Scolding Review: Barbie in Princess Power at 4:40 PM

You know, it'd be easy to say Superheroes are "in" right now, in years like this when you have 2 DC movies a year and Marvel has mapped out the life of Chris Hemsworth for the next decade. But in truth, outside of the Big 2,and the companies that once aquired the rights to characters from them and desperately need to make more movies of them lest their rights revert, Superheroes are pretty scant.

I mean, sure the years might yield out the odd Kickass or Avengers Grim, but there is no rush to pick up the rights to Savage Dragon or Youngblood to cash in on the theorical goldrush to be the next Avengers.

Which is perhaps, fortunate. The Superhero genre is a tricky one, and if companies randomly started getting into it just cuz they think it's "in" now, well, some really bad projects could happen.

This was my thought when I first saw that Barbie in Princess Power existed."Jeez, those dicks a Mattel noticed they couldn't compete with the harder edged Bratz and  Monster High, and after doing coke and watching Man of Steel they decided to get in on the racket."

Which, you know, might have been what happened for all I know. But that doesn't necessarilly mean the product is, you know, bad. And so, I decided to watch this movie, and give you a rundown of it.

Our story starts with Barb...Princess Kara of Wyndmere, flying through the sky using a jetpack built by her in-house scientists. Oh, yeah, I think in these movies "Barbie" lately is playing an instory role or something, so she isn't "Princess Barbie". I think it's fucking confusing because no one will confuse Princess Kara for anything other than Barbie with this face.

Oh, no, this is gonna give girls unrealistic expectations of how perspective works.

And further, the cover is got Barbie spelled all over it. So just call her  Princess Barbie of Barbieland.

Anyway, Barbie's parents are all protective and stuff, leading into my main gripe with this movie: Barbie doesn't have anything close to real problems.

I mean, I know this is a DTV for little girls. I don't expect fucking Melancholia here. But when your character's life is full of servants, pets and jetpacks, maybe work harder on those, huh?

No, the fact that she's royalty and a literal Barbie doesn't mean she could not have been made more compelling. With the superhero concept come themes of responsibility and freedom and wish fullfilment and power fantasies, and what does it matter that your character can now fly thoruhg the sky, when the movie opens with her FLYING through the sky? Wish fullfilment works better if characters wish for stuff they get, you know?

I mean, wanting to be a superhero on top of being a princess isn't a character arc, it's a high concept.

Either way the plot kicks in as Rasputin, the kings Eeeevil adviser, is ploting to  overthrow the king. Sorry, I mean, Rasputin.  Hold on, let me check my nonexistent notes...No, he's the Baron. Sorry, but on my defense, he's fucking Rasputin.

Yeah, no guessing Beardo McStrongfeatures is the badguy.

 Because of historical claims, which are played for laughs but seem like they could be a mildly solid reason to go evil, Baron Rasputin is creating a super soldier magic serum, when his lab asistant A Frog knocks it down the drain.

The formula falls on a caterpillar, which  metamorphoses into a butterfly that grants powers to people who kiss it. Barbie's sister,  Bitchy Brown Haired Barbie, I mean, Katarina, tries to kill it, but Barbie stops her, which earns her a kiss from the bug. Which is a mildly unique origin for what is to be a fairly uninspired set of powers. Kararbie gets what I like to call "The Basic Superman" of  Flight and Superstrenght, plus the ability to shoot orbs of plasma pink energy.

Barbie falls ill(which her supposedly overprotective parents let by without any worries) and wakes up displaying strange powers, which only her personal Susan and Mary Test know about. They quickly settle her into  Superhero roles and refferences.

Barbie tries to fly into the city to try and make her community garden, but  highjinks ensue and a sequence  where stuff almost crushes people takes place. As tends to happen in this type of story. Fortunately Super Barbie is there to recklessly bat the things away from crushing people, so they can only almost crush them.

So now, Super Sparkle(yes, that's her super name. The whole damn title is a lie) is an established Superhero, with her own non-love interest in the form of Ken(?) playing the role of the Lois Lane, except he's more of a blogger instead of a journalist.

 Super Sparkle folds a few bank heists and s rescues some people from a fire, all while balancing her life as a famous princess. I make it sound way more interesting than I make it seem. Besides, she's so sloppy, she gets found the hell out real soon by the only other fly in her milk , Bug Killing, Slightly Negative Barbie.

So Brown Hair Barbie puts it together than having been kissed by the butterfly made  Barbie Super, so she finds it, and then forces herself onto the Butterfly, becoming Dark Sparkle.

Now, I know you may be thinking I may be exaggerating by basically implying Barbie's sister raped a magical butterfly. But context is king. The butterfly kissed Barbie out of her own volition, as a reward for saving her life...from this specific person. And now she's her, trapping said butterfly and kissing her as she squirms.

I mean, I'm tagging this rape, juuust in case.

Or I'm overthinking  it.

Either way, that's about the darkest thing Dark Sparkle does. Henceforth dressed identically to Super Sparkle but like, 3 shades darker pink, she starts butting in on her sister's turf and stealing part of her thunder. She's not like, particularly violent or blunt, so the main issue here isn't her method.

"You've tried the rest...now try ME!" "Ma'am, the mall doesn't open in an hour." "Oh...ok"

Even bigger troubles lie ahead as Lewis Lame deduces Sparkle's secret identity too, and even though he's her biggest fan and everything, he just  fucking puts it on his damn blog.

Like, not even a little doubt. What a dick.

So Sparkster's parents ground her, and forbid her from being a Super anymore. She's Sparkler-Man...no more.

But then Baron Von Rasputin gets his formula together again, and this time mostly drinks it, and starts threatening the king, so it's not a very long time not being  Super. And so begins a pretty long superfight between Super Sparkle, Dark Sparkle and Rasputin Sparkle.

This isn't Barbie's Mud Hole: It's Barbie's Operating Table!

Ok, so it's not exactly The Zod fight from Man of Steel. It's still a DTV Barbie movie, after all. But there's plenty of slamming people into walls and shooting magic missiles.

Midfight, Super Sparkle just tells Dark Sparkle to fuck off and let her operate, and Dark Sparkle is like "ok, whatever". Which is kind of weird, because what's at stake is how alive their family and themselves are.

Meanwhile,  the Frog gets Superpowers too. And the cat and the dog, too. I don't know why the Butterfly doesn't have superpowers of her own, or maybe she does? Does anyone who kiss Barbie, her Sister, and The Baron get Superman powers now?

General Nod is now unable to reach the royal family because they locked themselves into an impregnable tower they have, so he unleashes a river of magma from the frustatingly named volcano Mount Dormant. Barbie stops the tower falling down, but as the lava rushes down to the  city, she is forced to divert it by carving a long ditch on the ground to lead the lavato a lake. However, just as she's running out of stamina to do it, Bug Rape Sparkle comes in for the save. They divert the lava, the now empowered pets beat up The Baron and he's locked into the tower they already explained is impregnable so...I guess if he can die at all he'll die there of hunger.

So Barbie makes that garden she wanted, and steals Ken's phone and forces him to work on the garden. The End.

Look here, I have a lot of hair on my chest, so this thing obviously wasn't made for me. However, there are things on which I think it could have been better.

Different Powers. Given the different context in which  characters get powers in this (bad ones through consumption of a magic potion, good ones through  a bug that ingested said potion) a bit of different abilities would have been nice. You don't even have to be original. Steal from DC. Steal from Marvel. Steal from Dark Horse if you want,  just not the same damn Superman powers!

Give Barbie a more solid arc. Nothing wrong with a "wanting more outta life" plot. But you know, if Barbie's main problem in life is that her parents are too overprotective, you need to either make them actually overprotective or otherwise show us what she is longing for.

If her main arc is her strained relationship with her sister, show that well as well.

Don't make it look like it was made in The Sims. Look, I don't expect Sin City when I put in Barbie in Princess Power. But it looks a little too smooth at times. It's a little offputting.

But as it is it's...pretty decent for a DTV Barbie movie. I don't regret having sat down to watch it. The Bad guy was somewhat fun, the nods towards comic book movies kind of fun, and the dialogue wasn't always grating. Which is frustrating, because if it'd just reached  a little bit farther it might have been good-good, instead of "Not Bad for What it is". Oh, well, at least we have Super Hero High.

Wait, fuck.

DVD and Conquer at 12:20 PM

Add caption

Looking for that perfect Holiday gift for the wife? Well, how about a DVD collection?

Seth Killian, Dave Sirlin, Rising Thunder, Fantasy Strike Know What's up at 7:55 PM

By this point, you may have forgotten about my editorial about how going down, downforward, forward, is holding us back, and that we need to tap on to our creativity to create new controllers for a genre that is slowly returning from dormancy, but not quite awake yet. And some of you thought I was crazy! But Seth Killian obviously doesn't.
 
His new robot themed fighter, Rising Thunder, coming to PC in the future, has decided to do away with that kind of motion.  But looking at the video, you wouldn't know that.

He's not even the only one. Another genre veteran David Sirlin also announced he was thinking of making a fighter with lessened controls called Fantasy Strike.

And we haven't even discussed the 3 isms you have to choose before each match.

You see, the thing is, I have a confession: I put a lot of old emulated games to my 5 year old nephew. He's basically accessing a lot of the games I would have been able to play at his age, had I not been poor as fuck and ignorant of all game store's locations.

And he WANTS to play fighting games, especially, you know, the ones with colorful graphics and known characters. And unlike ME at  his age, he has me to know at least SOME of the special moves. And teaching him has been, erm... a bit of a bitch. "No, down, down forward, forward and punch! Either of these 3 is punch!"

Have fun learning about this many moves for about 56 characters, kiddo!

But he loves em' anyway. I got him Mugen, filled the roster with whatever beta as fuck characters I could find, and made him a bit of a Bootleg MVC2. He can't tear himself away from it...but he also gets beaten up by everybody, gets bored and leaves. It seems to me he could eventually really get into them, but for a bit there, he didn't even WANT to play no fighting games. He had them on the black list: No Sports, no racing, no puzzles NO FIGHTING GAMES.

You see, Cappy, SOME people think these characters are worthy of being in a fighting game.

In a time where mobile games are proving that even the simplest, proto Atari-but-with-Snes-Graphics games can find an audience, why is is it such heresy to say "no, this doesn't have to be this way?" Killian basically echoed my very sentiments. Which means either he's a man after my own heart or he fuckign read my blog and stole my idea.Either way, I'm off to lawyer up !

It's a metaphor! at 9:37 AM

Extraterrestrials have been used in media for over a hundred years now. But it turns out some of our favorite non-humans from space don't really com from that far away!

It's a metaphor! at 9:37 AM

Extraterrestrials have been used in media for over a hundred years now. But it turns out some of our favorite non-humans from space don't really com from that far away!

The Tim Burton's wife game at 1:19 PM

Wigs are art.

I watched Les Miserables, and want to make a Scolding Review of it but…won’t. Even though there’s plenty to rip on on it, I simply won’t. But something wonderful came up with the movie, and I want to bring it up.

See, when strange, bighaired women came out to egg on Ann Hathaway’s character to sell her teeth(and way to cheat on toothless singing  Ann Hathaway, Hollywood), I jokingly asked my sister if Tim Burton’s wife had shown up when I wasn’t looking. But later in the movie she did show up.

And it got me to thinking…how do these appearances by TBW stack up in terms of associated elements? How Timburtonwifetastical is each of these? That’s how I came up with a system  to measure it. I call it the Tim Burton’s Wife Game.

Each element  is given a mathematical strength factor, meant to be added up to a total amount of points. You COULD play it as a drinking game, but as each of these are  usually all in evidence by the time Johnny Depp is eating her brains, It’d likely be a fast and heavy game of alcohol poisoning.  What are our factors? Let’s see.

Tim Burton directs the movie.

You don’t get much points for this because Tim’s wife is in all of his movies ever since they got hooked up.

Is TBW’s hair an unruly mess?

I thought this was a Tim Burton thing, but it shows up in a lot of her non-nepoticalapearances. And franky if she isn’t   going for the natural “just woke up” look, she’s bald or sporting a crazy hair hat. What’s wrong with just…hair?

Is she really pale?

I know the woman’s got a pasty complexion, it’s just that most of the time instead of playing around it, they go straight to making her more pale or having  highly contrasting black eyeliner.

Is the movie set in the Victorian years?

“Because I brought a whole truck full of corsets and giant black unseemly wigs and I don’t want it to seem  out of place.”

Is her character affably amoral?

I think I’ve only ever seen TBW as a straight up good character in Big Fish, where she was king of thought of as a villain. When she’s not straight up evil(Sleepy Hollow, Terminator Salvation), she’s generally not an aid to the heroes. Either way, she’s usually some kind of awful person but kind of charming enough not to be immediately hateable.

She dies a horrible death.

Perphaps due to her propensity for the other variables, her characters as a rule often die horrible deaths.This is especially true in her husband’s movies, where again, with exceptions like Big Fish, Planet of the Apes and Corpse Bride her characters have to die, and it’s generally nasty ways like  being killed by a vampire, having your neck cut and being dumped down a laundry chute or being kissed by Christopher Walken. Wait, that last one might not be horrible.

It is a musical/has songs.

Regardless of whether she sings, or just sits it out, TBW’s movies tend to gravitate towards theatricality. This means the odds are good this at least has some songs in it.

Let’s apply this on any film she’s in and see how that works. Let’s say…Terminator Salvation

Terminator Salvation racks a lowly.2 points, on account of small screentime. Surely she died horribly either because of cancer or because of the whole “nuclear war on robots” thing. But if it’s not in the film it doesn’t count.

Let’s go for something a little more recent.

Dark Shadows lost a lot of points by opting to be set in the 70s, and not casting  TBW as a pale flapper or something. It racks up 6 points.

Harry Potter 7-1  suceeds in gaming the system by 6 points as well. Had they not stretch the plot thin, we might have seen TBW thrown  into a magical thrash compactor or whatever it is that happened in the final movie.

The consummate Tim Burton’s wife representation, Old Tim somehow managed to game the system to put his wife as the second-to-third most important character in  musical about Victorian England murderers.  The movie pulls a bingo and wins 15 points, the highest score possible.

But what about Les Miserables?

10. My incapacity to tell what Victorian actually is keeps me from awarding the pts for Victorianism(doesn’t count if it’s in France, right?), but it’s still pretty strong.  I encourage you to use this here blank card and check out how other films in her filmography and see how they compare. And remember that one day she’s gonna get cast in a Transformer film as Black Arachnia, and you’ll remember me, who never once uttered her full name, and throw up a little blessing to my person.

The Tim Burton's wife game at 1:19 PM

Wigs are art.

I watched Les Miserables, and want to make a Scolding Review of it but…won’t. Even though there’s plenty to rip on on it, I simply won’t. But something wonderful came up with the movie, and I want to bring it up.

See, when strange, bighaired women came out to egg on Ann Hathaway’s character to sell her teeth(and way to cheat on toothless singing  Ann Hathaway, Hollywood), I jokingly asked my sister if Tim Burton’s wife had shown up when I wasn’t looking. But later in the movie she did show up.

And it got me to thinking…how do these appearances by TBW stack up in terms of associated elements? How Timburtonwifetastical is each of these? That’s how I came up with a system  to measure it. I call it the Tim Burton’s Wife Game.

Each element  is given a mathematical strength factor, meant to be added up to a total amount of points. You COULD play it as a drinking game, but as each of these are  usually all in evidence by the time Johnny Depp is eating her brains, It’d likely be a fast and heavy game of alcohol poisoning.  What are our factors? Let’s see.

Tim Burton directs the movie.

You don’t get much points for this because Tim’s wife is in all of his movies ever since they got hooked up.

Is TBW’s hair an unruly mess?

I thought this was a Tim Burton thing, but it shows up in a lot of her non-nepoticalapearances. And franky if she isn’t   going for the natural “just woke up” look, she’s bald or sporting a crazy hair hat. What’s wrong with just…hair?

Is she really pale?

I know the woman’s got a pasty complexion, it’s just that most of the time instead of playing around it, they go straight to making her more pale or having  highly contrasting black eyeliner.

Is the movie set in the Victorian years?

“Because I brought a whole truck full of corsets and giant black unseemly wigs and I don’t want it to seem  out of place.”

Is her character affably amoral?

I think I’ve only ever seen TBW as a straight up good character in Big Fish, where she was king of thought of as a villain. When she’s not straight up evil(Sleepy Hollow, Terminator Salvation), she’s generally not an aid to the heroes. Either way, she’s usually some kind of awful person but kind of charming enough not to be immediately hateable.

She dies a horrible death.

Perphaps due to her propensity for the other variables, her characters as a rule often die horrible deaths.This is especially true in her husband’s movies, where again, with exceptions like Big Fish, Planet of the Apes and Corpse Bride her characters have to die, and it’s generally nasty ways like  being killed by a vampire, having your neck cut and being dumped down a laundry chute or being kissed by Christopher Walken. Wait, that last one might not be horrible.

It is a musical/has songs.

Regardless of whether she sings, or just sits it out, TBW’s movies tend to gravitate towards theatricality. This means the odds are good this at least has some songs in it.

Let’s apply this on any film she’s in and see how that works. Let’s say…Terminator Salvation

Terminator Salvation racks a lowly.2 points, on account of small screentime. Surely she died horribly either because of cancer or because of the whole “nuclear war on robots” thing. But if it’s not in the film it doesn’t count.

Let’s go for something a little more recent.

Dark Shadows lost a lot of points by opting to be set in the 70s, and not casting  TBW as a pale flapper or something. It racks up 6 points.

Harry Potter 7-1  suceeds in gaming the system by 6 points as well. Had they not stretch the plot thin, we might have seen TBW thrown  into a magical thrash compactor or whatever it is that happened in the final movie.

The consummate Tim Burton’s wife representation, Old Tim somehow managed to game the system to put his wife as the second-to-third most important character in  musical about Victorian England murderers.  The movie pulls a bingo and wins 15 points, the highest score possible.

But what about Les Miserables?

10. My incapacity to tell what Victorian actually is keeps me from awarding the pts for Victorianism(doesn’t count if it’s in France, right?), but it’s still pretty strong.  I encourage you to use this here blank card and check out how other films in her filmography and see how they compare. And remember that one day she’s gonna get cast in a Transformer film as Black Arachnia, and you’ll remember me, who never once uttered her full name, and throw up a little blessing to my person.

Star Wars Episode VII wish list at 12:13 PM

Am I late to the Star Wars Episode VII  speculation madness? Maybe. I'll just have to deduct this last 7 days from the next 3 years, huh?

It's crazy that it's been less than a month and we've already got 2 rumored directors, Mathew Vaughn and Some Other Guy. At this point Ep 7 is a formless mass in the future, and we feel we could shape it somehow by projecting our ideas into the web vacuum, even though it's  unlikely. Still, I am not immune, so here's a grab bag of my random wishes. So please...

Let Neil Blomkamp direct

And if he WAS racist, that's just perfect for Star Wars anyway.

Every fanboy out there is trying to rope up the bigger names in nerd franchises, because they think JJ Abraham's is about to drop out of Star Trek just for this and Christopher Nolan is willing to direct every single genre movie. Personally, I would much rather get District 9 director Neil Blomkamp. Watch Alive at Jorburg and tell me otherwise.

Blomkamp's visual style is what Star Wars was missing with the prequels\s ubberclean greenscreen rooms. Sure, D9 wasn't exactly the most original story ever, but if that's what you expect from Ep 7, then you need to ground your expectations a little.

Let Michelle Rodriguez have a part in it

She's not scared! She just wanted to know what it felt like!

Michelle Rodrguez is awesome. I don't think I should elaborate more on that. And if there's a part for a rough character woman in ther, Michelle should have it. Boy, did you just search your feelings? You know this shit be true!

Again, you're not shooting  some fancy Oscar bait film, here.  Michelle Rodriguez as a bounty hunter.

Let there be some kind of new Jedi type weapons

No, it's not a Swastika...I think.

The creation of new iconography is as important as the usage of the old one.  The Prequels found some  early success in this are with Darth Maul, and never did top it.

As iconic as the Lightsabres are, they are merely placeholders for actual swords. In this sense, other types of weapons should be given the same general treatmen. Dai-Katana, Halberds, lances, shields. Do not limit yourselves to what already exists. Since Star Wars is essentially Samurai and Cowboys in space, let's put some Kung Fu into that, huh?

Let there be less lightabre duels...but let those be meaningfull

Whoa! CG Yoda vs CG Cristpher Lee!

Again, Lightsabers are sort of important to Star Wars. But their usage should be tempered.

Each character should have a style of their own, according to their personality. They shouldn't just be whacking away at each other. Darth Maul, again, created a space for himself in the lore, but there isn't much to like him besides the aesthetics. Then again...Bobba Fett.

Let the story NOT follow Skywalker's kids.

Let's do this quick, boys. I left my shift at the construction site and my boss is a dick..

Dear Disney: If you can't do better than the Expanded Universe, then don't do nothing. Or do so anyway, make money, and have me pay for it. Either way I don't want to see the next generation of Lukes and Leias. Follow a new group of leads. They don't have to spiritually be sequels to Luke and Leia anyway.

If Original Trilogy  characters or their spawn must be in, let them be support for the new characters.

Let it not be overhyped...too late!

The problem with Star War is everyone feels they know it, and it's grown into more than what it originally was...some adventure movies. The new movies can't reach the beholden status of those. If you shoot for that, you will never reach it.

Well, see you guys in 2015. I'm sure It's the last time I'll be talking about this subject.

Star Wars Episode VII wish list at 12:13 PM

Am I late to the Star Wars Episode VII  speculation madness? Maybe. I'll just have to deduct this last 7 days from the next 3 years, huh?

It's crazy that it's been less than a month and we've already got 2 rumored directors, Mathew Vaughn and Some Other Guy. At this point Ep 7 is a formless mass in the future, and we feel we could shape it somehow by projecting our ideas into the web vacuum, even though it's  unlikely. Still, I am not immune, so here's a grab bag of my random wishes. So please...

Let Neil Blomkamp direct

And if he WAS racist, that's just perfect for Star Wars anyway.

Every fanboy out there is trying to rope up the bigger names in nerd franchises, because they think JJ Abraham's is about to drop out of Star Trek just for this and Christopher Nolan is willing to direct every single genre movie. Personally, I would much rather get District 9 director Neil Blomkamp. Watch Alive at Jorburg and tell me otherwise.

Blomkamp's visual style is what Star Wars was missing with the prequels\s ubberclean greenscreen rooms. Sure, D9 wasn't exactly the most original story ever, but if that's what you expect from Ep 7, then you need to ground your expectations a little.

The Fantasy Female Fighting game roster draft at 9:40 AM

More Breasts...

Before games like Tekken and Virtua Fighter  changed the landscape, making  a fighting game usually involved playing a game of chicken with how close a fighting game can come to Street Fighterwithout actually being Street Fighter. Even classics like KOF and Killer Instinct have easy lines of comparison.

This is Fighting Female July, so I wanted to know if I could pick up random female characters from different games and put them on  a roster, kind of like fantasy football, but without any possibility of it actually happening. Except, of course, M.U.G.E.N.

So I will pick and draw one female from one fighting game that fits the archetype of each Super Street Fighter character, and explain why the character fits the roster.

Ryu The Hero

  The hero is usually the character that gets selected if you just bang at the buttons on the select screen. Also, look for the hero to be in, usually at the center of, all the oficial artwork.  If that's not possible, it is usually a character that is well rounded, both morally and in terms of gameplay.

I choose, Raiya Mikazuki, Touki Densho (ENGEL EYYYES!)'s resident main character. Raiya fits the bill perfectly.

Ken The Rival

This character's story is irrevocably tied to another character. In fact, the character usually evokes the other character visually.

Mileena. Mileena, unlike my boy Scorpion, has not distracted herself from the vendetta that justified having her be a palette swap. As of late she's been presented particularly more provocative than her rival as overcompensation of the fact she's a disfigured version of a well respected, well liked member of the community. Kinda like Brandon Routh or Johnny Test.

Honda  The Overtly Japanese character

Okay, most notable fighting games are made in Japan. So, there usually is more than one Japanese character. However, sometimes you get a character representing things so particularly Japanese, that the character becomes "the Japanese Guy".

What's more Japanese than a Geisha? How about a Ninja Geisha? Following the advise of Sutefani, Namco added such a character(sort of) in the form of Setsuna, a pretty lady with a parasol-sword that  conveniently covers her beautiful kimono from all the arterial spray she's bound to cause.

 blanka  The Monster

You know, when you need a character to represent 3 things, like, say, a country, a play style, and a character archetype, things can get a little messy. Everyone wants to be represented by the hero, not the nymphomaniac. Still, you gotta have a monster character. And he's probably from a country  that will really love your game, why not?

Mantazz, from Time Killers. Female in a very technical sense, as she's an insectoid queen from another planet. Mantazz represents giant monsters from space can be ladies too just fine.

 guile The Gringo

America's history with Japan, as well as being  a world superpower, has made this an archetype in several medias of the Island nation. The American is usually pretty easy to spot. Look for military ranks,  strokes of Red, White and Blue, and engrish.

And here's another chance to say how much I love Tiffany Lords from Rival Schools. She's a completely silly, sexy, energetic character. She has a move called EXCITING KICK! That's s fucking exciting!

 balrog  The Specialist

Here's a fighter that screws up your button scheme. The style is usually a real martial art that doesn't conform to a button style presented.

Gonna go with Ryoko  from World Heroes. She's a judeka, and she's not gonna not Judo throw just because  you say it's a "punch button'.

Or How about Ryoko from Fighter's History?

 Look...I never got them done, awwight?

chun li The Chun Li

Chun Li is the first lady of fighting games. There is only one Chun Li. Her name is Chun Li.

T.Hawk the Horrible stereotype

Allright, look: Most of the Street Fighter cast is some sort of stereotype. It would just take a huuuuge, huuuge kind of stereotype for people to get actually offended at this point. This character is that. However,  that's not to say said controversial character won't be liked.  Just...not a lot.

I'm going with Voodooh, from the legendarilly shitty Shaq Fu. I mean, they put the name of  the thing into the character. Not the last time it would happen, but this is the one time it's a lady.

 zangief The Grappler

Grapplers as usually deadly in the hands of experts, but shit to newcomers who rely on their reflexes and mashing over memorization and  stats. They tend to be slow and rangeless to compensate for their damage output.

Tina Armstrong, my favorite Dead or Alive character. Sure, in DOA there's not any great amount of projectiles, and Tina's pretty great in it. And sure, she's kinda the gringo in that one, too. Still...she's a grappler, whatayawant?

dhalsim The contortionist

The contortionist is a weird character with far reaching or visually confusing moves that make for good mental games.

For this slot a slut: Rana, from Strip Fighter. She's pretty much my favorite character of that game. And it's not just because she's graphically naked and gives blowjobs to losers.

 sagat The Frustrating Subboss

Usually coming before the frustrating boss, the frustrating subboss is annoyingly difficult when the CPU uses it. That's not to say that it's not frustrating to fight against in multiplayer.

Chizuru from King of Fighters. I have no observations on Chizuru, except that she was a subboss in KOF 98. I'm a couple of years behind in this franchise.

Vega  The Psycho

There's always a psycho in these games. Watch the anime adaptation and he'll be there, licking blood of his blade, laughing maniacally, and talking about how killing is fun.

I'm putting up Sekka, from the game adaptation of the Double Dragon cartoon. I don't know much about Sekka, but she has blades coming out her arms. that counts for something, right?

Fei Long The Bruce Lee

Bruce Lee is a worldwide icon...whose name and likeness is registered by his estate. Otherwise, every fighting game would have old Brucie in it. Instead, they all have some kind of Chinese, Jeet Kune Do, doing, "whooooaaaa" yelping  warriory warrior that isn't actually Bruce Lee.

I gather this character Chie from Persona is the closest any videogame has come to a female Bruce Lee. Since the character is confirmed for the Persona fighting game, I think I will favor this once. If I decide to do this feature again I will be in big fucking trouble.

Deejay The Islander

 The islander doesn't have to actually come from an island.  He just needs more pigment on his skin than most of the other fighters and  fight in Capoeira or other fluid, dance-like moves and  be overly energetic and rhythm obsessed. 

Christie Monteiro, of Tekken fame, is the only Tekken character I've taken up that I haven't felt like a complete noob playing.  So, here's Christie.

Cammy The eye candy

Capcom, seeing the sucess a fully dressed woman fighting had, quickly realized  that Sex drops quarters, and for the Super version introduced a lady in a thong leotard that grabs people with her legs.

 We could sit here all day talking about sexy fighting game females and a lot of the other ones could probably apply, but I would have to go with Ivy. There's no denying that Soul Edge's Taki and Sophitia where meant to arouse,  but Ivy was both added  later in the series, and meant to take up the sex appeal up to eleven. She'd only gotten more blatant over the years. But let's be fair: hasn't every SC woman?

Akuma: The Hype

This character is so tough, you guys. He can, like kill whatever he wants by looking at it. He just doesn't because you're playing wrong he, like enjoys the thrill of the fight and stuff.

In that context, Athena Asimiya seems most fit. An import from an older SNK non fighting game, Athena Asimiya is a Japanese schoolgirl that is somehow related to the Greek Goddess Athena. That's kind of a big deal. She's even played the role of Boss.

Bison The Boss

It's the final threat: the meanest fighter.  He will fuck your shit up.

Or she. She will fuck your shit up. Sadly, there isn't a great history of female final fiends in fighting games, so I will have to look for the licensed one: Karai. Final Boss of 2 TMNT:  Tournament Fighters, despite the logic supporting Shredder for the role. Sure enough, Karai is frustrating to defeat, overtly evil, and not the sportest fighter in the world. So just throw her like a ragdoll.

So here's my roster. What's yours? You think I should use another game as base next year. Lemme know!

The Fantasy Female Fighting game roster draft at 9:40 AM

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