5 Terrible games that would make a better movie than Call of Duty at 10:19 AM

It has shattered, many Moviebob's' dreams/ It isn't Fable, or anything.

I stand by my belief that it´s easier to make a movie out of a crappy 80´s toyline than a shot by shot remake of Psycho. As long as you know your audience and source material, you can make it.

But then, after a bit of a hiatus from the Internet, I hear say that they are making, not a Call of Duty movie, but a Call of Duty Cinematic Universe.(Commandment 10 violation, guys)

What' the anime version of "makes your hair stand on end?"

You see that guy up there. I've never played Final Fantasy 7, but I know for a fact his name is Cloud. I've read about him, and he's got a pretty memorable design.  And that's all not having played Final Fantasy 7.

But nobody, NOBODY cares about however the heck whoever it is you play as in Call of Duty. Nobody wants that. Nobody wants a Call of Duty movie and nobody wants many Call of Duty movies that are "connected".

I guess I'm wasting my time by saying it, and other people will probably HAVE said it, but here goes. What makes Call of Duty, whether it's Modern Warfare, Black Ops, or anything else, good as a story is the fact that it's a videogame. The capacity to project yourself into the virtual body of Sgt. Carloff Duty can be extremely strong in offsetting the possibility of these game's stories being just another boring war movie of the kind that are somehow not burning up theaters for years for a reason. It's like if the Sims was a movie about people just living in a house.  It was the interactivity that made it endearing. Burnt kitchens aren't inherently funny. No way "videogames' idea of what war is, based on movies' idea of what war is" is gonna get anyone out there filling seats.

So I was going to make a list of games that deserve to have a movie more than CoD. But what's the point? Number 1: Most of them. But, seeing as CoD is a fairly competent game with all the movie potential of armpit hair, I'll throw an even higher gauntlet: I'm going to pick the lousiest games I can imagine as movies, and show you that even terrible games that nobody should play have stronger foundation bases for movies that Call of Duty.

Dead or Alive Xtreme  Beach Volleyball

Why do you need the floaty? Aren't your breasts filled with a saline solution?

Ok, DOA isn't a terrible game. It's sort a mix between ok Bikini Beach Volleyball, Tittillation, Dating Sim, and Barbie Dress Up games. You'd think these disparate elements would cancel each other out, but somehow, it worked.

But it's also a game about  people who come from a fighting tournament that straight facedly throws rape, revenge backstories, corporate betrayal, assassination attempts, and whatever the hell is Lei Fhang's deal, and then goes: "But then they all got together to splash water on each other and have fun one summer." Say what you will about the game's representation of women's bodies, but that right there is how women actually behave. "She pretended to be my buttler to catch me offguard and kill me. Yeah, we played Volleyball as a team, though."

So, as a MOVIE, DOAX(Which technically already happened as part of the existing DOA movie, natch) could be the awesomes, most subversive piece of movie imaginable. A movie where tortured girls who are sworn enemies to each other briefly describe how someone tried to clone them once to create the ultimate soldier, before going back to frolicking n the beach sexilly.

Awessome Possum Kicks Dr Machino's Butt

Lamas take their geography seriously, Awey.

Awessome Possum mostly let's the title describe it, except they forgot to add in "In a lousy Sonic Knock Off."

While I'm not advising any company to lock down the rights to this particular franchise, the advantages over Call of Duty as a story are clear. The story has a lead character and a villain. The motivation is in there and clear. In fact, Awesome Possume is already more recognizable to people than Call of Duty Guy.

Rakuga Kids

Nobody cares about your stupid private parts, you chicken head.

Rakuga Kids is a Konami Fighting Game for the Nintendo 64. I can probably stop there. Konami tried and tried to get into the genre, but nothing they tried ever truly stick around for long. There where good ideas. There where good designs. There where nice graphics. But all those things for all the times they appeared wherent' every enough.

Rakuga's premise is that a bunch of elementary age kids found magic life giving crayons. Using these, they gave life to drawings of their own creation, which resulted in as many Bear Tanks, and Rapping Cats as you'd imagine fighting against each other.

So while the game play is nothing to write EVO about, and the game has a bunch of loading on the console that uses cartridges because CD's have too much loading, the premise is actually perfect for a children's movie. Children using and abusing this god-like power to give life, and the drawings going out of their control. It could make a pretty sweet movie.

Mutant League Football

That's...informative.

Immediately the movie hits you in the face with High Concept. It's about monsters and ghouls and aliens playing Football, the American version where you ram into people.

While a Sports Comedy with a Supernatural angle is an easy enough sell, I think a heaping helping of satire could really make this a classic. There's plenty of screwed up things to satirize in sports in general, and American Football in particular. I think this movie would be the perfect place to start.

Put in a bunch of practical effects and people losing thier limbs all over the place, and it's an instant classic.


Columns

"And then I was all 'you're giving life to the Messiah, LOL, And she freaked out." "That one never gets old..."

Columns is a puzzle game. It's  got no protagonists or characters or conflict or nothing. Drop gems, try not to lose, don't think of Tetris.

So what would make this better than, Call of Duty as a movie? Well, for starters, since Columns isn't actually a story, you can make it about whatever you want. Is it about a wide eyed genious trying to master teleportation? Is it a heist movie? Is it a Roman words and sandals epic? As long as there's columns of gems in it, you aren't failing any part of it.

With Call of Duty, you can't make it about a wide eyed genious.  You can't switch to a time before gunpowder or make it a heist movie.  It has to be a war movie.

Now, war movies can be good. But there's a reason summer movies aren't filled with remakes of Platoon and Full Metal Jacket. There's a reason that Battleship wasn't about Battleships engaging each other in the Pacific, and it ain't because we don't even use those, anymore.

People want fanciful and sci fi and magic with their action. And the teenagers that make most of CoD's fanbase, aren't gonna be able to even get to enter CoD's movie premier without an adult.

Meanwhile, Columns, starring Jack Black and Nikolaj Coster-Waldau as competing brother builders, is gonna be killing you at the box office.

Horrendous Theory: Optimus Prime is EVIL at 7:54 AM

You can trust this attempt at a face!

Now, I'm not much of a Transformer G1 fan. Was way more into Beast Wars. But don't you guys find that in the movie's Optimus is a bit...ruthless?

I began noticing in Revenge of the Fallen.  The first action sequence ends with Optimus having this exchange with a maimed and defenseless Decepticon.

Optimus Prime: Any last words?
Wheelbot: This is not your planet to rule! The Fallen shall rise again!
Chief Master Sergeant Epps: [puzzled] That did not sound good.
Optimus Prime: Not today.
[blasts Wheelbot in the head]

"Any last words" is what a character, usually a villain, says when he's about to execute a person. It indicates that what follows is a clear path for the would be victim: "There is no possibility I won't kill you, you are given a final chance to mark our lives before you die." It is troubling that what we assume is a good guy chooses this words. See, in movies, usually the good guys don't "execute"  their villains. They defeat them in combat, either on equal grounds or with the hero at a disadvantage. Normally heroes aren't given the choice of whether or not to kill, and if your good guy is...say, a cartoon icon for children, usually the choice is to let them live.

Why don't you guys learn from the masters?

Second, it really looks like Wheelbot is implying Optimus Prime could be interpreted as to want to rule the earth. This is strange. Why would he think that? Why, of all the words you could put into that robot's spiked mouth, would you put concern that Optimus would rule the earth? Is Optimus the leader of Cybertron or something? Aren't the Decepticons the randomly chaotic ones? Why won't Optimus even deny he won't  take over the earth?

In any case, after several minutes of  Dog humpin, jive talking, Shia Leboufing action, the climax of the film takes place.  And after that, Optimus Prime fights The Fallen and Megatron. Optimus  handles both with ease. And then this happens.

Optimus, again, being a big fan of fatalities, chooses to rip off his opponent's face while saying : "Give ME YOR FACE!"

Now, we like our heroes to mix it up with the killing and making with one liners. But this isn't a Bond pun. This isn't  I lied.
It's not funny or ironic or set up to or a joke. He's saying he will rip his face off. And then he does.

If they where human...this would be a war crime.

Of course, he's just an evil robot who had it, coming you might say. But what purpose does it serve to rip your opponent's facial expressions as you execute them?   What kind of psycho rips away  someone else's face? Is our hero on the same league as  Leatherface and that Chimp that went crazy?

Autobuts, transform and roll out!

And lastly, there's Cry for the Moon Bark at the Moon In the Dark of the Night Dark of the Moon. I haven't seen it, but I have it on good authority Optimus Prime and the Autobots actually let  a city be laid to waste and countless humans die just to teach humanity a lesson. Yes, a lesson.


In the context in which it is offered to me, I heard humans order the Autobots to leave earth , in order to try and negotiate an armistice with their enemies, the Decepticons. Quickly the Decepticons  try to kill the Autobots and lay waste to a city after apparently blowing them up murdering humans all willy nilly, straight up hunting them and exterminating them.


While everyone thinks the Autobots are dead, they eventually come back. But not before Optimus points out they took their sweet time because humans had to understand how evil this evil robots are.

Yeah, I get it now! Go with the colored robots, not the gray robots! Got it!

And again, I haven't seen it, but doesn't that sound like a shrewd political move? You create sympathy and necessity for Autobots when Decepticon's top most powerful leader already had his face removed and his ticker raped, and as I hear by the end of this movie , all the bad guys have died. WHat's the lesson here again?  Don't fuck with Optimus?

Saviors? Buddy, you just got false flagged. Optimus' rise to power is at hand.

Horrendous Theory: Optimus Prime is EVIL at 7:54 AM

You can trust this attempt at a face!

Now, I'm not much of a Transformer G1 fan. Was way more into Beast Wars. But don't you guys find that in the movie's Optimus is a bit...ruthless?

I began noticing in Revenge of the Fallen.  The first action sequence ends with Optimus having this exchange with a maimed and defenseless Decepticon.

Optimus Prime: Any last words?
Wheelbot: This is not your planet to rule! The Fallen shall rise again!
Chief Master Sergeant Epps: [puzzled] That did not sound good.
Optimus Prime: Not today.
[blasts Wheelbot in the head]

"Any last words" is what a character, usually a villain, says when he's about to execute a person. It indicates that what follows is a clear path for the would be victim: "There is no possibility I won't kill you, you are given a final chance to mark our lives before you die." It is troubling that what we assume is a good guy chooses this words. See, in movies, usually the good guys don't "execute"  their villains. They defeat them in combat, either on equal grounds or with the hero at a disadvantage. Normally heroes aren't given the choice of whether or not to kill, and if your good guy is...say, a cartoon icon for children, usually the choice is to let them live.

Why don't you guys learn from the masters?

Proof of a Miracle at 7:51 AM

I said I do not talk about my religious beliefs too much in an earlier post, but I feel recent events warrant it.

Last Wednesday, my mother recieved a call that left her  pretty sad. I prodded, because I suspected what it might be, and I don't like being left in the dark. She told me our grandma had had a heart attack and was hospitalized. I prepared for the worst, but It did not  sound like she was dead. Friday we went to see her. I assisted my uncle, a Pastor/Rabbi of...well it's a Christian Church that takes those extra jewish parts seriously, in getting my cousin. My uncle told me, granny had fallen into a comma of which there was no hope of getting back from. He told me doctors said her vital signs where not compatible with life. It sounded pretty definitive. I fully expected the next day we'd be disconecting her.

But the next day we did not disconnect her. The next day, she awoke. She started getting better and better.


I know what you're thinking: "Now this religious nut guy is gonna take something that I can probably explain in a few sentences and say it was God that did it". You know what? Maybe it wasn't God. Maybe the machines where wrong. Maybe the Doctor made a mistake, or maybe he wanted to set expectations real low.

My granny's in her 80s. She's gonna die, and probably in not too long a time. So I say, yes, it's entirely possible I did not witness the work of an omnipotent being working behind the veil of what we know as real.

I may never know the reason, but I think I should still say this: Thank you God for helping  my Granma.

Proof of a Miracle at 7:51 AM

I said I do not talk about my religious beliefs too much in an earlier post, but I feel recent events warrant it.

Last Wednesday, my mother recieved a call that left her  pretty sad. I prodded, because I suspected what it might be, and I don't like being left in the dark. She told me our grandma had had a heart attack and was hospitalized. I prepared for the worst, but It did not  sound like she was dead. Friday we went to see her. I assisted my uncle, a Pastor/Rabbi of...well it's a Christian Church that takes those extra jewish parts seriously, in getting my cousin. My uncle told me, granny had fallen into a comma of which there was no hope of getting back from. He told me doctors said her vital signs where not compatible with life. It sounded pretty definitive. I fully expected the next day we'd be disconecting her.

But the next day we did not disconnect her. The next day, she awoke. She started getting better and better.


I know what you're thinking: "Now this religious nut guy is gonna take something that I can probably explain in a few sentences and say it was God that did it". You know what? Maybe it wasn't God. Maybe the machines where wrong. Maybe the Doctor made a mistake, or maybe he wanted to set expectations real low.

My granny's in her 80s. She's gonna die, and probably in not too long a time. So I say, yes, it's entirely possible I did not witness the work of an omnipotent being working behind the veil of what we know as real.

I may never know the reason, but I think I should still say this: Thank you God for helping  my Granma.