An Abdomination before The Lord at 6:43 AM

No longer known as "Most Unlean"

Horrendous Theory: The Sith's Inside Man at 5:54 PM

Beeb-Boop Beep Satan...I mean Beep!

There's been a lot of Star Wars talk lately. And it always comes back to how poorly plotted those damn prequels where. How come one guy who can feel waves of the force can be so dumb as to not feel the evil in the evilest guy in the galaxy sitting across the room? How can  the villain's  plan be this all encompassing and yet this detailed, this informed?

I may have the  answer for that last one. The Emperor has an throughout the prequels that relayed information to him. And he was there almost the entire way. R2D2.

Dun-Dun DA!

R2D2 first enters the plot of the movies as a repair droid who served on Naboo's royal air force, which is stationed pretty much in the Castle. This is a perfect position to send inside information about Naboo to the emperor, who could then give it to the Trade Federation.

When our heroes escape t through the blockade, he is one of several droids who have to repair the shield generators. The others get  destroyed in eerily accurate fashion for being in a  spaceship moving real fast against a mothership shooting directly at it. If videogames have taught me something is that shooting something is at it's easiest when it's heading towards you. So R2 "fixes" the problem, by hooking up two cables together and they get to Tattoine, but not before he gets access to the Queen, and he can just hang tight and listen to all the secret Throne Room gossip.

He Watches...From the Shadows...

This is where it gets a bit complex. Quigon Jinn, who is already not the sharpest knife in the drawer, starts getting himself involved in a bid to fix the ship in order for it to get to  Coruscant, by getting a part from a shady scrap dealer, and somehow decides to  acquire a young boy. Keep in mind, Quigon is the only person who agrees with taking the boy. Everyone else feels it is a bad idea.  Obiwan thinks he's another  mouth on the  mission, The Jedi Council feel great danger, the audiences hate him. The only ones who feel  he should be there are Quigon Jinn and George Lucas.  And what do you know, first step down the ship it's R2d2, following Quigon for purposes of helping identify the part. Which he doesn't. Could R2D2 have been manipulating Jinn? Remember, Jiinn was not strong enough to manipulate some bucktoothed  junk salesman. His mental capacities aren't legendary.

Then, out of all the planets in the galaxy, of all the towns in Tattoine, an Sith assassin manages to track them down to the exact place they landed in. An assassin who was earlier shown to be WITH Darth Sidious/Palpatine, presumably in Coruscant. SOMEONE told Sidius that the important people the Trade Federation was looking for  where on some planet. I think it was R2. Sure, he's never shown to have that kind of intergalactic transmitting capabilities, but we'll soon learn R2D2 has many things we never knew about.

Eventually, though they make it to Coruscant, successfully play into a tyrant's ploy for power, and go back to  Tattoine to singlehandedly stop the whole thing anyway. R2D2 stays with the boy and "he" accidentally flies a starship and uses it to blow up a bigger ship.  Yes, a little kid who grew up on some third world hut, is apparently able to figure out a superadvanced ship, while his robot companion just boops and beeps, totally not manipulating the ship.

Autopilot, yeah sure. "Oh, this autopilot is totally taking me to a battle that will cement my status as  a Force sensitive! Stop It!"

And so, "Anakin" successfully eliminates the main problem of the first movie. So R2D2 sticks with Obi Wan and Anakin for 10 years, until someone tries to murder Amidala, now a senator.  He's the only one she lets in her room before her next assassination attempt, which is a shame, because his course of action  upon witnessing the murderbugs a robot lets in is to not move and tell no one. Think about it, R2 himself could have killed them, as he's not possible to poison. Could have run 'em over with his wheels or  one of those things that come out of him. He's clearly not only observing it, but  he must have told the bad guys where she was in detail.

He then goes on to participate on Anakin's breaking of his Jedi vows and his fall to the Dark side. This is pretty creepy. Think about it: This guy is killing children within his sight! And he doesn't intervene, he doesn't tell anyone. He's not unfazed. You assume he's friends with someone, that he has some kind of ethics. If he's willing to sit out events like this, why not assume he'd actually manipulate them?

Then he throws C3PO into a factory to almost certain dissasembly. And he flies above it all with his rockets. It's important, this rockets have never been used in the service of anyone else. But we're already seeing a picture of a character with no scruples, who, while all his "friends" go on to a death duel with supermonsters, he's off minding his own business.  I guess he sort of helps C3PO from the situation he put him on later. We all know about these two. But from the looks of it, it's a rather abusive relationship.

It is an order! Marry them...NOW!

So R2 goes on to witness the wedding of Anakin. Of note: He's not just ANAKIN'S robot. He works along with Obi Wan. So, it doesn't ever come up, like for accident or something. Or  He doesn't tell anyone?"Beep Eep, Oooooo! What's that, Artoo? Married to Padme?"

By the next movie, the only 5 people know of the marriage: the couple, R2 and 3pio and Senator Palpatine. How this last one knows, hhmm... I just can't say...

But here's a picture suggesting the answer.

So the mission to rescue Palpatine kicks off Ep 3, and R2D2 is, as always, the one surviving robot. It is here he hints at his multiple combat capabilities. Besides flying, he can shock things with a taser, and douse them in fuel. He can even do a thing I don't understand.

But whatever it is I would never want something this dangerous happening near me, at crotch level.

This abilities never come up in dangerous situations. Even when it does, it's usually on a ship, where R2 himself is in danger. When it's about helping other people, it's like he's very selective...

So, when the real bad shit goes down, R2 immediately sides with Darth Badguy on the murder of The last of the Separatists, as well as Obiwan. It's actually a little surprising that Obi Wan later picks him up and gives him to Jimmy Smits who has C3Po mindwiped and not him.  This means that, going in to the original trilogy, R2 knew everything: Luke's Father, the whole conspiracy everything, that Obi Wan is a Jedi... He never uses any of that. He never uses any of his abilities again. He's evil, I tell you!

Or this movies are badly written. I don't know. Whichever makes most sense,  I guess.

Horrendous Theory: The Sith's Inside Man at 5:54 PM

Beeb-Boop Beep Satan...I mean Beep!

There's been a lot of Star Wars talk lately. And it always comes back to how poorly plotted those damn prequels where. How come one guy who can feel waves of the force can be so dumb as to not feel the evil in the evilest guy in the galaxy sitting across the room? How can  the villain's  plan be this all encompassing and yet this detailed, this informed?

I may have the  answer for that last one. The Emperor has an throughout the prequels that relayed information to him. And he was there almost the entire way. R2D2.

Dun-Dun DA!

Horrendous Theory: Optimus Prime is EVIL at 7:54 AM

You can trust this attempt at a face!

Now, I'm not much of a Transformer G1 fan. Was way more into Beast Wars. But don't you guys find that in the movie's Optimus is a bit...ruthless?

I began noticing in Revenge of the Fallen.  The first action sequence ends with Optimus having this exchange with a maimed and defenseless Decepticon.

Optimus Prime: Any last words?
Wheelbot: This is not your planet to rule! The Fallen shall rise again!
Chief Master Sergeant Epps: [puzzled] That did not sound good.
Optimus Prime: Not today.
[blasts Wheelbot in the head]

"Any last words" is what a character, usually a villain, says when he's about to execute a person. It indicates that what follows is a clear path for the would be victim: "There is no possibility I won't kill you, you are given a final chance to mark our lives before you die." It is troubling that what we assume is a good guy chooses this words. See, in movies, usually the good guys don't "execute"  their villains. They defeat them in combat, either on equal grounds or with the hero at a disadvantage. Normally heroes aren't given the choice of whether or not to kill, and if your good guy is...say, a cartoon icon for children, usually the choice is to let them live.

Why don't you guys learn from the masters?

Second, it really looks like Wheelbot is implying Optimus Prime could be interpreted as to want to rule the earth. This is strange. Why would he think that? Why, of all the words you could put into that robot's spiked mouth, would you put concern that Optimus would rule the earth? Is Optimus the leader of Cybertron or something? Aren't the Decepticons the randomly chaotic ones? Why won't Optimus even deny he won't  take over the earth?

In any case, after several minutes of  Dog humpin, jive talking, Shia Leboufing action, the climax of the film takes place.  And after that, Optimus Prime fights The Fallen and Megatron. Optimus  handles both with ease. And then this happens.

Optimus, again, being a big fan of fatalities, chooses to rip off his opponent's face while saying : "Give ME YOR FACE!"

Now, we like our heroes to mix it up with the killing and making with one liners. But this isn't a Bond pun. This isn't  I lied.
It's not funny or ironic or set up to or a joke. He's saying he will rip his face off. And then he does.

If they where human...this would be a war crime.

Of course, he's just an evil robot who had it, coming you might say. But what purpose does it serve to rip your opponent's facial expressions as you execute them?   What kind of psycho rips away  someone else's face? Is our hero on the same league as  Leatherface and that Chimp that went crazy?

Autobuts, transform and roll out!

And lastly, there's Cry for the Moon Bark at the Moon In the Dark of the Night Dark of the Moon. I haven't seen it, but I have it on good authority Optimus Prime and the Autobots actually let  a city be laid to waste and countless humans die just to teach humanity a lesson. Yes, a lesson.


In the context in which it is offered to me, I heard humans order the Autobots to leave earth , in order to try and negotiate an armistice with their enemies, the Decepticons. Quickly the Decepticons  try to kill the Autobots and lay waste to a city after apparently blowing them up murdering humans all willy nilly, straight up hunting them and exterminating them.


While everyone thinks the Autobots are dead, they eventually come back. But not before Optimus points out they took their sweet time because humans had to understand how evil this evil robots are.

Yeah, I get it now! Go with the colored robots, not the gray robots! Got it!

And again, I haven't seen it, but doesn't that sound like a shrewd political move? You create sympathy and necessity for Autobots when Decepticon's top most powerful leader already had his face removed and his ticker raped, and as I hear by the end of this movie , all the bad guys have died. WHat's the lesson here again?  Don't fuck with Optimus?

Saviors? Buddy, you just got false flagged. Optimus' rise to power is at hand.

Horrendous Theory: Optimus Prime is EVIL at 7:54 AM

You can trust this attempt at a face!

Now, I'm not much of a Transformer G1 fan. Was way more into Beast Wars. But don't you guys find that in the movie's Optimus is a bit...ruthless?

I began noticing in Revenge of the Fallen.  The first action sequence ends with Optimus having this exchange with a maimed and defenseless Decepticon.

Optimus Prime: Any last words?
Wheelbot: This is not your planet to rule! The Fallen shall rise again!
Chief Master Sergeant Epps: [puzzled] That did not sound good.
Optimus Prime: Not today.
[blasts Wheelbot in the head]

"Any last words" is what a character, usually a villain, says when he's about to execute a person. It indicates that what follows is a clear path for the would be victim: "There is no possibility I won't kill you, you are given a final chance to mark our lives before you die." It is troubling that what we assume is a good guy chooses this words. See, in movies, usually the good guys don't "execute"  their villains. They defeat them in combat, either on equal grounds or with the hero at a disadvantage. Normally heroes aren't given the choice of whether or not to kill, and if your good guy is...say, a cartoon icon for children, usually the choice is to let them live.

Why don't you guys learn from the masters?