The Case for Old Lara Croft

I'm trying to imagine 15 year old me seeing THIS as Lara Croft.

So, that new Tomb Raider sure is probably something, huh? I mean, I can't play it because I'm not made out of Next Gen Consoles, but I guess seeing it have the success it has had means that 2013's Lara Croft is here to stay. Wait, let me check that. Oh, wait, aparently the new game bombed.

 Like Batman Begins, the game took an earnest  look at the what had and hand;t been done with the character and tried to do some king of "realistic" self-serious character study on that lady that once used to shoot dinosaurs out of her infinite ammo twin pistols.

No offense meant by what I'm going to say now. I don't think Nu TR is, pardon the stupid terms, an SJWing of Tomb Raider. It's just a different new take, no less worthy to be called Tomb Raider than any other game.

But I want the old Lara back.

The Lara with the huge lips and perky smile. The Lara with the wide hips and jutting breasts. The Lara that was an adventurer, in the old school way. I want her back. And I intend to make my case for that, here.

Before you say that I'm a big old horndog that just wants to see a woman with an improbable anatomy, let me get this out of the way: I am and that's part of the reason. Why not. What's wrong with wanting a fictional character to be physically desirable to me? You wouldn't ask for a "serious" version of Jacob from Twilight, with all the cheesecake removed.  He was built for cheesecake, and so was Lara Croft. It's why we loved them.

Some might say Lara Croft's body was exaggerated and ridiculous. And I say...yeah, that was kind of the point.

You see, Lara was a caricature. Caricatures, for all of you who haven't heard, is an exaggerated abstraction , where you take a character's most prominent features and blow them out of proportion. Say, for example, you want to make a caricature of Barrack Obama. You would do something like this.

Now, for the ur examples of a caricature of a sensual woman, you have, say Betty Boop...
Betty Boop gets too much head.
Or that chick from the Tex Avery cartoons...
(Sonic 06 joke)
Or Jessica Rabbit, who is a parody of those kind of characters taken to extremes.
They're all wearing one dress between them.
A lot could be made that Lara's sole appeal was her enormous funbags and nothing else, to which I would reply negatively. For you see, if that's the case, how could she have made it into 2015? She wasn't the ONLY sexy female character to exist. Not the least clothed, not the biggest tittied. You'd think the moment the next mynx showed up we'd all declare Lara over and move on. But no.

Because you see, Lara Croft became an icon at some point. You could put her in a crowd, and tell she was Lara Croft. Even if she was dressed completely different.To Prove that, I have devised a social excersise.

Hover your mouse above THIS link. Do not click yet.  When you open it, it will lead you to an image. Find Lara Croft in the crowd. Now click.

If you think I'm lying, I'm going to play a game with you. I'm  making a collage of faces below. Spot Lara Croft. Come on. I double dog dare you. I double my dogs.

Now, which Lara did you spot before?

Now, this isn't an indictment of the new series, it's art direction, or it's gameplay. Again, too poor to judge by myself. I'm just saying, if I where calling the shots, I'd take Lara back to her roots in caricature. The whole world would be exagerated and cartoony and FUN.

I do somewhat question that now that videogames and it's characters can look like litterally anything, show anything onscreen, that Lara now looks like just another woman. Splendorous graphical showcase, but a boring, safe choice, in my opinion.

And we could have BOTH, you know. The Same way Batman acknoweledges the 60's TV series as an old take and not as an old shame, there could be a sub-line of TR games running counter to Nu-Raider. I don't know. Maybe some day.

What did Youtube think this says?

What ass story mark.

Mary Sue likes boobs, yo, don't blame THEM for DOAX3!

Feminism. Sometimes it's fighting to be in a bikini,sometimes it's fighting not to be in a bikini. 

Look, I unfollowed Mary Sue in a fit of "We'll never see eye to eye on this" months ago. And "THIS" in this case being this. I only ocassionally find out about them because I have a Google Alert on Fighting Games, and Mary Sue always keeps up with the latest on FiHahahahahaahahaha who am I kidding, they only mention them whenever they need something to pinch awhile.

You see, I'm not an unreasonable man. I don't get angry every time somebody says or does something that falls under the umbrella of what I hesitate to call "Social Justice Warrior" stuff. I hesitate to call it that because there's actual social justice out there that doesn't involve videogames and comic covers and...TV shows. I say this as an American non-white citizen without the ability to vote for the president or representation on congress based on the fact we where conquered 100 years ago that I would find it an acceptable trade if they could make the entire cast of the Power Rangers into white, blond men if I could only have that extra sway on the directions of the nation. I don't care about a Ranger "representing me" as much as some might have lead you to believe. I didn't growing up. I don't now.

But the impact of these factors is seemingly being felt. People are making moves to pander to these bases and avoid their rage, and you know what? That's fine...Sort of.

For example, Dead Or Alive Xtreme Beach Volleyball 3 is not coming out in the West. And the developer has pretty much said it's because, you know, having seen that here in the West apparently women are doing all the buying and so, they KNOW the game is gonna catch that kind of heat, so it' dice.

The West has put the writing on the wall, and it's "We're being huge prudes about sex right now. " Personally, I owned DOAX 1 and it was a nice and interesting game. Yes, I did leer and oogle, but I also enjoyed the gameplay, and the scenery and just the overall chillness of the game.

It's weird, because it's not a game with any goals. You don't have to win more, or meet any criteria before it ends. You play and enjoy it, pick your partners, drop other ones, make money, and collect trinkets that you pretty much couldn't use for shit.

You're not killing anyone like in Halo and Call of Duty, or on some grand quest. You can even just kind of end the game. I loved it.

And you know who else loved it? My sisters. That's right, my sisters played DOAX. It wasn't the only game we had. But they loved themselves some DOAX. Probably not on the same way I loved it, but there was something in there for them.

So, what is Mary Sue's response to people being completely ridiculous by being angry that a game they wanted is now confined to the complicated realm of imports because of people being offended at a game so, SO obviously not meant for them? Let's break it down.

Basically, it ridiculizes people who are angry about  this, and lay claims that DOA is a stupid niche series that nobody wants anyway and even less people want the DOA Volleyball spinoff and that THAT is the real reason.

No, you're confusing Dead Or Alive with Touki Densho Angel Eyes. It's an understandable mistake. Both are Tecmo made fighting game series with a lot of focus on sexy women. However, that series died with most of the fighting game boom in the 90's. It's on PSN, if you even care.

But most people don't, so there wasn't a Touki Densho 2.

Dead or Alive is one of the few surviving series of the 3D fighting boom popularized by Tekken and Virtua Fighter. A series like that would not be able to get 5 games and 3 spinoffs if it was merely a niche product.  As for people not caring about it, I bring you this chart again.
For Fucks sake, DOA5 beat out Rise of the Tomb Raider on global sales, and that's a from a dead genre vs one of the largest current ones.

So it's not that they don't know if it'll sell. It's got an audience.  But then there's their other argument, that obviously only an idiot would believe that feminists hate sexy, bouncing breasts.
"Mary Sue: Developers always do things for the reason we say they do!"

I don't believe all feminists everywhere feel that. However, Mary Sue specifically?
English isn't my first language, but is there a positive context for "insidious"?

I know where I stand. I like me some sexy mommas, I like them to be strong characters too, I support equal pay, and I also think  you don't heat up food you aren't gonna eat. If you catch me contradicting myself on that, let me know.

Where the hell do you stand on anything, Mary Sue?

Son of a Pitch: The Bible Uncut

Jesus, Christ, guys, even the animated movie got Jeff Goldblum as Moses' Brother!

The Internet has been a boon for fan effort. Whereas before lots of legwork and mouth talking was required to get a fan movie going, cans can now access both the technical knoweledge and like minded individuals from across the world.

For example, The Star Wars uncut series is the ultimate letter of love to Star Wars movies. Various people are assigned small parts of Star Wars to recreate, however they can and want.The resulting mishmash of styles, genres, genders and tones is truly a sight to behold.

I think the "uncut" format would be great for another work with lots of fans: The Bible!
Unsurprisingly, there was a remake in 2013
While "Religious films" now a days tend to be lower budget preachfests , there was an era where not only did the idea of making Bible movies as grand, screen filling spectacle was considered   normal, but it profitable enough that at least one filmmaker attempted to get the whole Bible onscreen, in a movie that, accounting for intermission, could eat away a whole day of easter.

But the idea of doing the whole Bible, including every story and subplot and  weird fable about plant races, is an insurmountable challenge for any one person or group. Every King in a 3000 + year dinasty is accounted for by name. Long lines of descendants are described. Allegorical visions are described. Rape happens. Foreskins are cut. Long beards are had. Differing interpretations are rampant. Stories are told, and then retold with differing details. Coats are described as being left behind in letters.

But I think we owe it to ourselves as a society to make the bible as a long form video. It would be beneficial to all. Christians who don't read the Bible would be able to do away with all that pesky reading and simply bask in on the knoweledge of what happens in the Bible, and even those who aren't thrilled by seeing Jesus presented as a robot COULD be inspired to look at their own beliefs beyond  a superficial level. Those who don't believe in the bible or God could at least have some insight on the events as presented beyond "And then they did this, that's totally what happened."
Some stories benefit from context, Mel.
And besides, as one of the oldest compilations of stories and the most read book in the world, having the full bible available as a video would be kind of a big  deal for humanity as a whole. The Bible covers the periods of multiple of the most influential empires in the  preclassic and classic eras. We owe it to ourselves. And it'd be kind of fun.

So what do you say, guys? What parts of the Bible would you call dibs on? And no, you can't pick Song of Songs.

That's spoken for. :)

It wouldn't be as simple as that, though.  While Star Wars has a running time, and scenes, the Bible doen't come with a running time, and if it did it'd probably be huuuge. At least the first books tend to be "The whole lives of people", which  is basically a movie all on it's own. Do we split it according to ammount of chapters, pages? We could get each person to do "what they want" but then we're probably gonna get some parts nobody is going to want to do?  If you are interested in forming part of "The Bible: Uncut" chime in below and tell me, what scenes would you do, and how you would make it, as well as any ideas for divying up the chapters.

Negative Nancy: The TOP 5 Most Misoginist games of the year!

I don't have opinions. I AM OPINIONS

(In order to be more hip with the kids today, I intend to bring you  more socially conscious messages, under the lable Nega Nancy)

The year isn't over, but I'm already pretty sure what the most sexist games are gonna be this year. Remember that just because something is DAMAGING TO THE PSYCHE and A STEP BACK INTO THE MIDDLE AGES doesn't mean you can't like it. You horrible person.

Remember some of these games might be not even be out yet, but It's still sexist because I say so.

5: Shift Stick
 Oh, what? This game decided that a man would rather fuck a car than a woman? I take this as a statement on all cars, all men and all women. The Statement is women are objects, just objects that are not currently present at the screen. Typical Cis male thoughts, no doubt...

4: Mortal Kombat X

Mortal Kombat THINKS it can get into my good graces by limiting the amount of sinflesh it is showing compared to previous outings. But sadly, the reduced sensuality is in this case is just troubling. The game is clearly trying to say that a woman can't be sexy, can't be sexual, and still strong and powerful. I mean, I can say that, and it's not troubling, but they can't implicitly say that, even under my advice.

3)Grim Fandango: Remastered

Grim Fandango is a  point and click adventure game, and as phallic as that is, we're not even at the core complaint, yet: They remastered the game, and did not take time to allow for a female playable Manny Calavera.  They had  more than a decade to make a female Manny Calavera, and DID NOT. Pass.

2) Metal Slug

This game either includes women as playable characters and enemies or doesn't. You know it's sexist either way.

1)Kaio: King of Pirates

I admit to a bit of a double standard.  Catfight might be less sexist than Street Fighter in certain respects, but Catfight is also super shitty, so I'd rather pile on it for being sexist as well. Quality can distract me from that kind of complaint.

So Kaio King of the Pirates is a game that was cancelled. That's worst that it having it been released, so, ergo, the game is the most sexist game of the year. Got it? Good.

What did Youtube think this says?

"You're Fi-ay-ayred!"

Sarcastic article cancelled on account of real life really being that stupid.

2 crossbows? Isn't that just like a woman...

So you may have noticed I have a new section called "Nega Nancy" in which I try to emulate the trend of  just taking anything and everything and shitting on it for not being feminist enough. And I had planned to make a new one about Linkle.

It was going to be a fun one too: I would be all "Why that's SEXIST!"

Unfortunately, the site I was parodying beat me to the punch in an article more funny that anything I could myself write.

Mary Sue basically decided Linkle is a disappointment and that wanting James Bond to be Black and  and This or that other character to be a minority or women is worthless. So, what are they gonna do, throw themselves in a dumpster? Half their stories are how this and that character being black or a woman or gay is  awrsome, and what's left is praise for any half baked attempt to do so.

Just on Female Link they insisted that  there was no reason Link couldn't be female a bunch of times.

But I guess there is a reason: That Zelda is SO SEXIST IT SHOULD NOT EXIST AT ALL.

I guess it's NOT encouraging that the prospect of a female Link is on Big N's mind now that it's taken a form beyond words.

Look, I don't expect you to LOVE Linkle. I'd understand because it's mostly a stunt, and while you usually just fall for any half assed stunt promising diversity, I don't think A FEMALE LINK IN THE DYNASTY WARRIORS ZELDA GAME IS THE GREATEST THING IN THE WORLD.

But, you did. You said it was important. You made more than one article about it. You said it did no harm. Now apparently it causes all the harm. Because you want something to cure you of the pinkphobia you've cultivated for so many years.

But that's what happens when you see female characters only for how "women" they are. Don't you see? You've trapped yourself under your own standards. "Pink" "Girly" "Princessy" females are no good because they express traditional ideas and expectations of femininity. "Tomboyish" "Scratch Kneed" and  "Basically a female version of the male character" is no good because you want the work to tell YOU to like "Pink" "Princessy" and "Girly" and that's just  basically "masculine".

Normal people (that aren't paid to gripe about comic covers that aren't even the only ones available) don't have that problem, because they recognize there is a diversity of possible female existences. A woman can be a pink loving stay at home mom. Or a woman can be a butch bike rider. Or a woman can even bombshell sexpot.  Or as you call them, "regressive gender role afirmations"  "A poorly presented woman" or "Not a rolemodel regardless of other factors involved."

So, never change, Mary Sue. Just...take it easy, okay?  Let  parodies to your ridiculousness some room to breath over here.

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