Ridiculous Star Wars dreamcasting: Bounty hunters at 5:57 AM

One day people will say "I've done Star Wars" like they now say "I've done Shakespeare"

Episode VII mania is running wild! Everyone is getting asked if they'd participate! And we're several years away from it! J.J. Abrahams is totally directing it!  This obviously calls for some high level wishfull thinking, and obviously I'm the nerfherder for the job.   The problem is, well, we don't even know what characters are gonna be, and they'll probably be mostly new. What I will do is split my suggestions in character types according to Traditional SW lore.

Today we're gonna be looking at bounty hunters. As an inheritance from the  western side of star wars, bounty hunters have become a staple of the franchise, despite  a score of 0 victories. Whether they end up evil or not depends on the writer, but if there must be hired blasters, consider...

Michelle Rodriguez
 
This is a personal prefference for sure, but I kinda like Michelle Rodriguez. Don't know if I've ever let that on. But beside that, you know she'd be a shoe in for a tough Mandalorian that dies.

Ron Pearlman

Ron Pearlman has an awesome voice, and sort of looks a little ape-ish. I'd put im in ep7 in a heartbeat. Remember, with this characters your not going with Oscar wothy performances. Nice voice, vaguely threatening looks, , done deal.

Dolph Lundgren
 
Lundgren is always best as a support character. He's got the voice and the physic. Let im on!

Clancy Brown
 
Clancy Brown's   pretty good as a voice actor. If you must have a masked Bounty hunter whose face no one sees, and he's super smooth, Clancy Brown it is.

Ridiculous Star Wars dreamcasting: Bounty hunters at 5:57 AM

One day people will say "I've done Star Wars" like they now say "I've done Shakespeare"

Episode VII mania is running wild! Everyone is getting asked if they'd participate! And we're several years away from it! J.J. Abrahams is totally directing it!  This obviously calls for some high level wishfull thinking, and obviously I'm the nerfherder for the job.   The problem is, well, we don't even know what characters are gonna be, and they'll probably be mostly new. What I will do is split my suggestions in character types according to Traditional SW lore.

Today we're gonna be looking at bounty hunters. As an inheritance from the  western side of star wars, bounty hunters have become a staple of the franchise, despite  a score of 0 victories. Whether they end up evil or not depends on the writer, but if there must be hired blasters, consider...

Michelle Rodriguez
 
This is a personal prefference for sure, but I kinda like Michelle Rodriguez. Don't know if I've ever let that on. But beside that, you know she'd be a shoe in for a tough Mandalorian that dies.

Ron Pearlman

Ron Pearlman has an awesome voice, and sort of looks a little ape-ish. I'd put im in ep7 in a heartbeat. Remember, with this characters your not going with Oscar wothy performances. Nice voice, vaguely threatening looks, , done deal.

Dolph Lundgren
 
Lundgren is always best as a support character. He's got the voice and the physic. Let im on!

Clancy Brown
 
Clancy Brown's   pretty good as a voice actor. If you must have a masked Bounty hunter whose face no one sees, and he's super smooth, Clancy Brown it is.

Ridiculous Star Wars VII dreamcasting: Young Stars at 10:34 AM

Face it...that's how it's gonna be

  Episode VII mania is running wild! Everyone is getting asked if they'd participate! And we're several years away from it!  This obviously calls for some high level wishfull thinking, and obviously I'm the nerfherder for the job.   The problem is, well, we don't even know what characters are gonna be, and they'll probably be mostly new. What I will do is split my suggestions in character types according to Traditional SW lore.

Today we're gonna be looking at young leads. Let's face it: our dream of a SW movie starring Jean Claude Van Damme is dead. But if I had to guess I'd say the movie will star an comer or two, probably as archetypes such as "Jedi" and "Princess". If they only where...

Alexa Vega

The Spy Kids star din't magically grow into an adult a few weeks ago because we saw her in a metal bikini: she also starred in the cult favorite Repo the Genetic Opera.

There Alexa did play well the role of a naive young character just struggling to undertand a hard situation. It's basically what this character would do.

Donald Glover
 
Hey, people are saying Donald should play Spider-Man for no reason, but for my money It'd be better if he's getting a role to make his own in a well known franchise. Can't be Anthony Mackie: He's locked up with the Marvel movies.

Anna Popplewell

On of the stars of the Narnia franchise, Anna would be my choice to star in the movie version of Fighting Hero of the Galaxy. But since we've still to lockdown a director/get a movie deal/ship a gajillion copies, I'll let her star in this instead.

James Deehan
 
If  this year's sleeper hit Chronicle had a breakout star it was James Deehan as the tortured soul/asshole with superpowers. I'm not just saying it because he pushed stuff with his mind: He's somewhat not too freshed-faced to not be tortured and not so beat up that he's too old for it.

Some Newguy

My top choice so far, Some Newguy is probably more obscure than all of this...yet more likely to star.

Ridiculous Star Wars VII dreamcasting: Young Stars at 10:34 AM

Face it...that's how it's gonna be

  Episode VII mania is running wild! Everyone is getting asked if they'd participate! And we're several years away from it!  This obviously calls for some high level wishfull thinking, and obviously I'm the nerfherder for the job.   The problem is, well, we don't even know what characters are gonna be, and they'll probably be mostly new. What I will do is split my suggestions in character types according to Traditional SW lore.

Today we're gonna be looking at young leads. Let's face it: our dream of a SW movie starring Jean Claude Van Damme is dead. But if I had to guess I'd say the movie will star an comer or two, probably as archetypes such as "Jedi" and "Princess". If they only where...

Alexa Vega

The Spy Kids star din't magically grow into an adult a few weeks ago because we saw her in a metal bikini: she also starred in the cult favorite Repo the Genetic Opera.

There Alexa did play well the role of a naive young character just struggling to undertand a hard situation. It's basically what this character would do.

Donald Glover
 
Hey, people are saying Donald should play Spider-Man for no reason, but for my money It'd be better if he's getting a role to make his own in a well known franchise. Can't be Anthony Mackie: He's locked up with the Marvel movies.

Anna Popplewell

On of the stars of the Narnia franchise, Anna would be my choice to star in the movie version of Fighting Hero of the Galaxy. But since we've still to lockdown a director/get a movie deal/ship a gajillion copies, I'll let her star in this instead.

James Deehan
 
If  this year's sleeper hit Chronicle had a breakout star it was James Deehan as the tortured soul/asshole with superpowers. I'm not just saying it because he pushed stuff with his mind: He's somewhat not too freshed-faced to not be tortured and not so beat up that he's too old for it.

Some Newguy

My top choice so far, Some Newguy is probably more obscure than all of this...yet more likely to star.

Star Wars Episode VII wish list at 12:13 PM

Am I late to the Star Wars Episode VII  speculation madness? Maybe. I'll just have to deduct this last 7 days from the next 3 years, huh?

It's crazy that it's been less than a month and we've already got 2 rumored directors, Mathew Vaughn and Some Other Guy. At this point Ep 7 is a formless mass in the future, and we feel we could shape it somehow by projecting our ideas into the web vacuum, even though it's  unlikely. Still, I am not immune, so here's a grab bag of my random wishes. So please...

Let Neil Blomkamp direct

And if he WAS racist, that's just perfect for Star Wars anyway.

Every fanboy out there is trying to rope up the bigger names in nerd franchises, because they think JJ Abraham's is about to drop out of Star Trek just for this and Christopher Nolan is willing to direct every single genre movie. Personally, I would much rather get District 9 director Neil Blomkamp. Watch Alive at Jorburg and tell me otherwise.

Blomkamp's visual style is what Star Wars was missing with the prequels\s ubberclean greenscreen rooms. Sure, D9 wasn't exactly the most original story ever, but if that's what you expect from Ep 7, then you need to ground your expectations a little.

Let Michelle Rodriguez have a part in it

She's not scared! She just wanted to know what it felt like!

Michelle Rodrguez is awesome. I don't think I should elaborate more on that. And if there's a part for a rough character woman in ther, Michelle should have it. Boy, did you just search your feelings? You know this shit be true!

Again, you're not shooting  some fancy Oscar bait film, here.  Michelle Rodriguez as a bounty hunter.

Let there be some kind of new Jedi type weapons

No, it's not a Swastika...I think.

The creation of new iconography is as important as the usage of the old one.  The Prequels found some  early success in this are with Darth Maul, and never did top it.

As iconic as the Lightsabres are, they are merely placeholders for actual swords. In this sense, other types of weapons should be given the same general treatmen. Dai-Katana, Halberds, lances, shields. Do not limit yourselves to what already exists. Since Star Wars is essentially Samurai and Cowboys in space, let's put some Kung Fu into that, huh?

Let there be less lightabre duels...but let those be meaningfull

Whoa! CG Yoda vs CG Cristpher Lee!

Again, Lightsabers are sort of important to Star Wars. But their usage should be tempered.

Each character should have a style of their own, according to their personality. They shouldn't just be whacking away at each other. Darth Maul, again, created a space for himself in the lore, but there isn't much to like him besides the aesthetics. Then again...Bobba Fett.

Let the story NOT follow Skywalker's kids.

Let's do this quick, boys. I left my shift at the construction site and my boss is a dick..

Dear Disney: If you can't do better than the Expanded Universe, then don't do nothing. Or do so anyway, make money, and have me pay for it. Either way I don't want to see the next generation of Lukes and Leias. Follow a new group of leads. They don't have to spiritually be sequels to Luke and Leia anyway.

If Original Trilogy  characters or their spawn must be in, let them be support for the new characters.

Let it not be overhyped...too late!

The problem with Star War is everyone feels they know it, and it's grown into more than what it originally was...some adventure movies. The new movies can't reach the beholden status of those. If you shoot for that, you will never reach it.

Well, see you guys in 2015. I'm sure It's the last time I'll be talking about this subject.

Star Wars Episode VII wish list at 12:13 PM

Am I late to the Star Wars Episode VII  speculation madness? Maybe. I'll just have to deduct this last 7 days from the next 3 years, huh?

It's crazy that it's been less than a month and we've already got 2 rumored directors, Mathew Vaughn and Some Other Guy. At this point Ep 7 is a formless mass in the future, and we feel we could shape it somehow by projecting our ideas into the web vacuum, even though it's  unlikely. Still, I am not immune, so here's a grab bag of my random wishes. So please...

Let Neil Blomkamp direct

And if he WAS racist, that's just perfect for Star Wars anyway.

Every fanboy out there is trying to rope up the bigger names in nerd franchises, because they think JJ Abraham's is about to drop out of Star Trek just for this and Christopher Nolan is willing to direct every single genre movie. Personally, I would much rather get District 9 director Neil Blomkamp. Watch Alive at Jorburg and tell me otherwise.

Blomkamp's visual style is what Star Wars was missing with the prequels\s ubberclean greenscreen rooms. Sure, D9 wasn't exactly the most original story ever, but if that's what you expect from Ep 7, then you need to ground your expectations a little.

7 Simpsons games I want to play at 1:10 PM

Still Better than Bart vs the Space Mutants

The Simpsons and videogames have a rich history together. I mean, not from videogames of the Simpsons, mind you. Those have been 80% garbage.  But of Videogames in the Simpsons.

 So with more than 20 years of gags, videogames where bound to come up more than a couple of times for America's favorite yellow skinned  family. But whether they're throwaway gags or key part of the plot, here are some Simpsons Videogames I want to play.

But don't JUST read this, guys. We live in an amazing era where tools for making most types of games can be found for at least cheap and often free.  Litterally all of this games can be realized, one way or another. Sure, someone out there is fan enough and crazy enough to bring at least one of this screaming into the real world. I mean, I know it's lazy to ask, but...I'm lazy. Give me...

Dash Dingo

Crikey!

Dash Dingo is an arcade Platformer, a parody of Crash Bandicoot, itself an obvious ripoff of Sonic the Hedgehog, itself a hodgepodge mix of Dragonball an Felix the Cat with a little Star Wars in there. It(Uh...Dash Dingo I mean) first shows up in the episode "Lisa gets an A"

While Videogames depicted in the Simpsons are usually not realistic depictions of gaming, Dash's eternal grimace is a love letter to badly animated early PS1 games everywhere. It even gets Crash's ultra cheap instadeaths!

Timewaster

It's own...fucking...wikia page...

Nothing is known about Timewaster. It is an arcade game in the background of a few episodes. But it's such a good name it needs to exist somehow.

Could it be some type of bullethell sidecrolling shooter about a time traveler? Or maybe it's about a murderous antropomorphic clock? Hopefully it's better than Time Killers if it does, though. Piece of crap....



Mortank Kombat

I'm just wondering if this is some commentary on Tianmen Square or not...

The Episode "Marge Be Not Proud" is one of the most game centric one of them all, with Bart's obssession with  Mortal Kombat Knockoff Bonestorm.

I am not going to talk about Bonestorm. 2 crazy Shokan beating the tar out of each other while bones rain down on them? Played it. But I will draw our attention to  it's advert.

The Ad has two kids who are bored to tears with their current videogame, until XTREME SANTA breaks  through the wall, and shoots Bonestorm in to their console with a bazooka.

But what where they playing that was so boring? A game (I've dubbed it as you have read, as it has no name and I'm not nearly as creative as I should be) that has Liu Kang, of Mortal Kombat fame, fight a tank! A TANK! With his fists and feet!

 This is a parody of a fighting game done by a parody of a fighitng game ad, and this is what it's saying you find  boring? What's the MUGEN comunity good for if not making ridiculous one second gags into full products?

 Death Kill City 2: Death Kill City Stories

A baseball bat AND a tire iron?

Acronymed DKC2: DKS, the true gameplay of this game is somewhat difficult to understand. It most certainly is a parody of Grand Theft Auto and it's ilk, with random violence errupting (a robot is fighting a hoodlum when a pink female ninja kills them both, and it's never clear which of the three is being played by anyone) in the titular city eventually only ended after all life on earth  is erradicated, marking THE end of level 1.

It's a cute gag, but I wonder what level 2 is like? I don't want to wonder, just give it to me!

Larry the Looter

Larry the Looter is a sidescrolling action game. As the titular malcontent, you must vandalize and rob until what I assume is some kind of ending, playing to, or perhaps lampooning, videogamer obssessions with collectathons. Why didn't Rockstart come up with that one? Why don't you?

Sure, we have plenty of open world games where you can shoot prostitutes, but we don't have a game explicitely for stealing useless material trappings outside of the Elder Scroll series(wait, that's how everyone plays it, right?)


Cat Fight

My dad never bought my affection....sob...

Cat Fight is a one on one fighitng game featuring an assumedly mostly female cast. Gameplay eschews tried and true tropes and tactics  of the genre like air juggles and combos, and instead  assumes a more realistic take on what women fighting actually looks like: Mostly hairpulls, scratches, slaps, and name-calling.

Well, the DLC would be crazy, that's for sure.

I mean, I've played plenty of female only fighting games, but none of them have presented me with an interesting mechanic for hairpulling!  It would be the most inventive game in the genre since Divekick got a publisher! I would just HAVE to dedicate it a spot on Fighitng Female February next year for sure!

7 Simpsons games I want to play at 1:10 PM

Still Better than Bart vs the Space Mutants

The Simpsons and videogames have a rich history together. I mean, not from videogames of the Simpsons, mind you. Those have been 80% garbage.  But of Videogames in the Simpsons.

 So with more than 20 years of gags, videogames where bound to come up more than a couple of times for America's favorite yellow skinned  family. But whether they're throwaway gags or key part of the plot, here are some Simpsons Videogames I want to play.

But don't JUST read this, guys. We live in an amazing era where tools for making most types of games can be found for at least cheap and often free.  Litterally all of this games can be realized, one way or another. Sure, someone out there is fan enough and crazy enough to bring at least one of this screaming into the real world. I mean, I know it's lazy to ask, but...I'm lazy. Give me...

Dash Dingo

Crikey!

Dash Dingo is an arcade Platformer, a parody of Crash Bandicoot, itself an obvious ripoff of Sonic the Hedgehog, itself a hodgepodge mix of Dragonball an Felix the Cat with a little Star Wars in there. It(Uh...Dash Dingo I mean) first shows up in the episode "Lisa gets an A"

While Videogames depicted in the Simpsons are usually not realistic depictions of gaming, Dash's eternal grimace is a love letter to badly animated early PS1 games everywhere. It even gets Crash's ultra cheap instadeaths!

Timewaster

It's own...fucking...wikia page...

Nothing is known about Timewaster. It is an arcade game in the background of a few episodes. But it's such a good name it needs to exist somehow.

Could it be some type of bullethell sidecrolling shooter about a time traveler? Or maybe it's about a murderous antropomorphic clock? Hopefully it's better than Time Killers if it does, though. Piece of crap....



Mortank Kombat

I'm just wondering if this is some commentary on Tianmen Square or not...

The Episode "Marge Be Not Proud" is one of the most game centric one of them all, with Bart's obssession with  Mortal Kombat Knockoff Bonestorm.

I am not going to talk about Bonestorm. 2 crazy Shokan beating the tar out of each other while bones rain down on them? Played it. But I will draw our attention to  it's advert.

The Ad has two kids who are bored to tears with their current videogame, until XTREME SANTA breaks  through the wall, and shoots Bonestorm in to their console with a bazooka.

But what where they playing that was so boring? A game (I've dubbed it as you have read, as it has no name and I'm not nearly as creative as I should be) that has Liu Kang, of Mortal Kombat fame, fight a tank! A TANK! With his fists and feet!

 This is a parody of a fighting game done by a parody of a fighitng game ad, and this is what it's saying you find  boring? What's the MUGEN comunity good for if not making ridiculous one second gags into full products?

 Death Kill City 2: Death Kill City Stories

A baseball bat AND a tire iron?

Acronymed DKC2: DKS, the true gameplay of this game is somewhat difficult to understand. It most certainly is a parody of Grand Theft Auto and it's ilk, with random violence errupting (a robot is fighting a hoodlum when a pink female ninja kills them both, and it's never clear which of the three is being played by anyone) in the titular city eventually only ended after all life on earth  is erradicated, marking THE end of level 1.

It's a cute gag, but I wonder what level 2 is like? I don't want to wonder, just give it to me!

Larry the Looter

Larry the Looter is a sidescrolling action game. As the titular malcontent, you must vandalize and rob until what I assume is some kind of ending, playing to, or perhaps lampooning, videogamer obssessions with collectathons. Why didn't Rockstart come up with that one? Why don't you?

Sure, we have plenty of open world games where you can shoot prostitutes, but we don't have a game explicitely for stealing useless material trappings outside of the Elder Scroll series(wait, that's how everyone plays it, right?)


Cat Fight

My dad never bought my affection....sob...

Cat Fight is a one on one fighitng game featuring an assumedly mostly female cast. Gameplay eschews tried and true tropes and tactics  of the genre like air juggles and combos, and instead  assumes a more realistic take on what women fighting actually looks like: Mostly hairpulls, scratches, slaps, and name-calling.

Well, the DLC would be crazy, that's for sure.

I mean, I've played plenty of female only fighting games, but none of them have presented me with an interesting mechanic for hairpulling!  It would be the most inventive game in the genre since Divekick got a publisher! I would just HAVE to dedicate it a spot on Fighitng Female February next year for sure!