What did Youtube think this says? at 5:29 AM

I urge you to actually watch the video this time.

Do you have that in Fighting game? at 2:55 PM

 

Hmm. Well played.

I want to congratulate Nintendo on finally releasing Little Big Planet on one of it's consoles and replacing all those creepy sackboys with Nintendo characters to the critical acclaim of everyone.

Not being facetious here, a game where you create your own Mario shit is such an obvious move,  like a PokemonMMORPG, that enthusiasts on the Internet beat Nintendo to the idea years and years ago. But at least Nintendo pulled through on this one, am I right?

Now, everyone is talking about Mario Maker, and kind of rallying around the idea of custom game makers. It's a good thing. I like that.

I already wrote at lenght about how I like creating my own characters, even when "my own" sometimes just means "a character I like from something that isn't in WWF Attitude." In fact, I bought Mortal Kombat Armageddon, arguably the most dissapointing Mortal Kombat game since Mortal Kombat 4, just because you could create a custom character, even though in my mind that was also too limited for my tastes.

So I think it's time we get a Street Fighter Maker is what I'm getting at.

Now, no, I don't necessarilly mean it has to be from THE Street Fighter series. Just a game where you, using simple menus, create your own fighting game, which involve the spectrum of abilities and capabilities from fighting games.

Now, tools exist, no doubt.  Mugen, Mugen's 3D cousin EF 12  and 2d Fighter Maker(The engine which powers The Pony Fighting Game and More) all are lowering the curb for how to make a fighting game. But tell me, do you have to use a tutorial to know fuck all about Mario Maker?  Do you need a list of programs to download just to get started? 

No. And that's what I want. Now, there have been attempts to do this before. The Fighter Maker Series by Enterbrain whover is probably the closest, with the capacity to rig your own fighting moves using an animation system onto poligonal bodies, so you can have their stock fighting game characters do as much crotch kickingas they want. That's...sorta what I would like? Not the crotch kicks, just the rest. 

But that series  A) never moved beyond PS2, B) Doesnt allow you to change bodies in any significant way C) Does not allow for projectiles or other extra physical attacks of any kind to enter play and D) Does not allow you to export the game at all.

I understand WHY programs like Mugen and EF 12 are so convoluted: to allow you more options. But I don't see why a more exhaustive version of Fighter Maker, with the option to import CG models hasnt ocurred yet from any of the bigger fighting names. I mean they've all delved into it somewhat. Capcom made  a SF game you could swap body parts in, but it was a terrible mouse only game. Mortal Kombat, as I said, had a create a character feature ONCE, put it away and never brought it back again. Soul Calibur at least kept it, even though the custom characters are only different cosmetically and, while the idea of a cinammon skinned  swordstress  wearing a knight's helmet is lovely, it's hampered when you  know it's all Mitsurugi's moveset, with no variation.

All these long standing series could take a break from  all the F2P and Extreme Vollybolleing vacationing none-sense to give themselves to the fans that have a great fighting game inside them just waiting to burst out. It might especially benefit  perennial second banana King of Fighters to try it. If you didn't care about Kyo Kusanagi before the year 2000, chances are you probably don't care about his new game. I know I don't. BUT, if they did a custom fighter using it's assets and characters, it MIGHT just be the thing to get a lot of people into it.

I don't know. Maybe it's just me. I've always wanted to make a fighting game, and while my attempts so far have yet to yield success, I can't help but see the way people react to these custom content things like Mario Maker, Minecraft and Little Big Planet and see how passionate people are about fighting games, and can't help but wonder why these two ideas haven't ever really been put together in a easy to use package. Even without it people wound up making fighting games about Mario, Sonic, Valis, Pokemon. Imagine this power, wieldable by anyone. Imagine.

Bloody Mario! 5 realities of Mario going public domain at 11:39 AM

Mario, about to kick a fire

The time of my public domain themed gamejam is ever aproaching. As such, it's time to think about our futures again.

Mario goes into the Public Domain, according to my expert calculations, in 2078 And, much like with Batman, it is something we are utterly unprepared for.  Many people don't understand the temporary nature of copyright, which is understandable, because a few people are up there, mucking up the works.

Let's get into a serious discussion of what could happens to gaming's most popular character in 2078

5) Not much

Princess Who?

If you think Mario's gonna be just as popular in 50 years as it was 30/20 years ago, you don't understand how pop culture works. What are the tv shows that where popular in 1985? Look upon those works, ye mighty, and despair.

Don't ask me, I was 2 years old.

By the time Mario gets around to being public domain, Mario might very well be more obscure than even the Golden Girls. Who knows what will happen to Nintendo  between here and there?

4) We can finally get that Mario movie done right

Mario should never have been bald, you cretins!

But for those of us already reaching the Godly Age Limit,  we'll be able to right the wrongs of our fathers, in making a Mario Movie that doesn't suck-a-balls-ah.

I mean, some people like Super Mario Brothers: The Movie.  But the general consensus is that it's hot garbage and should have been good.

17 years old Max Landis(of Chronicle fame) wrote an enormous, mammoth script for a Super Mario movie.  I'm sure we've all dreamed of adapting our childhood heroes for a modern age. It's probably too much to expect Max Landis to reach 2078 alive and lucid enough to get this script to filming with enough budget to get it to make sense. But those are the breaks. Somebody else, surely will, and hopefully they will.

3) More LEGAL Mario

THIS TITLE MAKE ME ANGRY.

Now, mind you, there's not a lack of Mario out there. In fact, I think I kind of called on all of you to fucking quit it with the Mario already.

But those are fanworks. They're not official, and they're only in existence because Nintendo is merciful/tired and doesn't want to take them down. If Mario where legal to remake now, you'd see the XBLAs and PSNs and Steams just be bursting with Mario all over the place.

Not only that, but Mario would consistently be showing up in other videogames as well. But remember...


2) Somebody would Legally make Mario Horrible

Art by José Emroca Flores...please don't sue me! I have kids to feed!!

This is one of the concerns of people out there when we talk about shorter copyright: That  somebody could make a mockery of the authors intent. or, as it was put to me:

That Captain America: The Winter Soldier DVD was just asking for it.

You don't have to go very far to see that. Mario's  been possesed by the Satsui No Hadou, Princess Peach has been made to fuck her way through the Mushroom Kingdom and some people apparently think Waluigi is sexy.

Apologies to those of you that got here expecting sexy Princess Peach pics.

Invariably somebody's going to make a game where Mario is a serial killer, and it's going to be legal as shit. They'll be selling it on gamestop.

But this is a good thing, in the same way  American McGee's Alice is a good thing: By being able to do a dark take officially, we can get "Dark and Gritty Mario" to be something compelling, instead of something made to be just for kicks.


1) Nintendo would benefit most of all.

We're-ah all about the money!

 Yes, Nintendo will not be the only game in town with Mario game's anymore. But that's perhaps for the best.You see, Nintendo's sphere of influence it pretty much limited to Nintendo consoles, officially. They don't do PC, Mac, or cellphones(unless they started doing that and I never found out). What has happened is that, what, with the Internet and all, those of us who won't buy Nintendo's machines anymore can still play a game of Mario, only, say, one that happens to also have Megaman and Simon Belmont. The fans filled the void.

Nintendo's influence would spread ever farther if you could legally buy Super Mario Bros for the Xbox 1. People would play it, like it, love it, and then look for Nintendo to provide more. Sure, technically they didn't make money on the one sale, but "official" New Marios would still be available exclusively in Nintendo's machines.

5 Things you should stop if you're planning at 11:52 AM

It's the Chinese year of the crank.

I sometimes wonder what kind of people does my blog reach. Do they quickly scroll down to that picture of  Lady Yoyoboing and then quickly hit back? Does anyone even read this shit? Do I suck? I'm not insecure. Knowing how much I such is essential to reduce my suckage output.

Either way, if you are reading this you, like me, might want to make the odd projects now and then, like my terrible Smallville game, or my hopefully less terrible book "Fighting Hero of the Galaxy". If your project is any of the below things, perhaps you would allow me do dissuade you. I don't think you'd listen to me, but perhaps influenced by my words, you'd maybe put a little more effort on...

5 )Mario/Sonic/Zelda Fangames

Finally. After so many years. A Mario REVIVAL.

Let's be blunt here: We don't need anymore fangames based on sprites that are as old as me. I think Mario, Sonic, and Zelda are so completely played out in fan made content that Nintendo and Sega might as well stop trying.

I get it: you guys love Sonic. I loved Sonic. I wanted to make Sonic Fan games before many of you were born. But If you want anyone to give a fuck about your Sonic fan game, you have to make it something really special. What's your plan, then? Is it "just" a Sonic game, but now we can play as green Sonic and  Gray Tails. Think about it.

I thought the other day: Hay, how about if I make Super Mario 64...but in 2D! How cool would...let me google search...Goddamn.  Again, I don't say you suck for doing a fangame based on serieses that have 2 official entries a year, but find a niche. Find an angle, or do another, more dormant franchise. Because just Mario just ain't special no more.


4) Medieval Fantasy Story

Do you want to make a fantasy story? Are there dragons, wizards, and the types of humanoids Tolkien put into his books? If you want your book/rpg/screenplay to stand out, my advise is to start over.

 I freely admit that I've never been fully captivated by the Medieval Fantasy stories. I kind of tolerate it as one of the basic narrative genres. But guys, these things are overdone.  We call these stories fantasy stories, as if the Knight-Princess-King-Dragon was the only kind of story in the past you could put heroes, heroines, lords and monsters in. What about africa? What about the non greek cultures of the pre classic period? What about a mythology that isn't as played out?

I'm just saying, go read up on other mythologies before diving into tired and true tales of orcs and goblins and crap. If you still want to make a story about medieval fantasy, fine. At least now you can make that a little less tired?


3) A "retro" take on a modern franchise

Get it? Because it totally could have happened but didnt!

 Look, you can hit the links above to prove me a hypocrite, but the truth is, "retro" aesthetics are becoming the domain of lazy designers who don't want to pay for animation. Yeah, I said it. You guys make it look like a Snes game because that way you can make an ugly looking game while getting praise for retroness. Earthwom Jim and Custer's Revenge both equally count as Retro, but only one of them has sweet animation.

So let's take a moratorium on making retro versions of  modern day blockbusters. I mean, it's funny and all, but we should perhaps step back and consider that it wasn't so long ago that what we do for laughs and nostalgia used to be called "shitty Game Boy Color Port". Nobody Fondly Looks back on the real "Retro" Virtua Fighter and "Retro" Battle Arena Toshiden and "Retro" Crazy Taxi. Is your retro take good on it's own, or is it just a shitty port?

2) Angry Birds anything that isn't a videogame.

 Because we can't top the level of franchise-ception that is Angry Birds Star Wars Jenga. I'll kill myself if they make a movie version of this.

1) A Supehero who is a deconstruction of Superman/Batman

Not a dream! Not an imaginary story! Not...really that clever...

No. No. Non. Don't do it. No more. Everyone and their grandmother litterally knows Superman. Everyone has already wondered what if the boyscout where evil. Or an asshole. Or a Nazi. Or a rapist. Or insane. Or ubersane.  Or gay. Or bi. Or black. Or Asian. We do not need anymore versions of Superman. And you can just copy that and paste it and replace Superman with Batman.

I like this guys, don't misunderstand me. But  there are other superheroes out there.  Come on. Don't be lazy. And that's basically my advise for everyone else.

5 Things you should stop if you're planning at 11:52 AM

It's the Chinese year of the crank.

I sometimes wonder what kind of people does my blog reach. Do they quickly scroll down to that picture of  Lady Yoyoboing and then quickly hit back? Does anyone even read this shit? Do I suck? I'm not insecure. Knowing how much I such is essential to reduce my suckage output.

Either way, if you are reading this you, like me, might want to make the odd projects now and then, like my terrible Smallville game, or my hopefully less terrible book "Fighting Hero of the Galaxy". If your project is any of the below things, perhaps you would allow me do dissuade you. I don't think you'd listen to me, but perhaps influenced by my words, you'd maybe put a little more effort on...

5 )Mario/Sonic/Zelda Fangames

Finally. After so many years. A Mario REVIVAL.

Let's be blunt here: We don't need anymore fangames based on sprites that are as old as me. I think Mario, Sonic, and Zelda are so completely played out in fan made content that Nintendo and Sega might as well stop trying.

I get it: you guys love Sonic. I loved Sonic. I wanted to make Sonic Fan games before many of you were born. But If you want anyone to give a fuck about your Sonic fan game, you have to make it something really special. What's your plan, then? Is it "just" a Sonic game, but now we can play as green Sonic and  Gray Tails. Think about it.

I thought the other day: Hay, how about if I make Super Mario 64...but in 2D! How cool would...let me google search...Goddamn.  Again, I don't say you suck for doing a fangame based on serieses that have 2 official entries a year, but find a niche. Find an angle, or do another, more dormant franchise. Because just Mario just ain't special no more.


4) Medieval Fantasy Story

Do you want to make a fantasy story? Are there dragons, wizards, and the types of humanoids Tolkien put into his books? If you want your book/rpg/screenplay to stand out, my advise is to start over.

 I freely admit that I've never been fully captivated by the Medieval Fantasy stories. I kind of tolerate it as one of the basic narrative genres. But guys, these things are overdone.  We call these stories fantasy stories, as if the Knight-Princess-King-Dragon was the only kind of story in the past you could put heroes, heroines, lords and monsters in. What about africa? What about the non greek cultures of the pre classic period? What about a mythology that isn't as played out?

I'm just saying, go read up on other mythologies before diving into tired and true tales of orcs and goblins and crap. If you still want to make a story about medieval fantasy, fine. At least now you can make that a little less tired?


3) A "retro" take on a modern franchise

Get it? Because it totally could have happened but didnt!

 Look, you can hit the links above to prove me a hypocrite, but the truth is, "retro" aesthetics are becoming the domain of lazy designers who don't want to pay for animation. Yeah, I said it. You guys make it look like a Snes game because that way you can make an ugly looking game while getting praise for retroness. Earthwom Jim and Custer's Revenge both equally count as Retro, but only one of them has sweet animation.

So let's take a moratorium on making retro versions of  modern day blockbusters. I mean, it's funny and all, but we should perhaps step back and consider that it wasn't so long ago that what we do for laughs and nostalgia used to be called "shitty Game Boy Color Port". Nobody Fondly Looks back on the real "Retro" Virtua Fighter and "Retro" Battle Arena Toshiden and "Retro" Crazy Taxi. Is your retro take good on it's own, or is it just a shitty port?

2) Angry Birds anything that isn't a videogame.

 Because we can't top the level of franchise-ception that is Angry Birds Star Wars Jenga. I'll kill myself if they make a movie version of this.

1) A Supehero who is a deconstruction of Superman/Batman

Not a dream! Not an imaginary story! Not...really that clever...

No. No. Non. Don't do it. No more. Everyone and their grandmother litterally knows Superman. Everyone has already wondered what if the boyscout where evil. Or an asshole. Or a Nazi. Or a rapist. Or insane. Or ubersane.  Or gay. Or bi. Or black. Or Asian. We do not need anymore versions of Superman. And you can just copy that and paste it and replace Superman with Batman.

I like this guys, don't misunderstand me. But  there are other superheroes out there.  Come on. Don't be lazy. And that's basically my advise for everyone else.

Anotated Super Mario Bros. Super Show Theme song at 12:23 PM

WAITTA...WHY DIDN'T YOU ADD MY FACE TO THE GRAPHIC? IT'S ALL ABOUT MARIO THE BIG STAR, INNIT?

Look, we're all wont to admit that sometimes things  can be a little stupider if you actually pay attention to them. When I was young I loved the hell out of some Super Mario Bos. Super show intro, even thought the language barrier kept me from understanding  what it was saying. But I got the point of this embarassingly old school rap: Super Mario Brothers are awesome, get daddy to buy you a Nintendo.

However, I decided now to look into these lyrics, and see what they're about. And they're just aweful. So throuroughly awful, in fact,  I must  go into excrutiating  detail of each verse and rhyme until I can unbreak them. Here it is. Follow along at home if you must.

We're the Mario Brothers(No good Hip Hop song ever began with "We're Blank". Even then, this is how lame parents rapped.), and plumbing's our game(It is? Seriously don't you want to rap about being famous adventurers?), we're not like the others who get all the fame("Other plumbers gettin' all the fame, son. We wasting our time collecting gold coins and shit") If your sink is  in trouble you can call us on the double(Goddamn you! Nobody's ever cared about the plumber aspect of your lives!).

We're faster than the others(Okay, tell me your stupid rates, then), you'll be hooked on the brothers(What?)

I said hooked on the brothers.(No, I heard you the first time. I mean, are you still talking about digging into my toilet or about the addictive qualities of Super Mario 2? Because I'm not sure I want to be "hooked"on getting my damn plumbing fixed))

You you're in for a treat so hang on to your seat(Toilet Seat?)

Get ready for adventure and remarkable feats. (Finally! Unambiguosly not about shit pipes!)

Y'all meet koopas and troopas, the princess and the others(Koopas and Troopas are the same! And way to alienate the shyguys and birdos that just happen to take a more central stage in this show!")

Hanging with the brothers you'll be hooked on the brothers!(Brothers don't let Brothers rhyme with themselves.)

 Yet again!(peet peet, peet, pee peet, peepeet pee, peet! Hey, no one ever said the Mario theme isn't catchy)

Hooked I say. (FASTER! STRONGER! MORE HOOKED ON A CARICATURE OF ITALIANS!)

Oooooh!

Let's go!

The Brothers(But not  like"ethnically Afro American peer" Brothers)

the Brothers(Even if this is being rapped by one)

the Brothers(Or maybe Mario and Luigi are not blood brothers.)

the Brothers.(Do Ital Americans call each other brother?)

Anotated Super Mario Bros. Super Show Theme song at 12:23 PM

WAITTA...WHY DIDN'T YOU ADD MY FACE TO THE GRAPHIC? IT'S ALL ABOUT MARIO THE BIG STAR, INNIT?

Look, we're all wont to admit that sometimes things  can be a little stupider if you actually pay attention to them. When I was young I loved the hell out of some Super Mario Bos. Super show intro, even thought the language barrier kept me from understanding  what it was saying. But I got the point of this embarassingly old school rap: Super Mario Brothers are awesome, get daddy to buy you a Nintendo.

However, I decided now to look into these lyrics, and see what they're about. And they're just aweful. So throuroughly awful, in fact,  I must  go into excrutiating  detail of each verse and rhyme until I can unbreak them. Here it is. Follow along at home if you must.

We're the Mario Brothers(No good Hip Hop song ever began with "We're Blank". Even then, this is how lame parents rapped.), and plumbing's our game(It is? Seriously don't you want to rap about being famous adventurers?), we're not like the others who get all the fame("Other plumbers gettin' all the fame, son. We wasting our time collecting gold coins and shit") If your sink is  in trouble you can call us on the double(Goddamn you! Nobody's ever cared about the plumber aspect of your lives!).

We're faster than the others(Okay, tell me your stupid rates, then), you'll be hooked on the brothers(What?)

I said hooked on the brothers.(No, I heard you the first time. I mean, are you still talking about digging into my toilet or about the addictive qualities of Super Mario 2? Because I'm not sure I want to be "hooked"on getting my damn plumbing fixed))

You you're in for a treat so hang on to your seat(Toilet Seat?)

Get ready for adventure and remarkable feats. (Finally! Unambiguosly not about shit pipes!)

Y'all meet koopas and troopas, the princess and the others(Koopas and Troopas are the same! And way to alienate the shyguys and birdos that just happen to take a more central stage in this show!")

Hanging with the brothers you'll be hooked on the brothers!(Brothers don't let Brothers rhyme with themselves.)

 Yet again!(peet peet, peet, pee peet, peepeet pee, peet! Hey, no one ever said the Mario theme isn't catchy)

Hooked I say. (FASTER! STRONGER! MORE HOOKED ON A CARICATURE OF ITALIANS!)

Oooooh!

Let's go!

The Brothers(But not  like"ethnically Afro American peer" Brothers)

the Brothers(Even if this is being rapped by one)

the Brothers(Or maybe Mario and Luigi are not blood brothers.)

the Brothers.(Do Ital Americans call each other brother?)

A game a year: 1985 at 5:47 AM

It was a weird year for makeup.

 
I was born 25 years ago. I started playing videogames at about age 4-5 I believe. As such, I believe it would help me understand my lifelong obsession if I play, or at least reminisce about, a game from each year of life I had.

The year was 1985. A new comic strip is created whose ingenuity and creative writing will inspire thousands to paint peeing boys in their vehicles,  French secret agents sink  a ship out of homophobic hate, and a little game system known as the Nintendo entertainment system was released.

This is the year I was born in, and needless to say I was way to young to buy the N.E.S. let alone play it. My first console was an Atari, so needless to say,  I wasn't exactly the trendiest kid in the, er...rural area.

The only games I can  find where released in the year where Tetris, Super Mario Bros, and Duckhunt, and I didn't have or rent the first 2. Let's go with Super Mario. Nobody's ever written about that!

And wow, has the platformer genre changed a lot since then. Mario's movements are slightly sluggish, and without much of his ability to back out on his jumps, each leap across a chasm could dangerously overshoot. It is a fun game. I just think it's funner if you're Megaman.

What else can I say about the genre/franchise/console launcher? It's a fun little game, but wake me up when they invent having more than one power up. I still prefer the (fake) second one and the third one.

A game a year: 1985 at 5:47 AM

It was a weird year for makeup.

 
I was born 25 years ago. I started playing videogames at about age 4-5 I believe. As such, I believe it would help me understand my lifelong obsession if I play, or at least reminisce about, a game from each year of life I had.

The year was 1985. A new comic strip is created whose ingenuity and creative writing will inspire thousands to paint peeing boys in their vehicles,  French secret agents sink  a ship out of homophobic hate, and a little game system known as the Nintendo entertainment system was released.

This is the year I was born in, and needless to say I was way to young to buy the N.E.S. let alone play it. My first console was an Atari, so needless to say,  I wasn't exactly the trendiest kid in the, er...rural area.

The only games I can  find where released in the year where Tetris, Super Mario Bros, and Duckhunt, and I didn't have or rent the first 2. Let's go with Super Mario. Nobody's ever written about that!

And wow, has the platformer genre changed a lot since then. Mario's movements are slightly sluggish, and without much of his ability to back out on his jumps, each leap across a chasm could dangerously overshoot. It is a fun game. I just think it's funner if you're Megaman.

What else can I say about the genre/franchise/console launcher? It's a fun little game, but wake me up when they invent having more than one power up. I still prefer the (fake) second one and the third one.

Top 5 game movies that could be cool...but won't be! at 10:13 AM

Comics and movies have a special arrangement now. As a relatively non mainstream entertainment, comics get to create names and licenses for Hollywood to make movies about(or not) while they continue to exist mostly for their same audience, with little in the way of "reaching out" and away from the specialty stores.

This, of course, leads to movie hits like Spider-Man and X-Men, and Super hits like Dark Knight. Even lesser known, more obscure comics get announced and done every now and then. There are websites dedicated to this particular flavor of adaptation.

Videogames, however, are a different matter. Videogame franchises do not need to be adapted. The bigger ones are happy with the millions they make Microsoft, Activision, Ubisoft and Square Enix. Do you think Nintendo executives are weaping into their Wii money because Mario isn't at the top of the box office? Gimme a break!

This is why we get films of Bloodrayne, Dungeon Siege and House of the Dead. Because, really, the only person who needs a film based on House of the Dead is the guy who makes them. This is why the Halo movie never got started: Because Microsoft isn't desperate for it. Studios don't want to play by the rules, then they can keep their film.

Even what game adaptations make it throught that aren't based on forgetable games ussually don't get better then "just good". Other than Tomb Raider, Mortal Kombat and Silent Hill, the rest are either dully bland, mindbogglyngly wrong, or so bad that you never meet a person who saw it.

I do think one day will come where the game adaptation will be king. In that future, directors of non questionable directing ability WILL pick up the rights to game adaptations.

So, that in mind, here are the top 5 games that could probably make a good film, but won't. I mean it's possible, some of this EVENTUALLY gets done. But the odds, you see, are not in it's favor.

5) Darkstalkers
Synopsis:In a world where creatures of the night are at war with humanity, one girl can upset the scale of balance . A Wolfman, A ditzy singstress cat-girl, and an overszealous monster hunter must protect her from Dimitri, a powerfull vampire, and his evil henchmen before they use her to destroy all humanity.
The Pitch:It's Van Helsing meets Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon, as monsters fight each other with impossible Kung Fu moves and the occasional expensive mystical CG fireball. Shadubrayd!
Deamcasting:Daniel Craight as Talbain, Georgie Henley as Anita, Monica Belluci as Morrigan Dwayne Johnson as Donovan, Steward Head as Dimitri, Jessica Alba as Felicia and Arnold Schwarzennegger as Victor. Directed By Sam Raimi and Produced by Cory Yuen.
Notabe sequences: The catfight(pun not intended fight between Morrigan and Felicia should be gold!
Why it could be cool:Unlike Street Fighter, this series is far less known and reknown. Most characters aren't even all that well known. Sure, most game enthusiasts know Morrigan and Felicia from the crossovers, but no one is going to cry at the portrayal of Lord Raptor or Hsien Ko...unless they get it REALLY WRONG! Though it needs a big budget. See, for movies like this, you can't think little. Go all out. But Darkstalkers isn't entirely serious, and neither should this movie. That's why I picked Raimi to direct.
Why it won't be cool:Unlike Street Fighter, this series is far less known and reknown. Wich means it's unlikely to gather enought support for a film. Although seeing the pimp job that is Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun Li, though, may it's better that no one WANT to do it.

4)Soul Calibur
Synopsis: A sword tears througt time and space bringing warriors who seek it. Some seek it for their own selfish desires, but the heros know the true nature of the sword's intent: SOULS-AH!
The Pitch: It's an epic story about the true nature of evil. There is also fighting with swords involved.
Deamcasting: Tom Welling as Kilik, Brian Tee as Mitsurugi, Kelly Hu as Taki, Jeniffer Love Hewitt as Sophitia, Russel Wong as Maxi, Michelle Tratchenberg as Cassandra, Rebeca Romijin as Ivy,Benicio del Toro as Cervantes, Kea Wong as Dalip Singh as Astaroth, and Kevin McKidd as Siegfiried. Directed by Roland Emmerich.
Notable sequences: When MItsurugi finally wins the guns v swords predicament that drives him by killing a nazi wielding a submachine gun. Also, in the end Siegfried gets the Sword, and I think we all know how THAT turns out.
Why it could be cool: If the movie can cram enought improbable weapon fights with nunchucks, giant axes and whipswords, that'll do. That's why I pick Emmerich for it. He makes epic movies, sense be damned. Wich is what we need for our blond white ancient greek short skirted warrioress vs gun era Japanese ronin battles to be fullfilled.
Why it won't be cool: While more likely to be done,(and rumor has it it still is) Soul Calibur needs really sleek swordfights. If you can't top the fights in the game by at least a LITTLE bit, then all is lost. Plus: who's gonna believe that a 3 meters long sword can be blocked by anything?


3)Mugen Senshi Valis
Synopsis: A schoolgirl recieves a magic sword wich she must use to save Vecanti, the land of Dreams, from the evil King of the land of Spirits.
The Pitch: It's the Chronicles of Narnia meets Sailor Moon as Magic, Wonder, lessons about growing up, Metal Bikinis and Short Skirts all collide!
Dreamcasting:Chiaki Kuriyama as Yuko, Kea Wong as Reiko, Alison Mack as Cham and Christopher Lee as Glames.
Notable sequences: When quick witted Cham tries to constantly steal the Valis Sword, like a fun loving version of Gollum.
Why it could be cool: It's got teenage girls in metal Bikinis! Fighting monsters! With Swords!
Why it won't be cool:Because you don't even fucking know what I'm talking about, do you? Even the company didn't care enought about Valis to not turn it into porn. And now they're dead. And so is Valis. Wich is the second reason why this beautifull but unremarkable plataformer will never be done. Well, maybe an Anime, someday...

2)Vigilante 8
Synopsis: War erupts in the American South as Oil Baron backed Mercenaries start wrecking havok with their armed vehicles! So a group bands together to form the Vigilantes, a squad that makes it's own justice!
The Pitch: It's Deathrace meets...uh That 70's Show, I guess...
Dreamcasting: Clint Eastwood as Convoy, Eric Bana as Sid Burn, Zoe Saldaña as Houston, Seth Rogen as Molo, Michael Clark Duncan as Torque and Topher Grace as Slick Clide. Put Michael Bay to direct.
Notable sequences: While the splosions are what most folks would enjoy about it, the drama of Houston having to choose between Slick Clide and Convoy, between the machine and the woman would be pretty awesome. Plus, her 'fro.
Why it could be cool: A volkswagen shooting missiles at a schoolbus loaded with machine guns that drops mines Isn't enought? For tongue in cheek "campy" fun with a retro flavor, Vigilante 8 is where it's at.
Why it won't be cool: Have you seen any movies based on Activision games lately? Neither have I.



1)Mario Bros.(A CG film)
Synopsis: A Princess, bored with not being able to leave her magical castle in the mushroom kingdom, clogs her toilet as to meet anyone from the outside world. The King sends forth his Mushroom Men to find the one who can solve it, wich is how the titular two plumbers end up meeting the princess. Soon she is kidnapped by Bowser of the Koopa Kingdom, but the pussies in Mushroom Kingdom are too scared. Only Mario, who is in love with the Princess at this point, and Luigi, who can't leave his bro to his foolish heart, take the call.
The Pitch: It's like Shrek, but instead of ripping on Fairytales, it rips on Videogames. Mostly the Mario series, though. IT SHOULD BE CG AND THAT IS LAW!
Dreamcasting:Voicing are James Gandolfini as Mario, Seth Green as Luigi, Amy Smart as Princess Peach, Dan Castellaneta as The King, Fran Welker as Toad, Jamie King as Daisy. CG by IMAGI
Why it could be cool: It's a simple recipe: Grab the age old tale of the damsel in distress, shower it in postmodernisms, cash the check. If made as an animated movie that is well written and done it could be great! I mean, what's so hard about this?
Why it won't be cool: Because where we see "simple adaptation" Hollywood execs see the need for clutter and changes in order to make things work, and as a way to justify their montlhy checks, they often push for such clutter and changes. Sure, the public and the fans can also be an unpleasable collective bitch at times. But if you can at least pretend to care, and make a movie that would be good without the name of the license, then the job is done.

Top 5 game movies that could be cool...but won't be! at 10:13 AM

Comics and movies have a special arrangement now. As a relatively non mainstream entertainment, comics get to create names and licenses for Hollywood to make movies about(or not) while they continue to exist mostly for their same audience, with little in the way of "reaching out" and away from the specialty stores.

This, of course, leads to movie hits like Spider-Man and X-Men, and Super hits like Dark Knight. Even lesser known, more obscure comics get announced and done every now and then. There are websites dedicated to this particular flavor of adaptation.

Videogames, however, are a different matter. Videogame franchises do not need to be adapted. The bigger ones are happy with the millions they make Microsoft, Activision, Ubisoft and Square Enix. Do you think Nintendo executives are weaping into their Wii money because Mario isn't at the top of the box office? Gimme a break!

This is why we get films of Bloodrayne, Dungeon Siege and House of the Dead. Because, really, the only person who needs a film based on House of the Dead is the guy who makes them. This is why the Halo movie never got started: Because Microsoft isn't desperate for it. Studios don't want to play by the rules, then they can keep their film.

Even what game adaptations make it throught that aren't based on forgetable games ussually don't get better then "just good". Other than Tomb Raider, Mortal Kombat and Silent Hill, the rest are either dully bland, mindbogglyngly wrong, or so bad that you never meet a person who saw it.

I do think one day will come where the game adaptation will be king. In that future, directors of non questionable directing ability WILL pick up the rights to game adaptations.

So, that in mind, here are the top 5 games that could probably make a good film, but won't. I mean it's possible, some of this EVENTUALLY gets done. But the odds, you see, are not in it's favor.

5) Darkstalkers
Synopsis:In a world where creatures of the night are at war with humanity, one girl can upset the scale of balance . A Wolfman, A ditzy singstress cat-girl, and an overszealous monster hunter must protect her from Dimitri, a powerfull vampire, and his evil henchmen before they use her to destroy all humanity.
The Pitch:It's Van Helsing meets Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon, as monsters fight each other with impossible Kung Fu moves and the occasional expensive mystical CG fireball. Shadubrayd!
Deamcasting:Daniel Craight as Talbain, Georgie Henley as Anita, Monica Belluci as Morrigan Dwayne Johnson as Donovan, Steward Head as Dimitri, Jessica Alba as Felicia and Arnold Schwarzennegger as Victor. Directed By Sam Raimi and Produced by Cory Yuen.
Notabe sequences: The catfight(pun not intended fight between Morrigan and Felicia should be gold!
Why it could be cool:Unlike Street Fighter, this series is far less known and reknown. Most characters aren't even all that well known. Sure, most game enthusiasts know Morrigan and Felicia from the crossovers, but no one is going to cry at the portrayal of Lord Raptor or Hsien Ko...unless they get it REALLY WRONG! Though it needs a big budget. See, for movies like this, you can't think little. Go all out. But Darkstalkers isn't entirely serious, and neither should this movie. That's why I picked Raimi to direct.
Why it won't be cool:Unlike Street Fighter, this series is far less known and reknown. Wich means it's unlikely to gather enought support for a film. Although seeing the pimp job that is Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun Li, though, may it's better that no one WANT to do it.

4)Soul Calibur
Synopsis: A sword tears througt time and space bringing warriors who seek it. Some seek it for their own selfish desires, but the heros know the true nature of the sword's intent: SOULS-AH!
The Pitch: It's an epic story about the true nature of evil. There is also fighting with swords involved.
Deamcasting: Tom Welling as Kilik, Brian Tee as Mitsurugi, Kelly Hu as Taki, Jeniffer Love Hewitt as Sophitia, Russel Wong as Maxi, Michelle Tratchenberg as Cassandra, Rebeca Romijin as Ivy,Benicio del Toro as Cervantes, Kea Wong as Dalip Singh as Astaroth, and Kevin McKidd as Siegfiried. Directed by Roland Emmerich.
Notable sequences: When MItsurugi finally wins the guns v swords predicament that drives him by killing a nazi wielding a submachine gun. Also, in the end Siegfried gets the Sword, and I think we all know how THAT turns out.
Why it could be cool: If the movie can cram enought improbable weapon fights with nunchucks, giant axes and whipswords, that'll do. That's why I pick Emmerich for it. He makes epic movies, sense be damned. Wich is what we need for our blond white ancient greek short skirted warrioress vs gun era Japanese ronin battles to be fullfilled.
Why it won't be cool: While more likely to be done,(and rumor has it it still is) Soul Calibur needs really sleek swordfights. If you can't top the fights in the game by at least a LITTLE bit, then all is lost. Plus: who's gonna believe that a 3 meters long sword can be blocked by anything?


3)Mugen Senshi Valis
Synopsis: A schoolgirl recieves a magic sword wich she must use to save Vecanti, the land of Dreams, from the evil King of the land of Spirits.
The Pitch: It's the Chronicles of Narnia meets Sailor Moon as Magic, Wonder, lessons about growing up, Metal Bikinis and Short Skirts all collide!
Dreamcasting:Chiaki Kuriyama as Yuko, Kea Wong as Reiko, Alison Mack as Cham and Christopher Lee as Glames.
Notable sequences: When quick witted Cham tries to constantly steal the Valis Sword, like a fun loving version of Gollum.
Why it could be cool: It's got teenage girls in metal Bikinis! Fighting monsters! With Swords!
Why it won't be cool:Because you don't even fucking know what I'm talking about, do you? Even the company didn't care enought about Valis to not turn it into porn. And now they're dead. And so is Valis. Wich is the second reason why this beautifull but unremarkable plataformer will never be done. Well, maybe an Anime, someday...

2)Vigilante 8
Synopsis: War erupts in the American South as Oil Baron backed Mercenaries start wrecking havok with their armed vehicles! So a group bands together to form the Vigilantes, a squad that makes it's own justice!
The Pitch: It's Deathrace meets...uh That 70's Show, I guess...
Dreamcasting: Clint Eastwood as Convoy, Eric Bana as Sid Burn, Zoe Saldaña as Houston, Seth Rogen as Molo, Michael Clark Duncan as Torque and Topher Grace as Slick Clide. Put Michael Bay to direct.
Notable sequences: While the splosions are what most folks would enjoy about it, the drama of Houston having to choose between Slick Clide and Convoy, between the machine and the woman would be pretty awesome. Plus, her 'fro.
Why it could be cool: A volkswagen shooting missiles at a schoolbus loaded with machine guns that drops mines Isn't enought? For tongue in cheek "campy" fun with a retro flavor, Vigilante 8 is where it's at.
Why it won't be cool: Have you seen any movies based on Activision games lately? Neither have I.



1)Mario Bros.(A CG film)
Synopsis: A Princess, bored with not being able to leave her magical castle in the mushroom kingdom, clogs her toilet as to meet anyone from the outside world. The King sends forth his Mushroom Men to find the one who can solve it, wich is how the titular two plumbers end up meeting the princess. Soon she is kidnapped by Bowser of the Koopa Kingdom, but the pussies in Mushroom Kingdom are too scared. Only Mario, who is in love with the Princess at this point, and Luigi, who can't leave his bro to his foolish heart, take the call.
The Pitch: It's like Shrek, but instead of ripping on Fairytales, it rips on Videogames. Mostly the Mario series, though. IT SHOULD BE CG AND THAT IS LAW!
Dreamcasting:Voicing are James Gandolfini as Mario, Seth Green as Luigi, Amy Smart as Princess Peach, Dan Castellaneta as The King, Fran Welker as Toad, Jamie King as Daisy. CG by IMAGI
Why it could be cool: It's a simple recipe: Grab the age old tale of the damsel in distress, shower it in postmodernisms, cash the check. If made as an animated movie that is well written and done it could be great! I mean, what's so hard about this?
Why it won't be cool: Because where we see "simple adaptation" Hollywood execs see the need for clutter and changes in order to make things work, and as a way to justify their montlhy checks, they often push for such clutter and changes. Sure, the public and the fans can also be an unpleasable collective bitch at times. But if you can at least pretend to care, and make a movie that would be good without the name of the license, then the job is done.