Horrendous Theory: The Prometheus Crew meant to do that. at 8:19 AM

You just missed out on THIS, baby!

Prometheus 2 is now called "Alien: Paradise Lost". Which sure isn't stepping on Neil Blomkamp's Alien 5's toes  or anything.

We've had a lot of fun with the movie Prometheus, which is what happens when you have a dumb premise (let's go find God in space by flying in that direction), you try to wrap it around smart sounding words (let's go find this beings that supposedly created mankind. What would happen?) you make the characters a bunch of scientists, and then make them the worst at their field.

Like, it doesn't even fucking look friendly, dude. It looks like a snake!

I mean, dumb characters in horror movies are a staple of the genre, but usually these are dumb teenagers, or dumb blue collar characters. Characters that you don't assume have doctorates on the stuff that is currently killing them.

But while most of this lands straight at the feet of writer Damon Lindelof for most people as an example of a guy who just can't write worth a damn, the truth is Damon Lindelof might just be smarter than what you give him credit for.

The premise of the movie is that Old Man Peter Weyland send this group, which includes his daughter and a an android as his eyes and ears, as a scientific expedition funded by Weyland Yutani, the Alien-Verse's evil corporation.

The Mandarin.

The twist, at the end, turns out to be that Weyland the company was secretly funding Weyland the person's trip to the planet, as he had stowed away on the ship so he could ask for The Engineers to give him a longer life. Why the secrecy? Well that's what makes this brilliant.

A voyage thousands or millions of lightyears into  a distant planet doesn't cost  5 bucks. Yutani would not have funded it's dying old founder's last Hail Marry to live longer  if it meant funding something like that. And he probably knew that. So he made up something else. A "Scientific trip", to a planet that MAY contain something that Yutani might be able to turn into money.

But you need some scientists. Not the best scientists, or the most appropriate. After all, who cares what they might or might not discover, or do? You're here to pull a King Hezekiah and get a bonus extention on your life. So Weyland got a team, a team of people who are scientists, but not the best people. After all, the best people probably would have given one look at the sloppy plan and figure out the plan sucks, but probably desperate scientists that nobody else wants to work with can't afford to say no.

"Without even a little bit of foreplay? Straight to the life giving, huh?"

So if the crew gets to the planet and starts  taking off their helmets and making friends with the local fauna and basically getting themselves in trouble, that's ok. The only ones Weyland needed are the ones who can operate the ship and his Smithers-Bot.   Everyone else is just there to give the whole thing an air of legitimacy and they  can go eat black goo like a gritty remake of Willy Wonka for all he cares.

Say, a sci fi remake of Willy Wonka? Hmm... Article over, guys. I've got to go away and ruminate on this for a while.

Dear Autobots: An intervention at 10:51 AM

"YOU LIED TO US!" "On our defense, here's an astronaut who traveled all the way to the moon." "THIS CHANGES EVERYTHING!!"

I just want to say, that I love you. Well, not love-love, but I did have a fun time watching your first two movies, even if it doesn't make sense that Megatron can fly to a distant planet in a day. Even if your potty-humor seems entirely out of play and your robots curse. I like you.

I brought you here because I saw your new trailer, and I want to say, you have a problem, and I'm not talking about an in-story conflict that needs resolution to deliver catharsis, either. You see, the theme of this trailer, as it where, is that the U.S. government betrayed you. Or rather, that you betrayed yourselves using the U.S. government.

Because I have seen your movies, and in every single one, the Government of the United Stated has been fucking you up your robot asses, possibly litterally in Bumblebee's case.  In movie one they captured and tortured him in a secret base, after all. In movie two they used you for their own personal benefit, and then failed to assist you when your leader died. In movie 3 they straight up sold you to your enemies.

So when movie 4's trailer indicates that the US is again  hurting you, it's not so much a disturbing scenario, but the 2nd direct to DVD sequel to the fable of the Scorpion and the Frog; no cause for surprise.  Autobots cannot continue to be in this horrible relationship with the American Government. I know that their military resources are necessary to maintain your campaign against the Decepticons (and indeed, the intake of cash of this franchise). Most people in abusive relationships are willing to  stay in them, as long as they don't have to depart certain benefits of them.  But you guys can make it on your own.

Lou Diamond Phillips is now the Frog.

In your cartoons, you guys are perfectly able to fend off most of your enemies most of the time. Maybe the silver lining to staying away form the U.S. government would be that you'd get to be more like that: Maybe this time you'd get to be the heroes of your story, instead of  Shia Lebouf, Josh Duhamel, Jon Voight, Mark Whalberg, and Ednik Stero-type. Maybe next movie we could get a look at how the 'Bots relate to each other.

I cannot continue to watch you hurt yourselfs. Certainly not while paying full price for a ticket. Please. You need help...but you can do this without the air force. We don't want to see Transformers constantly put up with government abuse while in constant admiration of the Armed Forces, Michael Bay  Autobots.

Dear Autobots: An intervention at 10:51 AM

"YOU LIED TO US!" "On our defense, here's an astronaut who traveled all the way to the moon." "THIS CHANGES EVERYTHING!!"

I just want to say, that I love you. Well, not love-love, but I did have a fun time watching your first two movies, even if it doesn't make sense that Megatron can fly to a distant planet in a day. Even if your potty-humor seems entirely out of play and your robots curse. I like you.

I brought you here because I saw your new trailer, and I want to say, you have a problem, and I'm not talking about an in-story conflict that needs resolution to deliver catharsis, either. You see, the theme of this trailer, as it where, is that the U.S. government betrayed you. Or rather, that you betrayed yourselves using the U.S. government.

Because I have seen your movies, and in every single one, the Government of the United Stated has been fucking you up your robot asses, possibly litterally in Bumblebee's case.  In movie one they captured and tortured him in a secret base, after all. In movie two they used you for their own personal benefit, and then failed to assist you when your leader died. In movie 3 they straight up sold you to your enemies.

So when movie 4's trailer indicates that the US is again  hurting you, it's not so much a disturbing scenario, but the 2nd direct to DVD sequel to the fable of the Scorpion and the Frog; no cause for surprise.  Autobots cannot continue to be in this horrible relationship with the American Government. I know that their military resources are necessary to maintain your campaign against the Decepticons (and indeed, the intake of cash of this franchise). Most people in abusive relationships are willing to  stay in them, as long as they don't have to depart certain benefits of them.  But you guys can make it on your own.

Lou Diamond Phillips is now the Frog.

In your cartoons, you guys are perfectly able to fend off most of your enemies most of the time. Maybe the silver lining to staying away form the U.S. government would be that you'd get to be more like that: Maybe this time you'd get to be the heroes of your story, instead of  Shia Lebouf, Josh Duhamel, Jon Voight, Mark Whalberg, and Ednik Stero-type. Maybe next movie we could get a look at how the 'Bots relate to each other.

I cannot continue to watch you hurt yourselfs. Certainly not while paying full price for a ticket. Please. You need help...but you can do this without the air force. We don't want to see Transformers constantly put up with government abuse while in constant admiration of the Armed Forces, Michael Bay  Autobots.