 |
| But is there rap? BECAUSE THERE HAS TO BE! |
Who doesn't like the Jetsons? Lots of people. Let's face it, the Jetsons will always play second fiddle to the Flinstones. Where the Stone age family gets a duration record that wouldn't be broken in decades, two live action movies, and recent talk of a new, Seth MacFarleyized reboot, The Jetsons has merely a string of TV movies, a development-hell movie that would star Will Ferrel, if it existed, and the odd videogame here or there. There will never be a time where they won't be the Rival Schools to the Flinstones' Street fighter, the Antz to their A Bug's Life, the Neo Geo Pocket to their Gameboy.
 |
| Haha, stupid! In the future nobody's gonna do sports! |
So, I don't know what's not appealing enough for these characters that they can't even shill cereal and vitamins(even though the first is done fairly effective by a dazed looking bear and anemia, respectively.). I was fairly young when this was on reruns, and I don't remember much of it, except for it stubbornly not being about neither Robocop nor Ninja Turtles. With those 2 strikes against it, let's look at the Jetsons movie, and rediscover what the future looked like in the 50's when remembered by the early 90s.
As our story begins, as in the series we get a good look, and sung fanfare at, most members of the family. There's George Jetson, who dislikes going to work in the morning but does so. His wife Jane who is a woman. It doesn't bring in any other traits for her than that. His son Elroy, who is a kid prodigy of sorts, and also has A GAME that he would be SAD if his FATHER didn't get to it(not to skip ahead, but every time a movie presents a kid who has a game and wants his father to watch, it is for the purposes of him not showing up and getting the lesson that he needs to be more involved in his children''s life). And finally Judy, who is a teenager girl, in the most broad, stereotypical form. There's Astro, the dog, combining the least endearing traits of Dino and Scooby Doo. There's also the Robot maid, Rosie. Sigh. I have never met someone who has a maid, so I'm going to assume everyone in America Circa 1950's had one. Rosie raises the building itself to get the family out of the smog, a quick set up for the themes of the movie and a reminder that everything needs to be postmodernist.
 |
| Middle Name Chopped. Last name Liver. |
So George leaves this cardboard cutouts and heads for work in his Float-Car. But a traffic jam occurs, in complete defiance to the concepts that would make a flying car practical. In order to resolve this common man trouble with some ingenue he inflates a cop-shaped baloon, and makes siren sounds to convince everyone to make way. However a real cop comes along, and reprimands him.
While he's at work, his boss, MR Spacely, is holding a chairholder's meeting. Basically, the board pressures Spacely to reduce costs, Spacely points out his offplanet factory/mine could do it, and all it needs is someone to run it, and that the last 2 people to apply for the job ran away. Meanwhile, Elroy, who never evar convinces me his voice is a child's, is schooling some chumps in Spaceketball(okay, it's called Spaceball, but my version is more accurate.) and Judy and her friend, Bizarro Space Daria, are a at a teen kids music place(I assume she's skipping school.) when the coolest most handsome space singer there, Cosmic Cosmo, invites her for a date, set for a few days in the future.
But then they get some mood whiplash when George saunters into the home announcing he's now the vice president and they're moving. Elroy is now no longer sad his dad missed his game, and Judy is throwing a fit all over the place. This is played for laughs, but later we're gonna get a horrible song out of it.
 |
| Get over it. I moved like 7 times as a kid, and I turned out fine, for a man that argues with cartoons. |
So the family moves and we get a few weak gags out of it. There's a zany family of green Wookies that they have as neighbors, and there's also also a family of robots. I get a feeling both of these were meant to be black and we all know in the future-50's-90's there's no blacks. Seriously, I didn't see any.
The female of the robot family invites the women to a mall, which brings Judy out of her marasm. Meanwhile, George goes to work, because this is what men do. Men can't be bothered to go to their kid's games or loiter in malls all day, like women.
However, soon George learns that the plant is not all fun and games. There's also some ill(advised) early 90s rap about how the factory works. It's painful but quick, like being stabbed in the eye by a Kenyan.
Judy separates and heads off to the "nature zone" of the mall, so we can get her super sad ballad about being heartbroken. Look, I don't remember The Jetsons having any songs, and if it did, they probably weren't this terrible. Eventually she stumbles upon a new boy to love, who looks like the bastard son of Captain Planet and Two-Face.
 |
| So...dreamy? |
And Elroy is now getting schooled by his kid neighbor robot AT Spaceball. See, I told you. Black. Eventually all this set up leads to George Jetson ceremonially starting the factory, which immediately starts going bonkers and shooting sprockets around. Elroy who has been building animosity towards his neightbot, saves him, even though, well he's a robot. How much can he be hurt by a piece of metal?
With the pressure on him to somehow make the factory work, George is ever more determined to get results. but somehow the plant keeps failing. Eventually George's coworker fesses up and reveals that the plant is probably being sabotaged. George decides that the best course of action would be letting the higher ups know so they can launch a full assessment and investigation. Or wait at work while it's dark with a flashlight, like a jackass.
His kid, the Sasquatch kid, and the Robot Kid also launch their own investigation, worrying the parents of 2 of those kids because Space Sasquatches are terrible at parenting. Eventually George goes missing, and the kids stumble into the darkest truth, that the saboteurs are...CUTE LIL' SPACE MONCHICHEES!
 |
| If it's smart enough to accessorize, it's smart enough to be tried for sabotage. |
Indeed, under the factory, right next to the ore mining drill, live this happy go lucky, highly marketable space babies, who are having their home destroyed by the BIG BAD CORPORATION! As intelligent beings capable of speech their only hope of survival has been to ecoterrorize the factory! And to make sure we get the point that the monchichees are in the right, the hairy sasquatch baby hug-shields the monchichi from Astro. I think that moment gave me diabetes.
 |
| I have since learned that you don't get Diabetes strictly from eating too much sugar. I hope that makes the fact I got it from this funnier. |
Then George Jetson comes out of the woods, tied and gagged. It's clear the furballs, much like their direct inspiration the Ewoks, meant to kill and eat George, as they probably did to the people he's substituting. But he's still the asshole who's supposed to understanding, and he's still the one who has to compromise with the Space Monchichees according to everyone, including Captain Planet looking dude.
To even further drive who the assholes here are, Mr Spacely arrives, and tries to start the machine. The robot worker insists that he don't without ever pointing out specifically that he's probably killing a few people. Spacely kills the robot, and goes on with the drilling, sending deadly rock debris flying at the Jetsons and putting them all in perilous risk.
Eventually Jetson and his family get out, and try to stop the machine, which his boss does not allow. Now, I think the roughly 5 people involved could take on Spacely, since he's like 3'5, has like 50+ years, and wields no weapons. But because that would be too direct, George jumps into a hole where a series of gags occur, and busts the machine.
Forced by this space mutiny, Spaceley is strong armed into a deal were the Monchichi's do all of the work for nothing(because destroying the environment bad, sweatshops good?), the factory is exclusively are recycling plant, and I guess all the Sprockets go on be part of Bono's hype machine. However, the family must return to Earth, and leave behind all their new friends. With tears in their eyes, they travel on. Awful 90's rap aaaaand scene!
So uh, that sure was some movie, huh? Never even nearly as clever and funny as it thinks, The Jetsons movie is abrasively progressive with it's politics while having some pretty retrograde characterization. The characters are a little too dull, and don't have consistent motivations, or in the case of Jane Jetson just plain have no motivation at all. The animations is mostly so-so, and the songs...are fucking terrible. So what can I say? It's kind of subaverage at best. So perfect for the Jetsons, I guess.
Monday, December 2, 2013
|
| But is there rap? BECAUSE THERE HAS TO BE! |
Who doesn't like the Jetsons? Lots of people. Let's face it, the Jetsons
will always play second fiddle to the Flinstones. Where the Stone age family
gets a duration record that wouldn't be broken in decades, two live action
movies, and recent talk of a new, Seth MacFarleyized reboot, The Jetsons has
merely a string of TV movies, a
development-hell movie that would star Will Ferrel, if it existed, and
the odd videogame here or there. There
will never be a time where they won't be the
Rival Schools to the Flinstones' Street fighter, the Antz to their A Bug's Life, the Neo Geo Pocket to their
Gameboy.
|
| Haha, stupid! In the future nobody's gonna do sports! |
So, I don't know what's not appealing enough for these characters that
they can't even shill cereal and vitamins(even though the first is done fairly
effective by a dazed looking bear and anemia, respectively.). I was fairly
young when this was on reruns, and I don't remember much of it, except for it
stubbornly not being about neither Robocop nor Ninja Turtles. With those 2
strikes against it, let's look at the Jetsons movie, and rediscover what the
future looked like in the 50's when remembered by the early 90s.
As our story begins, as in the
series we get a good look, and sung fanfare at, most members of the family.
There's George Jetson, who dislikes going to work in the morning but does so.
His wife Jane who is a woman. It doesn't
bring in any other traits for her than that. His son Elroy, who is a kid prodigy of sorts, and also has A GAME
that he would be SAD if his FATHER didn't get to it(not to skip ahead, but
every time a movie presents a kid who has a game and wants his father to watch,
it is for the purposes of him not showing up and getting the lesson that he
needs to be more involved in his children''s life). And finally Judy, who is a teenager girl, in the most broad,
stereotypical form. There's Astro, the dog, combining the least endearing
traits of Dino and Scooby Doo. There's also the Robot maid, Rosie. Sigh. I have
never met someone who has a maid, so I'm going to assume everyone in America
Circa 1950's had one. Rosie raises the building itself to get the family out of
the smog, a quick set up for the themes of the movie and a reminder that everything needs to be postmodernist.
|
| Middle Name Chopped. Last name Liver. |
In this new series I will dedicate a whole post to a flawed character, concept or story, as compared to real life.
Inspector Javert is a 17th century French Judge Dredd, up to and including declaring himself
the law. Thematically, he represents the kind of impersonal "justice" that Jean Valjean feels
that took him 19 years of his life.He accepts no bargains, no please, and has no mercy. When told that a person stole because a child was starving, is response is "You'll starve again!" When told that a child will die if he arrests a woman, he quickly declares goes "Tell it to the judge". Javert just don't care.
So naturally, when a parolee on his care, the aformentioned Jean Val Jean, runs the hell
away, he's on the case. He hunts the guy for 8 years, eventually finding him under a false
identity as the mayor of the town. Long sung story short, he chases the guy across France
for 20 years.When the guy disproves his chief operating theory that "criminals all suck", he
jumps into a river to his death.
Now discuss: Is Javert just the most badass detective ever? I mean, he chased a man for 20
years because he stole a loaf of breeeeead. Sure, he might have earned himself some "false
identity" and "fraud" and "assaulting a officer" along the way, but for the first 8 years,
this was the extent of his crime.
Now, how many criminals do you think Javert was supposed to actually arrest. How many
parole breakers? How many rapists and thieves and Lindsay Lohan's where there to arrests in
the 17th century? Probably many, right? And here old Javert spends 8 years of his life
investigating a parolee for a minor infraction.Can you imagine reporting back that you spent damn near a decade looking for some old man who stole some bread once?
However, outside of Public Enemy 24601, Javert just doesn't seem to be very effective. His attempt to infiltrate the Revolutionaries failed utterly. Upon finding the subject of his obsession, Javert completely failed to stop the old man, like 3 times, even when having the advantage of a weapon. Even more heinously, when Valjean was almost robbed by the real deal criminals, the Thernadiers, he let them go as soon as he realized Valjean had been there. He's litterally letting real criminals go to pursue this dumb chase.
The trope of the cop who always gets his man is one we've come to respect, regardless of how
irrealistic it is.You admire begrudgingly admire Tommy Lee Jones for being a hardass in
trying to catch Harrison Ford. "Here's a determined cop who we wish really existed." you might think. But
when filtered through the angle of real life, these characters are flawed.
Like tonight's subject, Javert.
irrealistic it is.You admire begrudgingly admire Tommy Lee Jones for being a hardass in
trying to catch Harrison Ford. "Here's a determined cop who we wish really existed." you might think. But
when filtered through the angle of real life, these characters are flawed.
Like tonight's subject, Javert.
 | |||||
| You best bring me two more hoagies\ and 3 large ice cream cones | . And you better make it hasty\ or I'll hit you with a phooone! |
Inspector Javert is a 17th century French Judge Dredd, up to and including declaring himself
the law. Thematically, he represents the kind of impersonal "justice" that Jean Valjean feels
that took him 19 years of his life.He accepts no bargains, no please, and has no mercy. When told that a person stole because a child was starving, is response is "You'll starve again!" When told that a child will die if he arrests a woman, he quickly declares goes "Tell it to the judge". Javert just don't care.
So naturally, when a parolee on his care, the aformentioned Jean Val Jean, runs the hell
away, he's on the case. He hunts the guy for 8 years, eventually finding him under a false
identity as the mayor of the town. Long sung story short, he chases the guy across France
for 20 years.When the guy disproves his chief operating theory that "criminals all suck", he
jumps into a river to his death.
Now discuss: Is Javert just the most badass detective ever? I mean, he chased a man for 20
years because he stole a loaf of breeeeead. Sure, he might have earned himself some "false
identity" and "fraud" and "assaulting a officer" along the way, but for the first 8 years,
this was the extent of his crime.
 | |
| Convict A-B-A-C A-B-B! YOU HAVE UNLOCKED THE BLOOD CODE! YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS! |
Now, how many criminals do you think Javert was supposed to actually arrest. How many
parole breakers? How many rapists and thieves and Lindsay Lohan's where there to arrests in
the 17th century? Probably many, right? And here old Javert spends 8 years of his life
investigating a parolee for a minor infraction.Can you imagine reporting back that you spent damn near a decade looking for some old man who stole some bread once?
However, outside of Public Enemy 24601, Javert just doesn't seem to be very effective. His attempt to infiltrate the Revolutionaries failed utterly. Upon finding the subject of his obsession, Javert completely failed to stop the old man, like 3 times, even when having the advantage of a weapon. Even more heinously, when Valjean was almost robbed by the real deal criminals, the Thernadiers, he let them go as soon as he realized Valjean had been there. He's litterally letting real criminals go to pursue this dumb chase.
 |
| You know, this could be any other movie they're in. |
Javert ain't no badass. He's just an ineffective, obsessive nut.
Wednesday, October 2, 2013
In this new series I will dedicate a whole post to a flawed character, concept or story, as compared to real life.
Inspector Javert is a 17th century French Judge Dredd, up to and including declaring himself
the law. Thematically, he represents the kind of impersonal "justice" that Jean Valjean feels
that took him 19 years of his life.He accepts no bargains, no please, and has no mercy. When told that a person stole because a child was starving, is response is "You'll starve again!" When told that a child will die if he arrests a woman, he quickly declares goes "Tell it to the judge". Javert just don't care.
So naturally, when a parolee on his care, the aformentioned Jean Val Jean, runs the hell
away, he's on the case. He hunts the guy for 8 years, eventually finding him under a false
identity as the mayor of the town. Long sung story short, he chases the guy across France
for 20 years.When the guy disproves his chief operating theory that "criminals all suck", he
jumps into a river to his death.
Now discuss: Is Javert just the most badass detective ever? I mean, he chased a man for 20
years because he stole a loaf of breeeeead. Sure, he might have earned himself some "false
identity" and "fraud" and "assaulting a officer" along the way, but for the first 8 years,
this was the extent of his crime.
Now, how many criminals do you think Javert was supposed to actually arrest. How many
parole breakers? How many rapists and thieves and Lindsay Lohan's where there to arrests in
the 17th century? Probably many, right? And here old Javert spends 8 years of his life
investigating a parolee for a minor infraction.Can you imagine reporting back that you spent damn near a decade looking for some old man who stole some bread once?
However, outside of Public Enemy 24601, Javert just doesn't seem to be very effective. His attempt to infiltrate the Revolutionaries failed utterly. Upon finding the subject of his obsession, Javert completely failed to stop the old man, like 3 times, even when having the advantage of a weapon. Even more heinously, when Valjean was almost robbed by the real deal criminals, the Thernadiers, he let them go as soon as he realized Valjean had been there. He's litterally letting real criminals go to pursue this dumb chase.
The trope of the cop who always gets his man is one we've come to respect, regardless of how
irrealistic it is.You admire begrudgingly admire Tommy Lee Jones for being a hardass in
trying to catch Harrison Ford. "Here's a determined cop who we wish really existed." you might think. But
when filtered through the angle of real life, these characters are flawed.
Like tonight's subject, Javert.
irrealistic it is.You admire begrudgingly admire Tommy Lee Jones for being a hardass in
trying to catch Harrison Ford. "Here's a determined cop who we wish really existed." you might think. But
when filtered through the angle of real life, these characters are flawed.
Like tonight's subject, Javert.
| |||||
| You best bring me two more hoagies\ and 3 large ice cream cones | . And you better make it hasty\ or I'll hit you with a phooone! |
Inspector Javert is a 17th century French Judge Dredd, up to and including declaring himself
the law. Thematically, he represents the kind of impersonal "justice" that Jean Valjean feels
that took him 19 years of his life.He accepts no bargains, no please, and has no mercy. When told that a person stole because a child was starving, is response is "You'll starve again!" When told that a child will die if he arrests a woman, he quickly declares goes "Tell it to the judge". Javert just don't care.
So naturally, when a parolee on his care, the aformentioned Jean Val Jean, runs the hell
away, he's on the case. He hunts the guy for 8 years, eventually finding him under a false
identity as the mayor of the town. Long sung story short, he chases the guy across France
for 20 years.When the guy disproves his chief operating theory that "criminals all suck", he
jumps into a river to his death.
Now discuss: Is Javert just the most badass detective ever? I mean, he chased a man for 20
years because he stole a loaf of breeeeead. Sure, he might have earned himself some "false
identity" and "fraud" and "assaulting a officer" along the way, but for the first 8 years,
this was the extent of his crime.
| |
| Convict A-B-A-C A-B-B! YOU HAVE UNLOCKED THE BLOOD CODE! YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS! |
Now, how many criminals do you think Javert was supposed to actually arrest. How many
parole breakers? How many rapists and thieves and Lindsay Lohan's where there to arrests in
the 17th century? Probably many, right? And here old Javert spends 8 years of his life
investigating a parolee for a minor infraction.Can you imagine reporting back that you spent damn near a decade looking for some old man who stole some bread once?
However, outside of Public Enemy 24601, Javert just doesn't seem to be very effective. His attempt to infiltrate the Revolutionaries failed utterly. Upon finding the subject of his obsession, Javert completely failed to stop the old man, like 3 times, even when having the advantage of a weapon. Even more heinously, when Valjean was almost robbed by the real deal criminals, the Thernadiers, he let them go as soon as he realized Valjean had been there. He's litterally letting real criminals go to pursue this dumb chase.
|
| You know, this could be any other movie they're in. |
Javert ain't no badass. He's just an ineffective, obsessive nut.
In this new series I will dedicate a whole post to a flawed character, concept or story, as compared to real life.
Let's be real. Not everyone in the train Superman stopped is good. Some might even be so bad
that their demise might be considered a silver lining should anyone find out what he did to
those orphans.
However, there are other kinds of characters, the ones that just seem like sexually
attracted to being killed, that just don't seem worth saving. Let us consider ow, the plight of Boomer, a remarkable dog in and unusual position.
I bring to your attention the case of Independence Day.
Now, this movie's bound to be on TV at least once a year, so you've probably seen it. If
not, I'ma just give you the scene.
Aliens are blowing the crap out of New York with some slow-moving explosions. Over the
horizon and through it's streets a limbering wall of fire and debris is flying towards
Vivica A Fox, her kid, and their faithful golden retriever Boomer. When she notices this,
they ditch their gridlocked car and run away to escape. Running into a bridge, Vivica
notices a door. She kicks it open. It's a desperate plan, and one I think would probably
not work in real life.
The kid asks where Boomer is.
Boomer is like 10 feet away from them. Boomer isn't nervously bounding. He didn't
desperately run away from the explosion. He just then, with no regards to the Tsunami of
taxis that aproached, decided he needed to rest on a pick up truck's haul.
"Boomer!" She yells, probably too scared too add "You stupid fucking Dog! Get in here before
you fucking die!"
Boomer turns his head towards his owner. It's not exactly clear why he was staring the hell
away from his owners AND the mass death that endangered them all. Maybe he saw some
squirrels. Maybe he felt death was inevitable. Maybe this was filmed on a soundstage where
the dog was waiting for his offscreen trainer to give him the command to leap over things.
Regardless, Boomer now pays attention.
The rest is movie history. Boomer leaps from car to car and eventually jumps into the door
Angel of Death in passover.
I'm sorry, Boomer, but you are too dumb, and your dumbness endangered lives. May God Have
Mercy on your soul.
Let's be real. Not everyone in the train Superman stopped is good. Some might even be so bad
that their demise might be considered a silver lining should anyone find out what he did to
those orphans.
However, there are other kinds of characters, the ones that just seem like sexually
attracted to being killed, that just don't seem worth saving. Let us consider ow, the plight of Boomer, a remarkable dog in and unusual position.
 |
| "Fame is NOT a bitch, sadly." |
I bring to your attention the case of Independence Day.
Now, this movie's bound to be on TV at least once a year, so you've probably seen it. If
not, I'ma just give you the scene.
Aliens are blowing the crap out of New York with some slow-moving explosions. Over the
horizon and through it's streets a limbering wall of fire and debris is flying towards
Vivica A Fox, her kid, and their faithful golden retriever Boomer. When she notices this,
they ditch their gridlocked car and run away to escape. Running into a bridge, Vivica
notices a door. She kicks it open. It's a desperate plan, and one I think would probably
not work in real life.
The kid asks where Boomer is.
Boomer is like 10 feet away from them. Boomer isn't nervously bounding. He didn't
desperately run away from the explosion. He just then, with no regards to the Tsunami of
taxis that aproached, decided he needed to rest on a pick up truck's haul.
"Boomer!" She yells, probably too scared too add "You stupid fucking Dog! Get in here before
you fucking die!"
 |
| "I'm not the kind of woman to let the dogs out!" |
away from his owners AND the mass death that endangered them all. Maybe he saw some
squirrels. Maybe he felt death was inevitable. Maybe this was filmed on a soundstage where
the dog was waiting for his offscreen trainer to give him the command to leap over things.
Regardless, Boomer now pays attention.
 |
| Oh, you mean ME Boomer. Heh. |
The rest is movie history. Boomer leaps from car to car and eventually jumps into the door
just as the fire comes through. For some reason the energy from the explosion doesn't
somehow enter the room and blow the 3 of them away, and rather the explosion passes like the Angel of Death in passover.
I'm sorry, Boomer, but you are too dumb, and your dumbness endangered lives. May God Have
Mercy on your soul.
Wednesday, September 25, 2013
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