Horrendous Theory: Wanted is Star Wars at 6:16 AM

Everybody's talking 'bout Star Wars. Which, is, you know, to be expected. Either because it's  an attractive topic for those looking for a few clicks or  because it's just in the air.

Google Image search, do your magicks!

Put me down  for that last one. Even though I Am  doing a boicott of the last movie on account of Disney Copyright bullshit, I would not pretend to say I won't TALK about it. I read things. I...I've already been spoiled, as you'd expect.

One thing that came up is a Cracked article calling out Obi Wan and Yoda for trying to get Luke to kill his own father unknowingly. And the first thing that reminded me is Wanted.

Wanted is based on a comic by Mark Millar, in that it has the same title as it. The book is intrinsically drenched in comic book references and told of a world where supervillains secretly ruled the world, whereas the movie is about a guy who joins an order of assassins and can shoot bullets in an arc, probably because suits thought comic book shit wouldn't connect with audiences.

HISTORY PROVING YOU WRONG, COMING THROUGH!

Or is that the reason? As much of as a  "child's perception of mature" as Millar's overall aproach to stories can come in, I do believe that maybe Wanted's dropping the comic book super hero conventions of it's source material does not owe entirely to the financial cold feet companies USED to get when considering Men-In-Tights-And-Capes antics, but rather, to a change of medium.

Much like Watchmen, a through skewering of comic conventions since mostly abandoned would not have proven a wise course for Wanted The Movie, creatively. A change of medium required a change of target to skewer, and it is my theory that the target in Wanted's case was the Star Wars series.

Oh, sure, the threads that initially tie both stories can be surmised to be the result of these being common, studied tropes that Hollywood now has down to a science. Both start with a guy who's down on his luck, Luke because he's living in a rural desert and yearns for something more, typical teenager, stuff while Wanted Man has more adult problems such medical problems, cheating girlfriends, and having a job typing stuff.

This guy was supposed to play Eminem playing a Supervillain.

Both characters eventually are roped into the knowledge that they are more than the total losers they thought they where, as they discover that through their paternal lineage they have earned great abilities and a great destiny. In Luke's case, he is the son of a great Jedi, of an ancient order of mystic space knights who follow an unseen, mysterious...THING known as the Force, and inherits his father's weapon. In Wanted, James McCavoy discovers his father was part of an order of superpowered assassins that kill targets given to them by a Loom of fate, which is implied to be all wise despite, you know, being a loom.

So far, this is all Hero's Journey shit. You can't pin it on Wanted for following a formula!

But then it goes deeper. Both Luke and McCavoy-Man have an antagonist, in the form of a man who killed their father. This man, in both instances, turns out to have been his father all along.

This is where both stories diverge. Where Luke goes on to face a conflict and eventually redeem his father not through martial might but through the power of love, Wanted's hero winds up killing his, and then immediately being jumped by the people who had pretended to lead him out of the doldrums.

The Fraternity of Assassins turns out to have been corrupt all along, with it's leader, the mentorly Morgan Freeman(is there any other kind?), revealing that he had stopped listening the the Loom of Fate because it started saying that He and his assassin buddies had to die. James McCavoy kills most of them, Angelina Jolie kills herself to end the others. A smug James McCavoy sends us out of the movie by asking what we've done with our lives. Uh...not joined a cult that tricked me into killing my father, McAvoy. Uh...writing a lot.

Getting by, you know. Trying to build an arcade cabinet, not letting Chris Pratt and Common play me like a chump.

So this movie may kind of have been secretly brilliant. It takes the most famous adventure story series  and hangs it out to dry, exposing the idea of a Star Wars' hero's journey that is flawed and guided by lies told by trustworthy  elderly men. In this one, "The Force" wanted to get rid of the very guys who used it, which, as you may know, is a personal theory of mine.

It would not surprise me of the man who considers Lois Lane not Superman's Jane Porter, but Superman's Cheetah, that he wanted to take such an approach to Star Wars. But if my theory is theory is correct, then it's a reference that flew too subtle for most audiences. You can't parody a space opera without the space part, you goof! But the timelines certainly add up. This movie was released 2 years after Revenge of the Sith, which is enough time for Millar to sit down and think about Star Wars enough to wind up deconstructing it to shit and for that idea to somehow saunter into cinemas.


Or, you know, maybe I'm sleep deprived and everyone is talking about Star Wars too much. I'll  let you decide.

What did Youtube think this says? at 5:22 PM

Jesus, even Youtube's speech is recognition is like "You know what Mel Gibson would say? Something really racist."

5 ways in which Cyborg will suck as bad as Steel at 9:24 AM

I don't envy you, kid. Except your charming good looks and your money and that you get to play a superhero, and you're a shoe in for an Obama Biopic.

Ah, yes, once again DC/WB had announced  a bunch of movies, and like a kid saying he'll be a rockstar one day, you have to humor the idea that, even if you know in your heart you've heard the same flights of fancy from others, who are currently flipping burgers. You just don't have the heart to tell DC it's more likely to end up sweeping floors than it is to make a Wonder Woman movie.

If I know my DC it'll be back to just Batman in no time (and occasionally Supes getting a reboot), but let's play their game. Sure, you plan to have  2 DC films a year ,yeah, whatever. Green Lantern and everything.

But most baffling of all of those is Cyborg. Dc HAS been trying to push the character to the forefront as of this last few years. He's on the new 52 Justice League, and also features in a big way on recent DVD and game based affairs.

And he was also in a pretty popular cartoon over 10 years ago. But you all knew that.

It's not the first time DC has tried to get hype for a black tech based superheroe. Years ago, shortly after Superman did his little tango with death, a character rose from the ashes of synergy. Steel. He was my favorite. When I read Steel had a movie coming out, I thought it was great. But I had THIS guy in mind.

I always wondered how he managed to move the face, though.

Instead, I ran across THIS in my local Blockbuster.

His helmet was like the movie...they both flopped.

Now, I know it was a different time, where DC movies where slightly more likely to be supershitty and slightly more likely to exist(but not too much, either). But I feel Cyborg is gonna end up being closer to Steel than it will be to The Dark Knight. It's not just because they both star a black Superhero. Buuut...

5)  A Black Superhero

No movie for you!

Well, it's not that making a movie about a black superhero is harder than anything. There's some good black superheroes out there, who just need their story told right.

 It's just that, historically, they've never been done right. But right as in "anyone would watch it, even if they didn't have some kind of ban against White People stuff".
 

Or maybe you have some counter-examples?

Sadly, Steel had to rely on being a "Black" movie, with gangbanger enemies, a chika-chicka 70s soundtrack , and an obvious blaxploitation feel. This is gonna be one of the challenges of Cyborg because...

4) The character's worth depends on other characters.

Seriously, Cyborg's not even the most interesting Titan

So let's say I'm not heavilly invested in DC comics of today. In fact, I'm not. All I know from Cyborg is what I know from the Teen Titans the cartoon(he's a cyborg and likes yelling Booyah!)

Sell me Cyborg. What are his enemies? What makes him special? What makes him likable?

I suspect Cyborg is at his peak in the Teen Titans. He's got attachments,  there, relations, stories. Just like Steel.

Steel's very origins where related to Superman. That's where he was at his most interesting. Otherwise he was just a black Ironman.

Which is one of the things where the movie goes wrong. Shaquille O'neil as a low ass budget Tony Stark? Come on!

Again, Cy-Hards, let me know if Cyborg has some great villains and stories waiting to be  brought to screen. Otherwise, he, too might just end up saving the 'hood from a gun dealer operating out of  an arcade.

3) The Tone is compromised

Not even Michael Jordan could have saved this tripe.

Steel the movie could never be like Steel the comic. No way with a budget like it had. The changes to it's source are mostly traceable to "not enough money." Even if it had had intentions of being the best possible movie starring the (other) Man of Steel...money wasn't enough for Flying.

Cyborg faces similar problems, but money's no object this time. For you see, Cyborg is being set up in next year's Batman V Superman.

For the record, here's Smallville's low budget Cyborg.

Whatever they're gonna do in 2020 depends heavilly on what the character is set up as in Batman vs Superman and in the Justice League movie. If that movie has Cyborg as a wise ass clown, or boring and generic the solo movie's director won't be able to turn him into the next Wolverine.

And what exactly will be set up, with Wonder Woman, The Suicide Squad, and Flash and Aquaman all also being set up? Is it like when they set up Hawkeye is a human who shoots arrows in Thor?

2) DC is bad at cinematic universe building, Solo movies.

"In my planet, liking fried chicken is totally a white people stereotype."

DC's terrible record at making movies that aren't Batman and Superman is well earned. But a large part of that comes from spinning of secondary and tertiary characters into their own movies. Because as long as we're not leaving our comfort zones(Gotham and Metropolis), we might as well dredge up some of the unexplored characters from there.

This is how we ended up with Catwoman, Supergirl, and yes, Steel.  All these characters suffer from #4, and their movies are a testimony to that.

It might take some universe building, Marvel style, to get people into  Cyborg. Or rather, the opposite of Marvel: try to use a team up to promote a single character. Their attempts to initiate a united universe have gone straight to hell so far, unless the Justice League movie they have coming up is called Justice League : Mortal and The Suicide Squad's Amanda Waller is played by Angela Basset.

If you're a betting man right now, money's good on them screwing up  something that's both of the things they can't  ever do right.

1) You can't do the Marvel, DC

We don't roll our eyes when Marvel announces their Captain Marvel movie, DC.

Franchises everywhere want in on the Marvel thing, from Universal Monsters to Robin Hood. As always, Hollywood studio heads completely misunderstand the very basics of what makes something a success.

Marvel's first couple of movies only had little hints at a larger universe. They also happened to be mostly good-to-great  movies about characters  who where not as popular as the X-MENs and Spider-Mans of the world.

A Mediocre Batman movie is already a half won battle. Millions of people in the world who only know what movies say through Subtitles, millions who'd never Wiki-binge the Dc pages or pick up a comic, know Batman and are willing to give him money.

Getting people to shell out a Bunch of money for Guardians of the Galaxy takes something WB  didn't sure as hell put into Jonah Hex.

WB didn't put any heart into Steel. If they successfully put as much heart into Cyborg  as much as they did Steel, and history so far says that's likely, then obviously it's poised to be the next Steel.

If it ever gets off the ground, that is. If you can actually go through with a plan to make a movie in 5 years, I'll eat my hat. That I'll have in 5 years

Unlicenced Lawyer : Van Damme's Guile at 9:46 AM

There once was a time, then a Street Fighter movie did not exist. Not a single one. There were not enough cartoons and animes and comics about Street Fighter to fill a Wikia. There was no Alpha, no Ex, no "Assassin's Fist" and certainly no "VS Tekken". There was only "2", 12 characters whose lives as far as we knew revolved solely around hurting each other in.

Ok, there might have been some.

In that world, full of optimism and potential, the announcement of a Street Fighter movie did exist. Back then, we weren't "tired" of remakes and adaptations(I guess with the record breaking millions these adaptations are making now, you could argue our tiredness can only carry us so far.) A Street Fighter movie was not a horrible suggestion: it was the alternative to no Street Fighter movie.

So the movie was made in 1994. They made some...choices with it. Some of those choices do not sit well with the most hardcore fans, who's clinging to a "sola interactiva" philosophy is as commendable as it is ill advised.

"They ruined T. Hawk!" yelled no one.

There's plenty of deviations that I would not have done, should this have been MY Street Fighter movie. As many, the 20 years since have mellowed my views on it, perhaps nostalgia catching hold, but that doesn't mean we can't have a better version. However, I am here to speak on behalf of one of the movies most fought about elements, it's lead character  Guile, played by Jean Claude Van Damme.

It's easy to see why they would be angry. Of all the National charicatures in Street FIghter, Guile is easilly the harder to screw up: A big, American military man. Why they went with a guy with a heavy Brussels accent, we might never know. We do suspect it having to do with getting a big name in there. Yeah, they where obviously only thinking about only the almighty dollar. But what do we know about Guile? Well, he looks like this.

Wait a minute: American military, huge muscles...early 90s... things that were popular... people with jowls and pronounced chins...

If you think about it, it makes sense to think that, when trying to represent an "American" martial arts/stock character, Capcom's designers would look at what was popular in American Cinema, and nothing was more popular than Arnold at the time. You can accuse Capcom of being ripoff artists, and you'd be right about that. But not only where they not the only ones, but they where pretty good at it, too. They put John Matrix in the hair of some nazi guy from Jojo's Bizarre Adventure and then boom! New character.

In this sense, Jean Claude Van Damme is the perfect choice for Guile:  a thickly accented action movie star. There's no way they would have gotten Arnold at the height of his career to play a big, cartoony setting like this, at a time where he was selling movies for himself. And besides, as far as having someone  doing stuff like this:

It makes sense to bring in a guy who can do stuff like this:

I say we have all been a bit unfair to Street Fighter: The Movie in this sense. Now, was giving Van Damme a moving speech a bad idea? Maybe. Was making his pants blue instead of Green a betrayal of SF cannon? Perhaps. Should The Boxer have been working for Bison and the Russian Guy have not been? Definitively.  Is the movie perfect? No. Is Van Damme the Worst Possible Guile? Not on your life, bud.

Now, who wants to hear about how I think Charlie should be played by Tom Cruise?

You know I'm right!

6 things that Robocop (2014) can't be worse than at 9:57 AM

Did...did I leave my symbolism at home?

Robocop and I have a history. I was 4 years old when we first met. Before I knew to answer to my teacher what color the cat was(oddly enough, "orange". and not my estimated "yellowish stripes, variedly dark), or what went after 1989, I knew the tale of  Alex Murphy, a cop from the future that was killed and came back as a better cop (because this time he was a more Robo.)

So I'm in a perfect position to say that this year's Robocop starring Michael Kinnaman and directed by Jose Padilhla, will completely destroy the foundations of my childhood, If only because I've more respect for Peter Weller in a robot suit than I have for most strangers. I will not claim that. Asides from common remake arguments like "I don't have to watch it" or " I don't have the money to watch it", "seriously, where the hell are my priorities?" I don't feel  a movie as strong as Robocop (1987) can be destroyed by ill conceived by products that Paul Verhoeven has nothing to do with.  If it was so, it would have happened a long time ago, and perhaps it would have happened when they made...:

1)The Sequels

"What do you mean the warranty doesn't cover this?

If kid me had been asked how many sequels Robocop should have had, I'd have probably simply laid out some kind of bi-weekly Robocop sequel program while drooling all over my Super Mario Bros 2 shirt. If it'd been suggested one of these movies would have had Robocop fight robot ninjas and robot druggies and have a jetpack and an arm cannon, I'd have had a seizure, because I like all those things and they're putting them in Robocop. Okay, not the druggies, but they're bad guys, so it's awesome.

But older me's grown to appreciate the non-robot parts of the film. Paul Verhoeven's greatest success was making a movie that's a different kind of awesome as you get older. It works as a satire, yet it  can be seen  played straight. It's hockey and ridiculous and Robocop moves very silly, but the subtlety with which it handles things is incredible.  But the sequels did not fully grasp that, and in fact,  I might as well say that none of the following articles in this list did.  The studios had their  cash cow, and the milking was to be sloppy and careless, especially after the third movie. Wait...

2)The OTHER sequels

DROPITUDROPITUDROPITUDROPITUDROPIT

Like most action franchises in the 80's that met with success, Robocop continued to limp along long after it's earned goodwill had been spent by doing low budget sequels that never went to theaters. The Robocop franchise had 4 sequels that went straight to television as part of a miniseries Prime Directives. They don't even have Robocop in the titles, so you might be pleasantly watching "Dark Justice"  and suddenly, hey Robocop is in this!

Man, that second season of Mortal Kombat Legacy was shitty.

In this series Robocop battles foes like "Robocable"(which is neither a cyborg television service provider nor related to the convoluted X-Men character Cable who is  himself already part robot.) and "The Bone Machine"(which is not what the ladies call me...yet...) on his way to stop a techno organic virus. Essentially, Prime Directives makes the theater sequels look like well thought out extensions to the original stories.

A Technovirus...just like Cable...

If you want to know how close this is in spirit to the original movie after  reading that, I'll let you know the actor who plays Robocop made sure not to watch it, and made up his own idea of how Robocop should move, and that since the makers did not have the rights to the movies themselves, they have a strict "I don't know if this is tied to the Robocop movies at all." policy.

Man, Robocop don't belong in Television!



3) The Television series

But I'd be lying if I said I didn't watch all this crap as a kid.

Running Robocop by television standards is a tricky business. Violence is central to the plot and plentiful, and this is a dirty corrupt world of drugs, theft and prostitution. In television, apparently sometimes you can't say 'asshole'. But "artistic integrity" is not something you can put into an offshore bank account, and so they commissioned the creation of a Robocop TV series.

Filmed in the gritty streets of Toronto, the TV series differs from the movies, in the same way a machine washable tiger plushy is different from a panther. Actually ignoring several events from the movies, the show gave Murphy several "upgrades" that allowed him to take down foes like "Puddleface" without killing them. Not for nothing, but the guy who took out the arm cannon and put in a net gun, a zipline and ground anchors needs to be fired.

So this year when your watching new-Robocop go into "social mode", remember that Robocop hasn't really been rated R since 1993. How many years is this? Defanged of it's violence and wiped  clean of it's satire, Robocop is essentially a cartoon character.

4) The Cartoons

By tricking the FCC they could pass this half an hour commercials as educational.

Robocop is not for kids. My mom trusted me to watch it, and I was a pretty mature toddler, but basically it's not for kids. However, Robocop has 2 robots, which nets you points with precocious theater- sneaking punks.

So naturally, this violent ballade about a guy who gets shot a million times and comes back as a robot to basically avenge himself, was repackaged for children's animation twice.

But just how do you sanitize Robocop even further? Well, lemme put it this way: remember Clarence Bodicker, one of the men who killed Murphy and won our hearts with his disdain of bitches? What was his state at the end of the movie? Brutally killed, you say? Because the cartoon was so tame, he isn't even allowed to be brutally dead offscreen, and makes a comeback.

Ladies, leave!

Understand: Robocop kid's merchandise was not an oddity or an exception during the 80s. Robocop toys were on stores, and nobody laughed at the idea of a candy dispenser shapes as the upper half of Robocop. I got one, and you could actually remove it's helmet to watch an unpainted likeness of Peter Weller's agonized face as you ate your sweet chalk pellets. Robocop was  a hot commodity.

But that can't explain  the other cartoon. Ditching the "Not too distant future" setting for a "really far into the future" one, Robocop: Alpha Commando was released in 1998 to coincide with absolutely no other Robocop product. In it, a reactivated and Upgraded Murphy battles one of those stupid acronym happy terrorist organizations. Upgraded here means "retrofitted with stupidly huge arms that can shoot paste." Indeed, Robocop does not shoot anyone in the face, because he's got skis that come out of his feet and an aggravating robot voice that announces each item just before he draws it out. I'd say he was basically Inspector Gadget, but this one's incompetence was not an endearing trait.

"I do not know what the whole 'legs day' thing is about."

You know it's bad just from the intro, where the lyrics are merely different tones of 'Robocop', like they meant to add something about how cool he is like every other cartoon intro,  left  it like that until they can come up with something that rhymes with "cop"("Robocop! He can...hop? He likes...mops?") but then they remembered they didn't care about anything. This was the last animated show MGM ever did, probably because new limits of suckage  established by the FCC in the late 1990s. Er...citation needed.

5) The Videogame.

Well, I wasn't going to buy it until I learnt Robocop might 'interact' with animals.

There are plenty of videogames about Robocop, mostly concerning his movies and that time he had to shoot the Terminator. But those games exist in a time where to make a videogame all you needed was a license and a handful of Japanese coders.

But when a Robocop game got announced for the original Xbox in 2002, the standards had gone up. After all, the technology to display shiny helmets and a sorta  story was now at their fingertips.

IT SHOULD BE FUN!

The game was a first-person-shooter and had Murphy stop a new drug from ravaging the streets, with his own version of D.A.R.E. (which in this case means "Dudes assault Robocop then end") Despite the franchise and genre being a match made in heaven, the game was strictly programmed in hell. Much like "Alpha Commando", the game's mercenary hunger to catched that Robocop zeitgeist was made much more obvious by the fact  there wasn't really any zeitgeist to capitalize on at the time. Try jumping out of the bush at a stranger and yelling Robocop at random moments. That's what this game was. Also, don't try what I just told you.


6) The Comics

What, no pouches? Early 90's Marvel I am disappoint.

Marvel produced an early 90's series of comics that followed on the original stories from the movies. Did you know that Roboco's original designs where not done by that guy that Clarence Bodikker killed, but rather by another crazier scientist and he stole it? Did you know he made robot monkeys to fight Robocop? Well did you? Of course not. Marvel had to ship a book every month that said Robocop on the cover and reenacting scenes from the movie would probably only get you so far. So not only did Marvel get creative with Robocop's future, but past as well.  Oh, and there's a new drug on the market, and Robocop must stop it. Man, that one never gets old.


Off course, if you like Robocop, you're already writing that you knew all this stuff, and among you there must be some of the kind of people who would bemoan a blander, PG 13 remake of Robocop, and regard it as sacrilegious heresy . If you fall into that part of the Venn diagram, answer truthfully: how bad would it have to be to be worse than all this?

You have 15 seconds to comply.

6 things that Robocop (2014) can't be worse than at 9:57 AM

Did...did I leave my symbolism at home?

Robocop and I have a history. I was 4 years old when we first met. Before I knew to answer to my teacher what color the cat was(oddly enough, "orange". and not my estimated "yellowish stripes, variedly dark), or what went after 1989, I knew the tale of  Alex Murphy, a cop from the future that was killed and came back as a better cop (because this time he was a more Robo.)

So I'm in a perfect position to say that this year's Robocop starring Michael Kinnaman and directed by Jose Padilhla, will completely destroy the foundations of my childhood, If only because I've more respect for Peter Weller in a robot suit than I have for most strangers. I will not claim that. Asides from common remake arguments like "I don't have to watch it" or " I don't have the money to watch it", "seriously, where the hell are my priorities?" I don't feel  a movie as strong as Robocop (1987) can be destroyed by ill conceived by products that Paul Verhoeven has nothing to do with.  If it was so, it would have happened a long time ago, and perhaps it would have happened when they made...:

1)The Sequels

"What do you mean the warranty doesn't cover this?

If kid me had been asked how many sequels Robocop should have had, I'd have probably simply laid out some kind of bi-weekly Robocop sequel program while drooling all over my Super Mario Bros 2 shirt. If it'd been suggested one of these movies would have had Robocop fight robot ninjas and robot druggies and have a jetpack and an arm cannon, I'd have had a seizure, because I like all those things and they're putting them in Robocop. Okay, not the druggies, but they're bad guys, so it's awesome.

But older me's grown to appreciate the non-robot parts of the film. Paul Verhoeven's greatest success was making a movie that's a different kind of awesome as you get older. It works as a satire, yet it  can be seen  played straight. It's hockey and ridiculous and Robocop moves very silly, but the subtlety with which it handles things is incredible.  But the sequels did not fully grasp that, and in fact,  I might as well say that none of the following articles in this list did.  The studios had their  cash cow, and the milking was to be sloppy and careless, especially after the third movie. Wait...

Star Wars Episode VII wish list at 12:13 PM

Am I late to the Star Wars Episode VII  speculation madness? Maybe. I'll just have to deduct this last 7 days from the next 3 years, huh?

It's crazy that it's been less than a month and we've already got 2 rumored directors, Mathew Vaughn and Some Other Guy. At this point Ep 7 is a formless mass in the future, and we feel we could shape it somehow by projecting our ideas into the web vacuum, even though it's  unlikely. Still, I am not immune, so here's a grab bag of my random wishes. So please...

Let Neil Blomkamp direct

And if he WAS racist, that's just perfect for Star Wars anyway.

Every fanboy out there is trying to rope up the bigger names in nerd franchises, because they think JJ Abraham's is about to drop out of Star Trek just for this and Christopher Nolan is willing to direct every single genre movie. Personally, I would much rather get District 9 director Neil Blomkamp. Watch Alive at Jorburg and tell me otherwise.

Blomkamp's visual style is what Star Wars was missing with the prequels\s ubberclean greenscreen rooms. Sure, D9 wasn't exactly the most original story ever, but if that's what you expect from Ep 7, then you need to ground your expectations a little.

Let Michelle Rodriguez have a part in it

She's not scared! She just wanted to know what it felt like!

Michelle Rodrguez is awesome. I don't think I should elaborate more on that. And if there's a part for a rough character woman in ther, Michelle should have it. Boy, did you just search your feelings? You know this shit be true!

Again, you're not shooting  some fancy Oscar bait film, here.  Michelle Rodriguez as a bounty hunter.

Let there be some kind of new Jedi type weapons

No, it's not a Swastika...I think.

The creation of new iconography is as important as the usage of the old one.  The Prequels found some  early success in this are with Darth Maul, and never did top it.

As iconic as the Lightsabres are, they are merely placeholders for actual swords. In this sense, other types of weapons should be given the same general treatmen. Dai-Katana, Halberds, lances, shields. Do not limit yourselves to what already exists. Since Star Wars is essentially Samurai and Cowboys in space, let's put some Kung Fu into that, huh?

Let there be less lightabre duels...but let those be meaningfull

Whoa! CG Yoda vs CG Cristpher Lee!

Again, Lightsabers are sort of important to Star Wars. But their usage should be tempered.

Each character should have a style of their own, according to their personality. They shouldn't just be whacking away at each other. Darth Maul, again, created a space for himself in the lore, but there isn't much to like him besides the aesthetics. Then again...Bobba Fett.

Let the story NOT follow Skywalker's kids.

Let's do this quick, boys. I left my shift at the construction site and my boss is a dick..

Dear Disney: If you can't do better than the Expanded Universe, then don't do nothing. Or do so anyway, make money, and have me pay for it. Either way I don't want to see the next generation of Lukes and Leias. Follow a new group of leads. They don't have to spiritually be sequels to Luke and Leia anyway.

If Original Trilogy  characters or their spawn must be in, let them be support for the new characters.

Let it not be overhyped...too late!

The problem with Star War is everyone feels they know it, and it's grown into more than what it originally was...some adventure movies. The new movies can't reach the beholden status of those. If you shoot for that, you will never reach it.

Well, see you guys in 2015. I'm sure It's the last time I'll be talking about this subject.

Star Wars Episode VII wish list at 12:13 PM

Am I late to the Star Wars Episode VII  speculation madness? Maybe. I'll just have to deduct this last 7 days from the next 3 years, huh?

It's crazy that it's been less than a month and we've already got 2 rumored directors, Mathew Vaughn and Some Other Guy. At this point Ep 7 is a formless mass in the future, and we feel we could shape it somehow by projecting our ideas into the web vacuum, even though it's  unlikely. Still, I am not immune, so here's a grab bag of my random wishes. So please...

Let Neil Blomkamp direct

And if he WAS racist, that's just perfect for Star Wars anyway.

Every fanboy out there is trying to rope up the bigger names in nerd franchises, because they think JJ Abraham's is about to drop out of Star Trek just for this and Christopher Nolan is willing to direct every single genre movie. Personally, I would much rather get District 9 director Neil Blomkamp. Watch Alive at Jorburg and tell me otherwise.

Blomkamp's visual style is what Star Wars was missing with the prequels\s ubberclean greenscreen rooms. Sure, D9 wasn't exactly the most original story ever, but if that's what you expect from Ep 7, then you need to ground your expectations a little.

THIS BLOOD'S FOR YOU! at 10:23 AM

"Lesse...Puch, pouch, pouch, pouch, gun, gun, gun, gun guuuun...sword, sword sword, sword dagger, boom! New character!"

We should count ourselves lucky. Used to be  superhero adaptations to the big screens ran into 3 key stumbling blocks, and most never rose up from there: "How could we put this on the big screen?" "How do we change this so its not stupid anymore?" and tertiarylly "how much money does it take?"

Now that Hollywood found the answers they've gotten to adapting superheroes left and right. But Kick Ass  aside, most of them have been the big popular ones from the big 2.

But perhaps thats all changing soon.

Rob Liefeld, celebrated creator of Deadpool and Cable is aparently about to have one of his million 90s superhero teams optioned for the big screen. The group is Bloodstrike, a commando of vampire blood fueled super commandos. Not to be confused with Youngblood, another Liefield team already optioned for film by complete monster Brett Ratner. Or Bloodwulf, Liefelds Lobo knockoff. Or Bloodbank, a character I just made up, but could totally be a Liefeld character.

Anyway, here is them.

Actually, I think crazy hairs up there is Bloodwulf. Maybe.

I for one cannot wait to finally see Sheeva, Wolverine and Deadpool onscreen. But I think Iron Monger and Hawkeye are lame so no praise there. I cannot wait to see Liefelds intricate original and stylistic designs come to life. Hopefully they will prove just as enduring as they where then.

THIS BLOOD'S FOR YOU! at 10:23 AM

"Lesse...Puch, pouch, pouch, pouch, gun, gun, gun, gun guuuun...sword, sword sword, sword dagger, boom! New character!"

We should count ourselves lucky. Used to be  superhero adaptations to the big screens ran into 3 key stumbling blocks, and most never rose up from there: "How could we put this on the big screen?" "How do we change this so its not stupid anymore?" and tertiarylly "how much money does it take?"

Now that Hollywood found the answers they've gotten to adapting superheroes left and right. But Kick Ass  aside, most of them have been the big popular ones from the big 2.

But perhaps thats all changing soon.

Rob Liefeld, celebrated creator of Deadpool and Cable is aparently about to have one of his million 90s superhero teams optioned for the big screen. The group is Bloodstrike, a commando of vampire blood fueled super commandos. Not to be confused with Youngblood, another Liefield team already optioned for film by complete monster Brett Ratner. Or Bloodwulf, Liefelds Lobo knockoff. Or Bloodbank, a character I just made up, but could totally be a Liefeld character.

Anyway, here is them.

Actually, I think crazy hairs up there is Bloodwulf. Maybe.

I for one cannot wait to finally see Sheeva, Wolverine and Deadpool onscreen. But I think Iron Monger and Hawkeye are lame so no praise there. I cannot wait to see Liefelds intricate original and stylistic designs come to life. Hopefully they will prove just as enduring as they where then.

Leaked in Early Secrets- Marvel's Dark, Tall, TALL new villain at 10:54 AM

We are so fuckin' spoiled these days...

Who didn't enjoy Marvel's Avengers movie? I'll tell you: that stupid crazy guy my brother gat paid to haul around. He's always asking if Ron Jeremy is in the Avengers. Dude, get help!

But that aside, everyone liked it, it made industrials amount of money before we even touch merchandising, and all is well in Marvel Land. Except for the books, those aren't selling.

Pachinko Wolverine is still not happy, though.

But you did not come to hear what you know, but Leaked in Early Secrets (my doctor said I should shorten it to L.I.E.S. so I don't get carpal tunnel syndrom. I don't remember if she said it while I did her and her sexy nurse at the same time, or after.) And so, get ready to hear the real, nonest for real future truth about the Marvel Universe.

If Fox doesn't start filming Daredevil anything by October 10, the rights to Daredevil return to Marvel, where  unless marvel stops making money and they sell it, it shall stay until the mountains wither and the rivers stop. And so, Marvel is already eyeing  the juicy, fruitful Daredevil fanchise for a future movie, right?

Oh, no! Marvel already has all the movies it needs set up to come out in the next few years. And let's face it, If Marvel wanted a street level hero, they've plenty of choice.

No the real sweet part of the deal is bringing back from the diaspora Daredevil's supporting cast. Guys like Kingpin, Bullseye The Hand, Elektra, and other's such have great applications within the movies and stories Marvel is already doing. So where am I going, exactly?

Jennifer Garner is cool, but crude, and Ben Affle-eck, is a party dude!

Well, I tilted my antenna just north of south(I'm bein litterall, I have antenna on my head), and I hear from my sources that whatever preliminary story work on Avengers 2 is being reworked to this new possibility. Thanos is being relegated to the Guardians of the Galaxy, and instead, the main badguy for Avengers is set to be the BIGGEST THREAT OF ALL! A REAL TALL ORDER OF A NASTY! THE ONE WHO LOOKS DOWN ON ALL THE HEROES! STILT-MAN!

Coming this Fall...

Wilbur Day, is a scientists assistant, who steals the invention and uses it to steal even more as the Stiltman, having incredible heights, enhanced durability, and affecting the probablity field of carnivals to make them less boring.

At the end of Captain America 2 they already have a teaser planned out, where Bucky, Cap and The Falcon are enjoying themselves at a circus, when they sort of look up and the ominous shadow of the Stiltman looms over them. There's gonna be a scene in Ironman where Tony Stark is making out with Pepper Potts in the 5th Floor of a hotel, and  STILT-MAN'S HEAD CAN BE SEEN PASSING BY THE WINDOW, UNCONCERNED!

Course, at the end of Avengers 2 Stilt-man calls into a Helicarrier's Intake and explodes, and we see his  funeral, we get a glimpse of his wife, and the following exchange ensues:


Maria Hill: Excuse me, lady? 

Glenda Day: "Lady?"

Maria Hill: We have questions about your husband, Stilt-man.

Glenda Wise: My husband's name was Wilbur day.

Maria Hill: He killed Black Panther and died a monster, lady. He was a monster.

Glenda Day: And I was his wife.  Ms Stilt-Man. Lady Stilt-man!


Wowser! Are yo excited, cuz I'm excited! It's unbelievable.  I mean, hardly believable at all. So great! And so, remember: I cannot tell a lie, but I can tell  many L.I.E.S.! Batzarro AWAY!