Son of a Pitch: The Bible Uncut at 5:20 AM

Jesus, Christ, guys, even the animated movie got Jeff Goldblum as Moses' Brother!

The Internet has been a boon for fan effort. Whereas before lots of legwork and mouth talking was required to get a fan movie going, cans can now access both the technical knoweledge and like minded individuals from across the world.

For example, The Star Wars uncut series is the ultimate letter of love to Star Wars movies. Various people are assigned small parts of Star Wars to recreate, however they can and want.The resulting mishmash of styles, genres, genders and tones is truly a sight to behold.

I think the "uncut" format would be great for another work with lots of fans: The Bible!

Unsurprisingly, there was a remake in 2013

While "Religious films" now a days tend to be lower budget preachfests , there was an era where not only did the idea of making Bible movies as grand, screen filling spectacle was considered   normal, but it profitable enough that at least one filmmaker attempted to get the whole Bible onscreen, in a movie that, accounting for intermission, could eat away a whole day of easter.

But the idea of doing the whole Bible, including every story and subplot and  weird fable about plant races, is an insurmountable challenge for any one person or group. Every King in a 3000 + year dinasty is accounted for by name. Long lines of descendants are described. Allegorical visions are described. Rape happens. Foreskins are cut. Long beards are had. Differing interpretations are rampant. Stories are told, and then retold with differing details. Coats are described as being left behind in letters.

But I think we owe it to ourselves as a society to make the bible as a long form video. It would be beneficial to all. Christians who don't read the Bible would be able to do away with all that pesky reading and simply bask in on the knoweledge of what happens in the Bible, and even those who aren't thrilled by seeing Jesus presented as a robot COULD be inspired to look at their own beliefs beyond  a superficial level. Those who don't believe in the bible or God could at least have some insight on the events as presented beyond "And then they did this, that's totally what happened."

Some stories benefit from context, Mel.

And besides, as one of the oldest compilations of stories and the most read book in the world, having the full bible available as a video would be kind of a big  deal for humanity as a whole. The Bible covers the periods of multiple of the most influential empires in the  preclassic and classic eras. We owe it to ourselves. And it'd be kind of fun.

So what do you say, guys? What parts of the Bible would you call dibs on? And no, you can't pick Song of Songs.


That's spoken for. :)


It wouldn't be as simple as that, though.  While Star Wars has a running time, and scenes, the Bible doen't come with a running time, and if it did it'd probably be huuuge. At least the first books tend to be "The whole lives of people", which  is basically a movie all on it's own. Do we split it according to ammount of chapters, pages? We could get each person to do "what they want" but then we're probably gonna get some parts nobody is going to want to do?  If you are interested in forming part of "The Bible: Uncut" chime in below and tell me, what scenes would you do, and how you would make it, as well as any ideas for divying up the chapters.

5 most common ways to missinterpret the Bible at 9:58 AM

Look, I insist on not getting all religious on you: each of you's got a choice to make, or not make or whatever. But I've been studying the Good Book a lot. A lot of people hold this book as an immediate solution to all of life's problems. In those people's homes, I would not be surprised to find a dusty, unread Bible in some basement somewhere.

Basically this book, or rather collection of books, is in a foreign language, from a foreign culture, from more than 1500 years ago. So  it's not like you can start reading at the start of a train commute and get it before it stops. Because frankly, there's a lot to get. In the spirit of this, here's the 5 most common ways the Word of God can fly right over your head.

5)Ignoring all the jewey parts

This might be the single most common mistake. I've seen people who up and up declare that the only parts of the Bible that concern them start in the New Testament with the birth of the prophesized Messiah, and his sacrificial death. They say all the other parts, the ones about not eating bats and keeping the Shabath holy are for the Hebrews.

First of all, wise-guy: What did you think Jesus taught? He was a Rabbi. Without the teachings of the Law, he'd have had nothing to teach. He explicitely explains that he did not come to undo the law. What is the law? Well, the Torah, and all it's commandments.

Basically adopting this mindset is like only watching the last episode of a series. How can you even know why stuff is important if you you don't even know what they're talking about?

4)Reading everything literally

This one is a big problem in America, where there's a big fuzz about evolution vs what's on the Bible. I mean, the Bible says that the Earth is only 6000 years old, right? Well, no, but for a lot of people it's inferred (it's not.)

But you know what I mean: How can God be wrong about where humans came from? The Bible says humans came from the earth, not from monkeys!

Well, basically my answer to that is that I wasn't there, so I obviously can't vouch for millions of years of monkey-fucking or thousands of years of miracles. What I do know is that, often time things stated in the Bible are not strictly meant to  reflect A UNIVERSAL TRUTH ABOUT THE NATURAL WORLD.

The Bible is not a  dry history book. Parts of it is poems. Part of it is songs. A lot of it is fables and allusions. You can see this in the way Jesus taught. He would talk about a man who gave his son his inheritance, and he squandered. He wasn't trying to establish that once an actual dude actually really for real did this. And you should not assume all parts of it actually went down, lest you get caught up in tales of Tree Monarchy.

The Bible uses a lot of phrasing. Many versions use the term "Uncover the nakedness" of a person. Uncovering the nakedness in this case is a phrase that means "cheat the person out  a partner", in the same way today we might say "pulling some bullshit" when there is no actual  bull feces being pulled. If you take it literally it says you can't look at Grandmas ass. It might seem funny, but what if she's dying and needs ass-to-mouth?

3)Ignoring the context

A lot of people say that the Bible justifies and glorifies genocide and war, because genocide and war happen in it. However clever people who say this  think they are, they clearly are ignoring one little fact: There wasn't no Geneva convention in the year 3000 BC.

Essentially we made the law that you can't kill a bunch of people and take their land relatively late. But in Biblical times, to call it something, this is how it was done, not JUST by the Hebrews, but by everyone. Or did you think guys like Alexander the Great and King Agamemnon got there by kissing babies?

The Historical parts of the Bible are not always meant to reflect what we'd call a "right action" or a "wrong action". Sometimes, it's just a bunch of stuff that happened.

One time a lady got raped. The guy who did it then turned to her brothers in an attempt to marry her. They convinced him to circumcise himself and all his crew for her hand in marriage. During that night and capitalizing on their dick-pains, the brothers of the raped lady killed all the guys. A biblical patriarch bemoaned the fact that his own people got him in trouble.  Who was right in this story? Yeah, didn't think so.

2) Taking opinions as cannon

I'm learning a lot at my church, and often you can learn just as much by what the other people don't know.We where discussing the part where it says that a Congregation with no gifts is dead and could not stand. He was discussing that, and came to the conclusion that perhaps that part was not true, for he knew many congregations of sucky ass-suckers that have subsisted for a long time, for example the Mita congregation.

More than 70 years ago there was a lady who claimed the Spirit of God resided in her more so than in other people. She was called Mita, and soon worship  truned from God to her. She claimed that she would die and then come back to life. But she only did half of that. Desperate to keep the faithful, they devised a new story: that the spirit of the lady, which inside it had the spirit of God, had resurrected indeed...inside all living member Aaron. Recently it's been found  Aaron had a baby and sort of hid it for forty years. The congregation remains.

So is the Bible wrong about that? Well, no, silly-bones. That part of the Bible happens to be A LETTER sent from one church to another. The author is clearly lecturing the people, and that part was not some all encompassing canon, but a mere opinion, meant to enforce particular values.

And if you say to me all the scripture is inspired by God, I'll tell you that Pain and Gain is "inspired by true events". Inspired isn't meant to mean it's all 100 percent true. Just that each part has a message to convey, in some way, at some point, to someone.

1)Assuming the message of a story is what you think it is

A lot of people have access to a pulpit and access to biblical teachings, and only  use one of those. Understanding what the Bible actually says takes time, and you can't waste time when you've got to warn the people about gay marriage. And that's how a lot of wrongful interpretations of what's in the Bible are born: when people who know nothing of the Bible base their interpretation of the Bible on that of other people who know nothing of the bible.

Take the story of Onan. It's become so synonymous with masturbation that it's  practically  it's own verb. I was told this story as a kid as a warning never to jerk off. And you know what, the story isn't about  that.

Basically God had said to this guy that he was gonna have a son. But when he was about to shoot his sperm into the lady, he pulled out, and then he threw it to the groooound! And God was angry. Because, again, context: The guy was basically denying God in his face. It's not that God gets angry if your semen can't find a home.

But the nice lady from the Church was a fuckin' prude. She was settled into the idea and just the "popular wisdom" of that verse was all she needed.

Another one is "The story of the adulterer woman", which has become a shorthand for " "Don't judge anything ever". And really,  if Big J.o.N. says "Don't Judge" then what else is there to say?

A lot. First of all, yes, the story is about Jesus showing the hypocrisy  of some religious people who are just as sinful as those they persecute. But no, it's not a barring on  judging actions, attitudes, situations, and character, as in, to analyze them based on their actual merit and arrive on a conclusion. You ARE supposed to do that. What you are NOT supposed to do is to clamp down on  and persecute others if you yourself have no moral high ground, lest you end up hurting the cause with your hypocrisy. Like, say, being a big anti-gay proponent who also is very gay, and often with kids.  Also, Jesus totally tells that lady to not sin anymore. NOT that she's right and that it's all cool. NOT THAT WE'RE ALL SPECIAL AND BEAUTIFUL AND DON'T FEEL LIKE A PLASTIC BAG.

Got it? Good.

5 most common ways to missinterpret the Bible at 9:58 AM

Look, I insist on not getting all religious on you: each of you's got a choice to make, or not make or whatever. But I've been studying the Good Book a lot. A lot of people hold this book as an immediate solution to all of life's problems. In those people's homes, I would not be surprised to find a dusty, unread Bible in some basement somewhere.

Basically this book, or rather collection of books, is in a foreign language, from a foreign culture, from more than 1500 years ago. So  it's not like you can start reading at the start of a train commute and get it before it stops. Because frankly, there's a lot to get. In the spirit of this, here's the 5 most common ways the Word of God can fly right over your head.

5)Ignoring all the jewey parts

This might be the single most common mistake. I've seen people who up and up declare that the only parts of the Bible that concern them start in the New Testament with the birth of the prophesized Messiah, and his sacrificial death. They say all the other parts, the ones about not eating bats and keeping the Shabath holy are for the Hebrews.

First of all, wise-guy: What did you think Jesus taught? He was a Rabbi. Without the teachings of the Law, he'd have had nothing to teach. He explicitely explains that he did not come to undo the law. What is the law? Well, the Torah, and all it's commandments.

Basically adopting this mindset is like only watching the last episode of a series. How can you even know why stuff is important if you you don't even know what they're talking about?

The day the prayers ended at 11:18 PM

Come on! What about THIS KING?

It happened last week. It was an otherwise completely normal morning, except for one exceptional detail: All religion ceased to exist in every part of the planet.

And it was as beautiful as you'd imagine: The birds where singing(except for those birds that whern't.) the sun was shining(except those places on the other side of the planet) and life carried on(except where it wasn't able to).

No longer did Crescent Moons, Crosses, or Pentagons represent any belief at all. No one said "Oh my God" anymore, as no one knew what that meant, but they yelled "Oh my Gosh"! which they didn't really know what meant either.

 And the preachers, the pastors, the orishas...they where gone! No one was going to mislead people into any religious ideology.

It was Sunday, I think. Feeling this brave new world, I turned on the news. It seems the religious conflict between Muslims and Jews in Palestine was over. It apparently was now a straightforward "We want all the good land, you take the shit land" conflict. No longer driven by any sense that the divine was leading them to claim land for themselves, they banked on years of respective recrimination and ethno-social differences to continue their endless struggle for the most resources. But at least is wasn't a religious battle anymore.

I put on the channel where my favorite televangelist used to be on, only to find Jenny McCarthy in a big podium, yelling about how vaccines caused every disease under the sun. The crowd watched intently as McCarthy yelled and condemned and welcomed and scorned. She was clearly a very charismatic woman, despite having the IQ and the medical knowledge of  a Playboy Model. Good to see her using it on things that aren't Religious. She clearly had a following.

She Blinded me with (pseudo)science!

When I changed it, I beheld a well dressed man who was telling a crowd that America had destroyed it's own economy in a devastating attack on itself to start war on several middle eastern countries. He had a pretty big following, too. Which is pretty amazing, for a guy whose theories are that things that aren't supposed to happen happening means the U.S. government is involved somehow.

But oh, the sciences! Without religion around anymore, nobody was able to stop wondrous scientific achievements. I mean, aside from petty bickering between scientists. And lack of funding. And competition. And...you know, the stuff that stops science today. That isn't religion.

And people loved, yet they also still hated. And people cried, yet where also known to laugh. And people where people, and corporations where people, too. Aren't human rights wonderful with religion out of the picture?

And I realized this new world was much different than mine. The names where different.  The Statue of Liberty was no longer based on "Libertas". And everyone acknowledged how awesome the Ancient Greeks where for being gay, and not just for subjugating most of the known world to a xenophobic regime in which only Greek Men had rights. I mean, gayness makes imperialism and slavery ok.

Aww, I can't stay mad at you for subjugating us, you saucy Greek Queen, you!

I get the appeal of a world like this, where changing one detail makes everything better, regardless of where everything came from. I used to have that, but of religion. I guess that's over now. I guess I can want anything to make the world better. Marijuana? Karate? Breast Augmentations? Dinosaucers? Hey, and even if claiming the world will be better if everyone watches Dinosaucers is pretty much ridiculously optimistic at best an outright fabrication at worst, at least I'll get more people to watch Dinosaucers with me. More people doing what I do and believing what I believe is good. For me.

It was a bold new world, so I wondered what I should do now for a while. Then I figured it out.

I'll do what I planned to do from yesterday.

The day the prayers ended at 11:18 PM

Come on! What about THIS KING?

It happened last week. It was an otherwise completely normal morning, except for one exceptional detail: All religion ceased to exist in every part of the planet.

And it was as beautiful as you'd imagine: The birds where singing(except for those birds that whern't.) the sun was shining(except those places on the other side of the planet) and life carried on(except where it wasn't able to).

No longer did Crescent Moons, Crosses, or Pentagons represent any belief at all. No one said "Oh my God" anymore, as no one knew what that meant, but they yelled "Oh my Gosh"! which they didn't really know what meant either.

 And the preachers, the pastors, the orishas...they where gone! No one was going to mislead people into any religious ideology.

It was Sunday, I think. Feeling this brave new world, I turned on the news. It seems the religious conflict between Muslims and Jews in Palestine was over. It apparently was now a straightforward "We want all the good land, you take the shit land" conflict. No longer driven by any sense that the divine was leading them to claim land for themselves, they banked on years of respective recrimination and ethno-social differences to continue their endless struggle for the most resources. But at least is wasn't a religious battle anymore.

I put on the channel where my favorite televangelist used to be on, only to find Jenny McCarthy in a big podium, yelling about how vaccines caused every disease under the sun. The crowd watched intently as McCarthy yelled and condemned and welcomed and scorned. She was clearly a very charismatic woman, despite having the IQ and the medical knowledge of  a Playboy Model. Good to see her using it on things that aren't Religious. She clearly had a following.

She Blinded me with (pseudo)science!

Proof of a Miracle at 7:51 AM

I said I do not talk about my religious beliefs too much in an earlier post, but I feel recent events warrant it.

Last Wednesday, my mother recieved a call that left her  pretty sad. I prodded, because I suspected what it might be, and I don't like being left in the dark. She told me our grandma had had a heart attack and was hospitalized. I prepared for the worst, but It did not  sound like she was dead. Friday we went to see her. I assisted my uncle, a Pastor/Rabbi of...well it's a Christian Church that takes those extra jewish parts seriously, in getting my cousin. My uncle told me, granny had fallen into a comma of which there was no hope of getting back from. He told me doctors said her vital signs where not compatible with life. It sounded pretty definitive. I fully expected the next day we'd be disconecting her.

But the next day we did not disconnect her. The next day, she awoke. She started getting better and better.


I know what you're thinking: "Now this religious nut guy is gonna take something that I can probably explain in a few sentences and say it was God that did it". You know what? Maybe it wasn't God. Maybe the machines where wrong. Maybe the Doctor made a mistake, or maybe he wanted to set expectations real low.

My granny's in her 80s. She's gonna die, and probably in not too long a time. So I say, yes, it's entirely possible I did not witness the work of an omnipotent being working behind the veil of what we know as real.

I may never know the reason, but I think I should still say this: Thank you God for helping  my Granma.

Proof of a Miracle at 7:51 AM

I said I do not talk about my religious beliefs too much in an earlier post, but I feel recent events warrant it.

Last Wednesday, my mother recieved a call that left her  pretty sad. I prodded, because I suspected what it might be, and I don't like being left in the dark. She told me our grandma had had a heart attack and was hospitalized. I prepared for the worst, but It did not  sound like she was dead. Friday we went to see her. I assisted my uncle, a Pastor/Rabbi of...well it's a Christian Church that takes those extra jewish parts seriously, in getting my cousin. My uncle told me, granny had fallen into a comma of which there was no hope of getting back from. He told me doctors said her vital signs where not compatible with life. It sounded pretty definitive. I fully expected the next day we'd be disconecting her.

But the next day we did not disconnect her. The next day, she awoke. She started getting better and better.


I know what you're thinking: "Now this religious nut guy is gonna take something that I can probably explain in a few sentences and say it was God that did it". You know what? Maybe it wasn't God. Maybe the machines where wrong. Maybe the Doctor made a mistake, or maybe he wanted to set expectations real low.

My granny's in her 80s. She's gonna die, and probably in not too long a time. So I say, yes, it's entirely possible I did not witness the work of an omnipotent being working behind the veil of what we know as real.

I may never know the reason, but I think I should still say this: Thank you God for helping  my Granma.

Apocalypse Watch: Val Verde at 1:04 PM

40 years. Plenty of time for it to happen

I don't want to post too much about my faith and stuff, because that's not what this Blog is, was mean to be, or I want it to be about. But...



...Some lady decided to say we are gonna get hit with a Tsunami. Wut?

For those of you who who are Spanish impaired, this nice lady is saying that she got a letter from someone in Venezuela,  who seemingly got a vision from God, where he's saying we've done fucked up now with our Gays and our Baals, and he's sending us the wave, a Tsunami that will apparently reach in as afar as a couple of municipalities/and/or the whole island. And very few will survive.

I'm usually not the kind of guy who believes any prophecy...and I'm not about to start now. People talk for God all the time, because they know  some people are too stupid to see their made up shit. Oh, yeah, this year it's the Tsunami.  "God-through-prophets" has said for years we're gonna get an earthquake/Tsunami/Deadly Hurricane. But I think we should challenge and analyze  prophecy for veracity. The Bible says that, and I'm a terrible Christian.

This? It's full of holes. Apparently God wants us to save  our supplies of Food for the crisis. If the whole island is underwater because of a Tsunami, how is my crushed up remains  supposed to get to  my can of Lima beans? And how come it's us? We've got like a million churches, each more anti-gay than the last. Hell, some of our politicians are trying to make our constitution less gay-friendly. We get a Boys Don't Cry-like crime almost twice every year and the only outrage is from  the Gay movement. Whattaya want, Lord?  What's that?

Kill? You...Oh, CHIIILL.I thought you where ordering me to murder.

Still, it's worth the thought: What's the plan? Sure, there's no plan if it's as dramatic as what she says. I guess, pray a lot and stuff bla bla bla. Sure, it's good for surviving the stuff, maybe. Beyond the prophesy, stuff, though, if our island's whole coast was flooded, we'd be in deep shit. Most of the food and other products we consume are imported, and most of that comes in ships. A flood would probably block the arrival of such necessities as medicine, food, and hairgel(necessary for breeding over here). Within a short span of time life as we know it would be strained. And let me put it this way: We had wounded on a Toy giveaway line. It's safe to say a foodline in here would be catastrophic.

So I need to plan for that.

First, I'm learning as many survivalist skills as possible. I don't want to wait for food, and I probably suck at looting. It's not about having cans of corned beefanyway: I'm gonna have to learn to produce my own food, and I'm hoping it's more in a simple agriculture way than in a "bear grills" kind of way.


Second, I know where to head that the zombies won't find me: the cemetery: My granny has a house that a funeral company built around on. There's land to grow stuff, it isn't too populated, and it's nicely fenced/creepy, which should keep supersticious and cowardly criminals at bay until they run out of bullets. And it's not too far from a river. I don't like not having water. It parches and kills me.

Finally, I'm preparing a backpack with provisions for it. Rope, slingshot and the instructions to starting civilization anew.

Oh, that's right, I'm starting civilization anew.  I know, it's pretty cool.

Note: must learn how to make pants.

See, I think you should see the good in everything, and while island spanning disaster and famine usually don't rank as  good unless you are making a movie inspired by them, it's also an opportunity for quick social ascension. With our government  in tatters and America very likely abandoning us(and how our already crippling debt and endangered credit would fare, I can't fully blame them.), the island would be ripe for rebirth. I will rechristen the new nation Val Verde.

Yes, Val Verde, like the fictional country you've read about that always shows up in movies. Here is our beautiful flag and  and coat of arms.

In Val Verde, my Latin is good.

I'm sure your flag is a blatant ripoff too.

Then there's also the issue of  chain of command.

Royal Fender(This is me)

           |

           |

    ------------------

                                                                      |                           |

                                                        Minister of                  Minister of
                                                     Defense  (my brother)          Offense(my cousin)
                                                           --------The others-----------
                                            

Hey, Megalomania is as good a hobby as any.

But it isn't all  80s action movies in Val Verde. I, being one of the few who remembered how to agriculture shit, will trade small amounts of food for  prelooted furniture and virgins. Hey, I need to repopulate the island, you know? I'm like Abraham, now:Willing to get a little side action going as long as  they'll remember it  was for the greater goodish...

I'll take it! No, just  the chick!

If this sounds really vacuous and nasty as a way to deal with a serious and sad scenario, think of  it like this: If I survive something like the proposed, I'm not doing it so that those who didn't can tell me what to do from their watery raves. And 'sides, it's not any darker than proposing this is God's will for us if it isn't true. Wich is exactly what I fear this lady might be doing. Don't stick your words in God's tongue, kids!

Apocalypse Watch: Val Verde at 1:04 PM

40 years. Plenty of time for it to happen

I don't want to post too much about my faith and stuff, because that's not what this Blog is, was mean to be, or I want it to be about. But...



...Some lady decided to say we are gonna get hit with a Tsunami. Wut?

For those of you who who are Spanish impaired, this nice lady is saying that she got a letter from someone in Venezuela,  who seemingly got a vision from God, where he's saying we've done fucked up now with our Gays and our Baals, and he's sending us the wave, a Tsunami that will apparently reach in as afar as a couple of municipalities/and/or the whole island. And very few will survive.

I'm usually not the kind of guy who believes any prophecy...and I'm not about to start now. People talk for God all the time, because they know  some people are too stupid to see their made up shit. Oh, yeah, this year it's the Tsunami.  "God-through-prophets" has said for years we're gonna get an earthquake/Tsunami/Deadly Hurricane. But I think we should challenge and analyze  prophecy for veracity. The Bible says that, and I'm a terrible Christian.

This? It's full of holes. Apparently God wants us to save  our supplies of Food for the crisis. If the whole island is underwater because of a Tsunami, how is my crushed up remains  supposed to get to  my can of Lima beans? And how come it's us? We've got like a million churches, each more anti-gay than the last. Hell, some of our politicians are trying to make our constitution less gay-friendly. We get a Boys Don't Cry-like crime almost twice every year and the only outrage is from  the Gay movement. Whattaya want, Lord?  What's that?

Kill? You...Oh, CHIIILL.I thought you where ordering me to murder.

Still, it's worth the thought: What's the plan? Sure, there's no plan if it's as dramatic as what she says. I guess, pray a lot and stuff bla bla bla. Sure, it's good for surviving the stuff, maybe. Beyond the prophesy, stuff, though, if our island's whole coast was flooded, we'd be in deep shit. Most of the food and other products we consume are imported, and most of that comes in ships. A flood would probably block the arrival of such necessities as medicine, food, and hairgel(necessary for breeding over here). Within a short span of time life as we know it would be strained. And let me put it this way: We had wounded on a Toy giveaway line. It's safe to say a foodline in here would be catastrophic.

So I need to plan for that.

First, I'm learning as many survivalist skills as possible. I don't want to wait for food, and I probably suck at looting. It's not about having cans of corned beefanyway: I'm gonna have to learn to produce my own food, and I'm hoping it's more in a simple agriculture way than in a "bear grills" kind of way.


Second, I know where to head that the zombies won't find me: the cemetery: My granny has a house that a funeral company built around on. There's land to grow stuff, it isn't too populated, and it's nicely fenced/creepy, which should keep supersticious and cowardly criminals at bay until they run out of bullets. And it's not too far from a river. I don't like not having water. It parches and kills me.

Finally, I'm preparing a backpack with provisions for it. Rope, slingshot and the instructions to starting civilization anew.

Oh, that's right, I'm starting civilization anew.  I know, it's pretty cool.

Note: must learn how to make pants.

5 parts of the Book of Exoddus that never make it into movies at 10:11 AM

You want some? Come get some!

Movies about the Bible have been done to death( and ressurection). Built in audience aside, this stories are often ripe for adaptations, full of good, evil and interpretation of both. And probably none more so than Exodus.

You know this story. A group of people are slaves in a foreign land, until  one of them becomes  part of the ruling class by accident. Eventually, the oppression of his people becomes too much for him and he decides to help them out, leading them to the only good land in a really shitty desert region  promised land..

Swampy isn't holy.

But not all parts of this story are iconic enough to be made believable as films, no matter how much Charlton Heston is Moses and Ralph Fiennes is Pharaoh. Some of them are straight up unadaptable. Such as...

5 God was trolling the Israelites

 So Moses shows up and tries to convince Pharaoh to let his people go after 3 or  4 plagues. And Pharaoh's got half a mind to let them go, too. And wouldn't you? How many frogs would you need in your house to convince you to higher powers are in the works?

But then God had to intervene. scripture says he "Hardened Pharaoh's Heart" so he would not let the Israelites go.

This is what it looked like on the animated version

God's motives are unclear. What is clear is that Old Testament God wanted this to play out exactly like it did.Obviously, in a movie, you can't have  God in a movie telling you on  one half to struggle for freedom, and on the other half making it difficult. It's like Arnie giving Predator weapons.

4 Moses had a speech impediment

I think we can safely say that if Moses was a real  man, he probably looked nothing like the movies would portray him to be. The Bible tells us nothing of his looks, and we are left to speculate how awesome his beard is.

Awesome!

But we can know, though, that  Moses had trouble talking. When God shows up to him as a burning bush and tells Moses to go free his people, Moses replies back that he can't talk for shit.

Less Awesome, somewhat.

We don't know if it was a stutter, or stage fright or didn't know the language. Maybe He had aspergers. I don't think he's lying, though, because he is later assisted in talking publicly by his brother Aaron. Which is why this won't make it into movies. Moses has to be the star, and he can't be if Aaron is the one who gets to say the cool things.

3 Moses stuffed the idol  down the Israelites throats

Moses came from a mountain where he had just died from seeing God, and man, he probably felt great. And God had given him this awesome stone tablets with commandments for a better life. A better world. It's hard to ruin a day like that, but the Israelites totally did.

When Moses came back, shit had degenerated to Courtney Love levels. Every kind of sin on the tablets was happening especially idolaty of golden statues. I think at this point Moses realized it the hard part WASN'T done, and he was going to have to deal with gold idols for a long time.

You may have heard Moses crushed the tablets of the law in anger. What you may not have heard is that he fed the gold idol it into a soup and fed it to his fellow desert-dwellers.


I don't think anyone would want to see Israelites eat grounded gold. I'm sure that has some symbolism of some sort, but hey, way the economy is going, maybe we soon oughta make and eat some Idols.

2 Moses Wasn't allowed to get to get to the promised land

After a talking to and a  nice dinner as seen above, it was well time the Israelites got to wander the desert for 40 years until they found the promised land. And they all got there. All of them except for Moses.


See, Moses I think by this point, had built some rage. God told him to speak to a rock to make water, but instead hit it with his staff.

That was a no-no.  So God told him if he was gonna rage, he better GTFO.

Moses

Not gonna see this on film. Because  this as an ending would have Mist like proportions. Think about it: escape assasination at birth, grow up royal, give up royalty to free your people, successfully free them, part the seas, look at Yahweh's face...then he kinda fucked it all up because he woke up angry that day
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1 God wanted a do-over

It really happened. God wanted to kill everyone of His people, but Moses convinced him his street cred was at stake.

'Course, Mose's idea for the situation wasn't entirely peace and love, either.

See, this is what kills it. Most movies have pretty clear cut heroes. The idea that the one who is liberating you is willing to kill you off if you cross him is hard to sell on an movie. But you can't make an omelet without wiping a few eggshells from the book of life, right? So maybe the next 4 hour long epic film about the good book will have a little less characterizing, and a lot more Old Testament God fury.

5 parts of the Book of Exoddus that never make it into movies at 10:11 AM

You want some? Come get some!

Movies about the Bible have been done to death( and ressurection). Built in audience aside, this stories are often ripe for adaptations, full of good, evil and interpretation of both. And probably none more so than Exodus.

You know this story. A group of people are slaves in a foreign land, until  one of them becomes  part of the ruling class by accident. Eventually, the oppression of his people becomes too much for him and he decides to help them out, leading them to the only good land in a really shitty desert region  promised land..

Swampy isn't holy.

But not all parts of this story are iconic enough to be made believable as films, no matter how much Charlton Heston is Moses and Ralph Fiennes is Pharaoh. Some of them are straight up unadaptable. Such as...

5 God was trolling the Israelites

 So Moses shows up and tries to convince Pharaoh to let his people go after 3 or  4 plagues. And Pharaoh's got half a mind to let them go, too. And wouldn't you? How many frogs would you need in your house to convince you to higher powers are in the works?

But then God had to intervene. scripture says he "Hardened Pharaoh's Heart" so he would not let the Israelites go.

This is what it looked like on the animated version