Best Geek Ever!

Team Rocket Awarness Month: Friendship is Magic

2011-10-21T07:18:00.000-07:00

Hey, I just noticed I've never actually drawn Meowth right. Always confused his higher whiskers for actual ears, when he had ears all along. This is saddening. However, I do am proud of this particular one, nonetheless. And hopefully by the time this is posted, I'll have beat my FIM addiction. Also, hopefully they'll have worked in some recurring villains or something. Fuck me, what am I typing?

Team Rocket Awarness Month: Rubber Hose

2011-10-14T06:31:00.000-07:00

Can you believe it took me THIS LONG to come up with enough new styles? If it hadn't been for Futurama's latest anthology, I might never have thought it!

Team Rocket Awarness Month: 90s Extreme

2011-10-07T06:02:00.000-07:00

WOmen actually wore actual shoulder-pads in the 90s.

Okay, this is not the best a 90s Liefieldish Team Rocket could look. I admit it needs more shoulder-pads, Feathered hair, and pouches and it's not traced. Maybe next year.

Team Rocket Awarness Month Begins

2011-10-01T01:09:00.000-07:00

Yes, after a bit of a hiatus, it's back. For more than 10 years flamboyant James, Vain Jessie, and Street Smart Meowth have tried to capture Pikachu for a variety of contradictory reasons, and I'm kicking off a month of poke-stealing, off-blasting and motto-spewing inspired stuff. All rise, for the national anthem...

Collin Salmon and Michelle Rodriguez back in Resident Evil, movies become comics

2011-09-24T21:00:00.000-07:00

Thank you, India...

Michelle Rodriguez and Collin Salmon are confirmed for the newer Resident Evil movie. If you don't remember them, Michelle was the female soldier who became infected and was shot fatally in the head at the movie's climax, while Salmon was the one who was turned into little cubes of meat by lasers. The cubes where devoured offscreen by a monster.

I'm a fan of both of this guys, but I can't help but feel anything other than flashback sequences would be cheap. Sure, it could be clones or something, but come on! Really? After 10 years? Is Mike Epps gonna be coming back too?

I can't help but feel that bringing this characters back has some unknown side effect I should know about. Deal with the Devil type stuff. I don't know. I'm curious. But apprehensive.

What the hell are you sick fucks searching for NOW?

2011-09-23T21:29:00.000-07:00

Dude, you fail at searching for porn.

5 Fighting game characters that should have retired already

2011-09-23T12:13:00.000-07:00

There is life after round 3.

Fighting game tournaments are not like real life tournaments. Whereas in real life most of the people who compete do so for sport and train for it yearly, character stories in videogames need to be outlandish things full of good vs evil, revenge, and sometimes runaway brides. Those who say that fighting games have no stories really do a disservice to how committed the makers are for giving Mark Joe a reason to be in Mark of Punches 5.

But in giving characters a motivation, sometimes it clashes with the fact that regardless of the ending, the character will probably come back at some point. If you stick with a fighting game franchise long enough, you will see every character come back at least once, regardless of how resolved their plot arcs are or how dead they where last time. But some of these characters fullfilled their reason to join the tournament years ago. And yet, here they are, still trading blows. Who are this guys?

Tina Armstrong(Dead or Alive)

Tina is one of my favorite characters from this franchise, with her lighthearted personality and enormous breasts. However, her motivation has been weird from the start. And this is from a series that has a character that is trying to defeat a guy who saved her once.

See, Tina is a wrestler, but she doesn't want to be a wrestler. She wants to be in show business. So she gets into the tournament to get enough money to do so.

Can you two let me talk?

Now, let's pretend in this world wrestling isn't staged. But the tricky thing is, at the end of each game, Tina succeeds into getting into different aspects of show business, while not winning the tournament at all. Which makes no sense. If she breaks into modeling in game 1, why would she need to fight in another tournament to break into acting? If Dwayne"The Rock" Johnson wanted to become a singer, would he have to participate in a tournament, too? No, silly, he's already in!

And if winning was key to her goal, why can she still achieve it even though canonically, she lost?

This is why the movie changed her motivation to the less stupid "I want out of fake wrestling." And it's always sad when fighting game movies actually make sense of the games.

Sentinel(MVC3)

Sentinel, buddy: come here a minute. I know you started in a game that was mostly mutants. You hunt those. It's your job. And then you came back in Marvel vs Capcom 2. You where a little broken, but I guess all the mutants where there, so it made sense. If you had to fight Strider and Megaman, well, that's just fine.

If he wasn't a mutant, he probably heard about them.

But why are you in Marvel vs Capcom 3? No, DON'T tell me about your fruit palette shenanigans. In this game there's like 3 X-Gene mutants and arguably two more technical mutants.

And no wonder, man! Last I heard, Mutants without ongoing comic appearances where extinct. Even Jubilee's a vampire now. Maybe you should hunt vampires and quit this "fighitng game" business. You're not good at it anyway.

Balrog(Street Fighter)

Unlike everyone else in the Street Fighter universe, Balrog is in it for the money. He works for a terrorist in a military uniform and punches people to death. For the money. But is this paying off?

See, everytime a Street Fighter game ends, Bison is defeated. Well, except if he wins I guess.

I would also guess that Balrog probably goes to jail, or escapes somehow. But why? Does Bison pay ahead, and is the money that good? And how much money does one really need that going back to fight Foodtown Bruce Lee and Pink Ryu is worth it?

It's time to retire, Balrog. If you must fight, then fight. You don't need Shadaloo. And Shadaloo sure as hell doen't need you.

Seung Mina(Soul Calibur)

Seung Mina is a young Korean woman who wants Soul Edge because she doesn't want to get married off by her family and also to defend her country. So she runs away to search for the sword.

Am I missing something, here, lady? YOU RAN AWAY FROM HOME! You don't need to depend on your parents anymore. Sure, you can't join the Korean Army because you're a gurl, but you could always just join the battle or pull a Mulan.

As for the marriage...well, problem solved. You ran away from home! Just stay away from home and that's it.
You don't need a magic sword, you just need some follow through. It's obvious you're self sufficient if you're traveling to some other country and fighting Ivy.

I think she'll do just fine.

The thing about Mina is, we don't know if she's back in the series newest, decades after the fact timejump. But I'm guessing she'll be back.

Scorpion(Mortal Kombat)

You could argue that Scorpion is probably Mortal Kombat's most known character. Yet the demonic undead Ninja hasn't had a real reason to fight in years.

See, at first it was revenge for the death of his family as well as himself. And he got it. He killed the guy. Then the guy's brother showed up, dressed the same. This lead to a hilarious misunderstanding that lasted several games and a spinoff. Finally, in Mortal Kombat 4, he finally caught up with the guy, but He wasn't the killer, this other magic motherfucker was to blame. So he dragged that guy to Hell.

GET OVER IIIIIIIIT!

After that, Scorpion's motivation started to get muddy. He chased the guy out of hell, became a conduit for the Elder Gods, then decided to get revenge against the Gods. Come on, Scorpion, kill the guy and rest in fucking peace already!

Oh, wait, time got reversed? Well, back to hunting the brother of the guy who killed you then, I guess?

Horrendous Theory: Princess Celestia's Biodome

2011-09-22T07:41:00.000-07:00

Okay, okay, I already buckled under and fell to the charms of Friendship is Magic. It's a show with a surprising amount of mythology, for a show that could have just been a series of vapid events that happen to a bunch of airhead ponies and still made money.

There's a creationist story with parallels to the Bible and other deistic writings. What with the world having been in chaos and The Titanomachian fight of two goddess sisters against an older god and then the subsequent falling out between them. It's good stuff.

But the more I try to analyze the world of Equestria, the less sense it makes.

And if I've learned anything from Ancient Aliens is that if it doesn't make sense, reckless speculation is required.

You see, obvious stuff about sentient little horses that use magic aside, nothing about this world is natural. The Sun and the Moon must be moved by Celestia or Luna. The cloud and weather are controlled by Pegasi.

But it gets worse. In the episode Bridle Gossip, the Everfree Forest, which is spoken off with fear every time it's mentioned, is described as such : "Animals fend for themselves, trees grow all on their own, and the clouds move by themselves...it's so unnatural". This means that without the Ponies intervention, no part of regular biological developments happen. And they're ignorant of this, as well as the existence of such common animals as zebras.

They have to freaking create their own seasons!

You'd think a smiling, ethereally maned, non-stop smiling ruler such as Princess Celestia would care more for fostering the knowledge of her denizens. But come on. She trapped her own sister on the moon. Anyone who's ever stood in Celestia's path is trapped in something or some form. And you never saw Luna after she became good again, did you? Maybe she's back on the moon. Point is, Celestia's clearly after something, and it isn't the welfare of her denizens.

Yo, dawg, i heard you like the moon, so we put Nightmare Moon on the moon so you can moon while you moon.

You know what I think? I think the whole thing is some kind of crazy Truman Show-esque containment sphere, and the exit is somewhere in the Everfree Forest(it's even got the word free in it!), the only place where consistently dangerous things like Manticores and Bears made of stars exist, probably to keep the ponypulation from figuring out the truth. As for where exactly they are, my guess is some kind of space installation. If I had to guess, I'd say Celestia puts and breeds ponies there so she can find the ones who will defeat the unknown number of creatures that threaten her and had to be banished in some form or another. Or maybe she's just following orders. You haven't ever seen or heard of who the King and Queen of Equestria are, have you?

I see you, Faust!

Gotham doesn't judge

2011-09-21T12:06:00.001-07:00

My father worked at the glass industry. I was like 9 when we moved. He got a job offer from Wayne industries. I didn't like the town. It's a shithole. but there's plenty of work here in the industry.

I grew up into the family business, I guess. By age 15 I was already pretty good at installing the panes, if not at making them. I also learned where the work is. Museums always need new sets. Every other month, I got called for a museum.

Like, people in this town are really committed to glass dependent architecture. Especially skylights. I don't know why, since this city seems to be in some kind of spooky eternal night. If I was gonna have a Museum here, it's be all steel bars, like a jail. If I had an ice-cream shop it'd be the same. Gotham's too rough a town for so much glass.

Met my wife here. She works replacing windows for cars. We have to make the glass in Gotham. The only thing you can import into this town is crossover events. Still, she gets a lot of work here too.

Sometimes I get called when it's about repairing old, broken buildings. Lots of those in Gotham. And usually all their windows are broken. Mostly I guess kids being kids.

I'm not sure about Mr Wayne, though. Sometimes I feel he doesn't appreciate me and the work I do. Sure, there's more important people in Gotham.This town has good people. People who don't judge, because they all live in houses with glass ceilings. But when those people look up, they deserve to see something good.

A taste of things to come...

2011-09-20T06:52:00.000-07:00

Seriously, you're hardly ever given THIS much of a lead to prepare for trouble.

Nothing, just a banner teasing at the upcoming month. See, two years ago, I did Team Rocket Awareness week, where I posted a drawing every day of a week of Jessie, James, and usually Meowth too, in a different style. I wanted to follow up, last year, but couldn't. But this year, I'm making it a month-long thing.

Scolding Reviews: Generation X

2011-09-19T13:20:00.000-07:00

Stay on top, or remain from the underground...

Where a bit spoiled for choice, now, aren't we? I mean, us nerds. Used to be a time when no one thought X-Men franchise was going to exist in live action. That is, until the first X-Men movie: 1996 TV movie pilot Generation X. Finally, we could overlook and ignore the idea for 4 more years!

This weird, forgotten little nugget starts with a dictionary description of what mutation is, as well as the illegal status of having the X-Gene. You're not gonna get no Senate hearings, here, no siree. Just pure mutant hunting! Sentinels, Soldiers...

Just kidding. What did you think? It's straight to T.V.!

Then we see a scientist called Russel preparing to open up someone crab-handed mutant's cranium. Luckily for the would be lobotomy victim, a lady bursts in the room and starts freeing him. Turns out the thing wasn't quite legal. However, neither was the guy, as he's quickly taken away by the Anti-Mutant squad. Russel is fired, which pisses the lady off because she expects her boss to do some additional course of action that is never explained. In fact, she gets so angry, she uses her mutant powers to create a small storm inside the building. Boy, did you just make Storm white?

Yorrr NEKST!

No, actually she's Emma Frost. She walks out of the scene despite using her non canon weather powers in the open, where the Mutant Hunting Squad mustn't have even gotten to the elevator. Russel is furious, and we know, because there's a cartoon circle fadeout!

Not so merry melodies...

Then we cut to the tearfull goodbye of a Hispanic family to Hector, a young man headed for Xavier Academy. It's not too bad a scene, that is, until one of his sisters gets a little to attached to him, and as the car keeps moving she holds on to his hand, which stretches. This seems to really hurt him. I guess this was supposed to be both a tender moment and a showing of Hector's powers. Instead, it makes the sister seem psycho.

But evil is afoot, as Russel has been busy putting Subliminal messages on Virtua Fighter arcades ordering kids to "PLEY MOAR", which might seem unnecessary with people involved already ENGAGING IN USE OF THE PRODUCT, but a quick glance at the screen reveals Jubilee is often just hitting the sticks on Demo Mode.

Oh, yeah, Jubilee's in this movie. Only she's not half Chinese, half 90s slang anymore. Before you start another "Racebending" type site, she was originally slated to be either Boomer, or Dazzler, but since Jubilee was popular in the cartoon they put her in, changing the character's role. That's right, this 3 where actually considered interchangeable as starter X-Men characters!

The trial ends in 15 days.

Jubilee's powers are soon made to go haywire by Russel's subliminal messages, making those sparks that she's known for. As such, the Gestapo IMMEDIATELY show up to send her to "mutant camp". However, she's picked up by Banshee and Emma Frost, the later of which uses a neat Jedi trick to break her out of detention.

As soon as they are out of the building, Jubilee starts trying to wriggle away from the two, without even trying to wonder what they want with her. I can see her getting a block away from the Mutant Detention Center, then getting caught right the fuck up again.

Ah, the silliness of X-Men shining through. Where concentration camps exist in a world where you can't say faggot on T.V. Will Smith can't talk about Hitler without getting in trouble, but human beings with literally no rights can just be hoarded of to some non-descript place because they have the X-Gene. I'm just saying, you'd probably have some of them Civil Rights organizations on the side of mutants.

So she agrees to go with Good Cop and Bad Accent Cop and they tell her, in those exact words, that she's being trained to be a superhero. See, in the X-Men movie series they never used the term because the X-Men are technically meant to be a force for mutant issues. That they fight people that have nothing to do with that like Arcade or the Brood has nothing to do with it. But here, they are straight telling her she's gonna fight crime, even thought Mutant Genocide is well implied. They probably knew Magneto was only gonna show every once in 3 months and the rest of the time was gonna be spent between mourning Phoenix, fighting Phoenix and trips to the Savage Land.

Speaking of shit that doesn't have anything to do with the Mutant Struggle, Russel is speaking with his exec partner about how excited he is that he found a level 3 mutant brain because this furthers his goals by allowing him to access the dream dimension. See, dreams occur in another dimension, even the weird ones where you cut your brother's thumb off in the Halo universe, and Russel asks his friend to "imagine the commercial possibilities for a free market omnipotent being." No, don't ask me. I didn't write it.

More importantly, Russel begins down the path to the character he really wants to be.

Yes, he's the Riddler from Batman Forever. The mind devices, the weird overacting, the sudden impersonations. The actor clearly researched that before doing this one. The only thing he's missing is a crush on Val Kilmer.

So, Hector and Jubilee arrive in Xavier's School for gifted youngsters(Charles Xavier not included). It's the same building as in the future movies, too. However, there are not a lot of open shots of it. Either way, Jubilee has to get naked for some test thing, and since Xavier's institute likes being sued, no one has to leave or anything. The scene is pretty much an excuse for us to see Jubilee's naked back. Hey, she's 19, I checked!

Then it's time for Jubs and Hector to meet their fellow students. There's Black Jock, who can absorb properties of things. Blond Jock, who has both X-Ray vision and eye-lasers(YES!). There's Insecure Girl, who doesn't want people to see she's Superstrong because she has supermanly muscles. And there's Bitch Mutant, who cites herself as being "perfect" and having "level 8 invincibility". Wowee, I never knew invincibility was so nuanced.

3 out of this for foursome act with ridiculous, unjustified hostility toward the newcomers. Without any reason they verbally and physically harass them, despite the fact they have no reason to. That's what teenagers are like, right? Especially teenagers who have had to live in exile and be separated from their loved ones? They're instajerks, right?

So, the kids eventually play some Football, which ends into a sort of friendly pileup. But Banshee can't have that in his school, so he uses his mutant powers to break it up. It's a nice use of his powers, but we could make it better.

So after some more jerking around, Banshee and Emma Furostu show up again to show the kids Cerebro(A room full of monitors. Hey, what was you expecting?) and teach them psychic powers. Yes, they all learn psychic powers. That's how mutants work in Generation X. Like in Fable.

Also, we see a small hint at the hatred this kids go through, as in the lounge room, the TV shows an interview with a pundit comparing the X-Gene to Aids. Naturally, Blond Jock destroys the television, which is met with approval by the kids. Why where they even watching that in the first place? And won't they want to watch something else in the future?

So the Excec and Dr Russel have different variations of the same conversation ("Don't fuck it up!" "I'm so weird! I will fuck it up!") which is pretty fillery, but since the actor who plays Russel gets the weridest lines in the world, and turns the camp up to eleven, it's tolerable.

Eventually, the X-kids convince Banshee to let them drive into town. Yes, a jeep full of impulsive teens with aggressive tendencies and superpowers, with no supervision. You know, parents trust the Xavier Institute with this kid's lives. And even though a trip to the town could land them in Gitmo, they STILL let them. Damn.

Also, leave your 90210 jokes at home. They brought their own.

Eventually Hector runs into some lighthearted bullies who shove his face in Ice cream for liking the girl of the group. This of course, causes indignation in Hector's current bullies from the Institute. No, I see what you did there, movie. I guess the bullies have their own bullies, too, right?

Tired of it all, Hector uses his hacking skills to access a restricted room in the school in which Emma Frost's dream traveling machine resides.

Also, it tones your abs.

But he's not the only one with big dreams, as Russel the next day demonstrates his own dream-ey access-ey machine to a boardroom of investors. They're skeptical, so he tells them he implanted in their mind, through dreams a trigger to fart at a particular hour. This, rather than convincing them to invest in a machine, makes them decide to turn him in to the authorities. I guess the same world where a gene can be considered illegal already has legal provisions against mental takeover, huh?

So Russel kills the Exec by throwing him off a bulding. Yes. Just like the Riddler.

Flying menace!

So, Jubilee and Hector try the machine. She enters first, but Russel is also there, and he creeps her out with his weirdness and his harassy nature. She comes out of the machine crying and saying it was terrible. Hector, seeing this JUMPS INTO THE MACHINE. Yeah, not a smart one, that Hector. But he travels into the dreams of his dreamgirl, which involve her combing her hair, in her room. Wow, what an airhead. Anyway, Russel also shows up and promises to help Hector with his dream-girl troubles.

But then the cops IRL disconnect him from his machine, which leaves his mind stranded in the dreamstate. This seems painfull, then he seems to enjoy it. The scene kinda just ends.

The next night, the kids are allowed into a carnival. You know...I'm kinda seeing the mutant registration side of things. How am I supposed to enjoy a good carnival worrying about some unsupervised teens who can kill me without even trying? Bitch mutant shows off, Blond Jock and Insecure Girl make out in the car, and Hector meets his girl outside the Matrix. Then her bully friends show up and try to harass him again, which starts a fight with the Xavier kids. This gets them in trouble with Emma Frost, who could ascertain that it wasn't their fault if she only read their mind. I guess she isn't a telepath anymore?

Wigs where part of this franchise from the start.

Hector sneaks into the Fantasy Zone once more, and executes a terrible dance sequence with the girl, when shock of shocks, Russel appears again. He begs for Hector to free his body from the mental hospital it's trapped in so he can enter his mind again. He doesn't want to, and that's when shit gets creepy.

Russel threatens that he will...and he uses the exact words "mind-rape" his girl if he doesn't complain. As an added creepy bonus, he brings up his little sister from earlier(I guess her mind), licks her face, and threatens to rape her mind as well. Wow that's another one for the rape tag.

I don't seek these out. I swear I don't. They come to me!

Hector becomes involved and frees Russel's body and mind(eww). But Russel pays him by kidnapping him for purposes of cutting off his brain. I thought he wanted Jubilee. But I forgot: Nobody wants Jubilee.

Everybody hates you.

Hector uses his...psychic powers...to contact Jubilee and ask for help, which brings but to the film's climax as all the X-Kids, Banshee and Emma Frost head out to fight one middle aged guy with no powers. Needless to say it's pretty one sided. The guy gets zapped, punched, fireworked. But after he's blasted through a wall, he comes back and he's all powerful and behind the wall was the Dream Dimension. I did not understand this.

So Frost offers to stay and go down with Russel, but Hector instead wraps around him and throws both him and the villain down the eternal hole of the dreamstate. It seems both are gone, but Hector comes back using his stretchy powers.

Winding down, we see that the kids are gonna get uniforms. Here's why we can't have source accurate X-suits, kids.

And yet Emma Frost never uses lingerie as her primary wear.

This movie is...a T.V. movie about X-Men, made in the 90s. It's exactly what you'd imagine by that. The action is pretty bad, and the acting isn't great. A lot of this stuff just can't be realized on a low budget. The characters aren't really that likeable, though the villain is pretty fun, before he becomes too creepy. I suggest if you like obscure films like those Captain America movies or that terrible Fantastic Four 1994 movie, or if you need to see every superhero movie out there, give this a chance. If you are lactose intolerant, stay away, 'cause this shit is cheesy.

I shed my pride...

2011-09-17T22:21:00.000-07:00

Who wants some humble pie?

Oh, crap.

I should never have opened the door. I thought I was strong. I thought I would shame them. What hubris!

I yield. I thought I could watch that blasted Ponies show, then come back here and tell you all why it's not that great. Tell you how the hype doesn't hold. Tell you that you you where blowing it out of proportions. And now I need to figure out the answer of why it IS that great. Why? Why did I feel like watching it and not stopping? Why is it crack for the eyes and ears?

You see, what was but one question (What's the big fuckin' deal with the fuckin' ponies?) has now become several less important questions that somehow hit me harder. Questions like "Will we see Celestia's sister again?" and "Which time next week does the new season start? and "Why doesn't my cable provider have "The Hub"?

Why isn't this working as a viable substitute?

Curse me! Curse my intent! Even as I groaned every time the Cutie Mark Crusaders entered the screen, even when I realized the eye lasers and forearm missiles just weren't coming, I could not stop myself. It is madness that there are shows I know I should be watching, like the Anime X-Men, and...well, I decided to watch Ponies instead.

It is madness! There is "nothing" in this show for me. Why, I started watching several old shows in the last couple of months. Why is this one the one I followed through on it? I cannot condense it down to snark. I cannot just praise it. It's terrible!

Oh, and Paheal is RUINED for me. I used to go "yeah, some sick fuck gets his rocks off to ponies being fucked". But now I feel...bothered by seeing this characters in R34 situations. I do not usually feel this for characters I like. Usually it's either "Hey, Rogue naked! or "Ew, I don't want to see Pinky and the Brain doing THAT!" It must have arrived at some kind of sick threshold. I'm not the "leave them alone" type, but that's what's in my head. No, DON'T show me Twilight Sparkles getting screwed by some flying penis. DON'T.How the fuck is she gonna tell Princess Celestia later? Have you no shame?

Oh, what foolery! What a fool I was! I should have stayed away! None of this would be happening! Heed my advise! You are not strong enough! Stay away!

Oh, well, back to my otherwise manly activities.

Frequently Stupid Questions: What's so wrong with changing Amanda Waller?

2011-09-15T22:51:00.000-07:00

Q: Why are people making a big deal over Amanda Waller's new, sexy body?

Aww, you little dumb ass! There are multiple layers as to why making Amanda Waller no longer fat is idiotic. I'll try not to run through the ones that aren't immediately obvious.

Nice figure!

First off, the character benefits more from being fat than from being thin. No, really. Comics are a visual medium. From a visual perspective, having the character be physically unfit is a great way to say "this character is not from the part of the DC universe that punches Metallo. She's from he part of the world where there's meetings in the Pentagon." She doesn't have the strength of a human who engages in regular exercise. She's not that kind of character.

Making her more like Rosario Dawson serves no visual purpose. She's just some hot woman. It takes away a little of the element of gritty non-fantasy.

Second: It takes away the character's uniqueness. Those of you complaining that the character was a cliche must know even less about her than I do. I never even read her comics in Borders and even I know she's not just a woman with a stick up her fat ass. Here's the thing, though, even if she's a cliche, now she's all wrong because ANGRY AUTHORITATIVE FIGURES ARE NOT SUPPOSED TO BE SEXY.

Mutation-gate!

Seriously, find me one, ONE angry police Captain, one school principal, one ANGRY boss who happens to be sexy. You can't. That's not part of that particular cliche. It's just trading the Cliche of "Angry Black Woman"(which by the way, barely surmises the character at all) for the even bigger cliche of "And she's also sexy". She doesn't have to be sexy. Does Nick Fury have to be sexy? Does Prof X need to be sexy? Do we need sexy Splinter? Some characters don't need to be sexy. Amanda Waller is among them.

And yes, she was made sexy in the Green Lantern movie. You see, many people didn't complain about it there(I sort of did), but honestly that just unmasks this for what it is: a shallow Hollywood move. See, we expect this sort of thing from Hollywood because we've come to be used to this bullshit being used in adaptations all the time. But here's the thing: The DC universe, even the newly reinvented one, is bigger than any movie universe. See, Green Lantern was just that: a movie, limited by what went in the frame. The DC universe is united: It's a universe that has Supergirl, Wonder Woman and Black Canary. It has filled it's hot girl quota. You don't really have need to change Waller.

Also, no one fucking saw Green Lantern. Regardless of fat.

Again, as with those Star Wars changes, you gotta wonder who they're for. Amanda Waller has had a pretty good run as a black, fat female. She even has a couple "other media" appearances. And the book she's in has Corset Harley Queen getting arrested by Black Canary's rump, apparently. Was there ever a feeling this character would bring in more people if she were sexier? Even Michael Bay movies have non-pretty folk in them.

It's true, just ask Steve Buscemi!

It's just a head-scratching choice. It's fantasy, yes, but even fantasy has niches that can't be fulfilled by idealized people. You'd think DC, of all people, would understand this. The DC of Etta Candy and Jimmy Olsen. The DC of Alfred, James Gordon, and Harvey Bullock. The DC of Prof Hamilton. You'd think they'd understand how in a world of fantasy, not everything can be THE SAME.

Yahoo News Adventures: Frozen with FEAR!

2011-09-15T19:29:00.000-07:00

Keep raising awareness, YN.

Love Letter: Create-a-Character

2011-09-15T10:59:00.000-07:00

This love letter is dedicated, not to some character I like, but to a character I could like. That's right, I'm here to sing the praises of custom character making.

If you came from my Youtube, I don't need to tell you I love creating my own characters for games. But what you don't know is that I was at it since earlier than 2005.

My first real experience with custom characters was in WWF War Zone for the Nintendo 64. I actually did a short term trade with a friend for it, and I loved the custom character option. It was the only reason I rented Deadly Arts, though that was a massive disappointment.

It's not the size of the head on the dog, it's the size of the fight in the tanktop of the dog.

By the time I had a Dreamcast, I had decided the fearure was enough to justify a purchase, and bought WWF Attitude. I spent hours creating Characters from movies, comics, women that looked naked. It's silly, I can create a character on paper, but as much as I love Create a characters, I always end up creating characters from other stuff. I just sorta see the potential for them.

What?

Finally, in 2k5, I bought Mortal Kombat: Armageddon. I began creating vids of my Created characters and uploading them through university computers. I actually planned several original characters, but I dropped that. Never could get them.

Hey, we need new Valises eventually!

Sure, sometimes custom characters feel like they don't belong there. But It's all in good fun. I haven't done a good amount of custom character-ing in a while, but hopefully eventually, the stars will align and I'll make some more!

New Dead or Alive game announced, breasts hinted at.

2011-09-14T10:42:00.000-07:00

A new game in the Dead or Alive series was unveiled earlier, and I couldn't be happier. Tecmo-Koei has been playing it pretty close to the chest, but it's evident this new game is gonna be a funbag.

Dead or Alive 5 is still early, so hopefully development doesn't go tits up. Thank you, Joystiq, for keeping me abreast of the situation. Hopefully Tecmo-Koei won't just milk the name, and have a game that's a loaded chest of options. I might just bounce back into the franchise if it's more than a nip and a tuck.

A teaser, featuring Ninja bros Hayate and Hayabusa, featured their classic chopping, flipping, and air-supplexing. And a teaser poster features the bust of a sweaty unknown woman with the legend, "I'm a fighter".

You know it's an early DOA game when none of the women are there to be shown, yet.

If mammary serves right, the series has been under new management ever since Tomonobu Itagaki abandoned Tecmo, including a game for the DS and a not-really a game for PSP. Whether this new numbered entry in this series will cause a cleavage of the fanbase, or if fit will have support is anyone's guess. We await further from Tetmo.

Out for Puppies!

2011-09-14T09:29:00.000-07:00

...And the horse you rode in....

2011-09-14T07:06:00.000-07:00

It was inevitable...

Working in the irony mines isn't all fun and games. There's a lot of stuff that just passes you by. Like I WANTED to watch Heroes, but I never got around to it. I'm sort of a general geek, but I never got around to getting into Harry Potter, or Fringe, or Battlestar. And I can't blame it on poorness. I COULD just stream it.

Yet there is one show that came so highly recommended, I had to overcome a lifelong bias against the franchise.

You see, I'm not a stranger to girly things. I used to watch Skydancers all the time. And I always pick female characters in fighting games. I have fanart of Wordgirl, for fuck's sake. But I just can't get into this "My Little Pony" Business.

See, when I was young, my Mom bought me and my Brother each a one of them ponies. They weren't nearly as stylized as they are now, though. But my father, worried about this stunting our development, took them away.

I think mine was blue, though...

I went on to do many "gay" things I'm saving for their own series, and grew secure enough on my manliness to wear a T-Shirt with Mandy on it to work. No dice on the ponies though. That franchise was tainted for me.

I'm available, ladies...

But, more than that, I don't need to prove anything. If you guys are recommending me a show with ponies on it, it needs to be more than just good. It needs to knock my fuckin' socks off. Just because Rob Bricken and Chris Sims like it doesn't mean I have to like it.

So I finally caved in, and watched the first ten adventures of Twilight Sparkles, Fluttershy, Applejack, Rarity, Rainbow Dash and the Retard* in the hopes of finding out what the fuzz was about.

And you know what, fuck you guys for being so insecure. It's just an average show! The pastel artwork is nice, the voices are good, Cree Summer is good, the writting is good. It's just a decent show for girls that's sort of tolerable for boys. Is that all? And here I thought you guys where adopting nicknames and stuff for something that's actually really great. Like, they barely fight at all!

How pathetic do you guys get? Lording over us that you like a sorta-good show that happens to be geared towards girls? Why don't you tell people you like something you really shouldn't like, like "A Serbian Film" or "Johnny Test"? Hey, you guys, I like Fefe Dobson! Woooooooo!

So that's it. I am not a bronie, or Brawnie or whatever. I'm not gonna be doing any fanart for this one. I'm just gonna finish all the current episodes, for research. And then go back to stuff where people shoot lasers from their eyes and missiles from their forearms.

*I'm sorry, Pinkie Pie. I know you're actually misunderstood. I love you. Not as much as Applejack, though.And Cree Summer doesn't voice you so... Wha...Hey, buddy, article's over!

Horrendous Theory: The Sith's Inside Man

2011-09-12T17:54:00.000-07:00

Beeb-Boop Beep Satan...I mean Beep!

There's been a lot of Star Wars talk lately. And it always comes back to how poorly plotted those damn prequels where. How come one guy who can feel waves of the force can be so dumb as to not feel the evil in the evilest guy in the galaxy sitting across the room? How can the villain's plan be this all encompassing and yet this detailed, this informed?

I may have the answer for that last one. The Emperor has an throughout the prequels that relayed information to him. And he was there almost the entire way. R2D2.

Dun-Dun DA!

R2D2 first enters the plot of the movies as a repair droid who served on Naboo's royal air force, which is stationed pretty much in the Castle. This is a perfect position to send inside information about Naboo to the emperor, who could then give it to the Trade Federation.

When our heroes escape t through the blockade, he is one of several droids who have to repair the shield generators. The others get destroyed in eerily accurate fashion for being in a spaceship moving real fast against a mothership shooting directly at it. If videogames have taught me something is that shooting something is at it's easiest when it's heading towards you. So R2 "fixes" the problem, by hooking up two cables together and they get to Tattoine, but not before he gets access to the Queen, and he can just hang tight and listen to all the secret Throne Room gossip.

He Watches...From the Shadows...

This is where it gets a bit complex. Quigon Jinn, who is already not the sharpest knife in the drawer, starts getting himself involved in a bid to fix the ship in order for it to get to Coruscant, by getting a part from a shady scrap dealer, and somehow decides to acquire a young boy. Keep in mind, Quigon is the only person who agrees with taking the boy. Everyone else feels it is a bad idea. Obiwan thinks he's another mouth on the mission, The Jedi Council feel great danger, the audiences hate him. The only ones who feel he should be there are Quigon Jinn and George Lucas. And what do you know, first step down the ship it's R2d2, following Quigon for purposes of helping identify the part. Which he doesn't. Could R2D2 have been manipulating Jinn? Remember, Jiinn was not strong enough to manipulate some bucktoothed junk salesman. His mental capacities aren't legendary.

Then, out of all the planets in the galaxy, of all the towns in Tattoine, an Sith assassin manages to track them down to the exact place they landed in. An assassin who was earlier shown to be WITH Darth Sidious/Palpatine, presumably in Coruscant. SOMEONE told Sidius that the important people the Trade Federation was looking for where on some planet. I think it was R2. Sure, he's never shown to have that kind of intergalactic transmitting capabilities, but we'll soon learn R2D2 has many things we never knew about.

Eventually, though they make it to Coruscant, successfully play into a tyrant's ploy for power, and go back to Tattoine to singlehandedly stop the whole thing anyway. R2D2 stays with the boy and "he" accidentally flies a starship and uses it to blow up a bigger ship. Yes, a little kid who grew up on some third world hut, is apparently able to figure out a superadvanced ship, while his robot companion just boops and beeps, totally not manipulating the ship.

Autopilot, yeah sure. "Oh, this autopilot is totally taking me to a battle that will cement my status as a Force sensitive! Stop It!"

And so, "Anakin" successfully eliminates the main problem of the first movie. So R2D2 sticks with Obi Wan and Anakin for 10 years, until someone tries to murder Amidala, now a senator. He's the only one she lets in her room before her next assassination attempt, which is a shame, because his course of action upon witnessing the murderbugs a robot lets in is to not move and tell no one. Think about it, R2 himself could have killed them, as he's not possible to poison. Could have run 'em over with his wheels or one of those things that come out of him. He's clearly not only observing it, but he must have told the bad guys where she was in detail.

He then goes on to participate on Anakin's breaking of his Jedi vows and his fall to the Dark side. This is pretty creepy. Think about it: This guy is killing children within his sight! And he doesn't intervene, he doesn't tell anyone. He's not unfazed. You assume he's friends with someone, that he has some kind of ethics. If he's willing to sit out events like this, why not assume he'd actually manipulate them?

Then he throws C3PO into a factory to almost certain dissasembly. And he flies above it all with his rockets. It's important, this rockets have never been used in the service of anyone else. But we're already seeing a picture of a character with no scruples, who, while all his "friends" go on to a death duel with supermonsters, he's off minding his own business. I guess he sort of helps C3PO from the situation he put him on later. We all know about these two. But from the looks of it, it's a rather abusive relationship.

It is an order! Marry them...NOW!

So R2 goes on to witness the wedding of Anakin. Of note: He's not just ANAKIN'S robot. He works along with Obi Wan. So, it doesn't ever come up, like for accident or something. Or He doesn't tell anyone?"Beep Eep, Oooooo! What's that, Artoo? Married to Padme?"

By the next movie, the only 5 people know of the marriage: the couple, R2 and 3pio and Senator Palpatine. How this last one knows, hhmm... I just can't say...

But here's a picture suggesting the answer.

So the mission to rescue Palpatine kicks off Ep 3, and R2D2 is, as always, the one surviving robot. It is here he hints at his multiple combat capabilities. Besides flying, he can shock things with a taser, and douse them in fuel. He can even do a thing I don't understand.

But whatever it is I would never want something this dangerous happening near me, at crotch level.

This abilities never come up in dangerous situations. Even when it does, it's usually on a ship, where R2 himself is in danger. When it's about helping other people, it's like he's very selective...

So, when the real bad shit goes down, R2 immediately sides with Darth Badguy on the murder of The last of the Separatists, as well as Obiwan. It's actually a little surprising that Obi Wan later picks him up and gives him to Jimmy Smits who has C3Po mindwiped and not him. This means that, going in to the original trilogy, R2 knew everything: Luke's Father, the whole conspiracy everything, that Obi Wan is a Jedi... He never uses any of that. He never uses any of his abilities again. He's evil, I tell you!

Or this movies are badly written. I don't know. Whichever makes most sense, I guess.

6 songs that Kidz Bop thinks are appropriate for children

2011-09-09T23:50:00.000-07:00

Once a great songwriter from my country said "Children make terrible singers". Or something to that effect.

And then the boy wizard got to him.

But don't tell that to the makers of Kidz Bop, a series of music CDs of covers of Top 40s music as sung by children and teenagers. Since October, 2001(I'm not gonna say anything if you don't say anything...) the Kidz troupe of what I guess is an everchanging cast of preteens have been singing the songs you're already tired of hearing in the radio in Biannual albums .

It goes without saying that not every song that hits the top 40 is appropriate for all ages. Invariably you're gonna end with a mix of songs with different ranges in mind. It was only natural that Kidz Bop was gonna run into this problem.But which are the least kid-like? How did they deal with it? I looked at the track list of every main Kidz Bop release looking for the truth. And I found it.

The Song

Headstrong, by Trapt.

What do you mean it's not for kids?

It's a confrontational song.It might not specify it, but it's about potentially starting a fight with somebody. If you think that's ambiguous find a random stranger and tell him "Back off: I'll take you on! I'm head strong to take on anyone!" and see if they think you meanto take them on in a fucking boat race. Also, the lyrics include such child friendly material as "I see you're full of shit!" and "FUUUUUUCK!"

How did Kidz Bop deal with it ?

First off, by cheating. They clearly got someone a little older to sing the verses AND choir, and only use kids as choir backup. This is the only version on the YT, which even the kids that uploaded seem to dread and only use when the real one wasn't available.

Secondarily, they just use that censor thing where distracted moms listening for swear words only hear " I stick my _ into your _". It's still a song about starting a fight with jerks, though. But I guess it's about fighting jerks near an elementary school now.

What stwength! But don't fowget dew aw many guys like yoo all ova da wald!

The Song

Rihanna's Umbrella (also, every single human being has done a cover.)

What do you mean it's not for kids?

The song is clearly not about umbrellas. That's just a metaphor for sexual dependency and security. If you want to claim it's about sentient parasols, then why does the song continually go "Come into me! ! People don't go into umbrellas. Unless you count Albert Wesker and Tom the Cat as people, and civil rights ain't advanced that far.

He's turned on!

How did Kidz Bop deal with it ?

Well, they didn't. All of the innuendo is here, even the part about the hand being hard. I guess innuendo is cool, because kids are stupid. It's okay, you morons! It's about Uno! In the rain!

They did fade out before the part where Rihanna continually asks someone to come into her. But that's not censorship, that's bad DJing.

The Song

Axel F-Crazy Frog

What do you mean it's not for kids?

I realize that there might be kids that where born in 2005, and might be unaware of what Crazy Frog is. And due to my use of images to drive up traffic, they might have gotten here looking FOR Kidz Bops. For those of you, sit by the virtual campfire, and hear my tale.

Way before you where born, there was a movie called Beverly Hills Cop. It starred Eddie Murphy. Back then your parents made out in his movies instead of divorcing in them.

Then in 2005 a fad was jump started called Crazy Frog, which involved voice altered "frog" trying to reproduce the sounds of motorcars. I do not know the full history. I...dread it. All I know is it began with a "cover" of the catchy theme from that movie, and that more than one album was produced.It was one of those inescapable things.

I advocate that the whole trend was awful, and should not have been thrust on anyone. But to do a cover of mouthfarts is just offensive. Some kids would have liked crazy Frog. Why would they need a KIDS VERSION!?

You and me both, lady...

How did Kidz Bop deal with it ?

By getting the lyrics wrong. Why look at the lyrics to "Axel F" ...and despair.

And now look at...are you with someone? You don't have any depression problems or anything like that? Because the only version I found is on a showcase of Original Sonic characters which is both terror inducing, and terrifyingly fitting. So if you're under suicide watch or something, take my word for it.

The important part is that they didn't even do it right. That they somehow SCREWED UP CRAZY FROG. How can one not get the proper amount of Rings, Brems, Dums and Baas wrong. No , don't look at me, you're the ones who wanted kids to sing along to Crazy Frog!

The Song

Livin' la Vida Loca-Ricky Martin

What do you mean it's not for kids?

Okay, let's get this out of the way: Ricky Martin is a brave man for pretending to be straight when it was economically convenient and utilizing his gayness to sell books and concerts and get you grings talking about him again. The fact that he was wearing a Team Rocket brand ladies' man costume during this part of his career is not inherently inappropriate. I mean, come on, dudes, what do you think "loca" means to Puerto Ricans?

However, I fail to see how you Yankees continually use this song on things for kids. This song is about some kind of sex-crazed she-thing that drugs and seduces Ricky Martin. It's about fucking some crazy ass seductress. "Upside-Inside out". You know. Of her cooch. And while I wouldn't mind a having a shot at some crazy ass, super Brazilian superwoman...he's more likely referring to the woman who turned him Gay in the first place, Mexican Rockstress Alejandra Guzman, who had a shot at a far too young Martin. Kid's singing groups are fun!

No fair to use this photo, I know. She was younger when she ate his scrotum.

How did Kidz Bop deal with it ?

Well, "the bullet through the brain bit" is gone. So, you know, she slipped you a sleeping pill and date raped you and stole your money, but no gun metaphors! Kid's might start to metaphorically shoot each other or something.

The Song

If I were a Boy-Beyonce

What do you mean it's not for kids?

It's a song about the gender inequalities a millionaire, Grammy award winner actress has to suffered at the hands of men. Like Guys being able to lie and cheat and no one ever judges them, no. But a woman has one little beer with a man, and she's getting Sorayaemmed up in this bitch!

But seriously, kids, learn this broad typifications of 1940s gender relations because otherwise, Beyonce and her feminist husband, Jay Z can't get a Cadillac made out of Albino elephants.

If she were a boy, what group would she have ditched? Boyz to Men?

How did Kidz Bop deal with it ?

By cutting that entire part of the song. You know, the one about cheating and about drinking and stuff. Now its' a song about being able to wear unironed shirts without our peers mocking us and being able to hang out with however we wanted and not be confronted for it. Wait, you're kids, who the fuck are you planning to hang out with, a drug dealer? We're your parents, we say who you can or can't hang out with!

The Song

California Gurls-Katy Perry

What do you mean it's not for kids?

Look, I know all about regional pride in your women. With admition that I don't know if Katy is from California or whatever. I don't think I should ask too many questions.

But to have girls singing about bikini tops and being sexy and that whole "melt your Popsicle" business. She ain't singing about no goddamn ice-cream! I don't know if I can explain how kids singing that is creepy. But it is. Or it would be.

How did Kidz Bop deal with it ?

Well, they try to subdue the more racy elements of the song, like changing "gin and juice" to sippin' on my juice" and now the boys break their necks "trying to act a little crazy".

Insanity!

Physical descriptions of girl's clothing in the choir are now 'Fine, fresh, fierce, we got it on lock", Which I guess was thought up by a think-tank of an 80s rapper, a hairdresser, and an ironic hipster.

However, their "sun-kissed beach" will still "melt my popsicle". I don't care that you switched the scenario to one where Ice-cream doesn't melt unless it's hot outside and only California has the proper conditions for that to happen. It's still a metaphor for ejaculation. Now it's just geophilia. Stop it! Why does this song make less sense without Snoop Dog!? CURSE YOU, KIDZ BOOOOOOOP!

Scolding Reviews: Inspector Gadget 2

2011-09-09T00:54:00.000-07:00

There's a dog in this movie, kids! You like that shit, right?

I've always sustained that, when adapting, you can't let the original material being simple stop you in the way of making a good product. Sure, the original Transformers series wasn't the height of writing, but that's where you come in and make it interesting. Give new layers to the story and characters. Do a fresh take.

Or you could have pee jokes and questionable morality. And then blame the original material.

1999's Inspector Gadget was...not the best movie in the world and certainly not the best adaptation of the source material either.. However, the original cartoon had a pretty thin premise: A cybernetic doofus ~~detective~~ spy gets into worldwide adventures against a dangerous organization while a combination of luck and help from children and dogs win the day, which lead everyone, from the series' unseen villain to the hero himself, to think he was a force to reckoned with. The movie, however, was about a cybernetic mall cop who gets tooth paste put on him, and through a combination of Talking Car and the power of heart gets to defeat the always seen villain.

Also, Boy bands where involved.

In that sense, the 2003 sequel is closer to the source material. However, it still lives in the same universe as the first movie. In more senses than one.

The movie starts with Gadget going after an old lady for a slight speeding violation. It turns out, thought, she was the Police chief's mother, turning this into a twisted thriller about corruption and nepotism.

Also, they sort of recast everyone. Mathew Broderick, Michelle Tretchenberger, Rupert Everett...none of them are back.In their place we have an Earnest like Camera mugger, some girl who barely registers, and some guy in Panama hats. Even the thugs where recast. I guess they where just too good for a 3 years too late straight to video, severely lower budget cash in, right?

The whole thing is.

It turns out Gadget is just bored because, between movies, he defeated all crime in the city. This is, despite his system "glitching out", which in this case is that Inspector Gadget thing where he orders one thing, and another entirely different thing comes out. He's sort of always had that.

It's worth noting that the cartoon sound effects from Inspector Gadget Uno are mostly gone. However, in keeping with the spirit of the first movie, he's still filled with mostly things that don't help the fight against crime. Think about this: this Man Machine project must have cost millions: why would you put chewing gum in there? Even in the original cartoons, it was mostly useful stuff like telescopic arms and helicopter craniums. And that was a cartoon!

You're gonna be a bad motherfucker...when you're not blowing bubbles.

Still, while the local science guy is unable to help with his glitches, he subtly hints at the encroaching obsolescence of Gadget, which he doesn't seem to take too seriously. Also, Penny, who somehow managed to not be like Michelle Tretchenberger Or the cartoon Penny without being like, black or a man or something, wants to solve cases with her uncle. However, the plot soon gets going as Dr Claw escapes from jail. And now they're trying an entirely different voice, closer to the menacing original as well as trying to do the whole "you can't see him" thing ..

See, most kids in 2003 probably wouldn't get a Blofeld ~~rip off~~ parody that wasn't fucking Dr Evil, but the essence is that the character is mysterious. Now, we saw this Claw, and he's still the Dr Claw that has "the clamps". Everyone sees him, in broad daylight. Why bother? If you're gonna make a sequel to the movie, make a sequel to the movie. At least his promise to gain weight at the end of the first one sort of came true.

So , the Good Doctor plans to steal the federal reserve, which is now in Inspector Gadget's city because it's so safe with a guy who can shoot toothpaste on a whim(with a 10% margin of error in which a novelty umbrella comes out instead). So in 10 days they are tasked with stealing a laser, fuel cells and a ruby. Knowing science won't help you guess what he's planning.

Meanwhile, at a gala event, they announce a sequel to the original Gadget, the all robot, all woman G2.

Hot French Cop Action!

Yes, even though crime is a thing of the past, they still felt the need to add more robots to the city. Here's a thought: Why not share your cyborgs with towns that DO have crime? Maybe rent them?

That said, G2 is pretty cool. Played rather robotically by Elaine Hendrix and given a moderately cool costume, she's essentially the highlight of this movie.

Anyway, Gadget ~~becomes worried that he might no longer be necessary, and this existential crisis lends a lot of characterization~~ has an erection at the sight of G2. Even after he's publicly humiliated in front of a live audience, Gadget still has the hots for her, and even being taken off the Claw case doesn't engender any animosity toward G2. I have a penis too, but if a sexy lady stole my job from under my nose, I'd still be angry with her.

Under Penny's advise, Gadget enters undercover in one of those bars where Steven Seagal beats people up, dressed like half Matches Malone, half Patch. But being a lovable buffoon, he quickly gets people punching him, while Penny successfully sneaks into Dr Claws evil Henchmen audition, which includes a dude called "The Ninja". When asked why he's called that, he flips into the air and cuts a fly off the guy's forehead.

They call me Ninja because of my introverted personality and tendency to hide from my landlord.

So, G2 comes to Gadget's rescue, because he doesn't have enough toothbrushes in his hands to deal with a bar full of surly PG13 bikers.

After proving her superiority a second time, G2 finds herself with macking and offers of working together by Gadget. But she works alone, damn it! I don't question why the city would put breasts on a crime fighting robot. Breasts tend to make those better. But wouldn't they WANT a cooperative robot?

Still, Gadget gets threatened with being fired if he interferes again with the case. But as you might have guessed, he goes there anyway. And ruins everything G2's graphically deficient, poorly edited fight scene accomplished and the bad guys get away with the fuel cells.

However, she does fail to recognize this as "surrender". It's ED-209 all over again.

Gadget gets demoted to toilet scrubbing duties which, to be fair, he's better equipped to do than crime fighting. While Claw takes a pretty good dig at this, he also unveils his next plan, the acquisition of an experimental laser. But they would need to distract Gadget with a red herring letter. Gadget, however discusses the letter with her Niece by doing that thing where a character says something, and then the second one says it like he didn't hear it. You know, like in the Flinstones. For those of you playing at home, the answer is "very, very old and not even that funny back then".

Regardless, Gadget goes to a science fair, because it could be a trap. There, two of Claw's Henchmen, disguised as bespectacled Rosie O'Donnell and bespectacled Helen DeGeneres successfully implant a device on Gadget that lends Claw direct control of him. With full control of his archenemy, Claw makes him embarrass himself by spilling his McDonald's Combo(even a McHotdog!), making him dance and making him slime a Nobel prize winner.

Seriously, I don't know what they are.

Now, I know this movie is directed at kids. It would be unfair of me to ask that Claw make Gadget kill himself, or go after his loved ones and murder them slowly. However, spilling your product placement is not the best option here either. How about making Gadget steal the laser? Then we could have had some G2 vs Gadget action.

Then Inspector Gadget gets thrown off the force even after explaining what happened. He struggles with finding a job despite being a crime ending celebrity that apparently even won an Academy Award. Come on, dude, Charlie Sheen never won no Oscar, and he still gets gigs, despite murder attempts. No other city wants a crime fighter cyborg that ends crime?

Penny continues to try and keep on the case, but she gets browbeat by Gadget. She says he doesn't believe in her and goes off to cry.

You know what this is? It's set up for betrayal. I've seen it a million times. First they establish the lack of trust and increasing rancor between each part. Then there's a scene like this:

P-Penny? What are you doing here? I heard a Henchmen of Dr Claw was around here...

Don't you get it, uncle Gadget? You never trusted me! You threw me under the bus, even as I was 3 times the detective you will ever be!

What are you saying Penny? Penny what are YOU TALKING ABOUT? Don't let this get out of hand, Penny. (mugs at the Camera)

Here's the punchline to that stupid pun, Uncle.

Nooooooooo!

What? Uh, Daydreaming again... No, she doesn't stay down for long. Cue the montage of Penny detective-ing, Gadget failing at life, and Claws Henchmen stealing, even though they only need one more thing. Who knows. Then Dr Claw and his men hit a fundraiser event, use laughing gas on everyone, subdue G2 and make off with the Ruby. Of course, Gadget was a valet at the event, and he successfully remains ignorant of it. He even opens the door for the villains. I call bull on that one.

Come on, Gadget, you recognize this guy. He's like a fat Rupert Everett. You've seen him UP CLOSE! I guess his Panama Hat is great at hiding his identity...

You where this close to his face! Andy Dick was there!

Penny gets kidnapped, then the chief declares that the whole "Robot Cop" program is not working out. They take G2 back to the precinct for "deactivation". She takes it well.

No, seriously, she cries a little. Because the people behind the Gadget project made a machine that feels bad and cries about being scrapped, and discarded it after a single mistake. Again, millions of dollars of research on Gadget and G2 and they're throwing them out the window the first chance they get. Your tax dollars at work! No wonder you Americans are so uptight about that. Just kidding!

No new things! No New things!

However, the subplot of man's desertion of it's own creation and what it means to be human is quickly disposed off as Gadget takes G2 out of her...recycling pod the very next scene. Then they flirt. Now, this movie never shied away from the fact Gadget was gonna get with the robot, but they have zero chemistry. Or maybe it's just that Gadget is unlikeable in this movie. You gotta wonder why Brenda left him.

A previously hinted at device is used on Brain the dog to reveal that Claw has kidnapped Penny. This triggers powerful yet cliche dialogues like " I should have listened to her". They suit up. No butt-shots sadly/fortunately.

Then Claw reveals to Penny, as Super Villains are known to do, his plan: he would use the laser, the ruby and the fuels cells to somehow make a Time Displacement Laser, a device that can stop time itself by bouncing off a satellite. I know this IS sort of scifi and sort of for children, but it makes using diamonds to create ice sort of believable.

I can make it fly if you get me two fishbowls and a defibrillator.

That said, the effect is moderately well realized. It's no Matrix, (and didn't everyone want to be in 2003?) but they don't spare on showing things frozen in midair. Claw sends the whole town into Bullet Time, then moves in to steal the Federal Reserve. However, Vanilla Gadget and G2 escape from the blast, then return to face the villains.

While you wonder if things that are frozen in time wouldn't explode when impacted by things not frozen in time because the force is being exerted at essentially no time...Claw robs the Bank. He's getting a kick out of it, too, until the good guys show up. Then Claw uses Penny as a human shield and drives away. So G2 has to fight the minions, and Gadget has to rescue his next of kin. But wait, Gadget ~~is a total screw-up~~ has glitches!

So G2 and Gadget switch chips(continuity snag ahead, as Gadget's chip was destroyed in the first movie. But the power of love or something revived him. So I guess they don't die without the chip, now?) I guess there's some kind of lesson about how we can all be heroes or how the New G needs to get the stick out of her ass. However, G2 uses the old chip, which I guess activates her 1930s Cartoon gag weapon-set DLC to devastating effect on some goons. See, G2 isn't a weak ass like Gadget, and she don't let a bad chip slow her down. However, the new chip on Gadget doesn't really make him much more than barely effective.

The chip is docked in her cleavage. Another point for G2.

The final chase sequence is pretty well realized. It would be easy to ignore the fact time froze in mid day in a busy city by having magically empty streets, but the fact that time froze is constantly reinforced. I'm not saying it looks "real" or anything, but for Direct to home vid, it wasn't too bad. Eventually, after Gadget catches up to Claw, he puts Penny on a wheeled cart with bowling pin bombs(It makes sense in context...maybe) and Gadget has to free her just before one of those convenient bomb timers from movies ends. However, because they waste a lot of time, they don't really get too far away before it explodes.

Where are my Hurt Locker direct to Home sequels?

So you might think that they're probably dead because they SHOULD be, or escaped on a refrigerator or something, but in actuality they just survived. Penny is a little Scorched and Gadget falls from the sky. Hey, it's a live action cartoon, right? Severe eardrum damage is for the birds!

After some quick bonding, they jump AHEAD of Claw(who I guess must have been driving in circles) and stop his car by sticking a bunch of bubblegum in the floor. The result is pretty unsightly.

Claw, though, has a pretty advanced rocket on the wagon and flies away. But he'll get you next time, Gadget! Even if he could have gotten you this one easy and this plan barely had anything to do with you, and you'd think he's be pretty sore from his fall from grace! Silence, Panama Hat!

So they stop the machine by guessing the password and return the city to it's proper chronology, showing us the people who didn't feel affected by the bullet time, and not the confused or dead guy who was kicked in the face by Gadget during the chase.

So everyone gets medals except for the dog and the car, and Gadget acknowledges his niece's right to exist as a crime fighting detective in a city that has no crime to speak of. And then Gadget and G2 kiss, because movie romance am good! We no need characters sin-gull aftarr movie! One final cartoon gag and...courtains(or rather, the menu screen)

What did I think? While the movie is underwhelming as a whole, there are some good elements here. Mostly regarding G2, who disappears from the movie for a pretty good bit. The final chase wasn't bad. And Claw, while not quite Frank Welker, does have a sort of cartoonish viscerality.

There is some more characterization beyond the first movie. Penny's role is expanded from what was essentially a glorified cameo in the first movie, and it's a little more realistic than the cartoon about the relationship between a proactive, heroic girl and a conceited, self-righteous hero parent figure. The contrast with Gadget's all around cartoony personality often clash, though. And while Brenda's role as support and love interest is lost, G2 as a heroic partner and all around awesome device is far more entertaining, even with all the missed storytelling potential and forced romance.

However, In making Gadget almost as aloof as his cartoon version, it essentially turns him into a huge douche. The whole character and the way he's brought on screen is mostly bothersome. I don't know if he was miscast of if it was just horrible material, but I hope it wasn't the latter because the director of this will go on to direct Hong Kong Phooey. I'm not gonna watch it...but we don't need another bad cartoon adaptation stinking up the place.

And now, nature's greatest spectacle....Girl-on-Girl!

2011-09-02T08:23:00.000-07:00

Well, set up a number system, dammit!

Honor where honor is due...

C-c-c-c-c-cuntbo breaker!

But wouldn't she already know?

Don't chew that! It's expensive!

Dhim Lives for this moments.

Son of a Pitch: Star Wars (2014)

2011-08-31T12:37:00.000-07:00

It's on Green screen, 'course I can.

Well, it seems several of the changes for that newfangled Home Hexilogy Star Wars rerelease are out and...it's pretty disconcerting. To me, this one right here stands out.

Yes, that is Obi Wan imitating a dragon to scare away the Sand people. When my neighbor gets home drunk, he has to scare Sandpeople all the time, I guess.

You see, (puts on old man glasses) It used to be you released a movie, and it was done. However, we all know many ideas and concepts and scenes don't make it into the final product. The advent of Home Video formats allowed the existence of "The Director's Cut", the idea of adding scenes that where cut to presumably approach the film more to the director's vision. Even if that vision is a little stupid, I get that.

However, George Lucas isn't a normal director. Despite having some great, classic movies that he could just send into the Blue Ray Making machine and watch the money fly, he just can't help himself going back and reworking this films.

Imagine if Brian De Palma came back after a couple of decades and decided he was gonna add a cg cat for Tony and re-dub his death scene to have him go "I regret nothing!" as he fell into the pool. You could say he CAN, but you could say also that it's fuckin' stupid. This things are additions in the technical sense of the word only, and do not actually upgrade the experience for the audience.

"I mean, he's missing that "Dr Claw" edge to him..."

This isn't a matter if the changes are good or bad for the film. It's a question of who this changes are for. I mean, Star Wars was pretty popular before he put CG in it in the 90s. I don't think it's just about money, because I don't think there are enough fans of blinking to justify putting eyelids on 40 year old film's dudes in fursuits. You could release licensed Star Wars Turdburgers and people would buy. It's clearly a personal thing for old George.

So here's my pitch to the thick necked one himself: Why not redo the whole thing over again? Why not restart the whole franchise? That's right, I'm calling for a Star Wars REMAKE.

Clearly.

George Lucas gets to do whatever he wants with this, from turning Chew Bacca and Han Solo into a Lemur and a Reptile, as per his original vision, to making EVERYTHING in CG from scratch. George get full control of the franchise from frame 1. He can start with Star Wars: A New Hope, and move through all 6 movies. It's not like he's not changing the Prequels, in spite him being in full control of those, too. He can make pack every single granule of the screen with zipping, swooping, bouncing, jumping computer effects. With super panamorphic 3D reberwatshit and shit.

Panaamorphic!

He can put Jonah Hill as Luke and have an extended, unnecessary fight with Greedo in the original film instead of just a tense scene! He can have Jabba be 3 stories high and terrorize Seattle! He can establish how germs rule they universe and control destiny and cause prophesies from the start, now!

And invariable, when a movie is remade, the original goes out on Disc, so maybe we can get the regular old Star Wars movies on home video formats? Hmm?

5 Sad , Sad facts about Johnny Test

2011-08-30T15:44:00.000-07:00

^"And there was given unto him a mouth speaking great things and blasphemies; and power was given unto him to continue forty and two months. And he opened his mouth in blasphemy against God, to blaspheme his name, and his tabernacle, and them that dwell in heaven."

If this had been a real test, I, or some replicator blog copying me that isn't BestGeekEverPR, would be blogging about other shit.

In the year 2005, disaster struck. Into our world, a heinous, destructive force was unleashed, and it has wreaked havoc on the hearts of men everywhere. I am, of course, talking about the kid's cartoon show "Johnny Test"

Johnny Test: truly a cancer upon the world of animated shows, kid's shows, and television in general. It has been properly been declared the #1 TV show to cause dumbness in kids. In it's wake, good shows and bad shows and terrible shows and great shows have come and gone. But the Test remains.

I'm still bitter.

The show, about a wannabe cool kid who is experimented on his twin sisters, is, rest assured, well named. For the show itself is a measure to how widespread can a terrible show be. In order for future generations to understand the wretchedness that it is after all masters are inevitably burnt, here's 5 key facts to understanding the awfulness that is Johnny Test.

5)Johnny Test has never done anything original

Bore than Beets the Bye!

You like the Bible quote up there? It doesn't have that much to do with Johnny Test. It's just that by attaching myself to something most of the Western World knows, I gain more visibility and recognizably.

Understand, even good shows take from other shows. Often in he form of parody or homage. Johnny Test, though, can barely get out of bed to find humor, let alone a parody of something. Which means that each "parody" episode feels exactly like what it is: a crude exploitation of something you know. Take "Johnny's Pink Plague", the episode where the titular boy uses an experimental cream shot from a gun to cure acne all over town. The lowest common denominator would balk if such material was implied to be meant for them, so to spice it up, the show decides it wants to be a Ghostbusters parody. Even with a terrible "we have to cross the streams" reference.

All of them is Winston.

Far be it from me to discuss the plausibility of a cartoon where zits can become sentient monsters, but what would crossing a cream with the SAME EXACT CREAM accomplish? It doesn't make sense, and if I call it funny, humor can sue me for libel. This isn't just a thing that the show did. This is what the show does. If you can remember it, Johnny Test is awkwardly trying to shoehorn it into it's badly scripted so called plots.

4)Johnny Test knows not humor

"This here be the funny switched. Hasn't worked in many moons."

"What is this...Hue-Moar you speak off?" would reply this show after being asked why it causes tumors in the funny bone. In it's six year history, Johnny Test has never even run into laughs, not even by accident. If it ever did, though, I'd like to think it would pull out a gun and yell that he killed them.

As a key piece of evidence, I present this episode, there Johnny is unable to buy a game because it is rated M. His parent don't want him to get the game, so the stage is set for scenes of Johnny Test doing stupid things to get a videogame. At the end, he eventually gets it, plays it, and declares that it gives him nightmares and that hjs parents where right. In pretty much those words. Yep. That's the punchline. He might as well have said "Running time achieved. Cowabenga."

"Here's the key to the cyanide case. Bring for everyone."

There are many elements to comedy, such as timing, tone and playing with expectations. Johnny Test knows. It's spent whole existence escaping from those. But if Sitcoms and Inspector Gadget(1997) taught us anything is that funny sounds make drab comedy tolerable by telling the audience, "yeah, we know it's not funny". And so, Johnny test scrounged up the meager sounds it could: whipping noises. Every time something poignant(more like repugnant) happens, the ghostly sound of a whipping noise can be heard, making me think the forced jokes that comprise this show are literally forced by whipping.

3)Johnny Test is inferior to it's most likely inspiration

Okay, say you got high as hell and watched a bunch of Boomerang shows. And then the mafia showed up and said they where gonna kill your family unless you weaponized yawns using Illustrator, you still could not come up with a more uninspired show than Johnny Test.

A head of fiery...waitaminnit!

The makers actually probably thought to themselves: "What if Dexter's Labs was rule 63ed, and whatever of value of that show was traded by failed catchphrases and abhorrent stereotypes?" It really is a gender swapped scenario for Dexter, except since now that it's the boy wrecking the experiments he's the hero.

Charted!

Except that Dexter's Lab was pretty groundbreaking, smart, and funny, Johnny Test is avenging it's parent's death's at the hand of mirth.

2) Johnny Test exist because it's funded by you

And by you, I mean you, if you're Canadian. Apparently the show is granted continued, torturous existence because it's made in Canada, where subsidies to local animation people allow it to be produced and sold cheaply to Cartoon Network. So CN can run it at any time with less risk of losing funds, and the makers are at less risk. This terrible, terrible show has a chance of outlasting well animated, fun shows like Adventure Time and Thundercats because those people had to put "effort" and "money" and "talent" into their shows, while Johnny Test can shit out 20 new "Wacky Races" ripoff episodes on the cheap. There has never been this little a need for talent over exposure since Paris Hilton.There hasn't been this effective an outdated parody outlet since Hoodwinked. Except Hoodwinked wasn't paid for by the people of Canada.

But they payback in hate.

Here's a lesson for the kids: If you work hard and put your heart into it, you will be less sucessfull than those who don't give a fuck and put no effort in it.

1) Johnny Test has one animator:

Moar By-Boll Refrences LoL!

Here's the IMDB Cast for Johnny Test. You will notice it has two people under "animator", and they didn't even work the same years. I wrote this list because of that. See, once I knew a single human being worked on animating this show I understood. The doors opened.

See, traditional animation, even though it's mostly now done with computers, is still a relatively painstaking process that costs money. But Canada's paying the bill on this one, so I guess we can make a higher quality on this one? Nope. Johnny Test's people decided that it doesn't matter if the characters have pointy claws for hands and move like a pop up book, as long as the show gets to CN on time.

Johnny Test animates like a bad flash porn game. Each snappy move actively defies what "animation" is. Each Background is worst than the last. But what do you want, you couldn't fill a hatchback with all the people working, and you couldn't fill a bathroom with all the people who care.

Hm-mm!

So yes, a single solitary man animates this show. And if IMDB is to be believed, since 2008 no one has actually animated it.

Whoa. Didn't see that coming.

Today you find strenght in the unlikeliest of places...

2011-08-27T11:29:00.000-07:00

Don't fuck with her, she on LMN now, bitch!

Hoodwinked totally ripped this off.

If you're so bad, how come you're so neutered?

Who doesn't like fighting game chicks?

Movie news: Danger Girl,Wonder Woman, CG Yoda

2011-08-27T07:48:00.000-07:00

Been a busy week, and I wanted to touch on some of the news that have been going around.

Latino Review, the site I go to for movie news now that Cinematical got offed, is reporting that a movie based on Chromium Era adventure comics Danger Girl is already looking to nab Sofia Vergara, Milla Jovovich, and Kate Beckinsale.

Even though it sounds unlikely, I do have to disagree. First off, Danger Girl is about breasts going on adventures.I mean, it's not like this is gonna be a deep study on the human condition or anything. If you ask for a ticket to Danger Girl, you are asking for a ticket to breasts.We're not dealing with thought provoking documentaries about the Black War, here.

Not The Cove, here.

Why would anyone would associate breasts and Milla Jovovich? Secondly, both Milla Jovovich and Kate Beckinsale seem a bit...well, old to pull of this team. I mean, look at the images of the girls. Now look at Images of Kate and Milla. See? They should have brought some Michelle Rodriguez.

Sofia Vergara, however, does have the range to play boobs.

But really, they should have gotten Denise Richards to play all 3 girls. All the girls look just like she did when she was young, anyway.

The new 6 movie Star Wars box set is not going to be without itty bitty bitchy changes, apparently, as the Puppet Yoda from the Phantom Menace is set to be replaced with the CG version the other prequels had. Watch for yourself in this memorable scene and compare to the old one.

Now, maybe it's me, but I feel the puppet moved with more emotion and concern than the CG one, and it's not some "CG ruined everything" crap. It's the difference 'tween this

and
this.

Animation is an artform, and this was just badly animated. You'd think in one of the better, iconic scenes of the prequels they'd put more of an effort. It's not just putting it on the computer and setting the bump maps at max, damn you!

Director of movie I-have,-but-haven't-got-to-watching Valhalla Rising Nicholas Winding Refn says if his upcoming remake of old, weird movie Logan's Run is a success, he's been promised to be let to make his Teta positive Wonder Woman movie. I am highly conflicted between how much I want it to be true and how little I think it is possible. Still, just a crappy remake and then we get our Wonder Woman. How's it going with those remakes, boys? Can we get the Starred panties now?

Hollywood is a funny place. They can find a concept and remove the charm out of it like no other. Eddie Murphy(Norbit, Pluto Nash, The Haunted Mansion, and the good movies they successful buried as well) is set to voice the titular character of Hong Kong Phooey in the new Live Action, CG hybrid. Invariably this will stupidly be about a dog who somehow acquires powers and has to prance around New York.

And invariably feature dated references.

What bothers me is, I know Hollywood has had it for putting CG animals/creatures in New York ever since Stuart Little. But why take something featuring anthropomorphic animals and ruin the charm by making them "real" animals. In a cartoon world, Top Cat is a cat that is also pretty much a person. We don't need that, but with the cat being an actual (crappy CG)cat. We don't need actual CG gorilla Maguilla Gorilla, we don't need actual CG squirrel Inspector Squirrel. If you HAVE to get your CG creature on New York bug on, at least pick franchises that lend themselves to that.

Put your art into it!

2011-08-21T10:16:00.000-07:00

Well, it does "devieate"...

A Mercenary Gesture

2011-08-20T12:56:00.000-07:00

I hate it when a plan gets discovered by people who knew about it.

Earlier in the week news came down that mercenaries have apparently been training illegally in the center of the island. The neightbors of the region think the mercs are a little too loud and paramilitary train-y to be there, and want them out, while the mercenary group has hidden the evidence on their website that pretty much said "It's cool to be here in Puerto Rico! Come on over!

Frankly, I think it's a shame. Mercenaries are an important step into making the island into an action movie. Whether they be Mercenaries for Justice, or being killed by Riddick or Wikus on Merwe, mercenaries enrichen any fiction they are in.

If I could take off my head, I wouldn't even need money.

Sure, this island has it's share of shootouts, fights, hitmen, murder misteries, intrigue and such. But never in the spirit of what a Deadpool could bring.
Without the Merc School, our only mercenaries will be our politicians, Gossip Mongers, musicians, and other assorteds with all of the money grubbyness and none of the grenades.

See! It's just...Grr!

What I think they should do is keep the Mercenary training ground, and train the local populace for free. Sure, you'll get a lot of unstable men running around the island with guns and stuff. Hopefully that's when Vin Diesel steps in.

Scolding Reviews: Battle Arena Toshinden

2011-08-20T09:27:00.000-07:00

Way to make it seem like there's a 3 way in the movie, guys.

My ambiguous relationship with Anime aside, I do feel a little jealous of Japan. See, under a certain level of obscurity, you're never gonna see most videogames adapted here in the west. No matter how much you think Darkstalkers would make a kickass movie, the Hollywood system would prefer things with names people know like Asteroids. Meanwhile, in Japan, you kick a bush and an anime OVA of some obscure Playstation game drops out.

Fuck, even PORN fighting games get adapted!

My relationship with said game series, Battle Arena Toshinden , extends mostly to playing a Demo on Toys R Us back when...well, when it was new. I remember it had a character named Fo, which I guess was funny because of cultural reasons you don't care about.

The Anime begins with a fleet of warships reunited to celebrate the end of the cold war. Huh?

Cold War, you say...

However, the cold war soon gets hot as a long haired super warrior begins exploding everything and killing everyone.I don't think he does it for any reason.

Maybe he doesn't believe in peace between the Cherry Bomb block and the Avocado block.

The mane-man, named Sho, hunts down and attacks the only character I remember from the game: Huge claws wielding Fo, and they have a fight. Sho wins it when he uses the same technique as Fo. I don't know how, since Fo's attacks involve (for lack of a better comparison) Wolverine-ish claws and Sho uses a Katana blade. Whatever.

We finally move on to our protagonist, ~~Discount-Store Ryu~~ Eiji Shinjo, as he remembers how the tournament ended with a confusing fight involving a huge, Trojan Man voice Samurai named Gaia, creepy sword licker for this show Chaos, and himself. It ends with Gaia and Chaos disappearing and Eiji no closer to finding his brother.

Was wondering the same myself.

Wait...the tournament ended? Then what the hell is this movie about? Well, to answer that Kayjin, the Ken to our Ryu has yet another fight with him. It's six minutes in and we are at 3 fights. If you don't like anime swordfights, rescind now. Besides friendly sword-banter, Kayjin wants to let Eiji know someone's been attacking tournament participants, and that maybe they should look into it. I don't know how there are "participants" left of a "tournament" which involve swordfighitng, but I guess it's best not to think about it...

THERE ARE NO RAYS INVOLVED IN THIS MOVE, KAYJIN.

Meanwhile, at the Hall of Doom, one of said fighters, Rungo, is forced to fight Chaos for the entertainment and enlightenment of our villain, Lady Uranus, a pompous , haughty woman dressed in increasingly silly and improbable outfits. I...have no choice...

Tell Harry...

...I'm sorry...

Also, get used to Chaos bringing up Gaia. This guy mentions Gaia more than the Planeteers.

Our heroes try to keep ahead of the nefarious and lazily named "Organization" by visiting Sofia, a fighter formerly brainwashed by Org. that now spends her days trying to remember her previous life.When she hears the Organization is "on the move" either the music gets really stupid or she drops all the cutlery in the house.

Ain't no stoppin' them now?

While this happens, Lady Gag-me is having her Steve Jobs-like presentation of the "Man Machine Project" in the DARKEST FUCKING CONFERENCE ROOM IN THE WORLD. The stockholders, or potential investors or whatever they are can only be seen when they turn on their personal monitors. And there's a projector behind Uranus showing images of Sho wrecking the "End of the Cold War" fleet. Jesus, wasn't this on the news?

Sofia and Eiji discuss Eiji's tragic backstory, unaware that from her ANGEL SHAPED THRONE, complete with HALO, Lady Urinal is plotting to control Sofia. See, the organization did some kinds of experiments on her and now ~~Cammy~~ Sofia is reliable as a Manchurian candidate.

The trap is sprung as Sofia takes an obligatory sexy anime bath and visits Eiji in his room, naked. While he's distracted by all the goodness, she tries to stab him in the neck. He jumps out the window, and when he lands, he's in full costume despite being at least shirtless inside. She jumps down, and now she's in her fight costume as well. The Fuck?

Tetas!

You see, I get WHY you're not having this two fight naked, I just don't see why you would try and have it both ways by having them naked only for them appear conveniently in costume. If you don't wanna be Ninja Scroll it's fine, just don't SET IT UP! At any rate, Eiji defeats her, with the power of love.

Then Sho shows up. And he's all, "I don't have to explain anything , fight me!" And they fight! Sho defeats Sofia and Eiji with his magi-blasts and superior swording. So Eiji, realizing this is probably not the brother he dreams of stabbing with a sword, turns the battle around and whups Sho.

Lady Pretentious shows up in her cupid suit. The Following exchange ensues.

Eiji: Who Are you?

Lady Uranus: This has given me excellent data.

Eiji: Data? What are you talking about?

Lady Uranus: I am Lady Uranus.Everything is gone just as I had planned. Creating the Man Machine android in the form of your brother resulted in heightening your emotions to levels I've never seen before...it's so easy to manipulate you trough your emotions! You're an amateur.

Eiji: Why you...What do you want from me?

Lady Uranus: That's for me to know!(Fades away)

After that, Eiji tends to Sofia, and wonders what is going on, despite it having been mostly told to him by Lady Ironman.

Meanwhile Not-Ken arrives at a circus to talk to Ellis, a little girl who is liable to be the next victim of the Organization. She's practicing her knife tossing routine on her boss, when all a sudden she's distracted by Kaijin's appearance and she misses her mark.It's funny when he's offscreen, but once we see him, she got him on the neck. He needs a medical attention!

The first episode ends with Eiji jumping off the grand canyon into the sun. I don't get it either.

Moving on from that. Ep 2 opens with Gaia fighting ninjas while Chaos sort of tells himself how awesome killing Gaia is gonna be. This real time, or a flashback? Hell if I know.

Then we see Ellis doing her knife routine. The crowd loves it, or maybe they haven't realized they are watching a little girl in a cleavage exposing, junk riding swimsuit. Goddamn it, Japan.

I mean, I know your women peak early, but at least wait until puberty...

After the show, the gets debriefed on the Man Machine Project and how they probably want to get to her too, to study her data. I just hope lady Uranus would put the data of the fighters into something cooler than stupid, Chai-like Chaos. Like Sunglasses.

Of course, then they pretend to leave so that she can have a fight with perverted, blade-licking Chaos. Because Japan likes the idea of a blade licking pervert fighting a pre-teen in chest exposing beachwear. Eventually though, they do step in, but Chaos reveals he's a much betterer super fighter than the last one, who was only fighting at 30% power. Fuckin' power levels, this isn't the Scruffydragon Forums!

So Chaos beats them, and is about to hopefully just kidnap the girl and kill her, when Gaia intervenes. Gaia handles Chaos pretty well, until Chaos, inspired by the best, burps noxious green gas into Gaia's face. He seems to not be bothered by this but Ellis(who is his daughter) doesn't seem to know, as she jumps into the cloud to save him. Sure enough, she get poisoned, and it's a poison only Lady Urawhore can cure in her lair. They invite Gaia to an obvious trap in the headquarters of the organization.

They rush Ellis to the hospital, where a cop lady with blue hair in a skanky outfit gives them grief about their story, which apparently involves them fighting a stray dog.

Officer, is this a porn movie or am I in trouble?

Meanwhile, an attack on a military base is seen on the news, with the anchor wondering who it could have been. Didn't he read the news?

That Alien Fiend's plans won't go unopposed...

Anyway all points converge at the Headquarters of the Organization, As Lady Cop, Sofia, Eiji and Kaijin head there. The HQ is seemingly a mountain with two towers set above it. Also, Ninja are everywhere and try to stop them. Eiji and Kayjin leave the women behind to fight the mooks while they split up between the towers. Eventually, they run into what they should have expected.

Bullet...FIYA!

But wait, a Samurai guy makes the save! He's here to help! And the guy we last saw choking in his own blood at Casa Organization! He's also here to help! And also some knight guy with the cliche bullshit about beating Eiji first! And Fo! Is anyone missing?

Sekretary! You did come!(Heroic music)

Lady Uranus seems pretty certain this is no big concern, but then Gaia shows up at her room and they talk while Chaos blathers on in the background. Lady Overdressed tells Gaia the final phase of the project is the removal of all thoughts that aren't fighting. That seems...impractical. You're not creating guard dogs, lady, you're creating Super Soldiers. Although a guard dog that only attacked would make a poor guard dog.

So, what can I do to send you home with a blade licking murderous pervert who screams "Gaia" all the time and can only think of fighting?

Eventually, though, Chaos and Gaia engage in combat. Kayji finds the building where Gaia and Chaos are fighting, while Eiji finds the Man Machin incubation centre. He blows it up and does a pretty impossible stunt to get to the other building.

While the supporting cast show off their incredibly stupid special move names, Eiji and Kayjin and Gaia cannot beat Chaos using theirs because he's programmed to react to them. So they switch moves around and start doing each other's moves, which he does not expect. This eventually wins the day as Eiji does a hyper uppercut in the air and orgasms Chaos into exploding..

DISAPPOINTED FIRST NIGHT OF SEX TOGETHER FOLLOWED BY 4 YEARS OF BITTERNESS! FLASH!

However, despite being overwhelmed by Eiji, Kayjin, Gaia, and a sudden appearance by Sho, Lady Ur-a-nut manages to slowly fly away to make more stupidly named things.

All the heroes reunite and laugh at the fact that they worked together now, but in the next Toshin Tournament, some dumbass is going to get stabbed. Also, Ellis wakes up to our lead Shotos as her father gave her the medicine, but left. Eventually Eiji wanders into the promise of a sequel and the movie ends.

"Because we're all in this together..."

This anime is...not bad. It's sort of a poor man's Street Fighter 2 anime, but hey, you've already seen that a million times. While it certainly isn't innovative or amazing, it's good for a watch or two. It's fairly well done for an Anime based on some game no one ever cared about, and while it's pretty much going through the motions, there are certainly worst Anime out there.

This is how we doooo it!

2011-08-19T15:02:00.000-07:00

Step Up 2 the Marvel Universe!

Love Letter: The Michelle Rodriguez character

2011-08-18T11:35:00.000-07:00

She's about to fix rain. Permanently.

You know, I love an action girl. Just ask anyone. It has lead me to some poor viewing choices, such as Ecks vs Sever, and Immortal. But It's also lead me to good choices, such as 2000's Girlfight.

While the movie itself was way less actiony and a lot more dramaty than I'd hoped, it did introduce to me the wonders of Michelle Rodriguez, and her singular creation: "The Michelle Rodriguez character".

I ain't never seen such a cold stare, mon.

Now, you have probably seen this character. It's ussually some sort of military figure or soldier, and played by Michelle Rodriguez.

She has at least one moment to show she doesn't take bullshit from anyone.

Here eyelids are partially closed, so it looks like her eyes are scowling.

However mean she comes off as, she usually proves to be a friend to the protagonist.

She has high potential for some dramatic death, but not always.

She's usually alive by the end of the film, despite the odds, though.

She carries some kind of rifle or other high powered weaponry.

And as a general rule, she's generally not the object of affection of our leads.

Now, you may think I'm poking fun at how this Domi-rican actress is getting typecast, but I think there's a reason for it: She's really good at this type of role.

See, getting the ingredients to a believable action girl right is hard. Not everyone can pull it off. And even though we like action girls, an unconvincing action girl can bring the whole thing down. You can't just put any model in a battle suit and put guns in her hand and call it a day.

"I used to deesign for GODS!"

Michelle Rodriguez plays tough well.It's a shame she doesn't get too many lead roles since. The closest thing to a leading role I see in her IMDB is Blue Crush, which is a surfing movie I didn't see, so I'm guessing she didn't play a mean, military minded no nonsense surfer.


No one else has billing in this series that isn	't Milla Jovovich. E-VER!

I guess the world isn't particularly ready for a tough hispanic female character that isn't all about sex appeal. All the more reason to do give her a lead. Maybe like in a pirate film or something. Something that isn't a supporting role. While we wait, I do declare, "I love 'The Michelle Rodriguez character'."

Love Letter: Fender

2011-08-17T23:52:00.000-07:00

Dude, can you even see?

You know, there's a lot of love for a villain out there that's smart and multidimensional. The schemer, the manipulator, the idealist. The kind of guy you know is only a casting choice away from being a hero. However, straight evil guys, guys who just live on strife, can easily be just as or more fun than those. One such is the first entry into my new series Love Letter, where I gush about the things I like.

The movie Cyborg has a bit of a cult following. Originally an attempt at a sequel to the live action Masters of the Universe movie AND Spider-Man, somehow, Cyborg is one of Jean Claude Van Damme's team up movies that had him teaming up with a cyborg woman in a post apocalyptic scenario before he teamed up with a gay rights icon, videogame characters, or Jean Claude Van Damme. But really, it's the film's villain, Fender that takes the cake.

Then he sets the cake on fire.

Fender Tremolo, as played by surfer Vincent Klyn, is the leader of a gang of marauders that terrorize whoever they can find, apparently for shits and giggles. A tall guy in chainmail and big 80s glasses to hide his freaky eyes,he is as primal and basic as villains come.

The movie by describing the events that lead to the world being thrown back to pretty much the middle ages, and the efforts of some scientists to fix it, and then the narrator turns out to be Fender, who declares he really that he likes the world in it's current state. By screaming. Subverting the narration? My God!

It's clear Fender, like myself, sees the apocalypse as a chance for rapid social ascension by way of "everyone who could have stopped me is dead." When he's not killing people by sticking sharp objects in their mouths, he's searching for Pearl, the titular Cyborg who has the cure for the plague. This drives her to seek the help of Jean Claude Van Damme, who in this movie is a mercenary and protector to those who can pay.

Of course, JCVD has his own past history with Fender, which he recalls as he's crucified by the guy. Back when he was a young, optimist mercenary in the...it's still post apocalypse, I think...Fender put him, his child and his wife aloft over a well, forcing Van Damme's other kid to try and save them by HOLDING A BARB WIRE.

Spoiler Alert: Character's who's last name isn't Van Damme die in this scene.

See, Fender isn't just a power hungry madman. He's worst, a sadist. A man who, as they say in my country, will shoot you just to see you jump. The kind of man who knows no remorse or redemption. He's the result of a world with no laws: where you just know some random asshole is gonna try and push everyone until they fall or push back.

The kind of guy you don't want staring at you while you sleep.

But in the end, Fender's just a man, right? When it comes to the movies physical resolution of the conflict, It's easy to remember who's name is atop the poster, and lose that suspension of disbelief. How can some dumb ass leader of a gang defeat the Muscles from Brussels, a trained superfighter who can do the splits on a whim?

Here's how: Fender is immune to pain.

When I was a kid, this scene scared the hell out of me. I thought Fender really was a cyborg all along. Even thought it just occurred to me he was shown as a young man earlier. Van Damme fuckin' punches the guy, and it's like he's got a button on his face that says: "Primal Scream action Fender!Try me! !" It's never really explained, but I subscribe to the theory of strength by madness. See, unlike certain other people, Van Damme, or at least the makers of this movie understood that if the good guy isn't threatened, the whole thing falls flat.

This is the kind of stuff we want heroes to stop.

And in the end, we feel all the more happier when Van Damme defeats Fender and reunites with his estranged daughter. Fender really did make this movie. With a story of redemption, revenge, and other played out elements like this, you really need something to make a film above average. Fender may not be the most layered, or innovative villain out there, but he plays it up to eleven and that's why we love him.

Charge!

2011-08-15T01:46:00.000-07:00

No way is a Rhino charging on a scorpion fair

Wow, man, this empty field was a terrible place for a picnic...

Scarecrow is totally gonna tackle Flash.

Admittedly, this one doesn't fit the theme. I just like it.

Horrendous Theory: Something Something Halo something 9-11

2011-08-13T23:11:00.000-07:00

Welcome, my friends to a very special episode of Horrendous Theory.

This episode is not about an actual theory I have, but rather abut something that has bugged me for almost a decade. It can be accurately described as a scary coincidence, more than anything. But then again, there are those who do not believe in coincidences.

Like, why would he even?

See, it's been nearly 10 years since the terrible terrorist attacks that shocked New York and shook the world. Since it is a tradition to say where one was that day, I was at school, though I heard a teacher mention planes had crashed into the Twin Towers. Which I remember where mentioned by J, of the Men in Black Animated series, to be the biggest building in the Manhattan. Then I got home, and things where badder than I ever suspected.

So much more badder

Thousands of lives lost, a literal center of trade turned to rubble and the increasing feeling that war was going to begin any time now replaced any optimism we might have had for the young millennium. Religious zealots had brought war against the American people. Whatever you thought was gonna happen before didn't matter.

But I guess, for me, it wasn't too bad a year. 4 months' later I bought an Xbox and eventually it's greatest launch title, Halo: Combat Evolved.

The feeling of being an invincible super soldier went right along the growth of increased militarization regarding real life. I actually talked about the possibility of being drafted over enlisting with a friend of my brother while playing it. 'Course, even then I knew real military conflict was harder, and yet more boring than a campaign on legendary.

No Banshees on sight, yet.

But you can't deny the appeal of Halo's story: Fighting to defend humanity from the religious extremists of the Covenant, barely surviving the attack on Reach that...

Wait, what? Religious Zealots? An devastating attack no one saw coming? Military response? But...Halo...has an eerily similar plot to the one from...9-11. I mean, there are key differences but it's still sort of the same.

For one, real life didn't throw The Flood in there to spice things up. Except, you know...

But as I said, I DON'T have a theory. What could I say, that Halo did 9-11? And Halo was about religious alien zealots years before it hit the Xbox . I guess if you already believe there was a super massive conspiracy to cause the attacks of 9-11 for some reason, you could neatly tie this up under "see, it was planned all along!". But, me, I can't in good conscience say that the similarities between this fictional videogame events and the very real tragedy that happened on that day. Not without evidence, I can't.

It's still freaky, though.

Justice League: Task Force Videobrain review

2011-08-12T21:43:00.000-07:00

We don't need another hero-hero-hero...

Attempts at describing the game that haunted my Sega Nomad for years. I wasn't sure about doing this in English, since It's already too much like other reviews. I thought it might be a little different if I put on the Spanish. Hate the subtitles? Want me to speak English? Chime in!

Leaked in Early Secrets: Resident Evil Retribution Storyboard

2011-08-10T21:01:00.000-07:00

Another day, Another pack of L.I.E.S. for all you little monsters out there.

Now, I've yet to secure the script for the new Resident Evil movie, but I did one better: I tricked series writer and Milla Jovovich's husband Paul W.S. Anderson into describing a scene, which I then turned into this little story board. How did I do that? Well, it's certainly a more interesting story than anything that actually happened in the movies since Alice and Rain Ocampo almost make out.

Wait, is is she zombie yet?I can never tell!

But seriously, here's the storyboard, with the words of Paul W.S. Anderson himself.

And seriously, when have I ever lied to you?

M.U.G.E.N. vol 2 Colony Page 13

2011-08-10T13:09:00.000-07:00

Late adopter over here!

The Super Agents Sugar Ant and Fire Ant are back for another round!

In this page, red tape attacks!

Damn Backgrounds!

4 Origins that you didn't need to know(but they made them anyway)

2011-08-08T09:08:00.000-07:00

What do you mean, "his X-rays will show no evidence of being shot through?" Be quite and let me work on my memory erasing bullets in peace.

Have you ever met an interesting person and wondered how they arrived at that particular junction of their lives? Of course you do. Or maybe not, I dunno. The fact is, curiosity drives us to wonder like this.

It's no different with fictional characters. However, very often, especially if a character's coolness is helped by having a mysterious past, trying to tell the origins of a character you know and love already is a bad idea. And a lot of times, those origins aren't something the character really needs. Here's some examples.

Everyone in Shenmue:

But aren't you curious what they do when not being punched?

Shenmue is the precursor to a lot of what we're doing right now in video games, for good or for ill. However, one fact that didn't caught on was that every single, solitary NPC, enemy and pretty much every character had a name and a backstory.

Never mind that most of them have stock responses to whatever you're asking. Yu Suzuki really thought he needed to explain why a pizza guy runs the pizzeria or or that that one girl likes to undress her dolls and display them or what lead to those mean ass bitch schoolgirls to being what they are.

Finally...closure...

Look at this shit. How much of this do you think comes into play in the actual game? Hardly any. It's one thing to see each character head to home after hours, it's another to know that they're still paying their mortgage.

Master Chief:

Stupid floor! Help! I'm stuck!

If you're willing to invest yourself in Halo Mythology, you could learn a lot about it's protagonist,Spartan Super Soldier Master Chief. You could learn he was once a boy who was kidnapped, replaced with a clone, and made into a supersoldier. You could learn his name is John.

I see what you did there, Bungie.

You could...but play the freaking games. Master Chief is known for never showing you under his helmet , for attempting to finish the fight and for being marooned on the surface of a ring-world. Does his origin change any the perception of him?

In fact, in the games, The Chief is purposely kept a mostly blank slate, because it's the player who guides the character's actions. How he became a soldier isn't even a priority in this story of alien zealots, secret super plagues, and lovelorn AIs.

Sonic the Hedgehog:

Is he putting the number 2 or taking it?

Now, kids, Sonic may have become a convoluted mess of friends and Final Fantasy knock off monster bosses now, but there was a time when Sonic was just a Felix the Cat analogue fighting evil Teddy Roosevelt and his robots by running from the left side of the screen to the right side of the screen.

And during those times, in the official games, there WAS no explanation where he came from. At least in the games. Sega of America made a friggin' bible trying to get just where Sonic is that leads him to be what he is. And, you know, it involves Sonic 's past as an actual, bug eating hedgehog, his father dying and him becoming an anthropomorphic hedgehog because of radioactive sludge.

Sonic Begins.

Of course, you could take the Sonic Underground origin, as sung by Not-Disturbed, about how he's really a heir apparent and searching for his mother because of a prophecy.

Hey, geniuses, Sonic doesn't need an origin. He's a cartoon hedgehog that runs into trouble with robots. Don't try to make this explainable by tacking on origin to it.

Darth Vader:

It is your deshtinee...to become Jenny Cho...

Now, enough has been said about the Star Wars prequels to block out the sun itself, and most of it isn't good.

Now, I don't want to retread that old ground and I don't really hate the Prequels that much. But as a point of analysis, I ask you: What where the prequels supposed to be? Why they where supposed to show the story that lead to the Origin of the Empire, and the origin of Iconic asthmatic Villain Darth Vader.

And as bad as the movies may have been, they did set up the Empire, if in an overly convoluted way. But Vader, not so much.

I mean, yes, he ends up in the suit. But the character is not really the same. See, Vader, as voiced by James Earl Jones, had a suaveness to him. When he's yelling at you to find them and bring them back alive, you get a sense he's a leader. But when he's not aggravated, you get a sense there's more to him than being a space bully. He's like...a very smart, cultured man. Or at least a man with some wisdom.

They should have gotten Collin Salmon to dub over Hayden Christensen.

The Prequels essentially have him as an angry young, dumb man. You never get a sense that he's anything more than that. He doesn't have the leadership skills or confidence in the Force that future Vader does, and it doesn't show where those came from. I guess for that they would need to bridge between Ep 3 and Star Wars, huh? But if Lucas can't tell this origin properly in 3 movies, I doubt he could do it in 1.

But seriously, what are the defining points of Anakin by his final battle with Obi Wan? He thinks that the Jedi are evil(though he has no real reason to believe this), he wants to gain enough power to stop death(for one person, which he himself choked with little provocation) and he's willing to help a shady old man he knows is evil(who explicitly draws his powers from something known as "the dark side". No confusion there.) into ruling the galaxy. He's evil, sure. But he's not the kind of evil real Vader is.

Nick Furry: Agent of Y.I.F.F.

2011-08-05T21:05:00.000-07:00

Can't make a furrier version of the Hoff Nick Fury...

Quit hogging all the monsters, science!

2011-08-04T13:37:00.000-07:00

"All I ask is that you dress like cats!"

It has been discovered that several scientists have been working on human/animal hybrids in their lab in secret for quite some time in England. This scientists have been censored for the ethic implications of the whole thing.

The ethical analysis of the whole thing is very interesting, and you can debate it whether is morally right to create such a being under the pretenses of advancing medical fields. And while I do believe there is much to worry about if this blurs the line of what human rights means or the sanctity of life, a bigger concern arises: I want my fucking Gadget now.

What? We where all 6 at one point, right?

No, shut up! You mean you guys had been doing fuckin' mutants in a lab somewhere for the last 3 years, and you didn't think: "Hey, maybe we need to be creating a Spider-Man."? Like " Maybe, we're living in a year that starts with 2 Thousand, and we're still without Tigersharks. Maybe we oughta be working on that."

I mean, I'm not one to play God, but if you must play God, go for the win! Embrace it! Ask for funding for the mutanimals project, I'm sure I would put some money down to see Ray Fillet in real life.

I want to see this "embryos". Show me them. You can't be this selfish. Do you think I buy the excuse that you where making manimals just because you cared about vaguely advancing fields of science? You where creating Mona Lisa, weren't you?! Share, dudes. Share.

The Female anatomy(according to fan fics)

2011-07-29T14:17:00.000-07:00

I just want to clear any missinformation out there: what you learned in Sex Education class (or as a course ina more general health class) is a lie. This is how the true knowers of the female body, Fan Fiction writers, have come to the conclussion the female body works.

I'm putting it after the jump because I don't want the kids to learn this stuff.

Once you go black...you'll never take off your fur-suit again.

1) The Breasts: Big bags full of milk that sit on the chest of a woman. Every woman, no matter her age, from your little sister to Jaime Lee Curtis can shoot red hot strings of milk at any given moment. Breasts can be infinitely big with no ill effect to the wielder.

2) The Uterus: A Flexible bag, to which the only entrance is the vagina. It can stretch to allow women to have babies or fuck dragons.

3) The Squirt Gun: Now, how did you think women shot magic lady juice all over the place?

4) The Anus: A big whole in the ass of women. Similar to a man's anus, the subtle difference is a woman's anus is just waiting for things to enter it. As I understand it, women love it when things enter it suddenly and without any lubrication. Also, poop, does come out of there, so it's prime scat fic prime state.

5) The Vagina: A cave of mystery we are yet to fully understand. We do know it shoots lady goo and urine, but the jury is still out on honey mustard and mayonnaise. Several mystery characters, such as the G-spot and the clitoris, can only be unlocked through it. But the important part is that's where the penis goes. Or, you know, so I heard.

Scolding Reviews: Immortal

2011-07-27T17:22:00.000-07:00

Undying haet is what I have.

Expectations are fairly important in the entertainment business. If your set up a marketing campaign for a movie that makes it look like a European matrix knockoff because it's 2004, sure, you'll fool a couple of people. But when they hear what it's really about or like, you'll lose them completely. Be hones. Say it's about mutants and aliens and Egyptian gods and rape. There's an audience.

This movie...God, this movie! I mean, maybe I should have looked up something about it before hitting play.

The movie starts with a message that Eugenics is wrong, as quoted by something called the "Spirit of Nikopol". Ok. I mean, yeah, fuck Eugenics, but why not use the movie to tell it?

We then see a flying truck full of weird people being taken in a space transport, including our protagonist, a woman who let the dandruff take over. I mean, I'm not exactly healthy hair person, but damn.

Our Heroine, called Jill tries to escape, but is quickly subdued, and we see her transport is an eugenics transport! We know because it says Eugenics outside.

Also, she's Keanu Reeves in drag.

Seriously, where's the subtlety? The Death Star didn't have "Evil Empire" written outside it. I guess this "Eugenics" people have a total monopoly on it, huh?

And then another movie starts, as a voice narrates something about Egyptian Gods who don't want to miss out on the earth in their alotted time and that they're scared of dying.

Some ugly ass computer models of Anubis, Bast and Horus show up. The look like CG to PS2 cinematics. They talk about something in Egiptian and then Horus phases through a wall. Does this have anything to do with Eugenics? Either way, I hope this movie doesn't heavilly rely on computer models...

2 futurecopters approach Anubis as he's almost out off his flying pyramid, but he destroys them, clearly setting him up as the villain of the movie.

So our heroine is getting her tears harvested, when she catches the eye of a Scientist woman, who is talking to...some CG dude. Why is he CGI? He's a dude with bad skin. He looks so fake, especially when he's right aside an actual human being!

Visit Uncanny Valley today!

So the Dr takes her in. Then we follow a fully covered guy as he walks into a bar full of weirdos. Uh...cue the music? There is also fully CG news with CG talking heads. It's the future, baby.

Then it becomes entirely CG, as we see a fat politician, and his sexy Asian aide talking. What's going on? Did I accidentally put True Crime on? Do we need CG to make Asians and Fat white guys?

Either way, they say they cant' trust a cop to solve a case, though the Asian woman insists that since the cop had his face chewed off by the Die-ack, all he does its track down this type of case. It seems to have nothing to do with Horus or Dandruff girl. Which means we have 4 stories now and none of them are well developed.

It's not this guy, but close!

However, stories do collide as the CG cop, whose facial repair is more ugly than what we can do TODAY, is investigating a series of strange deaths, that are nothing more than Horus possessing people and their bodies not being able to handle it. The consider it could be a Die-Ack(you'll see), but no, those are extinct. Meanwhile Bast and Anubis play Monopoly. What the fuck?

My sisters doesn't want me to do the "what's wrong with your face?" joke. But I totally would!

The Dr tries to help her remember her dark mysterious past she can't remember, as well as find out why her organs are not where they should be. well, no duh, she's friends with Ultraman. After that she meets with the mysterious stranger from earlier, and tells her she just found out her organs aren't in the right place. The shady man scoffs and says "According to whose criteria?" Well, no duh, according to the smart lady in the white coat. She is smart.The stranger, called, John, reveals he's dying, and wants to help her before the planet does him in. This guys might be aliens or some shit.

Then a couple suspended animation tanks fall from their flying tank fortress. Cops try and investigate, but the Eugenics people arrive in their eugenics ice cream truck and start killing them. It's the perfect crime... you know, except that they did it during the daytime in their fully labeled truck.

Mommy! Buy me eugenics!

They take away most of the bodies before the cop guy gets there, and he only find a leg of another one. This last one is spirited away to some train tracks by Horus who starts creeping him out with his Nasonex Bee impersonation. Seriously, they're talking body possession, but Horus is totally making this gay. Which wouldn't be so bad if at least it was consensual. This...will become a trend later.

So Anubis fixes the guy and makes him a leg out of a piece of train track, which is...ridiculously functional. Still, who am I to question what Horus can or can't do? Horus can totally crash on this guy's body because he's not genetically manipulated. Take THAT Eugenics!

Meanwhile in videoland, the politician now has some type of clown make up, and is discovering the missing man is Nikopol, who was aparently sent to jail a bunch of years ago for not liking eugenics enough. His words are spread throughout the movie. But if you think the widespread of Eugenics and his own anti-eugenics militancy will play any part of this movie, then I'm sorry to disappoint. He's here to be bossed around by Horus into doing things.

Four more Years.

Meanwhile, Our heroine is doing her job as a guinea pig(Their term, not mine), which involves eating a bunch of weird food. I don't see how testing things on someone with abnormal physiology amounts to anything. But, whatever.

Senator Clownface is concerned Nikopol knows too much about his father's involvement with Eugenics and his illegal experiments. Er...doesn't the Eugenics transport say "Eugenics" outside of it? IS there such things as illegal eugenics? He says Nikopol wasn't executed because that would have made him a martyr. So NOW they're gonna kill him, by sending after him a shark dude of sorts.

DJ Pimpshark in the Hooouuse!

Meanwhile, Nikopol is convinced by Horus to search our Lead Female on the weirdo bar. However, our girl is exchanging flirty banter with her Dr that will go nowhere.

Damn.

Eventually, she makes her way into the bar. Nikopol is like "she hot, yo!" and Horus is like "'Course she hot! She the chosen one!" But who says the chosen one has to adhere to our standards of beauty? Especially since later we will see what she's chosen for is reproduction. She could be an elephant seal as long as she's got her ovaries in the right place. Which I'm guessing she doesn't because she's a freak.

At any rate, Nikopol tries and fails to hit on Jill, and he also tries and fails to get her drunk. It is then than Horus take over Nikopol completely and uses a Jedi Mind trick to convince her she is going to go with him and that they are, in fact, gonna fuck.

Now, you might try and make some kind of Whoopi Goldberg defense as to whether using mind control to have sex with people is rape. But once they get on the bed, it becomes all to actual, "trying to escape but being physically restrained" rape.

I don't know what one says.

After some stupid hijinx(which, I say, are great for breaking up the tension of the rape) she finds Nikopol and starts asking him what happened. He mentions they had sexual intercourse, which she asks what means.

Eventually he tries to tell her what really happened, but Horus pulls him back so she gives up and goes away.

Meanwhile Shark face has killed a detective that was looking into Nikopol and/or Jill, and the detective(the one with the scarred face) is looking at the body in the morgue, his assistant thinks it could be a Die-ack, but our officer says it was a humanized Die-Ack, because they found red epidermis on the scene, signed "eugenics".

Whaaaaaat? NOTHING ripped his skin. He was just sitting in the car! He was just sitting in the car calmly killing a guy. And why the hell would they sign the skin of their illegal experiment? Fuckin' EUGENICS!

The Hangover series will be weirder...

Nikopol is debating how much he disliked the "rape" part of the rape that happened, when Horus reminds him that without him, there will be no walking, as his ridiculous metal leg can't be moved without Horus allowing it. Am I the only on who thinks he should take the heroic route and cut it off, or what?

Jill talks to Dr Lesbian about what happened, but she has a little trouble because she doesn't know what "relations" or "penis" are.

Now, pause. Horus is kind of a God, and he probably knows this girl doesn't know shit about sex. So why not just ASK her to help him procreate. Why the rape?

She gets caught on the streets by the Eugenics truck and the Shark guy, but Horus kills them all and "saves" her. You know what I'm talking about, right?

He takes her to Nikopol's hideout, erases her memories and, just to be on the safe side, rapes her again.

Again, if you just told her your an eons old god trying to have kids, you might already have this well and done.

She wakes up outside of "Intrusion Zone" a walled of zone that has been mentioned several times but never actually explained. Meanwhile, Horus, now sounding less like Antonio Banderas and more like Phil Lamarr faces the impotent rage of Nikopol, who pummels his badly rendered CG body to no effect.

The Senator, becoming increasingly desperate, release a Die-Ack, which is essentially a shark that can do anything, to hunt down Jill. Or Nikopol. I am not sure.

He can even imitate dead comedians!

Nikopol meets Jill again, as she's lying in a bathtub filled with her blue tears(!). Apparently at some point, he sort of explained to her that is wasn't HIM doing all the rape. After exchanging flirty banter like "I should have shot you the first time we met" and "is he gone, the rapist inside you?" they have sex. It's technically consensual, but since the one guy she didn't want ended up being there all along, It's still disturbing.

As the shark approaches through the waterways, we see Kakutou Choujin-politician and his assistant discussing how she wants him to negotiate with the pyramid. and how she works for eugenics. Wait, I though HE was with them.The shark dude wass in the Eugenics ship...and he sent the shark dude... In either case, she says that they're both pawns, but she's a superior pawn, in a clear misunderstanding of how pawns actually work.

After some more disturbing talk about rape and sex, John crashes through the window on his future-car, and takes Nikopol away from the Super-Shark. All points start converging as Dr Lesbian and Detective Stupid-face also arrive on the scene and join a bloated final chase sequence that lands Jill, John and Nikopol right in the middle of Intrusion.

The senator is sucked into the pyramid and promptly also dropped into intrusion like a bag of badly rendered potatoes while John Offers Jill a Red Pill that will finally make her human. It is implied this will also make her forget everything. He dies a Star Wars death. The Super Shark appears, and is defeated in a tension-less battle by Horus.

It's the most...Extreme!

All points resolved, Horus says goodbye to Nikopol by telling him there "would always be a little bit of me inside of you" and by telling Jill he "Will never be farr from you...ever agen!" while going for a touch. How creepy can one guy get?

So Jill forgets everything and Nikopol goes on to take another year in frozen jail. After that, Nikopol apparently became a published author, which I guess is an achievement while being frozen. He asks Dr Lesbian about Jill. Eventually they meet, he get's to know their freaky spawn that can control small blue eagle, and she's conveniently forgotten all about the rape. And everyone lives happily ever after.

You may have noticed this is a longer review than usual. See, when I first saw this, all the mish-mash of plot elements, scifi and magic, trade between Shitty CGI people and live action was too much for me. I had to rewatch again as I typed because no way I was gonna piece it all together.

And maybe this movie has a message or central idea of some sort. Maybe I can't see it through the pretentious dialogue and weird ass bullshit. Maybe Nikopol learned that Eugenics aren't so bad when Egyptian idols force it. Maybe Jill learned to Forget about it. I can't find any of that.

My theory for the CGI is that they tried to describe that in this movie, A god forced a man to rape a woman twice, and no one was onboard, so they grabbed a couple of fellow pretentious friends and shot everyone else in CGI.

There's very little actions, the characters aren't likeable and while there are some nice effects, it's always undermined by the CG humans or the poor editig of the thing. So, don't be a fool, like me. You do NOT need to see this.

Rest in Peace, Amy Winehouse

2011-07-26T19:18:00.000-07:00

Rest assured, she's in heaven, learning how to Dougie...

Further discussin Ultimate Marvel vs Capcom 3

2011-07-26T08:24:00.000-07:00

The Pringles is strong with this one.

In a way, what I said is true: no more than ever there is very little for me to write about Ultimate MVC. Especially now that you know which characters are in. I mean, I could guess DLC characters or costumes. However, I want to talk about the 12 new characters and what I think of their inclusion as well as other announced features.

Hawkeye
I've never liked Hawkeye. His costume is sucky and he's just like Green Arrow. I never liked Green Arrow.
I did like his Hyper where he shoots out Antman. Batzarro ain't ever seen something like that before.

Firebrand
I fully expected would turn up in the first full game. Did they really plan Firebrand as DLC? He's interesting, but not really "take my money" interesting.

Rocket Racoon:
I have heard lots of good things about Rocket Racoon. Never read his adventures myself. But in game, it seems to me he's another gun guy in a game full of gun guys, albeit in shorter, cuter form. Again, not familiar, and not hating. I'm just not keen on more gun guys.

Nemesis: It's good that Capcom it's filling it's side of the villain Quota. Personally I would have gone with someone like Bison or Sigma, but Nemesis is a good choice, too.

Dr Strange: Yesh! Dr Strange is an excellent choice with lot's of move potential and he's also an Icon of the Marvel universe. Good to see him here.

Vergil: Now, I poked a bit of fun at Vergil, but he does have a lot of moves that aren't like Dante's. I don't care much about DMC, but he could be good.

Ironfist: It makes sense. One of Marvel's finest fighters. In a Fighting game. Plus, validation.

Frank West: This one's a bit obvious. I mean, they clearly meant for him to be in regular olf MVC3.

Nova: I grew up with Nova's adventures. I was saddened when we found him on four blocks and with all the parts stolen.

Wait, not that Nova?

Phoenix Wright: My favorite new choice. I will main him every day.

It's not all new fighters, though. There will aparently be new palettes and new costumes to play as. Aparently every character will have 2 new costumes and or palettes. I'm not quite sure if these are all included in the game, but at least certain costumes such as Casual Morrigan and Elvis Modok are paid for. Still no U.S. Agent.

Also, aparently more story stuff and endings will be available. This is good. Us 1 player fighting game sociopaths need love too.

And spectator mode is back! What the heck was the game like without it?

In short, I'm glad I was not able to buy the first game game, because until the arcade edition arrives, this will be the definitive Marvel vs Capcom 3.

"Godlike"

Don't you owe the Cranberies some money?

2011-07-25T11:27:00.000-07:00

Yes, before Reguetton took off into uninventive rehashings of the same rhythms and ideas, It was UNDERGROUND uninventive rehashings of the same rhythms and ideas. Concepts like copyright could not deter budding up and comers like Speedy to outright riff the melody from, say, 90s classic Zombie, repurpose the lyrics into generic "let's dance and later fuck" tripe that chokes the genre up to this day, AND CASH IN. Back then you didn't need no stinkin' license to make a "Cover" that actively ignored the subject of the original.

The day the prayers ended

2011-07-23T23:18:00.000-07:00

Come on! What about THIS KING?

It happened last week. It was an otherwise completely normal morning, except for one exceptional detail: All religion ceased to exist in every part of the planet.

And it was as beautiful as you'd imagine: The birds where singing(except for those birds that whern't.) the sun was shining(except those places on the other side of the planet) and life carried on(except where it wasn't able to).

No longer did Crescent Moons, Crosses, or Pentagons represent any belief at all. No one said "Oh my God" anymore, as no one knew what that meant, but they yelled "Oh my Gosh"! which they didn't really know what meant either.

And the preachers, the pastors, the orishas...they where gone! No one was going to mislead people into any religious ideology.

It was Sunday, I think. Feeling this brave new world, I turned on the news. It seems the religious conflict between Muslims and Jews in Palestine was over. It apparently was now a straightforward "We want all the good land, you take the shit land" conflict. No longer driven by any sense that the divine was leading them to claim land for themselves, they banked on years of respective recrimination and ethno-social differences to continue their endless struggle for the most resources. But at least is wasn't a religious battle anymore.

I put on the channel where my favorite televangelist used to be on, only to find Jenny McCarthy in a big podium, yelling about how vaccines caused every disease under the sun. The crowd watched intently as McCarthy yelled and condemned and welcomed and scorned. She was clearly a very charismatic woman, despite having the IQ and the medical knowledge of a Playboy Model. Good to see her using it on things that aren't Religious. She clearly had a following.

She Blinded me with (pseudo)science!

When I changed it, I beheld a well dressed man who was telling a crowd that America had destroyed it's own economy in a devastating attack on itself to start war on several middle eastern countries. He had a pretty big following, too. Which is pretty amazing, for a guy whose theories are that things that aren't supposed to happen happening means the U.S. government is involved somehow.

But oh, the sciences! Without religion around anymore, nobody was able to stop wondrous scientific achievements. I mean, aside from petty bickering between scientists. And lack of funding. And competition. And...you know, the stuff that stops science today. That isn't religion.

And people loved, yet they also still hated. And people cried, yet where also known to laugh. And people where people, and corporations where people, too. Aren't human rights wonderful with religion out of the picture?

And I realized this new world was much different than mine. The names where different. The Statue of Liberty was no longer based on "Libertas". And everyone acknowledged how awesome the Ancient Greeks where for being gay, and not just for subjugating most of the known world to a xenophobic regime in which only Greek Men had rights. I mean, gayness makes imperialism and slavery ok.

Aww, I can't stay mad at you for subjugating us, you saucy Greek Queen, you!

I get the appeal of a world like this, where changing one detail makes everything better, regardless of where everything came from. I used to have that, but of religion. I guess that's over now. I guess I can want anything to make the world better. Marijuana? Karate? Breast Augmentations? Dinosaucers? Hey, and even if claiming the world will be better if everyone watches Dinosaucers is pretty much ridiculously optimistic at best an outright fabrication at worst, at least I'll get more people to watch Dinosaucers with me. More people doing what I do and believing what I believe is good. For me.

It was a bold new world, so I wondered what I should do now for a while. Then I figured it out.

I'll do what I planned to do from yesterday.

Dear Neil Blomkamp...

2011-07-22T15:37:00.000-07:00

Thanks for stealing my idea, jerk...

Scolding Review- Wolverine and the X-Men

2011-07-20T12:56:00.000-07:00

I turned it off.

I have not seen an X-Men cartoon since the 90s one ended. As much as I like the X-Men, none of these series felt like stuff I needed to watch Evolution looked a little to young and hip, even though I was young and hip when it was on. Last week, I decided to give Wolverine and the X-Men a chance.

I turned it off.

I felt weird about this show. I've never been a big Wolvie fan. I mean, I get why people like him. I just don't naturally gravitate toward characters like that. And I knew his increasing dominance in X-Men lore wasn't just here, on the title of this cartoon. Still, can't hurt to try it.

I turned it off.

Something about Sentinels got foreshadowed. It won't be important. A scene took place on the Xavier institute. Wolverine is leaving. An uneasy feeling took over me. Why is this completely in character action so important?

I turned it off.

Everyone's fawning over Wolverine. Jean Grey, blows a kiss to him, in front of Cyclops, her boyfriend. So it's not even subtext anywhere?

I turned it off.

Blood was pumping in my veins. Was this anger? Should I have expected something else from a title that sounds like a Wolverine rock band? He approached Rogue.

I turned it off.
I turned it off.
Rogue is very sad that Wolverine is leaving.

I turned it off.
I turned it off.

I turned it off.
Rogue tells Wolverine something to the effect that the X-Men are not the X-Men without Wolverine. Thoughts. Blind Anger. No. Fury. Is this? What else? DO I want to..?

And then I turned it off.

I knew this cartoon was gonna suck Wolverine's Mutant peen, much like you knew I was gonna say at some point I turned off the cartoon. But to already start the cartoon with people acting like Wolverine is godsent what's he gonna grow into?

Fuck this cartoon and it's abnormal character development and Wolverine idolatry. Fuck it! If they can't be bothered to at least show why I should care about Wolverine, then I guess I won't bother with watching the rest of this.

Capcom Makes UMVC3, MVC exhaustion official

2011-07-20T12:13:00.000-07:00

Not particularly close.

Look, Capcom, I can't be mad at you for announcing a newer, better Marvel vs Capcom 5 months after the original was launched. For one, we know the story of the scorpion and the frog. If someone thought the creators of Super Street Fighter 2 Turbo: HD Remix to be beyond remaking the latest game, they don't know their history. For another one, I never bought Vanilla MVC3 because I'm poor.

However, I can't get on the hype train anymore. I've done it all. I made movements. I told L.I.E.S.(And more and more L.I.E.S). I freaking outed a character before he came out. THERE ISN'T ANYMORE LEFT TO GIVE, CAPCOM.

So you announced Ghost Rider(who was previously declared too punchy) Strider(Who was previously said not to work in game) Firebrand(a former background character) and Hawkeye. And there's still 8 characters to guess. No flights of fancy and no pictures this time, the other 8 characters are probably Cable(for pissing me off) Dr Octopus(Info in disk), Frank West(same as last), Ken(because people are stupid), Spider-Woman(because Marvel likes) Virgil(Fans are stupid) Iceman, and ~~Megaman~~ Dan. Tiffany Lords isn't in, Lin Kurosawa isn't in, none of the characters I want are in.

I'm not trying to be a drag, I expect the game to be good. But I can't muster up more imagination. It's all been washed away by the cynism of real life...what? Leaked Roster, you say? Wright is in? Dr Strange?

I might just start hyping again.

Why Wonder Woman can be good and you can like her for it (part 3) Casting

2011-07-18T23:43:00.000-07:00

It never gets old.

I think casting is a highly important part of a movie. A lot of it isn't even just who you pick, but how they fit with the director, other actors, and material. I guess what I'm saying is, even though I'm about to say who I think would be great in the roles the movie would offer, I'm not saying this is definitive or anything.

So here I go casting WOnder Woman.

Wonder Woman

How the fuck does the Smallville suit look better than the one in the pilot?

Not anyone can just play the character, despite the fact everyone wants to play her. However, there are at least 3 categories I think would make for a Good Wonder Woman.

1) A charismatic actress:
You're gonna need a character to tell the audience with a straight face about her magic Lasso and her purple healing ray. Not every model can do that. In fact, if there was one trend in Superhero movies this year, it's deadpan acting from under performing models hired as love interests. Don't put in Megan Fox just because you'd tap that. I would do Halle Berry, but no way in hell would I watch Catwoman in full.

2)An athletic young body:On the other end of the spectrum, I'm not advocating to put Judy Dench on the suit either. This is an action driven adventure story after all.However, I don't think shee needs to be as particularly endowed as any of the comics versions. Not that that's even possible.

3) Convincingly kickass: Not every girl you put on black leather feels like she can kick ass. She needs to be convincing when putting her frown on.

So who's got it?

Noomi practices her rapeface.

Noomi Rapace: For one, she's already made a name for herself playing a tough woman in the Millenium series. Sure, looking at her doesn't give you a vibe she's the most beautiful woman ever, and I haven't looked at her body too much. But since she's go the acting and she's got the toughness, that's 2 out of 3.

Let them roam free!

I'm not fully convinced Hendricks can play a hammy character like a centuries old Amazon, but ...well, we already discussed it.

Wait, are you asking me to photoshop you?

Kate Beckinsale already carried an action franchise pretty much all by herself. While the movies themselves are not exactly Oscar material, Kate Beckinsale does pretty well at the role.

Stever Trevor:

Mhay THEEF AR STUCK!

Again, Trevor is an important character for the audience: He's the one who has to ask questions like: "What is Themiscyra"? "How could an Island like this stay hidden?" or "What do you mean, "slaves?" I recommend:

Michael Angarano

Is he looking at amazons?

He played a pretty convincing Shia Lebouf 5 years ago. I'm sure he could do it again.

Hypolita:

You know, our lead's mom is an important character too. I would go with...

Sigourney Weaver. Sure, this would put the "Eternal youth" part of the story in doubt. But With Sigourney Weaver in there, who cares! Make her young like that creepy scene at the end of Wolverine.

He is the GOD OF WOR!

Ares: Like I said, I prefer the Onslaught look for Ares(Uh, which HE rocked first). I prefer if you're gonna have an evil God, you might as well make him ethereal, rather than a dude. That said, I have to say, my choice would be...

Malcolm McDowell. Now, I don't know this guy from a Clockwork Orange like most of you. I know him from playing Metallo in Superman: The Animated Series. And it was just badass delivery of every line. As a voice for an antagonizing God behind a helmet, he's just nail it.

Cheetah: As a potential villainess, Cheetah was already high on my list. If I had to cast her, though, it'd go with Amy Smart for the Priscilla Rich version.

Smart move.

Etta Candy:

Doesn't seem like a "Woo Woo situation to me".

Etta Candy is tricky, because comic relief is usefull, but you don't want it to be too much, or too ridiculous. What we need is to make Etta Candy a character whose's humor isn't rooted on the fact that she's fat, but embolstered by this fact. Make her, say, a fat woman who is ridiculously confident and just gets into trouble for it, despite her good intentions. Then you can have an ending in which her overconfidence actually pays off. As for the whom...

America Ferrera: Sure, she's not actually fat. Just Hispanic. You know, we're naturally shorter and stockier than anglo-whites most of the times. However, I trust America to do well with the role.

Join Me next time, as I try to put together a list of do's and don'ts.

It begins anew...

2011-07-18T08:02:00.000-07:00

"There will be weeping there, and gnashing of teeth, when you see ~~Abraham, Isaac and Jacob and all the prophets in the kingdom of God~~ Ultimate Marvel vs Capcom 3, but you yourselves ~~thrown out~~ bought the vanilla version."

They BETTER fuckin' be in.

M.U.G.E.N. vol 2 Colony Page 12

2011-07-16T13:58:00.000-07:00

Late adopter over here!

The Super Agents Sugar Ant and Fire Ant are back for another round!

In this page, a stuff is no longer fun...

Why Wonder Woman can can be good and you can like her for it part 2! A call to villainy!

2011-07-15T21:31:00.000-07:00

Prepare for Trouble!

Another common complaint is that Wonder Woman's enemies are lame and therefore she has nothing to go on in an adaptation. Which is a bit of a peeve for me.

Look, not every property out there getting adapted is full of iconic, fully fledged villains. Hell, some of the stuff adapted in the form of rogue vectors, or seditious pixels. While that's an extreme, you'lll notice those things do not stop those things from getting adapted. My opinion is, if you're adapting something stupid, you have nowhere to go but up. It's YOUR job to make it work.

So if Wonder Woman's enemies are laughable because one of them is a racist caricature slapped on a giant egg, and that's the villain you have to go with for some reason, you still should make the material engaging through writing, acting, directing, etc.

So I will put forth Wonder Woman's villains and explain how they could be used in the movie. I'm giving this to you for free, W.B., because I'm charitable when it comes to things crawling out of my head.

But, that's your leg-stump! That hurts!

The Cheetah:
There are 4 versions of the Cheetah. Rich Bitch. Nephew of Rich Bitch. Furry bitch. And Furry dude bitch.
While The Cheetah is Wonder Woman's most iconic villain, having a villain who is essentially all physical threat is troubling when your heroine is mostly a powerhouse. If given the choice, I would go with Priscilla Rich, the first Cheetah: A woman of wealth suffering from double identity issues. You can play an aspect of the story where she's Wonder Woman's friend sincerely, but the other side of her, the darker side, hates her. The Cheetah is secretly orchestrating the events of the movie behind the scenes, but Priscilla Rich is Wonder Woman or Diana's personal friend. And it all comes to a head in the climax where Wonder Woman learns her friend all along was the bad guy.

I'm like a bird: I always fly away!

The Silver Swan: There have been 3 Silver Swans, though sadly only 1 Blue Snowman. The least stupid ones, are women who are offered a chance at not being ugly in exchange for killing Wonder Woman, adopting the persona of Silver Swan, who can fly and shoot hurtfull music like Limp Bizkit strapped to a jetplane.

Swan would be visually cool, especially if Wonder Woman is the flightier, stronger type.

That armor is metal, and I don't mean the alloy it's made of.

Ares: Ares the God of War...hmm...On one hand, i already explained how much I didn't want it to become a Greek Mythology movie with Wonder Woman in it. On the other hand, Ares presents something interesting that actually ties in with one of the important themes of the character: Wonder Woman is on a mission of bringing peace to the world. However she is essentially a warrior, and must engage in violence at a moments notice. Ares is the God of War, and he grows stronger the more furious and angry people in the world are. It would probably lend itself to an interesting ending, where you have to defeat the villain, but the angrier you are, the stronger he is, and our heroine has to pull a "clear your mind" moment.

Grooooow, MY MONSTER, GROOOOW

Giganta: I don't know what Giganta is up to this days (actually, I do and it's stupid), but Giganta, a woman who can gro the size of a building, seems a bit like a physical only threat. But, boy oh, boy, what a threat that is. As much as I get angry at the idea of a whole film being given to Doomsday, I could see it being given to Giganta, because at least you gotta wonder how Wonder Woman will get out of it.

Is she really disfigured if she has no figure anymore?

Dr Cyber: Dr Cyber seems custom made to be a top villainess: Scary yellow Dr Doomish Mask, cloak and cape, big criminal organization with countless goons to punch, and plenty of technobabble. You get an actress with graavitas to voice, and it sells itself,really.

Veronica Cale: No. NO! Yeah, I know, you like it because you don't have to put money into creativity of creating costumes and amazing special effects. Just Lex Luthor with a vagina. Fuck that. Fuck it! Put villains in this, this shit isn't Catwoman! You want people to like it, don't put villains that are just people.

Bullshit. I see at least TWO sissies!

Villany Inc: While you would have to go against my previous suggestion of an origin story, starting with Villainy Inc, a Legion of Doom solely devoted to taking Wonder Woman down a peg, is, would allow you to use all those villains that aren't good enough to have the movie for themselves. Maybe you have a leader, who is like, the actual antagonist, and the others are sort of less important.All you need to know is The Blue Snowman, CyborgGirl, and others such hate Wonder Woman and want to take her down, while the leader is playing them all for chumpstresses.

The problem is, if you jump in at a point of the story where a Super villain team up makes sense, you are already selling a superhero world to the audience. Again, why I suggested to start at the beginning. Then again, I also suggested making an Anime.

These are just the ones I think potential. Like I said, maybe you can put a shitload of characterization on Eviless and make her like, really cool.

(Part 1)

Puerto Rico Welcomes Mrs Casey Anthony

2011-07-14T05:25:00.000-07:00

I have not been truly following the news on the case of lost little girl Caylee Anthony, or her accused, self styled presumed murderer Casey Anthony, alias Tot Mom. This is because, frankly I didn't NEED to follow it. You're switching channels in the last two years and you hover anywhere near CNN and all you are gonna hear is details on this case.

And now that the case is ended my opinion...doesn't matter. I think the jury made the right choice legally, even though it's clear she's hiding what really happened. But as I said, it doesn't matter. She's a free woman, guilty or not.

And now they're saying she's coming here, to Puerto Rico. And I want to be the first to say welcome. Welcome, Mrs Anthony to your dream island.

Right off the bat, I will warn you, if you don't like competition, don't come. We have our own notorious case of a child being murdered where the child's mother is most likely guilty or involved somehow. Still, other than, the scene is great. My country loves it's criminals.

First off, right after a crime where it's obvious who is the culprit, media rush in to the victim, or their family to ask if they forgive them. And you get lauded at if you demonstrate you can forgive the guy who killed your daughter. Our equivalent of Nancy Grace doesn't care about finding Kayley, she cares about if the parents have the strength and resolve to forgive a murderer who hasn't yet shown remorse. It's impressive, really.

We follow crime like we follow sports: Statistics. We count the murdered, and compare if it's a higher or lower amount than last year or if we beat the overall record.

And don't worry about any of us coming after you! Oh, no. We won't.Don't worry about those Facebook guys. They ain't gonna do jack squat. Every time a child dies in the crossfire between rival drug dealers, everyone gets so indignant and furious they...set up marches. Grieving parents are convinced that crime and overall negative behaviors are something you can protest away, while drug dealers who cause such things are revered as God-Like figures. They buy consciences with washing machines and bicycles, which you can use to wash your tear stained clothes once that child inevitably ends a drug addicted beggar, and ride to your dope-dealer son's extravagant funeral, respectively.

He's dead

So, you'll fit right in, Ms Anthony. The only thing is: don't leave anything outside, don't go anywhere at night, and don't have a fancy radio in your car because CRIME HERE IS CRAZY!