Space Jam 2 is a no win situation at 5:59 AM

Okay, Bugs, refference Monica Lewinsky while you, Lola drive a Miata into MC Hammer's repossesed home. I'll listen to some Natalie Umbruglia and you Michael, you...you're fine.

I always stand to say that adapting something that's not good is no excuse for your version to not be good. While the veritable infestation of  sequels, remake, prequels and adaptations is nothing short of Hollywood just not being willing to take a risk, that doesn't excuse poor output. If the material is intellectually lightweight or down right godawful, that only gives room for those with skill and love of the craft to swim against the tide and provide us something worthy.

An adaptation of Starship Troopers basically running the premise of the book backwards is always going to be an easier order than a shot by shot remake of Psycho.
With that said, Space Jam 2. It's talked about, it's rumored, Lebron James is rumored to star in it.  Now the real question is, can you really ruin Space Jam?

Maybe he's gonna play the villain here?

You see, Space Jam is a pretty unique thing, and I don't mean that as praise. We get cynical now when they annonce an Asteroids or Emoji movie, things that get suggested and announced but for whatever cause reason prevails and it never happen, but Space Jam is the adaptation of a  Shoe commercial, tying in the life of then world's greatest Basketball star Michael Jordan.  And apparently nobody groaned enough, because it not only existed, but it made some money.

So in a world where rehashing is the safe route to money and nostalgia runs rampant, it's a no brainer to remake something that is both fondly remembered and made money. But here's the thing, it's not as safe as it seems.

You see, when Space Jam came to be, things where different. Michael Jordan was a household name, and summer movies where not  all CGI action adaptations of  comics and Cartoons. Space Jam 2 won't be competing with The Mirror has Two Faces and The English Patient or whatever. It'll be competing with a Yet another Batman movie  and another Marvel movie. Does this really have enough nostalgia fuel to battle that?


But what about the story? What about it? Look, even if you look upon the movie fondly,  do me a favor, and tell me what elements of "Basketball Star goes  to play Basketball with 1940's cartoon characters against  evil aliens" bear repeating.  Do you really want to see what the writers had to come up to get Lebron James playing B-Ball against Witch Hazel?

Do they retread on the first movie and have Space Jerk Danny Devito send even more goons to try to out-hoop the Toons? Do they make a new set of circumstances that would get a Basketball Celebrity into a court with them?

We want more?

Basically this has a pretty good chance of being just as bad as Looney Toons Back in Action, with the added crap bonus that some people actually expect this to be good on account of nostalgia. All you'd have to do to make a better movie than Space Jam is make something not so...Space Jammy. There is no formula to replicate, there is no actual THING to be brought back from the movie, unless you can somehow bring  Michael Jordan and Bill Murray and it's all winding up to be dissapointment.

And the thing is, we don't have the right to be dissapointed by Space Jam 2. Unlike the first Jam, we'll all be aware of who's directing it, writting it cameoing in it and how dissapointing it is before the thing hits the ground. You can't hide behind our love for Sports Stars or Cartoons anymore, Space Jam.
But still, I look forward to all our dissections of this illfated attempt.

Bound to be more fun than the film itself.

Charlse Barkley's Shut Up and Act.

Easter Egg-Man at 4:52 AM

Add caption

Nothing Ever Changes at 6:45 AM

Fighting Female July: Catfight Strategy Guide at 8:54 AM

PPPFFFFFFT!

You're a moron.

You're a moron because you saw an article titled "Catfight Strategy Guide" and you decided it might be worth your time. Everybody knows this game sucks, but to truly play it...for what end? To get your rocks off? If you must do that with a fighting game, go get Dead or Alive, Strip Fighter 4 or 2 Soul Calibur. Just not this one. If you want to play a good fighting game, there's plenty. If you want to play a mediocre or sucky fighting game, there's plenty of that too. You don't NEED Catfight in your life.

And yes, I will detail within the details  of how to play Catfight and not dwell in it's legendary suckyness TOO MUCH.  But unless your a blogger who has some kind of thing with writing about Women in Fighting Games, I suggest you go back to Google and search for anything else. Maybe a cure for insomnia, or the lyrics to that one Matchbox 20 song.

Now mind you, there is yet another game called Catfight. That one is on Playstation 2, which I won't have. If you want to know about that one, well, I accept your donations, send me a Playstation so that I can rock the nation while mocking sexy asians.

Basics


Unless you can get your joystick to work(and I couldn't!) you will be working with the arrows for movement. Z and X are your punch buttons, and C and V are your kicks. A,  S and D    are a shortcut to the special moves, and F are the shortcut to the "Supermoves". Or so I'm told. I haven't ever done one in this game withouth the buttons.

There is no holding of the button, okay? You hold low punch, you keep punching   like you on turbo, okay? Ditto for every attack.

Special Moves


Special moves also drain meter, but you probably won't be runing out of them in this game.

Combos
Yes, I'd like a #2, change the soda for fruit punch. What, in this game? Hahahaha. Go fuck yourself.

Supermoves

The Super moves in this game are different from other games. You have a sort of stamina bar that gets depleted when you pull a Super or special. You cannot repeat the Super unless you're Super Meter returns to maximum.

Blocking
You block by backing away. Try it in real life in relation to this game. Even if you don't block, the game is sure to not follow you!

Finishing moves


But hitting the opponent with  a super for a last move, the character will be killed in not so spectacular fashion.

Modes

Tournament

Win(Or lose! This game is stupid like that!) until you get to the end boss. You get one (1) picture with text describing whatever your character gets for winning!

Vs

Now, If you want to destroy yourself with this game it's fine, but don't you dare bring someone else into your sick world. Do you even have the two joysticks the game forces you to have in order to play versus? What, you can get them? Fuck you!

Watch

Definitively one of the better modes. I mean, the game is almost not a chronic insult to the human psyche if you're not trying to play it at all. Unlike other games with this option, though, you cannot choose who will fight and on what grounds.

Options

Pfft. Like THAT's gonna make this more enjoyable. You can choose between two difficulties, one of which makes the opponent not fight at all.

You can choose between, normal sound, offsound, and catsounds. But offsound doesn't do anything, so...

Controls, you have keyboard, Joystick and a third thing I don't understand. If you choose joystick you are expected to calibrate 2 characters.

You can choose between speeds Normal, Turbo and Slow Mo. You tell me if it works, mine's stuck on Turbo.

Character Strategy



Let's get down to the nitty gritty. Back in the day, you used to have to looks at strategy guides to know your characters moves and strategies. In this one, you'd have to do it to know their fricking names.


Name Pyriss
Place of Origin
Hel?
Backstory
She's  some bitch who shoots fire.
Fun Facts

Special Moves
A Firestorm
Dashes across the Screen.
S Inferno

She shoots black fireballs. They do a fair amount of damage


D Unnamed Uppercut A tried ant true and glitchy Shoryuken.

Supermove
Super Firestorm: same as  Firestorm,It does shitty damage. Not so super.
Finishing moves
Be Diamonds: The opponent blows up into diamonds. Hey, it happens mostly offscreen, so who knows.


Name
Crystal
Place of Origin
From her ending it is implicit she's an extraterrestrial.
Backstory
She just wants to make things clear.
Fun Facts
At one point her finisher just wouldn't fucking work. I assumed she had none.
Special Moves
A)Slicer Kick: A fairly damaging glowey kick

S Slicer: A crescent Moon shaped projectiles


D Dive Kick: She jumps into the air and  dives the opponent

Supermove
Super Slicer Kick: A very broken version of Slicer Kick. Two or 3 of these and it's adios, enemigos.
Finishing moves
Guts slicer: Her opponents guts all come out.


Name
Jennifer
Place of Origin
Hollywood
Backstory
She's  some bitch who shoots lightening.
Fun Facts

Special Moves
A HyperShock: A screencrossing beam of electricity

S Hypershock Low
Lightening travels along the ground

D Twirl Uppercut Uppercut A tried ant true and glitchy Shoryuken.

Supermove = Super Twirl Uppercut You kinda follow along now.
Finishing moves.
HeadKnock: The opponents heads is knockeds off they bodies.




Name
Lucinda
Place of Origin
The Badguys
Backstory
She's  some bitch who Uses wrist-blades.
Fun Facts

Special Moves
A Venom Drill: Just like Wolverine's Drill Claw. But your not playing those games now, stupid idiot.

S Venom Sting
It's the divekick, allright? It's just that it's no longer a kick

D Venom Uppercut
 A tried ant true and glitchy Shoryuken.

Supermove = Super Venom Sting: A Venom Sting that ends in an Uppercut
Finishing moves.
Venom Decimation: The opponent superdies into bones and stuff.



Name
Bass
Place of Origin
Cybertron
Backstory
She's  some bitch who Uses Sound Waves
Fun Facts

Special Moves
A Great Wave: A diagonal abstract-description-of-sound attack.

S HyperWave
Same, but now fully forward

D Fear Magnet
 It's a little glowey thing that doesn't go anywhere

Supermove = Super Wave She crosses the screen to hit you with a punchwave.
Finishing moves.

Bring the Bass: The opponent superdies into bones and stuff.

Name
Kimala
Place of Origin
Mexico?
Backstory
She's  some bitch who Uses Scythes
Fun Facts


Special Moves
A  Beerseker Klaws: She dashes most of the screen, attacking with her scythes
S Skulls Out
She shoots a skull from...her skull

D Tellyport Appear behind the enemy

Supermove = Super Beerseker Klaws THis one does cross the entire screen
Finishing moves.
Deep Within: The Opponents guts all come out.

Name
Chae Lee
Place of Origin
Korea
Backstory
She's  some bitch who Uses Ninja Shit
Fun Facts
The Actress playing this character, Kaitlin Zamar was in Mortal Kombat 2 as Kitana/Mileena/Jade.
This is possibly the worst character in all the game.
Special Moves
A  Teleport: It ports you behind the enemy
S Fireball: It's a fireball. Don't do it to close, because it has a tendency to miss the enemy completely.


D Uppercut : Yet another uppercut
Supermove = Super Beerseker Klaws THis one does cross the entire screen
Finishing moves.
Ninja Slice: The Opponents guts all come out.



Name


Thermia
Place of Origin
An Ice Place. Hehehe.
Backstory
She's  some bitch who Uses Ice Shit.
Fun Facts

Special Moves
A Freeze Breath: Temporarilly encapsulates opponents in ice. No, it's not as practical as  you'd think. 
S Ice Spike: A flying projectile made from Ice.

D Tornado Kick: It's an upwards then downwards variation in the old Tatsumaki Sempukyaku
Supermove = Super Tornado Kick: It's a same place staying variant on the old Tatsumaki Sempukyaku.
Finishing moves.
Footie Head: The opponents head flies away.

Name
Sara
Place of Origin
Greece?
Backstory
She's  some bitch who Uses Her huge, oily guns.
Fun Facts
Her actress is actually called Sara. No, it's too late to say they wern't even trying.
Special Moves
A Power Crush: A Grab, I think.
S Power Blah: An empowered punch.

D NOTHING AT ALL: She yells Power Blah and runs out your meter, though.
Supermove = Mighty Face Punches: She lunges forward and punches.
Finishing moves.
Knocking of the block: Her opponent's head falls off.
Name


Phantasma
Place of Origin
A Haloween Party
Backstory
She's  some bitch whu uses claws.
Fun Facts

Special Moves
A Monster Dash: She lunges towars her upponent
S Rolling Buckler: Haha, made you look! She rolls along the ground

D Upwards roll: She rolls diagonally.
Supermove = Demon Roll: See: MOnster Dash, Super.
Finishing moves.
Killer Night: Her opponent blows up

Final Boss Strategy

Shinma:

Okay, so you made some choices in your life that lead you to  having to beat Catfight. Now you are before the final boss, some Kiss looking freak. If you lose to her once, you have to go back to the start of things, just like Street Fighter Alpha 3. Hey, that game was pretty sweet. Go play that, instead.

First of all you will notice she spams powerful beams that knock you back. If your game is super sped like mine is, this might seem like an unwinnable boss. Here's what you're gonna do: Crouch.
If you crouch, all her attacks go right over you. You are mostly safe, if you keep blocking. Now, she will slowly aproach you with her deadly ray beam cieling, but that's okay. Hold...any attack really, and Shinma will just keep walking into it until she's almost out of health.

If I didn't mention it, I will now, that her health  keeps growing. But what's worse, the only way to beat her is to use a supermove on her and kill her. As her health approaches dangerously low levels, get up and use  the supermove. It might take some tries, but she'll go down.

Once you figure that out, the boss fight goes from stupid hard to stupid easy. Now you can see the endings. However, I specifically put them in this article so you WON'T have to do that, like I did.

Final thoughts
So that was Catfight. Hopefully this will give some closure to your hunt for answers about this game. But...
did you know they remade the notoriously bad Custer's Revenge?
Did you know that they remade Strip Fighter?
Well... I think it's time we took a long, snarky look at Catfight. It's time, baby.