Scolding Review: A Goat's Story at 3:47 PM

WHAT LEGENDS! WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?

Sometimes it's hard to know if a foreign film is awful. Sure, awful is relative, but that's exactly the problem. How do you know if something is kinda great in it's home country that, outside of it is just kind of retarded, meanspirited, and vomitous?


For example, here's a Czech movie about a spurned goat who longs only to be loved like a woman by her owner. Maybe that kind of narrative is acceptable over there. Maybe it's a dark comedy. Or maybe it's just a fuck awful CG crapfest made by some goatfuckers. YOU be the judge.

The film starts with an exaltation of the Clocktower of Prague, and then goes to show you how it all started. With images like this.

It's not. But it COULD  be.

NOT HUMAN!

You know, I ain't no expert in worldwide landmarks, but obviously I take it these distorted monsterbeasts built this Cathedral as beautiful as possible to have something nice to look at and forget the fact they look like a literal poor man's Toy Story.

Our lead is this guy LEAD, who just arrived in Prague to  find a job with his goat Goat. Prague is super awful and it and everyone in it sucks, and they're all trying to poach each other or ruin each other or milk each other. That's not my opinion as an Internet blogger, that's kind of what the movie's trying to go for. It seems to be attempting to do some kind of commentary,  you know, with the Church guy say gluttony is bad, while actually being a glutton, and so and so.

The least bland he ever is.

So we've also got this guys who are actually trying to get the cathedral built, including Merlin, and his assistant.

Or maybe he's a hobo. I watched this damn thing in Spanish and I STILL had not idea wft was going on.

At first, Things aren't going so hot for LEAD, until he meets a beautiful...

OH NO

...He meets a pretty...

YOU CAN'T

...He meets a Nintendo 64 tech demo for jiggle physics. Holy christ!

Ok, let's talk about giant breasts. We all love breasts*. And we like those breasts being gigantic. Yes we do. The bigger the better...is what we think until we see things like this.

Now, you may think, "But what about the giant breasts in such classics as Jessica Rabbit, Powergirl, and the Dead or Alive  series? Well, it's not just size, it's presentation. Here's a chart explaining it.

With that out of the way, now we enter the core of our plot: Goat is in love with Lead. She wants him, sexually. if you think I'm just exaggerating for comedic effects, here's them sleeping together.

Here they are, sleeping together.

Add caption

Here's when the goat tried to dress up as a woman to impress Lead.

Played for serious, guys. Not even kidding on that one.

Here's when the Goat catches Lead and the Girl sleeping together.

Oh, yeah, if you thought that there wasn't gonna be a  sex scene in this movie just because the cover makes it look like they put horns on Shrek's Donkey, you where wrong, wrong, wrong.


So Merlin's apprentice makes a deal with Satan after  being put in the gallows, and Merlin hires Lead to replace him as statue maker. He does very well with this. Meanwhile, the Goat gets drunk in the bar and sees Satan.

I assume everyone making this movie can relate to Satan being an ever present tangible fact of life.

But then the corrupt authorities start showing off, and some Chinamen** show up to ask Merlin to build THEM a clocktower. The authorities won't be having none of that, and  blind, torture, and fatally wound Merlin. The Pretty girl takes him to "see" the tower from the inside before he finally dies, which is just enough for her to look like she did the deed.

So now our lead is forced to finish the clocktower, lest our buxom girl gets killed. For extra good taste, there's a scene  where she's visited by the executioner, and covers her breasts, implying some rape.

Well, "covers" and "Breasts"

But not, she's just gonna get her neck measured. Haha! Good one, Goat's Story.

Eventually, Goat sees how the love of Lead's life is going to be murdered soon, and sees it as a chance to  finally make her move on Lead by dressing as a woman, with hay for a hair and melons for breasts, and  just ashamedly goes to Lead. And they hug and stuff. It's super dramatic, and what the fuck!

As they're leading  the girl to have her neck altered, the apprentice who  made his deal with Satan, and some kids, all crash into the cart, which rolls downhill.

Goat, then makes the hard choice. At the height of the deadline for the hanging of Pretty Girl, she trades places with the bag over-headed girl, and is hanged. Our Lead finishes the clocktower, but far too late.

Wow. I would say this is strong imagery for a children's cartoon about a funny goat, but with the drinking, sex, political, and deals with Satan and social satire, it's clear this movie is not for children and would not betray it's idea that, at the end, the goat that just wanted to be loved gave it all for.

Seriously, don't show this to kids. Or adults. Or...goats.

Who am I kidding? The goat lives. Innexplicably. I mean, I've never hung a goat. Maybe they're immune to that?

So that's the story about the world famous Prague clockwork. It was engineered by idiots, goatfuckers, corrupt overzelous authorities and overblown sexdolls. Way to export your history, Czech republic!

So what is there to say about this movie. Well, it seems to be going for social satire, but it's handled with all the care of a goat in a china shop. The main plot  of the Goat that wants to fuck a man is seemingly an excuse to draw you into the awful, awful world this movie's built which is always morally ugly, and never esthetically beautiful. "Come for the dramatic bestialism, stay for the visuals of a terrible, caca caked world.¨

Or maybe this only makes sense in Czech republic, I don't know.


* "But I don't love breasts!" Good for you. What do you want, recognition in my sentences? Get out. GET OUT!

** No. Not Chinese people. THIS is Chinese people. If THIS isn't a chinaman, what the fuck do I call it?