So it's come to this: A Remake of Birth of a Nation at 1:48 PM

Look, I understand that being a movie studio nowadays is hard. You got China up your ass, you've got pirates helping you constantly break attendance record bleeding you out of your proceeds, and you've got games and Internet giving people more value than a Blu Ray can possibly deliver, at way better prices.

So I am not surprised that movies have stuck to what worked in the past to try and put butts in seats. Did you know that most of the movies nowadays are based on books, games, cartoons, and other movies? Unlike the golden age, where originality reigned supreme and most movies where based just on books.

We've almost become numb to it. Who can blame us? Every other day a new stupid remake or adaptation is announced, and you really can't go any lower than Peeps and Emoji.

However, there's some things you just don't do Some movies are should not be remade. We draw the line here. Here at remaking Birth of a Nation.

The classic zombie film by DW Griffith has apparently begun filming, with it being released either this year or it's already out, hell if I know. You already know it's all going downhill when you have Edward Zwick the director of The Last Samurai and Blood Diamond attached. I mean, what sort of fit is the guy for the material.

But from the looks of it, they might as well have gotten Michael Bay, because this movie throws out everything anyone knew about Birth of a Nation, to tell us a story that practically has nothing to do with it, about slaves revolting against their masters.

So it's basically Birth of a Nation In Name Only as they threw out the heart of the old movie, and replaced it with whatever kids nowadays would like to see: slaves fighting for their freedom. Who wrote this , Justin Marks?

After all these years of waiting for a sequel to the 1915 original with the surviving cast in place, fans will probably be disappointed to know none of them make a return, and that this is just a quick cash grab on the franchise. Hell, the effects of the original still hold up, while the current one's lazy use of computer filters and actual African Americans make it feel as hollow as it actually is.

Art from Adversity.

High tech drivel.

The original as pretty well recieved overall. It was a fun film. This one is all dark and gloom. Enough of these ultra serious films! Are you allergic to charm and joy, Hollywood?

I mean, I assume. I haven't seen either and don't know what Birth of a Nation is about. But I'm hoping this will prompt Hollywood to learn it's lesson, and stop remaking films that are already perfectly fine.

Always respect the author's will at 2:10 PM

By Watching the above video you are agreeing  with the following terms and conditions:

1)You, the watcher, agrees to pay a stipend to the creator of 100$(U.S.) payable to the Paypal account of the author.

2) You, the watcher, agree to only ever speak regarding this video in positive terms, while also standing on one(1) leg.

In case of disagreement with any of the points I make, regardless if it is done on one leg, you agree to remove one(1) of your toes, should you have any toes.

In case of agreement while failing to jump on one leg, you agree to remove one(1) of your fingers, should there be any to.

3) You shall deliver to me any firstborn children, male or female, that you happen to have. To deliver them, you should build a barge out of oak, and seal it with your own earwax. You shall use the barge to sail to the Island of Puerto Rico, where said baby  shall be delivered, alive, to my doorstep. The boys shall be raised as freaks and mutants in my secret sewers. The girls shall be sacrificed to Snarko, the Faceticious Dragon.

4) This video is only meant to be watched in Countries with Z in their name, by people named either Eartha or McTalion


5) That every morning that you wake up and do not recall dreaming that you were ravaged by me, you shall whip yourself 400 lashes while reciting the theme from Extreme Dinosaurs. This includes non song vocalizations like "let's fossilize them".





If you fail to follow any of the terms, and still watch all or part of the video, you are depriving me of my fairly earned money and...babies. It's robbing. Please turn yourself to the authorities, and should they refuse to arrest you, rob something so they have something to arrest you over. Ok? Ok.

Top 5 reasons why Kim Kardashian should be President at 11:03 AM

So, I have been observing your "election primaries" with profound fascination. It's become increasingly clear this race is gonna be Hilary Clinton, former first lady, senator, and secretary of state, vs Donald Trump, wealthy businessman, hotel owner, and reality tv personality.

Now, on paper that seems a pretty easy choice.  And you're probably already readying  your fingers to blast me with a  "NO it's not! MY candidate is a much better choice".

Take it easy. I'm Puerto Rican, I can't vote. And if I could, I wouldn't choose Trump or Clinton. No, my candidate would be Kim Kardashian, of being Kim Kardashian fame. Why? Well...

5)She's an excellent businesswoman

"A video? Of SEX? On the Internet? WhAAAAA...?

Now, I hate that Kim Kardashian is famous. Because she isn't famous for doing stuff, or having talents or anything.  She's famous because she had sex with a guy on camera, in a grainy vid, the vid "escaped" and became public, and media fascination with this nobody having sex with basically a nobody being in the internet eventually lead to her making millions of dollars in merchandize.
But you can't deny it takes some kinda genius to pull that off. To make people to care about ass and titties on the internet, where asses and tits run wild and free, where you can find people doing just about anything,that's nothing short of amazing.

Even in the (very large) probability that the whole thing was staged to give her a shot at stardom, you gotta wonder how you do that. People all around the world  have their nudity leaked into the internet, and usually all they get is like, fired from their jobs or..demoted, or shamed. BUT she somehow used the very same scenario to ascend from what Sir Mix-A-Lot's "Baby Got Back" would accurately describe as "One of those Rap Guy's Girlfriend's" into a position of influence where millions of people want to hear what she would say, despite having not said a smart thing in all the time the public has seen her.


So obviously, such a skill would probably translate to the White House, one would assume. When it's time to make important financial or social decisions, you're gut  might be telling you that you want someone who knows fuck all about those issues, who has maybe studied them, the same way when hiring someone at a restaurant you want someone with experience, and not just someone who haggles with the waitresses all the time. But your deeper gut knows that the guy who haggles with the waitresses has been to, like, many restaurants, and therefore is the superior choice.

4) She speaks her mind

Such revelations.

If there's one thing we hate about politicians, is how much they smile. But if there's a second thing as well, it'd probably be the way they talk.  Always talking like saying the wrong thing could have consequences, just because saying the wrong thing could have consequences. We need someone who just blurts out whatever brainfarts are bubbling up their head box.

Luckily, Kim Kardashian, has a Twitter, which is a website dedicated exclusively dedicated to  putting such brainfarts on a voting booth and seeing which wins every day. And Kim Kardashian has millions of people who's willingly smell them, so I guess that means she's got opinions on stuff.
 
 



You see? President Kardashian won't stand ther hemming and hawing and saying "I won't say". She'll tell it like it is, which is how it probably works in international diplomacy. Is that how that works? I think it is: survival of the loudmouthiest.


3) She's got Karisma

Women like this woman. It's WEIRD.

Ok, let's be frank: America chose George W Bush over Al Gore(or maybe they didn't) because George was a more relatable, seemingly down to Earth candidate. That one of those went on to be one of the loudest voices against climate change and the other now can't be seen near some European  Countries  for fear of being tried for War Crimes  should really surprise no one.

America loves itself some dumb...as long as there's charisma involved. The idea that a candidate is smarter than them is a bit terrifying, when it should be "DUH".  You don't want teachers to be relatable to the kids, you want teachers to teach good!


Kimberly Kardashian is  probably a little smarter than what I give her credit for, if only because nobody can be that dumb without reverting back into a scarecrow. But she does have a certain je ne seis quoi(I mean really QUOI? QUOI DE FOUQ?) about her that make people like her way more than they should about series of sentient butt implants. It can't be sex appeal itself. When's the last time you heard people talk about Megan Fox's EX like he matters? Do you even know who that would be? You don't. You don't and he could be getting surgery to become a woman right now and nobody would care!

So it can talk pretty, it can look pretty, and  it is famous. Why not give it the chance to govern the nation?  America picked former actor Ronald Reagan as president, and he was so charismatic, most people still thing the biggest Contra scandal of the 80's was when their buddy stole their NES game.

2) Kim Kardashian is not a normal politician

This is a child that might be Kim Kardashian.

Politics are really confusing to most of us. It's almost a different world. There's thing in there, rules in there, spoken and unspoken, that do not exist anywhere else. It's like basketball, ,and all the people that are there are the All Stars of that sport, passing the ball in ways we didn't know balls could be passed.


We desperately wish it  was basic-er, and the one way we can try that, is putting the common man in the big seat. Candidates promise all the time they aren't those those types of regular politicians in ads and stuff, but by the time you get to be on ads, you probably aren't just Joe Cheesnack anymore.


But if you want a candidate that has known struggle, look no further than Kim Kardashian, who clawed her way from rags to riches.

The daughter of a mixed race family, Kim was just a humble, salt of the earth girl with dreams of making it big in the fashion business.   Like many of us, she too had to struggle and fuck her way to success. I'm not even being accusatory about that last part. In an ocean of "Rap Guy's Girlfriends" who want to make it big in the business, she's of the small, small percent who actually DOES make it big. She didn't suck a dick better or faster or more publicly than anyone. But unlike most people, she road that dick to the center of the world's stage. She pulled herself from her semen encrusted bootstraps into a person of worldly importance.

Isn't that the American Dream, that you can make it despite your setbacks, despite how unqualified you are? Kim Kardashian didn't inherit her success from a wealthy family.  She's got more in common with most people than Donald Trump.




1) Kim Kardashian has haters

"Girls, if you give it up to every Z list celeb you encounter, you too can be rich as fuck!"

It might seem a weird reason to pick someone for leader of anything. I mean, in essence, all politicians have haters, detractors, and all sorts of opposers.

But Kim Kardashian is different. She doesn't have haters  because of her beliefs, or because of her political inclinations. Kim Kardashian has haters because "Kim Kardashian shouldn't be".

I mean, I know I hate her because of that.  Like Neo, in the Matrix, she's an anomaly that proves disturbing to the world. Who loves Kim Kardashian, and why? Who buys her game? Who wants to smell like the smell that the box that has her name? And why?

It is a mystery, and mystery's are interesting. Fascination breeds fascination. Are people talking about her because the media is guiding them to? Or is the media talking about her because the people demand it? Is it a weird vicious circle of demand and supply to know more about a woman who might as well be a dry coconut with a great big rump?

And sure, that's no real reason to choose someone to lead a parade, let alone a world super power. That's superficial fluff, and doesn't really go into the contents of what her policies would be, what her standing is on issues, how she would react under the enormous pressure  that such a position would entail. But clearly we're way past the age when those are the things that matter in an American leader.  We're at a different age now. It's an age where I guess "traditional politics" is taking a backseat to "stupid media shit" when it comes to priorities in a leader. So why not pick a candidate who is the MOST stupid-media-shittiest?

Because it's a bad idea?

Nega Nancy : There is no reason why none of the Ninja Turtles is a woman yet at 8:35 AM

"If it's gay, it's good"

(In order to be more hip with the kids today, I intend to bring you  more socially conscious messages, under the label Nega Nancy)


Are we ready for a female Ninja Turtle?

Who can forget the 80's? Awful commercialism invaded everything, even our children!  When Ronald Reagan(who is not a minority, a woman, or gay. We're not judging him for what he is, we're judging him for what he ISN'T) loosened the rules of what educational television could be, the toy empires of the world saw an opening from which to launch  half an hour toy commercials for their wares disguised as so called cartoons.

Bookending with a variety of statues quo enshrining platitudes, shows like Transformers, GI Joe,He-Man and more to the point, The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles where the moral teachers on the university of egotism disguised as pride, and individualism disguised as "staying true to yourself, and defending the current corporate oligarchy as "right makes might". "But, to boys only", patriarchy said.

To wit, these lessons are incredibly noxious  on young cis males, but are sorely needed on unempowered groups for some reason. I consider The Ninja Turtles one of the main reasons we're not at True Equality Lv. 5 yet.

The show followed  four sociopathic unemployed cis white turtles as they "saved" the earth from a grassroots movement the Foot Clan, which was lead by a foreign Colored man known as Shredder and a intersex brain creature known as "The Krang". The subtext is right there. These Turtle boys had absolutely not a plan to help the disenfranchised in New York city, but would go to any length to find and brutalize them.

But you know the story. There have been more years with Ninja Turtles products that there have been without them since they where invented.  Over the years, they've proven a popular element of the culture of pop. These could be seen as  fairly inoffensive stories that strike a cord with young and old alike, and that'd be the end of that. But EVERYTHING IS SERIOUS. Let's discuss the sexual politics of the Ninja Turtles.

There is no nonsexist reason why one of the Ninja Turtles can't be a woman. You might have some counter-points, but my counter argument is that you're white, or straight or a man. You don't know that I'm right because of it!

Yes, the Turtles have a female prescence in April, a cis white female  who serves as the audience identification character in the great majority of TMNT stories. What, can't the boring audience identification character be a man for once? These sexists also once tried  to make the audience identification character a kid named Max "the fifth turtle". Can't the cool audience identification character be a girl for once?

Either way, it is not enough, as nothing is!  We need a female turtle. Now, mind you , that did happen, on the live action last ditch attempt to keep the franchise alive during the mid 90's called TMNT the Next Mutation. Her name was Venus. The maleocracy obviously rebelled against the mere idea, and the show floundered.

 There was also Mona Lisa, who was almost the  5th female Turtle, until the potential rapist who made the original cartoon rebelled against the idea, and some quick(but not quick enough) changes made her into a Lizard Woman, who immediately jumped into Raphael's Turtle Dick, because most people are straight, amirite?

But that's all small potatoes. We can't change the socioeconomic background of inequality with a couple of one off cartoon characters! We need  Lead  characters before we'll have any real impact on the world.

I mean, the Turtles are THE HEROES of these stories. Their name is right there on the tin. Am I to believe that a young boy, fresh of a rival comic, picked up four turtles off of a petshop, they all fall off into a sewer that had mutagenic goop in it and it turned them into humanoid, english speaking, martial arts practicing mutants and they all happened to be male Turtles? That's not realistic. At least one of them could be a female.

This story is constantly retold, and as any story that is constantly retold, I believe every time it snubs my passionate ideas it does so because it hates them, and it hates me.  How hard would it be if, the next time they're  remaking this particular story(in like, 2 years, right?) they just take a moment to consider all the damage that is being caused by telling young girls "EY! You can't be a Ninja Turtle, live in the sewers, eat junk food, and partake in gang wars between a dude with blades and a ratman!"

Or better yet, if one of the current takes, such as the current cartoon or the upcoming sequel to the movie,  took the time to adress that one of these turtles is, in fact a female (or OMG a transexual. Gay or a woman. As long as you do one of this I will clap like a seal)

It's time these authors stop making excuses and start working towards what I just made up is the real goal, isn't it? Yes it is, I'm not ending that on a question.

Why "Free the Nipple" must be stopped at 9:22 AM

Song's pretty good, too.

The perceptions, they are ah-changing. I grew up in a time where drugs where DRUGS, and legalizing them in any shape or form was out of the question. And now look at this shit.  Everyone's starting to go "well, shit, that didn't work. Let's try something else."


I applaud this "try something else" approach. I might not always agree with the something elses, but I do appreciate the idea of seeing the way we approach we where taking and going "let's just think about it for a bit."

And I also like women's breasts. So you might be surprised to know Batzarro is 100 percent for serious against the "Free the Nipple" movement,  a movement seeking to de-sexualize and legalize female toplessness. Here's my totally non faceticious reasons.

Yes, the tit showing was the troubling aspect of this.

1) It would make us look stupid for spending so many years making a fuss about it.

Back in the mid 80's to mid 90's, the local tv channels apparently didn't need no Free The Nipple Movement, because they would just run American movies(and occasionally, Brazilian soaps) with nudity. For me, growing up, that was normal. When cops walk through a titty bar looking for a suspect, sometimes you'd see some boobage over there. Nothing to it.

Then in 1997 we got Cable TV.  The image was super clear and they would run cool movies every 2 days instead of every 6 months. But it stood out to me that there where no breasts. Even in moments where you knew there where supposed to be breasts, there was in their place,  black bars, mosaic effects, and other silly things. All the actual breasts where on the scrambled channel, occasionally  making themselves visible whenever only my brother was present.

Well, what happens, kids, is that there is an agency overseeing broadcasted images called the Federal Communications Commission. The FCC decides, among other things, what you can say on the radio, what you can show on TV, and how much you can fake-compete in the telecommunications business.
The FCC could, and actually did charge you 1000's of dollars for showing a nipple on the screen. This was...this is the way it is. We've deemed female nipples damaging enough to the youth psyche that we punish those who show them with hefty fines.

One day, on a widely seen football event, what was probably an accident revealed a single areola on beloved singstress Janet Jackson. After that, we decided we needed to show all live shows with a 5 second delay, just to make sure that a nipple never, ever accidentally sneaks its way into our children's eyes.

And isn't that super fuckin' stupid? YES IT IS. Who is stupid? We are stupid. Let's not even get  on to the MPAA's treatment of female nudity, and the ESRB's treatment of it.

But suddenly this group comes and declares female toplessness to be a fairly undamaging event, that no one need to worry about. Slowly but surely everyone starts seeing reason, and before you know it a bunch of states become reasonable about it.

But then, it creates a disparity. You can totally walk into Gamestop shirtless to buy games, but those games are still self-regulated to minimize nudity and sexual situations that could upset upsetable types. You're just making all the time we spent putting black bars and reducing nudity super pointless. You're shining a light on decades of our society and saying "you're being ridiculous" and being RIGHT about it. STOP IT!

So many have died!

2) It would make the Mary Sues and Stylites of the world very...confused

Sites like Mary Sue are run by prudes that don't even know they're prudes. They talk a big game about the representation of women in pop culture being important, and doing so and so being offensive and troubling, but the truth is they're deeply uncomfortable with most types of sexuality. Since they can't express anything negative about homosexuality, to make up for that they just turn around and start cutting the crust out of anything regarding straight people, to I guess try to get it to a point where no woman could possibly open  a comic book and see an image that disagrees with what they like. Or, like, look at a variant cover that's merely one of the existing options for a cover.

And so one day,for progressiveness, of all things, we "loosen up" about fem nips. I bet that the Mary Sues of the world would, at that point, be elated, because this is for progressiveness. They'd love it until the shower scenes start showing up.

You know what I mean.  If you think everyone's just gonna treat the newly freed bare breasts strictly under "Mary Sues Guidelines and Expectations Regarding Bared Female Anatomy Ideals" you're shit out of luck.  Before you know it, you'll be seeing "artistic" renderings of Supergirl and Wonder Woman's bare breasts.  Sure, Supergirl's a  minor(or hundreds of years old? Or not-even-human?), but bare breasts are not sexual anymore, so who are you gonna complain to? THE MAYOR?

So what's a site of progressive prudes to do? They want things to be liberalized, but they won't like what people do once they are freed. But it's just as well, since...

"Yaaawn"

3)It might just be the death of Pop Culture.
You know what Hollywood is scared of? You. For nearly a century, they had a tight grip on who makes what, and how he makes it, when it comes to movies in America. They knew exactly how many studios where too many, and how to deal with those who won't work within their system. They controled the theaters, they controlled retail, and they controlled movies themselves. You either worked with them, or your movie would not get any wide distribution, be shown in any amount of important theaters, and would basically be a failure.

But...then the internet came along, with the strength to carry on. And slowly but surely it's put the promotion and distribution and creation of entertainment  ever more out of the hands of Hollywood.
As I mentioned before, FTN's goals would probably create an (even wider) gap between real life and the entertainment industry's standards.

But the Internet would not have the wait. I'm pretty sure a new exploitation genre would dawn upon nipples being freed, and all on the Youtube, which already has a monetization  system. I'm pretty sure if there was a free knock off Avengers Age of Ultron, where fake Ultrons where all topless women...I'd watch THAT one at least 5 times!

Hollywood has used "the fear of nudity" to exert control over movies for so long, I think they'd die if they couldn't, and had to actually compete toe to toe with unhindered productions while they pitifully try to decide if "that is PG 13".

Gotta save somethin' for the ladies, after all.

4) You're ruining the classics!
One thing's for sure: Nudity is totally ok when known artists from the 15th century do it. We take old, classic art with the presumption that nobody back then was just a horndog  who just wanted to see sexy naked ladies. And it's old, so you know it's edifying. Not like CURRENT art, where you're supposed to take in with the STUPID context of STUPID, current society. Bleh.

So basically, nudity was a niche that we allowed "old classics" to carve for themselves, while coming down on current works for being "exploitative" of nudity. Nudity is the only thing a lot of these old art things have going for it, and basically if they do it it's for real art, and if Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen does it, it's because it's written with a 14 year old's understanding of the world.

But what happens when ANY art can have nudity on it, and thrive?  What happens when a music video allows itself to have nudity and still run with the VEVO crowd? I'll tell you what happens: we don't have any real reason to assume  hundreds of year old paintings doing nudity are "for the art".
You don't want the old painters to be seen for what they really are, right? Openly exploiting the attractiveness the female body has towards  male audiences? You know I'm right.

5) How are we supposed to know which sites are porn and which aren't?

In our current society, there's two kinds of sites: those that show the titties, and those that don't.
Youtube, for example, won't show the titties, officially. Sure, you can find them if you look hard enough, but on the whole, there's no titties. Just like there's no copyrighted content.

Youporn, whoever, does show the titties. For most intents and purposes, Youporn is like a youtube where you can download the videos. And all the videos are porn, I guess.

As you can tell, we can easilly tell which site is a pornographic site  and which is just a site where occasionally pornography occurs. You can't go to Youporn and mistake it for anything else. You will see banners filled with tits, and fellatio and ridiculously huge dicks. It's a pretty clear line.

Once you say "nipples are okay", though, the line gets all blurry. Youtube won't be able to just say "this one has tits on it, it's a no-go". They'll have to see the whole thing and decide, video per video, if what is being shown is pornography, and just "art". And you know they'd rather make an automatized nipple detection function and just get it over with.

What if it's two asian coeds making out with no shirt? There's lots of "making out" videos on youtube, such as this:

What if you do the same thing, but with no shirt? Is making out with no shirt more sexual? It SHOULDN'T BE, because bare breasts are not sexual as per the premise. When does it become porn? If they touch them?  If they suck them? Penetration? Stupid sax music?

What if it's a video of a grown person drinking the woman's breast milk? Is it porn automatically? When isn't it? It's something that happens. That's how The Grapes of Wrath ended! But what if my version of The Grapes of Wrath switched out the characters for sexy asians?

We're pretty sure we don't want 5 year olds to find out about motorboating through some recommended thumbnail on the Barney video his mother put him  on. This would force us to examine our perception of what pornography actually is, and how it affects our children. So why not just leave it as it is, brah. Don't rock the teta boat! Don't...

...Actually, I'm in favor of all those things, and even the actual reasons behind FTN. Go get them!

Fighting Female July: Catfight Strategy Guide at 8:54 AM

PPPFFFFFFT!

You're a moron.

You're a moron because you saw an article titled "Catfight Strategy Guide" and you decided it might be worth your time. Everybody knows this game sucks, but to truly play it...for what end? To get your rocks off? If you must do that with a fighting game, go get Dead or Alive, Strip Fighter 4 or 2 Soul Calibur. Just not this one. If you want to play a good fighting game, there's plenty. If you want to play a mediocre or sucky fighting game, there's plenty of that too. You don't NEED Catfight in your life.

And yes, I will detail within the details  of how to play Catfight and not dwell in it's legendary suckyness TOO MUCH.  But unless your a blogger who has some kind of thing with writing about Women in Fighting Games, I suggest you go back to Google and search for anything else. Maybe a cure for insomnia, or the lyrics to that one Matchbox 20 song.

Now mind you, there is yet another game called Catfight. That one is on Playstation 2, which I won't have. If you want to know about that one, well, I accept your donations, send me a Playstation so that I can rock the nation while mocking sexy asians.

Basics


Unless you can get your joystick to work(and I couldn't!) you will be working with the arrows for movement. Z and X are your punch buttons, and C and V are your kicks. A,  S and D    are a shortcut to the special moves, and F are the shortcut to the "Supermoves". Or so I'm told. I haven't ever done one in this game withouth the buttons.

There is no holding of the button, okay? You hold low punch, you keep punching   like you on turbo, okay? Ditto for every attack.

Special Moves


Special moves also drain meter, but you probably won't be runing out of them in this game.

Combos
Yes, I'd like a #2, change the soda for fruit punch. What, in this game? Hahahaha. Go fuck yourself.

Supermoves

The Super moves in this game are different from other games. You have a sort of stamina bar that gets depleted when you pull a Super or special. You cannot repeat the Super unless you're Super Meter returns to maximum.

Blocking
You block by backing away. Try it in real life in relation to this game. Even if you don't block, the game is sure to not follow you!

Finishing moves


But hitting the opponent with  a super for a last move, the character will be killed in not so spectacular fashion.

Modes

Tournament

Win(Or lose! This game is stupid like that!) until you get to the end boss. You get one (1) picture with text describing whatever your character gets for winning!

Vs

Now, If you want to destroy yourself with this game it's fine, but don't you dare bring someone else into your sick world. Do you even have the two joysticks the game forces you to have in order to play versus? What, you can get them? Fuck you!

Watch

Definitively one of the better modes. I mean, the game is almost not a chronic insult to the human psyche if you're not trying to play it at all. Unlike other games with this option, though, you cannot choose who will fight and on what grounds.

Options

Pfft. Like THAT's gonna make this more enjoyable. You can choose between two difficulties, one of which makes the opponent not fight at all.

You can choose between, normal sound, offsound, and catsounds. But offsound doesn't do anything, so...

Controls, you have keyboard, Joystick and a third thing I don't understand. If you choose joystick you are expected to calibrate 2 characters.

You can choose between speeds Normal, Turbo and Slow Mo. You tell me if it works, mine's stuck on Turbo.

Character Strategy



Let's get down to the nitty gritty. Back in the day, you used to have to looks at strategy guides to know your characters moves and strategies. In this one, you'd have to do it to know their fricking names.


Name Pyriss
Place of Origin
Hel?
Backstory
She's  some bitch who shoots fire.
Fun Facts

Special Moves
A Firestorm
Dashes across the Screen.
S Inferno

She shoots black fireballs. They do a fair amount of damage


D Unnamed Uppercut A tried ant true and glitchy Shoryuken.

Supermove
Super Firestorm: same as  Firestorm,It does shitty damage. Not so super.
Finishing moves
Be Diamonds: The opponent blows up into diamonds. Hey, it happens mostly offscreen, so who knows.


Name
Crystal
Place of Origin
From her ending it is implicit she's an extraterrestrial.
Backstory
She just wants to make things clear.
Fun Facts
At one point her finisher just wouldn't fucking work. I assumed she had none.
Special Moves
A)Slicer Kick: A fairly damaging glowey kick

S Slicer: A crescent Moon shaped projectiles


D Dive Kick: She jumps into the air and  dives the opponent

Supermove
Super Slicer Kick: A very broken version of Slicer Kick. Two or 3 of these and it's adios, enemigos.
Finishing moves
Guts slicer: Her opponents guts all come out.


Name
Jennifer
Place of Origin
Hollywood
Backstory
She's  some bitch who shoots lightening.
Fun Facts

Special Moves
A HyperShock: A screencrossing beam of electricity

S Hypershock Low
Lightening travels along the ground

D Twirl Uppercut Uppercut A tried ant true and glitchy Shoryuken.

Supermove = Super Twirl Uppercut You kinda follow along now.
Finishing moves.
HeadKnock: The opponents heads is knockeds off they bodies.




Name
Lucinda
Place of Origin
The Badguys
Backstory
She's  some bitch who Uses wrist-blades.
Fun Facts

Special Moves
A Venom Drill: Just like Wolverine's Drill Claw. But your not playing those games now, stupid idiot.

S Venom Sting
It's the divekick, allright? It's just that it's no longer a kick

D Venom Uppercut
 A tried ant true and glitchy Shoryuken.

Supermove = Super Venom Sting: A Venom Sting that ends in an Uppercut
Finishing moves.
Venom Decimation: The opponent superdies into bones and stuff.



Name
Bass
Place of Origin
Cybertron
Backstory
She's  some bitch who Uses Sound Waves
Fun Facts

Special Moves
A Great Wave: A diagonal abstract-description-of-sound attack.

S HyperWave
Same, but now fully forward

D Fear Magnet
 It's a little glowey thing that doesn't go anywhere

Supermove = Super Wave She crosses the screen to hit you with a punchwave.
Finishing moves.

Bring the Bass: The opponent superdies into bones and stuff.

Name
Kimala
Place of Origin
Mexico?
Backstory
She's  some bitch who Uses Scythes
Fun Facts


Special Moves
A  Beerseker Klaws: She dashes most of the screen, attacking with her scythes
S Skulls Out
She shoots a skull from...her skull

D Tellyport Appear behind the enemy

Supermove = Super Beerseker Klaws THis one does cross the entire screen
Finishing moves.
Deep Within: The Opponents guts all come out.

Name
Chae Lee
Place of Origin
Korea
Backstory
She's  some bitch who Uses Ninja Shit
Fun Facts
The Actress playing this character, Kaitlin Zamar was in Mortal Kombat 2 as Kitana/Mileena/Jade.
This is possibly the worst character in all the game.
Special Moves
A  Teleport: It ports you behind the enemy
S Fireball: It's a fireball. Don't do it to close, because it has a tendency to miss the enemy completely.


D Uppercut : Yet another uppercut
Supermove = Super Beerseker Klaws THis one does cross the entire screen
Finishing moves.
Ninja Slice: The Opponents guts all come out.



Name


Thermia
Place of Origin
An Ice Place. Hehehe.
Backstory
She's  some bitch who Uses Ice Shit.
Fun Facts

Special Moves
A Freeze Breath: Temporarilly encapsulates opponents in ice. No, it's not as practical as  you'd think. 
S Ice Spike: A flying projectile made from Ice.

D Tornado Kick: It's an upwards then downwards variation in the old Tatsumaki Sempukyaku
Supermove = Super Tornado Kick: It's a same place staying variant on the old Tatsumaki Sempukyaku.
Finishing moves.
Footie Head: The opponents head flies away.

Name
Sara
Place of Origin
Greece?
Backstory
She's  some bitch who Uses Her huge, oily guns.
Fun Facts
Her actress is actually called Sara. No, it's too late to say they wern't even trying.
Special Moves
A Power Crush: A Grab, I think.
S Power Blah: An empowered punch.

D NOTHING AT ALL: She yells Power Blah and runs out your meter, though.
Supermove = Mighty Face Punches: She lunges forward and punches.
Finishing moves.
Knocking of the block: Her opponent's head falls off.
Name


Phantasma
Place of Origin
A Haloween Party
Backstory
She's  some bitch whu uses claws.
Fun Facts

Special Moves
A Monster Dash: She lunges towars her upponent
S Rolling Buckler: Haha, made you look! She rolls along the ground

D Upwards roll: She rolls diagonally.
Supermove = Demon Roll: See: MOnster Dash, Super.
Finishing moves.
Killer Night: Her opponent blows up

Final Boss Strategy

Shinma:

Okay, so you made some choices in your life that lead you to  having to beat Catfight. Now you are before the final boss, some Kiss looking freak. If you lose to her once, you have to go back to the start of things, just like Street Fighter Alpha 3. Hey, that game was pretty sweet. Go play that, instead.

First of all you will notice she spams powerful beams that knock you back. If your game is super sped like mine is, this might seem like an unwinnable boss. Here's what you're gonna do: Crouch.
If you crouch, all her attacks go right over you. You are mostly safe, if you keep blocking. Now, she will slowly aproach you with her deadly ray beam cieling, but that's okay. Hold...any attack really, and Shinma will just keep walking into it until she's almost out of health.

If I didn't mention it, I will now, that her health  keeps growing. But what's worse, the only way to beat her is to use a supermove on her and kill her. As her health approaches dangerously low levels, get up and use  the supermove. It might take some tries, but she'll go down.

Once you figure that out, the boss fight goes from stupid hard to stupid easy. Now you can see the endings. However, I specifically put them in this article so you WON'T have to do that, like I did.

Final thoughts
So that was Catfight. Hopefully this will give some closure to your hunt for answers about this game. But...
did you know they remade the notoriously bad Custer's Revenge?
Did you know that they remade Strip Fighter?
Well... I think it's time we took a long, snarky look at Catfight. It's time, baby.

The Female anatomy(according to fan fics) at 2:17 PM

I just want to clear any missinformation out there: what you learned in Sex Education class (or as a course ina  more general health class) is a lie. This is how the true knowers of the female body, Fan Fiction writers, have come to the conclussion the female body works.

I'm putting it after the jump because I don't want the kids to learn this stuff.

Once you go black...you'll never take off your fur-suit again.

1) The Breasts:  Big bags full of milk that sit on the chest of a woman. Every woman, no matter her age, from your little sister to Jaime Lee Curtis can shoot red hot strings of milk at any given moment. Breasts can be infinitely big with no ill effect to the wielder.

2) The Uterus: A Flexible bag, to which the only entrance is the vagina. It can stretch to allow women to have babies or fuck dragons.

3) The Squirt Gun: Now, how did you think women shot magic lady juice all over the place?

4) The Anus: A big whole in the ass of women. Similar to a man's anus, the subtle difference is a woman's anus is  just waiting for things to enter it. As I understand it, women love it when things enter it suddenly and without any lubrication. Also, poop, does come out of there, so it's prime scat fic prime state.

5) The Vagina: A cave of mystery we are yet to fully understand. We do know it shoots lady goo and urine, but the jury is still out on honey mustard and mayonnaise. Several mystery characters, such as the G-spot and  the clitoris, can only be unlocked through it. But the important part is that's where the penis goes. Or, you know, so I heard.

The Female anatomy(according to fan fics) at 2:17 PM

I just want to clear any missinformation out there: what you learned in Sex Education class (or as a course ina  more general health class) is a lie. This is how the true knowers of the female body, Fan Fiction writers, have come to the conclussion the female body works.

I'm putting it after the jump because I don't want the kids to learn this stuff.

The day the prayers ended at 11:18 PM

Come on! What about THIS KING?

It happened last week. It was an otherwise completely normal morning, except for one exceptional detail: All religion ceased to exist in every part of the planet.

And it was as beautiful as you'd imagine: The birds where singing(except for those birds that whern't.) the sun was shining(except those places on the other side of the planet) and life carried on(except where it wasn't able to).

No longer did Crescent Moons, Crosses, or Pentagons represent any belief at all. No one said "Oh my God" anymore, as no one knew what that meant, but they yelled "Oh my Gosh"! which they didn't really know what meant either.

 And the preachers, the pastors, the orishas...they where gone! No one was going to mislead people into any religious ideology.

It was Sunday, I think. Feeling this brave new world, I turned on the news. It seems the religious conflict between Muslims and Jews in Palestine was over. It apparently was now a straightforward "We want all the good land, you take the shit land" conflict. No longer driven by any sense that the divine was leading them to claim land for themselves, they banked on years of respective recrimination and ethno-social differences to continue their endless struggle for the most resources. But at least is wasn't a religious battle anymore.

I put on the channel where my favorite televangelist used to be on, only to find Jenny McCarthy in a big podium, yelling about how vaccines caused every disease under the sun. The crowd watched intently as McCarthy yelled and condemned and welcomed and scorned. She was clearly a very charismatic woman, despite having the IQ and the medical knowledge of  a Playboy Model. Good to see her using it on things that aren't Religious. She clearly had a following.

She Blinded me with (pseudo)science!

When I changed it, I beheld a well dressed man who was telling a crowd that America had destroyed it's own economy in a devastating attack on itself to start war on several middle eastern countries. He had a pretty big following, too. Which is pretty amazing, for a guy whose theories are that things that aren't supposed to happen happening means the U.S. government is involved somehow.

But oh, the sciences! Without religion around anymore, nobody was able to stop wondrous scientific achievements. I mean, aside from petty bickering between scientists. And lack of funding. And competition. And...you know, the stuff that stops science today. That isn't religion.

And people loved, yet they also still hated. And people cried, yet where also known to laugh. And people where people, and corporations where people, too. Aren't human rights wonderful with religion out of the picture?

And I realized this new world was much different than mine. The names where different.  The Statue of Liberty was no longer based on "Libertas". And everyone acknowledged how awesome the Ancient Greeks where for being gay, and not just for subjugating most of the known world to a xenophobic regime in which only Greek Men had rights. I mean, gayness makes imperialism and slavery ok.

Aww, I can't stay mad at you for subjugating us, you saucy Greek Queen, you!

I get the appeal of a world like this, where changing one detail makes everything better, regardless of where everything came from. I used to have that, but of religion. I guess that's over now. I guess I can want anything to make the world better. Marijuana? Karate? Breast Augmentations? Dinosaucers? Hey, and even if claiming the world will be better if everyone watches Dinosaucers is pretty much ridiculously optimistic at best an outright fabrication at worst, at least I'll get more people to watch Dinosaucers with me. More people doing what I do and believing what I believe is good. For me.

It was a bold new world, so I wondered what I should do now for a while. Then I figured it out.

I'll do what I planned to do from yesterday.

The day the prayers ended at 11:18 PM

Come on! What about THIS KING?

It happened last week. It was an otherwise completely normal morning, except for one exceptional detail: All religion ceased to exist in every part of the planet.

And it was as beautiful as you'd imagine: The birds where singing(except for those birds that whern't.) the sun was shining(except those places on the other side of the planet) and life carried on(except where it wasn't able to).

No longer did Crescent Moons, Crosses, or Pentagons represent any belief at all. No one said "Oh my God" anymore, as no one knew what that meant, but they yelled "Oh my Gosh"! which they didn't really know what meant either.

 And the preachers, the pastors, the orishas...they where gone! No one was going to mislead people into any religious ideology.

It was Sunday, I think. Feeling this brave new world, I turned on the news. It seems the religious conflict between Muslims and Jews in Palestine was over. It apparently was now a straightforward "We want all the good land, you take the shit land" conflict. No longer driven by any sense that the divine was leading them to claim land for themselves, they banked on years of respective recrimination and ethno-social differences to continue their endless struggle for the most resources. But at least is wasn't a religious battle anymore.

I put on the channel where my favorite televangelist used to be on, only to find Jenny McCarthy in a big podium, yelling about how vaccines caused every disease under the sun. The crowd watched intently as McCarthy yelled and condemned and welcomed and scorned. She was clearly a very charismatic woman, despite having the IQ and the medical knowledge of  a Playboy Model. Good to see her using it on things that aren't Religious. She clearly had a following.

She Blinded me with (pseudo)science!