Game Kata: Batman Forever at 1:51 PM

CINEFUSION!

When I started on this Innernet shet, I was under the understanding that, whatever I could come up with, somebody had probably already done it, but harder and faster than me, you know? I mean,  you got thousands of people out there obsessing over the same stuff as you: invariably somebody's bound to have had the same idea.

That's why this blog is focused on obscure stuff and not spur of the moment "Disney just announce SOMETHING" type news regurgitation. You can't out-Io9 Io9, you know?

But I guess I was wrong. You see, I am doing research on fighitng game special moves for a project. The project is a fighting game and the research is ripping off  every cool special move out there.

So naturally I set out to look for compilations of special moves. I mean, surely there has to be a lot of those.

Except there aren't. There's  quite a bit hyper or super move compilations for the games that do have those, sometimes confusingly calling those special moves, because I don't know.

I want to look at Shaq Fu's and Time Killer's special moves without, you know, playing those awful games. That so hard?

And so, Batzarro brings YOU...Game Kata. Where I show you all the special moves in a fighting game. For research and archival purposes.



In our first episode...not a fighting game. Batman Forever certainly felt like a fighting game, specifically Mortal Kombat. However, there IS  a training/vs mode that let's players duke it out not only as Batman and Robin, but also as most enemies from the game. I want to thank Vortexspin for putting the guide online, although some of the moves were wrong and others were missing. Be sure to let me know about how I "forgot" about them and playing as Sugar, too. I also "forgot" about Riddler, be sure to let me know! How forgetful I can be.

As for Batman and Robin, their video will be separate. They had their pick of gadgets, which were used with special move motions.  I probably need a whole video just to trying out the different gatgets.

So when it comes to ripping off moves, I think Riddler Thug's delayed acid drip and Thug 2's spikes version are pretty original and interesting, and seem good to set up a trap for a player.  And RThug's black hole attack seems pretty neat, although in this game it doesn't seem to be as deadly as it could be.


On the other end of things Spice's flying kick is damn near useless because of collission issues, and an opponent would need to be damn well stationary to get hit by it. Thug 1's pin move probably can't help if you aren't playing co-op.


The idea of 2 Face having different moves depending on which side he's facing seems interesting. But the moves are so dissimilar that it's more confusing than anything.  And the way Thug 1 uses  a chainsaw as a motorcycle and a gun is only slightly less hilarious than the way he uses it to castrate his opponent.

Overall, this mode of play in this game is an interesting addition, as the adventure parts of the game are pretty terrible. However, it is not fleshed out enough, and such an afterthought that it's practically hidden from players. Player 1 can't play as Robin or Sugar, and similarly P2 can't play as Batman or Spice. If it had been treated as a fully fledged multiplayer vs mode, and not as training  for the awful single player experience, it might me more noteworthy. These guys obviously wanted to make a fighting game, I don't see why didn't just do that, instead of making a half-hearted precursor to Mortal Kombat Mythologies.

RE: the Hungry Hungry Hippos movie at 11:20 AM

Seriously, if Robin WIlliams hasn't been yet cast, it is a matter of time.

  This is an open letter to the employee or employees of Emmet/ Furla/Hasbro who thought it was a sound idea to make a Hungry Hungry Hippos movie.  

Perhaps you are surprised. You might be wondering why people are shocked. Didn't we all love Hungry Hungry Hippos? Didnt we all play it as kids? Doesn't that mean we'd all watch a Hungry Hungry Hippos animated film by default?

Did you not see the result of this line of thinking with Battleship? In case you didn't, here is a less apt metaphor: you know most people in the western world are familiar with? Toasters. Whoever hasn't owned has has at least seen one on TV. Do you think that's a built in audience? Do you think if you announce a movie about toasters it  will bring all toaster enthusiasts?

Can we keep the Christ Parallels to a minimum, please?

And yes, there was an animated film about a toaster and it did generate some revenue. But it wasn't because people thought toasters are cool.The fallacious thinking that just because people are aware of the name of something they will see it, and that the movie will drive sales of the toys was,in fact, questioned earlier when  it was revealed Transformers: Dancing in the Dark was revealed to have not sold as many toys as they expected. And the TF brand has a pretty strong market penetration, too. Perhaps this was because Transformers falied to produce enought "Sprint action Sam Witwickeys" and "Penis Joke soundchip Ken Jeong". You can't sell kids the the character without SELLING kids the character.That's how Transformers cartoons worked. It sold ALL the characters, not just 2.

So Hippos: it will probably land between decent and mediocre which, lets face it, is pretty good when you consider the source material is THIS HIPPOS ARE HUNGRY, THEY EAT A LOT.  So what's our problem? It's not like you can "ruin" Hippos with anything other than not making them Hippos or Hungry. It could be a depressing gritty noir tale of absolution and It'd still be accurate if the lead character is called "John Hippo" and had at last one scene in front of an all you can eat buffet.

The problem is that the idea of a Hungry Hungry Hippos  movie has been a joke in the same way you might say putting 1000 monkeys in front of a 1000 typewriters can create a masterpiece. We're watching you send off for the shipment of typewriters and monkey ownership permits, fully expecting the 21rst century King Lear, apparently unaware as everyone who knew this wasn't a litteral expression . Can this end anything but badly?

But worstly...you are killing the parody industry. Dude, how are we supposed to mock Hollywood's tendency for adapting plotless toys and games if youkeep doing the very ideas we are mocking? Hippos was probably the last good ridiculous movie-idea joke. Are you gonna make Tetris and Chutes and Ladder And Pacman,  too? What are gonna have to do? "Pencil" the movie?  You are setting the bar of mockability unreasonably high. And that's before your movie gets trampled by a less ridiculous toy adaptation.

RE: the Hungry Hungry Hippos movie at 11:20 AM

Seriously, if Robin WIlliams hasn't been yet cast, it is a matter of time.

  This is an open letter to the employee or employees of Emmet/ Furla/Hasbro who thought it was a sound idea to make a Hungry Hungry Hippos movie.  

Perhaps you are surprised. You might be wondering why people are shocked. Didn't we all love Hungry Hungry Hippos? Didnt we all play it as kids? Doesn't that mean we'd all watch a Hungry Hungry Hippos animated film by default?

Did you not see the result of this line of thinking with Battleship? In case you didn't, here is a less apt metaphor: you know most people in the western world are familiar with? Toasters. Whoever hasn't owned has has at least seen one on TV. Do you think that's a built in audience? Do you think if you announce a movie about toasters it  will bring all toaster enthusiasts?

Can we keep the Christ Parallels to a minimum, please?

And yes, there was an animated film about a toaster and it did generate some revenue. But it wasn't because people thought toasters are cool.The fallacious thinking that just because people are aware of the name of something they will see it, and that the movie will drive sales of the toys was,in fact, questioned earlier when  it was revealed Transformers: Dancing in the Dark was revealed to have not sold as many toys as they expected. And the TF brand has a pretty strong market penetration, too. Perhaps this was because Transformers falied to produce enought "Sprint action Sam Witwickeys" and "Penis Joke soundchip Ken Jeong". You can't sell kids the the character without SELLING kids the character.That's how Transformers cartoons worked. It sold ALL the characters, not just 2.

So Hippos: it will probably land between decent and mediocre which, lets face it, is pretty good when you consider the source material is THIS HIPPOS ARE HUNGRY, THEY EAT A LOT.  So what's our problem? It's not like you can "ruin" Hippos with anything other than not making them Hippos or Hungry. It could be a depressing gritty noir tale of absolution and It'd still be accurate if the lead character is called "John Hippo" and had at last one scene in front of an all you can eat buffet.

The problem is that the idea of a Hungry Hungry Hippos  movie has been a joke in the same way you might say putting 1000 monkeys in front of a 1000 typewriters can create a masterpiece. We're watching you send off for the shipment of typewriters and monkey ownership permits, fully expecting the 21rst century King Lear, apparently unaware as everyone who knew this wasn't a litteral expression . Can this end anything but badly?

But worstly...you are killing the parody industry. Dude, how are we supposed to mock Hollywood's tendency for adapting plotless toys and games if youkeep doing the very ideas we are mocking? Hippos was probably the last good ridiculous movie-idea joke. Are you gonna make Tetris and Chutes and Ladder And Pacman,  too? What are gonna have to do? "Pencil" the movie?  You are setting the bar of mockability unreasonably high. And that's before your movie gets trampled by a less ridiculous toy adaptation.

The Problem with Michael Bay at 2:45 PM

The state of your shit is: REAL For illegal paramilitary foreign action, press 1, to say a catchphrase, press 2, to hear all options...

There have been many  words shed about the recent, disheartening Ninja Turtles script leak. I was sitting at the fence of this one topic, thought not out of choice. I had written previously a long article about the silliness of changing the Mutants to Aliens, but I never got it on time.

It raped my childhood DURING MY CHILDHOOD!

It wasn't the change per se. At it's core, we have to understand that TMNT has been readapted a crazy amount of times for a franchise that isn't that old. It's got more adaptations and origins and reboots that most franchises have in their entire history. In it's short existence, there have been less years than there aren't TMNT products present in some form of media than not.

And it's somehow almost never wrong. The Original comics and the 80s Cartoon are, at a glance, ridiculously different, and while many argue that the toon is a disservice to the books, both have their fans. The 2k3 series is quite different from both of those, and it stoll found it's adepts. The more grounded Live action movies are quite a leap from the magic warrior fest of the CG movie, and it's not the difference makes either of those bad.

Happy 300th post!

In essence, the Turtles are a malleable franchise. Which is why I thought perhaps this alien thing was much ado about nothing. Besides, Bay isn't even directing this thing! I kinda liked Battle: L.A.

But here's the thing: Look at the filmography of Francis Ford Coppola. Now look at  John Mc Tiernan's. Now Look at Michale Bay's. Do not compare the quality of the films(please, don't. For your own sake). Compare the variety of them.

Michael Bay  at some point got enough money and clout to do whatever kinds of films he wanted.  Surely, it must not have been an entirely mercenary desition to enter the movie world? There must be somethings that Michael Bay likes that he's rather make a film about? Why yes there are. Of his eleven directed movies, none of them do not contain:

America(playing the best-country-in-the-world angle)

Beautiful Cars(that are also paying Michael Bay by being onscreen)

Beautiful Women(that I'm sure some of them at least sleep with him.)

Over the Top action( by over-the-top I mean falling from a building and walking it off.)

Military Equipment and hardware

Juvenile Humor

 There is no problem with any of those things.NONE OF THOSE THINGS ARE BAD. Hell, most of them work pretty well in Bad Boys(although I think it's the only movie that stopped the whole action to show rats having sex. Seriously, what are you, 14?)


 The problem is that at a very early portion of his career, he realized that he didn't have to try to experiment. He could do the things he liked, and WE seemed to like it, judging by how much we where going to see it. The Island is a pseudo remake of an old movie where people are harvested for body parts, and he is unable to put any message about it except Boomaction! Pearl Harbor is a historical American tragedy and he can't deliver it without selling it off as WOOO AMERICA WINS! Michael Bay is not going to direct a medieval movie, because he can't get any U.S. army action in there. Michael Bay isn't  adapting any children's franchise if he can't have something humping something else.

So when you give him Transformers, or Ninja Turtles, he isn't thinking of the best way to make that story into a movie. That's priority number 56.  He's thinking how much Pro-America, how many Beautiful Cars and Beautiful Women, and Over-The Top Action and Military Equipment amd Juvenile Humor he can put in there. Because that's what he likes, and he assumes you want that too.

So it's not about the change about aliens being ridiculous anymore. This leak script proves that  Michael Benjamin Bay probably convinced the writer( who is an underling of the producer, and must follow his-er guidelines) to put all the things he likes in there. Cautious optimism isn't working out anymore. The  movie's obviously in the wrong hands, hands that shall not switch because hands payed money for it.

So if your like I was , and have not given up on all possibility that the future movie would be at least possibly not as bad as it could be, take heed: Michael Bay is no fan, Michael Bay is no artist, Michael Bay is no innovator, and Michael Bay only cares about Michael Bay. He's to hollow to put some heart into it, too selfish to just do his own fantasy franchise, and the only thing between him and the movie he wants is aparently us. Huh.

Stop him?

The Problem with Michael Bay at 2:45 PM

The state of your shit is: REAL For illegal paramilitary foreign action, press 1, to say a catchphrase, press 2, to hear all options...

There have been many  words shed about the recent, disheartening Ninja Turtles script leak. I was sitting at the fence of this one topic, thought not out of choice. I had written previously a long article about the silliness of changing the Mutants to Aliens, but I never got it on time.

It raped my childhood DURING MY CHILDHOOD!

It wasn't the change per se. At it's core, we have to understand that TMNT has been readapted a crazy amount of times for a franchise that isn't that old. It's got more adaptations and origins and reboots that most franchises have in their entire history. In it's short existence, there have been less years than there aren't TMNT products present in some form of media than not.

And it's somehow almost never wrong. The Original comics and the 80s Cartoon are, at a glance, ridiculously different, and while many argue that the toon is a disservice to the books, both have their fans. The 2k3 series is quite different from both of those, and it stoll found it's adepts. The more grounded Live action movies are quite a leap from the magic warrior fest of the CG movie, and it's not the difference makes either of those bad.

Happy 300th post!

In essence, the Turtles are a malleable franchise. Which is why I thought perhaps this alien thing was much ado about nothing. Besides, Bay isn't even directing this thing! I kinda liked Battle: L.A.

But here's the thing: Look at the filmography of Francis Ford Coppola. Now look at  John Mc Tiernan's. Now Look at Michale Bay's. Do not compare the quality of the films(please, don't. For your own sake). Compare the variety of them.

Michael Bay  at some point got enough money and clout to do whatever kinds of films he wanted.  Surely, it must not have been an entirely mercenary desition to enter the movie world? There must be somethings that Michael Bay likes that he's rather make a film about? Why yes there are. Of his eleven directed movies, none of them do not contain:

America(playing the best-country-in-the-world angle)

Beautiful Cars(that are also paying Michael Bay by being onscreen)

Beautiful Women(that I'm sure some of them at least sleep with him.)

Over the Top action( by over-the-top I mean falling from a building and walking it off.)

Military Equipment and hardware

Juvenile Humor

 There is no problem with any of those things.NONE OF THOSE THINGS ARE BAD. Hell, most of them work pretty well in Bad Boys(although I think it's the only movie that stopped the whole action to show rats having sex. Seriously, what are you, 14?)


 The problem is that at a very early portion of his career, he realized that he didn't have to try to experiment. He could do the things he liked, and WE seemed to like it, judging by how much we where going to see it. The Island is a pseudo remake of an old movie where people are harvested for body parts, and he is unable to put any message about it except Boomaction! Pearl Harbor is a historical American tragedy and he can't deliver it without selling it off as WOOO AMERICA WINS! Michael Bay is not going to direct a medieval movie, because he can't get any U.S. army action in there. Michael Bay isn't  adapting any children's franchise if he can't have something humping something else.

So when you give him Transformers, or Ninja Turtles, he isn't thinking of the best way to make that story into a movie. That's priority number 56.  He's thinking how much Pro-America, how many Beautiful Cars and Beautiful Women, and Over-The Top Action and Military Equipment amd Juvenile Humor he can put in there. Because that's what he likes, and he assumes you want that too.

So it's not about the change about aliens being ridiculous anymore. This leak script proves that  Michael Benjamin Bay probably convinced the writer( who is an underling of the producer, and must follow his-er guidelines) to put all the things he likes in there. Cautious optimism isn't working out anymore. The  movie's obviously in the wrong hands, hands that shall not switch because hands payed money for it.

So if your like I was , and have not given up on all possibility that the future movie would be at least possibly not as bad as it could be, take heed: Michael Bay is no fan, Michael Bay is no artist, Michael Bay is no innovator, and Michael Bay only cares about Michael Bay. He's to hollow to put some heart into it, too selfish to just do his own fantasy franchise, and the only thing between him and the movie he wants is aparently us. Huh.

Stop him?

THIS BLOOD'S FOR YOU! at 10:23 AM

"Lesse...Puch, pouch, pouch, pouch, gun, gun, gun, gun guuuun...sword, sword sword, sword dagger, boom! New character!"

We should count ourselves lucky. Used to be  superhero adaptations to the big screens ran into 3 key stumbling blocks, and most never rose up from there: "How could we put this on the big screen?" "How do we change this so its not stupid anymore?" and tertiarylly "how much money does it take?"

Now that Hollywood found the answers they've gotten to adapting superheroes left and right. But Kick Ass  aside, most of them have been the big popular ones from the big 2.

But perhaps thats all changing soon.

Rob Liefeld, celebrated creator of Deadpool and Cable is aparently about to have one of his million 90s superhero teams optioned for the big screen. The group is Bloodstrike, a commando of vampire blood fueled super commandos. Not to be confused with Youngblood, another Liefield team already optioned for film by complete monster Brett Ratner. Or Bloodwulf, Liefelds Lobo knockoff. Or Bloodbank, a character I just made up, but could totally be a Liefeld character.

Anyway, here is them.

Actually, I think crazy hairs up there is Bloodwulf. Maybe.

I for one cannot wait to finally see Sheeva, Wolverine and Deadpool onscreen. But I think Iron Monger and Hawkeye are lame so no praise there. I cannot wait to see Liefelds intricate original and stylistic designs come to life. Hopefully they will prove just as enduring as they where then.

THIS BLOOD'S FOR YOU! at 10:23 AM

"Lesse...Puch, pouch, pouch, pouch, gun, gun, gun, gun guuuun...sword, sword sword, sword dagger, boom! New character!"

We should count ourselves lucky. Used to be  superhero adaptations to the big screens ran into 3 key stumbling blocks, and most never rose up from there: "How could we put this on the big screen?" "How do we change this so its not stupid anymore?" and tertiarylly "how much money does it take?"

Now that Hollywood found the answers they've gotten to adapting superheroes left and right. But Kick Ass  aside, most of them have been the big popular ones from the big 2.

But perhaps thats all changing soon.

Rob Liefeld, celebrated creator of Deadpool and Cable is aparently about to have one of his million 90s superhero teams optioned for the big screen. The group is Bloodstrike, a commando of vampire blood fueled super commandos. Not to be confused with Youngblood, another Liefield team already optioned for film by complete monster Brett Ratner. Or Bloodwulf, Liefelds Lobo knockoff. Or Bloodbank, a character I just made up, but could totally be a Liefeld character.

Anyway, here is them.

Actually, I think crazy hairs up there is Bloodwulf. Maybe.

I for one cannot wait to finally see Sheeva, Wolverine and Deadpool onscreen. But I think Iron Monger and Hawkeye are lame so no praise there. I cannot wait to see Liefelds intricate original and stylistic designs come to life. Hopefully they will prove just as enduring as they where then.

Leaked in Early Secrets- Marvel's Dark, Tall, TALL new villain at 10:54 AM

We are so fuckin' spoiled these days...

Who didn't enjoy Marvel's Avengers movie? I'll tell you: that stupid crazy guy my brother gat paid to haul around. He's always asking if Ron Jeremy is in the Avengers. Dude, get help!

But that aside, everyone liked it, it made industrials amount of money before we even touch merchandising, and all is well in Marvel Land. Except for the books, those aren't selling.

Pachinko Wolverine is still not happy, though.

But you did not come to hear what you know, but Leaked in Early Secrets (my doctor said I should shorten it to L.I.E.S. so I don't get carpal tunnel syndrom. I don't remember if she said it while I did her and her sexy nurse at the same time, or after.) And so, get ready to hear the real, nonest for real future truth about the Marvel Universe.

If Fox doesn't start filming Daredevil anything by October 10, the rights to Daredevil return to Marvel, where  unless marvel stops making money and they sell it, it shall stay until the mountains wither and the rivers stop. And so, Marvel is already eyeing  the juicy, fruitful Daredevil fanchise for a future movie, right?

Oh, no! Marvel already has all the movies it needs set up to come out in the next few years. And let's face it, If Marvel wanted a street level hero, they've plenty of choice.

No the real sweet part of the deal is bringing back from the diaspora Daredevil's supporting cast. Guys like Kingpin, Bullseye The Hand, Elektra, and other's such have great applications within the movies and stories Marvel is already doing. So where am I going, exactly?

Jennifer Garner is cool, but crude, and Ben Affle-eck, is a party dude!

Well, I tilted my antenna just north of south(I'm bein litterall, I have antenna on my head), and I hear from my sources that whatever preliminary story work on Avengers 2 is being reworked to this new possibility. Thanos is being relegated to the Guardians of the Galaxy, and instead, the main badguy for Avengers is set to be the BIGGEST THREAT OF ALL! A REAL TALL ORDER OF A NASTY! THE ONE WHO LOOKS DOWN ON ALL THE HEROES! STILT-MAN!

Coming this Fall...

Wilbur Day, is a scientists assistant, who steals the invention and uses it to steal even more as the Stiltman, having incredible heights, enhanced durability, and affecting the probablity field of carnivals to make them less boring.

At the end of Captain America 2 they already have a teaser planned out, where Bucky, Cap and The Falcon are enjoying themselves at a circus, when they sort of look up and the ominous shadow of the Stiltman looms over them. There's gonna be a scene in Ironman where Tony Stark is making out with Pepper Potts in the 5th Floor of a hotel, and  STILT-MAN'S HEAD CAN BE SEEN PASSING BY THE WINDOW, UNCONCERNED!

Course, at the end of Avengers 2 Stilt-man calls into a Helicarrier's Intake and explodes, and we see his  funeral, we get a glimpse of his wife, and the following exchange ensues:


Maria Hill: Excuse me, lady? 

Glenda Day: "Lady?"

Maria Hill: We have questions about your husband, Stilt-man.

Glenda Wise: My husband's name was Wilbur day.

Maria Hill: He killed Black Panther and died a monster, lady. He was a monster.

Glenda Day: And I was his wife.  Ms Stilt-Man. Lady Stilt-man!


Wowser! Are yo excited, cuz I'm excited! It's unbelievable.  I mean, hardly believable at all. So great! And so, remember: I cannot tell a lie, but I can tell  many L.I.E.S.! Batzarro AWAY!

Leaked in Early Secrets- Marvel's Dark, Tall, TALL new villain at 10:54 AM

We are so fuckin' spoiled these days...

Who didn't enjoy Marvel's Avengers movie? I'll tell you: that stupid crazy guy my brother gat paid to haul around. He's always asking if Ron Jeremy is in the Avengers. Dude, get help!

But that aside, everyone liked it, it made industrials amount of money before we even touch merchandising, and all is well in Marvel Land. Except for the books, those aren't selling.

Pachinko Wolverine is still not happy, though.

But you did not come to hear what you know, but Leaked in Early Secrets (my doctor said I should shorten it to L.I.E.S. so I don't get carpal tunnel syndrom. I don't remember if she said it while I did her and her sexy nurse at the same time, or after.) And so, get ready to hear the real, nonest for real future truth about the Marvel Universe.

If Fox doesn't start filming Daredevil anything by October 10, the rights to Daredevil return to Marvel, where  unless marvel stops making money and they sell it, it shall stay until the mountains wither and the rivers stop. And so, Marvel is already eyeing  the juicy, fruitful Daredevil fanchise for a future movie, right?

Oh, no! Marvel already has all the movies it needs set up to come out in the next few years. And let's face it, If Marvel wanted a street level hero, they've plenty of choice.

No the real sweet part of the deal is bringing back from the diaspora Daredevil's supporting cast. Guys like Kingpin, Bullseye The Hand, Elektra, and other's such have great applications within the movies and stories Marvel is already doing. So where am I going, exactly?

Jennifer Garner is cool, but crude, and Ben Affle-eck, is a party dude!

Well, I tilted my antenna just north of south(I'm bein litterall, I have antenna on my head), and I hear from my sources that whatever preliminary story work on Avengers 2 is being reworked to this new possibility. Thanos is being relegated to the Guardians of the Galaxy, and instead, the main badguy for Avengers is set to be the BIGGEST THREAT OF ALL! A REAL TALL ORDER OF A NASTY! THE ONE WHO LOOKS DOWN ON ALL THE HEROES! STILT-MAN!

Batman: Arkham Shitty at 11:22 AM

Oh. Acclaim. Why am I not surprised?

I heard you, guys. I wasn't on the internet, but I heard. You where talking about Batman Arkham City, the first game that apparently succeeds at the whole "Now you're Batman, in a wide open city, beating up  goons" thing.

I mean, let's face it, most Batman games have been deeply ingrained in preexisting genres like "Beat-Em-Up" or Racing"". That doesn't make them BAD games (being bad games made them bad games), but in terms of immersing you into the cowl and tights live of the Goddamn Batman, it felt a little...lacking. That is, until someone finally tried to give us the full Batman experience in  1998s movie tie-in "Batman and Robin" for the Playstation.

Hey, I said "tried". TRIED.

The interactive spawn of the filmic marketing machine that  put the lucrative Batman franchise out of theaters for 7 years, Batman and Robin  is a full on sim, with Bat Computer antics in the Batcave,  Batmobile driving down Gotham Park,  and the actual score from the actual movie. That last part is sort of amazing in the context that Spider-Man games always had this...stock music that felt like a slap to the face to the tunes Danny Elfman strung together. And hey, I do like Eliot Goldenthal's score for Batman and Robin. So sue me!

Be nice to the new neighbors, dear. They just went through a reboot...

However, the game is so poorly constructed, that any joy, even ironic, that could be derived is quickly smashed under the weight of some pretty garbage gameplay.

The game opens to a CG Full Motion pre-rendered Video of Gotham, where Mr Freeze is coming from underground in his Freezemobile as his minions  also drive recklessly in the streets. I guess this isn't crazy, considering his plan is to  burst into a museum to steal a diamond, Ice skate for a bit,  then use a rocket (with a bomb in it) to blast  off into the sky, then glide down on butterfly wings. He should have gone to Africa, where there's lots of diamonds and no Batman. Oh, well... there is one now, but not back then.

He did give me a sign. Now... to wait until he hits me more time.

Then Batman is in the Batcave, which immediately leads to you controlling him. You can press a shoulder button to switch between  running and "the batman strut", and another to switch between "detective" and "insecurely punching" modes. Detective mode has the option to jump in it, for some reason. And it also has the gadgets you would want to throw at a villain's faces.

Eventually, the player wanders into the vehicle platform, where  Batman(or Robin, if you so felt inclined, by wandering into the Robin ensigned closet.) and drives of in one of the vehicles into the big city.  The city itself is sparsely populated, and most of the citizens are, as expected, eccentric  criminals. Weird clowns and dominatrix gymnasts(but not THE Weird Clown or THE Dominatrix Lady Gymnast) are loose and stalking Gotham's two other inhabitants, while the police don't even bother. Luckily Batman's car is armed with a mosquito machine gun, and he  can blast away from the safety of his cockpit. Until he runs out, that is.

However, Mr Freeze isn't just after mere jewels, and has declared a holy war on  the Dark Knight and the Boy Wonder.  Every  half a mile two cars from the movie, a motorcycle, or a kamikaze ice cream truck will try to Benazhir Bhutto your ass. Unless you get off. Then they leave you alone. This would add entertainment and excitement to what otherwise would be a quick drive to the grocery store(of crime) if it weren't that the controls for driving are awful.

Ice Cream! Death to the Batman And Ice Cream!

Seriously, the get 'into the Batmobile and drive there' part is one of the worst  virtual driving things ever. I mean, I would rather play Multi Racing Championship than drive in this. Getting your car to drive straight is an unachievable goal, and you forget about Robin's motorcycle. Forget it. You'd think since they put the effort of putting it in the game and making it a significant part of it, they'd have put the effort into making it not fucking suck.

Eventually, after finding "clues" and  picking coins out of payphones  to put them in newspaper dispenser machines to get health(yes, BILLIONAIRE playboy Bruce Wayne isn't gonna fucking pay for his own newspaper) you get into the Museum, which doesn't fully exploit the over the top scene of the movie. Mr Freeze isn't even there. It is here that, if you haven't yet been killed by Ice-cream trucks yet...you will see this.

Aww... he got a shorter one just for Barbara!

That's the game over screen for the game. One of them, at any rate. You will see it every time more than 3 of Mr Freeze's men catch you.  Every time you  press an attack button, you should hear George Clooney ask the U.N. for permission to attack the person in front of him within the next decade as long as Venezuela puts half the money.  But whenever 3 of the Freeze Faithful gang up on you, they begin what is known in fighting game culture as an "an infinite" and to your local Gamestop as "why we still sell controllers". There isn't enough health(which comes in the form of floating double helix strains. Yes, Batman is going into town picking up people's genetic material and putting it in his mouth. Why do you ask?) and the controls aren't reactive enough.  And again, since  a significant amount of options that would be useful in combat, such as jumping and drawing gadgets are on detective mode, you will have to rely on the combat actions or learn to quickly change into detective mode to get out of trouble. And the movement is tank-like, yet imprecise.

What Killt de Dynasoars? Dere Ar Diffrent Teeorees about Dee Ecksackt CAUSE but mohst scientists agrree it didn't involve DEEICE AYGE!!

Eventually, The Caped Crusader or his Loyal Liege secure the diamond before the Iceman gets to cometh. Which leads you back to the batcave, where you have some pretty useless clues about where  Freeze will strike next. The next mission is a sordidly designed jewelry store, where you are supposed to  wait until the bad guys arrive so the mission can be done. Not waiting like , at a stake out, or perched and watching the people. Waiting as in, wander around an empty jewelry.  Go ahead and trip the alarm. Then it's waiting...with an alarm blaring.

This game is stubbornly obsessed with time. With making you wait. With making you get there in time. With  clues having to be at a particular moment. I kind of get why one would do that...but in a game this poorly constructed, it just adds another layer of confusion and frustration. This is Batman and Robin, not fuckin' Shenmue!

Hurry up and die! Gotta pick up the kids at soccer practice.

But the waiting isn't the hardest part, as Mr Freeze finally shows up to grab the gem and kill the heroes. Yes. Kill them. Yes. Yes. As I stood there, in front of a shuffling model with a pixelated Arnold Schwarzenegger face on it, whiffing away,  watching him do gymnastics, I was wondering what the hell was going on.  It is then that I realized that the fighting system is truly broken. He won the first one, of course. And the next few ones, too.  Then it hit me like a thunder strike: third person fighting rules had abandoned me. Everything I knew was a lie. The only truth is that  he needed to be a good sport about me kicking him and not hit back, because my hits are no good here, but his hits  affect me. Life isn't fair, Batman.

But, yeah, our heroes steal another diamond, yet Freeze...flies away.

I actually lost the next mission. Yes, you can lose and move on, like in True Crime. I don't see why the fuck you would want to lose, but in my case, I had no choice, as wandering the latest labyrinthine jewelry store aimlessly lead to a glitch in which Freeze's  henchmen who was supposed to steal the thingie froze(ha ha) there, and made the stage unwinnable. I could have tried again. But I could also have made this paragraph  a loosely put together  chain of profanities. I didn't want to do either.

And he's single. Ladies.

However the next mission is  exactly the same, but without the glitch, and I get my chance at revenge on fucking Frosty. I don't get what difference it makes who gets a diamond or not. And why are the jewelry stores so apart?

The a small release came. I wandered behind the Robin ensigned closet and noticed yet another closet, which enabled me to play as Batgirl. I thought she would be playable in a later moment, but I guess she was here the whole time. Though her vehicle, the Batcycle, is the humblest looking of the 3, it handles the best and has the least problem surviving  the sudden goon strikes that haunt the player. That's right: in a stunning reversal, Alicia Silverstone's Barbara Pennyworth  is the least bad part of Batman and Robin: the game. Sure, she looks like Pagan and sounds like Maya, but anything that makes this experience less bad is good.

No jokes about women drivers here. Unless you consider this a joke and this thing here a woman and the steering in this game driving.

After getting myself lost AND caught saving after the game was winnable, I found the botanical garden scene. You know, I'm not a bigshot game designer, but if you're sending the player looking for something called "Botanical gardens" in a city full of flat doors...maybe don't make it look like a garage door. I've been to a Botanical Garden, and it didn't look like  that at all.

Still, big scene. You don't get to bid over the toply for a woman that came out of a monkey suit, but you do get to fight scores of henchmen. And there's icicle mines. Also, there's some thing making the floor blue that kills you. Oh, and the bad guys like to attack with grenades now. And sometimes, they come out of unexpected places. I actually came in with full health every time, and they just knocked it right out of me. I discovered blocking and rolling. Still dying. It's like a very deep game of chess where all your pieces are pawns and kings and the other player has a shotgun. Then FROSTY shows up again. I thought he was in jail? Isn't Vivica A Fox gonna show up? She's in this movie, too!

So, if you can somehow brave the crazy fucking odds...you get your shot at Mr Freeze again. And this time, he means it! He's got a device that shoots ice randomly, he's building big ice pillars atop a giant hand, and he's not afraid of kicking you into the ground and freezing you before you get up. Your first instinct might be to run up to his face and beat the shit out of him. Mine too. It failed. He can easily destroy you in 2 seconds if he gets  3 hits in. Then I tried using the batgadgets to wear him down first.  It did not work particularly well. You might try patiently trying to gather gadgets from afar to wear him down. But if you wait too much, the machine explodes and you fall down for no good reason. Touching the device hurts you. Falling is easy and sometimes you can even fall through floors. His health goes down slooow, and there's two bars that each respond to different types of attacks. There are no indicators as to what you have to do. There is no strategy here: if you won, it is a series of coincidences that strung themselves together to enable your victory. It is the perfect boss fight. For the boss I mean.

Mah emoshons mede me wick!

Or is it? Will I be able to beat this? Am I going to quit and go back to playing enjoyable games? Find out next time in Batman: Arkham Shitty 2!

Continued in part Two!

Batman: Arkham Shitty at 11:22 AM

Oh. Acclaim. Why am I not surprised?

I heard you, guys. I wasn't on the internet, but I heard. You where talking about Batman Arkham City, the first game that apparently succeeds at the whole "Now you're Batman, in a wide open city, beating up  goons" thing.

I mean, let's face it, most Batman games have been deeply ingrained in preexisting genres like "Beat-Em-Up" or Racing"". That doesn't make them BAD games (being bad games made them bad games), but in terms of immersing you into the cowl and tights live of the Goddamn Batman, it felt a little...lacking. That is, until someone finally tried to give us the full Batman experience in  1998s movie tie-in "Batman and Robin" for the Playstation.

Hey, I said "tried". TRIED.

The interactive spawn of the filmic marketing machine that  put the lucrative Batman franchise out of theaters for 7 years, Batman and Robin  is a full on sim, with Bat Computer antics in the Batcave,  Batmobile driving down Gotham Park,  and the actual score from the actual movie. That last part is sort of amazing in the context that Spider-Man games always had this...stock music that felt like a slap to the face to the tunes Danny Elfman strung together. And hey, I do like Eliot Goldenthal's score for Batman and Robin. So sue me!

Be nice to the new neighbors, dear. They just went through a reboot...

However, the game is so poorly constructed, that any joy, even ironic, that could be derived is quickly smashed under the weight of some pretty garbage gameplay.