Believe me, I don’t yearn for the ruination of pop culture icons. They definitively give me something to write about every once or twice, but in general, I’m not a fan of pissing off fandom. However, in these days the art of ruinage is a lost art.
Back in the late XX Century, It took a lot to really poison the well. Yes, I’m claiming ruining stuff was better in my day. Get the hell off of my lawn, you're not doing it right! We didn’t bat an eyelash when Batman went around killing people like we do now when Superman kills a very bad guy, no sir. We were too busy worrying about how Superman was having original enemies invented to him because God help us if they look at a comic. Having been inspired by classics like Lost in Space and Inspector Gadget, here’s my, probably unrealized forever, plans to ruin your childhood forever.
Dr Doom is Anonymous
I don’t think the upcoming Fantastic 4 Reboot could really do Doom much worse than the last one, what with Doom having the lamest parts of other Supervillains under a Dr Doom shell.
|Hell, Corman's was better. And they payed for the movie to not exist!|
Or at least I didn’t think so until they announced that they hadn’t exactly locked the main villain’s actual gender.
Now, I don’t think A female Victor(ia?) Von Doom would be all that ruinous. Hell, Eva Green is my Femdoom of choice. But I was just thinking, why wouldn’t they have settled on something already?
Then it hit me like a Vibranium ladle: maybe Dr Doom isn’t any one person.
In an attempt to be all relevant and what not, my Doom would be an obvious ripoff of Anonymous.
Doom’s mask? Obvious analogue to those V for Vendetta masks. Doombots? That’s what the members of Anon-doom call themselves. Latveria? It’s about as real as Philosoraptor!
|Doom is not impressed by your DRM practices, Ubisoft...|
Oh, I can hear the gnawing of teeth and the wailing! I can taste the nerd tears! YOU GUYS ARE LUCK I DON’T WORK AT FOX!
Sonic Adventure 3 starring EVERYONE YOU DON’T LIKE!
There hasn’t been an universally agreed upon Sonic game since Sonic CD, if only because we all agreed not to stick consoles on top of other consoles anymore. The children who should be it’s target audience and the manchildren who grew up with it may never really agree on it enough, whether it’s a complete return to the old days, or a sudden turn into unexpected designs.
One thing we can all agree on, though is that who the hell is Mighty the Armadillo. That’s why I’d cover all the angles by making a sequel to Sonic Adventure and fill up the cast with character’s so divisive and obscure that they’ll beg for Big the Cat AND Princess Ellie to come back before long. I’m talking Bunnie Rabbot and Princess Sally(THE LEGAL HURDLES ARE NO MATTER TO ONE SUCH AS I), Ray the Squirrel, that polar Bear from Sonic the fighters…you can’t think it, I can put it there.
|WHY IS A DUCK CALLED BEAN!|
Naturally, they’d all have different gameplay types. In fact, only Sonic’s would involve running really fast around loops at all! Nyahahahahahahaha!
X-Men: Prof. Xavier is a Jerk
|There exist 0 images of an angry Hellen Page.|
Proffesor Xavier has always been an old, crazy asshole. Thishas been documented. But I feel Patrick Stewart and James McCavoy haven’t fully tapped into the jerk-well. His key offenses so far have been being a bad flirt(which, having mind control powers, is...kind of noble of him, actually), failing to divulge his full knowledge of Wolverine’s past, perhaps to keep him “in the team” and mentally suppressing Jean’s superpowers. But I think we all mentally suppressed X3, amirite?
But what if he were even more of a jerk? What if he psionically attacked Magneto with Holocaust memories? What if he pretended to die, and was hiding in the basement all along? What if he wiped Batman’s memory of when they gave Dr Light mental retardation after he raped Sue Dibny?
|Come on! THIS GUY? Really, Marvel?|
And more importantly, when he does these things, he should not show regret but smug, smug satisfaction.
The Matrix is actually magic
|I know about the suckage!|
Earlier this week I was going to write my revamped sequel/prequel yearly predictions, and thought that this was the year The Matrix was coming back, when out of the blue Latino_Review shows up with some heresay. Ha. You don’t have to believe me, that’s the kicker: If I had only written it down as considered. Alas, Blue Swan kept me busy.
But basically with the Matrix, the problem is the story is done as done gets. The hero dies, the war is over, messiah triumphs over death, and everything is hunky dory. Everything, that is, except for a few questions. How come Neo could control things outside the program? Is the “real world” also a computer program? If so, is basically everything achieved in this movies a waste of time?
Like all good questions, the answer is that a wizard did it. Imagine Neo waking up to a kindly bearded old man. He questions why he is alive, after so obviously having been dead. Why he now has eyes again. The kindly wizard puts his hands on Keanu’s shoulder.
“All in due time, Neo…son of Merlin…”
Yes, as it turns out, in the burned out husk that's left of earth there exists magic, which is also the source of The Matrix illusory powers? No more philosophizing about the nature of reality, no suh. Just find the magic Matrix Sword, Neo!
Alien: Bring on the Giga-Aliens!
The Alien franchise has transitioned from tension filled horror to action franchise to whatever the devil Prometheus is in 5 short films. It’s time we ramped it up…to the extreme!
New Aliens are invading earth, but this aren’t your father’s endoparasitic nightmare horrors, oh no! These are massive, T Rex sized aliens, basically grabbing ships form the sky and eating them. Enter Ricall, the daughter of Call(Winona Ryder) and Ripley the Clone(Sigourney Weaver), played by Michelle Rodriguez. Fuck you for questioning how an Xenomorph Human hybrid lady and a Gynoid can have babies. They cloned Ripley out of molen lead and the clone came up half alien. I’m surprised she can’t shoot molten lead, too. Fuck a logic Alien Franchise.
So basically Ricall decides to rid the earth of these Aliens once and for all, so she arms up and starts blasting all the Giant Aliens, until it is revealed Lance Henrikksen’s character of Bishop is reincarnated into the King of the Xenomorphs, and so must Ricall fly to planet Aliens and kick some ass! Get me Michael Bay on the phone!
Star Wars finally comes home.
I’m sure we’ll be discussing the choices made in the new Star Wars OMNIOLOGY (It’s a movie each year, ya guys. It won’t end until Disney owns all the money.) for years. All I can say is I’d be glad they stop fleecing the past. The future is filled with possibilities.
If you really want to wreck Star Wars at this point, now that the Force is Germs and Darth Vader became Darth Vader because he was a whiny jerk that really liked a girl, andbuilt C3P0, what’s left. Well, the world. Imagine, three movies (not counting spinoffs. Nobody care about no Bobba Fett movie!) of adventures, the heroes arrive at a peace of sorts. One of them, whichever is the Han Solo, continues to explore the universe with his wifey. He finds a planet, but not like the others we’ve seen. No Womp Rats here, only regular rats. She says the planet is uncharted, and he says he’ll get to name it. He bends down and picks up a fistful of dirt.
We’ll call it…Earth….
WHATCHUSAYWHATCHUSAYWHATCHUSAYWHA! (Guitar riff) WAAAAAAKEEE UUUUUUUUUP! WAAAAKEEEEE UUUUUUUUP!
My game is called "Blue Swan". As said bird, you must rescue the 7 princesses of the kingdom ad thwart the dark warlock Bartrog. Follow the arrows to find the princesses underground, in the air, and even underwater, while avoiding spikes, steam, and all manner of pernitious creatures. Get it today!
In truth, I wanted to put some more things in it, especially sounds, But I had much stuff to do IRL. Maybe later, I make update, eh?
Enought talk! Get it here!
|Did...did I leave my symbolism at home?|
Robocop and I have a history. I was 4 years old when we first met. Before I knew to answer to my teacher what color the cat was(oddly enough, "orange". and not my estimated "yellowish stripes, variedly dark), or what went after 1989, I knew the tale of Alex Murphy, a cop from the future that was killed and came back as a better cop (because this time he was a more Robo.)
So I'm in a perfect position to say that this year's Robocop starring Michael Kinnaman and directed by Jose Padilhla, will completely destroy the foundations of my childhood, If only because I've more respect for Peter Weller in a robot suit than I have for most strangers. I will not claim that. Asides from common remake arguments like "I don't have to watch it" or " I don't have the money to watch it", "seriously, where the hell are my priorities?" I don't feel a movie as strong as Robocop (1987) can be destroyed by ill conceived by products that Paul Verhoeven has nothing to do with. If it was so, it would have happened a long time ago, and perhaps it would have happened when they made...:
|"What do you mean the warranty doesn't cover this?|
If kid me had been asked how many sequels Robocop should have had, I'd have probably simply laid out some kind of bi-weekly Robocop sequel program while drooling all over my Super Mario Bros 2 shirt. If it'd been suggested one of these movies would have had Robocop fight robot ninjas and robot druggies and have a jetpack and an arm cannon, I'd have had a seizure, because I like all those things and they're putting them in Robocop. Okay, not the druggies, but they're bad guys, so it's awesome.
But older me's grown to appreciate the non-robot parts of the film. Paul Verhoeven's greatest success was making a movie that's a different kind of awesome as you get older. It works as a satire, yet it can be seen played straight. It's hockey and ridiculous and Robocop moves very silly, but the subtlety with which it handles things is incredible. But the sequels did not fully grasp that, and in fact, I might as well say that none of the following articles in this list did. The studios had their cash cow, and the milking was to be sloppy and careless, especially after the third movie. Wait...
|It's a pretty sweet game.|
I think there comes a time where you realize you got it. You have an ability that is worth something to someone. Something you can do that not everyone can. I figured this out just last week. This is why as of today, I am opening up commissions for videogames. That's right, for enough moolah I could be creating your video game.
Perhaps you have always wanted to star in one, or maybe you want your spouse or offspring to do so as a special gift. Maybe you have this killer idea that could be the next Angry Birds, but you lack the technical knowledge to show off the idea. A proof of concept demo can really be what convinces your financiers, whether they be EA or a Crowd-sourcing group, to see it done. Maybe you want something educational, or something religious in nature. Or maybe you just want to play as your original character, in the name of fun. Well, now it's all possible, thanks to me. Here are the ground rules.
I make your game for 60, 80, or 100 American Dollars, depending on the grade of effort your idea takes and the amount of resources I have to create. 60 we're talking Tetris for the Game Boy(but obviously I'm not going to make it only green. Unless that's what you want.). 80 We're talking Sonic 2 for the Sega Genesis. 100 for Super Mario World for the NES. I'll shave off 10 dollars if you provide the music(or choose not to have it). I'll shave off 10 if you provide the graphics.I'll shave off 10 if you provide the sounds. And for an extra 50 you can take away the editable of the game.
At this point I am not taking on massive, 1000 + hours RPGs with millions of characters and sidequests. I am not making anything to do with polygons and 3D either. Frankly, I need money soon. Anything else within the bounds of reason, I could do.
Now, you may be wondering exactly what my proof is that I can make a game. Well, check the link below for a game I made for Itchio's Candy Jam. Made in a week, from the top to the bottom.
Edit: I also did Blue Swan, for the FlappyJam.
Imagine what I could do with even more time and with financial motivation! So don't delay. Email me at Drawnder@gmail.com and we'll figure something out.
|It's the Chinese year of the crank.|
Either way, if you are reading this you, like me, might want to make the odd projects now and then, like my terrible Smallville game, or my hopefully less terrible book "Fighting Hero of the Galaxy". If your project is any of the below things, perhaps you would allow me do dissuade you. I don't think you'd listen to me, but perhaps influenced by my words, you'd maybe put a little more effort on...
5 )Mario/Sonic/Zelda Fangames
|Finally. After so many years. A Mario REVIVAL.|
Let's be blunt here: We don't need anymore fangames based on sprites that are as old as me. I think Mario, Sonic, and Zelda are so completely played out in fan made content that Nintendo and Sega might as well stop trying.
I get it: you guys love Sonic. I loved Sonic. I wanted to make Sonic Fan games before many of you were born. But If you want anyone to give a fuck about your Sonic fan game, you have to make it something really special. What's your plan, then? Is it "just" a Sonic game, but now we can play as green Sonic and Gray Tails. Think about it.
I thought the other day: Hay, how about if I make Super Mario 64...but in 2D! How cool would...let me google search...Goddamn. Again, I don't say you suck for doing a fangame based on serieses that have 2 official entries a year, but find a niche. Find an angle, or do another, more dormant franchise. Because just Mario just ain't special no more.
4) Medieval Fantasy Story
Do you want to make a fantasy story? Are there dragons, wizards, and the types of humanoids Tolkien put into his books? If you want your book/rpg/screenplay to stand out, my advise is to start over.
I freely admit that I've never been fully captivated by the Medieval Fantasy stories. I kind of tolerate it as one of the basic narrative genres. But guys, these things are overdone. We call these stories fantasy stories, as if the Knight-Princess-King-Dragon was the only kind of story in the past you could put heroes, heroines, lords and monsters in. What about africa? What about the non greek cultures of the pre classic period? What about a mythology that isn't as played out?
I'm just saying, go read up on other mythologies before diving into tired and true tales of orcs and goblins and crap. If you still want to make a story about medieval fantasy, fine. At least now you can make that a little less tired?
3) A "retro" take on a modern franchise
|Get it? Because it totally could have happened but didnt!|
Look, you can hit the links above to prove me a hypocrite, but the truth is, "retro" aesthetics are becoming the domain of lazy designers who don't want to pay for animation. Yeah, I said it. You guys make it look like a Snes game because that way you can make an ugly looking game while getting praise for retroness. Earthwom Jim and Custer's Revenge both equally count as Retro, but only one of them has sweet animation.
So let's take a moratorium on making retro versions of modern day blockbusters. I mean, it's funny and all, but we should perhaps step back and consider that it wasn't so long ago that what we do for laughs and nostalgia used to be called "shitty Game Boy Color Port". Nobody Fondly Looks back on the real "Retro" Virtua Fighter and "Retro" Battle Arena Toshiden and "Retro" Crazy Taxi. Is your retro take good on it's own, or is it just a shitty port?
2) Angry Birds anything that isn't a videogame.
Angry Birds Star Wars Jenga. I'll kill myself if they make a movie version of this.
1) A Supehero who is a deconstruction of Superman/Batman
|Not a dream! Not an imaginary story! Not...really that clever...|
No. No. Non. Don't do it. No more. Everyone and their grandmother litterally knows Superman. Everyone has already wondered what if the boyscout where evil. Or an asshole. Or a Nazi. Or a rapist. Or insane. Or ubersane. Or gay. Or bi. Or black. Or Asian. We do not need anymore versions of Superman. And you can just copy that and paste it and replace Superman with Batman.
I like this guys, don't misunderstand me. But there are other superheroes out there. Come on. Don't be lazy. And that's basically my advise for everyone else.
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