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A History of Puerto Rico for Gringos

The more-tax-obsessed-Encyclopedia!

I have not been able to post much because I have been scouting images for a educational film. The film regards the history of the United States, and the images had to be public domain. So no matter what I was searching for, the war o 1820, Benjamin Franklin, or Sputink, I came upon the same damn images over again. America, I don't want to look at your political cartoons anymore. I don't care if you think Obama is a mixture of Hitler, Stalin and Heath Ledger's Joker. I just want to find images of Eleanor Roosevelt talking!

Public Domain images of Eleanor Roosevelt. How's that feel, now?

But my contact with America's political viewpoints isn't all a waste of time. I came upon this site I had heard about Conservapedia. I don't know if that's supposed to mean "Serving Corporate interests" ipedia. Like I said, I'm fairly confused by my search.

Still, I wanted to see a conservative take on my homeland of Puerto Rico. I mean, surely there's something to say on our status, our history our...

No. It's a meager School Report length discussion that ends somewhere before Puerto Rico became a territory of the U.S.

This is unacceptable! Is the conservative idea of us that the last 100 years of our history didn't happen?

I'll give you a C if you work in the last century!

So, here's the lowdown on our history, BGEver style.

Spain was feeling pretty fine. It had just just kicked major Moor ass and reclaimed it's land after many decades. So they decided, "Hey, now that we're the world's largest superpower, let's start sending ships and shit over the ocean."

So they arrive at the island. And it's full of brown people and gold. But gold prospection is haaaaard, and besides, in Spain they have brown people to do that shit. So they killed two birds with one stone by enslaving the brown people to fish for gold. Preety sneaky, huh?

Spain! Without love! Spain! Can't get enough!

The natives played along because they totally thought they where dealing with the gods here. But after one of the gods failed at not being killed by them, it became clear some motherfuckers needed to be clubbed.

The Wars went on for a bit, with natives from other islands joining. But Spain had guns, and also had diseases the Natives weren't prepared for.

Most natives where killed, or had children with the Spaniards. Because, hey, if a green man showed up today, I bet all you ladies would be throwing panties at him.

He's a ladykiller. Seriously, ladies, get away from him.

So Spain took all the gold and all the hot bitches. But the Island was still good for growing veggies and for flipping the finger to the Dutch. But somebody had to harvest the crops and build the forts and that's booooooring. So they brought African slaves to do the hard part for them.

Spaniard. Just saying.

Eventually, all the hot Spaniard on native on African sex lead to a unique culture. This people came to be known as criollos.

The Criollos had a strained relationship with Spain, because they didn't care about them, like at all. Eventually, the locals brewed up a strike against the man, for freedom.

Then they died. They where being spied, they had their weapons intercepted. They had no chance, but I guess they would rather die than to hold up the revolution another day.

Eventually, Spain started giving concessions, and they even had a an autonomy granting bill in the works.

This is the part where you come in.

Apparently you had some beef with Spain because of Cuba or something. Or maybe needed to sell newspapers. Point is, the Hispanoamerican wars happened.

Remember those, Conservapedia? When the American Government went to war with Spain to liberate Cuba, and ended up with Puerto Rico as War bounty? Well, you can add that to the page about Puerto Rico.

Julien K and Linkin Park did the soundtrack?

So then there was the military government, then the guys that rebeled against that, and when you shot radiation into their dicks, when you tried to teach us english when our soldiers helped out in your asian War, and when they didn't want to fight defending rocks, and when your doctor gave our women cancer, and then you gave him a time magazine cover? Or the time some of our guys shot up your senate, or when they protested the military base?

And Puerto Rican people thought their salvation was at hand! Turns out it was just 50 plus years of unilateral government with prechosen leaders, then they instituted us as a 'Estado Libre Asociado' and we spent the next 50 years arguing over something we have no say in.

No, I am not bitter. But it's been 100 years, guys. Acknowledgment isn't too much to demand, right?

A History of Puerto Rico for Gringos

at 7:22 AM

The more-tax-obsessed-Encyclopedia!

Public Domain images of Eleanor Roosevelt. How's that feel, now?

I'll give you a C if you work in the last century!

Spain! Without love! Spain! Can't get enough!

The Thor controversy: How retarded should you get about it.

at 10:26 PM

I regret my involvement in the Million Machine March now...

See, everybody is throwing a fuzz over this group that feels that casting a black guy in the Thor film is an attack on their white Anglo-Saxon heritage. I'ma let you catch up on that.

And now you're thinking to yourself: " How much of my higher thought functions should I lose over this? Do I go into fight or flight mode or just start limply slapping myself? "Don't worry, old Batz is here for you. Full disclosure: look at my profile pic. That's it. Soak in the Rican-ness!

First off, not too much. The group itself, well, it's a recognized hate group, with roots going back to pro segregationists.What was everyone expecting from acknowledged racists? Lemon trees don't grow pears, no matter how many black men you lynch under them.

But what about their argument? Maybe they have a point. Maybe we should listen to them.

Well, I have some points to make as well, so let's take it up.

Argument: Marvel is clearly an anti-white, racist group.

Marvel has shown it's particularly interested in bringing in one color to theaters: green.

Marvel's has dabbled on both sides of the issue, and it's always been about money. If you think Marvel cast Idris Elba because it was pressured, it was: Pressure to bring in some of that "Urban demographic" alright.

This is Marvel's first African American characters. Apology accepted, jerks.

Apparently African Americans are more likely to see a film if it has black people, or so the logic of the marketing machine goes. And then the same applies to action figures, video-games, cartoons. And action figures like "That one black guy in the background who cheered for Thor" don't sell too well.

There is no social engineering involved. It's simply one of a multitude of changes made to the source material in order to make as much money as it can from multitudes of products it'll probably have. If you're gonna claim Marvel has secret society changing plans, at least go full crazy and say Marvel is run by Jews who are really shapeshifting reptiles from space.That's always fun to hear.

But you guys complain when they changed the Avatar, Dragonball, and Chun Li! Hypocrites!

First off: there is no "us guys". I always remained steadfast that aliens, and people of no real earth origin are okay to change. And Chun Li was at least half Asian, and I remained steadfast that half is enough. As long as the movies are good. Which, they, erm...weren't.

But comparisons to this are ridiculous.

See, look at the Thor poster.

See? Mostly black!

You see Hymendall in there? No?

Now try to find Chun Li, and the Last Airbender in these posters.

You may be amazed to find that the Thor Movie is about Thor, and the Avatar movie is about Aang, the last of the Airbenders.

This makes it completely different. Hiddenspell is a Thor SUPPORTING character, which means he'll probably talk to Thor some, help him out, and likely be dead by the end of it. Are there fans of Takeahyke who wanted to see a Thor movie badly just waiting for this one guy from Thor comics, and is it a dealbreaker for them when the guy is black? I mean, the movie seems to have successfully adapted a lot of the other Supporting cast.

Whereas Airbender cause a huge stink because they where apparently going out of their way to not cast Asian kids in the lead. And look, as much as I disagree with them, they have a point: It's not like they cast the best and brightest or the most famous. They casted assly after mostly rejecting minorities.

pro-minority groups like the ones involved don't consider "talks to the white guy about life, takes a bullet to the chest' a goal to strive for anymore. Why should pro-white groups do?

And besides, they totally did it. They changed those Asians to Whites, They even took, very real life Asians and made them Kevin Spacey, outrage or no. Can you not get the message? THEY DON'T CARE EITHER WAY! Shit is gonna get changed! Heimlichgal is now black! Prospero becomes Prospera! Jane Austen books now have zombies! Try and keep up!

But this is an attack on my heritage and/or belief system!

Then it was before they cast Hydrothunder. See, this movie is based not on the real Norse myths, but on Marvel's loose, loose adaptation of it. By the time got to the movies it had no chance.

For once, very few actual Norse are in this. I mean, if we're shooting for authentic Norse experience(and remember, we're actually shooting for licensing deals of underwear and toys) white guys from Australia, north America and England just won't do! And they speak in English, too!

I mean, I saw no one offended by this year's Clash of the Titans! And Greeks are, as the birthstones of Western civilization, essentially all our ancestors, if only in culture. But that was a remake of an old movie that itself was inaccurate, and so is this. Not that anyone gives a fuck as long as Russel Crow gets to stab shit with a gladius.

For God's sake, the Norse gods in this movie are multidimensional aliens wearing strange armor and pants! Is there any doubt this isn't a rune brought to life? I hope you guys don't stay awake at night wondering why people say your main gripe is derived from racial prejudice!

Look, do get it. We're nerds. You want it to be exactly like the comic/cartoon/game/book, because you're invested in it. And whether it is faux Shakespearean techno vikings or fratricide, transforming robots, you care about it transitioning intact into the movie fold. And just because I'm open to Rosario Dawson playing Lois Lane doesn't mean I'm not gonna watch it if she's cast white.

But this group behind the site is not run by fans. They don't care about the integrity of the source material or anything. They are just plain racists masquerading behind the accuracy facade to spit venom. I can tell the difference between real indignation and feigned indignation.

So in essence, get retarded. Because tomorrow this ridiculousness will join in a long line of stupid controversies we let live for a little bit, then ignored into oblivion once we had our fun.