Top 5 reasons why Kim Kardashian should be President at 11:03 AM

So, I have been observing your "election primaries" with profound fascination. It's become increasingly clear this race is gonna be Hilary Clinton, former first lady, senator, and secretary of state, vs Donald Trump, wealthy businessman, hotel owner, and reality tv personality.

Now, on paper that seems a pretty easy choice.  And you're probably already readying  your fingers to blast me with a  "NO it's not! MY candidate is a much better choice".

Take it easy. I'm Puerto Rican, I can't vote. And if I could, I wouldn't choose Trump or Clinton. No, my candidate would be Kim Kardashian, of being Kim Kardashian fame. Why? Well...

5)She's an excellent businesswoman

"A video? Of SEX? On the Internet? WhAAAAA...?

Now, I hate that Kim Kardashian is famous. Because she isn't famous for doing stuff, or having talents or anything.  She's famous because she had sex with a guy on camera, in a grainy vid, the vid "escaped" and became public, and media fascination with this nobody having sex with basically a nobody being in the internet eventually lead to her making millions of dollars in merchandize.
But you can't deny it takes some kinda genius to pull that off. To make people to care about ass and titties on the internet, where asses and tits run wild and free, where you can find people doing just about anything,that's nothing short of amazing.

Even in the (very large) probability that the whole thing was staged to give her a shot at stardom, you gotta wonder how you do that. People all around the world  have their nudity leaked into the internet, and usually all they get is like, fired from their jobs or..demoted, or shamed. BUT she somehow used the very same scenario to ascend from what Sir Mix-A-Lot's "Baby Got Back" would accurately describe as "One of those Rap Guy's Girlfriend's" into a position of influence where millions of people want to hear what she would say, despite having not said a smart thing in all the time the public has seen her.


So obviously, such a skill would probably translate to the White House, one would assume. When it's time to make important financial or social decisions, you're gut  might be telling you that you want someone who knows fuck all about those issues, who has maybe studied them, the same way when hiring someone at a restaurant you want someone with experience, and not just someone who haggles with the waitresses all the time. But your deeper gut knows that the guy who haggles with the waitresses has been to, like, many restaurants, and therefore is the superior choice.

4) She speaks her mind

Such revelations.

If there's one thing we hate about politicians, is how much they smile. But if there's a second thing as well, it'd probably be the way they talk.  Always talking like saying the wrong thing could have consequences, just because saying the wrong thing could have consequences. We need someone who just blurts out whatever brainfarts are bubbling up their head box.

Luckily, Kim Kardashian, has a Twitter, which is a website dedicated exclusively dedicated to  putting such brainfarts on a voting booth and seeing which wins every day. And Kim Kardashian has millions of people who's willingly smell them, so I guess that means she's got opinions on stuff.
 
 



You see? President Kardashian won't stand ther hemming and hawing and saying "I won't say". She'll tell it like it is, which is how it probably works in international diplomacy. Is that how that works? I think it is: survival of the loudmouthiest.


3) She's got Karisma

Women like this woman. It's WEIRD.

Ok, let's be frank: America chose George W Bush over Al Gore(or maybe they didn't) because George was a more relatable, seemingly down to Earth candidate. That one of those went on to be one of the loudest voices against climate change and the other now can't be seen near some European  Countries  for fear of being tried for War Crimes  should really surprise no one.

America loves itself some dumb...as long as there's charisma involved. The idea that a candidate is smarter than them is a bit terrifying, when it should be "DUH".  You don't want teachers to be relatable to the kids, you want teachers to teach good!


Kimberly Kardashian is  probably a little smarter than what I give her credit for, if only because nobody can be that dumb without reverting back into a scarecrow. But she does have a certain je ne seis quoi(I mean really QUOI? QUOI DE FOUQ?) about her that make people like her way more than they should about series of sentient butt implants. It can't be sex appeal itself. When's the last time you heard people talk about Megan Fox's EX like he matters? Do you even know who that would be? You don't. You don't and he could be getting surgery to become a woman right now and nobody would care!

So it can talk pretty, it can look pretty, and  it is famous. Why not give it the chance to govern the nation?  America picked former actor Ronald Reagan as president, and he was so charismatic, most people still thing the biggest Contra scandal of the 80's was when their buddy stole their NES game.

2) Kim Kardashian is not a normal politician

This is a child that might be Kim Kardashian.

Politics are really confusing to most of us. It's almost a different world. There's thing in there, rules in there, spoken and unspoken, that do not exist anywhere else. It's like basketball, ,and all the people that are there are the All Stars of that sport, passing the ball in ways we didn't know balls could be passed.


We desperately wish it  was basic-er, and the one way we can try that, is putting the common man in the big seat. Candidates promise all the time they aren't those those types of regular politicians in ads and stuff, but by the time you get to be on ads, you probably aren't just Joe Cheesnack anymore.


But if you want a candidate that has known struggle, look no further than Kim Kardashian, who clawed her way from rags to riches.

The daughter of a mixed race family, Kim was just a humble, salt of the earth girl with dreams of making it big in the fashion business.   Like many of us, she too had to struggle and fuck her way to success. I'm not even being accusatory about that last part. In an ocean of "Rap Guy's Girlfriends" who want to make it big in the business, she's of the small, small percent who actually DOES make it big. She didn't suck a dick better or faster or more publicly than anyone. But unlike most people, she road that dick to the center of the world's stage. She pulled herself from her semen encrusted bootstraps into a person of worldly importance.

Isn't that the American Dream, that you can make it despite your setbacks, despite how unqualified you are? Kim Kardashian didn't inherit her success from a wealthy family.  She's got more in common with most people than Donald Trump.




1) Kim Kardashian has haters

"Girls, if you give it up to every Z list celeb you encounter, you too can be rich as fuck!"

It might seem a weird reason to pick someone for leader of anything. I mean, in essence, all politicians have haters, detractors, and all sorts of opposers.

But Kim Kardashian is different. She doesn't have haters  because of her beliefs, or because of her political inclinations. Kim Kardashian has haters because "Kim Kardashian shouldn't be".

I mean, I know I hate her because of that.  Like Neo, in the Matrix, she's an anomaly that proves disturbing to the world. Who loves Kim Kardashian, and why? Who buys her game? Who wants to smell like the smell that the box that has her name? And why?

It is a mystery, and mystery's are interesting. Fascination breeds fascination. Are people talking about her because the media is guiding them to? Or is the media talking about her because the people demand it? Is it a weird vicious circle of demand and supply to know more about a woman who might as well be a dry coconut with a great big rump?

And sure, that's no real reason to choose someone to lead a parade, let alone a world super power. That's superficial fluff, and doesn't really go into the contents of what her policies would be, what her standing is on issues, how she would react under the enormous pressure  that such a position would entail. But clearly we're way past the age when those are the things that matter in an American leader.  We're at a different age now. It's an age where I guess "traditional politics" is taking a backseat to "stupid media shit" when it comes to priorities in a leader. So why not pick a candidate who is the MOST stupid-media-shittiest?

Because it's a bad idea?