Showing posts with label hollywood. Show all posts
Showing posts with label hollywood. Show all posts

Why "Free the Nipple" must be stopped

Song's pretty good, too.

The perceptions, they are ah-changing. I grew up in a time where drugs where DRUGS, and legalizing them in any shape or form was out of the question. And now look at this shit.  Everyone's starting to go "well, shit, that didn't work. Let's try something else."


I applaud this "try something else" approach. I might not always agree with the something elses, but I do appreciate the idea of seeing the way we approach we where taking and going "let's just think about it for a bit."

And I also like women's breasts. So you might be surprised to know Batzarro is 100 percent for serious against the "Free the Nipple" movement,  a movement seeking to de-sexualize and legalize female toplessness. Here's my totally non faceticious reasons.

Yes, the tit showing was the troubling aspect of this.


1) It would make us look stupid for spending so many years making a fuss about it.

Back in the mid 80's to mid 90's, the local tv channels apparently didn't need no Free The Nipple Movement, because they would just run American movies(and occasionally, Brazilian soaps) with nudity. For me, growing up, that was normal. When cops walk through a titty bar looking for a suspect, sometimes you'd see some boobage over there. Nothing to it.

Then in 1997 we got Cable TV.  The image was super clear and they would run cool movies every 2 days instead of every 6 months. But it stood out to me that there where no breasts. Even in moments where you knew there where supposed to be breasts, there was in their place,  black bars, mosaic effects, and other silly things. All the actual breasts where on the scrambled channel, occasionally  making themselves visible whenever only my brother was present.

Well, what happens, kids, is that there is an agency overseeing broadcasted images called the Federal Communications Commission. The FCC decides, among other things, what you can say on the radio, what you can show on TV, and how much you can fake-compete in the telecommunications business.
The FCC could, and actually did charge you 1000's of dollars for showing a nipple on the screen. This was...this is the way it is. We've deemed female nipples damaging enough to the youth psyche that we punish those who show them with hefty fines.

One day, on a widely seen football event, what was probably an accident revealed a single areola on beloved singstress Janet Jackson. After that, we decided we needed to show all live shows with a 5 second delay, just to make sure that a nipple never, ever accidentally sneaks its way into our children's eyes.

And isn't that super fuckin' stupid? YES IT IS. Who is stupid? We are stupid. Let's not even get  on to the MPAA's treatment of female nudity, and the ESRB's treatment of it.

But suddenly this group comes and declares female toplessness to be a fairly undamaging event, that no one need to worry about. Slowly but surely everyone starts seeing reason, and before you know it a bunch of states become reasonable about it.

But then, it creates a disparity. You can totally walk into Gamestop shirtless to buy games, but those games are still self-regulated to minimize nudity and sexual situations that could upset upsetable types. You're just making all the time we spent putting black bars and reducing nudity super pointless. You're shining a light on decades of our society and saying "you're being ridiculous" and being RIGHT about it. STOP IT!



So many have died!
2) It would make the Mary Sues and Stylites of the world very...confused

Sites like Mary Sue are run by prudes that don't even know they're prudes. They talk a big game about the representation of women in pop culture being important, and doing so and so being offensive and troubling, but the truth is they're deeply uncomfortable with most types of sexuality. Since they can't express anything negative about homosexuality, to make up for that they just turn around and start cutting the crust out of anything regarding straight people, to I guess try to get it to a point where no woman could possibly open  a comic book and see an image that disagrees with what they like. Or, like, look at a variant cover that's merely one of the existing options for a cover.

And so one day,for progressiveness, of all things, we "loosen up" about fem nips. I bet that the Mary Sues of the world would, at that point, be elated, because this is for progressiveness. They'd love it until the shower scenes start showing up.

You know what I mean.  If you think everyone's just gonna treat the newly freed bare breasts strictly under "Mary Sues Guidelines and Expectations Regarding Bared Female Anatomy Ideals" you're shit out of luck.  Before you know it, you'll be seeing "artistic" renderings of Supergirl and Wonder Woman's bare breasts.  Sure, Supergirl's a  minor(or hundreds of years old? Or not-even-human?), but bare breasts are not sexual anymore, so who are you gonna complain to? THE MAYOR?

So what's a site of progressive prudes to do? They want things to be liberalized, but they won't like what people do once they are freed. But it's just as well, since...

"Yaaawn"
3)It might just be the death of Pop Culture.
You know what Hollywood is scared of? You. For nearly a century, they had a tight grip on who makes what, and how he makes it, when it comes to movies in America. They knew exactly how many studios where too many, and how to deal with those who won't work within their system. They controled the theaters, they controlled retail, and they controlled movies themselves. You either worked with them, or your movie would not get any wide distribution, be shown in any amount of important theaters, and would basically be a failure.

But...then the internet came along, with the strength to carry on. And slowly but surely it's put the promotion and distribution and creation of entertainment  ever more out of the hands of Hollywood.
As I mentioned before, FTN's goals would probably create an (even wider) gap between real life and the entertainment industry's standards.

But the Internet would not have the wait. I'm pretty sure a new exploitation genre would dawn upon nipples being freed, and all on the Youtube, which already has a monetization  system. I'm pretty sure if there was a free knock off Avengers Age of Ultron, where fake Ultrons where all topless women...I'd watch THAT one at least 5 times!

Hollywood has used "the fear of nudity" to exert control over movies for so long, I think they'd die if they couldn't, and had to actually compete toe to toe with unhindered productions while they pitifully try to decide if "that is PG 13".

Gotta save somethin' for the ladies, after all.
4) You're ruining the classics!
One thing's for sure: Nudity is totally ok when known artists from the 15th century do it. We take old, classic art with the presumption that nobody back then was just a horndog  who just wanted to see sexy naked ladies. And it's old, so you know it's edifying. Not like CURRENT art, where you're supposed to take in with the STUPID context of STUPID, current society. Bleh.

So basically, nudity was a niche that we allowed "old classics" to carve for themselves, while coming down on current works for being "exploitative" of nudity. Nudity is the only thing a lot of these old art things have going for it, and basically if they do it it's for real art, and if Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen does it, it's because it's written with a 14 year old's understanding of the world.

But what happens when ANY art can have nudity on it, and thrive?  What happens when a music video allows itself to have nudity and still run with the VEVO crowd? I'll tell you what happens: we don't have any real reason to assume  hundreds of year old paintings doing nudity are "for the art".
You don't want the old painters to be seen for what they really are, right? Openly exploiting the attractiveness the female body has towards  male audiences? You know I'm right.

5) How are we supposed to know which sites are porn and which aren't?

In our current society, there's two kinds of sites: those that show the titties, and those that don't.
Youtube, for example, won't show the titties, officially. Sure, you can find them if you look hard enough, but on the whole, there's no titties. Just like there's no copyrighted content.

Youporn, whoever, does show the titties. For most intents and purposes, Youporn is like a youtube where you can download the videos. And all the videos are porn, I guess.

As you can tell, we can easilly tell which site is a pornographic site  and which is just a site where occasionally pornography occurs. You can't go to Youporn and mistake it for anything else. You will see banners filled with tits, and fellatio and ridiculously huge dicks. It's a pretty clear line.

Once you say "nipples are okay", though, the line gets all blurry. Youtube won't be able to just say "this one has tits on it, it's a no-go". They'll have to see the whole thing and decide, video per video, if what is being shown is pornography, and just "art". And you know they'd rather make an automatized nipple detection function and just get it over with.

What if it's two asian coeds making out with no shirt? There's lots of "making out" videos on youtube, such as this:

What if you do the same thing, but with no shirt? Is making out with no shirt more sexual? It SHOULDN'T BE, because bare breasts are not sexual as per the premise. When does it become porn? If they touch them?  If they suck them? Penetration? Stupid sax music?

What if it's a video of a grown person drinking the woman's breast milk? Is it porn automatically? When isn't it? It's something that happens. That's how The Grapes of Wrath ended! But what if my version of The Grapes of Wrath switched out the characters for sexy asians?

We're pretty sure we don't want 5 year olds to find out about motorboating through some recommended thumbnail on the Barney video his mother put him  on. This would force us to examine our perception of what pornography actually is, and how it affects our children. So why not just leave it as it is, brah. Don't rock the teta boat! Don't...

...Actually, I'm in favor of all those things, and even the actual reasons behind FTN. Go get them!


Michael Bay makes true on dumb jokes again, gets Megan Fox Ninja Turtles role




So it turns out Michael Benjamin Bay has welcomed back Megan Fox for the Ninja Turtles movie he'stotally just a producer for, a move I would not have made a joke about because it  would have seemed too stupid.

Megan Fox, known for her role of "Mikaela", on the Transformer's movies, and being booted of those movies for comparing her director to  Hitler (Well, they both caused a lot of explosions and battles that could hardly be seen, okay?), is probably the least important she's been ever since "Jennifer's Body" tanked, and yet here she is, probably playing April O'Neil. Because really, what else is she gonna play, Krang?   During the inexplicable height of her fame (I mean, she's a model who got hired for a huge blockbuster. When did that equal "sexiest woman in the world?") I might have understood she getting again cast as the main female lead to an 80's cartoon franchise reboot as anything other than a barb on Bay's vocal detractors. But otherwise, it's a realization of the exact  jab those fans would have done. That Bay had to transcend a personal feud, and the fact that Megan Fox is just about out of the limelight only points out to what we've known all along.

Michael Bay hates nerds.

Michael Bay makes true on dumb jokes again, gets Megan Fox Ninja Turtles role




So it turns out Michael Benjamin Bay has welcomed back Megan Fox for the Ninja Turtles movie he'stotally just a producer for, a move I would not have made a joke about because it  would have seemed too stupid.

Megan Fox, known for her role of "Mikaela", on the Transformer's movies, and being booted of those movies for comparing her director to  Hitler (Well, they both caused a lot of explosions and battles that could hardly be seen, okay?), is probably the least important she's been ever since "Jennifer's Body" tanked, and yet here she is, probably playing April O'Neil. Because really, what else is she gonna play, Krang?   During the inexplicable height of her fame (I mean, she's a model who got hired for a huge blockbuster. When did that equal "sexiest woman in the world?") I might have understood she getting again cast as the main female lead to an 80's cartoon franchise reboot as anything other than a barb on Bay's vocal detractors. But otherwise, it's a realization of the exact  jab those fans would have done. That Bay had to transcend a personal feud, and the fact that Megan Fox is just about out of the limelight only points out to what we've known all along.

Michael Bay hates nerds.

RE: the Hungry Hungry Hippos movie

Seriously, if Robin WIlliams hasn't been yet cast, it is a matter of time.


  This is an open letter to the employee or employees of Emmet/ Furla/Hasbro who thought it was a sound idea to make a Hungry Hungry Hippos movie.  

Perhaps you are surprised. You might be wondering why people are shocked. Didn't we all love Hungry Hungry Hippos? Didnt we all play it as kids? Doesn't that mean we'd all watch a Hungry Hungry Hippos animated film by default?

Did you not see the result of this line of thinking with Battleship? In case you didn't, here is a less apt metaphor: you know most people in the western world are familiar with? Toasters. Whoever hasn't owned has has at least seen one on TV. Do you think that's a built in audience? Do you think if you announce a movie about toasters it  will bring all toaster enthusiasts?
Can we keep the Christ Parallels to a minimum, please?

And yes, there was an animated film about a toaster and it did generate some revenue. But it wasn't because people thought toasters are cool.The fallacious thinking that just because people are aware of the name of something they will see it, and that the movie will drive sales of the toys was,in fact, questioned earlier when  it was revealed Transformers: Dancing in the Dark was revealed to have not sold as many toys as they expected. And the TF brand has a pretty strong market penetration, too. Perhaps this was because Transformers falied to produce enought "Sprint action Sam Witwickeys" and "Penis Joke soundchip Ken Jeong". You can't sell kids the the character without SELLING kids the character.That's how Transformers cartoons worked. It sold ALL the characters, not just 2.

So Hippos: it will probably land between decent and mediocre which, lets face it, is pretty good when you consider the source material is THIS HIPPOS ARE HUNGRY, THEY EAT A LOT.  So what's our problem? It's not like you can "ruin" Hippos with anything other than not making them Hippos or Hungry. It could be a depressing gritty noir tale of absolution and It'd still be accurate if the lead character is called "John Hippo" and had at last one scene in front of an all you can eat buffet.

The problem is that the idea of a Hungry Hungry Hippos  movie has been a joke in the same way you might say putting 1000 monkeys in front of a 1000 typewriters can create a masterpiece. We're watching you send off for the shipment of typewriters and monkey ownership permits, fully expecting the 21rst century King Lear, apparently unaware as everyone who knew this wasn't a litteral expression . Can this end anything but badly?

But worstly...you are killing the parody industry. Dude, how are we supposed to mock Hollywood's tendency for adapting plotless toys and games if youkeep doing the very ideas we are mocking? Hippos was probably the last good ridiculous movie-idea joke. Are you gonna make Tetris and Chutes and Ladder And Pacman,  too? What are gonna have to do? "Pencil" the movie?  You are setting the bar of mockability unreasonably high. And that's before your movie gets trampled by a less ridiculous toy adaptation.

RE: the Hungry Hungry Hippos movie

Seriously, if Robin WIlliams hasn't been yet cast, it is a matter of time.


  This is an open letter to the employee or employees of Emmet/ Furla/Hasbro who thought it was a sound idea to make a Hungry Hungry Hippos movie.  

Perhaps you are surprised. You might be wondering why people are shocked. Didn't we all love Hungry Hungry Hippos? Didnt we all play it as kids? Doesn't that mean we'd all watch a Hungry Hungry Hippos animated film by default?

Did you not see the result of this line of thinking with Battleship? In case you didn't, here is a less apt metaphor: you know most people in the western world are familiar with? Toasters. Whoever hasn't owned has has at least seen one on TV. Do you think that's a built in audience? Do you think if you announce a movie about toasters it  will bring all toaster enthusiasts?
Can we keep the Christ Parallels to a minimum, please?

And yes, there was an animated film about a toaster and it did generate some revenue. But it wasn't because people thought toasters are cool.The fallacious thinking that just because people are aware of the name of something they will see it, and that the movie will drive sales of the toys was,in fact, questioned earlier when  it was revealed Transformers: Dancing in the Dark was revealed to have not sold as many toys as they expected. And the TF brand has a pretty strong market penetration, too. Perhaps this was because Transformers falied to produce enought "Sprint action Sam Witwickeys" and "Penis Joke soundchip Ken Jeong". You can't sell kids the the character without SELLING kids the character.That's how Transformers cartoons worked. It sold ALL the characters, not just 2.

So Hippos: it will probably land between decent and mediocre which, lets face it, is pretty good when you consider the source material is THIS HIPPOS ARE HUNGRY, THEY EAT A LOT.  So what's our problem? It's not like you can "ruin" Hippos with anything other than not making them Hippos or Hungry. It could be a depressing gritty noir tale of absolution and It'd still be accurate if the lead character is called "John Hippo" and had at last one scene in front of an all you can eat buffet.

The problem is that the idea of a Hungry Hungry Hippos  movie has been a joke in the same way you might say putting 1000 monkeys in front of a 1000 typewriters can create a masterpiece. We're watching you send off for the shipment of typewriters and monkey ownership permits, fully expecting the 21rst century King Lear, apparently unaware as everyone who knew this wasn't a litteral expression . Can this end anything but badly?

But worstly...you are killing the parody industry. Dude, how are we supposed to mock Hollywood's tendency for adapting plotless toys and games if youkeep doing the very ideas we are mocking? Hippos was probably the last good ridiculous movie-idea joke. Are you gonna make Tetris and Chutes and Ladder And Pacman,  too? What are gonna have to do? "Pencil" the movie?  You are setting the bar of mockability unreasonably high. And that's before your movie gets trampled by a less ridiculous toy adaptation.

6 Videogame movies that didn't live to be bad

Not how animation is directed.

Folks, the track record of videogame adaptations is a subject we're all painfully aware off. But making a movie isn't easy. It takes money, which you get on loan from movie execs who want to make their money, too, and  if they give you the cash, they want to make sure you do it "right". Right is...something they aren't often good as.
Like in the Movies! Remember that? No? Only me, huh? How about Freedom Force?

Due to this nature of the film industry, many planned films never get made, even if rights to  franchise are acquired, or if actors are attached to contracts or if a film is already half made. A movie has to clear technical hurdles, budget issues, scheduling issues, and simple petty behavior from above before they can get to the silver screens as it is more practical to cancel a movie than to try and fix it as it goes. Video Game movies are not exempt from this, which you might disagree with when you see drek like Bloodrayne 3 sneak itself on unsuspecting ...are there still videostores? Regardless, here are some  videogame movies that never existed, so we can't know how much they sucked.

Fear Effect


A magazine!  Wow, this was a long time ago.
This game  series  was known for titillating "Mature" content, cardio based health system and because it had an early version of the Mass Effect options, if only to open your towel.
Wow! Shake those polygons!

However, shadow-over-the-land Uwe Boll got the rights to Fear Effect  with the promise of getting the rights to Hitman if he bought the first. However, he dropped the film when the promise of rights to Hitman never  materialized.  Which is for the best, because if a franchise isn't good enough to unload on The Boll, I don't want to see what mangled remain of a film he would have made.



Duke Nukem

Tits-reference-tits
Back in 2001, before Duke Nukem made jokes instead of being one,  someone actually got the rights to do a movie based on the square jawed enemy of Captain Planet ersatz action hero setting it in a PG 13 range.

However, unlike the game, we know better than to expect the product to be released over a decade later. during the 10 years that ensued, they probably lost the rights .  Your best for a Duke Nukem film is just to watch They Live, Evil Dead, and Fifth Element while huffing paint. Don't worry, you'll come up with Duke Nukem eventually.


Perfect Dark

Out of the way! Trying to read the title, here!
It is true: the game adaptation of N64 and Xbox spy series  was underway many gears ago, when the rights where acquired. However, not much was heard since from the cinematical adventures of Joanna Dark. Isn't  it weird how videogames have that many more female leads than movies?


Soul Calibur
Heh. I guess my photoshop skills WHERE bad.

The cancelled Soul Calibur film that was supposed to be  released a couple of years ago never resurfaced. Rumors of a plot involving twins fighting against an evil prince and also of the movie starring  Isabella "Ivy" Valentine alias "Growing Up Ivy".

Personally, as much as I would relish some Samurai vs Knight action, I wonder  how much of a stretch it is to find a guy who can do it proper. If they can't do Tekken right, I don't think they should touch Soul Calibur.

Metal Gear
Well, did you snake or not?

The stealth game/cutscene  delivery system is known for it's cinematic flair, so it's not surprising they eventually tried to work it into a movie. But Snake's voice David Hayter, who worked on the script confirmed the movie got stuck on the way.  Which... well, he wrote this too, so maybe it's better if he don't.

Call of Duty: 3 Bar combat
Call of Duty
Defying all  logic, Activision filed a trademark which sparked rumors of a Call of Duty movie. Which...really? Are you so desperate to have name recognition that you need to name your  war movies after games.  Thankfully, this dreadful idea has been MIA for quite some time.



6 Videogame movies that didn't live to be bad

Not how animation is directed.

Folks, the track record of videogame adaptations is a subject we're all painfully aware off. But making a movie isn't easy. It takes money, which you get on loan from movie execs who want to make their money, too, and  if they give you the cash, they want to make sure you do it "right". Right is...something they aren't often good as.
Like in the Movies! Remember that? No? Only me, huh? How about Freedom Force?

Due to this nature of the film industry, many planned films never get made, even if rights to  franchise are acquired, or if actors are attached to contracts or if a film is already half made. A movie has to clear technical hurdles, budget issues, scheduling issues, and simple petty behavior from above before they can get to the silver screens as it is more practical to cancel a movie than to try and fix it as it goes. Video Game movies are not exempt from this, which you might disagree with when you see drek like Bloodrayne 3 sneak itself on unsuspecting ...are there still videostores? Regardless, here are some  videogame movies that never existed, so we can't know how much they sucked.

Fear Effect


A magazine!  Wow, this was a long time ago.
This game  series  was known for titillating "Mature" content, cardio based health system and because it had an early version of the Mass Effect options, if only to open your towel.
Wow! Shake those polygons!

However, shadow-over-the-land Uwe Boll got the rights to Fear Effect  with the promise of getting the rights to Hitman if he bought the first. However, he dropped the film when the promise of rights to Hitman never  materialized.  Which is for the best, because if a franchise isn't good enough to unload on The Boll, I don't want to see what mangled remain of a film he would have made.


What are you guys watching?