The Problem with Michael Bay

The state of your shit is: REAL For illegal paramilitary foreign action, press 1, to say a catchphrase, press 2, to hear all options...


There have been many  words shed about the recent, disheartening Ninja Turtles script leak. I was sitting at the fence of this one topic, thought not out of choice. I had written previously a long article about the silliness of changing the Mutants to Aliens, but I never got it on time.

It raped my childhood DURING MY CHILDHOOD!
It wasn't the change per se. At it's core, we have to understand that TMNT has been readapted a crazy amount of times for a franchise that isn't that old. It's got more adaptations and origins and reboots that most franchises have in their entire history. In it's short existence, there have been less years than there aren't TMNT products present in some form of media than not.

And it's somehow almost never wrong. The Original comics and the 80s Cartoon are, at a glance, ridiculously different, and while many argue that the toon is a disservice to the books, both have their fans. The 2k3 series is quite different from both of those, and it stoll found it's adepts. The more grounded Live action movies are quite a leap from the magic warrior fest of the CG movie, and it's not the difference makes either of those bad.
Happy 300th post!

In essence, the Turtles are a malleable franchise. Which is why I thought perhaps this alien thing was much ado about nothing. Besides, Bay isn't even directing this thing! I kinda liked Battle: L.A.

But here's the thing: Look at the filmography of Francis Ford Coppola. Now look at  John Mc Tiernan's. Now Look at Michale Bay's. Do not compare the quality of the films(please, don't. For your own sake). Compare the variety of them.

Michael Bay  at some point got enough money and clout to do whatever kinds of films he wanted.  Surely, it must not have been an entirely mercenary desition to enter the movie world? There must be somethings that Michael Bay likes that he's rather make a film about? Why yes there are. Of his eleven directed movies, none of them do not contain:

America(playing the best-country-in-the-world angle)

Beautiful Cars(that are also paying Michael Bay by being onscreen)

Beautiful Women(that I'm sure some of them at least sleep with him.)

Over the Top action( by over-the-top I mean falling from a building and walking it off.)

Military Equipment and hardware

Juvenile Humor

 There is no problem with any of those things.NONE OF THOSE THINGS ARE BAD. Hell, most of them work pretty well in Bad Boys(although I think it's the only movie that stopped the whole action to show rats having sex. Seriously, what are you, 14?)


 The problem is that at a very early portion of his career, he realized that he didn't have to try to experiment. He could do the things he liked, and WE seemed to like it, judging by how much we where going to see it. The Island is a pseudo remake of an old movie where people are harvested for body parts, and he is unable to put any message about it except Boomaction! Pearl Harbor is a historical American tragedy and he can't deliver it without selling it off as WOOO AMERICA WINS! Michael Bay is not going to direct a medieval movie, because he can't get any U.S. army action in there. Michael Bay isn't  adapting any children's franchise if he can't have something humping something else.

So when you give him Transformers, or Ninja Turtles, he isn't thinking of the best way to make that story into a movie. That's priority number 56.  He's thinking how much Pro-America, how many Beautiful Cars and Beautiful Women, and Over-The Top Action and Military Equipment amd Juvenile Humor he can put in there. Because that's what he likes, and he assumes you want that too.

So it's not about the change about aliens being ridiculous anymore. This leak script proves that  Michael Benjamin Bay probably convinced the writer( who is an underling of the producer, and must follow his-er guidelines) to put all the things he likes in there. Cautious optimism isn't working out anymore. The  movie's obviously in the wrong hands, hands that shall not switch because hands payed money for it.

So if your like I was , and have not given up on all possibility that the future movie would be at least possibly not as bad as it could be, take heed: Michael Bay is no fan, Michael Bay is no artist, Michael Bay is no innovator, and Michael Bay only cares about Michael Bay. He's to hollow to put some heart into it, too selfish to just do his own fantasy franchise, and the only thing between him and the movie he wants is aparently us. Huh.

Stop him?

The Problem with Michael Bay

The state of your shit is: REAL For illegal paramilitary foreign action, press 1, to say a catchphrase, press 2, to hear all options...


There have been many  words shed about the recent, disheartening Ninja Turtles script leak. I was sitting at the fence of this one topic, thought not out of choice. I had written previously a long article about the silliness of changing the Mutants to Aliens, but I never got it on time.

It raped my childhood DURING MY CHILDHOOD!
It wasn't the change per se. At it's core, we have to understand that TMNT has been readapted a crazy amount of times for a franchise that isn't that old. It's got more adaptations and origins and reboots that most franchises have in their entire history. In it's short existence, there have been less years than there aren't TMNT products present in some form of media than not.

And it's somehow almost never wrong. The Original comics and the 80s Cartoon are, at a glance, ridiculously different, and while many argue that the toon is a disservice to the books, both have their fans. The 2k3 series is quite different from both of those, and it stoll found it's adepts. The more grounded Live action movies are quite a leap from the magic warrior fest of the CG movie, and it's not the difference makes either of those bad.
Happy 300th post!

In essence, the Turtles are a malleable franchise. Which is why I thought perhaps this alien thing was much ado about nothing. Besides, Bay isn't even directing this thing! I kinda liked Battle: L.A.

But here's the thing: Look at the filmography of Francis Ford Coppola. Now look at  John Mc Tiernan's. Now Look at Michale Bay's. Do not compare the quality of the films(please, don't. For your own sake). Compare the variety of them.

Michael Bay  at some point got enough money and clout to do whatever kinds of films he wanted.  Surely, it must not have been an entirely mercenary desition to enter the movie world? There must be somethings that Michael Bay likes that he's rather make a film about? Why yes there are. Of his eleven directed movies, none of them do not contain:

America(playing the best-country-in-the-world angle)

Beautiful Cars(that are also paying Michael Bay by being onscreen)

Beautiful Women(that I'm sure some of them at least sleep with him.)

Over the Top action( by over-the-top I mean falling from a building and walking it off.)

Military Equipment and hardware

Juvenile Humor

 There is no problem with any of those things.NONE OF THOSE THINGS ARE BAD. Hell, most of them work pretty well in Bad Boys(although I think it's the only movie that stopped the whole action to show rats having sex. Seriously, what are you, 14?)


 The problem is that at a very early portion of his career, he realized that he didn't have to try to experiment. He could do the things he liked, and WE seemed to like it, judging by how much we where going to see it. The Island is a pseudo remake of an old movie where people are harvested for body parts, and he is unable to put any message about it except Boomaction! Pearl Harbor is a historical American tragedy and he can't deliver it without selling it off as WOOO AMERICA WINS! Michael Bay is not going to direct a medieval movie, because he can't get any U.S. army action in there. Michael Bay isn't  adapting any children's franchise if he can't have something humping something else.

So when you give him Transformers, or Ninja Turtles, he isn't thinking of the best way to make that story into a movie. That's priority number 56.  He's thinking how much Pro-America, how many Beautiful Cars and Beautiful Women, and Over-The Top Action and Military Equipment amd Juvenile Humor he can put in there. Because that's what he likes, and he assumes you want that too.

So it's not about the change about aliens being ridiculous anymore. This leak script proves that  Michael Benjamin Bay probably convinced the writer( who is an underling of the producer, and must follow his-er guidelines) to put all the things he likes in there. Cautious optimism isn't working out anymore. The  movie's obviously in the wrong hands, hands that shall not switch because hands payed money for it.

So if your like I was , and have not given up on all possibility that the future movie would be at least possibly not as bad as it could be, take heed: Michael Bay is no fan, Michael Bay is no artist, Michael Bay is no innovator, and Michael Bay only cares about Michael Bay. He's to hollow to put some heart into it, too selfish to just do his own fantasy franchise, and the only thing between him and the movie he wants is aparently us. Huh.

Stop him?

5 Awesome characters (that where disappointing to play as)



I mean, how could it possibly be bad?

The folly of  hype: sometimes your favorite characters just aren't as awesome to play as in a videogame as they are to read as or look at or masturbate to. I mean, really, sometimes it's not the character's fault, but often expect so much of characters that are awesome as NPCs, unplayables or villains, but by the time it happens, you end up wondering: what happened?

5) Magneto: X-Men 2: Clone Wars
 
 When you think Magneto in terms of videogames, you think awesomely broken or bad Engrish quotes. But Magneto's debut in playability was decidedly more humble. 

 








Magneto: Master of the Power Walk!

Featured heavily in the box art and in blurbs on the back of the box, the fact that you could now play as the Master of Magnetism in this Sega Genesis plataformer sequel was, in fact, hyped. The first thing you wanted to do was take this bad boy for a spin, flying and bending metal and tearing ass through the game.  But syke! You don't even to choose your first character! And it's probably Beast!
 
FUUUUUUUCK!

But by the time you get to the 4rth-ish stage and defeat Magneto. 's clone, you get to play as him. How awesome is it? Not very. He doesn't really fly. He hovers in place. He can shoot magnetic thingies that explode into little thingies that kill the bad guys, but there are no enemies that complex in this game that make it an advantage. What a gyp!
You don't know what this means to 9 year old me.



But an understandable gyp, for sure. Hey, it's a plataformer. Once you can fly, that's most of the challenge gone. And let's not talk of implementing magnetism in a  Sega Genesis game.

However, because the developers knew that someday someone might be reasonable to them, they  chose the stage after Magneto  became playable to be  the hardest possible stage for him: an uphill climb up a tower with falling rocks. It's already fucking annoying for most the other characters, but when the character you most likely chose because of how awesome he is has the power to "stand absolutely still in the  air" that you can activate with one of the 3 working buttons as rocks pelt him own and trolls knock him down to a lower ledge, you will understand what "disapointment" truly means.


4) Eggman: Sonic Adventure 2

 
The whole hand!
The Sonic series successfully made awesome playables out of Tails and Knuckles. So what happened?

After people kinda didn't like many of the playstyles Sonic Adventure had, Sega narrowed it down to 3 styles of play separated between two teams of different spectrums of morality. One of those styles was of Mecha driver, a spiritual successor to the aim and shoot antics of E-102. The good guys had Tails, while the bad guys had  mustachioed megalomaniac Dr Eggman.

But, you know, it was the first time you could play as Robotnik/Eggman in the main Sonic series. At this point, his brand as series villain had sort of devaluated as bigger, badder, and less memorable monsters took center stage. But it was still Eggman. NOT  on his hovering, variedly armed vehicles. Not converting animals into robot animals. But on a mech. Shooting shit. 

So it is a little sad that we got to control Eggman during his mecha phase, is what I'm saying.

3)Velociraptor: Turok 2
Seriously, stand still. I want to kill, too!


Raptors are a boon to dinosaur enthusiasts. Before Jurassic Park it was all about how huge they where and how many times over you fit in their mouth. But the Spieldberg movie put raptors on notice and said:" you know, even a smaller, faster dinosaur could wreck your day."

So when we learned that Turok 2 would have the carnivore berserkers as playable multiplayer characters, we thought it would be really awesome. How cool would it be to swiftly and mercilessly jump at your unwise, guntoting enemies and gut them with your huge ass toe-claws.
Berserker Barrage!

Of course, we had forgotten an important part of any FPS: The "S".

Of course Raptors can't carry  guns. That would be stupid. The Raptor makes up for this lack of opposable thumbs by sheer speed. Also, you will certainly lose the game by score, but you can always fall back on the old "Of course I died. I was a fucking Raptor, and you had a  a plasma gun!"

Alternatively: "Moooom! Dylan's not playing fair!"
2) Bruce Lee: Bruce Lee: Quest of the Dragon
Yeesh. There's a bad side of dying at one's peak, huh? 


I don't think there has yet been a great playable Bruce Lee. Ironically, the many imitators tend to be closer in spirit that any upfront attempts at bringing  the father of the Martial arts movie genre back to virtual life.

However, I guess if I had to pick out one, it would be the one I played: 2002's Quest of the Dragon.

Featuring a dinky story where Bruce has to rescue his father from Ninjas while working as a secret agent, there is nothing awesome in the clunky, unintuitive fights Bruce Lee gets in. There is no relief in the repetitive voice over use. There is no rest on  the biggest anticlimactic final boss fight the Xbox ever saw. But if you like the Black Eyed Peas, in the intro menu there's...
I mean, I liked it...but I know where you're coming from.

But this game was hyped from the start: back when Xbox wasn't more than a actual X-shaped box and a color scheme. But instead of joining Halo and DoA as Xbox mainstays, it joined  Alice and Maelstrom(Yes, EXACTLY)  as reminders that  concept doesn't trump execution. And that games need time and money to be good.
Not a joke: This is your final boss battle.

1) Gannon: Smash Bros. Melee

Now, I was never deeply into the Zelda franchise. Started on some of the games, never finished them. But I know of it's boss. It's that pig guy `that sometimes looks like a green Adrien Brody, right? He's supposed to be a big deal, right?

 
On his defense, It ain't easy being a green man in a white dwarf's world.


So when I heard he was making his playable debut in Smash Bros Melee for the Gamecube, I thought it might be cool. It's the final boss to one of the most iconic franchises in gaming: how bad can you mess it up?

But it turns out...he's Captain Falcon.

Not even a little attempt at trying the model to the character he's supposed to be, no.  They put  a bit of Gannon  paint over Captain Falcon, took away Falcon's quotes, and there it is.
The whole point of Capn' Falcons moves was that he didn't have any. What's your excuse?

Now, here's the thing: remember that Phoenix Wright movesetI did? I used to do things like that all the time as a kid. I remember sitting in front of my school and  making moves for Disney characters and Sonic characters. And I'm sure I'm not nearly as talented and creative as the people at Nintendo and Hal studios.

As little I know of Zelda, I could  go on Youtube right now, watch two Gannon boss fights, and probably come up with  the  no more than 5 special Attacks  a Gannon character would need in Smash Bros. I don't know if they corrected it in future Sb games, but as it stands, they might as well have not put Gannon at all. And that's probably the saddest thing you can say about the inclusion of a character.

5 Awesome characters (that where disappointing to play as)



I mean, how could it possibly be bad?

The folly of  hype: sometimes your favorite characters just aren't as awesome to play as in a videogame as they are to read as or look at or masturbate to. I mean, really, sometimes it's not the character's fault, but often expect so much of characters that are awesome as NPCs, unplayables or villains, but by the time it happens, you end up wondering: what happened?

5) Magneto: X-Men 2: Clone Wars
 
 When you think Magneto in terms of videogames, you think awesomely broken or bad Engrish quotes. But Magneto's debut in playability was decidedly more humble. 

 








Magneto: Master of the Power Walk!

Featured heavily in the box art and in blurbs on the back of the box, the fact that you could now play as the Master of Magnetism in this Sega Genesis plataformer sequel was, in fact, hyped. The first thing you wanted to do was take this bad boy for a spin, flying and bending metal and tearing ass through the game.  But syke! You don't even to choose your first character! And it's probably Beast!
 
FUUUUUUUCK!

But by the time you get to the 4rth-ish stage and defeat Magneto. 's clone, you get to play as him. How awesome is it? Not very. He doesn't really fly. He hovers in place. He can shoot magnetic thingies that explode into little thingies that kill the bad guys, but there are no enemies that complex in this game that make it an advantage. What a gyp!
You don't know what this means to 9 year old me.



But an understandable gyp, for sure. Hey, it's a plataformer. Once you can fly, that's most of the challenge gone. And let's not talk of implementing magnetism in a  Sega Genesis game.

However, because the developers knew that someday someone might be reasonable to them, they  chose the stage after Magneto  became playable to be  the hardest possible stage for him: an uphill climb up a tower with falling rocks. It's already fucking annoying for most the other characters, but when the character you most likely chose because of how awesome he is has the power to "stand absolutely still in the  air" that you can activate with one of the 3 working buttons as rocks pelt him own and trolls knock him down to a lower ledge, you will understand what "disapointment" truly means.

THIS BLOOD'S FOR YOU!

"Lesse...Puch, pouch, pouch, pouch, gun, gun, gun, gun guuuun...sword, sword sword, sword dagger, boom! New character!"



We should count ourselves lucky. Used to be  superhero adaptations to the big screens ran into 3 key stumbling blocks, and most never rose up from there: "How could we put this on the big screen?" "How do we change this so its not stupid anymore?" and tertiarylly "how much money does it take?"

Now that Hollywood found the answers they've gotten to adapting superheroes left and right. But Kick Ass  aside, most of them have been the big popular ones from the big 2.

But perhaps thats all changing soon.

Rob Liefeld, celebrated creator of Deadpool and Cable is aparently about to have one of his million 90s superhero teams optioned for the big screen. The group is Bloodstrike, a commando of vampire blood fueled super commandos. Not to be confused with Youngblood, another Liefield team already optioned for film by complete monster Brett Ratner. Or Bloodwulf, Liefelds Lobo knockoff. Or Bloodbank, a character I just made up, but could totally be a Liefeld character.

Anyway, here is them.
Actually, I think crazy hairs up there is Bloodwulf. Maybe.

I for one cannot wait to finally see Sheeva, Wolverine and Deadpool onscreen. But I think Iron Monger and Hawkeye are lame so no praise there. I cannot wait to see Liefelds intricate original and stylistic designs come to life. Hopefully they will prove just as enduring as they where then.

THIS BLOOD'S FOR YOU!

"Lesse...Puch, pouch, pouch, pouch, gun, gun, gun, gun guuuun...sword, sword sword, sword dagger, boom! New character!"



We should count ourselves lucky. Used to be  superhero adaptations to the big screens ran into 3 key stumbling blocks, and most never rose up from there: "How could we put this on the big screen?" "How do we change this so its not stupid anymore?" and tertiarylly "how much money does it take?"

Now that Hollywood found the answers they've gotten to adapting superheroes left and right. But Kick Ass  aside, most of them have been the big popular ones from the big 2.

But perhaps thats all changing soon.

Rob Liefeld, celebrated creator of Deadpool and Cable is aparently about to have one of his million 90s superhero teams optioned for the big screen. The group is Bloodstrike, a commando of vampire blood fueled super commandos. Not to be confused with Youngblood, another Liefield team already optioned for film by complete monster Brett Ratner. Or Bloodwulf, Liefelds Lobo knockoff. Or Bloodbank, a character I just made up, but could totally be a Liefeld character.

Anyway, here is them.
Actually, I think crazy hairs up there is Bloodwulf. Maybe.

I for one cannot wait to finally see Sheeva, Wolverine and Deadpool onscreen. But I think Iron Monger and Hawkeye are lame so no praise there. I cannot wait to see Liefelds intricate original and stylistic designs come to life. Hopefully they will prove just as enduring as they where then.

Panel's 2 and 3 of Hydroman's Origin speak for themselves

Why must everything I love explode!?

Panel's 2 and 3 of Hydroman's Origin speak for themselves

Why must everything I love explode!?

Swing and a miss! Tim Burton's Batmovies

Black and yellow, black and yellow, black and yellow...
 It's about time we talked about Batman. I know this subject is  a fringe one and a taboo in the Internet, but we must break social boundaries of how acceptable it is to talk about Batman.

Dark Knight Rises is probably on it's way out of theaters( and I was entirely unable to catch it.) The end of the Nolan era for Batman, the innevitable reboot nipping at it's heels,  and the seeming endless ways Warner Brother can't get too far into it's Superheroes withouth returning to Batman are all the talk of the town.

Nestled between this conversations is a subtle discussion of Tim Burton's  two Batman films, and their underlying qualities. It tends to divide the geek populace into  two schools of thinking.
"Holy Crap, is your breath fresh!"

A) This movies are good, they opened the way for Superhero movies now, and are a reasonably good adaptation of the Batman mythos in a darker way than the old Adam West show.

B)This movies are bad, nothing like Batman, and are the inspiration for badly adapting Superheroes to the silver screen.

The only one who  likes this pairing is the guy on the left.


Not everyone holds this combination of opinions, but it's mostly what you'll find.

I could tell you that when I saw them I was very young. My dad dragged home a big old TV with awkward  microwave buttons so we could watch the Batman 89 movie before heading to one of my first remembered cinema goings(along with Pewee's Big Adventure. It's not my fault I'm a Burton enthusiast!) to Batman Returns.


While my little kid mind had to register a lot(and return from the lobby confused as to why Batman let  Catwoman lick his face.) of weirdness, I never the less considered it a great movie, and put it alongside Robocop, and Predator and Airplane as the best movies in the world.

But let's not make this about just me, or about the movies. The movies are qualified as being unnacurate to the books by many. And I sort of agree. But so what?

So what if Batman's "no killing code" gets switched to a "lot of times killing code?" So what if the films are rooted in impressionism rather than...whatever stylistic choice you're supposed to have for Batman. So what if the background of the character is changed and the origin, and it's not as dark as anything.



Let me tell you something. When Batman Returns was abuzz in the cinemas, my parents could afford 1 movie IN THE YEAR. The rest was black and white T.V.  And what did my local T.V. channels do as a response? EVERYTHING! They scrambled to run whatever Superhero show and movie they could, as long as we would watch. They Ran the Flash T.V. series and the old 70s Wonder Woman series. They Ran The Incredible Hulk. They ran Ultraman and I could swear they ran Kakero Spider-Man. They ran the Swamp Thing movie and they ran the TV show as well. They fucking ran the Adam West show.
Try harder, internet! I was mocking this before it was cool!

So, back to young me. I began absorbing. I did not know who Flash was in the comics if the movie was good. But I liked Flash. I liked Wonder Woman.  I liked the Adam West show.

Regardless of what the direct influence of Burton's movies, the indirect influence in my case was that a lot of  superhero elements where brought before me, which was good, because I could not even know where comics where sold, and when I saw them on the supermarket, coud not afford them(or my parents would not buy, because Batman looked like this, and had to perform surgery in a sewer on a baby. No, I could not forget that if I tried.).  My understanding of the superheroes would not expand much beyond what TV told me until the year 2000, where I discovered that internet people  would spend their time detailing the fictional life of Storm and Marrow.

What I'm saying is that Burtman(haha!) may be Batman in name only in a way. It may be campier than what we think. It might not fit our nerdy standards of today, where we sit down and pick aparts  which parts of Avengers are 616, which are Ultimate, and which are invented wholesale for the movie. The movies might only be enjoyable to me because I grew up with them. But they shaped me into the sexless, sociopathic nerd that writes too much about Tim Burton's wife I am today.

(Wait, is that a good thing?)

Swing and a miss! Tim Burton's Batmovies

Black and yellow, black and yellow, black and yellow...
 It's about time we talked about Batman. I know this subject is  a fringe one and a taboo in the Internet, but we must break social boundaries of how acceptable it is to talk about Batman.

Dark Knight Rises is probably on it's way out of theaters( and I was entirely unable to catch it.) The end of the Nolan era for Batman, the innevitable reboot nipping at it's heels,  and the seeming endless ways Warner Brother can't get too far into it's Superheroes withouth returning to Batman are all the talk of the town.

Nestled between this conversations is a subtle discussion of Tim Burton's  two Batman films, and their underlying qualities. It tends to divide the geek populace into  two schools of thinking.
"Holy Crap, is your breath fresh!"

A) This movies are good, they opened the way for Superhero movies now, and are a reasonably good adaptation of the Batman mythos in a darker way than the old Adam West show.

B)This movies are bad, nothing like Batman, and are the inspiration for badly adapting Superheroes to the silver screen.

The only one who  likes this pairing is the guy on the left.


Not everyone holds this combination of opinions, but it's mostly what you'll find.

I could tell you that when I saw them I was very young. My dad dragged home a big old TV with awkward  microwave buttons so we could watch the Batman 89 movie before heading to one of my first remembered cinema goings(along with Pewee's Big Adventure. It's not my fault I'm a Burton enthusiast!) to Batman Returns.


While my little kid mind had to register a lot(and return from the lobby confused as to why Batman let  Catwoman lick his face.) of weirdness, I never the less considered it a great movie, and put it alongside Robocop, and Predator and Airplane as the best movies in the world.

But let's not make this about just me, or about the movies. The movies are qualified as being unnacurate to the books by many. And I sort of agree. But so what?

So what if Batman's "no killing code" gets switched to a "lot of times killing code?" So what if the films are rooted in impressionism rather than...whatever stylistic choice you're supposed to have for Batman. So what if the background of the character is changed and the origin, and it's not as dark as anything.

7 Simpsons games I want to play

Still Better than Bart vs the Space Mutants


The Simpsons and videogames have a rich history together. I mean, not from videogames of the Simpsons, mind you. Those have been 80% garbage.  But of Videogames in the Simpsons.

 So with more than 20 years of gags, videogames where bound to come up more than a couple of times for America's favorite yellow skinned  family. But whether they're throwaway gags or key part of the plot, here are some Simpsons Videogames I want to play.

But don't JUST read this, guys. We live in an amazing era where tools for making most types of games can be found for at least cheap and often free.  Litterally all of this games can be realized, one way or another. Sure, someone out there is fan enough and crazy enough to bring at least one of this screaming into the real world. I mean, I know it's lazy to ask, but...I'm lazy. Give me...

Dash Dingo
Crikey!

Dash Dingo is an arcade Platformer, a parody of Crash Bandicoot, itself an obvious ripoff of Sonic the Hedgehog, itself a hodgepodge mix of Dragonball an Felix the Cat with a little Star Wars in there. It(Uh...Dash Dingo I mean) first shows up in the episode "Lisa gets an A"

While Videogames depicted in the Simpsons are usually not realistic depictions of gaming, Dash's eternal grimace is a love letter to badly animated early PS1 games everywhere. It even gets Crash's ultra cheap instadeaths!

Timewaster

It's own...fucking...wikia page...

Nothing is known about Timewaster. It is an arcade game in the background of a few episodes. But it's such a good name it needs to exist somehow.

Could it be some type of bullethell sidecrolling shooter about a time traveler? Or maybe it's about a murderous antropomorphic clock? Hopefully it's better than Time Killers if it does, though. Piece of crap....



Mortank Kombat
I'm just wondering if this is some commentary on Tianmen Square or not...

The Episode "Marge Be Not Proud" is one of the most game centric one of them all, with Bart's obssession with  Mortal Kombat Knockoff Bonestorm.

I am not going to talk about Bonestorm. 2 crazy Shokan beating the tar out of each other while bones rain down on them? Played it. But I will draw our attention to  it's advert.

The Ad has two kids who are bored to tears with their current videogame, until XTREME SANTA breaks  through the wall, and shoots Bonestorm in to their console with a bazooka.

But what where they playing that was so boring? A game (I've dubbed it as you have read, as it has no name and I'm not nearly as creative as I should be) that has Liu Kang, of Mortal Kombat fame, fight a tank! A TANK! With his fists and feet!

 This is a parody of a fighting game done by a parody of a fighitng game ad, and this is what it's saying you find  boring? What's the MUGEN comunity good for if not making ridiculous one second gags into full products?

 Death Kill City 2: Death Kill City Stories
A baseball bat AND a tire iron?

Acronymed DKC2: DKS, the true gameplay of this game is somewhat difficult to understand. It most certainly is a parody of Grand Theft Auto and it's ilk, with random violence errupting (a robot is fighting a hoodlum when a pink female ninja kills them both, and it's never clear which of the three is being played by anyone) in the titular city eventually only ended after all life on earth  is erradicated, marking THE end of level 1.


It's a cute gag, but I wonder what level 2 is like? I don't want to wonder, just give it to me!

Larry the Looter

Larry the Looter is a sidescrolling action game. As the titular malcontent, you must vandalize and rob until what I assume is some kind of ending, playing to, or perhaps lampooning, videogamer obssessions with collectathons. Why didn't Rockstart come up with that one? Why don't you?

Sure, we have plenty of open world games where you can shoot prostitutes, but we don't have a game explicitely for stealing useless material trappings outside of the Elder Scroll series(wait, that's how everyone plays it, right?)


Cat Fight
My dad never bought my affection....sob...


Cat Fight is a one on one fighitng game featuring an assumedly mostly female cast. Gameplay eschews tried and true tropes and tactics  of the genre like air juggles and combos, and instead  assumes a more realistic take on what women fighting actually looks like: Mostly hairpulls, scratches, slaps, and name-calling.

Well, the DLC would be crazy, that's for sure.
I mean, I've played plenty of female only fighting games, but none of them have presented me with an interesting mechanic for hairpulling!  It would be the most inventive game in the genre since Divekick got a publisher! I would just HAVE to dedicate it a spot on Fighitng Female February next year for sure!

7 Simpsons games I want to play

Still Better than Bart vs the Space Mutants


The Simpsons and videogames have a rich history together. I mean, not from videogames of the Simpsons, mind you. Those have been 80% garbage.  But of Videogames in the Simpsons.

 So with more than 20 years of gags, videogames where bound to come up more than a couple of times for America's favorite yellow skinned  family. But whether they're throwaway gags or key part of the plot, here are some Simpsons Videogames I want to play.

But don't JUST read this, guys. We live in an amazing era where tools for making most types of games can be found for at least cheap and often free.  Litterally all of this games can be realized, one way or another. Sure, someone out there is fan enough and crazy enough to bring at least one of this screaming into the real world. I mean, I know it's lazy to ask, but...I'm lazy. Give me...

Dash Dingo
Crikey!

Dash Dingo is an arcade Platformer, a parody of Crash Bandicoot, itself an obvious ripoff of Sonic the Hedgehog, itself a hodgepodge mix of Dragonball an Felix the Cat with a little Star Wars in there. It(Uh...Dash Dingo I mean) first shows up in the episode "Lisa gets an A"

While Videogames depicted in the Simpsons are usually not realistic depictions of gaming, Dash's eternal grimace is a love letter to badly animated early PS1 games everywhere. It even gets Crash's ultra cheap instadeaths!

Timewaster

It's own...fucking...wikia page...

Nothing is known about Timewaster. It is an arcade game in the background of a few episodes. But it's such a good name it needs to exist somehow.

Could it be some type of bullethell sidecrolling shooter about a time traveler? Or maybe it's about a murderous antropomorphic clock? Hopefully it's better than Time Killers if it does, though. Piece of crap....



Mortank Kombat
I'm just wondering if this is some commentary on Tianmen Square or not...

The Episode "Marge Be Not Proud" is one of the most game centric one of them all, with Bart's obssession with  Mortal Kombat Knockoff Bonestorm.

I am not going to talk about Bonestorm. 2 crazy Shokan beating the tar out of each other while bones rain down on them? Played it. But I will draw our attention to  it's advert.

The Ad has two kids who are bored to tears with their current videogame, until XTREME SANTA breaks  through the wall, and shoots Bonestorm in to their console with a bazooka.

But what where they playing that was so boring? A game (I've dubbed it as you have read, as it has no name and I'm not nearly as creative as I should be) that has Liu Kang, of Mortal Kombat fame, fight a tank! A TANK! With his fists and feet!

 This is a parody of a fighting game done by a parody of a fighitng game ad, and this is what it's saying you find  boring? What's the MUGEN comunity good for if not making ridiculous one second gags into full products?

 Death Kill City 2: Death Kill City Stories
A baseball bat AND a tire iron?

Acronymed DKC2: DKS, the true gameplay of this game is somewhat difficult to understand. It most certainly is a parody of Grand Theft Auto and it's ilk, with random violence errupting (a robot is fighting a hoodlum when a pink female ninja kills them both, and it's never clear which of the three is being played by anyone) in the titular city eventually only ended after all life on earth  is erradicated, marking THE end of level 1.


It's a cute gag, but I wonder what level 2 is like? I don't want to wonder, just give it to me!

Larry the Looter

Larry the Looter is a sidescrolling action game. As the titular malcontent, you must vandalize and rob until what I assume is some kind of ending, playing to, or perhaps lampooning, videogamer obssessions with collectathons. Why didn't Rockstart come up with that one? Why don't you?

Sure, we have plenty of open world games where you can shoot prostitutes, but we don't have a game explicitely for stealing useless material trappings outside of the Elder Scroll series(wait, that's how everyone plays it, right?)


Cat Fight
My dad never bought my affection....sob...


Cat Fight is a one on one fighitng game featuring an assumedly mostly female cast. Gameplay eschews tried and true tropes and tactics  of the genre like air juggles and combos, and instead  assumes a more realistic take on what women fighting actually looks like: Mostly hairpulls, scratches, slaps, and name-calling.

Well, the DLC would be crazy, that's for sure.
I mean, I've played plenty of female only fighting games, but none of them have presented me with an interesting mechanic for hairpulling!  It would be the most inventive game in the genre since Divekick got a publisher! I would just HAVE to dedicate it a spot on Fighitng Female February next year for sure!

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