The Female anatomy(according to fan fics)

I just want to clear any missinformation out there: what you learned in Sex Education class (or as a course ina  more general health class) is a lie. This is how the true knowers of the female body, Fan Fiction writers, have come to the conclussion the female body works.

I'm putting it after the jump because I don't want the kids to learn this stuff.





Once you go black...you'll never take off your fur-suit again.


1) The Breasts:  Big bags full of milk that sit on the chest of a woman. Every woman, no matter her age, from your little sister to Jaime Lee Curtis can shoot red hot strings of milk at any given moment. Breasts can be infinitely big with no ill effect to the wielder.

2) The Uterus: A Flexible bag, to which the only entrance is the vagina. It can stretch to allow women to have babies or fuck dragons.

3) The Squirt Gun: Now, how did you think women shot magic lady juice all over the place?

4) The Anus: A big whole in the ass of women. Similar to a man's anus, the subtle difference is a woman's anus is  just waiting for things to enter it. As I understand it, women love it when things enter it suddenly and without any lubrication. Also, poop, does come out of there, so it's prime scat fic prime state.

5) The Vagina: A cave of mystery we are yet to fully understand. We do know it shoots lady goo and urine, but the jury is still out on honey mustard and mayonnaise. Several mystery characters, such as the G-spot and  the clitoris, can only be unlocked through it. But the important part is that's where the penis goes. Or, you know, so I heard.





The Female anatomy(according to fan fics)

I just want to clear any missinformation out there: what you learned in Sex Education class (or as a course ina  more general health class) is a lie. This is how the true knowers of the female body, Fan Fiction writers, have come to the conclussion the female body works.

I'm putting it after the jump because I don't want the kids to learn this stuff.


Scolding Reviews: Immortal


Undying haet is what I have.

Expectations are  fairly important in the entertainment business. If your set up a marketing campaign for a movie that makes it look like a  European matrix knockoff because it's 2004, sure, you'll fool a couple of people. But when they hear what it's really about or like, you'll lose them completely. Be hones. Say it's about mutants and aliens and Egyptian gods and rape.  There's an audience.

This movie...God, this movie! I mean, maybe I should have looked up something about it before hitting play.

The movie starts with a message that Eugenics is wrong, as quoted by something called the "Spirit of Nikopol". Ok. I mean, yeah, fuck Eugenics, but why not use the movie to tell it?

We then see a flying truck full of weird people being taken in a space transport, including our protagonist, a woman who let the dandruff take over. I mean, I'm not exactly healthy hair person, but damn.

Our Heroine, called Jill tries to escape, but is quickly subdued, and we see her transport  is an eugenics transport! We know because it says Eugenics outside.
Also, she's Keanu Reeves in drag.

Seriously,  where's the subtlety? The Death Star didn't have "Evil Empire" written outside it. I guess this "Eugenics" people have a total monopoly on it, huh?

And then another movie starts, as a voice narrates something about Egyptian Gods who don't want to miss out on the earth in their alotted time and that they're scared of dying.

Some ugly ass computer models of Anubis, Bast and Horus show up. The look like CG to PS2 cinematics. They talk about something in Egiptian and then Horus phases through a wall. Does this have anything to do with Eugenics? Either way, I hope this movie doesn't heavilly rely on computer models...





2 futurecopters  approach Anubis as he's almost out off his flying pyramid, but he destroys them, clearly setting him up as the villain of the movie.

So our heroine is getting her tears harvested, when she catches the eye of a Scientist woman, who is talking to...some CG dude. Why is he CGI? He's a dude with bad skin. He looks so fake, especially when he's right aside an actual human being!
Visit Uncanny Valley today!

So the Dr takes her in. Then we follow a fully covered guy as he walks into a bar full of weirdos. Uh...cue the music? There is also fully CG news with CG talking heads. It's the future, baby.

Then it becomes entirely CG, as we see a fat politician, and his sexy Asian aide talking. What's going on? Did I accidentally put True Crime on? Do we need CG to make Asians and Fat white guys?

Either way, they say they cant' trust a cop to solve a case, though the Asian woman insists that since the cop had his face chewed off by the Die-ack, all he does its track down this type of case. It seems to have nothing to do with Horus or Dandruff girl. Which means we have 4 stories now and none of them are well developed.
It's not this guy, but close!

However, stories do collide as the CG cop, whose facial repair is more ugly than what we can do TODAY, is investigating a series of strange deaths, that are nothing more than Horus possessing people and their bodies not being able to handle it. The consider it could be a Die-Ack(you'll see), but no, those are extinct. Meanwhile Bast and Anubis play Monopoly. What the fuck?
My sisters doesn't want me to do the "what's wrong with your face?" joke. But I totally would!




The Dr tries to help her remember her dark  mysterious past she can't remember, as well as find out why her organs are not where they should be. well, no duh, she's friends with Ultraman. After that she meets with the mysterious stranger from earlier, and tells her she just found out her organs aren't in the right place. The shady man scoffs and says "According to whose criteria?" Well, no duh, according to the smart lady in the white coat. She is smart.The stranger, called, John, reveals he's dying, and wants to help her before the planet does him in. This guys might be aliens or some shit.


Then a couple suspended animation tanks fall from their flying tank fortress. Cops try and investigate, but the Eugenics people arrive in their eugenics ice cream truck and start killing them. It's the perfect crime... you know, except that they did it during the daytime in their fully labeled truck.

Mommy! Buy me eugenics!
They take away most of the bodies before the cop guy gets there, and he only find a leg of another one. This last one is spirited away to some train tracks by Horus who starts creeping him out with his Nasonex Bee impersonation. Seriously, they're talking body possession, but Horus is totally making this gay. Which wouldn't be so bad if at least it was consensual. This...will become a trend later.

So Anubis fixes the guy and makes him a leg out of a piece of train track, which is...ridiculously functional. Still, who am I to question what Horus can or can't do? Horus can totally crash on this guy's body because he's not genetically manipulated. Take THAT Eugenics!

Meanwhile in videoland, the politician now has some type of clown make up, and is discovering the missing man is Nikopol, who was aparently sent to jail a bunch of years ago for not liking eugenics enough. His words are spread throughout the movie. But if you think the widespread of Eugenics and his own anti-eugenics militancy will play any part of this movie, then I'm sorry to disappoint. He's here to be bossed around by Horus into doing things.
Four more Years.

Meanwhile, Our heroine is doing her job as a guinea pig(Their term, not mine), which involves eating a bunch of weird food. I don't see how testing things on someone with abnormal physiology amounts to anything. But, whatever.

 Senator Clownface is concerned Nikopol knows too much about his father's involvement with Eugenics and his illegal experiments. Er...doesn't the Eugenics  transport say "Eugenics" outside of it?  IS there such things as illegal eugenics? He says Nikopol wasn't executed because that would have made him a martyr.  So NOW they're gonna kill him, by  sending after him a shark dude of sorts.
DJ Pimpshark in the Hooouuse!


Meanwhile, Nikopol is convinced by Horus to search our Lead Female on the weirdo bar. However, our girl is exchanging flirty banter with her Dr that will go nowhere.

Damn.

Eventually, she makes her way into the bar. Nikopol is like "she hot, yo!" and Horus is like "'Course she hot! She the chosen one!" But who says the chosen one has to adhere to our standards of beauty? Especially since later we will see what she's chosen for is reproduction. She could be an elephant seal as long as she's got her ovaries in the right place. Which I'm guessing she doesn't because she's a freak.


At any rate, Nikopol tries and fails to hit on Jill, and he also tries and fails to get her drunk.  It is then than Horus take over Nikopol completely and uses a Jedi Mind trick to convince her she is going to go with him and that they are, in fact, gonna fuck.

Now, you might try and make some kind of Whoopi Goldberg defense as to whether  using mind control to have sex with people is rape.  But once they get on the bed, it becomes all to actual, "trying to escape but being physically restrained" rape.

I don't know what one says.


After some stupid hijinx(which, I say, are great for breaking up the tension of the rape) she finds Nikopol and starts asking him what happened. He mentions they had sexual intercourse, which she asks what means.

Eventually he tries to tell her what really happened, but Horus pulls him back so she gives up and goes away.

Meanwhile Shark face has killed  a detective that was looking into Nikopol and/or Jill, and the detective(the one with the scarred face) is looking at the body in the morgue, his assistant thinks it could be a Die-ack, but our officer says it was a humanized Die-Ack, because they found red epidermis on the scene, signed "eugenics".

Whaaaaaat? NOTHING ripped his skin. He was just sitting in the car! He was just sitting in the car calmly killing a guy. And why the hell would they sign the skin of their illegal experiment?  Fuckin' EUGENICS!
The Hangover  series will be weirder...

Nikopol is debating how much he disliked the "rape" part of the rape that happened, when Horus reminds him that without him, there will be no walking, as his ridiculous metal leg can't be moved without Horus allowing it. Am I the only on who thinks he should take the heroic route and cut it off, or what?

Jill talks to Dr Lesbian about what happened, but she has a little trouble because she doesn't know what "relations" or "penis" are.

Now, pause. Horus is kind of a God, and he probably knows this girl doesn't know shit about sex. So why not just ASK her to help him procreate. Why the rape?

She gets caught on the streets by the Eugenics truck and the Shark guy, but Horus kills them all and "saves" her. You know what I'm talking about, right?

He takes her to Nikopol's hideout, erases her memories and, just to be on the safe side, rapes her again.

Again, if you just told her your an eons old god trying to have kids, you might already have this well and done.

She wakes up outside of "Intrusion Zone" a walled of zone that has been mentioned several times but never actually explained. Meanwhile, Horus, now sounding less like Antonio Banderas and more like Phil Lamarr faces the impotent rage of Nikopol, who pummels his badly rendered CG body to no effect.

The Senator, becoming increasingly desperate, release a Die-Ack, which is essentially a shark that can do anything, to hunt down Jill. Or Nikopol. I am not sure.
He can even imitate dead comedians!

Nikopol meets Jill again, as she's lying in a bathtub filled with her blue tears(!). Apparently at some point, he sort of explained to her that is wasn't HIM doing all the rape. After exchanging flirty banter like "I should have shot you the first time we met" and "is he gone, the rapist inside you?" they have sex.  It's technically consensual, but since the one guy she didn't want ended up being there all along, It's still disturbing.



As the shark approaches through the waterways, we see Kakutou Choujin-politician and his assistant discussing how  she wants him to negotiate with the pyramid. and how she works for eugenics. Wait, I though HE was with them.The shark dude wass in the Eugenics ship...and he sent the shark dude... In either case, she says that they're both pawns, but she's a superior pawn, in a clear misunderstanding of how pawns actually work.

After some more disturbing talk about rape and sex, John crashes through the window on his future-car, and takes Nikopol away from the Super-Shark.  All points start converging as Dr Lesbian and Detective Stupid-face also arrive on the scene  and join a bloated final chase sequence that lands Jill, John and Nikopol right in the middle of Intrusion.

The senator is sucked into the pyramid and promptly also dropped into intrusion like a bag of badly rendered potatoes while John Offers Jill a Red Pill that will finally make her human. It is implied this will also make her forget everything. He dies a Star Wars death. The Super Shark appears, and is defeated in a tension-less battle by Horus.
It's the most...Extreme!
All points resolved, Horus says goodbye to Nikopol by telling him there "would always be a little bit of me inside of you" and by telling Jill he "Will never be farr from you...ever agen!" while going for a touch. How creepy can one guy get?

So Jill forgets everything and Nikopol goes on to take another year in frozen jail. After that, Nikopol apparently became a published author, which I guess is an achievement while being frozen. He asks Dr Lesbian about Jill. Eventually they meet, he get's to know their freaky spawn that can control small blue eagle, and she's conveniently forgotten all about the rape. And everyone lives happily ever after.


You may have noticed this is  a longer review than usual. See, when I first saw this, all the mish-mash of plot elements, scifi and magic, trade between Shitty CGI people and live action was too much for me. I had to rewatch again as I typed because no way I  was gonna piece it all together.

And maybe this movie has a message or central idea of some sort. Maybe I can't see it through the pretentious dialogue and weird ass bullshit. Maybe Nikopol learned that Eugenics aren't so bad when Egyptian idols force it. Maybe Jill learned to Forget about it. I can't find any of that.

My theory for the CGI is that they tried to describe that in this movie, A god forced a man to rape a woman twice, and no one was onboard, so they grabbed a couple of fellow pretentious friends and shot everyone else in CGI.

There's very little actions, the characters aren't likeable and while there are some nice effects, it's always undermined by the CG humans or the poor editig of the thing. So, don't be a fool, like me. You do NOT need to see this.

Scolding Reviews: Immortal


Undying haet is what I have.

Expectations are  fairly important in the entertainment business. If your set up a marketing campaign for a movie that makes it look like a  European matrix knockoff because it's 2004, sure, you'll fool a couple of people. But when they hear what it's really about or like, you'll lose them completely. Be hones. Say it's about mutants and aliens and Egyptian gods and rape.  There's an audience.

This movie...God, this movie! I mean, maybe I should have looked up something about it before hitting play.

The movie starts with a message that Eugenics is wrong, as quoted by something called the "Spirit of Nikopol". Ok. I mean, yeah, fuck Eugenics, but why not use the movie to tell it?

We then see a flying truck full of weird people being taken in a space transport, including our protagonist, a woman who let the dandruff take over. I mean, I'm not exactly healthy hair person, but damn.

Our Heroine, called Jill tries to escape, but is quickly subdued, and we see her transport  is an eugenics transport! We know because it says Eugenics outside.
Also, she's Keanu Reeves in drag.

Seriously,  where's the subtlety? The Death Star didn't have "Evil Empire" written outside it. I guess this "Eugenics" people have a total monopoly on it, huh?

And then another movie starts, as a voice narrates something about Egyptian Gods who don't want to miss out on the earth in their alotted time and that they're scared of dying.

Some ugly ass computer models of Anubis, Bast and Horus show up. The look like CG to PS2 cinematics. They talk about something in Egiptian and then Horus phases through a wall. Does this have anything to do with Eugenics? Either way, I hope this movie doesn't heavilly rely on computer models...




2 futurecopters  approach Anubis as he's almost out off his flying pyramid, but he destroys them, clearly setting him up as the villain of the movie.

So our heroine is getting her tears harvested, when she catches the eye of a Scientist woman, who is talking to...some CG dude. Why is he CGI? He's a dude with bad skin. He looks so fake, especially when he's right aside an actual human being!
Visit Uncanny Valley today!

So the Dr takes her in. Then we follow a fully covered guy as he walks into a bar full of weirdos. Uh...cue the music? There is also fully CG news with CG talking heads. It's the future, baby.

Then it becomes entirely CG, as we see a fat politician, and his sexy Asian aide talking. What's going on? Did I accidentally put True Crime on? Do we need CG to make Asians and Fat white guys?

Either way, they say they cant' trust a cop to solve a case, though the Asian woman insists that since the cop had his face chewed off by the Die-ack, all he does its track down this type of case. It seems to have nothing to do with Horus or Dandruff girl. Which means we have 4 stories now and none of them are well developed.
It's not this guy, but close!

However, stories do collide as the CG cop, whose facial repair is more ugly than what we can do TODAY, is investigating a series of strange deaths, that are nothing more than Horus possessing people and their bodies not being able to handle it. The consider it could be a Die-Ack(you'll see), but no, those are extinct. Meanwhile Bast and Anubis play Monopoly. What the fuck?
My sisters doesn't want me to do the "what's wrong with your face?" joke. But I totally would!


Rest in Peace, Amy Winehouse

Rest assured, she's in heaven, learning how to  Dougie...

Rest in Peace, Amy Winehouse

Rest assured, she's in heaven, learning how to  Dougie...

Further discussin Ultimate Marvel vs Capcom 3

The Pringles is strong with this one.
In a way, what I said is true: no more than ever there is very little for me to write about Ultimate MVC. Especially now that you know which characters are in. I mean, I could guess DLC characters or costumes. However, I want to talk about the 12 new characters and what I think of their inclusion as well as other announced features.


Hawkeye
I've never liked Hawkeye. His costume is sucky and he's just like Green Arrow. I never liked Green Arrow.
I did like his Hyper where he shoots out Antman. Batzarro ain't ever seen something like that before.


Firebrand
I fully expected would turn up in the first full game. Did they really plan Firebrand as DLC?  He's interesting, but not really "take my money" interesting.




Rocket Racoon:
I have heard lots of good things about Rocket Racoon. Never read his adventures myself. But in game, it seems to me he's another gun guy in a game full of gun guys, albeit in shorter, cuter form. Again, not familiar, and not hating. I'm just not keen on more gun guys.


Nemesis: It's good that Capcom it's filling it's side of the villain Quota. Personally I would have gone with someone like Bison or Sigma, but Nemesis is a good choice, too.


Dr Strange: Yesh!  Dr Strange is an excellent choice with lot's of move potential and he's also an Icon of the Marvel universe. Good to see him here.

Vergil: Now, I poked a bit of fun at Vergil, but he does have a lot of moves that aren't like Dante's. I don't care much about DMC, but he could be good.

Ironfist: It makes sense. One of Marvel's finest fighters. In a Fighting game. Plus, validation.

Frank West: This one's a bit obvious. I mean, they clearly meant for him to be in regular olf MVC3.

Nova: I grew up with Nova's adventures. I was saddened when we found him on four blocks and with all the parts stolen.

Wait, not that Nova?


Phoenix Wright: My favorite new choice.  I will main him every day.

It's not all new fighters, though. There will aparently be new palettes and new costumes to play as. Aparently every character will have 2 new costumes and or palettes. I'm not quite sure if these are all included in the game, but at least certain costumes such as Casual Morrigan and Elvis Modok are paid for.  Still no U.S. Agent.

Also, aparently more story stuff and endings will be available. This is good. Us 1 player fighting game sociopaths need love too.

And spectator mode is back! What the heck was the game like without it?

In short, I'm glad I was not able to buy the first game game, because until the arcade edition arrives, this will be the definitive Marvel vs Capcom 3.
"Godlike"

Further discussin Ultimate Marvel vs Capcom 3

The Pringles is strong with this one.
In a way, what I said is true: no more than ever there is very little for me to write about Ultimate MVC. Especially now that you know which characters are in. I mean, I could guess DLC characters or costumes. However, I want to talk about the 12 new characters and what I think of their inclusion as well as other announced features.


Hawkeye
I've never liked Hawkeye. His costume is sucky and he's just like Green Arrow. I never liked Green Arrow.
I did like his Hyper where he shoots out Antman. Batzarro ain't ever seen something like that before.


Firebrand
I fully expected would turn up in the first full game. Did they really plan Firebrand as DLC?  He's interesting, but not really "take my money" interesting.

Don't you owe the Cranberies some money?

Yes, before Reguetton took off into uninventive rehashings of the same rhythms and ideas, It was UNDERGROUND uninventive rehashings of the same rhythms and ideas. Concepts like copyright could not deter budding up and comers like Speedy to outright riff the melody from, say, 90s classic Zombie, repurpose the lyrics into generic "let's dance and later fuck" tripe that chokes the genre up to this day, AND CASH IN. Back then you didn't need no stinkin' license to make  a "Cover" that actively ignored the subject of the original.

Don't you owe the Cranberies some money?

Yes, before Reguetton took off into uninventive rehashings of the same rhythms and ideas, It was UNDERGROUND uninventive rehashings of the same rhythms and ideas. Concepts like copyright could not deter budding up and comers like Speedy to outright riff the melody from, say, 90s classic Zombie, repurpose the lyrics into generic "let's dance and later fuck" tripe that chokes the genre up to this day, AND CASH IN. Back then you didn't need no stinkin' license to make  a "Cover" that actively ignored the subject of the original.

The day the prayers ended

Come on! What about THIS KING?

It happened last week. It was an otherwise completely normal morning, except for one exceptional detail: All religion ceased to exist in every part of the planet.

And it was as beautiful as you'd imagine: The birds where singing(except for those birds that whern't.) the sun was shining(except those places on the other side of the planet) and life carried on(except where it wasn't able to).

No longer did Crescent Moons, Crosses, or Pentagons represent any belief at all. No one said "Oh my God" anymore, as no one knew what that meant, but they yelled "Oh my Gosh"! which they didn't really know what meant either.

 And the preachers, the pastors, the orishas...they where gone! No one was going to mislead people into any religious ideology.

It was Sunday, I think. Feeling this brave new world, I turned on the news. It seems the religious conflict between Muslims and Jews in Palestine was over. It apparently was now a straightforward "We want all the good land, you take the shit land" conflict. No longer driven by any sense that the divine was leading them to claim land for themselves, they banked on years of respective recrimination and ethno-social differences to continue their endless struggle for the most resources. But at least is wasn't a religious battle anymore.

I put on the channel where my favorite televangelist used to be on, only to find Jenny McCarthy in a big podium, yelling about how vaccines caused every disease under the sun. The crowd watched intently as McCarthy yelled and condemned and welcomed and scorned. She was clearly a very charismatic woman, despite having the IQ and the medical knowledge of  a Playboy Model. Good to see her using it on things that aren't Religious. She clearly had a following.
She Blinded me with (pseudo)science!



When I changed it, I beheld a well dressed man who was telling a crowd that America had destroyed it's own economy in a devastating attack on itself to start war on several middle eastern countries. He had a pretty big following, too. Which is pretty amazing, for a guy whose theories are that things that aren't supposed to happen happening means the U.S. government is involved somehow.

But oh, the sciences! Without religion around anymore, nobody was able to stop wondrous scientific achievements. I mean, aside from petty bickering between scientists. And lack of funding. And competition. And...you know, the stuff that stops science today. That isn't religion.

And people loved, yet they also still hated. And people cried, yet where also known to laugh. And people where people, and corporations where people, too. Aren't human rights wonderful with religion out of the picture?

And I realized this new world was much different than mine. The names where different.  The Statue of Liberty was no longer based on "Libertas". And everyone acknowledged how awesome the Ancient Greeks where for being gay, and not just for subjugating most of the known world to a xenophobic regime in which only Greek Men had rights. I mean, gayness makes imperialism and slavery ok.
Aww, I can't stay mad at you for subjugating us, you saucy Greek Queen, you!

I get the appeal of a world like this, where changing one detail makes everything better, regardless of where everything came from. I used to have that, but of religion. I guess that's over now. I guess I can want anything to make the world better. Marijuana? Karate? Breast Augmentations? Dinosaucers? Hey, and even if claiming the world will be better if everyone watches Dinosaucers is pretty much ridiculously optimistic at best an outright fabrication at worst, at least I'll get more people to watch Dinosaucers with me. More people doing what I do and believing what I believe is good. For me.

It was a bold new world, so I wondered what I should do now for a while. Then I figured it out.

I'll do what I planned to do from yesterday.

The day the prayers ended

Come on! What about THIS KING?

It happened last week. It was an otherwise completely normal morning, except for one exceptional detail: All religion ceased to exist in every part of the planet.

And it was as beautiful as you'd imagine: The birds where singing(except for those birds that whern't.) the sun was shining(except those places on the other side of the planet) and life carried on(except where it wasn't able to).

No longer did Crescent Moons, Crosses, or Pentagons represent any belief at all. No one said "Oh my God" anymore, as no one knew what that meant, but they yelled "Oh my Gosh"! which they didn't really know what meant either.

 And the preachers, the pastors, the orishas...they where gone! No one was going to mislead people into any religious ideology.

It was Sunday, I think. Feeling this brave new world, I turned on the news. It seems the religious conflict between Muslims and Jews in Palestine was over. It apparently was now a straightforward "We want all the good land, you take the shit land" conflict. No longer driven by any sense that the divine was leading them to claim land for themselves, they banked on years of respective recrimination and ethno-social differences to continue their endless struggle for the most resources. But at least is wasn't a religious battle anymore.

I put on the channel where my favorite televangelist used to be on, only to find Jenny McCarthy in a big podium, yelling about how vaccines caused every disease under the sun. The crowd watched intently as McCarthy yelled and condemned and welcomed and scorned. She was clearly a very charismatic woman, despite having the IQ and the medical knowledge of  a Playboy Model. Good to see her using it on things that aren't Religious. She clearly had a following.
She Blinded me with (pseudo)science!

Dear Neil Blomkamp...

Thanks for stealing my idea, jerk...

Dear Neil Blomkamp...

Thanks for stealing my idea, jerk...

Scolding Review- Wolverine and the X-Men



I turned it off.

I have not seen an X-Men cartoon since the 90s one ended. As much as I like the X-Men, none of these series felt like stuff I needed to watch Evolution looked a little to young and hip, even though I was young and hip when it was on. Last week, I decided to give Wolverine and the X-Men a chance.

I turned it off.

I felt weird about this show. I've never been a big Wolvie fan. I mean, I get why people like him. I just don't naturally gravitate toward characters like that. And I knew his increasing dominance in X-Men lore wasn't just here, on the title of this cartoon. Still, can't hurt to try it.

I turned it off.

Something about Sentinels got foreshadowed. It won't be important. A scene took place on the Xavier institute.  Wolverine is leaving. An uneasy feeling took over me. Why is this completely in character action so important?

I turned it off.

Everyone's fawning over Wolverine. Jean Grey, blows a kiss to him, in front of Cyclops, her boyfriend. So it's not even subtext anywhere?

I turned it off.

Blood was pumping in my veins. Was this anger? Should I have expected something else from a title that sounds like a Wolverine  rock band? He approached Rogue.

I turned it off.
 I turned it off.
Rogue is very sad that Wolverine is leaving.

I turned it off.
I turned it off.

I turned it off.
Rogue tells Wolverine something to the effect that the X-Men are not the X-Men without Wolverine. Thoughts. Blind Anger. No. Fury. Is this? What else? DO I want to..?

And then I turned it off.

I knew this cartoon was gonna suck Wolverine's Mutant peen, much like you knew I was gonna say at some point I turned off the cartoon. But to already start the cartoon with people acting like Wolverine is godsent what's he gonna grow into?

Fuck this cartoon and it's abnormal character development and Wolverine  idolatry. Fuck it! If they can't be bothered to at least show why I should care about Wolverine, then I guess I won't bother with watching the rest of this.

Scolding Review- Wolverine and the X-Men



I turned it off.

I have not seen an X-Men cartoon since the 90s one ended. As much as I like the X-Men, none of these series felt like stuff I needed to watch Evolution looked a little to young and hip, even though I was young and hip when it was on. Last week, I decided to give Wolverine and the X-Men a chance.

I turned it off.

I felt weird about this show. I've never been a big Wolvie fan. I mean, I get why people like him. I just don't naturally gravitate toward characters like that. And I knew his increasing dominance in X-Men lore wasn't just here, on the title of this cartoon. Still, can't hurt to try it.

I turned it off.

Something about Sentinels got foreshadowed. It won't be important. A scene took place on the Xavier institute.  Wolverine is leaving. An uneasy feeling took over me. Why is this completely in character action so important?

I turned it off.

Everyone's fawning over Wolverine. Jean Grey, blows a kiss to him, in front of Cyclops, her boyfriend. So it's not even subtext anywhere?

I turned it off.

Blood was pumping in my veins. Was this anger? Should I have expected something else from a title that sounds like a Wolverine  rock band? He approached Rogue.

I turned it off.
 I turned it off.
Rogue is very sad that Wolverine is leaving.

I turned it off.
I turned it off.

I turned it off.
Rogue tells Wolverine something to the effect that the X-Men are not the X-Men without Wolverine. Thoughts. Blind Anger. No. Fury. Is this? What else? DO I want to..?

And then I turned it off.

I knew this cartoon was gonna suck Wolverine's Mutant peen, much like you knew I was gonna say at some point I turned off the cartoon. But to already start the cartoon with people acting like Wolverine is godsent what's he gonna grow into?

Fuck this cartoon and it's abnormal character development and Wolverine  idolatry. Fuck it! If they can't be bothered to at least show why I should care about Wolverine, then I guess I won't bother with watching the rest of this.

Capcom Makes UMVC3, MVC exhaustion official

Not particularly close.

Look, Capcom, I can't be mad at you for announcing a newer, better Marvel vs Capcom 5 months after the original was launched. For one, we know the story of the scorpion and the frog. If someone thought the creators of Super Street Fighter 2 Turbo: HD Remix to be beyond remaking  the latest game, they don't know their history. For another one, I never bought Vanilla MVC3 because I'm poor.

However, I can't get on the hype train anymore.  I've done it all. I made movements. I told L.I.E.S.(And more and more L.I.E.S). I freaking outed a character before he came out. THERE ISN'T ANYMORE LEFT TO GIVE, CAPCOM.

So you announced Ghost Rider(who was previously declared too punchy) Strider(Who was previously said not to work in game) Firebrand(a former background character) and Hawkeye. And there's still 8 characters to guess. No flights of fancy and no pictures this time, the other 8 characters are probably Cable(for pissing me off) Dr Octopus(Info in disk),  Frank West(same as last), Ken(because people are stupid), Spider-Woman(because Marvel likes) Virgil(Fans are stupid) Iceman, and Megaman Dan. Tiffany Lords isn't in, Lin Kurosawa isn't in, none of the characters I want are in.

I'm not trying to be a drag, I expect the game to be good. But I can't muster up more imagination. It's all been washed away by the cynism of real life...what? Leaked Roster, you say? Wright is in? Dr Strange?

I might just start hyping again.

Capcom Makes UMVC3, MVC exhaustion official

Not particularly close.

Look, Capcom, I can't be mad at you for announcing a newer, better Marvel vs Capcom 5 months after the original was launched. For one, we know the story of the scorpion and the frog. If someone thought the creators of Super Street Fighter 2 Turbo: HD Remix to be beyond remaking  the latest game, they don't know their history. For another one, I never bought Vanilla MVC3 because I'm poor.

However, I can't get on the hype train anymore.  I've done it all. I made movements. I told L.I.E.S.(And more and more L.I.E.S). I freaking outed a character before he came out. THERE ISN'T ANYMORE LEFT TO GIVE, CAPCOM.

So you announced Ghost Rider(who was previously declared too punchy) Strider(Who was previously said not to work in game) Firebrand(a former background character) and Hawkeye. And there's still 8 characters to guess. No flights of fancy and no pictures this time, the other 8 characters are probably Cable(for pissing me off) Dr Octopus(Info in disk),  Frank West(same as last), Ken(because people are stupid), Spider-Woman(because Marvel likes) Virgil(Fans are stupid) Iceman, and Megaman Dan. Tiffany Lords isn't in, Lin Kurosawa isn't in, none of the characters I want are in.

I'm not trying to be a drag, I expect the game to be good. But I can't muster up more imagination. It's all been washed away by the cynism of real life...what? Leaked Roster, you say? Wright is in? Dr Strange?

I might just start hyping again.

Why Wonder Woman can be good and you can like her for it (part 3) Casting

It never gets old.


I think casting is a highly important part of a movie. A lot of it isn't even just who you pick, but how they fit with the director, other actors, and material. I guess what I'm saying is, even though I'm about to say who I think would be great in the roles the movie would offer, I'm not saying this is definitive or anything.

So here I go casting WOnder Woman.

Wonder Woman
How the fuck does the Smallville suit look better than the one in the pilot?

Not anyone can just play the character, despite the fact everyone wants to play her. However, there are at least 3 categories I think would make for a Good Wonder Woman.

1) A charismatic actress:
You're gonna need a character to tell the audience with a straight face about her magic Lasso and her purple healing ray. Not every model can do that. In fact, if there was one trend in Superhero movies this year, it's deadpan acting from under performing models hired as love interests. Don't put in Megan Fox just because you'd tap that. I would do Halle Berry, but no way in hell would I watch Catwoman in full.

2)An athletic young body:On the other end of the spectrum, I'm not advocating to put Judy Dench on the suit either. This is an action driven adventure story after all.However, I don't think shee needs to be as particularly endowed as any of the comics versions. Not that that's even possible.

3) Convincingly kickass: Not every girl you put on black leather feels like she can kick ass. She needs to be convincing when putting her frown on.

So who's got it?

Noomi practices her rapeface.
 Noomi Rapace: For one, she's already made a name for herself playing a tough woman in the Millenium series. Sure, looking at her doesn't give you a vibe she's the most beautiful woman ever, and I haven't  looked at her body too much. But since she's go the acting and she's got the toughness, that's  2 out of 3.

Let them roam free!
I'm not fully convinced Hendricks can play  a hammy character like a centuries old Amazon, but ...well, we already discussed it.
Wait, are you  asking me to photoshop you?
Kate Beckinsale already carried an action franchise pretty much all by herself. While the movies themselves are not exactly Oscar material, Kate Beckinsale does pretty well at the role.


Stever Trevor:
Mhay THEEF AR STUCK!



Again, Trevor is  an important character for the audience: He's the one who has to ask questions like: "What is Themiscyra"? "How could an Island like this stay hidden?" or "What do you mean, "slaves?" I recommend:

Michael Angarano
Is he looking at amazons?

He played a pretty convincing Shia Lebouf 5 years ago. I'm sure he could do it again.

Hypolita:

You know, our lead's mom is an important character too. I would go with...
Sigourney Weaver. Sure, this would put the "Eternal youth" part of the story in doubt. But With Sigourney Weaver in there, who cares! Make her young like that creepy scene at the end of Wolverine.

He is the GOD OF WOR!

Ares: Like I said, I prefer the Onslaught look for Ares(Uh, which HE rocked first). I prefer if you're gonna have an evil God, you might as well make him ethereal, rather than a dude. That said, I have to say, my choice would be...

Malcolm McDowell. Now, I don't know this guy from a Clockwork Orange like most of you. I know him from playing Metallo in Superman: The Animated Series. And it was just badass delivery of every line. As a voice for an antagonizing  God behind a helmet, he's just nail it.

Cheetah: As a potential villainess, Cheetah was already high on my list. If I had to cast her, though, it'd  go with Amy Smart for the Priscilla Rich version.
Smart move.

Etta Candy:
Doesn't seem like a "Woo Woo situation to me".


Etta Candy is tricky, because comic relief is usefull, but you don't want it to be too much, or too ridiculous. What we need is to make Etta Candy a character whose's humor isn't rooted on the fact that she's fat, but embolstered by this fact.  Make her, say, a fat woman who is ridiculously confident and just gets into trouble for it, despite her good intentions. Then you can have an ending in which her overconfidence actually pays off. As for the whom...


America Ferrera: Sure, she's not actually fat. Just Hispanic. You know, we're naturally shorter and stockier than anglo-whites most of the times. However, I trust America to do well with the role.

Join Me next time, as I try to put  together a list of do's and don'ts.

Follow by Email

There was an error in this gadget

What are you guys watching?