So it's come to this: A Remake of Birth of a Nation at 1:48 PM

Look, I understand that being a movie studio nowadays is hard. You got China up your ass, you've got pirates helping you constantly break attendance record bleeding you out of your proceeds, and you've got games and Internet giving people more value than a Blu Ray can possibly deliver, at way better prices.

So I am not surprised that movies have stuck to what worked in the past to try and put butts in seats. Did you know that most of the movies nowadays are based on books, games, cartoons, and other movies? Unlike the golden age, where originality reigned supreme and most movies where based just on books.

We've almost become numb to it. Who can blame us? Every other day a new stupid remake or adaptation is announced, and you really can't go any lower than Peeps and Emoji.

However, there's some things you just don't do Some movies are should not be remade. We draw the line here. Here at remaking Birth of a Nation.

The classic zombie film by DW Griffith has apparently begun filming, with it being released either this year or it's already out, hell if I know. You already know it's all going downhill when you have Edward Zwick the director of The Last Samurai and Blood Diamond attached. I mean, what sort of fit is the guy for the material.

But from the looks of it, they might as well have gotten Michael Bay, because this movie throws out everything anyone knew about Birth of a Nation, to tell us a story that practically has nothing to do with it, about slaves revolting against their masters.

So it's basically Birth of a Nation In Name Only as they threw out the heart of the old movie, and replaced it with whatever kids nowadays would like to see: slaves fighting for their freedom. Who wrote this , Justin Marks?

After all these years of waiting for a sequel to the 1915 original with the surviving cast in place, fans will probably be disappointed to know none of them make a return, and that this is just a quick cash grab on the franchise. Hell, the effects of the original still hold up, while the current one's lazy use of computer filters and actual African Americans make it feel as hollow as it actually is.

Art from Adversity.

High tech drivel.

The original as pretty well recieved overall. It was a fun film. This one is all dark and gloom. Enough of these ultra serious films! Are you allergic to charm and joy, Hollywood?

I mean, I assume. I haven't seen either and don't know what Birth of a Nation is about. But I'm hoping this will prompt Hollywood to learn it's lesson, and stop remaking films that are already perfectly fine.

Best Geek Ever is against P.R.O.M.E.S.A. at 9:15 PM

Yeah, boy! Trample them liberties!

Hello. I am Gabriel Ramirez, also called Batzarro. I run a small blog

called Bestgeekeverpr.blogspot.com . I am a Puerto Rican, I live in Puerto

Rico, and I stand for Puerto Rico.

For those of you that don't know, congress and President Obama are just

about to sign act HR 4900 known as P.R.O.M.E.S.A., which would establish a

Fiscal Control Board over the America owned territory of Puerto Rico. This

as a result of the crushing debt our small island has racked up in over 30

years of bad administration after bad administration.

Our relationship with the U.S. has never been one of equals. After we were

taken in as war booty in the Spanish American Wars we spent decades under

military occupation.

And look, frankly sometimes the stuff you do gives us cancer.

Later, the Island was declared an Estado Libre Asociado, or free

associated state.  The only true part about that title is that we were

associated, because we are not a state on any definition of the word, and all our laws can be revoked by

congress, under which we remain.

So, when we run into a huge fiscal crisis created by our lack of self

governance, you would expect this very congress to step in. Or step up.

But instead they step on. On us.

So here's the plan the Subcomitee For Natural Resources came up with. You

heard right, the enormous fiscal and political crisis we face was

spearheaded by a Natural Resources group. This isn't a goddamn oil spill!

Were was I? Yes, the plan. So they will establish a board that will be

making all the financial decisions from now on. This board will be mostly

handpicked by the President, it will not answer to the people of Puerto

Rico at all, they are completely unaccountable for anything that happens,

and they can freely recieve gifts. They will have the power to overturn

laws, create laws, and arrest anyone who refuses to cooperate with their

making of said laws. And they can do all that secretly and behind closed doors because why tha fack nat?

Now, let's take this point by point.

* Having an unnacountable board have this much power is bad. It's kind of

the opposite of democracy. It's like a dictatorship, or rather since this

is a board created by a foreign dignitary, a colony.

* To give an unnacountable group this much power could lead to ridiculous

ammounts of corruption. I mean, legally, I could go to the FCB members and

 tell them to sell me half  the island in exchange for  a box of

tangerines, and they would face no risk. They'd have to be kind of

incredibly good or incredibly dumb NOT to start accepting bribes openly.

Also, quick reminder, THIS guy may soon be the one naming such said authoritarian group.

*It's highly troubling that this group doesn't take any responsibility for

 what they do. The actions of this group could lead to loss of life,

liberty and material goods. Actions of austerity are what lead to the town

of Flint getting poisoned with lead. And this isn't a small town we're

talking about. 3.5 million people live here!

In fact, in theory, these assholes could make our debt worst, and run off

laughing, and we'd be left holding the broken pieces.

* The plan to reduce the minimum wage is heart rending, and the fact that this was put in as if this was an obvious economy boosting title makes me want to hang myself. To put this

on perspective, I tried to buy the materials for a breakfast with the

proposed minimum wage.

 And for the record , this minimum wage doesn't

count what they take away for taxes and social security.

You expect young people to live off of this crap? I mean, I couldn't

afford housing with full time minimum wage, what the hell are people with

part time minimum wage gonna do?

P.R.O.M.E.S.A. is a sham, but congress is pretty proud that they can do us

this "help"  without spending any taxpayer money.  After all it would be a

real tragedy to use your taxes to help millions of fellow Americans, some

of whom fought and died side by side with you on your wars.

The problem with Puerto Rico is not a spending problem. Our local

governments spent and borrowed unwisely, but that didn't cause the

problem. The problem is the backbone of our economy was taken away by a

congress, which now happily attempts to find the literal least they

could do.

So why am I telling you this? To guilt trip you or make you feel bad? No.

I'm telling you because there is still time to stop it. P.R.O.M.E.S.A is

going to the senate, and you can  still  call your senators and ask them

to stop it. We Puerto Ricans don't have any representation on the senate,

because if we did, I wouldn't have to write this kind of thing, but with

your help we can  turn things around.

We have to do something about the enormous debt we have. But it has to be

a good something. We can't afford to half ass and penny pinch our way to a

solution that has been building up for 100 years. You don't want to rush

up a bad idea, and end up bemoaning that "well, we had to do something.

Call or write your local senator and tell them to call off P.R.O.M.E.S.A.,

to help us restructure our debt, and to allow us to manage our economy.

That's all we want. We don't want to not pay the debt. We just want to pay

it at a reasonable pace, and without selling basic services and historicaly

 and environmentally valuable landmarks to hedge funds. Without putting our children through the fire for a debt they did not accrue.

We only ask that you try.

Why HERO Turtles The Next Mutation is Good and you can like it: Episode 1 at 8:56 PM

I hear you Brit's aren't fond of transparency either...

Cartoons of the eighties get a bad rap. Even the era's greatest successes are often dispatched as 30 minute toy commercials, cold product cranked out by factories, committees and boring bald guys.

While it is true that the intent behind these animated tv shows was highly mercenary, when we say that we are selling them a little short. There is an art to crafting something that continues to be remembered  well to the future. For every Transformers and GI Joe that is now a fixture in pop culture to this very day, there were hundreds of Dinosaucers and Insectaurs who just skidded in the start line and never even got going.

I REEEMEEEEMBEEEER

So while yes, Teenage Mutant HERO Turtles, the animated adaptation of a popular indie comic, was not exactly Miyazaki shit or anything, there HAS to have been something more to it that we're now on the 3rd  season of it's 3rd reboot, and on it's second movie of it's 3rd movie continuity. How many reboots has T Rex and  Mummies Alive had? Exactly.

While strong commercial appeal is an obvious element, I hypothesize that malleability of the core concept is the core reason. Mutant HERO Turtles is a pretty silly idea, but in a few decades it's taken a stroll across the gamut of tones a story can be told in and came out winning fans every time.

Or rather, almost every time.

For you see, there is a version of TMNT that nobody lvoes. It is often considered THE WORST version. When the guys who made the franchise and watched it be used to hawk everything from macaroni to bedsheets  consider this the point of shame, that's how you know you did wrong.

But is it really that bad?  Out of sheer curiosity, decided to give it watch on the old Youtube once over. Thanks to user Oser Baya for having uploaded the episode. It's thanks to guys like him that Nickelodeon executives go hungry every night. That's how copyright works, right?

But first, a little bit of history. By 1997 the original TMNT cartoon had been off the air 1 year after a highly successful 8 season run. The popularity and toy aisle  space the show  had had been usurped by The Mighty Morphing Power Rangers Franchise, a Japanese sentai show that merely replaced all the Japanese actors with American ones while keeping all the scenes where people wore helmets to pretend they were under them produced by Saban.

Saban's success allowed them to do various lesser known attempts to replicate the Ranger's  success, but getting lightening to strike twice proved futile. So they turned their attention to their vanquished foe, and aquired the license to TMNT.

With what they had learned of martial arts children entertainment surely they would find success, right? Well...no, not exactly.

The show was HERO Turtles: The Next Mutation. Or as it was known in the version I didn't watch,  N***a Turtles : The Next Mutation. They couldn't say  N***a because it's slang for vagina over in the United Kingdom [citation needed]. This is why I'm making this a Euro-safe version of this article, replacing every  N***a with Hero.

So I have decided to tackle the series' first 5 episode arc, East Meets West, hoping to see if the show's bad reputation is earned or unearned.

And you will experience it as I did, in all it's croppy, blurry glory.

The show starts with a stereotypical  Chinese Master who trying to hold back evil from a mirror, a long with his assistant, a female in a brown robe. Now, if you know anything about this show, this isn't exactly a great mystery, but it might take you for surprise if you..don't watch the intro immediately after...

Oh, yeah, the intro. You know, there is a lot of pressure to live up to TMNT's classic intro. And this one was basically the first one to try it, and ends up pretty bad in the list overall. It might be the worst. Here's your lyrics.

Four green turtles! Heard the news?
Changed to mutants by an ooze!
Found on the floor and raised by a rat!
Now they're HEROES. How 'bout that?
Check it out! Another one found!
Made her way to Chinatown!
With the rest, yeah, that makes five!
HERO Turtles, now they're live!
Na-na-na-na-HERO, HERO, HERO Turtles!
Na-na-na-na-HERO, HERO, HERO Turtles!
Yeah.

Basically, they outline the story to the characters in the worst way possible. Like, every other version tries to present the idea as an awesome one. This one it literally goes "how bout that" like it just found out it's pitbull is pregnant.




 Then comes the basic barebones characterization every fan knows and loves: Raph is angry for no given reason. They just walk you in on Leo and Raph having an argument about nothing and Raph leaves angry on his bike, on what very much feels like stock footage, even though it's the first time I seen it.

Then while he's out there he's attacked by  Foot HEROES. I think this is the most in-media-resey TMNT, which is both  brave and...not very well done. I guess the show assumed everybody already know all this stuff from the movies and cartoon and in a way, they are right, but by this point the boys who grew up with a 80's Turtles  are already grown past it, and the young up and comers might need for you to fill them in on why anything is going on.

No, no quiero pene, cabron!

Besides, this show doesn't fit into the continuity of either version. Here, Shredder is scared  Shredder from the movies, yet that guy died because he became HHH and knocked a building on myself. And also, here Splinter is Hamato Yoshi, not Hamato Yoshi's pet rat. This doesn't. Also, April was in those, and isn't in this, and her vanishing goes unexplained.

Anyway, Raph being attacked activates Splinter's 6th sense. Which...he has now. He's all about mind magic in this version . Which is weird but uh... Not unheard of. Splinter bill out Rafael along with the other Turtles.

What is unheard of, though, is Splinter's blind chess playing boyfriend.

so without any previous warning day dropping with the Foot Clan and it's goofy-looking Shredder. again not exactly movie trailer but not cartoon Shredder.

It's barely above Live Tour Shredder.

Shredder is  angry and wants to get rid of the Turtles because they get in the way of his plans. Which is...certainly one way to do Shredder, I guess. I would have thought it'd  be more of a personal edge to it, like uh..most versions.

Later the Turtles reconvene at their home, where Splinter goes into a mental trip thingy through the Dream Realm. There he meets Master Whatever, who warns him that he's in grave danger of dragons.


And then we learn the whole thing. Apparently a bunch of years ago the earth was ruled by dragons. But lucky for us, the got trapped in a magic mirror. However, Master idiot apparently tripped and let these Dragons in to the Dream realm.

I appreciate that there's a backstory to the main villain of this show, but honestly following where these fucking dragons moved to at any given time should not not require  a flowchart. Besides, if I understand it they moved from the mirror to the dreamrealm...so why the fuck does Dragondude keep peeking through the mirror?

The Mirror Dragon reproduction cycle.

Splinter would later stupidly return to the dream realm without telling anyone, and get trapped by the Dragon.


But before that, Mikey gets the turtles found out by the Footclan, who have a fight with the Turtles. This is usually a big deal, and forces the Turtles to uproot, but in this case it's more of a minor inconvenience. However, the Turtles are faced with the horrible realization that their master is now cathatonic.

Meanwhile, after Master Hu Cares is killed by Hothead's Daddy, we get a shocking reveal of our own: His assistant all along was...A FEMALE TURTLE! QUE QUEEEE?

Da Ra Ra Rah!

When I first was going to watch this I was about ready to feel the cringe, but I found myself somewhat drawn to find out what was going to happen. Who is the dragon guy? What's up with the female turtle? And my continuing to press on resulted in this series of articles.

So, so far, none of what I've seen hasn't been also been done worst in other versions of the turtles. But we'
ll see if Venus De Milo can't screw up everything. There is also another thing I would fix...

There, all happy.

Why Ninja Turtles The Next Mutation is Good and you can like it: Episode 1 at 8:44 PM

Cartoons of the eighties get a bad rap. Even the era's greatest successes are often dispatched as 30 minute toy commercials, cold product cranked out by factories, committees and boring bald guys.

While it is true that the intent behind these animated tv shows was highly mercenary, when we say that we are selling them a little short. There is an art to crafting something that continues to be remembered  well to the future. For every Transformers and GI Joe that is now a fixture in pop culture to this very day, there were hundreds of Dinosaucers and Insectaurs who just skidded in the start line and never even got going.

I REEEMEEEEMBEEEER

So while yes, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, the animated adaptation of a popular indie comic, was not exactly Miyazaki shit or anything, there HAS to have been something more to it that we're now on the 3rd  season of it's 3rd reboot, and on it's second movie of it's 3rd movie continuity. How many reboots has T Rex and  Mummies Alive had? Exactly.

While strong commercial appeal is an obvious element, I hypothesize that malleability of the core concept is the core reason. Mutant Ninja Turtles is a pretty silly idea, but in a few decades it's taken a stroll across the gamut of tones a story can be told in and came out winning fans every time.

Or rather, almost every time.

For you see, there is a version of TMNT that nobody lvoes. It is often considered THE WORST version. When the guys who made the franchise and watched it be used to hawk everything from macaroni to bedsheets  consider this the point of shame, that's how you know you did wrong.

But is it really that bad?  Out of sheer curiosity, decided to give it watch on the old Youtube once over. Thanks to user Oser Baya for having uploaded the episode. It's thanks to guys like him that Nickelodeon executives go hungry every night. That's how copyright works, right?

But first, a little bit of history. By 1997 the original TMNT cartoon had been off the air 1 year after a highly successful 8 season run. The popularity and toy aisle  space the show  had had been usurped by The Mighty Morphing Power Rangers Franchise, a Japanese sentai show that merely replaced all the Japanese actors with American ones while keeping all the scenes where people wore helmets to pretend they were under them produced by Saban.

Saban's success allowed them to do various lesser known attempts to replicate the Ranger's  success, but getting lightening to strike twice proved futile. So they turned their attention to their vanquished foe, and aquired the license to TMNT.

With what they had learned of martial arts children entertainment surely they would find success, right? Well...no, not exactly.

The show was Ninja Turtles: The Next Mutation. Or as it was known in the version I watched  HERO Turtles : The Next Mutation. They couldn't say Ninja because it's slang for vagina over in the United Kingdom [citation needed]. This is why I'm making a Euro-safe version of this article, replacing every Ninja with Hero.

So I have decided to tackle the series' first 5 episode arc, East Meets West, hoping to see if the show's bad reputation is earned or unearned.

And you will experience it as I did, in all it's croppy, blurry glory.

The show starts with a stereotypical  Chinese Master who trying to hold back evil from a mirror, a long with his assistant, a female in a brown robe. Now, if you know anything about this show, this isn't exactly a great mystery, but it might take you for surprise if you..don't watch the intro immediately after...

Oh, yeah, the intro. You know, there is a lot of pressure to live up to TMNT's classic intro. And this one was basically the first one to try it, and ends up pretty bad in the list overall. It might be the worst. Here's your lyrics.

Four green turtles! Heard the news?
Changed to mutants by an ooze!
Found on the floor and raised by a rat!
Now they're ninjas. How 'bout that?
Check it out! Another one found!
Made her way to Chinatown!
With the rest, yeah, that makes five!
Ninja Turtles, now they're live!
Na-na-na-na-ninja, Ninja, Ninja Turtles!
Na-na-na-na-ninja, Ninja, Ninja Turtles!
Yeah.

Basically, they outline the story to the characters in the worst way possible. Like, every other version tries to present the idea as an awesome one. This one it literally goes "how bout that" like it just found out it's pitbull is pregnant.




 Then comes the basic barebones characterization every fan knows and loves: Raph is angry for no given reason. They just walk you in on Leo and Raph having an argument about nothing and Raph leaves angry on his bike, on what very much feels like stock footage, even though it's the first time I seen it.

Then while he's out there he's attacked by  Foot Ninjas. I think this is the most in-media-resey TMNT, which is both  brave and...not very well done. I guess the show assumed everybody already know all this stuff from the movies and cartoon and in a way, they are right, but by this point the boys who grew up with a 80's Turtles  are already grown past it, and the young up and comers might need for you to fill them in on why anything is going on.

No, no quiero pene, cabron!

Besides, this show doesn't fit into the continuity of either version. Here, Shredder is scared  Shredder from the movies, yet that guy died because he became HHH and knocked a building on myself. And also, here Splinter is Hamato Yoshi, not Hamato Yoshi's pet rat. This doesn't. Also, April was in those, and isn't in this, and her vanishing goes unexplained.

Anyway, Raph being attacked activates Splinter's 6th sense. Which...he has now. He's all about mind magic in this version . Which is weird but uh... Not unheard of. Splinter bill out Rafael along with the other Turtles.

What is unheard of, though, is Splinter's blind chess playing boyfriend.

so without any previous warning day dropping with the Foot Clan and it's goofy-looking Shredder. again not exactly movie trailer but not cartoon Shredder.

It's barely above Live Tour Shredder.

Shredder is  angry and wants to get rid of the Turtles because they get in the way of his plans. Which is...certainly one way to do Shredder, I guess. I would have thought it'd  be more of a personal edge to it, like uh..most versions.

Later the Turtles reconvene at their home, where Splinter goes into a mental trip thingy through the Dream Realm. There he meets Master Whatever, who warns him that he's in grave danger of dragons.


And then we learn the whole thing. Apparently a bunch of years ago the earth was ruled by dragons. But lucky for us, the got trapped in a magic mirror. However, Master idiot apparently tripped and let these Dragons in to the Dream realm.

I apreaciate that there's a backstory to the main villain of this show, but honestly following where these fucking dragons moved to at any given time should not not require  a flowchart. Besides, if I understand it they moved from the mirror to the dreamrealm...so why the fuck does Dragondude keep peeking through the mirror?

The Mirror Dragon reproduction cycle.

Splinter would later stupidly return to the dream realm without telling anyone, and get trapped by the Dragon.


But before that, Mikey gets the turtles found out by the Footclan, who have a fight with the Turtles. This is usually a big deal, and forces the Turtles to uproot, but in this case it's more of a minor inconvenience. However, the Turtles are faced with the horrible realization that their master is now cathatonic.

Meanwhile, after Master Hu Cares is killed by Hothead's Daddy, we get a shocking reveal of our own: His assistant all along was...A FEMALE TURTLE! QUE QUEEEE?

Da Ra Ra Rah!

When I first was going to watch this I was about ready to feel the cringe, but I found myself somewhat drawn to find out what was going to happen. Who is the dragon guy? What's up with the female turtle? And my continuing to press on resulted in this series of articles.

So, so far, none of what I've seen hasn't been also been done worst in other versions of the turtles. But we'
ll see if Venus De Milo can't screw up everything. There is also another thing I would fix...

There, all happy.