Disney planning underwhelming sequel to overrated hit Frozen at 10:00 AM

Who put this thiiiing togetheeeeer? Meeeeeeeeeee...

In a shocking revelation, Disney recently announced it likes money and would go beyond what we'd imagine to get it, up to and including a sequel to that song Let it Go that had a movie attached to it.

If I seem like a pessimist about it, hear me out. I don't understand the Frozen Hype at all. It's not all bad, there's some good bits, but the one thing that kills it for me is the villain.  I'm sorry, but a bland Disney Prince being the villain might have seemed revolutionary while writing it, but it just makes for a bland villain. The stakes aren't there, the Freeze powers aren't used all that creatively. Elsa, perhaps ironically the actually interesting character, is kind of not the focus throughout the movie. I don't like it.

But obviously I'm in the minority, and now a sequel is being made. Hell, as far Disney doing   sequels to it's movies, let's just say it hasn't gone right yet.

Dead Horse Attack! Attack of the Clones at 7:46 AM

"We've got some leftovers. Reheat this and put on some 3D to mask the flavor".

Sure enough, everything’s coming up Star Wars  for the foreseeable future.  The New movies, along with the 3D-fied  re-releases that got canceled the fuck out because Disney don't play nice with competitors and now writing this seems a smidge more pointless but it's already written, are gonna have us quoting Yoda until our tongues bleed.

In the 3D pipeline next comes along the less maligned  Attack of the Clones. With it’s reduced kid actor factor and  Jar Jar’s presence lessened,  and being  sandwiched between the overhyped  Ep I and the hilarious finale, I think this movie is far too ignored when it comes to the prequels. And with good reason. While the other 2 movies produced some iconography to go  along with their dubious achievements  , Attack of the Clones does not generate anything in the way of memorable, iconic moments.

On a personal note, this is the only Star Wars movie I own. It was sort of an impulse shopping choice. I already knew I wasn't impressed by it, but it was cheap and Star Wars. I've never even seen it fully, and that only ever happened with a select few DVD's of mine, including Ghost in the Shell Reborenning and some Civil War movie with zombies. I at least tried to watch the Civil War zombies movie before it became gay(no offense, gay people. I was already branching out of my element with Zombies and Civil War before the gayness. 2 elements I don't care about is fine, 3 is stretching.)

What I’m saying is that Attack of the Clones is the worst Star Wars movie of all time, discounting the Ewok spinoff’s and Clone Wars CG movie(mostly because I didn’t see them).Here’s my reasons why.

George Lucas is a creepy, creepy man

"Not like sand at all..."

The movie is notorious for it’s romantic subplot. If anything happens in here, it’s set up of how every single thing that happens in Star Wars ever is all because of a dame. And killing children, avenging a mother and having more power. But most of all because of a dame.

Regardless how charming you think sand is, you have to remember that when Anakin met Queen Padme, he was a mere, doomed child. After Naboo, they did not meet until years later, when he’s ben inducted into the Jedi order and she’s been downgraded from Queen to Senator (I don’t think Lucas understands how Monarchy works.) Once he meets  her again, they’re all in love and stuff.

I guess what I’m saying is that old G.L. meant for Anakin a young boy who grew up in poverty, to have fallen in love with Parme, a fully grown woman  of royal blood since the moment they met. There's precedent and everything.  I’d spare you the thought of  Jake Lloyd wacking off to holocrons of Padmen’s senatorial hearings…but I hate you.

Now, I’m not saying that it’s wrong for people to fall in love with people they met as kids, or for people to fall in love despite large age differences(let’s face it, even dramatically, the least age difference between Padme and Anakin is 7 years). But it’s strongly implied that they fell in love when they first met. That this movie confirms that “are you an angel?” is a pick up line is just plain wrong.

Villains are miss or miss

"It's a stupid plan, alright? Hopefully we'll leave this franchise and get paid before we get decapitated."

Episode I killed the one thing everyone agreed was good about it: Marauding, scary-face-painted Darth Maul. For what it’s worth he was genuinely  well executed, missing only some character. They set up the threat, had him chase the good guys, showed his menace by having him kill a good guy, and then he died.

So EpII had at least the one good thing to live up to. It’s villains where Jango Fett and Count Dooku. Let’s break it down.

Jango is the father of Bobba Fett, who is not important at all in any movies. But as both a merchandisable entity and a callback to older films, I get it. Sure, where Bobba Fett came from before  dying like crap is important. Whatev.

Thing is, Jango, who sets up events by trying to kill Padme for some reason, is not a good emerging batter for Maul.Where Maul  offered constant menace , Jango is not an active danger. Where Maul upped the Ante  for Star Wars combat, Jango’s high point is that space chase, which was marred with with the whole “take your kid to kill Jedi” thing.

As  much as Maul was a wasted opportunity for Obi Wan to fight later, Jango is a complete waste. He’s after Anakin’s girl, (and this is sort of his love story) and yet there’s no sense that Anakin cares about getting that guy. Or Obi Wan might want a rematch for his beat down at Kamino. But that doesn’t happen. Hell, If Padme killed Jango, if might have given her a little edge. But instead, Samuel L Jackson in a robe kills him. The guy who precipitated all the films events just gets offed casually by  a character who doesn’t do much else. Hurray?

But I guess Jango is just the warming act to the film’s real villain: Count Dooku. Dooku is, no joke, the least impressive Star Wars villain ever.

There are several factors that make a good villain. One is menace. Darth Vader had this. Vader was shown to be a menace early on, and powerfull enough to command the loyalty of his troops. Count Dooku is first mentions along the lines of “no way is this guy evil!” And that’s at nearly half the movie!

Right before our climax we meet our dreaded…um…political idealist. An old bearded man played by Christopher Lee(well, you could have implied the former from the latter). I hope no one takes me for a hater: I like Christopher Lee. It’s just the fact that the other factor Star Wars villains is otherworldly appearances.  Guys like Jabba, Mail, and Vader have  outlandish physical  designs, which help boost the fact they are the bad guys. Dooku is Christopher Lee’s head on a stuntman, in an attempt to be “hip” with the kids that where all into Lord of the Rings.

I guess if Dooku had a motivation, it could  offset the plainness. But he’s a political idealist(and a former Jedi, because apparently you CAN just up and quit) for something we won’t see.  Maybe he’s against gay marriage, or maybe he wants to to clear away the corruption of the Senate…by establishing a clearly evil dictator in place. You’d think after all the political bullcrap they put in the movies, they’d at least make this more clear.

The movie is the least essential to the others

"Something's going on down there. Even if I wasn't a Clone I still don't think I'd know what."

You could make the case the prequels where wholly unnecessary as expansionary devices to the Star Wars mythology. Indeed, the backstories of characters like C3PO and BobbaFett are unrequired at best, and what it does to Yoda, Anakin, and Obi Wan is not much of an addition.

But in truth, they do set up up the main conflict  and characters from the OT. But do you need to watch Attack of the Clones for that?

See, Episode I is the set up to the whole scene, but it’s mostly it’s own movie. It Establishes the bad guys, the good guys, and the mysterious mystery of the Sith. II and III are more of a tandem. But what does II set up? Well, romance and a few injuries. At the end of I they where at war with robots, and by the start of Ep III they’re at war with robots. That an unconcluded conflict was started on an unconcluded battle is not necessary knowledge. You could arguably skip II and skip straight to III, and not be missing much.

In dramatic terms, the selling point of Anakin’s descent into the dark side is very mishandled. Besides having to regress his characterization later in III, the whole thing where he avenges his mother by slaying a whole city worth of people is  treated like a misdemeanor, and plays no part into how and why he becomes Vader. When you can fit a whole TV show between movies, perhaps there was no need for a movie.

But maybe it’s a trouble with  middling chapters to preset trilogies. Matrix Reloaded, Pirates of the Caribean 2…a filler episode might fly on TV, but not as a movie.

The movie is most dependent on the others

Obiwan's gonna pick Cable and Magneto for the Umpteenth time!

If you haven’t seen any other Star Wars film ever, or the millions of hours spent discussing their story, cultural impact, or characters, the second part of the second trilogy is a bad place to start.

It starts of with someone being targeted for murder for no reason. There’s two people who have met before, and are sort of in love. There’s a Lizard man who wants revenge against  a senator.  And Christopher Lee has a hologram of a ball.

Trying to shoehorn as much OT iconography and backstories hurts this movie like no other. When Dooku casually checks out  the plans of the Death Star, it assumes somebody asked where the Death Star was designed, and hopes they aren’t disappointed the answer is “some bug guy's planet you ain’t ever heard of ”.

Basically in it’s entire running nothing happens that isn’t set up by the prequel, or meaningful without the OT and just as something threatens to happen it ends. For what happened, tune in to Clone Wars, on Cartoon Network!Or don't. It's cancelled!

Everything is disappointing

The Bar was set pretty low after Episode I became a running joke. You’d think by curtailing the excesses and working on the  script more, the movie could have been at least closer to the originals in spirit.

But that is not the way of the Lucas. Rather than focus on the franchise's strengths, it tries things that where never a part of it such as investigation, and romance. And I would commend the innovation (and continued influence on the Prequels of movies like The Matrix, Crouching Tiger/Hidden Dragon,  and Gladiator) if it had been well weaved into the mold(I lost track of the metaphor, I think). But I don’t think in the future people will look fondly on the scene where Anakin rides the space cow in a montage, or when a kid explains to Obi Wan how someone probably did something on purpose.

And no, no curtailing excesses, here. Throw everything in, boys! Yoda fighting, a giant arena battle with monsters, C3PO in a crazy conveyor belt. This is all in the last half hour of the movie, and I left out stuff!

14 Year old me loved Episode I. 17 year old me felt no hype for Attack. And once it was shown to me, I felt extremely underwhelmed, and I didn’t even have expectations for it. Every other Star Wars film leaves you with something. This one just leaves you.

Dead Horse Attack! Attack of the Clones at 7:46 AM

"We've got some leftovers. Reheat this and put on some 3D to mask the flavor".

Sure enough, everything’s coming up Star Wars  for the foreseeable future.  The New movies, along with the 3D-fied  re-releases that got canceled the fuck out because Disney don't play nice with competitors and now writing this seems a smidge more pointless but it's already written, are gonna have us quoting Yoda until our tongues bleed.

In the 3D pipeline next comes along the less maligned  Attack of the Clones. With it’s reduced kid actor factor and  Jar Jar’s presence lessened,  and being  sandwiched between the overhyped  Ep I and the hilarious finale, I think this movie is far too ignored when it comes to the prequels. And with good reason. While the other 2 movies produced some iconography to go  along with their dubious achievements  , Attack of the Clones does not generate anything in the way of memorable, iconic moments.

On a personal note, this is the only Star Wars movie I own. It was sort of an impulse shopping choice. I already knew I wasn't impressed by it, but it was cheap and Star Wars. I've never even seen it fully, and that only ever happened with a select few DVD's of mine, including Ghost in the Shell Reborenning and some Civil War movie with zombies. I at least tried to watch the Civil War zombies movie before it became gay(no offense, gay people. I was already branching out of my element with Zombies and Civil War before the gayness. 2 elements I don't care about is fine, 3 is stretching.)

What I’m saying is that Attack of the Clones is the worst Star Wars movie of all time, discounting the Ewok spinoff’s and Clone Wars CG movie(mostly because I didn’t see them).Here’s my reasons why.

George Lucas is a creepy, creepy man

"Not like sand at all..."

The movie is notorious for it’s romantic subplot. If anything happens in here, it’s set up of how every single thing that happens in Star Wars ever is all because of a dame. And killing children, avenging a mother and having more power. But most of all because of a dame.

Regardless how charming you think sand is, you have to remember that when Anakin met Queen Padme, he was a mere, doomed child. After Naboo, they did not meet until years later, when he’s ben inducted into the Jedi order and she’s been downgraded from Queen to Senator (I don’t think Lucas understands how Monarchy works.) Once he meets  her again, they’re all in love and stuff.

I guess what I’m saying is that old G.L. meant for Anakin a young boy who grew up in poverty, to have fallen in love with Parme, a fully grown woman  of royal blood since the moment they met. There's precedent and everything.  I’d spare you the thought of  Jake Lloyd wacking off to holocrons of Padmen’s senatorial hearings…but I hate you.

Star Wars Episode VII wish list at 12:13 PM

Am I late to the Star Wars Episode VII  speculation madness? Maybe. I'll just have to deduct this last 7 days from the next 3 years, huh?

It's crazy that it's been less than a month and we've already got 2 rumored directors, Mathew Vaughn and Some Other Guy. At this point Ep 7 is a formless mass in the future, and we feel we could shape it somehow by projecting our ideas into the web vacuum, even though it's  unlikely. Still, I am not immune, so here's a grab bag of my random wishes. So please...

Let Neil Blomkamp direct

And if he WAS racist, that's just perfect for Star Wars anyway.

Every fanboy out there is trying to rope up the bigger names in nerd franchises, because they think JJ Abraham's is about to drop out of Star Trek just for this and Christopher Nolan is willing to direct every single genre movie. Personally, I would much rather get District 9 director Neil Blomkamp. Watch Alive at Jorburg and tell me otherwise.

Blomkamp's visual style is what Star Wars was missing with the prequels\s ubberclean greenscreen rooms. Sure, D9 wasn't exactly the most original story ever, but if that's what you expect from Ep 7, then you need to ground your expectations a little.

Let Michelle Rodriguez have a part in it

She's not scared! She just wanted to know what it felt like!

Michelle Rodrguez is awesome. I don't think I should elaborate more on that. And if there's a part for a rough character woman in ther, Michelle should have it. Boy, did you just search your feelings? You know this shit be true!

Again, you're not shooting  some fancy Oscar bait film, here.  Michelle Rodriguez as a bounty hunter.

Let there be some kind of new Jedi type weapons

No, it's not a Swastika...I think.

The creation of new iconography is as important as the usage of the old one.  The Prequels found some  early success in this are with Darth Maul, and never did top it.

As iconic as the Lightsabres are, they are merely placeholders for actual swords. In this sense, other types of weapons should be given the same general treatmen. Dai-Katana, Halberds, lances, shields. Do not limit yourselves to what already exists. Since Star Wars is essentially Samurai and Cowboys in space, let's put some Kung Fu into that, huh?

Let there be less lightabre duels...but let those be meaningfull

Whoa! CG Yoda vs CG Cristpher Lee!

Again, Lightsabers are sort of important to Star Wars. But their usage should be tempered.

Each character should have a style of their own, according to their personality. They shouldn't just be whacking away at each other. Darth Maul, again, created a space for himself in the lore, but there isn't much to like him besides the aesthetics. Then again...Bobba Fett.

Let the story NOT follow Skywalker's kids.

Let's do this quick, boys. I left my shift at the construction site and my boss is a dick..

Dear Disney: If you can't do better than the Expanded Universe, then don't do nothing. Or do so anyway, make money, and have me pay for it. Either way I don't want to see the next generation of Lukes and Leias. Follow a new group of leads. They don't have to spiritually be sequels to Luke and Leia anyway.

If Original Trilogy  characters or their spawn must be in, let them be support for the new characters.

Let it not be overhyped...too late!

The problem with Star War is everyone feels they know it, and it's grown into more than what it originally was...some adventure movies. The new movies can't reach the beholden status of those. If you shoot for that, you will never reach it.

Well, see you guys in 2015. I'm sure It's the last time I'll be talking about this subject.

Star Wars Episode VII wish list at 12:13 PM

Am I late to the Star Wars Episode VII  speculation madness? Maybe. I'll just have to deduct this last 7 days from the next 3 years, huh?

It's crazy that it's been less than a month and we've already got 2 rumored directors, Mathew Vaughn and Some Other Guy. At this point Ep 7 is a formless mass in the future, and we feel we could shape it somehow by projecting our ideas into the web vacuum, even though it's  unlikely. Still, I am not immune, so here's a grab bag of my random wishes. So please...

Let Neil Blomkamp direct

And if he WAS racist, that's just perfect for Star Wars anyway.

Every fanboy out there is trying to rope up the bigger names in nerd franchises, because they think JJ Abraham's is about to drop out of Star Trek just for this and Christopher Nolan is willing to direct every single genre movie. Personally, I would much rather get District 9 director Neil Blomkamp. Watch Alive at Jorburg and tell me otherwise.

Blomkamp's visual style is what Star Wars was missing with the prequels\s ubberclean greenscreen rooms. Sure, D9 wasn't exactly the most original story ever, but if that's what you expect from Ep 7, then you need to ground your expectations a little.

Leaked in Early Secrets- Marvel's Dark, Tall, TALL new villain at 10:54 AM

We are so fuckin' spoiled these days...

Who didn't enjoy Marvel's Avengers movie? I'll tell you: that stupid crazy guy my brother gat paid to haul around. He's always asking if Ron Jeremy is in the Avengers. Dude, get help!

But that aside, everyone liked it, it made industrials amount of money before we even touch merchandising, and all is well in Marvel Land. Except for the books, those aren't selling.

Pachinko Wolverine is still not happy, though.

But you did not come to hear what you know, but Leaked in Early Secrets (my doctor said I should shorten it to L.I.E.S. so I don't get carpal tunnel syndrom. I don't remember if she said it while I did her and her sexy nurse at the same time, or after.) And so, get ready to hear the real, nonest for real future truth about the Marvel Universe.

If Fox doesn't start filming Daredevil anything by October 10, the rights to Daredevil return to Marvel, where  unless marvel stops making money and they sell it, it shall stay until the mountains wither and the rivers stop. And so, Marvel is already eyeing  the juicy, fruitful Daredevil fanchise for a future movie, right?

Oh, no! Marvel already has all the movies it needs set up to come out in the next few years. And let's face it, If Marvel wanted a street level hero, they've plenty of choice.

No the real sweet part of the deal is bringing back from the diaspora Daredevil's supporting cast. Guys like Kingpin, Bullseye The Hand, Elektra, and other's such have great applications within the movies and stories Marvel is already doing. So where am I going, exactly?

Jennifer Garner is cool, but crude, and Ben Affle-eck, is a party dude!

Well, I tilted my antenna just north of south(I'm bein litterall, I have antenna on my head), and I hear from my sources that whatever preliminary story work on Avengers 2 is being reworked to this new possibility. Thanos is being relegated to the Guardians of the Galaxy, and instead, the main badguy for Avengers is set to be the BIGGEST THREAT OF ALL! A REAL TALL ORDER OF A NASTY! THE ONE WHO LOOKS DOWN ON ALL THE HEROES! STILT-MAN!

Coming this Fall...

Wilbur Day, is a scientists assistant, who steals the invention and uses it to steal even more as the Stiltman, having incredible heights, enhanced durability, and affecting the probablity field of carnivals to make them less boring.

At the end of Captain America 2 they already have a teaser planned out, where Bucky, Cap and The Falcon are enjoying themselves at a circus, when they sort of look up and the ominous shadow of the Stiltman looms over them. There's gonna be a scene in Ironman where Tony Stark is making out with Pepper Potts in the 5th Floor of a hotel, and  STILT-MAN'S HEAD CAN BE SEEN PASSING BY THE WINDOW, UNCONCERNED!

Course, at the end of Avengers 2 Stilt-man calls into a Helicarrier's Intake and explodes, and we see his  funeral, we get a glimpse of his wife, and the following exchange ensues:


Maria Hill: Excuse me, lady? 

Glenda Day: "Lady?"

Maria Hill: We have questions about your husband, Stilt-man.

Glenda Wise: My husband's name was Wilbur day.

Maria Hill: He killed Black Panther and died a monster, lady. He was a monster.

Glenda Day: And I was his wife.  Ms Stilt-Man. Lady Stilt-man!


Wowser! Are yo excited, cuz I'm excited! It's unbelievable.  I mean, hardly believable at all. So great! And so, remember: I cannot tell a lie, but I can tell  many L.I.E.S.! Batzarro AWAY!

Leaked in Early Secrets- Marvel's Dark, Tall, TALL new villain at 10:54 AM

We are so fuckin' spoiled these days...

Who didn't enjoy Marvel's Avengers movie? I'll tell you: that stupid crazy guy my brother gat paid to haul around. He's always asking if Ron Jeremy is in the Avengers. Dude, get help!

But that aside, everyone liked it, it made industrials amount of money before we even touch merchandising, and all is well in Marvel Land. Except for the books, those aren't selling.

Pachinko Wolverine is still not happy, though.

But you did not come to hear what you know, but Leaked in Early Secrets (my doctor said I should shorten it to L.I.E.S. so I don't get carpal tunnel syndrom. I don't remember if she said it while I did her and her sexy nurse at the same time, or after.) And so, get ready to hear the real, nonest for real future truth about the Marvel Universe.

If Fox doesn't start filming Daredevil anything by October 10, the rights to Daredevil return to Marvel, where  unless marvel stops making money and they sell it, it shall stay until the mountains wither and the rivers stop. And so, Marvel is already eyeing  the juicy, fruitful Daredevil fanchise for a future movie, right?

Oh, no! Marvel already has all the movies it needs set up to come out in the next few years. And let's face it, If Marvel wanted a street level hero, they've plenty of choice.

No the real sweet part of the deal is bringing back from the diaspora Daredevil's supporting cast. Guys like Kingpin, Bullseye The Hand, Elektra, and other's such have great applications within the movies and stories Marvel is already doing. So where am I going, exactly?

Jennifer Garner is cool, but crude, and Ben Affle-eck, is a party dude!

Well, I tilted my antenna just north of south(I'm bein litterall, I have antenna on my head), and I hear from my sources that whatever preliminary story work on Avengers 2 is being reworked to this new possibility. Thanos is being relegated to the Guardians of the Galaxy, and instead, the main badguy for Avengers is set to be the BIGGEST THREAT OF ALL! A REAL TALL ORDER OF A NASTY! THE ONE WHO LOOKS DOWN ON ALL THE HEROES! STILT-MAN!

Scolding Reviews: Inspector Gadget 2 at 12:54 AM

There's a dog in this movie, kids! You like that shit, right?

I've always sustained that, when adapting, you can't let  the original material being simple stop you in the way of making  a good product. Sure, the original Transformers series wasn't the height  of writing, but that's where you come in and make it interesting. Give new layers to the story and characters. Do a fresh take.

Or you could  have  pee jokes and questionable morality. And then blame the original material.

1999's Inspector Gadget was...not the best movie in the world and certainly not the best adaptation of the source material either.. However, the original cartoon had a pretty thin premise: A cybernetic doofus detective spy gets into worldwide adventures against a dangerous organization while a combination of luck and help from children and dogs win the day, which lead everyone, from the series' unseen villain to the hero himself, to think he was a force to reckoned with. The movie, however, was about a cybernetic mall cop who gets tooth paste put on him, and through a combination of Talking Car and the power of heart gets to defeat the always seen villain.

Also, Boy bands where involved.

In that sense, the 2003 sequel is closer to the source material. However, it still lives in the same universe as the first movie. In more senses than one.

The movie starts with Gadget going after an old lady for a slight speeding violation. It turns out, thought, she was the Police chief's mother, turning this into a twisted thriller about corruption and nepotism.

Also, they sort of recast everyone. Mathew Broderick, Michelle Tretchenberger, Rupert Everett...none of them are back.In their place we have an Earnest like Camera mugger, some girl who barely registers, and some guy in Panama hats. Even the thugs where recast. I guess they where just too good for a 3 years too late straight to video, severely lower budget cash in, right?

The whole thing is.

It turns out Gadget is just bored because, between  movies, he defeated all crime in the city. This is, despite his system "glitching out", which in this case is that Inspector Gadget thing where he orders one thing, and another entirely different thing comes out. He's sort of always had that.

It's worth noting that the cartoon sound effects from  Inspector Gadget Uno are mostly gone. However, in keeping with the spirit of the first movie, he's still filled with mostly things that don't help the fight against crime. Think about this: this Man Machine project must have cost millions: why would you put chewing gum in there? Even in the original cartoons, it was mostly useful stuff like telescopic arms and helicopter craniums. And that was a cartoon!

You're gonna be a bad motherfucker...when you're not blowing bubbles.

Still, while the local science guy is unable to help with his glitches, he subtly hints at the encroaching obsolescence of Gadget, which he doesn't seem to take too seriously. Also, Penny, who somehow managed  to not be like Michelle Tretchenberger Or the cartoon Penny without being like, black or a man or  something, wants to solve cases with her uncle. However, the plot soon gets going as Dr Claw escapes from jail.  And now they're trying an entirely different voice, closer to the menacing original as well as trying to do the whole "you can't see him" thing ..

See, most kids in 2003 probably wouldn't get a Blofeld rip off parody that wasn't fucking Dr Evil, but the essence is that the character is mysterious.  Now, we saw this Claw, and he's still the Dr Claw that has "the clamps". Everyone sees him, in broad daylight. Why bother? If you're gonna make a sequel to the movie, make a sequel to the movie. At least his promise to gain weight at the end of the first one sort of came true.

So , the Good Doctor plans to steal the federal reserve, which is now in Inspector Gadget's city because it's so safe with a guy who can shoot toothpaste on a whim(with a 10% margin of error in which a novelty umbrella comes out instead).  So in 10 days they are tasked with stealing a laser, fuel cells and a ruby. Knowing science won't help you guess what he's planning.

Meanwhile, at a gala event, they announce a sequel to the original Gadget, the all robot, all woman G2.

Hot French Cop Action!

 Yes, even though crime is a thing of the past, they still felt the need to add more robots to the city. Here's a thought: Why not share your cyborgs with towns that DO have crime? Maybe rent them?

That said, G2 is pretty cool. Played rather robotically by Elaine Hendrix and given a moderately cool costume, she's essentially the highlight of this movie.

Anyway, Gadget  becomes worried that he might no longer be necessary, and this existential crisis  lends a  lot of characterization has an erection at the sight of G2.  Even after he's publicly humiliated in front of a live audience, Gadget still has the hots for her, and even being taken off the Claw case doesn't engender any animosity toward G2. I have a penis too, but if a sexy lady stole my job from under my nose, I'd still be angry with her.

Under Penny's advise, Gadget enters undercover in one of those bars where Steven Seagal beats people up, dressed like half Matches Malone, half Patch. But being a lovable buffoon, he quickly gets people punching him, while Penny successfully sneaks into Dr Claws  evil Henchmen audition, which includes a dude called "The Ninja".  When asked why he's called that, he flips into the air and cuts a fly off the guy's forehead.

They call me Ninja because of my introverted personality and  tendency to hide from my  landlord.

So, G2 comes to Gadget's rescue, because he doesn't have enough toothbrushes in his hands to deal with a bar full of surly PG13 bikers.

After proving her superiority a second time, G2 finds herself with macking and offers of working together by Gadget. But she works alone, damn it! I don't question why the city would put breasts on a crime fighting robot. Breasts tend to make those better. But wouldn't they WANT a cooperative robot?

Still, Gadget gets threatened with being fired if he interferes again with the case. But as you might have guessed, he goes there anyway. And ruins everything G2's graphically deficient, poorly  edited fight scene accomplished and the bad guys get away with the fuel cells.

However, she does fail to recognize this as "surrender". It's ED-209 all over again.

Gadget gets demoted to toilet scrubbing duties which, to be fair, he's better equipped to do than crime fighting. While Claw takes a pretty good dig at this, he also unveils his next plan, the acquisition of an experimental laser. But they would need to distract Gadget with a red herring letter. Gadget, however discusses the letter with her Niece by doing that thing where a character says something, and then the second one says it like he didn't hear it. You know, like in the Flinstones. For those of you playing at home, the answer is "very, very old and not even that funny back then".

Regardless, Gadget goes to a science fair, because it could be a trap.  There, two of Claw's Henchmen, disguised as bespectacled Rosie O'Donnell and bespectacled  Helen DeGeneres successfully implant a device on Gadget that lends Claw direct control of him. With full control of his archenemy, Claw  makes him embarrass himself by spilling his McDonald's Combo(even a McHotdog!), making him dance and making him slime a Nobel prize winner.

Seriously, I don't know what they are.

Now, I know this movie is directed at kids. It would be unfair of me to ask that Claw make Gadget kill himself, or go after his loved ones and murder them slowly. However, spilling your product placement is not the best option here either. How about making Gadget steal the laser? Then we could have had some G2 vs Gadget action.

Then Inspector Gadget gets thrown off the force even after explaining what happened. He struggles with finding a job despite being a crime ending celebrity that apparently even won an Academy Award. Come on, dude, Charlie Sheen never won no Oscar, and he still gets gigs, despite murder attempts. No other city wants a crime fighter cyborg that ends crime?

Penny continues to try and keep on the case, but she gets browbeat by Gadget. She says  he doesn't believe in her and goes off to cry.

You know what this is? It's set up for betrayal. I've seen it a million times. First they establish the lack of trust and increasing rancor between each part.  Then there's a scene like this:

P-Penny? What are you doing here? I heard a Henchmen of Dr Claw was around here...

Don't you get it, uncle Gadget? You never trusted me! You threw me under the bus, even as I was 3 times the detective you will ever be!

What are you saying Penny? Penny what are YOU TALKING ABOUT? Don't let this get out of hand, Penny. (mugs at the Camera)

Here's the punchline to that stupid pun, Uncle.

Nooooooooo!

What? Uh, Daydreaming again... No, she doesn't stay down for long. Cue the montage of Penny detective-ing, Gadget failing at life, and Claws Henchmen stealing, even though they only need one more thing. Who knows.  Then Dr Claw and his men hit a fundraiser event, use laughing gas on everyone, subdue G2 and make off with the Ruby. Of course, Gadget was a valet at the event, and he successfully remains ignorant of it. He even opens the door for the villains. I call bull on that one.

Come on, Gadget, you recognize this guy. He's like a fat Rupert Everett. You've seen him UP CLOSE! I guess his Panama Hat is great at hiding his identity...

You where this close to his face! Andy Dick was there!

Penny gets kidnapped, then the chief declares that the whole "Robot Cop" program is not working out. They take G2 back to the precinct for "deactivation". She takes it well.

No, seriously, she cries a little. Because the people behind the Gadget project made a machine that feels bad and cries about being scrapped, and discarded it after a single mistake. Again, millions of dollars of research on Gadget and G2 and they're throwing them out the window the first chance they get. Your tax dollars at work! No wonder you Americans are so uptight about that. Just kidding!

No new things! No New things!

However, the subplot of man's desertion of it's own creation and what it means to be human is quickly disposed off as Gadget takes G2 out of her...recycling pod the very next scene. Then they flirt. Now, this movie never shied away from the fact Gadget was gonna get with the robot, but they have zero chemistry. Or maybe it's just that Gadget is unlikeable in this movie. You gotta wonder why Brenda left him.

A previously hinted at device is used on Brain the dog to reveal that Claw has kidnapped Penny. This triggers powerful yet cliche dialogues like " I should have listened to her". They suit up. No butt-shots sadly/fortunately.

Then Claw reveals to Penny, as Super Villains are known to do, his plan: he would use the laser, the ruby and the fuels cells to somehow make a Time Displacement Laser, a device that can stop time itself by bouncing off a satellite. I know this IS sort of scifi and sort of for children, but it makes using diamonds to create ice sort of believable.

I can make it fly if you get me two fishbowls and a defibrillator.

That said, the effect is moderately well realized. It's no Matrix, (and didn't everyone want to be in 2003?) but they don't spare on showing things frozen in midair. Claw sends the whole town into Bullet Time, then moves in to steal the Federal Reserve. However, Vanilla Gadget and G2 escape from the blast, then return to face the villains.

While you wonder if things that are frozen in time wouldn't explode when impacted by things not frozen in time because the force is being exerted at essentially no time...Claw robs the Bank. He's getting a kick out of it, too, until the good guys show up. Then Claw uses Penny as a human shield and drives away. So G2 has to fight the minions, and Gadget has to rescue his next of kin. But wait, Gadget is a total screw-up has glitches!

So G2 and Gadget switch chips(continuity snag ahead, as Gadget's chip was destroyed in the first movie. But the power of love or something revived him. So I guess they don't die without the chip, now?) I guess there's some kind of lesson about how we can all be heroes or how the New G needs to get the stick out of her ass. However, G2 uses the old chip, which I guess activates her 1930s Cartoon gag weapon-set DLC to devastating effect on some goons. See, G2 isn't a weak ass like Gadget, and she don't let a bad chip slow her down.  However, the new chip on Gadget doesn't really make him much more than barely effective.

The chip is docked in her cleavage. Another point for G2.

The final chase sequence is pretty well realized. It would be easy to ignore the fact time froze in mid day in a busy city by having magically empty streets, but the fact that time froze is constantly reinforced. I'm not saying it looks "real" or anything, but for Direct to home vid, it wasn't too bad. Eventually, after Gadget catches up to Claw, he puts Penny on a wheeled cart with bowling pin bombs(It makes sense in context...maybe) and Gadget has to free her just before one of those convenient bomb timers from movies ends. However, because they waste a lot of time, they don't really get too far away before it explodes.

Where are my Hurt Locker direct to Home sequels?

So you might think that they're probably dead because they SHOULD be, or  escaped on a refrigerator or something, but in actuality they just survived.  Penny is a little Scorched and Gadget falls from the sky. Hey, it's a live action cartoon, right? Severe eardrum damage is for the birds!

After some quick bonding, they jump AHEAD of Claw(who I guess must have been driving in circles) and stop his car by sticking a bunch of bubblegum in the floor. The result is pretty unsightly.

Claw, though, has a pretty advanced rocket on the wagon and flies away. But he'll get you next time, Gadget! Even if he could have gotten you this one easy and this plan barely had anything to do with you, and you'd think he's be pretty sore from his fall from grace! Silence, Panama Hat!

So they stop the machine by guessing the password and return the city to it's proper chronology, showing us the people who  didn't feel affected by the bullet time, and not the confused or dead guy who was kicked in the face by Gadget during the chase.

So everyone gets medals except for the dog and the car, and Gadget acknowledges his niece's right to exist as a crime fighting detective in a city that has no crime to speak of. And then Gadget and G2 kiss, because movie romance am good! We no need characters  sin-gull aftarr movie! One final cartoon gag and...courtains(or rather, the menu screen)

What did I think? While the movie is underwhelming as a whole, there are some good elements here. Mostly regarding G2, who disappears from the movie for a pretty good bit. The final chase wasn't bad.  And Claw, while not quite Frank Welker, does have a sort of cartoonish viscerality.

There is some more characterization beyond the first movie. Penny's role is expanded from what was essentially a glorified cameo in the first movie, and it's a little more realistic than the cartoon about the relationship between a proactive, heroic girl and a conceited, self-righteous hero parent figure. The contrast with Gadget's all around cartoony personality often clash, though. And while Brenda's role as support and love interest is lost, G2 as a heroic partner and all around awesome device is far more entertaining, even with all the missed storytelling potential and forced romance.

However, In making Gadget almost as aloof as his cartoon version, it essentially turns him into a huge douche.   The whole character and the way he's brought on screen is mostly bothersome. I don't know if he was miscast of if it was just horrible material, but I hope it wasn't the latter because the director of this will go on to direct Hong Kong Phooey. I'm not gonna watch it...but we don't need another bad cartoon adaptation stinking up the place.