Horrendous Theory: Gerti Giggles is Dead



"...shall disavow any knoweledge of your existance. Now...did you brush your teeth?"


The Spy Kids franchise returned last year(to the delight of very few, apparently) after quite long time dormant. So much so, the titular secret agent children from the first 3 movies are all grown up and cameoing in the film.

In fact, if I recall, this franchise was quite big on cameos. My first one was the 3rd, and I was pretty confused as to why Steve Buschemi arrived on a flying pig near the end. But aparently they just dragged every single character from two movies.
Do you think he had a hilarious death offscreen?

The new one, thought, reduces the cameoing. After all, in the film's story, many years have passed, and the O.S.S. shut down the Spy Kids division. And you gotta wonder: why would an intelligence division shut down a department that saved the whole world thrice?

I mean, even with the plot about a bad guy time traveling and making himself the boss of an agency, he'd still have to answer to higher ups. What happened? Escalating budgets? The truth about Machete got out? No I think the truth is much darker and deadlier.



I believe there was a crisis. The truth about the Spy Kids agency got out. I mean, this are children being trained as soldiers and given potentially deadly assignments. Even in the decade where words like "rendition", "torture" and "unilateral" where the daily breath of news outlets around the world, I think "Child Soldiers" would litterally top all of those.

I believe Gerti Giggles is dead.



Gerti Giggles was an agent of the Spy Kids program, notable for her unusual laughter. Along with her brother, they where sort of rivals for the kids in the second movie, till they found out that their father was a criminal and a traitor. They helped turn him in.

In the third movie, they showed up for the climax fight against Sylverster Stallone riding a giant monkey mech(do not check your mouth for drugs: you just read that).



It'd be easy to assume Gerti outgrew the program and maybe moved on to become a mercenary or to another intelligence agency. But here's the thing: In the new movie she's nowhere to be found. And you know, Machete still works there(of course he fucking does). Juni continued to work there. The other kid actually chose to leave. Where could essentially half of all actual shown agents of the program have gone?




What's worse is that I don't think Gerti Giggles died because her father put a hit on her or because she was intercepted in North Korea and tortured to death. I think it was an accident. I mean, her flight method involved spinning her pigtails to somehow achieve propulsion. That probably involved some powerfull, unseen mechanism inside the hair of a little girl. It could have burst in flames, or torn her scalp clean off in midflight. It could have caused an infection.

This creates an alternate reality where the Cyber Bully movie didn't happen.

Her body is found, and all hell breaks loose. The secret is out, and it brings on the O.S.S. child labor accusations, human rights violation accusations, and some even want war crimes charges on the O.S.S. president. In a hurry, the whole program is shut down, and everything is swept neatly under the rug. The damage is done, and some people lose their job over it, but they don't have any evidence that is usable in court. What is, is covered under the Patriot Act. George Clooney gets another term as Commander in Chief.



But it's just a theory, though.

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