The 6 Other Disney Villains that need their own gritty origin story.

"Okay, you're motivation here is that you're not invited to a party and people have to fuckin' die over it."

This year sees the release of Maleficent, a movie where Disney answers the question nobody asked: How did the evil fairy godmother Carabosse Maleficent from Sleeping Beauty become the evil character we've all come to know? The satanic witch, in a reverse on the recent racebending Hollywood has had going on, will be played by actual satanic witch Angelina Jolie.
"Ask Herbert. I wanted her to be called Marina. Marina Badguy, that's a nice name."

Sure enough, you'd think  this literal fairy tale character doesn't need any character expansion because it's been 55 years since the original and the whole point of it WAS that she was a depthlessly evil character. No, we gotta go out and see her  story so we can truly understand her actions in  Sleeping Beauty. We gotta find out she wasn't making a fashion statement with her horn-wrap, she was just covering her literal horns. We gotta know what kind of stupid fairy parents name their kid Maleficent.

So if we're gonna do this, let's do this, then. Here's some more DIsney characters that  need their origin story told as a way for Disney to continue marketing it's kid's cartoons to  grown adults, taking their nostalgia to the bank IM expand their narrative universe ever more into a rich tapestry.


Do you have one that doesn't talk like Gilbert Gottfried?

When  we first meet Jaffar, he's hypnotized his way to Sultan's Chief Adviser (Are you sure "advisor" is not a word, spell-check?), a position he's not quite satisfied with. Despite being fairly well off, he's desperate enough to seek a magic lamp in a cave clearly designed to turn away potential costumers.

What if he was once a young idealist who wanted to make a better Agrabah, shunned form society due to their fear of sorcery? In the end he caves in and decides that the corrupt monarchy of Agrabah can only be made to help people by being put in a trance.

Naturally there's some bad people who want him dead, but by the end they're all dead, and he's climbed his way up to vizier.  And then the Sultan's wife gives birth to baby Jasmine.  CUT TO CREDITS, OMG!

Fat Cat
Many Men...wish death upon me...

They're making a  Chip n' Dale: Rescue Rangers CG origin movie, even though I think the origin of the team  got pretty well established in the first episode of the cartoon. But whatever, I'm not gonna get caught dead watching  a Disney movie trying to out 'Munk Alvin and the Chipmunks.

However, what about Fat Cat, one of it's recurrent villains? He was a cat...and also a mobster!  This clearly calls for a movie about  a young kitten growing up in the violent slums and alleyways of Jersey,  coming up in the ranks of the brutal animal crime world. But, uh, in a cute, Disney CGI kind of way.

 Well it's either that, or Nilmnolm. And we all know those movies about wacky scientists have not made Disny any bank.

Helga Sinclaire
For the last time: I do not have a mosquito on my face.

Atlantis: The Lost Empire is one of those Disney movies that  gets lost in amongst discussions of the company's  movies. Existing right in the Decline of Disney's traditional animation features and  alongside the rise of Pixar's CGI, the character's in it certainly aren't getting lumped with The Disney Princess and Disney's Skylanders thing. We've even forgotten than Princess Kida actually IS the first black Disney Princess.

But I like it. I mean, not a whole lot, but it's decent.  The movie's characters are a who's who of  adventure movie tropes and stereotypes, including one Helga Sinclair.

A Femme fatale mercenary, she's equally at home dressing like Lara Croft and  dressing like a Noire film gal,  In the end of the film she get's thrown out of a balloon, and then  the balloon falls on her. Underground. So it'd take some narrative gymnastics to explain her further adventures, unless they take place in hell.

So naturally, we go back and explain that she once was lost in a mystical island and had to learn to be tough and avoid getting raped. Ripoff? Yes. But then, we're already talking about Disney and Atlantis, so...

Dr Anton Sevarious
I can't make this funnier. Look how happy he is to be sticking that grape juice into someone!

I'm surprised Disney hasn't  brought Gargoyles back in any meaningful way. Yeah, there's some comics and stuff. Talk to me when Goliath shows up in Kingdom Hearts.

I say the Gargoyles universe is complex enough to stand a few spinoffs. In a few short seasons they made a world where aliens, sentient Gargoyles, robots, and greek and norse mythology all coexisted.

It's bound to be weird to be a scientist in a world where Pan is real, and maybe a coworker of yours in disguise. But that's where Anton Sevarious lives.

Responsible for several pseudoscience things, including a clone of Goliath and a Mecha loch ness monster, Dr Sevarious clearly has seen some  some shit, and does not  give a shit. A lot of times mad scientists look like disheveled old men, claiming that they'll "SHow them all!"

Not Sevarious. He's down with anything.  Kevin Bacon for the part. The movie should just be about  this crazy ass super scientist who never turns down a challenge, and winds up filling New York with like, tentacle monsters and dinosaurs and shit.

And then he still don't give a shit.

The Stoner Turtle from Finding Nemo.
Dude, let's wasted and tie can wrappers around our necks!

Oh, what was that? The Turtle from finding Nemo was not high on drugs? Well,  what was it, then? What was it?

Clearly, a 60's inspired origin story is the way to go. How that turtle learned how not to be a square and chill out.  He started out a young hatchling, part of a conformist  turtle family, including a turtle dad with a crew cut telling him to go enlist so he can go to Vietnam...'s shore and fight crabs.  But soon, he discovers  Reefer Shore, a place where all the  arthropods  eat, like, nutrients from nature itself, man.

Pretty soon, he's bucking the system, and wearing dreads made out of algae. Come on, doesn't that sound like a better movie than "The continuing adventures of the forgetful fish."?

The Prince from Snow White
Hey, birdie. I claim Prima Nocta all up your cloaca.

As long as we're expanding on 2d carboard cutouts from old Disney movies, what about the nameless Prince from Snow White? The first in a long line of boring male love interests, the Prince just kind of wanders into the movie, being all charming and crap. You could just leave that there. could Game of Thrones that shit.  Did you know how much murder and rape and slavery  and royal court politics have to happen before Mr Charming can just wander into scene and make out with a comatose woman? Well, now you will! With the new  SHowtime series, "Castle Charming". 


15 Questions about Mortal Kombat

"Not even summer camp!"

I have seen Mortal Kombat many, many times. I never catched it on it's original theater run, on account of extreme poverty. I like this movie so much it makes me feel guilty, because it's a silly movie, and big ass men like myself aren't supposed to like silly movies.

But I'm a curious man. I have an inquisitive spark within myself. I have questions about everything, especially movies from the 90's. I will now onload 15 of these riddles on you, and ask you to answer them all to me. It has begun!

15) Is Master Boyd dead?

During the course of the movie Shang Tsung rarely uses his transformation powers. See, in the game, Shang Tsung can take the shape of any fighter in the game, and for the longest time this was his defining characteristic.

In the movie he uses this ability exactly twice. One is to guilt trip Liu Kang over his brother, who tried to fight Shang Tsung and got his neck rearranged for his trouble. The other is to fool Johnny Cage into going to the tournament, by pretending to be his mentor, Master Boyd.
No, he's NOT Bo' Rai Cho! Not everything is canon!
Did Shang Tsung kill Master Boyd and claim his soul? Because It's implied his ability to copy people is related to his ability to steal souls. If his power did work in this way, it is safe to assume he found Boyd and killed him.

14) Why did Shang Tsung  get Earth's Best fighters involved?

The Mortal Kombat Tournament was lost by Outworld thanks mostly to two people: Johnny Cage, and Liu Kang. The strongest fighters, Sub Zero, Scorpion, and Goro, where defeated by them. Obviously Raiden knew how to pick them.

Except he didn't. Liu Kang only joined because his brother was killed by Shang Tsung. Before that he was completely distanced from the Monks and the Tournament.

And Johnny Cage only joined because he was actively brought by Shang Tsung. If Shang Tsung really wanted to win, he would have let Liu Kang's brother participate, and he'd have forgotten all about Johnny Cage. He could come collect their stupid souls later, when Earth Realm had gotten taken over. He could have kept Sonya, though.

13) Why are Sonya's weak fighting skills  a plot point?
No aerobics clothing?

Sonya doesn't get to do much in MK. She avenges her partner by killing Kano early on and then moves on to the background.

Because it's an actual plot point that Shang Tsung only brought Sonya so he'd have someone weak to fight at the end of the tournament. That's her arc. Shang Tsung spent his time  doing Raiden's work for him by getting the REAL fighters in here, and now he turns around and decides that maybe he should go easy on himself, and cap things off by fighting the lady from The Wedding Planner.

This isn't so much a question as it is a complaint. I like Sonya, we could have given her another Palette Swap Ninja to fight or something.

12) Did Raiden bring in a bunch of fighters to their death knowing they where going to die?
See, he WOULD lift a finger.

So Raiden didn't  recruit any of the important people in the movie, even though he only ever spent any time with Liu Kang, Sonya and Johnny Cage. He didn't give any life saving tips to Art Lean or Jenny Cho. We might assume this people where brought here either by Raiden or by Shang Tsung.

Let's give Raiden the benefit of the doubt and assume he brought at least some of the people from the tournament. Why wouldn't he assist them in any way?  Why would he leave them completely out of things?

Liu Kang is the chosen one, but he can't fight everyone in the tournament, otherwise he'd face exhaustion and die. Some people  who were not the chosen one needed to score some victories. Raiden  possibly brought in a bunch of people and then decided that  he should only work with 3 of them, and everyone else would be fine.

11) Who the hell is that guy?

Seriously, who the hell is that guy?

10) Can Shang Tsung revive the death?

Near the climax of the movie, Shang Tsung fights Liu Kang in his creepy castle of gloomness. After exchanging Hyas for a bit, Shang leaves Liu to face with some warriors who come out of manholes.

This guys are clearly culled from all human history, and presumably  former fighters that Shang Tsung enslaved.

But Shang Tsung has only been seen to enslave souls. Nobody said anything about Shang being able to revive the people who's souls he owned. Because then he really needed to revive Kano, Art Lean and that guy and made them fight Shang Tsung at the end.

09) Can't Raiden stop people participating in a tournament?

I mean, he's Earthrealm's protector. He's supposed to do everything he can to keep Earth from becoming absorbed by Outworld.

So can't keep Sonya from participating? Again, I like Sonya, but she's here strictly because how much she sucks. If I were Raiden, I'd be like, "nope, you can't participate" and I'd kick her out of the boat.

You can slap me if you want. If you can actually hurt me you get the job.

08) If Earth Realm people can participate in the tournament, why wouldn't Shang Tsung  get Johnny Cage on his side?

Not to repeat myself, but Johnny Cage is in Mortal Kombat exclusively because of Shang Tsung. But in the same way he conned(or is that konned?) Kano into fighting for him, why didn't he get Johnny Cage?

I mean, Cage was so completely out of the loop, I'm sure he would have gone with whatever, had he been properly not told about the impending  destruction of Earth.

07) How is Reptile made?
Nothing about no statue, here.

Near the end of the movie, Reptile, in this movie a little satanic gecko with invisibility powers, falls into a statue. The statue shoves some tentacles into him. The statue turns into Reptile, the Green Ninja.

So, is Reptile always in  the wait for the right statue to turn himself into a Ninja, or is the statue a ninja that needs a little monster in his heart to be able regain his full form? Or is this an exceptional moment that neither of them knew? A secret that eluded both the ugly statue and the  little stealth lizard?

Talk about your star crossed lovers!

06) What happens if Shang Tsung gives up?

During the final fight, Liu Kang starts a massive beatdown against Shang Tsung. But, since he's also learned  that revenge is no good, he asks Shang Tsung to surrender several times. Shang Tsung replies to this requests with "Never" and "Save your pity for the weak" and "Spit".

But what happens if Shang Tsung says uncle? Does he go to jail? Does Earthrealm win and he just has to go away? Because no one in this movie ever just tapped out.  Even after all the cheating and stuff, doesn't he get a sanction or anything?

05) Are all Shokans weak ass pussies?
All they a hug...

Goro is the equalizer in the tournament. Seemingly impervious to most physical attacks, and strong enough to lift a man, we even get a montage of all the people  he's broken down.

So if Shokans are so tough, why isn't team Outworld all Shokans? Why bother with That Guy if you could have another Shokan in there?

Is it because Goro is an exceptional Shokan, and the rest of the Shokans are not so hot? Is it some kind of Outworld affirmative action thing, where you gotta give  everyone equal participation in the

Think about it.

04) Can Shang Tsung move freely in Earthrealm?

Because it seems like he shouldn't. It seems kind of unsporting that an immortal shape-shifting demon sorceror can go about our side of existence. He could make a lot of things to influence the odds and cause an unfair upset.

In the actual movie he basically helped us, yes. If he can just saunter in an out of our world, why wouldn't he poison or cripple our greater fighters before their get to the tournement?  Why wouldn't he kill most people who know about the tournament? Why wouldn't he pretend to be Raiden and fool the best fighters into missing the tournament?

03) How is Shao Khan 3 stories high?

Now, we all know in every other media Shao Khan is tall, but this is ridiculous.

You might assume this is just a projection of Shao Khan. But a projection wouldn't be able destroy a temple. No, it's clear Shao Khan in this universe is a translucent titan.

02) Can you just pull a weapon on somebody in the Tournament?
"Well, that's not sporting at all."

Because it seems that one can. Kano can casually produce a knife, and That guy has some kind of fighting sticks.

So if there's no limits on weapons, who doesn't every fight have them? Why can't Sonya just  stab Goro in the neck and call it a day? I'm sure the only reason her gun  was destroyed early in the movie was to keep her from turning Mortal Kombat into Unreal Tournament.

01) If Raiden has no power in the island, how come he can do a bunch of stuff?

Raiden is a God. However, Raiden has no power in the tournament's setting, the Island. We are explicitely told this. He can only...
...threaten large groups of warrior men with lightening eyes...

...Piss off testosterone-ridden Ninja...

...manifest himself unexpectedly behind people...

Exactly how limited is Raiden? Because if he was just being an asshole and not directly helping well...that seemingly would go with a pattern.

Let's talk about Wonder Woman's body as if it mattered

"I wish Hollywood had some tricks to make people look not-as-they-are..."

Wonder Woman is one of the earliest female superheroes, and probably the one most people care about anyway. So going into Batman v Superman : Dawn of Justice, which had her first appearance in live action in decades must be pretty exciting for fans, right?

This is just as pointless as  #bringbackourgirls, except Zack Snyder might actually bring them back.
Oh, you wanna talk about Wonder Woman's body in what's likely to ammount to a cameo in Batman's movie? Fine. I like Wondy's body too.

There's 3 prevailing schools of thought on Wonder Woman's body: Jezebeline, Maximist, and Curvilinears. And none of the people who  profess these styles actually acknoweledge their titles, because I just made them up.

The Jezebelineans would love for Wonder Woman to not-give girls bad body image.  If Diana looks like a model they'll probably complain, even if 90 percent of all female actresses are like that anyway. DC comic heroes are easy to make a stand on while Black Widow rolls around in her  skintight jumpsuit, totally not getting a movie.

For them, there is a Wonder Woman.

For the record I like her movies. She's no Camryn Manheim, though.

They'd probably say I'm exaggerating. I am. But if you're gonna cast Wonder Woman exclusively for the Jezebelian crowd, without any accounting for anything else, this is your stop.

Maximists take this ficticional amazon's ficticional history seriously. "She's an AMAZON! She should have oak stumps for legs and abs that can take a tomahawk missile!"

For them,there is a Wonder Woman.
Don't know.
I mean, Superman and Batman are ripped. Why can't Wonder Woman be super ripped? Huh? Why is it? Is it because that's not nearly the most important thing when it comes to bringing this character to life? Huh? Is it?

The Curvilinears just want to see an accurate depiction of Wonder Woman's breasts. The character's long history has seen many changes in tone and style, but NEVER have her breasts been what we'd consider "small". They plan to be starring at that cleavage for a good amount of time, and they want to make good on that investment. For them, there is a Wonder Woman as well.

Va va va boom!
I guess that makes me a  Curvilinear as well. huh.

But in the end the people at WB chose this chick.
Those are some nice headlights.

There's bound to be a bunch of reasons why she got cast. How much money  she could bring to the movie chief among them. She's not the ideal actress for Wonder Woman we all picture in our head, but that just us. Some of us thought Thomas Jane would make an excellent Shadow the Hedgehog, and some of us thought HHH would make a fine Thor, and some of us thought  Heath Ledger would ruin the Joker forever. In the end we're proven wrong, we like the actor and we move on.
Or the Sonic movie never happens and we start to hate on  Jane over The Mist. Goddamit!

In either case, here's some of the questions you should be asking instead: How much screen-time will Wonder Woman actually have? What exactly will be her role in a movie titled Batman v Superman? Will she actually show in costume in the film? Will she use her magic lasso? Her invisible plane? Will we see Themyscira? Will Themyscira be actually a river near Turkey, like in real life?  Why is there not a sequel to the wonderful animated Wonder Woman movie? Why is there no Wonder Woman movie period, and instead we have to settle for her playing  a support role to Batman and Superman? Just asking, man.

Resumen Del Lunes 12/5/1014

Era ver esto, o Pocahontas. Si tuviera que tomar la decision otra voy con Pocahontas.

Los Power Rangers vienen con una nueva pelicula, en un mundo que ya tiene a Pacific Rim, la mejor pelicula de todos los tiempos. Esto no esta abierto al debate.

No hay noticias de cual serie se Sentai les hara la mayoria del trabajo.

La Liga de la Justicia por fin viene. Aquellos que dijeron que preferirian esperar 7 años por una pelicula mejor a la que el Director de Happy Feet rezen...que yo no los encuentre. La pelicula aun tiene a Henry Cavill como Superman, Ben Affleck como Batman, Gal Gadot como Wonder WOman y a otros que no me importa. A nadie le importa Cyborg, DC!

Creo que estan cometiendo un error. Superman deberia ser el Israeli, aqui. Digo, si lo ven a tener haciendo el papel de Moisesus en cada pelicula, pues que se tiren Judio.

Si, en la nueva pelicula tambien.

Ah, la pelicula? Nada, va a estar buena, pero mucha gente se va a quejar de lo cortos de los pantalones de Wondy y de  que Superman estrujo mucho a un criminal. Ironicamente Superman no puede ganar.

Aparentemente hay mucho interes en el titulo de la nueva de Star Wars, que podria ser "The Ancient Evil".
Aquaman mira con ojos envidiosos a Flash. "C-List....algun dia yo tambien lo sere"

Pero espera! Tambien podria no serlo! Que vamos a hacer si no sabemos el titulo de una pelicula que ahora fue que empezo a filmar? Volver a bajar Episodio 3?
Batman PODRIA estar guiando este carro

Ya esta disponible el trailer de Gotham, la serie que trata con el comisionado Gordon antes de que Batman estuviera por ahi.. Me suena a Smallville. Yo creo que van a llegar a la temporada 10, y ya va a haber salido Bane y Poison Ivy y Robin mientras Bruce Wayne todavia no sale de la highschool.

Gracias a Warner por complir con el pacto que mantiene a la sociedad unida: Que nunca debe haber menos de 5 productos de Batman in pantallas o en desarrollo.

Transition Time!

I'm moving all my blogaduchi action from to here,, the old blog will be fully discomforted by September, to celebrate my 6th blogging anniversary.  But why?

Well, for one, the PR wasn't really helping MY PR, you know?  I want something slicker, quicker, and deadlier, at least until I can afford an actual webspace. I want the new BGE to be more than what it was. I have a bunch of stuff incoming, including some videostuff some giveaways, and hopefully more animated gifs..  But from September moving forward I'm only gonna post it here.  You been warned, maniacs.  The only constant in this world is change. Let's change.

The Big "When does this go Public Domain?" Post

Mr Burns and Smithers representing the current way copyright and  authors are related.

Copyright; a temporary exclusivity on the distribution and reproduction of a work. A privilege, meant to aid authors and owners be more confident that their works will grant them income during their lifetimes. Maybe when it was instituted at a constitutional level they weren't thinking of sending kids to jail for having Niki Minaj  mp3s or stopping churches from unauthorizedly showing The Messenger without permission from  a company, or keep kids from singing High School Musical songs on they're own high schools, but what are you going to do?

If this makes me a copyright breaker, then I don't want to be nothing else.

After works stop belonging to Warner or whatever, they enter the public domain, a healthy 95 years after their initial publishing. I...think it should be a little less. If you agree, well, go ahead and sign my petition. Meanwhile, we must continue to live in the world where it takes nearly 100 years for works to become public domain. Why don't we check out when some of todays most influential works will enter public domain, according to today's law?

Now, here's my fair warning: unless I say so, this only accounts for the first appearance of the thing. For example, if I say Men in Black, all that enters PD is the initial movie. It'll take 5 years after that for MIB II, and ten years after that for MIB III. So if you use any elements from MIB III, say, the film's villain Boris, or the idea that Kay met Jay as a kid, in the date I give you, you're gonna get sued. I'm only giving you the date for Men in Black 1. Mind you, there's also a MIB cartoon, derived from the movies, and an MIB Malibu comics, which are now owned by Marvel, which inspired the movies. I can't cover every little thing. 
You can do better than this.

Because of this, I invented the Public Domain calculator. You just choose the year of publication, and it automatically shows you when the stuff will go public domain in the states. Want to know when you can use Batarangs, Buffy's sister Dawn, or That Old Strategy RPG Only YOU Remember? Well, give it  a whirl. You can even see when it would have gone  had the law not been changed, if you like indignation as much as I do.

Everyone else, here's a breakdown on when the most popular things today* go PD.  Read it and weep.


Movies. It takes a combination of actors, directors, and a bunch of something called "grips" to make a movie. Unlike a book, or a baby, you generally can't just make a movie between two to three people. Which is why most movies, most of the ones we all know and love are owned by corporations. Here's when they won't be.





Terminator  2079 (This is just the first movie. No T1000 yet.)



Pirates of the Caribean


Star Wars 

2070 (Just the first movie. No Bobba Fett yet or Emperor yet. On the other hand you can totally come up with your own Prequels at this point. You just can't put Jar Jar Binks in them. {:.(.. )


(This is just for the quotable Scarface remake starring Al Pacino we all know. The Original Scarface should have lapsed in 2027, You can make another Cut-in-the-face-criminal-who-rises-to-the-top-and-then-has-a-huge-downfall movie after 2027. Or, you know, now, and just don't call it Scarface.)

Planet of the Apes



2087 (This is just the first movie. The TV show, it's original characters and premises, will not lapse yet. )

James Bond (The first movie) 2048


Ok, there's plenty of public domain superheroes, awight? You could already be working on that. If you must wait, here's when some of the really popular ones will become as free as the air to use.


(He doesn't have his Batmobile, sidekicks, or code against killing by this point. Below are dates for further Batman elements)
Joker 2035
Robin 2035
Catwoman  2035

 2028 (He doesn't have his final symbol, abilities like flight or heat vision, sidekicks, pets or most of his rogues cast.)

Wonder Woman 




 2058 He doesn't have the red and yellow yet.

 2055 The team is comprised of Angel, Marvel Girl, Cyclops, Beast and Iceman. Adding Jubilee gets you sued.)
>Wolverine 2069

Fantastic Four 
Dr Doom 2057

Ninja Turtles
 2079 (This is just the original comics. Does not cover future cartoons, movies, books etc.)

Dick Tracy



Did you know that Chronicles of Narnia is already public domain in Canada, and that War of the Worlds is public domain in America, yet still locked up in England? Books are the original IP, and here's when some of the ones you like might become Public Domain.

Lord of the Rings


Starship Troopers


I Robot 


Space Odyssey


Who goes there? BKA The Thing






I Am Legend


Who doesn't love a good cartoon? I know I do, anyway. Animation is, naturally, one of those things that's becoming "Democratized" by cheap and free and easy new tools, and one day it'll be easier than ever for you to make your own version of...

Looney Tunes
 2063 (Check for particular character origins. I'm tired)

Mickey Mouse


Betty Boop
 2021( Or...maybe now?)

Inspector Gadget

 2090( Check for particular character's first appearance)

Sailor Moon



Yeah, we're not getting any public domain videogames within our lifetimes, thanks to those ridiculous alterations made to the duration of copyright. It's sad, really.   What's fun is, once, since rules and procedures can't be copyrighted, you'll get to make as much legitimate Sonic as you like once he does go public domain.


Street Fighter
 2092 (This is just the Street Fighter 1 game.No Chun Li for you, yet. )



Legend of Zelda


Final Fantasy 2082

Final Fantasy VII(the one you all care about anyway.)

Final Fight



Tomb Raider featuring Lara Croft


Metal Gear


Mortal Kombat


So there you go, guys. See you in 95 years!

(Batzarro is not a copyright lawyer. Or a lawyer of any kind. Or very smart. Or not-dumb. Follow his advise at your own risk, asshole.)

* Well, some stuff I know, anyway. Go do your own damn list, then!

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