No way you can guess what happens next...

Context: A man wants to enter a contest, but his wife knows it could be dangerous to him.
What a predicament? Is there any way she can help this people?


Daaaaaamn, son! You got helped the fuck up!
If you guessed: She socks the guys in the face and suits up as him then congratulations, Moon Girl. You-You're wonderful: please don't help me!

No way you can guess what happens next...

Context: A man wants to enter a contest, but his wife knows it could be dangerous to him.
What a predicament? Is there any way she can help this people?

4 other celebs that need their own cartoon.


Word has come up the planned animated opus known as "the Governator" is cancelled.


It is sadness all around. Mainly because it showed us our own mortality.  Our biggest action star of the 80s and 90s is a terrible decision maker and the creator of Spider-man can't even get a decent Jackie Chan Adventures-type deal going on before his brain farts out a bunch of uninspired crap with robots. The Dream is Dead!

Off course, it's not the first time  celebrities have tried have stepped into cartoon lands. Mr T did it. Chuck Norris did it.  Even Damon Wayans had one! He's not even the best Wayans!
It's K.I. He writes bad movies as traps for his siblings.

But, you know, Governator was freaking stupid. It's a generic cartoon starring Ahnuld Jokes. Really old Ahnuld Jokes. Here, I made a chart.

Now they're just trying to come up with new stuff and failin. "Sperminator?" How about some "True Lies" jokes! How about "Conan the Marriage Destroyer?" How about "End of Days(In which I hide my secret illegitimate children).
As for Old Man Stan Lee, he's been trying to make celebs into  Superheros for years, and each one has been more embarassing than the last. I guess this is only sad depending on which level of credit you are willing to give Stan Lee. For those of you looking for evidence this man is not the reason you like Spider-Man, then  haven't you given Striperella, or the Backstreet Boys stuff or the threat of that Paris Hilton thing too much control over your life?

So here's a list of celebrities that Stan Lee should get to make "Superheros" from next.

Winona Ryder
TAKE IT TAKE IT TAKE IT!
Pitch: "So Stan, you know how it is to have once been well regarded and now being relegated to cameos. Do it to Winona, but in animation. Put your penis back in your pants. Security!"
Synopsis:Winona Ryder is an actress by day, but by night she becomes the cat burglar known as "The Night Ryder!(C)". The Night Ryder must find aliens hidden on earth as expensive articles she probably could have bought during the day.



Then again, drugs often make options where none existed...
Charlie Sheen
Pitch: Say, 3 months and a half ago I read several jokes about cocaine addled, attempted murderer Charlie Sheen's drug fueled musings. I assume this will still be funny in the year this project will take to develop.
Synopsis: In a world ruled by darkness, only one man can stop evil. A rocks star from the planet mars, he has been imbued with Tiger CAN I PLEASE KILL MYSELF NOW?
Tupac Shakur
 Stuff is always less offensive when a dead guy writes it.
Pitch:You know, I think Tupac Shakur's name has only grown into legend ever since he got shot. I can only assume we can make money out of this somehow.
Synopsis: Everyone thinks Tupac died when he was fatally shot dead. His spirit lives on...as the Cosmic MC! Whenever black people are in danger, The Cosmic MC is there. He will defend the West Coast...OF THE UNIVERSE!

Sarah Palin

Kaw KAAAAAAW
Pitch: Have you ever seen this many drugs, Stan? I must have gone into 10 comas, hahahaha!  Still, we aren't paid in drugs to DO drugs. Let's see what the job is! Er...crap. I will be needing 1 more of everything...
Synopsis: Sarah Palin is a respected, apt stateswoman. There's one problem, though...the woman running for president right now is NOT Sarah Palin. The real Sarah Palin has been kidnapped by aliens and abandoned in a frozen prison planet, a clone put in her place to completely botch her chances at winning at any branch of goverment. The real Sarah Palin will use her survivalist skill, political savvy, and no nonsense attitude to rally a rebellion against her oppressors and save the earth in "Palin's Planet!"

4 other celebs that need their own cartoon.


Word has come up the planned animated opus known as "the Governator" is cancelled.


It is sadness all around. Mainly because it showed us our own mortality.  Our biggest action star of the 80s and 90s is a terrible decision maker and the creator of Spider-man can't even get a decent Jackie Chan Adventures-type deal going on before his brain farts out a bunch of uninspired crap with robots. The Dream is Dead!

Off course, it's not the first time  celebrities have tried have stepped into cartoon lands. Mr T did it. Chuck Norris did it.  Even Damon Wayans had one! He's not even the best Wayans!
It's K.I. He writes bad movies as traps for his siblings.

But, you know, Governator was freaking stupid. It's a generic cartoon starring Ahnuld Jokes. Really old Ahnuld Jokes. Here, I made a chart.

Now they're just trying to come up with new stuff and failin. "Sperminator?" How about some "True Lies" jokes! How about "Conan the Marriage Destroyer?" How about "End of Days(In which I hide my secret illegitimate children).
As for Old Man Stan Lee, he's been trying to make celebs into  Superheros for years, and each one has been more embarassing than the last. I guess this is only sad depending on which level of credit you are willing to give Stan Lee. For those of you looking for evidence this man is not the reason you like Spider-Man, then  haven't you given Striperella, or the Backstreet Boys stuff or the threat of that Paris Hilton thing too much control over your life?

So here's a list of celebrities that Stan Lee should get to make "Superheros" from next.

Winona Ryder
TAKE IT TAKE IT TAKE IT!
Pitch: "So Stan, you know how it is to have once been well regarded and now being relegated to cameos. Do it to Winona, but in animation. Put your penis back in your pants. Security!"
Synopsis:Winona Ryder is an actress by day, but by night she becomes the cat burglar known as "The Night Ryder!(C)". The Night Ryder must find aliens hidden on earth as expensive articles she probably could have bought during the day.

Conglaturations! A winner is you!

I want to congratulate my sister for her victory in an art contest. She's going to Washington for the finals.

Conglaturations! A winner is you!

I want to congratulate my sister for her victory in an art contest. She's going to Washington for the finals.

Finger-Blast Friday

A powerfull technique, the fingerblast is a powerfull and ancient technique. Learn from the masters, and soon you'll be finger-blasting your enemies into submission.

Today, the proper form is demonstrated by The Green Goblin

Spider-Man, getting Finger-Blasted by Norman Osborne


Finger-Blast Friday

A powerfull technique, the fingerblast is a powerfull and ancient technique. Learn from the masters, and soon you'll be finger-blasting your enemies into submission.

Today, the proper form is demonstrated by The Green Goblin

Spider-Man, getting Finger-Blasted by Norman Osborne


High Concept is high

"Dracula needs not of a wingman! "

High Concept is high

"Dracula needs not of a wingman! "

Lost to the Internet: Star

"And does it involve taking off more of my clothes?"


My interest in Public Domain superheroes began last year, when it came to my attention that they, in fact, exist. Emboldened with this knowledge, I've been seeking ways to exploit this characters to meet my own demands. One of the characters that most called to me is one called Moon Girl.


 (There was a joke here. The advertisers did not care for it.)

Sorry! My bad. I'll start over. Ahem....Moon Girl!
Moon Girl doesn't show ass...she stomps it.
Moon Girl is what Golden Age Wonder Woman would be like if you took out most of the crazy from it. Hailing from a distant fake land, the Moon Girl is a foreign princess who came to America to fight crime, using her magic Moonstone. The book is known for it's erratic changes in thematic and genre.
Also, a witch rides a naked mermaid. I said MOST of the crazy.

Finger-Blast Friday

The fingerblast is a powerfull and ancient technique. Learn from the masters, and soon you'll be finger-blasting your enemies into submission.

Today, the proper form is demonstrated by Tempestra

She finger-blasted that shell!

Finger-Blast Friday

The fingerblast is a powerfull and ancient technique. Learn from the masters, and soon you'll be finger-blasting your enemies into submission.

Today, the proper form is demonstrated by Tempestra

She finger-blasted that shell!

Pack your bags, kids. We're leaving.

Nasa has recently discovered a planet with similar orbital properties to earth. And they believe, from looking at it from earth, it has a shot at being habitable.

Gliese 581d sucks as  a name, though I will dub thee Mirage planet.

Now, as much as the article uses bummer words like, "inconclusive", I want to go there but yesterday. As a Megalomaniac in the making, nothing would please me more than an entire planet for me to rule. Yes, I'll make out with all of the Leopard women, but not before changing their earth mind...

However, unless we invent  faster space travel I probably won't go there, as it is 20 Light Years away from us. In rice and beans, it would take thousands of years and nobody lives that long. Even then you're just gonna find out if it's Apes, Apokolips or Eternia.

I do believe we should still go, and I've been cooking up a plan. Now, I know Nasa doesn't take  unsolicited Ideas, but hear me out?

How about if instead of sending a small crew, you send out a small community?

Instead of fussing about whether we can get there right now, let's send  a community in a bio-dome type enclosure. Eventually, space is gonna get lonely and they are gonna start having kids. And those kids will have kids. And eventually after many generations they will get to the new planet and...well, If it's a good planet they'll stay and if it's a bad planet they'll uh...you know.
Or, uh maybe, I don't know...

It's not as easy as I'm saying it. Space tourism is hard now when everyone in the ship is necessary to keep the ship in orbit. And you HAVE too keep the space society in line because you can't joke with this shit,one wrong move and you're in hell. So I'm suggesting  all social activities as well as steering of the space ark is handled by an artificial intelligence. I know movies like 2001: A Space Oddysey make us fear having robots up there handling things, but as long as we don't teach them nursery rhymes, it should be okay. Hell, a couple of robot concubines could be deployed if population  ever explode dangerously.
I could go for a Winona...

As for what to do once there, well what not to do! We should start cloning every species of earth animal right there and then. You take fertilized eggs or embryos or DNA and then start being fruitfull. Hell, if taking a human population  isn't feasible, we could just take human reproductive cells and birth people there, in vitro.

I know, this are the ramblings of a madman. But I do believe  having a backup humanity would be only good. You can't put all your eggs on one basket! That's how the Dinosaurs died(also Dee AYZZ EIGE!)

So let's not dawdle. Let's go there.


Pack your bags, kids. We're leaving.

Nasa has recently discovered a planet with similar orbital properties to earth. And they believe, from looking at it from earth, it has a shot at being habitable.

Gliese 581d sucks as  a name, though I will dub thee Mirage planet.

Now, as much as the article uses bummer words like, "inconclusive", I want to go there but yesterday. As a Megalomaniac in the making, nothing would please me more than an entire planet for me to rule. Yes, I'll make out with all of the Leopard women, but not before changing their earth mind...

However, unless we invent  faster space travel I probably won't go there, as it is 20 Light Years away from us. In rice and beans, it would take thousands of years and nobody lives that long. Even then you're just gonna find out if it's Apes, Apokolips or Eternia.

I do believe we should still go, and I've been cooking up a plan. Now, I know Nasa doesn't take  unsolicited Ideas, but hear me out?

How about if instead of sending a small crew, you send out a small community?

Instead of fussing about whether we can get there right now, let's send  a community in a bio-dome type enclosure. Eventually, space is gonna get lonely and they are gonna start having kids. And those kids will have kids. And eventually after many generations they will get to the new planet and...well, If it's a good planet they'll stay and if it's a bad planet they'll uh...you know.
Or, uh maybe, I don't know...

It's not as easy as I'm saying it. Space tourism is hard now when everyone in the ship is necessary to keep the ship in orbit. And you HAVE too keep the space society in line because you can't joke with this shit,one wrong move and you're in hell. So I'm suggesting  all social activities as well as steering of the space ark is handled by an artificial intelligence. I know movies like 2001: A Space Oddysey make us fear having robots up there handling things, but as long as we don't teach them nursery rhymes, it should be okay. Hell, a couple of robot concubines could be deployed if population  ever explode dangerously.
I could go for a Winona...

As for what to do once there, well what not to do! We should start cloning every species of earth animal right there and then. You take fertilized eggs or embryos or DNA and then start being fruitfull. Hell, if taking a human population  isn't feasible, we could just take human reproductive cells and birth people there, in vitro.

I know, this are the ramblings of a madman. But I do believe  having a backup humanity would be only good. You can't put all your eggs on one basket! That's how the Dinosaurs died(also Dee AYZZ EIGE!)

So let's not dawdle. Let's go there.


Scolding Reviews- Almighty Thor

Not even Steve Carrel wanted in anymore.
Allright. I'm ready. I'm ready Asylum! You hear me, bitch! I'm ready! Motherfucker, I own  Starquest: The Oddysey!  I can take your shit!

Bravado asides, this cash in films are notorious for preying on confused grandparents and ridiculous baffling moments, but what defines this particular one is it's complete lack of direction, motivation and a bare minimum of characterization you need to forget you aren't just watching people make money  off of Marvel's hype.

The film opens to...the dread demon Loki assaulting Asgard with his magic. Hmm...straight to the point are we?

Loki and his giant...monster Chihuahuas make a joke  of the defending forces. I'm not much of an  Aesir(or comic book equivalent)guy but aren't the people in Asgard like...tough?

Then we meet our Protagonist, Thor, who hath claimed his hair from the beast Owen Wilson, his Father Odin, who not only sports awesome tattoos they couldn't be bothered to cover, but with his white beard and trident like spear,  and lack of an eyepatch, reminds me much more  of Neptune, king of the Seas. We also meet Thor's brother, who's name I didn't catch, but who's only distinguishing feature is a Stallonian facial paralysis, and since I can't make fun of that, let's move on.
Here's some guys with facial paralysis I can make fun of for other reasons.



Thor gets word of this mass murder of everyone in his kingdom deal, and heads for the fates to divine what to do. Which...is okay I guess. I think the situation might have benefited from a more... direct approach.
We're gonna save the town...right after checking my horoscope.


The fates tell them how they're all screwed and should gear up for a nice old dying...or give Loki what he wants: The Hammer of Invincibility. Which...seeing Loki's attitude so far, I don't think giving it to him might make him more reasonable.  Odin and his elder son are game to getting their clocks cleaned, but Thor says he can change his own destiny.

So they run into battle and fight, like, one or two superdawgs before Loki shows himself to Odin. Loki is...sort of a guy. By which I mean he doesn't feel like an ominous figure who should be feared. He's just a guy, going "C'me on, man. I just need the Hammer of Invincibility for a couple of hours! I promised my wife I would be finished before he weekend."
"I'm good for it! Ask Charlie!"

So Odin fights Loki in a comically poorly edited fight. But when Odin gets the upper hand, Loki starts apparently teleporting around Odin. The cuts are so terrible  it gets hard to tell. So Loki tricks  Odin into killing his own son, and then he kills Odin with a fairly non-fatal looking blow.
How does a spear that was stuck on a guy end up like that?
Thor is unconvincingly distraught that his brother and father have been murdered as they so wanted, but then Loki finds him and kicks his ass too.  But a mysterious hooded Hispanic warrioress played by the bad girl from the first two Mummy movies saves him. Isn't there a low budget "boycott Almighty Thor website"?

 The two escape and we get to to know the woman's name is...Jar Sadsack? Yah Zapzap? Jarred Salsa? I'ma stick with that last one.
Con extra Fjorn!

So Thor is all "I should get out there and keel that Lo-Ki! and Salsa is all "Jis Tu Paguerful. Iu nid more treinin!". And then she kicks his ass just to demonstrate that he can't beat Loki.

Now, I guess they took the part of the Thor trailers in which he is impulsive and tried to take a similar route, but this Thor comes  off as a useless moron who needs constant babysitting so he doesn't die.  In one baffling sequence we learn Salsa knows to fight because she was trained by Valkyries whereas Thor learned to fight because he watched his brother fight. It's clear that Thor isn't really much of an actual warrior or hero or...anything.

After an extended sequence of escape-talk-escape, they get to earth, where we learn Salsa has apparently been living and has a hideout stocked with guns and stuff. And within less than a minute on  Midgard a stock mugging scene. Even as it's cut, you can tell they really wanted a cliched woman-getting-mugged, hero-stumbles-upon-it, hero stops mugging sequence.
This "Warrior from Magic Land ends in our world" movies...


So our heroes head for the Tree of Life, where the hammer of Invincibility was hidden. But first Thor needs to defeat a knight who defends it. Just...some knight. Guarding the Tree of Life. I guess I need to read some more runes to get it.

So Thor swordfights the guy and wins. And then everything goes slomo and it rains. As much as you can and should make fun of this movies effect's, this scene is sort of beautiful. But it's pretty pointless. Having seen the other Thor, a similar rain and slomo scene occurs when Thor discovers he can't use his powers and he's humbled. That's effective. Here he just beat the last boss.

So Thor gets the hammer of invincibility. and searches for Loki. As they stare at each other face to face Thor...draws his hammer. From his long coat. Here, tell me if this makes sense.
Yes, that looks about right.


In short, despite having an weapon with the term "invincibility" appended in the name, Thor is no match for Loki and needs to be saved by Jarred Salsa yet again. You know, in most fictions, when there is a race for an item that  would prove catastrophic in the wrong hands, the good guys acquiring it pretty much ends the action. Not here. Here the bad guy is still actively seeking the item and the good guys have no use for it.



Here, Loki is about to use the "Sword of unrequested urological check"
Thor wouldn't know it, as he insists and fights Loki a third time...and a fourth time. During the fourth battle, Thor manages to take the...Bone of Errol...from Loki. Loki claims that his bone is useless to him, and Thor says he's gonna destroy it. But Loki backflips on the issue and says the bone can be used to revive Odin, then pretends to die. Thor will later claim he saw him melt, but I saw nothing of the sort. Somebody forgot to add the effect?

In either case, Salsa again she steps in and saves him from an obvious trap. Tired of just trying to walk up to Thor, Loki summons up his mutadogs again with the second usage of  his prerecorded voice saying: "Come, my Friends".

I don't know. Think of the kinds of villains that have minions, and think of one of them that refers to them as "friends". Not like, singular "my friend", but as a collective. Darth Vader, Shredder, Dr Doom. No. Maybe Magneto, but then his minions have an ideal and this dogs, until deleted footage proves otherwise, don't.
They don't seem particularly interested in friendship, either.

So an...epic battle ensues. The now infamous scene of Thor running and Shooting an Uzi at Loki ensues as well. What's more, Loki use force pull, takes the gun from  Thor and shoots him to the ground.



Also, the effects guys fail to understand what a strong force would do to a truck.
Now, when I saw the trailer, I assumed this was part of Thor being depowered. But he's shooting with guns when in his other hand he has the Hammer of Invincibility! Come on! He's only used to shoot lightening at the air! What CAN the Hammer do?

Thor again almost loses to Loki when Salsa intervenes. They try to portal away but Salsa gets pulled away by Loki. He returns to find her dead and gives her the Hammer. But she was Loki in disguise.  So Loki crucifies Salsa and Thor and sends them to hell. Sorry...Hel. Aesir, got it.

So Thor is in Hel and he's crying and there's lava and Loki's plan to destroy everything ever is about to unfold. But he hears encouraging voice over and he..grabs a bunch of lava in a clear misunderstanding of what Lava is or does. He forges it into a polished Metal hammer with his fists, which is an even more ludicrous thing than the last one. And where does he find  wood for the handle in Hel? Why is his hammer polished and the old one look like it's a paleolithic weapon?

It all comes down to a climax where both Thor and Loki fight with their respective Hammers. Thor finally wins and kills Loki and cures the Tree of Life and stops the Ragnarok and all that stuff. Then he goes to the fates, who are very cross that he defied fate itself, and he breaks their weaving equipment.


He's the master of his own fate as long as people are willing to save him.
This movie is as directionless as they come. The villain has no real reason to do things, the hero is a singleminded dolt, and everyone else is monster fodder.  They weren't even trying, which is what Asylum  does. Not try.















Scolding Reviews- Almighty Thor

Not even Steve Carrel wanted in anymore.
Allright. I'm ready. I'm ready Asylum! You hear me, bitch! I'm ready! Motherfucker, I own  Starquest: The Oddysey!  I can take your shit!

Bravado asides, this cash in films are notorious for preying on confused grandparents and ridiculous baffling moments, but what defines this particular one is it's complete lack of direction, motivation and a bare minimum of characterization you need to forget you aren't just watching people make money  off of Marvel's hype.

The film opens to...the dread demon Loki assaulting Asgard with his magic. Hmm...straight to the point are we?

Loki and his giant...monster Chihuahuas make a joke  of the defending forces. I'm not much of an  Aesir(or comic book equivalent)guy but aren't the people in Asgard like...tough?

Then we meet our Protagonist, Thor, who hath claimed his hair from the beast Owen Wilson, his Father Odin, who not only sports awesome tattoos they couldn't be bothered to cover, but with his white beard and trident like spear,  and lack of an eyepatch, reminds me much more  of Neptune, king of the Seas. We also meet Thor's brother, who's name I didn't catch, but who's only distinguishing feature is a Stallonian facial paralysis, and since I can't make fun of that, let's move on.
Here's some guys with facial paralysis I can make fun of for other reasons.

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