Scooby Doo is back. Scooby Doo never left.




Let's see if I get this right. Robin-Velma plays videogames, Robo Scooby speaks through Emoticons, Daphne looks like a Gen 13 Reject, Fred is trying to be an Extreme Ghostbuster, and Shaggy looks like that weird guy that performs at the park. Did I get all of them?

Scooby Dooby Doo? Where are you? They're putting you on DC.
It really really looks like they filtered you, through some bad DBZ.

There's no time to fear, this fiscal year, you really must deliver
Profits to stock holders who own you now, or I have to sell my liver!

So, after a long time, WB has finally decided to revive obscure Hanna Barbera cartoons it owns as DC comics. For the most part it looks ok and I can't complain, because I kind of asked them to do it. But then there's the Scooby Doo comic.
 
If you asked me to make a parody of what Scooby Doo as made by DC would be like, this is exactly what I would think off. Daphne holding a gun? Scooby with Vegeta's Scouter. Shaggy looking...like a weirdo? Tats on Freddy? Velma looking like she's almost got a domino mask on?

But to be frank I always found  Scooby's appeal to be kind of meh. I'm not saying I thought it was bad or anything. It's ok. But okay enough for there to be so much of it? I fought for staying at home if it meant missing Taz-Mania and Ninja Turtles, but Scooby Doo, I just didn't care.

I mean either of the Scooby Doos. When I was a kid we had A Pup Named Scooby Doo, and Reruns of the original 60's  show.

Which brings me to ask. What's with constantly reviving Scooby Doo. I mean, last year I made a chart about this. Look.


 These are the years doring which new Scooby Doo Television shows have been on the air. The longest Scooby has been of the air has been the 10 year gap after the end of APNSC and What's New Scooby Doo(I think. I did that research last year). All to basically the same plot. There's a "Scary" thing, and some kids investigate it like they're getting payed for it. But then it's now. It wasn't something supernatural. Just an asshole in a mask.

Compare this to say, Batman, the most popular Super Hero in the world.


 

This are the years on which Batman has been on the air. There's a 15 year Gap during which Batman hasn't been on TV sets, and part of those years are following WB's purchase of it. That means there must have been a couple of years of thos guys just going "howda we make moneys off of this Batman stuf we own now?"


The ammount of years with no Ninja Turtles, though, will amaze you.


 Sure it's existed a shorter amount of time than either of the others, but TMNT already has  2 Movie Reboots, 3 cartoon seriei and a a live action show. 




But back to Scooby Doo. I don't know who gritty 90's Scooby Doo is for. I mean, it could be good or whatever, but for something THIS different from a franchise  that's already done some good reinventions, and yet is mostly known for basically a single plot, it's kind of a weird move. Don't get eaten out there, Velma.





Horrendous Theory: Frank Miller Makes-A-Wish


Say, over the years Frank Miller has had a bit of a falling out with the nerdosphear. While highly celebrated during the 80's for his comics about Batman being gritty, as well as other Sin City and 300, the pervasive thought hanging in the air seems to be that Frank's become a parody of himself, as well a mysoginist warmonger, with a smaller minority that thinks that he was ALWAYS a mysoginist warmonger and that we just kinda realized it.

But whatever you think of him, you have to admit his projects have drawn a lot of controversy in the last decade, whether it's that book about Batman(later removing the Batman part) going to the Middle East to kill Bin Laden, which took so long to make US forces got to him first, or making an actual Batman book with a title alluding to Nazi terminology.





Now why would DC allow for Frank Miller to make this kinds of things with it's bread and butter character? You might think that the guys who okayed Sue Dibney's rape and Green Lantern having a book titled "Triumph of the Will" maybe aren't so good at drawing the lines between envelope pushing and going to far to get your book mentioned. But I have another theory.

This is a picture of  Frank Miller, looking not-so-hot at age (58). Lots of rumors have circulated about why he looks so beat up, but what never came up is "he's super healthy."

Without speculating about a man's health, I think Frank Miller's been given a final diagonosis. He's got a date with death coming up real soon.

So you're DC, and one of your former star talents is dying and you know it. And he approaches you and tells you he wants to make a book in which Batman kills cops and makes Robin eat rats. Now, this is your main breadwinner character, and if anyone else where to approach with that idea, you'd turn him down. But are you really gonna send a good friend of the industry, a guy you might have read up as a young man, to die of sick and in poverty? No, you let him do whatever he wants.

It just so happens his Make-A-Wish wish is less of the happy puppy variety and more of the whatever this is variety.

But my SUB theory of this is that there is no empathy involved in the process. I mean, when Frank Miller dies, the hate will subside, and up will float a body of work that people will have a burst of interest in, if only to know it the troubled old man really was a madman or a genius or both.

So instead of playing it safe and telling him no, you double down and let Frank Miller make mincemeat out of popular characters, knowing that it's an INVESTMENT for a book that, if it doesn't sell NOW, will surely sell a lot once Frank Miller kicks the bucket. If it's the first thing it's heart warming, but if it's the second thing it's kind of diabolically genious.


But it's probably none of those. I mean, I'm not Frank Miller's doctor or anything.  I just think both of those things  make more sense than someone seeing the term "Batman: The Master Race" and not seeing any problem with it. But hey we'll see.

Adam Ruins Everything says it better than me

Sometimes you can't say it better than it's already been said. So in an effort to educate my readers regarding copyright, I'm delegating the task to Adam, of Ruining Everything fame, to put into voice what I've been trying to say in text for a while. Please, check him out at TruTv's channel, and  tell him BGE sent you.



The REAL reason Gamestop left Puerto Rico


"Power(off) to the Players"

So as you may have heard, Gamestop has decided to close all 7 of it's stores in Puerto Rico and GTFO. As a Puerto Rican living in Puerto Rico I can explain it slightly better than IGN, but it'll take me a bit of time because the story of Gamestop leaving the island is also basically the story of the of the island itself.

So in the  late 1890s the Americans took the island from Spain after 400 years of spanish rule during the Spanish American War.  We could talk a long time about this and why it happened or if it was right, but ultimately that has nothing to do with Games.

After a few decades of military rule, it started to look a little bad. So they made the Island a Free Associated State, which since it's not a colony, forever solved all status disputes with the US forever(citation needed) . Now we were all American Citizens, but the island had only words to represent it on congress and no vote. Congress also reserves the right to undo any laws we try to do.

Financially, the island started to progress because several laws made it a good place for the manufacture buisneess. Cities were built,  and people started achieving enough capital to spend on frivolous stuff, like  TVs and Games.

However, eventually, the laws that made manufacture a good buisness were taken away, and slowly but surely the backbone of our economy started to fall under us.

This was the point to find a NEW backbone to our economy. But our leaders had a different idea: Borrow a lot of money and pretend we were ok. They Weekend at Bernies-ed our Economy. After all, would a collapsing economy have an expensive train that runs  a short distance? An expensive obelisk praising the chief of police? Giant metal avocados?
Our leaders suck. Can you tell?

The thing with borrowed money is, you have to pay it back or else people won't want to lend you more. Soon the size of our debt was mirrored only by our lack of resources to pay it back. And so, our government looked to the only reasonable source of income it could: giant corporations that owed it billions of dollars and had operated for years without paying them The informal economy,

The informal economy is mostly  criminals who sell drugs and guns, but don't  pay any taxes on those because...they aren't doing this to pay government. However, it also includes, say, people selling water bottles on the street, who aren't paying taxes on them because...fuck the government.

So they made a tax on bought goods of 7%. So if you buy a pack of waters to sell on Walgreens, or a Kawasaki bike with which to shoot up your drug rivals, you pay the cost of that, and a 7% tax charge on that.

The only thing they forgot was that they suck at doing their job. Oh, a cop would fucking threaten you with thousands of dollars in fines if you sold water on the corner now, but although most buisnesses charged this new tax, the government had no system in place to see if buisnesses were actually giving them the REAL 7% of anything. Many places did charge the tax, then proceeded to pocket the money.

With the noose tightening around their neck, the government came up with new incremental taxes on the chain of production itself, figuring if it could tax stuff at every point of retail, it would make  a lot of money.

Instead that, along with the continual increases on the cost of water and electricity, are killing the very idea of malls. You see, the owners of a mall charge  the stores within it, and that's how they make their money. Stores like KMart and Gamestop are mall stores. There aren't loose Kmarts and Gamestops around.  So, with imported goods taxed several times over before they hit the shelf, Malls refusing to back down on their rental prices, and frankly the economy being in the shitter because...there ISN'T an economy,  stores like Gamestop can't find any ground anymore.

While it's not quite a good thing that Gamestop is going away, I want to see the positive side of it. It's certainly good for Neo Japan. It's a small place, near my home. I've been meaning to go there, but now, I won't have choice it I want to get my game on.

I will miss Gamestop, and it's used games, and used games  sold in new boxes for new game prices, and the way they gave you 25 cents of discount if you brought them a used game from 2 years ago, I think we will  survive.  We somehow always will. This is hustler island.












BGE investigates: Do we have too MUCH Batman?




2batty4me





In my nerd commandments article I commented that, while Batman movies have been recycling a lot of it's villains and  snubbing others for over 2 decades, I have no desire for Batman to go away.

 But that got me to thinking, maybe Batman COULD go away for a bit.

You see, since he was created that silly 60's TV show, Batman has become overall the most popular super hero in the world. This has various reasons. Unlike Green Lantern and Flash, or even X-Men, bringing the the concept to the screen isn't filled with technical obstacles. And trust me, if it was by the comics alone, Batman would be stuck in the same level of recognition as Rotor the Walrus. No, I'm not giving you a hyperlink.  Batman, and overall most of his enemies, are mostly humans, and don't have require a lot of complicated effects to be realized with a modicum of acceptability.

Just like vampires, and zombies Batman's ease of presentation has allowed other sides of the character to flourish. But it's not just that. Even as many heroes' run ups with the grim and grittiness of the 80's and 90's has  become a mocking point for them, Batman's has endured as the POSITIVE point in the character's history, despite the fact that it could get about as silly as anything else.

When's the last time you saw DLC based 50 year old TV show outside of Call of Duty: Modern Warfare's Bewitched Costume pack?
But maybe it's a generational thing. I'm 30 and Batman has been  the most popular character in several mediums for the better part of most of my life. But even growning up during a phenomena called Batmania, I've never seen Batman be this prevalent. Batman's 3rd  official live action movie continuity starts with Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice next year. It itself is a prequel to 2 Justice League movies which, if you think they're gonna put aside the most popular character in the world being played by  Holywood's beloved Ben Affleck to focus on anyone else, you are sorely mistaken.
Ben Affleck  as Bruce Wayne looks like Ben Affleck a whole lot.
There's a Batman Solo movie already planned with Affleck set to direct and obviously star.  Suicide Squad will feature a cameo with him, and also spotlight on the ever popular Joker villain, with additional Batman villains like Harley Queen, Killer Croc, and Deadshot(played by Hollywood's beloved Will Smith, and you know what a scene hog he can be) making  significant percentage of the titular team.

But if that's all too grim for you, there's also Lego Batman, but like for cinema, not like the handful that exist out of cinema. And not like the Lego Batman GAME series. And speaking of games, Batman also has a game series to him now: The Arkham Series. That one has been a big success so far, so count on more coming. For the record, during my day we never had a Batman game series, especially not one hailed as worthy of magazine cover importance. In fact, we had a running joke about how the assortment of unconnected Batman games could never be any good.
And let's not forget the Batman car game! Remember, Batman doesn't use guns!
And let's not forget Gotham, a Smallville-esque attempt of filling the years between Batman's parents being murdered and Batman becoming Batman with a long running soap a dope. Oh, and animated movies coming out about pretty much most important Batman comics arcs.

For a long time, I wanted DC to finally give us heroes that wern't Batman. And while that call is seemingly being answered, It seems to me that they wouldn't take "the risk" unless they could pillow any potential  losses with EVEN MORE BATMAN.



It seems to me at some point we could be reaching Peak Batman, a point of Bat Exhaustion when Batman is become so common place, so ever present, that really he becomes boring. This is even more dangerous than Batman becoming ridiculous. Batman has bounced back from ridiculous a few times.  But once the people become bored with the character, nothing but leaving it alone can help.
The 7 years between this and Batman Begins where spent, yes, trying to make more Batman.

Remember, there was a time where Archie outsold Batman. Yes, that Archie. He had cartoons and stuff. He didn't need Predator or death and gay stunts. It was just a simple funny book, in every sense.  But over time, Archie's brand of humor became a bit bland for American audiences. Archie became boring.  Where are Archie's movie and cartoon deals? Where are Archie's games? They aren't.

It is my opinion that WB should put a leash on the Bat, but nevertheless I suspect they won't.  If the Batman brand crashes it may take a few decades before it can bounce back. This would be bad for fans, since it wouldn't just cut short exploitations of the Batverse, but much further DEVELOPMENT of it in it's source material. It would also be bad for WB, since "a few decades" is what it HAS left until Batman enters the public domain. But I guess we'll see.


I can still remember how worn out those gloves where...

 

6 Things we're missing out on thanks to Copyright



If you hate the idea of public domain, you hatin' on Cthulu

A new year! A chance to think about the future. Specifically, what might have been. You see, I'm a fan of alternate worlds in which things went different. But not just ones where, like, I'm a jerk wearing black. Or, well...MORE of a jerk wearing black a lot more often. But the ones that could have easily been ours. The one where Mr Freeze was played by Patrick Stewart and where Ryu had that fiery kick.

I think of copyright.  Of the  Game Jam I'm currently hosting and part of my impetus is I thought of the things that could have been, should copyright had not been extended to last longer than Stan Lee's actual lifespan. A lot of people where worried about their favorite characters and how they'd be besmirched if copyright  wasn't there to protect them (but I've been to Paheal, and Fanfiction.net and know that nothing is safe or sacred.). But I can only lament the possibilities that never occurred. This lost opportunities include...

6) Some more celebrity comebacks

You see, some celebrities have the one character or two they're good at. There's only one Charly Chaplin, only one Larry, Curly and Mo, only one Ace Ventura.

But what happens sometimes is, MGM owns Ace Ventura, the character. Jim Carrey totally has a great idea for a sequel. It's awesome. But the studio don't agree with it. They have a full schedule and a head full of farts

Who the hell is this for?

  If Ace could become public domain while Jim Carrey lived, He'd be able to work with another studio, or no studio, and bring back the character.  If the Ghost Busters had become public domain, Dan Akroid would just be able to do his own Ghost Busters spin off or whatever, without having to fight the studio or wait for Bill Murray.



5) Saving movie theaters


Well, I suppose now I'll have to laser pointer my big screen TV while people I know yell obscenities.

When I was a kid, going to the movie Theater to experience a movie was an epic thing that had few substitutes. Indeed, televisions had yet to catch on to theater quality,  bootlegs where not something you could grab off the street and put it in your pocket, or download, and cellphones that record had yet to be invented.

But we can't live in the past anymore. Theater attendance is apparently at an all time low, even though Hollywood has made sure no movies made this year weren't based on a comic, TV Show, cartoon, other movies, or toys. Cinemas  can't afford to fight these other mediums, and they especially can't fight the fact people know the movie will be legally available in a few months.

Really, theaters rent these movies hoping people will buy enough popcorn and candy bars to  offset the cost of the rental, employees, maintenance, and so on and so forth.

However, if   movies that weren't re-registered into the copyright office after 36 years went public domain, then we'd have movies that could be shown with no cost to the audience, we'd have films that could be shown to the audience, free of charge, from as early as the 70s and even the 80's! You could set up your own little theater and show them!

"I've got The Hobbit movie for 7 bucks and...Invasion of the Bee Women for 50 cents."

Mind you, most of the classics wouldn't be available. Mostly the rare movies that  didn't  get registered, usually because they weren't  profitable enough.  But since there is no cost to rent them, you could run low ass prices and get bored people, or retrophiles into it.

And further, the bigger chains could have some movies to run in the lower seasons. They could organize special viewing of this movies.

But as long as copyright owners have their copyright, huh?

4) It would discourage large companies from buying all the cool stuff

The Disneys, Viacoms, and WBs of the world have been busy. In a  few couple of years they've gobbled up most of the popular brands that they already didn't own. Disney bought Star Wars and Marvel. WB(that already owns DC, all the filmation cartoons, all the Hanna Barbera characters, and possibly your firstborn.) bought Mortal Kombat(along with other stuff you don't care about, and they don't, either) while Viacom locked down Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and Power Rangers.


You find the weirdest things when buying  a game company.

Clearly there is good money in owning a perennial hit, and where there is monies, giant corporations  will be. I don't resent them for it, but I don't like the implications of it.

I mean, clearly  WB has more characters than it can use or need. But who cares? The older ones probably still have a lifetime of copyright left.

Back in the day, though, you had to pay every 30 years to keep your work under protected status. Not a lot of money, mind you. But perhaps enough money that maybe they get to thinking if they REALLY need to hold on to the rights of Shmoo and Batfink.

You'd have to be a real dick to think otherwise.

Marvel has 7000+ characters*. I ran some costs and it would cost them 210000 to maintain the copyrights each of those, based on a 30 dollar fee. Some of these characters are simply not worth holding on to, and would go public domain.  Because, seriously, if you can't spend 30 bucks every 30 years in your ploy to put your dick in DC's face, maybe you shouldn't get to do it for free.



Would Disney see things differently about buying Marvel if they knew such copyright exclusivity had a limit? Well, don't make me bring up the Disney filmography again. Those guys love the Public Domain. Of course they'd rather get Spider-Man in the 2030s for free than pay  millions of dollars for him NOW.

3) Hundreds of books, movies, and songs

I join Duke in bringing up all the stuff we could  ALL use, now ( Now, Duke, I've made some assumptions about what you're gonna post several months into the future. Don't give me a dead link, now). A few highlights:


songs

I Put a Spell on You.

books

The Cat in the Hat Comes Back. Free Cat in the Motherfucking Hat for Everybody!

movies


The Blob, The Fly, and Attack of the 50 Foot woman. The Hidden Fortress, a movie that directly inspired Star Wars, is also from this year.

3)Saving a bunch of your taxpayer money

Nobody likes it the way it is, anyway

"But Batzarro, how is my tax money being spent on copyright?" You may ask. It's simple. For a work to be fully protected, it needs to be registered at the Copyright office. Most of the mainstream shows, movies and songs that got made,  scores of ones that didn't, and even  those sketches of Ninja Turtle clones people registered so no one would steal their "ideas" are all literally, physically registered in actual buildings. How else are we supposed to know whether our sexy, steampunk remake of Narnia will get us a Cease and Desist?

I know. I have a problem.


More recently, of course. You can look up part of these records yourself online. But for certain hard to find ones you'll have to have employees look it up for you. For 200 dollars.

You see, it  used to be copyright did not last as much, and payments where made to ensure those works remain protected. The copyright office had a little more cash to operate, and works actually lapsed into the public domain.

But  now, your initial payment of 40 something dollars gets you twice as many years of protection. It costs money to keep all those bad ideas protected, so it gotta come out of YOUR pockets.

It costs the government as of 2002  13 million a year to maintain a copyright record. Or rather, it costs YOU that much. The Copyright Office is not a private entity. It's a subsidiary of the United States Government. This why permanent copyright is impossible: We don't have enough money to keep those kinds of records in, say 1000 years. Even with user fees, no way the cost of keeping those unmade Batman movies protected won't keep adding up.

2) Adam Strange's appearance in Smash Bros

That's right. Adam Strange, the Superhero who lives on another planet until a thunder forces him back on Earth(or does he live on earth until a thunder forces him back to another planet), could have been in Smash Bros in 2015 as DLC. Sure,in that scenario Batman and Superman are both long into the Public Domain, But Adam's practically made for it!

Sure, why not.

Nintendo wouldn't put Sherlock Holmes in Smash Bros. Really, most of the characters on public domain now are from  before color movies.  Back then we didn' have concepts like "Superheroes" or "Other Planets" or "Time Travel". That means that, most time travelers, extraterrestrials, and Superheroes are copyrighted.

You might think it's cheesy to want to use the characters made by  someone else. After all, why can't I come up with own character? What  am I, a hack?

Haha, you wouldn't tell Alan Moore, that. Really, when he's not using public domain characters to do artsy perversion he's nudge-winkingly trying to use James Bond and Harry Potter in his stories. Why, if he could use the genuine article, I bet you it'd be mother buggering fantastic, and none of you at the peanut gallery peasants would be calling him lazy.

But seriously, this is borderline fan ficky, Alan.



Why can't Chris Sims, self declared Batmanologist, have a stab at Batman? Bob Kane and Bill Finger is dead, and WB is in no risk of going chapter 11, over a webcomic. Why must we wait so many years for a Wonder Woman movie? Because the creative possibilities are chained  to profit margins.


1) Not as many remakes



"Whooooot? How can making very popular works public domain make there be less remakes?" That's a good question. I mean, it SOUNDS counter intuitive. If Batman where public domain, if feels like he'd be in every movie this year.

But actually, no. You see, studios like this thing where they are the sole owners of a franchise that's worth millions of dollars. They get to make exactly as many Superman movies as they want, and you get to do exactly as many Superman movies as they'll allow(zero). And then they get to do it again next decade.

But if they only had 30 years, it's put pressure on them to create/buy/own a NEW thing for 30 years.  Once anyone can make their own Superman movie,  WB will probably move on to buying the next thing they feel will last those 30 years, and not "whatever, it's forever"

What's more, new, obscure stuff is essentially new works to you if you don't know them. Have you seen Star Oddyssey? No? Then maybe my book based on it will be new to you! I mean, the problem is not that it's a remake. Didn't you like The Fly? Well maybe my book is Cronenberg's Fly to the original movie's The Fly.


Brundelfly would approve of my book.
My point is why won't you fuckers buy my fucking book obviously there's a lot more stories to tell out there than how Peter Parker got his powers. If more studios had more legal access to a wider variety of popular stories, those studios would be less likely to keep pumping the same stories they already pumped. I mean, let's look at the 1958 box office: and compare it to the 2013 box office. Which has more remakes, reboots or adaptations? So really, we should be fighting for more stuff to lapse into the public domain, not less.


Ignore the fact all but one of 1958's movies are based on books. Books don't count.
We're undercutting the creativity of the entire country because what? Because "I might just make a great work, and I don't want to eventually have people enjoy it without their joy profiting me directly?" Let's fight for shorter copyright durations today, before we have to fight for less long copyright durations tomorrow.

*In my zealousness, though, I completely forgot that you don't exactly register A CHARACTER in  copyright, but a work. A character's first appearance being PD makes THAT first appearance of the character Public Domain(because you can't make derivatives of a public domain second issue, which would be based on the first issue). Which means, that Marvel would probably have to copyright and re-register EACH COMIC IT MAKES to make sure no elements in it ever lapse. Now, being that Marvel has made approximately (we're not gonna discount licensed material, variant covers and crossover shit. Math is bad enough, and I won't be surprised when I turn out to have completely bungled up this, anyway.)32,000 comics, we're talking roughly  $960000 every 30 years.  The original math still works if Marvel was  just  registering first appearances to keep the first appearance from lapsing, discounting joint first appearances, obviously. It's still a lot of money to keep the rights to The Hypno-Hustler and Venom's Ex-Wife, though.

CPG talks copyright

Sometimes you can't say it better than it's already been said. That's Why I'm putting up this video from the wonderful CPGgrey talking about copyright. His channel has a lot of information on a lot of topics and he's way smarter than me, so go check it out. People really, REALLY need to know about this topic, and well, they don't.




Mortal Kombat Giberish Finally Decoded!


¿Por que no?


For more than half my life there´s been a question in my mind: What the hell did Raiden just say?



Scooby Doomy Doo? Shyamadama doo? I GATTA DIE? The hell is that? It wouldn't be until I was older than I realized that the character is saying nothing at all. Unlike when I thought Ryu was saying "Atack-tack-doo-ken" and Psylocke was saying "Uphold the pudding", there wasn't any language barrier or loud competing arcade sounds to overcome, here. It is gibberish made up  by voice actors clearly having too much fun. Like with the Sims, the point here isn't to give you what the  character is saying, but what the character is trying to say.

Well, no Wreckless for you, Psylocke.

Except, I once rented Mortal Kombat 4. And with that game, I was sure...SURE! That that game was using Spanish terms. So I looked up all the voices, which someone was kind enough to put on a video.



Mortal Kombat 4 is not as much gibberish as you might have believed. Within this audio clips, voices can clearly be heard saying things like "Oh I'm gonna throw you over there!" and "AAAAW MY LEG!". But If you're a Puerto Rican, like me, you'll find some other things. Let's look at them.


2:52 "Dejame Quieto". It  means "leave me alone".

3:04 "Carajo Coño". These are two curse words that often can be seen whenever a Puerto Rican is angry. Although overusage has left their litteral meaning worthless, "carajo" is the lousiest place on a  ship where you send people you don't like(although there is debate about it's meaning, with some thinking it is a place on the map or a reproductive member.), and "coño" is pubic hair. Both of these are used to express frustration.

By the way, these are major curse words, equivalent on weight to your English "Fuck" and "Dick". "Stuff you don't say on TV"  bad. Usted no jode con un dios!



3:09 "Cuidame" It means "Take care(of me)". Uh...what?

3:13 "Toque el piano" it means "(I) played the piano". Nice to know, but I'm still planning to rip out your arms.

3:11 "No me toque" means "Don't touch me". Interestingly, it uses the more proper "toque" which is used with strangers or people of grander stature over the more commonerish "toques". 

3:45 "Ay, Mami". The fighter calls out his mom, in pain.

4:08 "Quien puso ese pedazo de hielo alpino ahi" or "Who put that piece of alpine ice there".  Pretty sure this is the sound for "slipping on Sub Zero's ice", too.

4:12 "Marrallo Parta". This expression is also heard from exasperated and frustrated Ricans the world over.  It is a contraction from the phrase "Que un mal rayo me parta" or "May a bad lightening split me". It's a poor choice of words if you are fighting Raiden.

Freckles Marvel: The Lost Marvel Episode XI : By the Book



It's been a while since I've talked about Freckles Marvel. But not because of a lack of stuff to say. I've since discovered Freckles Marvel has made sporadic appearences besides the ones I mentioned in the pages of Mary Marvel's magazine. But I thought they were acceptable losses to not mention them. I mean, they wern't  even Freckles Marvel Stories, per se.

But then there was her cartoon appearance. Thanks to Youtube user Melare Delga we now have a bit more of Freckles' freckled history available. Thanks to you, I'm going back to Marvelton.

Yes, Freckles appears in the second episode of The Kid Super Power Hour with Shazam! , a Filmation Cartoon that aired during the years 1981-82. So, you know, I guess this was all for nothing.

I wanted to find something  rare and obscure. A cartoon episode means that duh, now everybody knows about Freckles Marvel. Let's face it, Freckles Marvel is ruined.

So the episode starts with The Marvels at the Marvel Mansion getting a visit from Freckles, who is described as Billy and Mary's Cousin. Which is true...from a certain point of view. If Uncle Marvel was their actual uncle(which he might be in this show I didn't watch) then  yeah, they're cousins. But he's not because that's his shtick, and unlike him Freckles never pretended to have superpowers, so I don't know what she is here or what her relationship is to anyone.


Anyway, suddenly Freckles.
?????????????


Uh...
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


I...don't know what is going on here. Freckles Marvel is now either an overdeveloped 5 year old or a little person. I mean, I don't want to get on your case, Filmation, but  you're making this weird.
Why, yes, it does zoom in.

And oddly, the episode doesn't really give away if this is supposed to be like their baby cousin or just a short girl, either. The voice actress is the same as Mary Marvel, and the voice isn't going for something baby-esque or anything.
I take it back when I said "never to be brought back or grittied up or tarted up" again.



Anyway, Freckles comes in and gives a gift to Mary Marvel in the form of a book, which was given to her by some guy who approached her on the street.

Now, Freckles KNOWS Mary and Billy are superheroes. You'd think she'd be a little suspicious of strange men offering her stuff, especially when the stuff is, say...a book with pictures of Lizardmen in polos. So this version is at least as dumb as Freckles Prime, except instead of being like an outgoing, brazen kind of girl, she's just kind of blandly happy, providing no conflict or contrast to the proceedings.
Seriously, bro, you fucked up.

So, to recap, Freckles Marvel went from being a lanky, ugly girl who fought zoo animals and started a city wide riot, to some kind of sappy crapola ChibiUsa bullshit. And she went from being Mary Marvel's biggest fan and and trying and failing to become a hero to being a Mary and Billy's cousin from another town. I guess this was the 80's, and such ideas were considered outdated.
I'll wait for the movie.


But let's move on, from Freckles, which is what the show does anyway. During that night, the lizards jump out of the book and capture, Freddy, Billy and Mary. You see, this is already raising questions.

The lizards(who are blatantly wearing LaCoste Polos, and I don't know if that's brilliant or idiotic) and their prey shrink using their Tennis Rackets to a small size to go into the book. I hope they run into Jesus in there.
This is what happens if golf clubs embrace variety.


No, this takes them to Millions of years in the past, were, in which Ibac, The acursed, Ibac(he tells you twice, I assume it's important) a demonic amalgam creature with a mohawk, lays down his plan.  He's got a machine called "The People Processor", and while that sounds as threatening as "The Car Wash", it's actually a machine that mutates normal humans into mutant lizards. He does this to our heroes. He plans to do this to all the cavemen, shoot them through a tube into the future that is our present, and rule the world.

Now turned into "Hiss-Men", they can't transform into their heroic alter egos. However, they do have super strenght and agility, which only doesn't immediately get them out of the jam because their main idea is to run away into the dinosaur infested forest.

Marvel quickly registered Captain Lizardman as a trademark.

Now, take a deep breath, there, Ibac. Your plan is to kidnap a bunch of pissed off cavemen, and put them in a machine that will make them into super strong lizard people. Then, you somehow grab a hold of them, force them out of their time, and then assume they will not only understand what it is you want, but also obey you and be succesfull at it. A few notes.
  • These angry lizard-cave-men will immediately attack you.

  • You can't rule humanity if you turn all their ancestors into lizard men. In fact, doing that only ensures that you will rule a relatively small society of cave men with lizard bodies.

  • You can shrink humans, but you don't use this to shrink lizard Mary, Billy and Freddy.

  • Even if you sidestep the obvious time travel paradox of trying to enslave a people who's ancestors you nixed out, Hiss Men are no match for tanks and bombs. Or other Super Heroes that aren't Captain Marvel.

  • Speaking of, involving your worst enemy into a time travel scheme is a great way to get caught.

  • With that said, there is no reason not to have also captured the people left at the mansion.  I mean, there is no rush, and you obviously know they exist, and that they are there. Failing to capture those guys is the undoing of this whole plan.

  • You have access to time travel and direct access to the present(?) and the past and the future. Can't you come up with something better than this stupid brute force approach? Hell, why not turn everyone on the past into Hiss Men and RULE THERE?

Still, while The Shadowy Space Lizard Cabal that secretly rules the world taunts us by letting us know what they did through cartoons all THAT is going on, Chibi Marvel, Uncle Marvel and Talky Tawny, a sentient talking tiger in a suit I know about but have zero interest in researching, are wondering where everyone is. So, naturally, they walk out of the house and find THE TIME TRAVEL PIPE.

You've seen time travel Hot Tubs, Time Travel Cars, Time Travel Books, but never a time travel sewer pipe.

In great coincidence, Billy is on his second escape now, (Ibac, you goddamn moron!) and comes out of the tubes. And they are just ready to beat whatever comes out of that pipe to death.


I don't know what Freckles is holding here, and I don't think I wanna know.

He explains. Maybe. I think they forgot the fade out to the explaining, so it looks like Freckles just knew about it all. Shazaming does work for present day Lizard Billy Batson, so he becomes Captain Marvel. But he can't go through the time stream as Captain Marvel, so he becomes Billy, goes through, and gets himself captured a 3rd time.

Eventually, Freckles, Dudely and Tawny worry and go through. Freckles runs past a lizard guy and removes the gag from Captain Marvel. Without batting an eyelash Captain Turns the lizard men into regular men, turns Freddy and Mary back into humans, leaves Ibac stranded in the past by throwing his time travel devices around, and a the day is saved.
But it's hard to bat an eyelash for him, anyway...

So, what to say. Freckles Marvel was Freckles Marvel in name only, and not even like they were trying to do something unique with her. She's just there, and probably not even in any other episodes. This is like if you had Scrappy Doo, except now he's just a smaller Scoopy Doo with the same personality and voice actor.



"No Father! I Love HIIIM!"


Out of that, it's just a silly cartoon, that you can only get online because the rights are entangled. It's got the Filmation standard animation goofs, ludicrous plots and  stilted voice acting. So it's bad in a quaint way.

Let me know if there's other Freckles Marvel appearances out there that I missed! Or else!


Son of a Pitch: Mechanical Fan Licenses




I don't know. I wanted a robot clerk. C'est la vie.

I just got done reading this fantastical book called "Freedom of Expression (R): Overzealous Copyright Bozos and Other Enemies of Creativity" by Kembrew McLeod.

And it's a wonderful read on the world of copyright, albeit, focusing a little too much on music stuff for my tastes.

However, the book did have some enlightening information on the nature of copyright. For example, I learnt, I could cover any song I like and pay basically a penny. Legally.

How so? Well, what happens is there exists something called a "compulsory mechanical license."

While it sounds like something those Squids from the Matrix would hand you, it's something much better. There is a system in place where you check with the government if a song's songwriter registered it to the copyright office. If it IS registered, you pay a laughable fee, and get to making those covers.
Awwww...

The government rounds up all that money and in the end pays the songwriter, should he or she be alive and findable.

You see, when you ask the record company that probably bought a second record company that owns the SONG( the actual recording) copyright to make a cover of that song, they can pretty much set their price. Their Price can get pretty high.  It seems that there is a system to reward the song writer and keep more songs pumping through. Everybody can win.
That cent can really make this guy's grandchildren's lives better.

Now, I know for a fact people want to remake, remix and re-edit more than just songs. I've been to Deviatnart, Fanfiction.net, and Paheal/Rule34xxx/Booru. We want to work with movies, games, and cartoons. Sadly, it doesn't seem likely DIC entertainment will let me  take on  Dinosaucers, that Sunsoft will let me make a sequel to Valis, and I'll be able to do much with my gritty origin to Mona Lisa. Working with the companies that own this IPs is unfeasable for mere mortals, and especially for profit(which is how you'd get any damn funding to begin with. Lucasarts likes Star Wars Uncut, but there are no ads in that stuff.)

So perhaps we should institute a mechanical license for fanworks. You pay a fee, (and it doesn't even have to be pathetic like the song license one. Paying a 1000 dollars to make your own legal, sellable Star wars movie seems like a reasonable amount compared to the actual "No, DON'T" perspective most companies have.)

Now, things might be going that way. Amazon is starting to allow fanmade derivative works under some kind of deal. Eidos, home of the Tomb Raider, is also making a new deal to allow fan takes on some of it's less used Franchises.
Now THIS is what the fanbase REALLY wants.

However, this are A) under the particular control of the company that owns the IP, and B) franchises that don't exactly arouse a lot of imagination. Sure, I guess somebody really wants Gex, and Fear Effect to return, and some people probably like Valiant Comics and Pretty Little Liars. But that's not what it is.

And besides, the worry of these programs, is that, by tying the profits of the work to the owner, it incentivizes the squashing of the native for love fanworks we all love. I mean, If Disney has a racket charging every chump who wants to film himself and his goons pretending to use lightsabers, that won't make MORE Star Wars movies, but LESS, because unlicenced Star Wars fan films now ARE competition.

But if Mechanical licenses where in place, derivative but unofficial works  would flourish.

You see, I think, for example, that it would be a mighty fine thing if there was a Wonder Woman open world game, where you explore, beat bad guys, talk to people and fly in an invisible jet. And I think I´m not the only one.I think it could be great and a lot of people would buy something like that. But WB owns WOnder Woman, and they don´t agree. They don´t think that people are willing to pay money to play as the world's most popular superheroine. For them "Wonder Woman: The Game" is an unnecessary risk." Just like Wonder Woman, the movie was, for over 30 years.

But they can't let YOU do it either, under a legal doctrine that basically says they MIGHT do it, so doing it yourself kind of robs them of the chance. It's the same reason Hasbro took down MLP: Fighting is Magic. Sure, they weren't gonna do a Pony fighting game themselves anyway. But if they do, it could lead to Mane 6 suing  Hasbro for ripping THEM of.

With a mechanical license, you could do it, and both works would become recognized as being related to each other, and nobody has to sue anyone. In the term of videogames, it would probably work out best, since  the mechanics of a game are legally safe to duplicate. Capcom couldn't sue Midway for emulating their gameplay mechanics, and Blizzard can't sue  Netherrealm Studios for doing a fighting game set within the DC Universe.

You see, I would GLADLY pay 1000 dollars to make my own version of Wonder Woman, and we'd be both supporting the company that bought  the company that owns the character after pressuring congress not to let it lapse into the public domain the artists, and I get to show off on Youtube or whatever. But guess what? I can't. It's not like with piracy, where the object of your affection usually can be acquired legally.

There is no way I can go to WB and convince them that I should have the license to Wonder Woman at all, even with money. If there was a mechanical license system, we could have had more than 1 Wonder Woman movie, more than zero Wonder Woman videogames,  while WB was twiddling it's thumbs and "trying to get it right".

We could have had good, passionate developers making quality remakes and upgrades to classic games and then SELLING them. Imagine  someone taking Sonic 2, and then upgrading it with  fully remade visuals, online competitive and cooperative, gameplay new characters, new modes voice acting...and then just putting all that into XBLA and Steam and PSN.

Now, there are downsides to my idea, and I don't want to look like a wide eyed idiot, so I will be addressing them.

Technically this sort of totally undermines copyrights original  intent, to protect the initial years of a work so that a creator or owner can recoup his or her invention and not have to compete with literal xeroxed copies. Besides the fact our current CR laws already do that pretty well on it's own (If I make a book, it doesn't really hurt my book sales if someone makes a fanfiction where my books characters are all m-preg nagas.) I do have a solution.

A non competition clause can kindly request that the work is actually canibalizing an the existing work. For example, If Sega already has a Sonic 2 in PSN, and Batzarro Presents: Sonic 2 is in danger of eating into Sega's shares they can put a stop to me in that particular system. However, if Sega doesn't have Sonic 2 in PSN, it wouldn't be able to stop someone else on the grounds that it MIGHT do it. It might incentivize them to actually do it. And if they  do do it, then that gives them the right to supercede the derivative work.

This is for derivative works. You can't  just dub over Star Wars: The Phantom Menace. You have to get your own actors, and film your own movie. You have to code your own Sonic 2. You have to draw and ink your own panels. You can use the John Williams Score, if you happen to make the music yourself.

You aquire a licence to adapt from individual works, not collected works. For example, Sonic 2 gives you Sonic 2. You want to add something from Sonic 3? Pay more. You want to add something from Sonic SAM?  Pay more. You want to add Mario, too? Pay more.

Law can insist that these type of works must have a clear lable or something, that indicates that they are NOT directly related to the makers of the original. Like "Based on the works of Alan Moore". Something like that.

And finally, maybe give it 5 years from the original's creation till you can do it. Most works don't make money beyond the 5.

But of course, if we could wrap our head around that kind of research, our copyright wouldn't last over 100 years, and cover a doodle a baby just made in his own poop.


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