Once a great songwriter from my country said "Children make terrible singers". Or something to that effect.
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| And then the boy wizard got to him. |
But don't tell that to the makers of Kidz Bop, a series of music CDs of covers of Top 40s music as sung by children and teenagers. Since October, 2001(I'm not gonna say anything if you don't say anything...) the Kidz troupe of what I guess is an everchanging cast of preteens have been singing the songs you're already tired of hearing in the radio in Biannual albums .
It goes without saying that not every song that hits the top 40 is appropriate for all ages. Invariably you're gonna end with a mix of songs with different ranges in mind. It was only natural that Kidz Bop was gonna run into this problem.But which are the least kid-like? How did they deal with it? I looked at the track list of every main Kidz Bop release looking for the truth. And I found it.
The Song
Headstrong, by Trapt.
What do you mean it's not for kids?
It's a confrontational song.It might not specify it, but it's about potentially starting a fight with somebody. If you think that's ambiguous find a random stranger and tell him "Back off: I'll take you on! I'm head strong to take on anyone!" and see if they think you meanto take them on in a fucking boat race. Also, the lyrics include such child friendly material as "I see you're full of shit!" and "FUUUUUUCK!"
How did Kidz Bop deal with it ?
First off, by cheating. They clearly got someone a little older to sing the verses AND choir, and only use kids as choir backup. This is
the only version on the YT, which even the kids that uploaded seem to dread and only use when the real one wasn't available.
Secondarily, they just use that censor thing where distracted moms listening for swear words only hear " I stick my _ into your _". It's still a song about starting a fight with jerks, though. But I guess it's about fighting jerks near an elementary school now.
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| What stwength! But don't fowget dew aw many guys like yoo all ova da wald! |
The Song
Rihanna's Umbrella (also, every single human being has done a cover.)
What do you mean it's not for kids?
The song is clearly not about umbrellas. That's just a metaphor for sexual dependency and security. If you want to claim it's about sentient parasols, then why does the song continually go "Come into me! ! People don't go
into umbrellas. Unless you count Albert Wesker and Tom the Cat as people, and civil rights ain't advanced that far.
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| He's turned on! |
How did Kidz Bop deal with it ?
Well, they didn't.
All of the innuendo is here, even the part about the hand being hard. I guess innuendo is cool, because kids are stupid. It's okay, you morons! It's about Uno! In the rain!
They did fade out before the part where Rihanna continually asks someone to come into her. But that's not censorship, that's bad DJing.
The Song
Axel F-Crazy Frog
What do you mean it's not for kids?
I realize that there might be kids that where born in 2005, and might be unaware of what Crazy Frog is. And due to my use of images to drive up traffic, they might have gotten here looking FOR Kidz Bops. For those of you, sit by the virtual campfire, and hear my tale.
Way before you where born, there was a movie called Beverly Hills Cop. It starred Eddie Murphy. Back then your parents made out in his movies instead of divorcing in them.
Then in 2005 a fad was jump started called Crazy Frog, which involved voice altered "frog" trying to reproduce the sounds of motorcars. I do not know the full history. I...dread it. All I know is it began with a "cover" of the catchy theme from that movie, and that more than one album was produced.It was one of those inescapable things.
I advocate that the whole trend was awful, and should not have been thrust on anyone. But to do a cover of mouthfarts is just offensive. Some kids would have liked crazy Frog. Why would they need a KIDS VERSION!?
How did Kidz Bop deal with it ?
By getting the lyrics wrong. Why look at the
lyrics to "Axel F" ...and despair.
And now look at...are you with someone? You don't have any depression problems or anything like that? Because the only version I found is on a showcase of
Original Sonic characters which is both terror inducing, and terrifyingly fitting. So if you're under suicide watch or something, take my word for it.
The important part is that they didn't even do it right. That they somehow SCREWED UP CRAZY FROG. How can one not get the proper amount of Rings, Brems, Dums and Baas wrong. No , don't look at me, you're the ones who wanted kids to sing along to Crazy Frog!
The Song
Livin' la Vida Loca-Ricky Martin
What do you mean it's not for kids?
Okay, let's get this out of the way: Ricky Martin is a brave man for pretending to be straight when it was economically convenient and utilizing his gayness to sell books and concerts and get you grings talking about him again. The fact that he was wearing a Team Rocket brand ladies' man costume during this part of his career is not inherently inappropriate. I mean, come on, dudes, what do you think "loca" means to Puerto Ricans?
However, I fail to see how you Yankees continually use this song on things for kids. This song is about some kind of sex-crazed she-thing that drugs and seduces Ricky Martin. It's about fucking some crazy ass seductress. "Upside-Inside out". You know. Of her cooch. And while I wouldn't mind a having a shot at some crazy ass, super Brazilian superwoman...he's more likely referring to the woman who turned him Gay in the first place, Mexican Rockstress Alejandra Guzman, who had a shot at a far too young Martin. Kid's singing groups are fun!
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| No fair to use this photo, I know. She was younger when she ate his scrotum. |
How did Kidz Bop deal with it ?
Well, "the bullet through the brain bit" is gone. So, you know, she slipped you a sleeping pill and date raped you and stole your money, but no gun metaphors! Kid's might start to metaphorically shoot each other or something.
The Song
If I were a Boy-Beyonce
What do you mean it's not for kids?
It's a song about the gender inequalities a millionaire, Grammy award winner actress has to suffered at the hands of men. Like Guys being able to lie and cheat and no one ever judges them, no. But a woman has one little beer with a man, and she's getting Sorayaemmed up in this bitch!
But seriously, kids, learn this broad typifications of 1940s gender relations because otherwise, Beyonce and her
feminist husband, Jay Z can't get a Cadillac made out of Albino elephants.
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| If she were a boy, what group would she have ditched? Boyz to Men? |
How did Kidz Bop deal with it ?
By cutting that entire part of the song. You know, the one about cheating and about drinking and stuff. Now its' a song about being able to wear unironed shirts without our peers mocking us and being able to hang out with however we wanted and not be confronted for it. Wait, you're kids, who the fuck are you planning to hang out with, a drug dealer? We're your parents, we say who you can or can't hang out with!
The Song
California Gurls-Katy Perry
What do you mean it's not for kids?
Look, I know all about regional pride in your women. With admition that I don't know if Katy is from California or whatever. I don't think I should ask too many questions.
But to have girls singing about bikini tops and being sexy and that whole "melt your Popsicle" business. She ain't singing about no goddamn ice-cream! I don't know if I can explain how kids singing that is creepy. But it is. Or it would be.
How did Kidz Bop deal with it ?
Well, they try to subdue the more racy elements of the song, like changing "gin and juice" to sippin' on my juice" and now the boys break their necks "trying to act a little crazy".
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| Insanity! |
Physical descriptions of girl's clothing in the choir are now
'Fine, fresh, fierce, we got it on lock", Which I guess was thought up by a think-tank of an 80s rapper, a hairdresser, and an ironic hipster.
However, their "sun-kissed beach" will still "melt my popsicle". I don't care that you switched the scenario to one where Ice-cream doesn't melt unless it's hot outside and only California has the proper conditions for that to happen. It's still a metaphor for ejaculation. Now it's just geophilia. Stop it! Why does this song make less sense without Snoop Dog!? CURSE YOU, KIDZ BOOOOOOOP!
