Scolding reviews-X-Men Anime's 1-3 at 5:00 PM

'は、フロント、真の信者の顔！

For the record, I love X-Men because of the cartoon. I don't go to comics shops that often and when I do, I usually don't buy X-Men? Wanna know why? Because everytime I open an X-Book to see what is going on, I just don't know what's going on. I'm like "what's this one about, it's got a cool cover. What? Gambit is blind? Rogue lost her powers? Jubilee is  a vampire? Rogue controls her powers? Shatterstar is gay? Who the fuck is Shatterstar? Why is Xavier walking? The Danger room has tits?"

At least Ultimate X-Men streamlined and simp...Why is Wolverine Cable?

I guess for people who can afford to keep up with the stories this changes can provide dramatic buildup but for a guy like me who can't, it's a smattering of the familiar battered with strange goings on.

So I'm happy to say the first 3 episodes  of X-Men Anime series are mostly base X-Men, without any excursions into the thick layers of canon fat that make up the books.

Episode 1 opens to Phoenix kicking the X-Men's ass. Just that.They don't even delve on the Phoenix force. Can't say I blame them. It's Phoenix guys. We KNOW already.

Yeah, it's Monday allright.

Each character does a showcase of their powers, which is great for people who don't know what "Waruverinu" is. Then Cyclops starts crying. Some excepts from his script.

"Cyclops: JIIIIIIN!"

"Cyclops: JIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIN!"

"Cyclops: JIIIIiiiiiiIIIIIIIIIIIIiiiIIIIIIIIIIIIINNNNnnnNNN!"

Jean has enough of Scott wearing her name out and telekineticaly raises him and messes up his suit. A mental projection shows Scott a more lucid Jean and behind him... a mysterious pair of breasts woman.

Then Jean dies.

Nobody gets a day off if Jean Grey dies.

Cut to a year later, where Xavier reminds us what X-Men are, what they do and all that shit. And he also informs us that the X-Men are disbanded, but will be rebanded soon enough for a very special case. Each of the core cast members are reintroduced as of their solo career before being called into action.Wolverine is stupidly trying to get through the airport but can't make it past the TSA checkpoint in a gag he should know  about by now,  Storm is taking a cruise ship and killing the hell out of pirates and Beast is giving a lecture. In an awesome moment, Beast shows that he has given a squid human intelligence, and  leaves him teaching in his place. I begrudge a bit that there is no ethical discussions on  giving fuckin' seafood human intelligence then leaving him to do your work for you, but dammit, I wish Prof. Devilfish was an actual character in X-Men.

Is he accredited?

Scott, however, never moved on. Literally. He's still at ground Zero of where Jean died, and even Wolverine quips him on it. Yes, Wolverine quips Cyclops in this a lot.

The episode ends with the group going to Japan and Cyclopes coming out of his marasmo to join them in a misson to look for a missing mutant girl in Japan.

Ep 2 opens up with the secret underground lair of THE U-MEN! The U-Men are Human supremacists, including A creepy man wired with electronics and The Grandpa from Boondocks by way of Deadshot and a bunch of overly eager robots with skulls for faces. Apparently they are behind the disappearance of young Mutants in the region. The X-Men interview the girl's parents until a neighbor informs them that their son, too, is missing. The X-Men head out and find that it was on their Hummer and motorcycles when an ambush occurs and robots attack.

The X-Men respond the way they usually respond: By shooting lasers and missiles out of their vehicles. I mean, wouldn't you? Storm tries using her powers but becomes ridiculously fatigued. She didn't get fatigued earlier when she froze a boat filled with pirates, but I guess it's the plot somehow. 

Cyclops is a reckless jerk and has to be saved by Wolverine. What? Wolverine is supposed to be...and Cyclops is...GRR! I think the Japanese got it all confused. I think that's why this series seems to star Cyclops and not Wolverine.

He don't even care a lot about Jean!

Eventually our heroes find the evil lair and the gruesome experiments the U-Men have done, including mutating the hell out of a...Mutant. Hmm. In either case, this mutant mutant mutates the X-Men's ass into his foot's resting place while Cyclops tries to convince the mutant he had good in him. You suck at that, Cykes. Stick to eyeblasting the hell out of things. After Beast uses his machine to determine he can't be demutated, Cyclops reluctantly agrees to put him down in a humaneEYELAZORRRR!

Even when THE GUY HIMSELF thanks him for the mercy kill, Cyclopse still has to cry and moan about it. Getoveritgetovertgetoverit!


Eventually, the team makes their way to the experimental chamber, in which the young mutant they where looking for is in a pod. Also in a pod? Helena, from Dead or Alive! Dun, dun DUUUN!

In the next episode, we find out She's actually Emma frost, a member of the Inner Circle, and the woman who Cyclops saw behind Jean in his vision. So no X-Treme Volleyball or complex power schemes from her. She's also an animal enthusiast, because she has some healthy puppies on her at all times.

Seriously, the escalation in chest sizes in this series is crazy, and I don't know if they can top this. I hope they try. This is what happens when Japanese add their own exaggerated views of white women's breasts and add it to American comics perception of what normal breasts are, and then they go : "Oh, but this character's supposed to have BIG Breasts".

Music Inspired by.

Cyclopse and Wolverine alternate between who's gonna kill her and who's not so sure if they should kill her. But once they get her out of the pod, she denies any involvement with Jean going crazy.

Then they let the girl out. Her name is Hisako Ichiki, known in the comics as Armor. You know, X-Men always have this young girls who serve as the audience's eyes to the strange world of the X-Men, and Armor is no different, as she does exactly what I would want to do in this situation.

She was there for more than  30 seconds. I cut from this.

We do know that, I think.

I think I hurt my pants.

In any case, they put off the execution of Emma Frost and try to head out, but Creepy guy in tubes attack! At first he's somewhat of a person, but then he starts yelling "organs" like he's a zombie that'll settle for anything really. Suddenly Armor 's mutant power activates and she beats the guy up. Then she goes on a rampage because she can't control her powers. And Cyclopse finally does the thing where you talk to someone out of his/er rampage. Took you long enough.

So they take Hisako back to her home, much to the delight of her parents. Looks like it's all wrapped up with... LOOK OUT!

And this is regarding?

Will the X-Men, Emma Furostu, and Hisako survive this assault? Tune in, same X-Hour, Same X-Channel!


It's a cool little series. I'm hoping now that the "setting up characters and situation" part of it is over, we can we can get some advancement on the plot. Also, maybe it won't be like Iron-Man and more characters from the comics will show up. The scroll in the ending shows Mistique, Juggernaut and...

Stryfe, Cable's clone. Damn.

Damn!