How do you Batman vs Superman? I show you!

Superheroes be like

There are characters and concepts out there, that are difficult to adapt, especially into a mainstream movie. Works that are too long, too morally complex, or too visually advanced for any old  person to present on screen.

Works that, once adapted, are always controversial.

Batman and Superman are the opposite of that.

Batman and Superman are the Easy Mode of works to adapt. Really, the narrative difficult parts have already been taken care of for you. Literally everyone and their grandma knows this characters, and they've been fleshed for over 75 years, on just about every medium imaginable, including streams of films.
"If anything, Superman Returns was not dark and meandering and melancholy ENOUGH."
But, according to certain spoiler laden reviews, somehow I have to explain to Zack Snyder and WB how to bring together Batman and Superman. Spoilers follow.

In a way, it's not so surprising that the studio that couldn't get Green Lantern, Jonah Hex, and Hellblazer, doesn't understand how the whole Batman x Superman thing should work. They only have like decades of comics, and the Bruce Timm animated movie, and Batman/Superman Public Enemies the animation. All works that cultivated the very idea of these characters butting heads. I guess  they didn't see that. They did see Death of Superman and The Dark Knight Returns, which, which are not really stories that make sense to mix with each other. It's X3 all over again. Mutant Cure and Phoenix each could be their own SERIES OF MOVIES, you don't put both together!

Anyway, I'm not reviewing the movie. I haven't seen it. But from the information I have, in this one Batman is angry and kills people and Superman...probably doesn't anymore, a lot. Batman is angry because of what happened in Metropolis(which, in-universe is kind of dickish because while Superman  might have failed to save a lot of people in Metropolis, he did save everyone ELSE in the world from turning into mountains of skulls. So...perspective) and because of that and the manipulations of Lex Luthor, that's what causes the titular boxing match.

In the end, upon being informed  that Superman's mom is called Martha, alike his own Mom, Batman gives up trying to straight up kill Superman, and they and Wonder Woman team up to fight Doomsday, the non-flipper having , revived and remonstered Zod, which kills Superman. Of course he kills Superman, why else would you have that sack of rocky shit if you wern't going to do the whole Death of Superman Tango. Of course, at this point we aren't killing Superman, American Icon for years, beloved by all, the world's greatest Superhero, but Superman, Divisive figure that some call FALSE GOD, and who had to attend senate hearings about his behavior. Even Superman Returns earned  it's "Superman is DEAD" moments.

Hey, as long as we're adapting the less good parts of the DCU...
Ok, director of Watchmen and 300: Here's how this usually goes down.

Batman and Superman have completely different methods of achieving the same thing, as well as entirely different viewpoints of things. Batman is generally more distrusting and cynical, because his entire thing is based on having watched his parents gunned down before him. Also, since he doesn't have Superpowers, he can't just pick up people and throw them in jail.

Superman, though, is basically a humble guy even though he could compress your cranium into diamonds. He is more of an optimist, and his approach to a situation that Batman might approach with Karate tends to be less like that.

So if these two haven't met, there'll be an obvious rift on account of the methodology. If they've already met, there will be some overlying issue that will be big enough to have characters be torn apart.

They'll fight, but not out of spite, for someone must stand up for what's right. But, naturally at some point they'll figure that they both want the same thing: justice, and so they'll squash the beef and make up. Uh, that sounded a little....

ANYWAY, you see, that's usually how it goes when you don't want to assassinate one or the other. If you want to make Superman look like an Super Jerk, you play to the negative perceptions some people have about him: That he's a dullard, boring, hypocrite, status quo loving freak. If you want to make Batman be in the wrong, have him just spy on  everyone and be an paranoid douche.

However, for all the half a decade plans of sequels you got lined up, you forgot to plan the most basic shit: How are Batman and Superman different.

For all the poop pants serious face talks of DESHTINY in Man of Steel, by the end you don't really get a sense of that this is THE Superman. You know, The "Great Icon of Hope" the film kept pushing. Even now in this film, there is allegedly not a sense of that. We never really got back from Pa' Kent if oh so special Clark Kent should leave a bus of schoolchildren to drown. In fact, in Man of Steel, when he kills Zod and he's all broken up about it, you can almost hear Kevin Costner going "you see, Clark, saving the planet...awful business, that."

I'm starting to think WB hired Sandy Corolla as a way to keep him out of Marvel's hands...

So to contrast Morally Ambiguous Superman we have...Morally Ambiguous Batman. EVEN MORE-ERERER morally ambiguous than when he exploded an entire factory or when he lied about and covered the District Attorney's death because Gotham's little heart just couldn't handle the idea that he went on a killing spree, if you can believe it.

So now, rather than Navy Blue, Boy Scout Supes fighting Gray and Black , Scowling Batman facing each other before coming to an understanding based on a new found sense of trust and respect over what good they see in the other we have Blue-Black, Pensive Superman Fighting Rock Gray and Black Batman fighting each other over stupid shit, and coming together over stupid shit long enough to fight Doomsday.

Really, it's all in the visuals.
To clarify, I have not seen the film. I'm sure IF I watch it, it won't be the worst thing I've done. I'm not a snob. I thought MoS was just kind of okay. But just from knowing these plot elements, I am just boggled. I am boggled that in a year when Fox got Deadpool right...FOX...DEADPOOL...RIGHT...that Warner kind of dropped the ball on  pretty much THE only Superheroes they bought DC for. I mean, not financially, the movie's doing good I hear. But, again, it's 2016, and Marvel made a good movie about fucking Antman. You don't get points for showing up, WB and DC.

Top 5 reasons why Kim Kardashian should be President

So, I have been observing your "election primaries" with profound fascination. It's become increasingly clear this race is gonna be Hilary Clinton, former first lady, senator, and secretary of state, vs Donald Trump, wealthy businessman, hotel owner, and reality tv personality.

Now, on paper that seems a pretty easy choice.  And you're probably already readying  your fingers to blast me with a  "NO it's not! MY candidate is a much better choice".

Take it easy. I'm Puerto Rican, I can't vote. And if I could, I wouldn't choose Trump or Clinton. No, my candidate would be Kim Kardashian, of being Kim Kardashian fame. Why? Well...

5)She's an excellent businesswoman

"A video? Of SEX? On the Internet? WhAAAAA...?
Now, I hate that Kim Kardashian is famous. Because she isn't famous for doing stuff, or having talents or anything.  She's famous because she had sex with a guy on camera, in a grainy vid, the vid "escaped" and became public, and media fascination with this nobody having sex with basically a nobody being in the internet eventually lead to her making millions of dollars in merchandize.
But you can't deny it takes some kinda genius to pull that off. To make people to care about ass and titties on the internet, where asses and tits run wild and free, where you can find people doing just about anything,that's nothing short of amazing.

Even in the (very large) probability that the whole thing was staged to give her a shot at stardom, you gotta wonder how you do that. People all around the world  have their nudity leaked into the internet, and usually all they get is like, fired from their jobs or..demoted, or shamed. BUT she somehow used the very same scenario to ascend from what Sir Mix-A-Lot's "Baby Got Back" would accurately describe as "One of those Rap Guy's Girlfriend's" into a position of influence where millions of people want to hear what she would say, despite having not said a smart thing in all the time the public has seen her.

So obviously, such a skill would probably translate to the White House, one would assume. When it's time to make important financial or social decisions, you're gut  might be telling you that you want someone who knows fuck all about those issues, who has maybe studied them, the same way when hiring someone at a restaurant you want someone with experience, and not just someone who haggles with the waitresses all the time. But your deeper gut knows that the guy who haggles with the waitresses has been to, like, many restaurants, and therefore is the superior choice.

4) She speaks her mind
Such revelations.
If there's one thing we hate about politicians, is how much they smile. But if there's a second thing as well, it'd probably be the way they talk.  Always talking like saying the wrong thing could have consequences, just because saying the wrong thing could have consequences. We need someone who just blurts out whatever brainfarts are bubbling up their head box.

Luckily, Kim Kardashian, has a Twitter, which is a website dedicated exclusively dedicated to  putting such brainfarts on a voting booth and seeing which wins every day. And Kim Kardashian has millions of people who's willingly smell them, so I guess that means she's got opinions on stuff.

You see? President Kardashian won't stand ther hemming and hawing and saying "I won't say". She'll tell it like it is, which is how it probably works in international diplomacy. Is that how that works? I think it is: survival of the loudmouthiest.

3) She's got Karisma

Women like this woman. It's WEIRD.

Ok, let's be frank: America chose George W Bush over Al Gore(or maybe they didn't) because George was a more relatable, seemingly down to Earth candidate. That one of those went on to be one of the loudest voices against climate change and the other now can't be seen near some European  Countries  for fear of being tried for War Crimes  should really surprise no one.

America loves itself some long as there's charisma involved. The idea that a candidate is smarter than them is a bit terrifying, when it should be "DUH".  You don't want teachers to be relatable to the kids, you want teachers to teach good!

Kimberly Kardashian is  probably a little smarter than what I give her credit for, if only because nobody can be that dumb without reverting back into a scarecrow. But she does have a certain je ne seis quoi(I mean really QUOI? QUOI DE FOUQ?) about her that make people like her way more than they should about series of sentient butt implants. It can't be sex appeal itself. When's the last time you heard people talk about Megan Fox's EX like he matters? Do you even know who that would be? You don't. You don't and he could be getting surgery to become a woman right now and nobody would care!

So it can talk pretty, it can look pretty, and  it is famous. Why not give it the chance to govern the nation?  America picked former actor Ronald Reagan as president, and he was so charismatic, most people still thing the biggest Contra scandal of the 80's was when their buddy stole their NES game.

2) Kim Kardashian is not a normal politician
This is a child that might be Kim Kardashian.

Politics are really confusing to most of us. It's almost a different world. There's thing in there, rules in there, spoken and unspoken, that do not exist anywhere else. It's like basketball, ,and all the people that are there are the All Stars of that sport, passing the ball in ways we didn't know balls could be passed.

We desperately wish it  was basic-er, and the one way we can try that, is putting the common man in the big seat. Candidates promise all the time they aren't those those types of regular politicians in ads and stuff, but by the time you get to be on ads, you probably aren't just Joe Cheesnack anymore.

But if you want a candidate that has known struggle, look no further than Kim Kardashian, who clawed her way from rags to riches.

The daughter of a mixed race family, Kim was just a humble, salt of the earth girl with dreams of making it big in the fashion business.   Like many of us, she too had to struggle and fuck her way to success. I'm not even being accusatory about that last part. In an ocean of "Rap Guy's Girlfriends" who want to make it big in the business, she's of the small, small percent who actually DOES make it big. She didn't suck a dick better or faster or more publicly than anyone. But unlike most people, she road that dick to the center of the world's stage. She pulled herself from her semen encrusted bootstraps into a person of worldly importance.

Isn't that the American Dream, that you can make it despite your setbacks, despite how unqualified you are? Kim Kardashian didn't inherit her success from a wealthy family.  She's got more in common with most people than Donald Trump.

1) Kim Kardashian has haters

"Girls, if you give it up to every Z list celeb you encounter, you too can be rich as fuck!"

It might seem a weird reason to pick someone for leader of anything. I mean, in essence, all politicians have haters, detractors, and all sorts of opposers.

But Kim Kardashian is different. She doesn't have haters  because of her beliefs, or because of her political inclinations. Kim Kardashian has haters because "Kim Kardashian shouldn't be".

I mean, I know I hate her because of that.  Like Neo, in the Matrix, she's an anomaly that proves disturbing to the world. Who loves Kim Kardashian, and why? Who buys her game? Who wants to smell like the smell that the box that has her name? And why?

It is a mystery, and mystery's are interesting. Fascination breeds fascination. Are people talking about her because the media is guiding them to? Or is the media talking about her because the people demand it? Is it a weird vicious circle of demand and supply to know more about a woman who might as well be a dry coconut with a great big rump?

And sure, that's no real reason to choose someone to lead a parade, let alone a world super power. That's superficial fluff, and doesn't really go into the contents of what her policies would be, what her standing is on issues, how she would react under the enormous pressure  that such a position would entail. But clearly we're way past the age when those are the things that matter in an American leader.  We're at a different age now. It's an age where I guess "traditional politics" is taking a backseat to "stupid media shit" when it comes to priorities in a leader. So why not pick a candidate who is the MOST stupid-media-shittiest?

Because it's a bad idea?

Everything goes with Tito El Mambino...especially Resident Evil.

Game Kata: Batman Forever is back-ah!

If The Bat wants to play...he should play another game. Still, here's the final moves to Batman Forever: Batman and Riddler.

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