Dear Autobots: An intervention at 10:51 AM

"YOU LIED TO US!" "On our defense, here's an astronaut who traveled all the way to the moon." "THIS CHANGES EVERYTHING!!"

I just want to say, that I love you. Well, not love-love, but I did have a fun time watching your first two movies, even if it doesn't make sense that Megatron can fly to a distant planet in a day. Even if your potty-humor seems entirely out of play and your robots curse. I like you.

I brought you here because I saw your new trailer, and I want to say, you have a problem, and I'm not talking about an in-story conflict that needs resolution to deliver catharsis, either. You see, the theme of this trailer, as it where, is that the U.S. government betrayed you. Or rather, that you betrayed yourselves using the U.S. government.

Because I have seen your movies, and in every single one, the Government of the United Stated has been fucking you up your robot asses, possibly litterally in Bumblebee's case.  In movie one they captured and tortured him in a secret base, after all. In movie two they used you for their own personal benefit, and then failed to assist you when your leader died. In movie 3 they straight up sold you to your enemies.

So when movie 4's trailer indicates that the US is again  hurting you, it's not so much a disturbing scenario, but the 2nd direct to DVD sequel to the fable of the Scorpion and the Frog; no cause for surprise.  Autobots cannot continue to be in this horrible relationship with the American Government. I know that their military resources are necessary to maintain your campaign against the Decepticons (and indeed, the intake of cash of this franchise). Most people in abusive relationships are willing to  stay in them, as long as they don't have to depart certain benefits of them.  But you guys can make it on your own.

Lou Diamond Phillips is now the Frog.

In your cartoons, you guys are perfectly able to fend off most of your enemies most of the time. Maybe the silver lining to staying away form the U.S. government would be that you'd get to be more like that: Maybe this time you'd get to be the heroes of your story, instead of  Shia Lebouf, Josh Duhamel, Jon Voight, Mark Whalberg, and Ednik Stero-type. Maybe next movie we could get a look at how the 'Bots relate to each other.

I cannot continue to watch you hurt yourselfs. Certainly not while paying full price for a ticket. Please. You need help...but you can do this without the air force. We don't want to see Transformers constantly put up with government abuse while in constant admiration of the Armed Forces, Michael Bay  Autobots.

Dear Autobots: An intervention at 10:51 AM

"YOU LIED TO US!" "On our defense, here's an astronaut who traveled all the way to the moon." "THIS CHANGES EVERYTHING!!"

I just want to say, that I love you. Well, not love-love, but I did have a fun time watching your first two movies, even if it doesn't make sense that Megatron can fly to a distant planet in a day. Even if your potty-humor seems entirely out of play and your robots curse. I like you.

I brought you here because I saw your new trailer, and I want to say, you have a problem, and I'm not talking about an in-story conflict that needs resolution to deliver catharsis, either. You see, the theme of this trailer, as it where, is that the U.S. government betrayed you. Or rather, that you betrayed yourselves using the U.S. government.

Because I have seen your movies, and in every single one, the Government of the United Stated has been fucking you up your robot asses, possibly litterally in Bumblebee's case.  In movie one they captured and tortured him in a secret base, after all. In movie two they used you for their own personal benefit, and then failed to assist you when your leader died. In movie 3 they straight up sold you to your enemies.

So when movie 4's trailer indicates that the US is again  hurting you, it's not so much a disturbing scenario, but the 2nd direct to DVD sequel to the fable of the Scorpion and the Frog; no cause for surprise.  Autobots cannot continue to be in this horrible relationship with the American Government. I know that their military resources are necessary to maintain your campaign against the Decepticons (and indeed, the intake of cash of this franchise). Most people in abusive relationships are willing to  stay in them, as long as they don't have to depart certain benefits of them.  But you guys can make it on your own.

Lou Diamond Phillips is now the Frog.

In your cartoons, you guys are perfectly able to fend off most of your enemies most of the time. Maybe the silver lining to staying away form the U.S. government would be that you'd get to be more like that: Maybe this time you'd get to be the heroes of your story, instead of  Shia Lebouf, Josh Duhamel, Jon Voight, Mark Whalberg, and Ednik Stero-type. Maybe next movie we could get a look at how the 'Bots relate to each other.

I cannot continue to watch you hurt yourselfs. Certainly not while paying full price for a ticket. Please. You need help...but you can do this without the air force. We don't want to see Transformers constantly put up with government abuse while in constant admiration of the Armed Forces, Michael Bay  Autobots.

Don't Fear the Rip-off: Travesty and Roll Out at 10:32 AM

There is another world.

Under the glitzy, gajillion dollar hollywood super-blockbuster, but over the current of indie documentaries about dying of dyphteria in New Equatorial Guinea, it lies. Tiptoing the line between riding a recognizable product's coat-tales, and just straight up infringing them, knowing full well WB execs don't usually walk into Always 99.

In this world, you get shit like this.

The T-Bots Coloring activity book. Unafraid of any legal proceeding from Hasbro (after all, the concept of shape-shifting androids has already been copied several times without much consequence.)  the distributors burst right in. This is how you do it. Catch the confused step parents right before they can ask which one is Bumblebee.

But you may have some questions, seeing this cover. What exactly is inside? How do they expect kids to know what colors their ravenously plagiarized  characters are? Are there even characters in this? Why don't we let Schoolzone.com fill us in?

Take on the world with “T” Bots Morphing Robots. Give your child a pair of coloring books with a fun techno-twist. They offer a great break from more focused learning activities, plus, perforated, tear-out pages make for on-the-go coloring action and easy-to-display masterpieces

You got all that? This is a break from more focused activities, like eating paste and staring at their own noses. Don't be asking no dumb questions and buy or get out! Also, haha, you already bought it. But if you must know, this is what 55 Cents to 4 bucks get you...

Give me your face! Mine sort of sucks.

I call this guys Bestimus Primo. Presumably the leader of the T-Bots, Bestimus is clearly wondering about where Shia Lebouf  Michael Arangano is gone off to. Say what you will about him having a little Cylon in him, but they sure where commited to ripping of Transformer's motiff of them actually transforming into things, with the details like the wheels intact.(although with no actuall transformation as far as I could see) The could have just gone with some random, Transformer-ish robots and called it a day.

Of course, they gotta have some alternate forms, too. Otherwise it doesn't work.

The turbines are for flying, as penguins are known to do.

Yes! A Robot Penguin. We're clearly skipping right past Beastwars into Transmetals, because Iceborg here would not fool anyone if he apeared at your local zoo, trying to tap dance his way into freedom.

My skimming through the book showed me plenty of pages which uncluded animal forms, including a robot wasp and a robot whale.  Those things have happened, and probably could happen, respectively. But in all honestly, how do you color that? Do you color it off-color, like the kind of bad Waspinator knock off it presumably is? Is the robot whale the color of an actual whale?  

One thing's  for sure: the Tbots has trimmed a lot of the more obvious violence of the original, and instead opted more for characters posing and never doing anything more specific than that. While the parents are probably a little relieved that no one is getting his exaust port blown to pieces, perhaps you need to look at the other cover.

"Only one of my arms is guns...I'm such a failiure..."

"Gunblebee" here isn't to become your pet.  He's coming out of the war explosions with his hand out asking if you're perhaps join him in his dance with death. The T-Bot! It's exactly what meets the eyes!

Don't Fear the Rip-off: Travesty and Roll Out at 10:32 AM

There is another world.

Under the glitzy, gajillion dollar hollywood super-blockbuster, but over the current of indie documentaries about dying of dyphteria in New Equatorial Guinea, it lies. Tiptoing the line between riding a recognizable product's coat-tales, and just straight up infringing them, knowing full well WB execs don't usually walk into Always 99.

In this world, you get shit like this.

The T-Bots Coloring activity book. Unafraid of any legal proceeding from Hasbro (after all, the concept of shape-shifting androids has already been copied several times without much consequence.)  the distributors burst right in. This is how you do it. Catch the confused step parents right before they can ask which one is Bumblebee.

But you may have some questions, seeing this cover. What exactly is inside? How do they expect kids to know what colors their ravenously plagiarized  characters are? Are there even characters in this? Why don't we let Schoolzone.com fill us in?

Take on the world with “T” Bots Morphing Robots. Give your child a pair of coloring books with a fun techno-twist. They offer a great break from more focused learning activities, plus, perforated, tear-out pages make for on-the-go coloring action and easy-to-display masterpieces

You got all that? This is a break from more focused activities, like eating paste and staring at their own noses. Don't be asking no dumb questions and buy or get out! Also, haha, you already bought it. But if you must know, this is what 55 Cents to 4 bucks get you...

Give me your face! Mine sort of sucks.

I call this guys Bestimus Primo. Presumably the leader of the T-Bots, Bestimus is clearly wondering about where Shia Lebouf  Michael Arangano is gone off to. Say what you will about him having a little Cylon in him, but they sure where commited to ripping of Transformer's motiff of them actually transforming into things, with the details like the wheels intact.(although with no actuall transformation as far as I could see) The could have just gone with some random, Transformer-ish robots and called it a day.

Of course, they gotta have some alternate forms, too. Otherwise it doesn't work.

The turbines are for flying, as penguins are known to do.

Yes! A Robot Penguin. We're clearly skipping right past Beastwars into Transmetals, because Iceborg here would not fool anyone if he apeared at your local zoo, trying to tap dance his way into freedom.

My skimming through the book showed me plenty of pages which uncluded animal forms, including a robot wasp and a robot whale.  Those things have happened, and probably could happen, respectively. But in all honestly, how do you color that? Do you color it off-color, like the kind of bad Waspinator knock off it presumably is? Is the robot whale the color of an actual whale?  

One thing's  for sure: the Tbots has trimmed a lot of the more obvious violence of the original, and instead opted more for characters posing and never doing anything more specific than that. While the parents are probably a little relieved that no one is getting his exaust port blown to pieces, perhaps you need to look at the other cover.

"Only one of my arms is guns...I'm such a failiure..."

"Gunblebee" here isn't to become your pet.  He's coming out of the war explosions with his hand out asking if you're perhaps join him in his dance with death. The T-Bot! It's exactly what meets the eyes!

Charge! at 1:46 AM

No way is a Rhino charging on a scorpion fair

Wow, man, this empty field was a terrible place for a picnic...

Scarecrow is totally gonna tackle Flash.

Admittedly, this one doesn't fit the theme. I just like it.

Charge! at 1:46 AM

No way is a Rhino charging on a scorpion fair

Wow, man, this empty field was a terrible place for a picnic...

Scarecrow is totally gonna tackle Flash.

Admittedly, this one doesn't fit the theme. I just like it.

Transfellows! at 12:06 PM

Transfellows! at 12:06 PM

Horrendous Theory: Optimus Prime is EVIL at 7:54 AM

You can trust this attempt at a face!

Now, I'm not much of a Transformer G1 fan. Was way more into Beast Wars. But don't you guys find that in the movie's Optimus is a bit...ruthless?

I began noticing in Revenge of the Fallen.  The first action sequence ends with Optimus having this exchange with a maimed and defenseless Decepticon.

Optimus Prime: Any last words?
Wheelbot: This is not your planet to rule! The Fallen shall rise again!
Chief Master Sergeant Epps: [puzzled] That did not sound good.
Optimus Prime: Not today.
[blasts Wheelbot in the head]

"Any last words" is what a character, usually a villain, says when he's about to execute a person. It indicates that what follows is a clear path for the would be victim: "There is no possibility I won't kill you, you are given a final chance to mark our lives before you die." It is troubling that what we assume is a good guy chooses this words. See, in movies, usually the good guys don't "execute"  their villains. They defeat them in combat, either on equal grounds or with the hero at a disadvantage. Normally heroes aren't given the choice of whether or not to kill, and if your good guy is...say, a cartoon icon for children, usually the choice is to let them live.

Why don't you guys learn from the masters?

Second, it really looks like Wheelbot is implying Optimus Prime could be interpreted as to want to rule the earth. This is strange. Why would he think that? Why, of all the words you could put into that robot's spiked mouth, would you put concern that Optimus would rule the earth? Is Optimus the leader of Cybertron or something? Aren't the Decepticons the randomly chaotic ones? Why won't Optimus even deny he won't  take over the earth?

In any case, after several minutes of  Dog humpin, jive talking, Shia Leboufing action, the climax of the film takes place.  And after that, Optimus Prime fights The Fallen and Megatron. Optimus  handles both with ease. And then this happens.

Optimus, again, being a big fan of fatalities, chooses to rip off his opponent's face while saying : "Give ME YOR FACE!"

Now, we like our heroes to mix it up with the killing and making with one liners. But this isn't a Bond pun. This isn't  I lied.
It's not funny or ironic or set up to or a joke. He's saying he will rip his face off. And then he does.

If they where human...this would be a war crime.

Of course, he's just an evil robot who had it, coming you might say. But what purpose does it serve to rip your opponent's facial expressions as you execute them?   What kind of psycho rips away  someone else's face? Is our hero on the same league as  Leatherface and that Chimp that went crazy?

Autobuts, transform and roll out!

And lastly, there's Cry for the Moon Bark at the Moon In the Dark of the Night Dark of the Moon. I haven't seen it, but I have it on good authority Optimus Prime and the Autobots actually let  a city be laid to waste and countless humans die just to teach humanity a lesson. Yes, a lesson.


In the context in which it is offered to me, I heard humans order the Autobots to leave earth , in order to try and negotiate an armistice with their enemies, the Decepticons. Quickly the Decepticons  try to kill the Autobots and lay waste to a city after apparently blowing them up murdering humans all willy nilly, straight up hunting them and exterminating them.


While everyone thinks the Autobots are dead, they eventually come back. But not before Optimus points out they took their sweet time because humans had to understand how evil this evil robots are.

Yeah, I get it now! Go with the colored robots, not the gray robots! Got it!

And again, I haven't seen it, but doesn't that sound like a shrewd political move? You create sympathy and necessity for Autobots when Decepticon's top most powerful leader already had his face removed and his ticker raped, and as I hear by the end of this movie , all the bad guys have died. WHat's the lesson here again?  Don't fuck with Optimus?

Saviors? Buddy, you just got false flagged. Optimus' rise to power is at hand.

Horrendous Theory: Optimus Prime is EVIL at 7:54 AM

You can trust this attempt at a face!

Now, I'm not much of a Transformer G1 fan. Was way more into Beast Wars. But don't you guys find that in the movie's Optimus is a bit...ruthless?

I began noticing in Revenge of the Fallen.  The first action sequence ends with Optimus having this exchange with a maimed and defenseless Decepticon.

Optimus Prime: Any last words?
Wheelbot: This is not your planet to rule! The Fallen shall rise again!
Chief Master Sergeant Epps: [puzzled] That did not sound good.
Optimus Prime: Not today.
[blasts Wheelbot in the head]

"Any last words" is what a character, usually a villain, says when he's about to execute a person. It indicates that what follows is a clear path for the would be victim: "There is no possibility I won't kill you, you are given a final chance to mark our lives before you die." It is troubling that what we assume is a good guy chooses this words. See, in movies, usually the good guys don't "execute"  their villains. They defeat them in combat, either on equal grounds or with the hero at a disadvantage. Normally heroes aren't given the choice of whether or not to kill, and if your good guy is...say, a cartoon icon for children, usually the choice is to let them live.

Why don't you guys learn from the masters?