An Abdomination before The Lord

No longer known as "Most Unlean"

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 They say the best media taps in the fears of the days it was made.

We want YOU, to join the Foot Clan!

DJ Krang in the HOUUUUUUUSE!
Look, Shredder, I know sometimes we use the term ripped to describe someone muscly, , but there's something  unhealty about your arm there.

"I'm sorry that you...seem to be confused..."

Leo is in no humor for this shit today.

Needs more anime speedlines.

I don't know about you, but "having my show interrupted" was a serious concern growing up.


Racism! Movie! Casting! Hollywood! Social Issues! Click!

So...ahem...I'll start. Disney is now in a full on live action frenzy! After the apparent success of Malifecent, Cinderella, The Jungle Book and Pete's Dragon,  they've started announcing thinmgs left and right to be rehashed but with actors. Lion King( action?) Tinkerbell, Aladdin and even Mulan.

Which makes a bit of sense. China's a pretty big market right now and  Mulan is a known brand they can sell you. Mulan  is about as safe a bet as you can have.

And then you gone and done ruin it.

Rumor had it that Disney ordered an original spec script in which Mulan now teams up with a handsome white guy sailor on her way to defeat the Huns!  Which uh...sounds bad.

So a lot of people took to the webs in protest, hashtagging that shit until Disnerr swore that the cast to Mulan would be all Asian, which, as I recall, was not exactly the case in Mulan Prime, but it was a different time.

So, is Disney racist to want a little White meat with it's lo mein? Am I for saying that?

No, you see, Disney isn't a person, it's a business, no matter what Citizens United says.The only color they see is green. Is this a defense? No. Fuck Disney.

You see,  Disney working under the type of racially charged  assumption that, to put it some way, "ain't nobody gonna want to see a movie with Chinamans alone"  comes from a place worst than hate. It's cowardice. They aren't racists. They are riskcists.

You the this whole thing with the remakes and reboots and adaptations, it got it's start because studios wanted a sure thing.  During the late 90's and early 2000s they started to notice that utter garbage would make money if it had a brand name attached to it, because the economy was good, and you could afford to check out that adaptation of The Phantom on the odd chance they didn't bungle it this time. And sure, usually only when first released and not on home video, but apparently  nobody knows how profit works.
Thud Life.

Of course, this was in comparison to movies that wern't a brand name, which back then there used to be some of, but surely if Powder flopped and Jumanji didn't, then the movie's  inherent qualities and proper marketing and differing levels of Robin Williams had nothing to do with that.

Which leads to this: an era where every movie is a safe movie because every movie is based on something. Every movie is a huge tentpole, which is the only thing you lot will see. Summer movies are released yearwide,and everyone and they mama wants a cinematic universe.

Which means, of course, that a lot of those flop, because  people's ability to see movies is still limited by things like money or time, and even  with nostalgia factoring in, at some point it comes down to " movie or food". I mean I can't see 3 Avengers movies an 2 Star Wars Movies a year. Some people can't, I can't.

So again, if safe is what you want, a live action remake of a  90's Disney movie with overseas appeal and with girl appeal(A Disney Princess!) and boy appeal(huge battles and funny dragon!) is about as safe as you can get  without  crossing over Star Wars and Marvel.

BUT NOOOO! No, it wasn't safe enough! Clearly  you won't make enough moneh with just  THAT. we have to put a White guy in there, because otherwise, everyone will stay away from this story in droves.

And you know what really angers me? That it doesn't funking work. I mean, I'm hardly gonna say movies like Street Fighter: The Legend of Chunli, Dragonball Evolution, The Last Airbender and King of Fighters were gonna be great otherwise, but clearly  that helped nothing. Those movies should have been safe bets. Based on largely beloved franchises wit huge fanbases (and King of Fighters!)  with huge tentpole potential. Instead they fucked it up.

I watched  The Forbidden Kingdom, You should watch the trailer to that. "Jet Li...and Jackie Chan...FINALLY IN A MOVIE!" But then you watch it and the  it's about Michael Angarano doing an Asian version of  A Kid in King Arthur's Court. They just didn't have the confidence people would want to see a Kung Fu  movie starring the world's 2 most known Kung Fu names, so they threw in a White kid.

There. Is. No. Such. Thing. As. A. Sure. Thing. You riskophobes.  There never was. Maybe Mulan is gonna flop, even if you turn have Mulan suddenly run into Darth Vader and Ironman. Maybe it'll be a hit.  You just have to make the best movie possible and hope it works.

 And may I add good luck with that Aladdin movie set in culturally appropriated Middle East and without the possibility if casting Robin Williams because he died. I'm sure THAT won't be controversial at all!

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