5 Terrible games that would make a better movie than Call of Duty at 10:19 AM

It has shattered, many Moviebob's' dreams/ It isn't Fable, or anything.

I stand by my belief that it´s easier to make a movie out of a crappy 80´s toyline than a shot by shot remake of Psycho. As long as you know your audience and source material, you can make it.

But then, after a bit of a hiatus from the Internet, I hear say that they are making, not a Call of Duty movie, but a Call of Duty Cinematic Universe.(Commandment 10 violation, guys)

What' the anime version of "makes your hair stand on end?"

You see that guy up there. I've never played Final Fantasy 7, but I know for a fact his name is Cloud. I've read about him, and he's got a pretty memorable design.  And that's all not having played Final Fantasy 7.

But nobody, NOBODY cares about however the heck whoever it is you play as in Call of Duty. Nobody wants that. Nobody wants a Call of Duty movie and nobody wants many Call of Duty movies that are "connected".

I guess I'm wasting my time by saying it, and other people will probably HAVE said it, but here goes. What makes Call of Duty, whether it's Modern Warfare, Black Ops, or anything else, good as a story is the fact that it's a videogame. The capacity to project yourself into the virtual body of Sgt. Carloff Duty can be extremely strong in offsetting the possibility of these game's stories being just another boring war movie of the kind that are somehow not burning up theaters for years for a reason. It's like if the Sims was a movie about people just living in a house.  It was the interactivity that made it endearing. Burnt kitchens aren't inherently funny. No way "videogames' idea of what war is, based on movies' idea of what war is" is gonna get anyone out there filling seats.

So I was going to make a list of games that deserve to have a movie more than CoD. But what's the point? Number 1: Most of them. But, seeing as CoD is a fairly competent game with all the movie potential of armpit hair, I'll throw an even higher gauntlet: I'm going to pick the lousiest games I can imagine as movies, and show you that even terrible games that nobody should play have stronger foundation bases for movies that Call of Duty.

Dead or Alive Xtreme  Beach Volleyball

Why do you need the floaty? Aren't your breasts filled with a saline solution?

Ok, DOA isn't a terrible game. It's sort a mix between ok Bikini Beach Volleyball, Tittillation, Dating Sim, and Barbie Dress Up games. You'd think these disparate elements would cancel each other out, but somehow, it worked.

But it's also a game about  people who come from a fighting tournament that straight facedly throws rape, revenge backstories, corporate betrayal, assassination attempts, and whatever the hell is Lei Fhang's deal, and then goes: "But then they all got together to splash water on each other and have fun one summer." Say what you will about the game's representation of women's bodies, but that right there is how women actually behave. "She pretended to be my buttler to catch me offguard and kill me. Yeah, we played Volleyball as a team, though."

So, as a MOVIE, DOAX(Which technically already happened as part of the existing DOA movie, natch) could be the awesomes, most subversive piece of movie imaginable. A movie where tortured girls who are sworn enemies to each other briefly describe how someone tried to clone them once to create the ultimate soldier, before going back to frolicking n the beach sexilly.

Awessome Possum Kicks Dr Machino's Butt

Lamas take their geography seriously, Awey.

Awessome Possum mostly let's the title describe it, except they forgot to add in "In a lousy Sonic Knock Off."

While I'm not advising any company to lock down the rights to this particular franchise, the advantages over Call of Duty as a story are clear. The story has a lead character and a villain. The motivation is in there and clear. In fact, Awesome Possume is already more recognizable to people than Call of Duty Guy.

Rakuga Kids

Nobody cares about your stupid private parts, you chicken head.

Rakuga Kids is a Konami Fighting Game for the Nintendo 64. I can probably stop there. Konami tried and tried to get into the genre, but nothing they tried ever truly stick around for long. There where good ideas. There where good designs. There where nice graphics. But all those things for all the times they appeared wherent' every enough.

Rakuga's premise is that a bunch of elementary age kids found magic life giving crayons. Using these, they gave life to drawings of their own creation, which resulted in as many Bear Tanks, and Rapping Cats as you'd imagine fighting against each other.

So while the game play is nothing to write EVO about, and the game has a bunch of loading on the console that uses cartridges because CD's have too much loading, the premise is actually perfect for a children's movie. Children using and abusing this god-like power to give life, and the drawings going out of their control. It could make a pretty sweet movie.

Mutant League Football

That's...informative.

Immediately the movie hits you in the face with High Concept. It's about monsters and ghouls and aliens playing Football, the American version where you ram into people.

While a Sports Comedy with a Supernatural angle is an easy enough sell, I think a heaping helping of satire could really make this a classic. There's plenty of screwed up things to satirize in sports in general, and American Football in particular. I think this movie would be the perfect place to start.

Put in a bunch of practical effects and people losing thier limbs all over the place, and it's an instant classic.


Columns

"And then I was all 'you're giving life to the Messiah, LOL, And she freaked out." "That one never gets old..."

Columns is a puzzle game. It's  got no protagonists or characters or conflict or nothing. Drop gems, try not to lose, don't think of Tetris.

So what would make this better than, Call of Duty as a movie? Well, for starters, since Columns isn't actually a story, you can make it about whatever you want. Is it about a wide eyed genious trying to master teleportation? Is it a heist movie? Is it a Roman words and sandals epic? As long as there's columns of gems in it, you aren't failing any part of it.

With Call of Duty, you can't make it about a wide eyed genious.  You can't switch to a time before gunpowder or make it a heist movie.  It has to be a war movie.

Now, war movies can be good. But there's a reason summer movies aren't filled with remakes of Platoon and Full Metal Jacket. There's a reason that Battleship wasn't about Battleships engaging each other in the Pacific, and it ain't because we don't even use those, anymore.

People want fanciful and sci fi and magic with their action. And the teenagers that make most of CoD's fanbase, aren't gonna be able to even get to enter CoD's movie premier without an adult.

Meanwhile, Columns, starring Jack Black and Nikolaj Coster-Waldau as competing brother builders, is gonna be killing you at the box office.

7 franchises that could use a Cinematic Universe at 1:04 PM

Wha...money? This? How

Everybody wants a cinematic universe now. Every time studios sent out a press release with those words, they're saying "please give us as much money as Avengers!" Especially now that A2 is out there, raking all the money by the yachtful.

It's mostly misplaced wishful thinking. But that's not to say nobody can ever pull it off. And there's some franchises where it does kind of make sense.

These are them.

7l) James Bond

Actually, this was announced over a decade ago.

There's been 20 something James Bond films, stretching across 40 something decades. With very few recurring characters and very little continuity to them, there's almost no world building. "James Bond exists, here's a threat to the Western World, James Bond has sex and shoots until the Western World's interests are safe again."

But it doesn't have to be like that. There's bound to be other Double Os out there, doing their thing differently from James Bond. And the villains. My, God! They could totally establish why Jaws has metal teeth, Blofeld is scarred and why shooting people makes Xenia Onattop sexmoan.

6) Resident Evil

"Stay Behind me!" "I KNOW MY PLACE, ALEECE!"

The newest Resident Evil movie was on hold, because Milla Jovovich was too pregnant to play the lady lead Alice, for a few months.

Now, we all know Resident Evil is nothing without Alice. But maybe, instead of waiting till next year to film everytime she gets pregnant, they could make a movie without Alice.

It sounds crazy, but there's other characters in RE besides Alice, who can have their own, similar to the game's story somewhat adventures.

We don't have to cut off our Alice supply cold turkey, though . We can have her cameo pregnantly to explain God himself chose her to be the mother of Jesus mark 2 because she's so awesome.

　

5) Dragonball

NNNgaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

Ok...Dragon Ball sucked all the testes of the universe. But that doesn't mean whoever it is has the rights(please don't be Fox...) can't have another go at it.

But the whole Goku story...the well is poisoned, you know? Nobody wants to see Justin Chatwin don the spiky hair again.

But Dragon Ball has dozens of ancilliary characters, races, and worlds to put onscreen, with even more planned!

You could have a movie just set on planet Vegeta, establishing them Saiyan as planet wrecking badasses they are, and ending with Vegeta starting on his month's long journey to fight Goku. You could have an entire movie explain how Master Roshi became the old pervert we know him to be. You could have a movie just of Piccolo training Gohan. You could...oh, shit it's Fox. Nada, forget I said anything.

5 ways in which Cyborg will suck as bad as Steel at 9:24 AM

I don't envy you, kid. Except your charming good looks and your money and that you get to play a superhero, and you're a shoe in for an Obama Biopic.

Ah, yes, once again DC/WB had announced  a bunch of movies, and like a kid saying he'll be a rockstar one day, you have to humor the idea that, even if you know in your heart you've heard the same flights of fancy from others, who are currently flipping burgers. You just don't have the heart to tell DC it's more likely to end up sweeping floors than it is to make a Wonder Woman movie.

If I know my DC it'll be back to just Batman in no time (and occasionally Supes getting a reboot), but let's play their game. Sure, you plan to have  2 DC films a year ,yeah, whatever. Green Lantern and everything.

But most baffling of all of those is Cyborg. Dc HAS been trying to push the character to the forefront as of this last few years. He's on the new 52 Justice League, and also features in a big way on recent DVD and game based affairs.

And he was also in a pretty popular cartoon over 10 years ago. But you all knew that.

It's not the first time DC has tried to get hype for a black tech based superheroe. Years ago, shortly after Superman did his little tango with death, a character rose from the ashes of synergy. Steel. He was my favorite. When I read Steel had a movie coming out, I thought it was great. But I had THIS guy in mind.

I always wondered how he managed to move the face, though.

Instead, I ran across THIS in my local Blockbuster.

His helmet was like the movie...they both flopped.

Now, I know it was a different time, where DC movies where slightly more likely to be supershitty and slightly more likely to exist(but not too much, either). But I feel Cyborg is gonna end up being closer to Steel than it will be to The Dark Knight. It's not just because they both star a black Superhero. Buuut...

5)  A Black Superhero

No movie for you!

Well, it's not that making a movie about a black superhero is harder than anything. There's some good black superheroes out there, who just need their story told right.

 It's just that, historically, they've never been done right. But right as in "anyone would watch it, even if they didn't have some kind of ban against White People stuff".
 

Or maybe you have some counter-examples?

Sadly, Steel had to rely on being a "Black" movie, with gangbanger enemies, a chika-chicka 70s soundtrack , and an obvious blaxploitation feel. This is gonna be one of the challenges of Cyborg because...

4) The character's worth depends on other characters.

Seriously, Cyborg's not even the most interesting Titan

So let's say I'm not heavilly invested in DC comics of today. In fact, I'm not. All I know from Cyborg is what I know from the Teen Titans the cartoon(he's a cyborg and likes yelling Booyah!)

Sell me Cyborg. What are his enemies? What makes him special? What makes him likable?

I suspect Cyborg is at his peak in the Teen Titans. He's got attachments,  there, relations, stories. Just like Steel.

Steel's very origins where related to Superman. That's where he was at his most interesting. Otherwise he was just a black Ironman.

Which is one of the things where the movie goes wrong. Shaquille O'neil as a low ass budget Tony Stark? Come on!

Again, Cy-Hards, let me know if Cyborg has some great villains and stories waiting to be  brought to screen. Otherwise, he, too might just end up saving the 'hood from a gun dealer operating out of  an arcade.

3) The Tone is compromised

Not even Michael Jordan could have saved this tripe.

Steel the movie could never be like Steel the comic. No way with a budget like it had. The changes to it's source are mostly traceable to "not enough money." Even if it had had intentions of being the best possible movie starring the (other) Man of Steel...money wasn't enough for Flying.

Cyborg faces similar problems, but money's no object this time. For you see, Cyborg is being set up in next year's Batman V Superman.

For the record, here's Smallville's low budget Cyborg.

Whatever they're gonna do in 2020 depends heavilly on what the character is set up as in Batman vs Superman and in the Justice League movie. If that movie has Cyborg as a wise ass clown, or boring and generic the solo movie's director won't be able to turn him into the next Wolverine.

And what exactly will be set up, with Wonder Woman, The Suicide Squad, and Flash and Aquaman all also being set up? Is it like when they set up Hawkeye is a human who shoots arrows in Thor?

2) DC is bad at cinematic universe building, Solo movies.

"In my planet, liking fried chicken is totally a white people stereotype."

DC's terrible record at making movies that aren't Batman and Superman is well earned. But a large part of that comes from spinning of secondary and tertiary characters into their own movies. Because as long as we're not leaving our comfort zones(Gotham and Metropolis), we might as well dredge up some of the unexplored characters from there.

This is how we ended up with Catwoman, Supergirl, and yes, Steel.  All these characters suffer from #4, and their movies are a testimony to that.

It might take some universe building, Marvel style, to get people into  Cyborg. Or rather, the opposite of Marvel: try to use a team up to promote a single character. Their attempts to initiate a united universe have gone straight to hell so far, unless the Justice League movie they have coming up is called Justice League : Mortal and The Suicide Squad's Amanda Waller is played by Angela Basset.

If you're a betting man right now, money's good on them screwing up  something that's both of the things they can't  ever do right.

1) You can't do the Marvel, DC

We don't roll our eyes when Marvel announces their Captain Marvel movie, DC.

Franchises everywhere want in on the Marvel thing, from Universal Monsters to Robin Hood. As always, Hollywood studio heads completely misunderstand the very basics of what makes something a success.

Marvel's first couple of movies only had little hints at a larger universe. They also happened to be mostly good-to-great  movies about characters  who where not as popular as the X-MENs and Spider-Mans of the world.

A Mediocre Batman movie is already a half won battle. Millions of people in the world who only know what movies say through Subtitles, millions who'd never Wiki-binge the Dc pages or pick up a comic, know Batman and are willing to give him money.

Getting people to shell out a Bunch of money for Guardians of the Galaxy takes something WB  didn't sure as hell put into Jonah Hex.

WB didn't put any heart into Steel. If they successfully put as much heart into Cyborg  as much as they did Steel, and history so far says that's likely, then obviously it's poised to be the next Steel.

If it ever gets off the ground, that is. If you can actually go through with a plan to make a movie in 5 years, I'll eat my hat. That I'll have in 5 years