The Case for Old Lara Croft



I'm trying to imagine 15 year old me seeing THIS as Lara Croft.


So, that new Tomb Raider sure is probably something, huh? I mean, I can't play it because I'm not made out of Next Gen Consoles, but I guess seeing it have the success it has had means that 2013's Lara Croft is here to stay. Wait, let me check that. Oh, wait, aparently the new game bombed.

 Like Batman Begins, the game took an earnest  look at the what had and hand;t been done with the character and tried to do some king of "realistic" self-serious character study on that lady that once used to shoot dinosaurs out of her infinite ammo twin pistols.

No offense meant by what I'm going to say now. I don't think Nu TR is, pardon the stupid terms, an SJWing of Tomb Raider. It's just a different new take, no less worthy to be called Tomb Raider than any other game.

But I want the old Lara back.

The Lara with the huge lips and perky smile. The Lara with the wide hips and jutting breasts. The Lara that was an adventurer, in the old school way. I want her back. And I intend to make my case for that, here.

Before you say that I'm a big old horndog that just wants to see a woman with an improbable anatomy, let me get this out of the way: I am and that's part of the reason. Why not. What's wrong with wanting a fictional character to be physically desirable to me? You wouldn't ask for a "serious" version of Jacob from Twilight, with all the cheesecake removed.  He was built for cheesecake, and so was Lara Croft. It's why we loved them.

Some might say Lara Croft's body was exaggerated and ridiculous. And I say...yeah, that was kind of the point.

You see, Lara was a caricature. Caricatures, for all of you who haven't heard, is an exaggerated abstraction , where you take a character's most prominent features and blow them out of proportion. Say, for example, you want to make a caricature of Barrack Obama. You would do something like this.





Now, for the ur examples of a caricature of a sensual woman, you have, say Betty Boop...
Betty Boop gets too much head.
Or that chick from the Tex Avery cartoons...
(Sonic 06 joke)
Or Jessica Rabbit, who is a parody of those kind of characters taken to extremes.
They're all wearing one dress between them.
A lot could be made that Lara's sole appeal was her enormous funbags and nothing else, to which I would reply negatively. For you see, if that's the case, how could she have made it into 2015? She wasn't the ONLY sexy female character to exist. Not the least clothed, not the biggest tittied. You'd think the moment the next mynx showed up we'd all declare Lara over and move on. But no.

Because you see, Lara Croft became an icon at some point. You could put her in a crowd, and tell she was Lara Croft. Even if she was dressed completely different.To Prove that, I have devised a social excersise.

Hover your mouse above THIS link. Do not click yet.  When you open it, it will lead you to an image. Find Lara Croft in the crowd. Now click.


If you think I'm lying, I'm going to play a game with you. I'm  making a collage of faces below. Spot Lara Croft. Come on. I double dog dare you. I double my dogs.



Now, which Lara did you spot before?



Now, this isn't an indictment of the new series, it's art direction, or it's gameplay. Again, too poor to judge by myself. I'm just saying, if I where calling the shots, I'd take Lara back to her roots in caricature. The whole world would be exagerated and cartoony and FUN.



I do somewhat question that now that videogames and it's characters can look like litterally anything, show anything onscreen, that Lara now looks like just another woman. Splendorous graphical showcase, but a boring, safe choice, in my opinion.

And we could have BOTH, you know. The Same way Batman acknoweledges the 60's TV series as an old take and not as an old shame, there could be a sub-line of TR games running counter to Nu-Raider. I don't know. Maybe some day.

What did Youtube think this says?

What ass story mark.

Mary Sue likes boobs, yo, don't blame THEM for DOAX3!



Feminism. Sometimes it's fighting to be in a bikini,sometimes it's fighting not to be in a bikini. 


Look, I unfollowed Mary Sue in a fit of "We'll never see eye to eye on this" months ago. And "THIS" in this case being this. I only ocassionally find out about them because I have a Google Alert on Fighting Games, and Mary Sue always keeps up with the latest on FiHahahahahaahahaha who am I kidding, they only mention them whenever they need something to pinch awhile.

You see, I'm not an unreasonable man. I don't get angry every time somebody says or does something that falls under the umbrella of what I hesitate to call "Social Justice Warrior" stuff. I hesitate to call it that because there's actual social justice out there that doesn't involve videogames and comic covers and...TV shows. I say this as an American non-white citizen without the ability to vote for the president or representation on congress based on the fact we where conquered 100 years ago that I would find it an acceptable trade if they could make the entire cast of the Power Rangers into white, blond men if I could only have that extra sway on the directions of the nation. I don't care about a Ranger "representing me" as much as some might have lead you to believe. I didn't growing up. I don't now.

But the impact of these factors is seemingly being felt. People are making moves to pander to these bases and avoid their rage, and you know what? That's fine...Sort of.

For example, Dead Or Alive Xtreme Beach Volleyball 3 is not coming out in the West. And the developer has pretty much said it's because, you know, having seen that here in the West apparently women are doing all the buying and so, they KNOW the game is gonna catch that kind of heat, so it's...no dice.
THEY NEED MORE ARMOR TO FROLIC ON A BEACH!

The West has put the writing on the wall, and it's "We're being huge prudes about sex right now. " Personally, I owned DOAX 1 and it was a nice and interesting game. Yes, I did leer and oogle, but I also enjoyed the gameplay, and the scenery and just the overall chillness of the game.

It's weird, because it's not a game with any goals. You don't have to win more, or meet any criteria before it ends. You play and enjoy it, pick your partners, drop other ones, make money, and collect trinkets that you pretty much couldn't use for shit.



You're not killing anyone like in Halo and Call of Duty, or on some grand quest. You can even just kind of end the game. I loved it.


And you know who else loved it? My sisters. That's right, my sisters played DOAX. It wasn't the only game we had. But they loved themselves some DOAX. Probably not on the same way I loved it, but there was something in there for them.

So, what is Mary Sue's response to people being completely ridiculous by being angry that a game they wanted is now confined to the complicated realm of imports because of people being offended at a game so, SO obviously not meant for them? Let's break it down.

Basically, it ridiculizes people who are angry about  this, and lay claims that DOA is a stupid niche series that nobody wants anyway and even less people want the DOA Volleyball spinoff and that THAT is the real reason.

No, you're confusing Dead Or Alive with Touki Densho Angel Eyes. It's an understandable mistake. Both are Tecmo made fighting game series with a lot of focus on sexy women. However, that series died with most of the fighting game boom in the 90's. It's on PSN, if you even care.

But most people don't, so there wasn't a Touki Densho 2.

Dead or Alive is one of the few surviving series of the 3D fighting boom popularized by Tekken and Virtua Fighter. A series like that would not be able to get 5 games and 3 spinoffs if it was merely a niche product.  As for people not caring about it, I bring you this chart again.
For Fucks sake, DOA5 beat out Rise of the Tomb Raider on global sales, and that's a from a dead genre vs one of the largest current ones.

So it's not that they don't know if it'll sell. It's got an audience.  But then there's their other argument, that obviously only an idiot would believe that feminists hate sexy, bouncing breasts.
"Mary Sue: Developers always do things for the reason we say they do!"


I don't believe all feminists everywhere feel that. However, Mary Sue specifically?
English isn't my first language, but is there a positive context for "insidious"?

I know where I stand. I like me some sexy mommas, I like them to be strong characters too, I support equal pay, and I also think  you don't heat up food you aren't gonna eat. If you catch me contradicting myself on that, let me know.


Where the hell do you stand on anything, Mary Sue?


Son of a Pitch: The Bible Uncut

Jesus, Christ, guys, even the animated movie got Jeff Goldblum as Moses' Brother!

The Internet has been a boon for fan effort. Whereas before lots of legwork and mouth talking was required to get a fan movie going, cans can now access both the technical knoweledge and like minded individuals from across the world.

For example, The Star Wars uncut series is the ultimate letter of love to Star Wars movies. Various people are assigned small parts of Star Wars to recreate, however they can and want.The resulting mishmash of styles, genres, genders and tones is truly a sight to behold.

I think the "uncut" format would be great for another work with lots of fans: The Bible!
Unsurprisingly, there was a remake in 2013
While "Religious films" now a days tend to be lower budget preachfests , there was an era where not only did the idea of making Bible movies as grand, screen filling spectacle was considered   normal, but it profitable enough that at least one filmmaker attempted to get the whole Bible onscreen, in a movie that, accounting for intermission, could eat away a whole day of easter.

But the idea of doing the whole Bible, including every story and subplot and  weird fable about plant races, is an insurmountable challenge for any one person or group. Every King in a 3000 + year dinasty is accounted for by name. Long lines of descendants are described. Allegorical visions are described. Rape happens. Foreskins are cut. Long beards are had. Differing interpretations are rampant. Stories are told, and then retold with differing details. Coats are described as being left behind in letters.

But I think we owe it to ourselves as a society to make the bible as a long form video. It would be beneficial to all. Christians who don't read the Bible would be able to do away with all that pesky reading and simply bask in on the knoweledge of what happens in the Bible, and even those who aren't thrilled by seeing Jesus presented as a robot COULD be inspired to look at their own beliefs beyond  a superficial level. Those who don't believe in the bible or God could at least have some insight on the events as presented beyond "And then they did this, that's totally what happened."
Some stories benefit from context, Mel.
And besides, as one of the oldest compilations of stories and the most read book in the world, having the full bible available as a video would be kind of a big  deal for humanity as a whole. The Bible covers the periods of multiple of the most influential empires in the  preclassic and classic eras. We owe it to ourselves. And it'd be kind of fun.

So what do you say, guys? What parts of the Bible would you call dibs on? And no, you can't pick Song of Songs.


That's spoken for. :)


It wouldn't be as simple as that, though.  While Star Wars has a running time, and scenes, the Bible doen't come with a running time, and if it did it'd probably be huuuge. At least the first books tend to be "The whole lives of people", which  is basically a movie all on it's own. Do we split it according to ammount of chapters, pages? We could get each person to do "what they want" but then we're probably gonna get some parts nobody is going to want to do?  If you are interested in forming part of "The Bible: Uncut" chime in below and tell me, what scenes would you do, and how you would make it, as well as any ideas for divying up the chapters.

Negative Nancy: The TOP 5 Most Misoginist games of the year!

I don't have opinions. I AM OPINIONS

(In order to be more hip with the kids today, I intend to bring you  more socially conscious messages, under the lable Nega Nancy)


The year isn't over, but I'm already pretty sure what the most sexist games are gonna be this year. Remember that just because something is DAMAGING TO THE PSYCHE and A STEP BACK INTO THE MIDDLE AGES doesn't mean you can't like it. You horrible person.


Remember some of these games might be not even be out yet, but It's still sexist because I say so.

5: Shift Stick
 Oh, what? This game decided that a man would rather fuck a car than a woman? I take this as a statement on all cars, all men and all women. The Statement is women are objects, just objects that are not currently present at the screen. Typical Cis male thoughts, no doubt...

4: Mortal Kombat X

Mortal Kombat THINKS it can get into my good graces by limiting the amount of sinflesh it is showing compared to previous outings. But sadly, the reduced sensuality is in this case is just troubling. The game is clearly trying to say that a woman can't be sexy, can't be sexual, and still strong and powerful. I mean, I can say that, and it's not troubling, but they can't implicitly say that, even under my advice.

3)Grim Fandango: Remastered



Grim Fandango is a  point and click adventure game, and as phallic as that is, we're not even at the core complaint, yet: They remastered the game, and did not take time to allow for a female playable Manny Calavera.  They had  more than a decade to make a female Manny Calavera, and DID NOT. Pass.

2) Metal Slug


This game either includes women as playable characters and enemies or doesn't. You know it's sexist either way.

1)Kaio: King of Pirates


I admit to a bit of a double standard.  Catfight might be less sexist than Street Fighter in certain respects, but Catfight is also super shitty, so I'd rather pile on it for being sexist as well. Quality can distract me from that kind of complaint.

So Kaio King of the Pirates is a game that was cancelled. That's worst that it having it been released, so, ergo, the game is the most sexist game of the year. Got it? Good.

What did Youtube think this says?

"You're Fi-ay-ayred!"

Sarcastic article cancelled on account of real life really being that stupid.


2 crossbows? Isn't that just like a woman...

So you may have noticed I have a new section called "Nega Nancy" in which I try to emulate the trend of  just taking anything and everything and shitting on it for not being feminist enough. And I had planned to make a new one about Linkle.

It was going to be a fun one too: I would be all "Why that's SEXIST!"

Unfortunately, the site I was parodying beat me to the punch in an article more funny that anything I could myself write.

Mary Sue basically decided Linkle is a disappointment and that wanting James Bond to be Black and  and This or that other character to be a minority or women is worthless. So, what are they gonna do, throw themselves in a dumpster? Half their stories are how this and that character being black or a woman or gay is  awrsome, and what's left is praise for any half baked attempt to do so.



Just on Female Link they insisted that  there was no reason Link couldn't be female a bunch of times.

But I guess there is a reason: That Zelda is SO SEXIST IT SHOULD NOT EXIST AT ALL.

I guess it's NOT encouraging that the prospect of a female Link is on Big N's mind now that it's taken a form beyond words.

Look, I don't expect you to LOVE Linkle. I'd understand because it's mostly a stunt, and while you usually just fall for any half assed stunt promising diversity, I don't think A FEMALE LINK IN THE DYNASTY WARRIORS ZELDA GAME IS THE GREATEST THING IN THE WORLD.

But, you did. You said it was important. You made more than one article about it. You said it did no harm. Now apparently it causes all the harm. Because you want something to cure you of the pinkphobia you've cultivated for so many years.

But that's what happens when you see female characters only for how "women" they are. Don't you see? You've trapped yourself under your own standards. "Pink" "Girly" "Princessy" females are no good because they express traditional ideas and expectations of femininity. "Tomboyish" "Scratch Kneed" and  "Basically a female version of the male character" is no good because you want the work to tell YOU to like "Pink" "Princessy" and "Girly" and that's just  basically "masculine".

Normal people (that aren't paid to gripe about comic covers that aren't even the only ones available) don't have that problem, because they recognize there is a diversity of possible female existences. A woman can be a pink loving stay at home mom. Or a woman can be a butch bike rider. Or a woman can even bombshell sexpot.  Or as you call them, "regressive gender role afirmations"  "A poorly presented woman" or "Not a rolemodel regardless of other factors involved."

So, never change, Mary Sue. Just...take it easy, okay?  Let  parodies to your ridiculousness some room to breath over here.

Nega Nancy : There is no reason why none of the Ninja Turtles is a woman yet

"If it's gay, it's good"

(In order to be more hip with the kids today, I intend to bring you  more socially conscious messages, under the label Nega Nancy)


Are we ready for a female Ninja Turtle?

Who can forget the 80's? Awful commercialism invaded everything, even our children!  When Ronald Reagan(who is not a minority, a woman, or gay. We're not judging him for what he is, we're judging him for what he ISN'T) loosened the rules of what educational television could be, the toy empires of the world saw an opening from which to launch  half an hour toy commercials for their wares disguised as so called cartoons.

Bookending with a variety of statues quo enshrining platitudes, shows like Transformers, GI Joe,He-Man and more to the point, The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles where the moral teachers on the university of egotism disguised as pride, and individualism disguised as "staying true to yourself, and defending the current corporate oligarchy as "right makes might". "But, to boys only", patriarchy said.

To wit, these lessons are incredibly noxious  on young cis males, but are sorely needed on unempowered groups for some reason. I consider The Ninja Turtles one of the main reasons we're not at True Equality Lv. 5 yet.

The show followed  four sociopathic unemployed cis white turtles as they "saved" the earth from a grassroots movement the Foot Clan, which was lead by a foreign Colored man known as Shredder and a intersex brain creature known as "The Krang". The subtext is right there. These Turtle boys had absolutely not a plan to help the disenfranchised in New York city, but would go to any length to find and brutalize them.

But you know the story. There have been more years with Ninja Turtles products that there have been without them since they where invented.  Over the years, they've proven a popular element of the culture of pop. These could be seen as  fairly inoffensive stories that strike a cord with young and old alike, and that'd be the end of that. But EVERYTHING IS SERIOUS. Let's discuss the sexual politics of the Ninja Turtles.

There is no nonsexist reason why one of the Ninja Turtles can't be a woman. You might have some counter-points, but my counter argument is that you're white, or straight or a man. You don't know that I'm right because of it!

Yes, the Turtles have a female prescence in April, a cis white female  who serves as the audience identification character in the great majority of TMNT stories. What, can't the boring audience identification character be a man for once? These sexists also once tried  to make the audience identification character a kid named Max "the fifth turtle". Can't the cool audience identification character be a girl for once?

Either way, it is not enough, as nothing is!  We need a female turtle. Now, mind you , that did happen, on the live action last ditch attempt to keep the franchise alive during the mid 90's called TMNT the Next Mutation. Her name was Venus. The maleocracy obviously rebelled against the mere idea, and the show floundered.

 There was also Mona Lisa, who was almost the  5th female Turtle, until the potential rapist who made the original cartoon rebelled against the idea, and some quick(but not quick enough) changes made her into a Lizard Woman, who immediately jumped into Raphael's Turtle Dick, because most people are straight, amirite?

But that's all small potatoes. We can't change the socioeconomic background of inequality with a couple of one off cartoon characters! We need  Lead  characters before we'll have any real impact on the world.

I mean, the Turtles are THE HEROES of these stories. Their name is right there on the tin. Am I to believe that a young boy, fresh of a rival comic, picked up four turtles off of a petshop, they all fall off into a sewer that had mutagenic goop in it and it turned them into humanoid, english speaking, martial arts practicing mutants and they all happened to be male Turtles? That's not realistic. At least one of them could be a female.

This story is constantly retold, and as any story that is constantly retold, I believe every time it snubs my passionate ideas it does so because it hates them, and it hates me.  How hard would it be if, the next time they're  remaking this particular story(in like, 2 years, right?) they just take a moment to consider all the damage that is being caused by telling young girls "EY! You can't be a Ninja Turtle, live in the sewers, eat junk food, and partake in gang wars between a dude with blades and a ratman!"

Or better yet, if one of the current takes, such as the current cartoon or the upcoming sequel to the movie,  took the time to adress that one of these turtles is, in fact a female (or OMG a transexual. Gay or a woman. As long as you do one of this I will clap like a seal)

It's time these authors stop making excuses and start working towards what I just made up is the real goal, isn't it? Yes it is, I'm not ending that on a question.

What did Youtube think this says?

5 Terrible games that would make a better movie than Call of Duty

It has shattered, many Moviebob's' dreams/ It isn't Fable, or anything.

I stand by my belief that it´s easier to make a movie out of a crappy 80´s toyline than a shot by shot remake of Psycho. As long as you know your audience and source material, you can make it.

But then, after a bit of a hiatus from the Internet, I hear say that they are making, not a Call of Duty movie, but a Call of Duty Cinematic Universe.(Commandment 10 violation, guys)
What' the anime version of "makes your hair stand on end?"

You see that guy up there. I've never played Final Fantasy 7, but I know for a fact his name is Cloud. I've read about him, and he's got a pretty memorable design.  And that's all not having played Final Fantasy 7.

But nobody, NOBODY cares about however the heck whoever it is you play as in Call of Duty. Nobody wants that. Nobody wants a Call of Duty movie and nobody wants many Call of Duty movies that are "connected".

I guess I'm wasting my time by saying it, and other people will probably HAVE said it, but here goes. What makes Call of Duty, whether it's Modern Warfare, Black Ops, or anything else, good as a story is the fact that it's a videogame. The capacity to project yourself into the virtual body of Sgt. Carloff Duty can be extremely strong in offsetting the possibility of these game's stories being just another boring war movie of the kind that are somehow not burning up theaters for years for a reason. It's like if the Sims was a movie about people just living in a house.  It was the interactivity that made it endearing. Burnt kitchens aren't inherently funny. No way "videogames' idea of what war is, based on movies' idea of what war is" is gonna get anyone out there filling seats.

So I was going to make a list of games that deserve to have a movie more than CoD. But what's the point? Number 1: Most of them. But, seeing as CoD is a fairly competent game with all the movie potential of armpit hair, I'll throw an even higher gauntlet: I'm going to pick the lousiest games I can imagine as movies, and show you that even terrible games that nobody should play have stronger foundation bases for movies that Call of Duty.

Dead or Alive Xtreme  Beach Volleyball
Why do you need the floaty? Aren't your breasts filled with a saline solution?

Ok, DOA isn't a terrible game. It's sort a mix between ok Bikini Beach Volleyball, Tittillation, Dating Sim, and Barbie Dress Up games. You'd think these disparate elements would cancel each other out, but somehow, it worked.

But it's also a game about  people who come from a fighting tournament that straight facedly throws rape, revenge backstories, corporate betrayal, assassination attempts, and whatever the hell is Lei Fhang's deal, and then goes: "But then they all got together to splash water on each other and have fun one summer." Say what you will about the game's representation of women's bodies, but that right there is how women actually behave. "She pretended to be my buttler to catch me offguard and kill me. Yeah, we played Volleyball as a team, though."

So, as a MOVIE, DOAX(Which technically already happened as part of the existing DOA movie, natch) could be the awesomes, most subversive piece of movie imaginable. A movie where tortured girls who are sworn enemies to each other briefly describe how someone tried to clone them once to create the ultimate soldier, before going back to frolicking n the beach sexilly.

Awessome Possum Kicks Dr Machino's Butt

Lamas take their geography seriously, Awey.

Awessome Possum mostly let's the title describe it, except they forgot to add in "In a lousy Sonic Knock Off."

While I'm not advising any company to lock down the rights to this particular franchise, the advantages over Call of Duty as a story are clear. The story has a lead character and a villain. The motivation is in there and clear. In fact, Awesome Possume is already more recognizable to people than Call of Duty Guy.

Rakuga Kids
Nobody cares about your stupid private parts, you chicken head.

Rakuga Kids is a Konami Fighting Game for the Nintendo 64. I can probably stop there. Konami tried and tried to get into the genre, but nothing they tried ever truly stick around for long. There where good ideas. There where good designs. There where nice graphics. But all those things for all the times they appeared wherent' every enough.

Rakuga's premise is that a bunch of elementary age kids found magic life giving crayons. Using these, they gave life to drawings of their own creation, which resulted in as many Bear Tanks, and Rapping Cats as you'd imagine fighting against each other.

So while the game play is nothing to write EVO about, and the game has a bunch of loading on the console that uses cartridges because CD's have too much loading, the premise is actually perfect for a children's movie. Children using and abusing this god-like power to give life, and the drawings going out of their control. It could make a pretty sweet movie.

Mutant League Football
That's...informative.

Immediately the movie hits you in the face with High Concept. It's about monsters and ghouls and aliens playing Football, the American version where you ram into people.

While a Sports Comedy with a Supernatural angle is an easy enough sell, I think a heaping helping of satire could really make this a classic. There's plenty of screwed up things to satirize in sports in general, and American Football in particular. I think this movie would be the perfect place to start.

Put in a bunch of practical effects and people losing thier limbs all over the place, and it's an instant classic.


Columns
"And then I was all 'you're giving life to the Messiah, LOL, And she freaked out." "That one never gets old..."

Columns is a puzzle game. It's  got no protagonists or characters or conflict or nothing. Drop gems, try not to lose, don't think of Tetris.

So what would make this better than, Call of Duty as a movie? Well, for starters, since Columns isn't actually a story, you can make it about whatever you want. Is it about a wide eyed genious trying to master teleportation? Is it a heist movie? Is it a Roman words and sandals epic? As long as there's columns of gems in it, you aren't failing any part of it.

With Call of Duty, you can't make it about a wide eyed genious.  You can't switch to a time before gunpowder or make it a heist movie.  It has to be a war movie.

Now, war movies can be good. But there's a reason summer movies aren't filled with remakes of Platoon and Full Metal Jacket. There's a reason that Battleship wasn't about Battleships engaging each other in the Pacific, and it ain't because we don't even use those, anymore.

People want fanciful and sci fi and magic with their action. And the teenagers that make most of CoD's fanbase, aren't gonna be able to even get to enter CoD's movie premier without an adult.

Meanwhile, Columns, starring Jack Black and Nikolaj Coster-Waldau as competing brother builders, is gonna be killing you at the box office.


What did Youtube think this says?

Is homeplace something urban people said to each other in the 80's. Because it FEELS like it should be.

L.I.E.S.: The Boba Fett spinoff script

"See, he ESCAPED! Totally not an overrated idiot! "

Hi! It's your boy El Mayimbe from Latino-Re...I mean, Batzarro from Best Geek Ever. How silly of me. That would have been a lie, and I'm not here telling lies, just L.I.E.S, Leaked In Early Secrets. 
You may have heard that  Chronicle Director Josh Trank got kicked out of moved on from the Star Wars spinoff for pulling an Andrew on the set of Fantastic 4 to move on to original projects. And  that that movie was recently announced to be a Bobba Fett Spinoff. Well, your boy managed to get the truth from Trank by disguising himself as a giant used needle, and he described the movie for totally real. And now I'm ready to reveal a bit from the first couple of pages.

INT. Tatooine Dunes
We see two HOODED FIGURES approaching an enormous whole in the ground. It is obviously a SARLACC PIT.
Figure 1: Are you sure it's dead?
Figure 2: I'm the one who has to climb down there.
Figure1: I need this to be done soon. I want to know you can do it...
Figure 2 removes his hood, revealing the man's handsome, rugged looks.
Figure 2: What does it say on my shop?
Figure 1: "NOH WAN, exterminator and landscaper."
Figure 2: NOH WAN, that's right. That's me: NOH WAN. I've spent more time exterminating  sarlacc infestations that you've spent under the sun. Trust me, I know how long the poison takes to kill them, Mr Sticks.

NOH WAN and FIDEL STICKS stand awkwardly staring into the hole.

Fidel Sticks: You know what it doesn't say in your sign? Anything worth making a legend out of
 

Noh Wan: What's that supposed to mean?

Fidel Sticks:  You kill sarlaccs for a living. You're no Boba Fett.

Noh Wan: Boba Fett? Who's that?

Fidel Sticks: You haven't heard the legend of Bobba Fett, boy? He was the galaxy's deadliest bounty hunters. He was known to be able to capture his enemies no matter what. Why they say he could shoot you in one eye blindfolded.  They've written songs to his name. He's a folk hero. He's certainly not known for being a total bumbler and for the amount of time he spent on Sarlacc Pits.

Noh Wan: Would you just pass be the harness, old man? I don't have time for stories that may or may not have happened.

Fidel Sticks  hands Noh Wan a harness.  Cut to: INSIDE SARLACC PIT.  NOH WAN is slowly being lowered inside  the SARLACC. He is clearly disgusted by the smell.  Soon the cable stops lowering him.

Noh Wan: Come on, Fidel!  I'm not at bottom, yet!
Fidel Sticks: The thing broke down again!
Noh Wan: Just don't hit the...
Apparently Fidel Sticks did hit the ..., as suddenly NOh Wan plummets into  the ground from a considerable height into a PILE OF BONES! He thrashes in pain from the fall,  then begins musing.

Noh Wan: This isn't worth the money. This isn't worth the time!  I wish I could...
(Amongs the bones, Noh Wan notices what looks like a helmet. He removes the  bones from over it, and it reveals the BOBA FETT ARMOR whole, dusty.  He removes the helmet, and it has an inscription inside.

Noh Wan: Boba...Fett...


WOOO! And the rest of the story, and how Noh Wan assumes the identity of Boba Fett, finds a mysterious black girl claiming to be Qui Gon Jin, and they fight a droid that wears Darth Vader's old, burnt up suit, is it not written on the Books of the Kings of Judah? No, probably not, it's most likely the rest of the script for Star Wars: Boba Fett vs Droid Vader! 


Now, obviously every script is subject to change, which could allow me, in theory to make up a thing and then, when confronted with the final version, say it was just a preliminary  version. Why should you believe this? Well, because there is Love In Every Star! Or L.I.E.S, for short!

What did Youtube think this says?

Jesus, even Youtube's speech is recognition is like "You know what Mel Gibson would say? Something really racist."

Horrendous Theory: The Prometheus Crew meant to do that.



You just missed out on THIS, baby!




Prometheus 2 is now called "Alien: Paradise Lost". Which sure isn't stepping on Neil Blomkamp's Alien 5's toes  or anything.

We've had a lot of fun with the movie Prometheus, which is what happens when you have a dumb premise (let's go find God in space by flying in that direction), you try to wrap it around smart sounding words (let's go find this beings that supposedly created mankind. What would happen?) you make the characters a bunch of scientists, and then make them the worst at their field.

Like, it doesn't even fucking look friendly, dude. It looks like a snake!


I mean, dumb characters in horror movies are a staple of the genre, but usually these are dumb teenagers, or dumb blue collar characters. Characters that you don't assume have doctorates on the stuff that is currently killing them.

But while most of this lands straight at the feet of writer Damon Lindelof for most people as an example of a guy who just can't write worth a damn, the truth is Damon Lindelof might just be smarter than what you give him credit for.

The premise of the movie is that Old Man Peter Weyland send this group, which includes his daughter and a an android as his eyes and ears, as a scientific expedition funded by Weyland Yutani, the Alien-Verse's evil corporation.
The Mandarin.

The twist, at the end, turns out to be that Weyland the company was secretly funding Weyland the person's trip to the planet, as he had stowed away on the ship so he could ask for The Engineers to give him a longer life. Why the secrecy? Well that's what makes this brilliant.

A voyage thousands or millions of lightyears into  a distant planet doesn't cost  5 bucks. Yutani would not have funded it's dying old founder's last Hail Marry to live longer  if it meant funding something like that. And he probably knew that. So he made up something else. A "Scientific trip", to a planet that MAY contain something that Yutani might be able to turn into money.

But you need some scientists. Not the best scientists, or the most appropriate. After all, who cares what they might or might not discover, or do? You're here to pull a King Hezekiah and get a bonus extention on your life. So Weyland got a team, a team of people who are scientists, but not the best people. After all, the best people probably would have given one look at the sloppy plan and figure out the plan sucks, but probably desperate scientists that nobody else wants to work with can't afford to say no.
"Without even a little bit of foreplay? Straight to the life giving, huh?"

So if the crew gets to the planet and starts  taking off their helmets and making friends with the local fauna and basically getting themselves in trouble, that's ok. The only ones Weyland needed are the ones who can operate the ship and his Smithers-Bot.   Everyone else is just there to give the whole thing an air of legitimacy and they  can go eat black goo like a gritty remake of Willy Wonka for all he cares.

Say, a sci fi remake of Willy Wonka? Hmm... Article over, guys. I've got to go away and ruminate on this for a while.

Follow by Email

There was an error in this gadget

What are you guys watching?