How to get Dr Doom right, a Tutorial. at 9:17 AM

Take it easy, Afghan Girl

News has come from the front that the new Fantastic 4 movie everyone expected to suck sucked as bad as everyone expected. Among other things, the one that especially jumps at me is that they apparently bungled Doom yet again, and not even in the way I knew they would. Apparently this is a telekinetic, fused to his suit, hates humanity and wants to destroy them all so he can get some peace and quiet in an alternate dimension. Motivation? Ruined. Duration of fight? Ruined. Doombots? No.

So, seeing how this is the third time Fox has completely failed to understand what makes Dr Doom a compelling character at various levels, it's time for me to do a tutorial, from someone who has not read a single Fantastic 4 comic in his life.

1) Start out by looking for images of DR Doom.

 
When you hit the ones that aren't from your awful films, you'll notice that DR Doom is kind of a fusion character. His cape and clothes denote Medieval Royalty, yet his armor is technological and brutal. Like all good characters, Dr Doom's appearance says it all immediately. He's an aristocrat, yet he's not a soft man. He's old fashioned, but uses technology to advance himself. He likes to flaunt, but he hides more than he flaunts.

You see, certain characters like the Joker, are constantly reinvented to invoke certain things.  Jack Nicholson Joker and Heath Ledger Joker are very different characters, but they are both built around elements that makes people like the Joker. But if we removed all that, and made Joker into an arms dealer with no other connection to the character except he gets called Joker once or twice, then obviously it doesn't look like a reinvention of a character we know. It looks like you don't know what the character was in the first place.

Appearance IS important, especially if you're gonna rejigger the character everywhere else. If it doesn't look like Doom, doesn't act like Doom, then you can't get people excited for Doom being in your movie.

2) Look for some of the comics.

 Maybe you can get them on comic stores or...ask Marvel, I'm sure they'd love to show you some.

I know some details, like Doom's quest to rescue  his mother from Hell, are always gonna be bit too bizarre for movies. And yes, Doom IRL should just shut up about his face being deformed and get the plastic surgery he probably can afford on an evil dictator salary. Hell, we don't even have made up countries in  movies anymore, so the idea of this guy coming from Sokovia Latveria might be a bit of a hard pill to swallow.

But it's not THAT what you should be looking for.The comics can give you ideas for characterization. For example, in the Books, Doom is all about hating on dat Reed Richards. That's compelling. They're both basically on a similar intellectual level. But where Reed makes inventions for the good of mankind, Doom uses them more or less for personal gain and to get back at Reed. Reed has a surrogate family that is willing to to fight alongside him, while Doom is basically alone, even with his immense resources. That's contrast. Reed and him used to be friends, until Reed kind of ruined his life. Reed carries that guilt, Doom carries that resentment.  That's characterization gift wrapped and given to you, and you just leave it on the box, unnopened.

So what are you gonna do with that? He's a rich jerk and when he gains powers he becomes an ANGRY rich jerk. And then in the new one, he's a sociopath who gets brought to an experiment, making him a super powered sociopath. Joker wouldn't just show up at the end of the movie for a quick fight with Batman.  Why do that to Doom? Unlike the Joker, we've never actually HAD the straight take to contrast with the "reimagining". And built in fanbase also leads to built in EXPECTATION. Give us the straight fuckin' take already!

"You see, Batman, I am no longer going the be riddled with grief! Now I...am...the RIDDLER..."

3) Get someone with a voice.

I mean, not to knock on Julian MacMahon and Toby Kebbel. I'm sure they're great actors. But...let's look at Darth Vader.

Vader is rumored to be very directly  by Doom. Since no one even saw him without the mask until Jedi, there would have been no actual expectation of how he talked, and in fact, if they'd gone with the voice of the man behind the suit, well, it would have sounded like this.

So Lucas made a good decidfhjkdfld sorry, I had a bit of a shiver. Lucas made a good decision and dubbed his voice over with  James Earl Jones. And, he nailed it. He nailed the suave charm and the commanding force Vader had. He doesn't need 20 computer generated filters to inspire fear.

Doom needs a great voice. I don't care if in flashbacks Victor is John Leguizamo. When he put on the damn mask, you better be sure he's being voiced by a good actor. Maybe you can get Ron Pearlman, since he played a pretty good Dr Doom in Teen Titans.

4) Doom needs to be plotting, and it needs to be a good plot.

The first X-Men movie had a lot of flaws, but I think one of the things that was right about it was that Magneto had a plan. He had a plan, and everybody knew it. But nobody knew exactly what it was. It was all the more of a shock when that planned ended up involving Rogue and not Wolverine, as we where led to believe.

Dr Doom in these movies NEVER has a plan that makes you think "wow, this guy is devious!". He basically just wanted to bump off the 4 in movie 1, with no other stakes at hand. In movie 2 he basically wanted even more superpowers to again, try to wack the 4, and he wouldn't have even got to do it except General Idiot agreed to show him the Silver Surfer's board for no reason, and he more or less stole it like a druggie might steal your bike.

Again, does anyone in the new movie ever wonder what Victor is up to? I don't know. I'll find out when I pirate it next week, but it sure seems like he just wants to destroy the world. Because RULING the WORLD is such a SILLY concept, fufufufufufufufu.

Even if he Doesn't have Doombots or a Country to rule or a piece of the True Cross, Dr Doom should be devious. He's not about overpowering people with sheer force. He's not the fucking Juggernaut or Frieza. He's a MENTAL powerhouse.Is that really that hard to get?

5)Watch the Roger Corman movie

Ok, The Roger Corman movie was a laughing point for many of us just getting the internet in the early 2000's. "OMG, so stupid, I thought I was downloading the one with Jessica Alba, not this dreck. Hahahahahaha"

But as Silly and Bad as it was, it's kind of becoming  a sore point that that Ashcan movie made to keep the rights around is probably the more accurate version of F4 on live action yet. I mean, sure it's a no budget trainwreck, but they sure nailed Doom.

I mean, think about it. Dr Doom in there is the actual Doom, with the origin story and the mask. He lives in a castle. He plots his revenge against Reed. He's got kind of a good voice. And this movie was built in about a month with a shoe string budget. They didn't have the influence of the Ultimate F4 they've twice laid claim to in the newer versions. In fact, I would dare venture and say that Roger Corman probably knew Doom's story beforehand. With little time to even invent something new towards Doom, he probably went with the origin he already had, which is as compelling as anything you'll ever find: Revenge and Vindication.

6)You're not listening to a goddamn word I'm saying, are you?

You threw this thing together real quick to keep the rights, didn't you? We all know it. You didn't even touch the franchise in a decade, but as soon as that deadline was coming, you quickly wanted to reboot. You don't even care if it bombs, do you? DO YOU?

I know other people would say "give the rights back to Marvel" like you didn't just spend  $122 million to NOT give the rights back to Marvel. But at least pay attention to what Marvel is doing. You might earn something.

You don't HAVE to use the most popular villain on every version, you know? Take it easy on the Doom. Go ruin Moleman or something. We don't care and neither do you.

Seth Killian, Dave Sirlin, Rising Thunder, Fantasy Strike Know What's up at 7:55 PM

By this point, you may have forgotten about my editorial about how going down, downforward, forward, is holding us back, and that we need to tap on to our creativity to create new controllers for a genre that is slowly returning from dormancy, but not quite awake yet. And some of you thought I was crazy! But Seth Killian obviously doesn't.
 
His new robot themed fighter, Rising Thunder, coming to PC in the future, has decided to do away with that kind of motion.  But looking at the video, you wouldn't know that.

He's not even the only one. Another genre veteran David Sirlin also announced he was thinking of making a fighter with lessened controls called Fantasy Strike.

And we haven't even discussed the 3 isms you have to choose before each match.

You see, the thing is, I have a confession: I put a lot of old emulated games to my 5 year old nephew. He's basically accessing a lot of the games I would have been able to play at his age, had I not been poor as fuck and ignorant of all game store's locations.

And he WANTS to play fighting games, especially, you know, the ones with colorful graphics and known characters. And unlike ME at  his age, he has me to know at least SOME of the special moves. And teaching him has been, erm... a bit of a bitch. "No, down, down forward, forward and punch! Either of these 3 is punch!"

Have fun learning about this many moves for about 56 characters, kiddo!

But he loves em' anyway. I got him Mugen, filled the roster with whatever beta as fuck characters I could find, and made him a bit of a Bootleg MVC2. He can't tear himself away from it...but he also gets beaten up by everybody, gets bored and leaves. It seems to me he could eventually really get into them, but for a bit there, he didn't even WANT to play no fighting games. He had them on the black list: No Sports, no racing, no puzzles NO FIGHTING GAMES.

You see, Cappy, SOME people think these characters are worthy of being in a fighting game.

In a time where mobile games are proving that even the simplest, proto Atari-but-with-Snes-Graphics games can find an audience, why is is it such heresy to say "no, this doesn't have to be this way?" Killian basically echoed my very sentiments. Which means either he's a man after my own heart or he fuckign read my blog and stole my idea.Either way, I'm off to lawyer up !

Why "Free the Nipple" must be stopped at 9:22 AM

Song's pretty good, too.

The perceptions, they are ah-changing. I grew up in a time where drugs where DRUGS, and legalizing them in any shape or form was out of the question. And now look at this shit.  Everyone's starting to go "well, shit, that didn't work. Let's try something else."


I applaud this "try something else" approach. I might not always agree with the something elses, but I do appreciate the idea of seeing the way we approach we where taking and going "let's just think about it for a bit."

And I also like women's breasts. So you might be surprised to know Batzarro is 100 percent for serious against the "Free the Nipple" movement,  a movement seeking to de-sexualize and legalize female toplessness. Here's my totally non faceticious reasons.

Yes, the tit showing was the troubling aspect of this.

1) It would make us look stupid for spending so many years making a fuss about it.

Back in the mid 80's to mid 90's, the local tv channels apparently didn't need no Free The Nipple Movement, because they would just run American movies(and occasionally, Brazilian soaps) with nudity. For me, growing up, that was normal. When cops walk through a titty bar looking for a suspect, sometimes you'd see some boobage over there. Nothing to it.

Then in 1997 we got Cable TV.  The image was super clear and they would run cool movies every 2 days instead of every 6 months. But it stood out to me that there where no breasts. Even in moments where you knew there where supposed to be breasts, there was in their place,  black bars, mosaic effects, and other silly things. All the actual breasts where on the scrambled channel, occasionally  making themselves visible whenever only my brother was present.

Well, what happens, kids, is that there is an agency overseeing broadcasted images called the Federal Communications Commission. The FCC decides, among other things, what you can say on the radio, what you can show on TV, and how much you can fake-compete in the telecommunications business.
The FCC could, and actually did charge you 1000's of dollars for showing a nipple on the screen. This was...this is the way it is. We've deemed female nipples damaging enough to the youth psyche that we punish those who show them with hefty fines.

One day, on a widely seen football event, what was probably an accident revealed a single areola on beloved singstress Janet Jackson. After that, we decided we needed to show all live shows with a 5 second delay, just to make sure that a nipple never, ever accidentally sneaks its way into our children's eyes.

And isn't that super fuckin' stupid? YES IT IS. Who is stupid? We are stupid. Let's not even get  on to the MPAA's treatment of female nudity, and the ESRB's treatment of it.

But suddenly this group comes and declares female toplessness to be a fairly undamaging event, that no one need to worry about. Slowly but surely everyone starts seeing reason, and before you know it a bunch of states become reasonable about it.

But then, it creates a disparity. You can totally walk into Gamestop shirtless to buy games, but those games are still self-regulated to minimize nudity and sexual situations that could upset upsetable types. You're just making all the time we spent putting black bars and reducing nudity super pointless. You're shining a light on decades of our society and saying "you're being ridiculous" and being RIGHT about it. STOP IT!

So many have died!

2) It would make the Mary Sues and Stylites of the world very...confused

Sites like Mary Sue are run by prudes that don't even know they're prudes. They talk a big game about the representation of women in pop culture being important, and doing so and so being offensive and troubling, but the truth is they're deeply uncomfortable with most types of sexuality. Since they can't express anything negative about homosexuality, to make up for that they just turn around and start cutting the crust out of anything regarding straight people, to I guess try to get it to a point where no woman could possibly open  a comic book and see an image that disagrees with what they like. Or, like, look at a variant cover that's merely one of the existing options for a cover.

And so one day,for progressiveness, of all things, we "loosen up" about fem nips. I bet that the Mary Sues of the world would, at that point, be elated, because this is for progressiveness. They'd love it until the shower scenes start showing up.

You know what I mean.  If you think everyone's just gonna treat the newly freed bare breasts strictly under "Mary Sues Guidelines and Expectations Regarding Bared Female Anatomy Ideals" you're shit out of luck.  Before you know it, you'll be seeing "artistic" renderings of Supergirl and Wonder Woman's bare breasts.  Sure, Supergirl's a  minor(or hundreds of years old? Or not-even-human?), but bare breasts are not sexual anymore, so who are you gonna complain to? THE MAYOR?

So what's a site of progressive prudes to do? They want things to be liberalized, but they won't like what people do once they are freed. But it's just as well, since...

"Yaaawn"

3)It might just be the death of Pop Culture.
You know what Hollywood is scared of? You. For nearly a century, they had a tight grip on who makes what, and how he makes it, when it comes to movies in America. They knew exactly how many studios where too many, and how to deal with those who won't work within their system. They controled the theaters, they controlled retail, and they controlled movies themselves. You either worked with them, or your movie would not get any wide distribution, be shown in any amount of important theaters, and would basically be a failure.

But...then the internet came along, with the strength to carry on. And slowly but surely it's put the promotion and distribution and creation of entertainment  ever more out of the hands of Hollywood.
As I mentioned before, FTN's goals would probably create an (even wider) gap between real life and the entertainment industry's standards.

But the Internet would not have the wait. I'm pretty sure a new exploitation genre would dawn upon nipples being freed, and all on the Youtube, which already has a monetization  system. I'm pretty sure if there was a free knock off Avengers Age of Ultron, where fake Ultrons where all topless women...I'd watch THAT one at least 5 times!

Hollywood has used "the fear of nudity" to exert control over movies for so long, I think they'd die if they couldn't, and had to actually compete toe to toe with unhindered productions while they pitifully try to decide if "that is PG 13".

Gotta save somethin' for the ladies, after all.

4) You're ruining the classics!
One thing's for sure: Nudity is totally ok when known artists from the 15th century do it. We take old, classic art with the presumption that nobody back then was just a horndog  who just wanted to see sexy naked ladies. And it's old, so you know it's edifying. Not like CURRENT art, where you're supposed to take in with the STUPID context of STUPID, current society. Bleh.

So basically, nudity was a niche that we allowed "old classics" to carve for themselves, while coming down on current works for being "exploitative" of nudity. Nudity is the only thing a lot of these old art things have going for it, and basically if they do it it's for real art, and if Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen does it, it's because it's written with a 14 year old's understanding of the world.

But what happens when ANY art can have nudity on it, and thrive?  What happens when a music video allows itself to have nudity and still run with the VEVO crowd? I'll tell you what happens: we don't have any real reason to assume  hundreds of year old paintings doing nudity are "for the art".
You don't want the old painters to be seen for what they really are, right? Openly exploiting the attractiveness the female body has towards  male audiences? You know I'm right.

5) How are we supposed to know which sites are porn and which aren't?

In our current society, there's two kinds of sites: those that show the titties, and those that don't.
Youtube, for example, won't show the titties, officially. Sure, you can find them if you look hard enough, but on the whole, there's no titties. Just like there's no copyrighted content.

Youporn, whoever, does show the titties. For most intents and purposes, Youporn is like a youtube where you can download the videos. And all the videos are porn, I guess.

As you can tell, we can easilly tell which site is a pornographic site  and which is just a site where occasionally pornography occurs. You can't go to Youporn and mistake it for anything else. You will see banners filled with tits, and fellatio and ridiculously huge dicks. It's a pretty clear line.

Once you say "nipples are okay", though, the line gets all blurry. Youtube won't be able to just say "this one has tits on it, it's a no-go". They'll have to see the whole thing and decide, video per video, if what is being shown is pornography, and just "art". And you know they'd rather make an automatized nipple detection function and just get it over with.

What if it's two asian coeds making out with no shirt? There's lots of "making out" videos on youtube, such as this:

What if you do the same thing, but with no shirt? Is making out with no shirt more sexual? It SHOULDN'T BE, because bare breasts are not sexual as per the premise. When does it become porn? If they touch them?  If they suck them? Penetration? Stupid sax music?

What if it's a video of a grown person drinking the woman's breast milk? Is it porn automatically? When isn't it? It's something that happens. That's how The Grapes of Wrath ended! But what if my version of The Grapes of Wrath switched out the characters for sexy asians?

We're pretty sure we don't want 5 year olds to find out about motorboating through some recommended thumbnail on the Barney video his mother put him  on. This would force us to examine our perception of what pornography actually is, and how it affects our children. So why not just leave it as it is, brah. Don't rock the teta boat! Don't...

...Actually, I'm in favor of all those things, and even the actual reasons behind FTN. Go get them!

Space Jam 2 is a no win situation at 5:59 AM

Okay, Bugs, refference Monica Lewinsky while you, Lola drive a Miata into MC Hammer's repossesed home. I'll listen to some Natalie Umbruglia and you Michael, you...you're fine.

I always stand to say that adapting something that's not good is no excuse for your version to not be good. While the veritable infestation of  sequels, remake, prequels and adaptations is nothing short of Hollywood just not being willing to take a risk, that doesn't excuse poor output. If the material is intellectually lightweight or down right godawful, that only gives room for those with skill and love of the craft to swim against the tide and provide us something worthy.

An adaptation of Starship Troopers basically running the premise of the book backwards is always going to be an easier order than a shot by shot remake of Psycho.
With that said, Space Jam 2. It's talked about, it's rumored, Lebron James is rumored to star in it.  Now the real question is, can you really ruin Space Jam?

Maybe he's gonna play the villain here?

You see, Space Jam is a pretty unique thing, and I don't mean that as praise. We get cynical now when they annonce an Asteroids or Emoji movie, things that get suggested and announced but for whatever cause reason prevails and it never happen, but Space Jam is the adaptation of a  Shoe commercial, tying in the life of then world's greatest Basketball star Michael Jordan.  And apparently nobody groaned enough, because it not only existed, but it made some money.

So in a world where rehashing is the safe route to money and nostalgia runs rampant, it's a no brainer to remake something that is both fondly remembered and made money. But here's the thing, it's not as safe as it seems.

You see, when Space Jam came to be, things where different. Michael Jordan was a household name, and summer movies where not  all CGI action adaptations of  comics and Cartoons. Space Jam 2 won't be competing with The Mirror has Two Faces and The English Patient or whatever. It'll be competing with a Yet another Batman movie  and another Marvel movie. Does this really have enough nostalgia fuel to battle that?


But what about the story? What about it? Look, even if you look upon the movie fondly,  do me a favor, and tell me what elements of "Basketball Star goes  to play Basketball with 1940's cartoon characters against  evil aliens" bear repeating.  Do you really want to see what the writers had to come up to get Lebron James playing B-Ball against Witch Hazel?

Do they retread on the first movie and have Space Jerk Danny Devito send even more goons to try to out-hoop the Toons? Do they make a new set of circumstances that would get a Basketball Celebrity into a court with them?

We want more?

Basically this has a pretty good chance of being just as bad as Looney Toons Back in Action, with the added crap bonus that some people actually expect this to be good on account of nostalgia. All you'd have to do to make a better movie than Space Jam is make something not so...Space Jammy. There is no formula to replicate, there is no actual THING to be brought back from the movie, unless you can somehow bring  Michael Jordan and Bill Murray and it's all winding up to be dissapointment.

And the thing is, we don't have the right to be dissapointed by Space Jam 2. Unlike the first Jam, we'll all be aware of who's directing it, writting it cameoing in it and how dissapointing it is before the thing hits the ground. You can't hide behind our love for Sports Stars or Cartoons anymore, Space Jam.
But still, I look forward to all our dissections of this illfated attempt.

Bound to be more fun than the film itself.

Charlse Barkley's Shut Up and Act.

Easter Egg-Man at 4:52 AM

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Nothing Ever Changes at 6:45 AM

Fighting Female July: Catfight Strategy Guide at 8:54 AM

PPPFFFFFFT!

You're a moron.

You're a moron because you saw an article titled "Catfight Strategy Guide" and you decided it might be worth your time. Everybody knows this game sucks, but to truly play it...for what end? To get your rocks off? If you must do that with a fighting game, go get Dead or Alive, Strip Fighter 4 or 2 Soul Calibur. Just not this one. If you want to play a good fighting game, there's plenty. If you want to play a mediocre or sucky fighting game, there's plenty of that too. You don't NEED Catfight in your life.

And yes, I will detail within the details  of how to play Catfight and not dwell in it's legendary suckyness TOO MUCH.  But unless your a blogger who has some kind of thing with writing about Women in Fighting Games, I suggest you go back to Google and search for anything else. Maybe a cure for insomnia, or the lyrics to that one Matchbox 20 song.

Now mind you, there is yet another game called Catfight. That one is on Playstation 2, which I won't have. If you want to know about that one, well, I accept your donations, send me a Playstation so that I can rock the nation while mocking sexy asians.

Basics


Unless you can get your joystick to work(and I couldn't!) you will be working with the arrows for movement. Z and X are your punch buttons, and C and V are your kicks. A,  S and D    are a shortcut to the special moves, and F are the shortcut to the "Supermoves". Or so I'm told. I haven't ever done one in this game withouth the buttons.

There is no holding of the button, okay? You hold low punch, you keep punching   like you on turbo, okay? Ditto for every attack.

Special Moves


Special moves also drain meter, but you probably won't be runing out of them in this game.

Combos
Yes, I'd like a #2, change the soda for fruit punch. What, in this game? Hahahaha. Go fuck yourself.

Supermoves

The Super moves in this game are different from other games. You have a sort of stamina bar that gets depleted when you pull a Super or special. You cannot repeat the Super unless you're Super Meter returns to maximum.

Blocking
You block by backing away. Try it in real life in relation to this game. Even if you don't block, the game is sure to not follow you!

Finishing moves


But hitting the opponent with  a super for a last move, the character will be killed in not so spectacular fashion.

Modes

Tournament

Win(Or lose! This game is stupid like that!) until you get to the end boss. You get one (1) picture with text describing whatever your character gets for winning!

Vs

Now, If you want to destroy yourself with this game it's fine, but don't you dare bring someone else into your sick world. Do you even have the two joysticks the game forces you to have in order to play versus? What, you can get them? Fuck you!

Watch

Definitively one of the better modes. I mean, the game is almost not a chronic insult to the human psyche if you're not trying to play it at all. Unlike other games with this option, though, you cannot choose who will fight and on what grounds.

Options

Pfft. Like THAT's gonna make this more enjoyable. You can choose between two difficulties, one of which makes the opponent not fight at all.

You can choose between, normal sound, offsound, and catsounds. But offsound doesn't do anything, so...

Controls, you have keyboard, Joystick and a third thing I don't understand. If you choose joystick you are expected to calibrate 2 characters.

You can choose between speeds Normal, Turbo and Slow Mo. You tell me if it works, mine's stuck on Turbo.

Character Strategy



Let's get down to the nitty gritty. Back in the day, you used to have to looks at strategy guides to know your characters moves and strategies. In this one, you'd have to do it to know their fricking names.


Name Pyriss
Place of Origin
Hel?
Backstory
She's  some bitch who shoots fire.
Fun Facts

Special Moves
A Firestorm
Dashes across the Screen.
S Inferno

She shoots black fireballs. They do a fair amount of damage


D Unnamed Uppercut A tried ant true and glitchy Shoryuken.

Supermove
Super Firestorm: same as  Firestorm,It does shitty damage. Not so super.
Finishing moves
Be Diamonds: The opponent blows up into diamonds. Hey, it happens mostly offscreen, so who knows.


Name
Crystal
Place of Origin
From her ending it is implicit she's an extraterrestrial.
Backstory
She just wants to make things clear.
Fun Facts
At one point her finisher just wouldn't fucking work. I assumed she had none.
Special Moves
A)Slicer Kick: A fairly damaging glowey kick

S Slicer: A crescent Moon shaped projectiles


D Dive Kick: She jumps into the air and  dives the opponent

Supermove
Super Slicer Kick: A very broken version of Slicer Kick. Two or 3 of these and it's adios, enemigos.
Finishing moves
Guts slicer: Her opponents guts all come out.


Name
Jennifer
Place of Origin
Hollywood
Backstory
She's  some bitch who shoots lightening.
Fun Facts

Special Moves
A HyperShock: A screencrossing beam of electricity

S Hypershock Low
Lightening travels along the ground

D Twirl Uppercut Uppercut A tried ant true and glitchy Shoryuken.

Supermove = Super Twirl Uppercut You kinda follow along now.
Finishing moves.
HeadKnock: The opponents heads is knockeds off they bodies.




Name
Lucinda
Place of Origin
The Badguys
Backstory
She's  some bitch who Uses wrist-blades.
Fun Facts

Special Moves
A Venom Drill: Just like Wolverine's Drill Claw. But your not playing those games now, stupid idiot.

S Venom Sting
It's the divekick, allright? It's just that it's no longer a kick

D Venom Uppercut
 A tried ant true and glitchy Shoryuken.

Supermove = Super Venom Sting: A Venom Sting that ends in an Uppercut
Finishing moves.
Venom Decimation: The opponent superdies into bones and stuff.



Name
Bass
Place of Origin
Cybertron
Backstory
She's  some bitch who Uses Sound Waves
Fun Facts

Special Moves
A Great Wave: A diagonal abstract-description-of-sound attack.

S HyperWave
Same, but now fully forward

D Fear Magnet
 It's a little glowey thing that doesn't go anywhere

Supermove = Super Wave She crosses the screen to hit you with a punchwave.
Finishing moves.

Bring the Bass: The opponent superdies into bones and stuff.

Name
Kimala
Place of Origin
Mexico?
Backstory
She's  some bitch who Uses Scythes
Fun Facts


Special Moves
A  Beerseker Klaws: She dashes most of the screen, attacking with her scythes
S Skulls Out
She shoots a skull from...her skull

D Tellyport Appear behind the enemy

Supermove = Super Beerseker Klaws THis one does cross the entire screen
Finishing moves.
Deep Within: The Opponents guts all come out.

Name
Chae Lee
Place of Origin
Korea
Backstory
She's  some bitch who Uses Ninja Shit
Fun Facts
The Actress playing this character, Kaitlin Zamar was in Mortal Kombat 2 as Kitana/Mileena/Jade.
This is possibly the worst character in all the game.
Special Moves
A  Teleport: It ports you behind the enemy
S Fireball: It's a fireball. Don't do it to close, because it has a tendency to miss the enemy completely.


D Uppercut : Yet another uppercut
Supermove = Super Beerseker Klaws THis one does cross the entire screen
Finishing moves.
Ninja Slice: The Opponents guts all come out.



Name


Thermia
Place of Origin
An Ice Place. Hehehe.
Backstory
She's  some bitch who Uses Ice Shit.
Fun Facts

Special Moves
A Freeze Breath: Temporarilly encapsulates opponents in ice. No, it's not as practical as  you'd think. 
S Ice Spike: A flying projectile made from Ice.

D Tornado Kick: It's an upwards then downwards variation in the old Tatsumaki Sempukyaku
Supermove = Super Tornado Kick: It's a same place staying variant on the old Tatsumaki Sempukyaku.
Finishing moves.
Footie Head: The opponents head flies away.

Name
Sara
Place of Origin
Greece?
Backstory
She's  some bitch who Uses Her huge, oily guns.
Fun Facts
Her actress is actually called Sara. No, it's too late to say they wern't even trying.
Special Moves
A Power Crush: A Grab, I think.
S Power Blah: An empowered punch.

D NOTHING AT ALL: She yells Power Blah and runs out your meter, though.
Supermove = Mighty Face Punches: She lunges forward and punches.
Finishing moves.
Knocking of the block: Her opponent's head falls off.
Name


Phantasma
Place of Origin
A Haloween Party
Backstory
She's  some bitch whu uses claws.
Fun Facts

Special Moves
A Monster Dash: She lunges towars her upponent
S Rolling Buckler: Haha, made you look! She rolls along the ground

D Upwards roll: She rolls diagonally.
Supermove = Demon Roll: See: MOnster Dash, Super.
Finishing moves.
Killer Night: Her opponent blows up

Final Boss Strategy

Shinma:

Okay, so you made some choices in your life that lead you to  having to beat Catfight. Now you are before the final boss, some Kiss looking freak. If you lose to her once, you have to go back to the start of things, just like Street Fighter Alpha 3. Hey, that game was pretty sweet. Go play that, instead.

First of all you will notice she spams powerful beams that knock you back. If your game is super sped like mine is, this might seem like an unwinnable boss. Here's what you're gonna do: Crouch.
If you crouch, all her attacks go right over you. You are mostly safe, if you keep blocking. Now, she will slowly aproach you with her deadly ray beam cieling, but that's okay. Hold...any attack really, and Shinma will just keep walking into it until she's almost out of health.

If I didn't mention it, I will now, that her health  keeps growing. But what's worse, the only way to beat her is to use a supermove on her and kill her. As her health approaches dangerously low levels, get up and use  the supermove. It might take some tries, but she'll go down.

Once you figure that out, the boss fight goes from stupid hard to stupid easy. Now you can see the endings. However, I specifically put them in this article so you WON'T have to do that, like I did.

Final thoughts
So that was Catfight. Hopefully this will give some closure to your hunt for answers about this game. But...
did you know they remade the notoriously bad Custer's Revenge?
Did you know that they remade Strip Fighter?
Well... I think it's time we took a long, snarky look at Catfight. It's time, baby.