The Case for Old Lara Croft at 7:57 AM

I'm trying to imagine 15 year old me seeing THIS as Lara Croft.

So, that new Tomb Raider sure is probably something, huh? I mean, I can't play it because I'm not made out of Next Gen Consoles, but I guess seeing it have the success it has had means that 2013's Lara Croft is here to stay. Wait, let me check that. Oh, wait, aparently the new game bombed.

 Like Batman Begins, the game took an earnest  look at the what had and hand;t been done with the character and tried to do some king of "realistic" self-serious character study on that lady that once used to shoot dinosaurs out of her infinite ammo twin pistols.

No offense meant by what I'm going to say now. I don't think Nu TR is, pardon the stupid terms, an SJWing of Tomb Raider. It's just a different new take, no less worthy to be called Tomb Raider than any other game.

But I want the old Lara back.

The Lara with the huge lips and perky smile. The Lara with the wide hips and jutting breasts. The Lara that was an adventurer, in the old school way. I want her back. And I intend to make my case for that, here.

Before you say that I'm a big old horndog that just wants to see a woman with an improbable anatomy, let me get this out of the way: I am and that's part of the reason. Why not. What's wrong with wanting a fictional character to be physically desirable to me? You wouldn't ask for a "serious" version of Jacob from Twilight, with all the cheesecake removed.  He was built for cheesecake, and so was Lara Croft. It's why we loved them.

Some might say Lara Croft's body was exaggerated and ridiculous. And I say...yeah, that was kind of the point.

You see, Lara was a caricature. Caricatures, for all of you who haven't heard, is an exaggerated abstraction , where you take a character's most prominent features and blow them out of proportion. Say, for example, you want to make a caricature of Barrack Obama. You would do something like this.





Now, for the ur examples of a caricature of a sensual woman, you have, say Betty Boop...

Betty Boop gets too much head.

Or that chick from the Tex Avery cartoons...

(Sonic 06 joke)

Or Jessica Rabbit, who is a parody of those kind of characters taken to extremes.

They're all wearing one dress between them.

A lot could be made that Lara's sole appeal was her enormous funbags and nothing else, to which I would reply negatively. For you see, if that's the case, how could she have made it into 2015? She wasn't the ONLY sexy female character to exist. Not the least clothed, not the biggest tittied. You'd think the moment the next mynx showed up we'd all declare Lara over and move on. But no.

Because you see, Lara Croft became an icon at some point. You could put her in a crowd, and tell she was Lara Croft. Even if she was dressed completely different.To Prove that, I have devised a social excersise.

Hover your mouse above THIS link. Do not click yet.  When you open it, it will lead you to an image. Find Lara Croft in the crowd. Now click.


If you think I'm lying, I'm going to play a game with you. I'm  making a collage of faces below. Spot Lara Croft. Come on. I double dog dare you. I double my dogs.



Now, which Lara did you spot before?



Now, this isn't an indictment of the new series, it's art direction, or it's gameplay. Again, too poor to judge by myself. I'm just saying, if I where calling the shots, I'd take Lara back to her roots in caricature. The whole world would be exagerated and cartoony and FUN.



I do somewhat question that now that videogames and it's characters can look like litterally anything, show anything onscreen, that Lara now looks like just another woman. Splendorous graphical showcase, but a boring, safe choice, in my opinion.

And we could have BOTH, you know. The Same way Batman acknoweledges the 60's TV series as an old take and not as an old shame, there could be a sub-line of TR games running counter to Nu-Raider. I don't know. Maybe some day.