Top 5 game movies that could be cool...but won't be!

Comics and movies have a special arrangement now. As a relatively non mainstream entertainment, comics get to create names and licenses for Hollywood to make movies about(or not) while they continue to exist mostly for their same audience, with little in the way of "reaching out" and away from the specialty stores.

This, of course, leads to movie hits like Spider-Man and X-Men, and Super hits like Dark Knight. Even lesser known, more obscure comics get announced and done every now and then. There are websites dedicated to this particular flavor of adaptation.

Videogames, however, are a different matter. Videogame franchises do not need to be adapted. The bigger ones are happy with the millions they make Microsoft, Activision, Ubisoft and Square Enix. Do you think Nintendo executives are weaping into their Wii money because Mario isn't at the top of the box office? Gimme a break!

This is why we get films of Bloodrayne, Dungeon Siege and House of the Dead. Because, really, the only person who needs a film based on House of the Dead is the guy who makes them. This is why the Halo movie never got started: Because Microsoft isn't desperate for it. Studios don't want to play by the rules, then they can keep their film.

Even what game adaptations make it throught that aren't based on forgetable games ussually don't get better then "just good". Other than Tomb Raider, Mortal Kombat and Silent Hill, the rest are either dully bland, mindbogglyngly wrong, or so bad that you never meet a person who saw it.

I do think one day will come where the game adaptation will be king. In that future, directors of non questionable directing ability WILL pick up the rights to game adaptations.

So, that in mind, here are the top 5 games that could probably make a good film, but won't. I mean it's possible, some of this EVENTUALLY gets done. But the odds, you see, are not in it's favor.

5) Darkstalkers
Synopsis:In a world where creatures of the night are at war with humanity, one girl can upset the scale of balance . A Wolfman, A ditzy singstress cat-girl, and an overszealous monster hunter must protect her from Dimitri, a powerfull vampire, and his evil henchmen before they use her to destroy all humanity.
The Pitch:It's Van Helsing meets Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon, as monsters fight each other with impossible Kung Fu moves and the occasional expensive mystical CG fireball. Shadubrayd!
Deamcasting:Daniel Craight as Talbain, Georgie Henley as Anita, Monica Belluci as Morrigan Dwayne Johnson as Donovan, Steward Head as Dimitri, Jessica Alba as Felicia and Arnold Schwarzennegger as Victor. Directed By Sam Raimi and Produced by Cory Yuen.
Notabe sequences: The catfight(pun not intended fight between Morrigan and Felicia should be gold!
Why it could be cool:Unlike Street Fighter, this series is far less known and reknown. Most characters aren't even all that well known. Sure, most game enthusiasts know Morrigan and Felicia from the crossovers, but no one is going to cry at the portrayal of Lord Raptor or Hsien Ko...unless they get it REALLY WRONG! Though it needs a big budget. See, for movies like this, you can't think little. Go all out. But Darkstalkers isn't entirely serious, and neither should this movie. That's why I picked Raimi to direct.
Why it won't be cool:Unlike Street Fighter, this series is far less known and reknown. Wich means it's unlikely to gather enought support for a film. Although seeing the pimp job that is Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun Li, though, may it's better that no one WANT to do it.

4)Soul Calibur
Synopsis: A sword tears througt time and space bringing warriors who seek it. Some seek it for their own selfish desires, but the heros know the true nature of the sword's intent: SOULS-AH!
The Pitch: It's an epic story about the true nature of evil. There is also fighting with swords involved.
Deamcasting: Tom Welling as Kilik, Brian Tee as Mitsurugi, Kelly Hu as Taki, Jeniffer Love Hewitt as Sophitia, Russel Wong as Maxi, Michelle Tratchenberg as Cassandra, Rebeca Romijin as Ivy,Benicio del Toro as Cervantes, Kea Wong as Dalip Singh as Astaroth, and Kevin McKidd as Siegfiried. Directed by Roland Emmerich.
Notable sequences: When MItsurugi finally wins the guns v swords predicament that drives him by killing a nazi wielding a submachine gun. Also, in the end Siegfried gets the Sword, and I think we all know how THAT turns out.
Why it could be cool: If the movie can cram enought improbable weapon fights with nunchucks, giant axes and whipswords, that'll do. That's why I pick Emmerich for it. He makes epic movies, sense be damned. Wich is what we need for our blond white ancient greek short skirted warrioress vs gun era Japanese ronin battles to be fullfilled.
Why it won't be cool: While more likely to be done,(and rumor has it it still is) Soul Calibur needs really sleek swordfights. If you can't top the fights in the game by at least a LITTLE bit, then all is lost. Plus: who's gonna believe that a 3 meters long sword can be blocked by anything?

3)Mugen Senshi Valis
Synopsis: A schoolgirl recieves a magic sword wich she must use to save Vecanti, the land of Dreams, from the evil King of the land of Spirits.
The Pitch: It's the Chronicles of Narnia meets Sailor Moon as Magic, Wonder, lessons about growing up, Metal Bikinis and Short Skirts all collide!
Dreamcasting:Chiaki Kuriyama as Yuko, Kea Wong as Reiko, Alison Mack as Cham and Christopher Lee as Glames.
Notable sequences: When quick witted Cham tries to constantly steal the Valis Sword, like a fun loving version of Gollum.
Why it could be cool: It's got teenage girls in metal Bikinis! Fighting monsters! With Swords!
Why it won't be cool:Because you don't even fucking know what I'm talking about, do you? Even the company didn't care enought about Valis to not turn it into porn. And now they're dead. And so is Valis. Wich is the second reason why this beautifull but unremarkable plataformer will never be done. Well, maybe an Anime, someday...

2)Vigilante 8
Synopsis: War erupts in the American South as Oil Baron backed Mercenaries start wrecking havok with their armed vehicles! So a group bands together to form the Vigilantes, a squad that makes it's own justice!
The Pitch: It's Deathrace meets...uh That 70's Show, I guess...
Dreamcasting: Clint Eastwood as Convoy, Eric Bana as Sid Burn, Zoe Saldaña as Houston, Seth Rogen as Molo, Michael Clark Duncan as Torque and Topher Grace as Slick Clide. Put Michael Bay to direct.
Notable sequences: While the splosions are what most folks would enjoy about it, the drama of Houston having to choose between Slick Clide and Convoy, between the machine and the woman would be pretty awesome. Plus, her 'fro.
Why it could be cool: A volkswagen shooting missiles at a schoolbus loaded with machine guns that drops mines Isn't enought? For tongue in cheek "campy" fun with a retro flavor, Vigilante 8 is where it's at.
Why it won't be cool: Have you seen any movies based on Activision games lately? Neither have I.

1)Mario Bros.(A CG film)
Synopsis: A Princess, bored with not being able to leave her magical castle in the mushroom kingdom, clogs her toilet as to meet anyone from the outside world. The King sends forth his Mushroom Men to find the one who can solve it, wich is how the titular two plumbers end up meeting the princess. Soon she is kidnapped by Bowser of the Koopa Kingdom, but the pussies in Mushroom Kingdom are too scared. Only Mario, who is in love with the Princess at this point, and Luigi, who can't leave his bro to his foolish heart, take the call.
The Pitch: It's like Shrek, but instead of ripping on Fairytales, it rips on Videogames. Mostly the Mario series, though. IT SHOULD BE CG AND THAT IS LAW!
Dreamcasting:Voicing are James Gandolfini as Mario, Seth Green as Luigi, Amy Smart as Princess Peach, Dan Castellaneta as The King, Fran Welker as Toad, Jamie King as Daisy. CG by IMAGI
Why it could be cool: It's a simple recipe: Grab the age old tale of the damsel in distress, shower it in postmodernisms, cash the check. If made as an animated movie that is well written and done it could be great! I mean, what's so hard about this?
Why it won't be cool: Because where we see "simple adaptation" Hollywood execs see the need for clutter and changes in order to make things work, and as a way to justify their montlhy checks, they often push for such clutter and changes. Sure, the public and the fans can also be an unpleasable collective bitch at times. But if you can at least pretend to care, and make a movie that would be good without the name of the license, then the job is done.


shadowreaper34 said...

OK OK OK don't go so fast, double dragon the movie...suck, Darkstalker a movie with Natalie Portman as Morrigan Jessica Alba as Felicia and Arnold as Victor no way!!, I can't take the idea to see miss Portman dressed like Moriigan this cause me the same effect as Generic Viagra, and finally a Soul Calibur movie, well the most difficult part in this realize this movie is find the women that can represent to Taki, Ivy and Sophitia.
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