L.I.E.S. The DC movie schedule revealed! at 8:25 AM

Hello, you Gullible Gents and Overly trusty Dames. It's been a while since I've told you  Leaked In Early Secrets.  The truth is, I've been away on a self imposed exhile. I don't want to go too much into it, but I'll just say sometimes you get challenged to a fight to the death and you do it, but death fights are no fun. People could die on those. In fact, usually when no one dies, things went wrong.

"Let no bad happen" indeed.

So you may have heard some dame say that she got the list of movies DC's planning on making for the next few years. If you believe DC's going to have 3 movies a year, then I'll show you a green dog or 2.

That's not the REAL DC schedule! Let Uncle Batzarro show you how it's done, baby.I snuck into Warner's board room, disguised as a maid.  They didn't know they don't have any retro style maids, so it was easy.

In there, I overheard their true plan, spoken with the kind of confidence that gave us Teen Titans, Greem Arrow in Superjail, Metal Men, Flash and Justice League Mortal as news to chew, rather than as movies to watch.


2015

Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice

I can't stop poking fun at this title.

(BAAt)man (They haven't written it or anything, but they thought that the idea of having a name that is also the logo, even if the name is screwed, was good enough to greenlight.)

Speedy (They actually mean Kid Flash/Impulse, but nobody corrected them that Speedy is Green Arrow's sidekick)

2016

The Wall ( They figured since Maleficent did mint at the box office, they'd get on that "gritty origin story about a woman" thing with Amanda Waller. In this version Amanda Waller begins as a member of a troubled teen help line called Anti-Suicide Squad, but then she somehow turns it into a paramilitary group)

Lobo (I've put this down at Lobo, but they kept refferung to him as "the guy with the claws" and asking if Hugh Jackman was available.)

"This guy. right?"

Justice League

2017

2Man 2Steel( Tyrese is in the shortlist to play Steel)

Not-Wonder Woman (I don;t know which Superheroine they meant, they kept saying "the other one" and "the really popular one" but every time someone said Wonder Woman they'd say no.)

"I'm pretty sure we've been selling clittoris necklaces on Hot Topic for awhile."

Blue Beetle/Red Tornado (They don't know if this is a good teamup, it was chosen with Dice and crayons.)

2018

Batman's Back (There's no story, just the idea to show Batman from behind in the posters)

Batman's Back in action

Captain Planet ("They've got Captain America, but Captain Planet will be huge overseas.")

Shazam v Sandman: The Revenge of Spider Jerusalem (  They envision it as a huge middle eastern adventure, which they assume would have to involve  Sandman and Spider Jerusalem by default. Spider Jerusalem in this is a huge spider.)

Batman v Santa Clause: Dawn of Jingles (For need of a holiday movie)

2019
Batman: Days of Future Bat (This one is a time traveling crossover betwen Burton Batman and Nolan Batman.)

Wonder Woman (After 2 hours they gave up on guessing who the other really popular heroine they own is.)

Justice League Mortal ("We have to reboot the Justice League franchise sometime, right?)

How you like me now, punks?

So there you go. The truth, only the truth and nothing but  L.I.E.S.! Batzarro: OUT! (Turns into a raven, flies away.

Did you wake up one day and wonder..? at 11:24 AM

"I'm not saying he's a greedy  asshole because he's Jewish, you guys. Duh! He's a greedy asshole who happens to be extemely Jewish! You racists!"

...If Foreskin man had a theme? Because the answer is aparently yes.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bww5S5e3D_4

And it's sung by none other than Vulva Girl.

Sometimes...I wish the weather would change just for me. But I have to recognize I am neither in control of the weather nor the only one who needs it. But hearing the ridiculous proto disco tunes of  this song, as the singstress declares the most serious issue of how circumscicion affecting her enjoyment of sex with a person for whom she will obviously have to wait for if he's getting  that done just now, that I realize sometimes it stop raining just for me.

Thank you , Lord.

Did you wake up one day and wonder..? at 11:24 AM

"I'm not saying he's a greedy  asshole because he's Jewish, you guys. Duh! He's a greedy asshole who happens to be extemely Jewish! You racists!"

...If Foreskin man had a theme? Because the answer is aparently yes.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bww5S5e3D_4

And it's sung by none other than Vulva Girl.

Sometimes...I wish the weather would change just for me. But I have to recognize I am neither in control of the weather nor the only one who needs it. But hearing the ridiculous proto disco tunes of  this song, as the singstress declares the most serious issue of how circumscicion affecting her enjoyment of sex with a person for whom she will obviously have to wait for if he's getting  that done just now, that I realize sometimes it stop raining just for me.

Thank you , Lord.

Dear Mr Forsekin Man maker... at 3:33 PM

This panel should totally lead to porn.

...I am disappoint. What happened to Foreskin Girl? What happened to US?

I mean, I am terrible at predicting, so it only follows I've been so accurate with what this comic will deliver next, that YOU are cribbing my ideas. Or that it's a predictable affair to guess where a comic against genital modification to a man who is slightly read. Whatever.

The point is: you guys failed to deliver on your end. So I'm afraid I won't talk about Foreskin Man #3. I won't talk about how it's slightly less racially worrying except too late, or how ludicrous it is loinclothed  Africans straight up kidnapped a boy from America JUST FOR THE CIRCUMCISION(score another one for me).  I definitively won't mention how hypocritical Foreskin Man is to rescue a kidnapped baby, when he's the franchises most successful kidnapper.

This "Vulva Girl" bullshit is bullshit. If you're gonna do what I'm saying, do it right. Let's try it:

Oh, I'm sure the next episode, a Legion of Doom style gathering will occur where all the villains will have a goal of delivering 200 foreskins to a demon, Bible style , and they will totally rip out Vulva girl's vulva.  However, she will also gain a pet: Vulvasaur.

Out of my head and stay out!

Dear Mr Forsekin Man maker... at 3:33 PM

This panel should totally lead to porn.

...I am disappoint. What happened to Foreskin Girl? What happened to US?

I mean, I am terrible at predicting, so it only follows I've been so accurate with what this comic will deliver next, that YOU are cribbing my ideas. Or that it's a predictable affair to guess where a comic against genital modification to a man who is slightly read. Whatever.

The point is: you guys failed to deliver on your end. So I'm afraid I won't talk about Foreskin Man #3. I won't talk about how it's slightly less racially worrying except too late, or how ludicrous it is loinclothed  Africans straight up kidnapped a boy from America JUST FOR THE CIRCUMCISION(score another one for me).  I definitively won't mention how hypocritical Foreskin Man is to rescue a kidnapped baby, when he's the franchises most successful kidnapper.

This "Vulva Girl" bullshit is bullshit. If you're gonna do what I'm saying, do it right. Let's try it:

Oh, I'm sure the next episode, a Legion of Doom style gathering will occur where all the villains will have a goal of delivering 200 foreskins to a demon, Bible style , and they will totally rip out Vulva girl's vulva.  However, she will also gain a pet: Vulvasaur.

Out of my head and stay out!

Follow up on Foreskin Man at 12:59 PM

Remember when I said Foreskin Man was gonna end up fighting Jews? Issue #2 Bitches!

Torah, Torah, Torah!

Now, I'm not accusing the makers of  Foreskin man of being racists. I'm just saying that making villains out of people who participate in culturally attached rituals is gonna really, really look racist, and it's gonna get called out as such. And I'm sure Foreskin Man will eventually fight vagina sewing practitioners in the Middle East and Body Piercer freaks in South Carolina and whatever it is they probably do in Africa. My point is if you're trying to be educational, you can't have the potential audience (that is to say, people who might be considering a circumcision.) become EVIL MONSTERS. That said, I read the whole thing and Cultural insensitivity is the least of it's worries.

Yesh! First a baby's foreskin and then...the World's Foreskin!

Tha major plot of the story revolves around a Bris(some kind of Jewish event thing, I guess?) being thrown for a baby, in which normally I guess they would snip at a babies dick-skin, but they won't because they babies mother says no. There is also a subplot where all the circumstraints(which I could not find in Wikipedia, but I'm guessing they're penis related) in town are stolen by a group known as the Intactivists.

PUNS!

So you know, the Bris, which our hero is attending, is interrupted by the only Jewish looking people in the whole comic, led by a man named Monster Mohel, who increasingly looks more like the 90s Mortal Kombat comics. Apparently, the father remained steadfast on that his son should be circumcised, and as such, incited armed Jewish priests to take the event by storm and perform the ritual. He confesses as much to his mother.

This is...illogical. I mean...Circumcision is not illegal, but I'm pretty sure if you organized armed anything to break into anything, you are going to jail. I'm also fairly certain, as the boy's father you could work something less legally wrong.

Someone's gonna sleep on the couch tonight!

However, the Genital Guardian himself shows up, and beats the hell out of Monster Mohel and his goons in some panels that are either totally unaware or comepletely  thought out for lols.

 

Fapp him in the face with your ball, Foreskin Man!

 But all is not well.  Defeated, the father and the Jew guys swear they will continue to try to cut this baby's foreskin undaunted, until they succeed. The Boy's mother was knocked out by one of the goons, so Foreskin Man did the only thing that makes sense. He took the boy away for the Intactivists to take care of.

That's right Nancy. Despite the mother being alive(and in need of medical attention) and despite the father and the other guys probably facing legal charges, and despite the boy having other family (that fucking appears on-panel) our hero decides the only solution is to give the boy away to a group of radicals who immediately take the baby to a bonfire of the circumstraints they stole.

Because Nina Loco here seems so trustworthy...

Now, this are Comic book Superheroes we're talking about. We should know they aren't exactly following legal procedure. But this is way beyond the scope of  what is necessary and  far beyond troubling. I mean, the comic's own philosophy is that babies are too young to make such a choice, and yet here is our hero, unilaterally going "fuck your Jew-ass Family! You're gonna live wherever I, a stranger that is unrelated to you say you will!"

I'm not a Jew. I don't care. Hell, I'm a a Christian and I wouldn't care if you where knocking that , either. However, if you're mission of AWARENESS, your comic should have a certain amount of tact regarding it's own issues. You're not trying to make Anti-circumcision fantasy, but if you are well, you're succeeding. Then again, maybe I expect too much from a comic called Foreskin Man.

I regretted it shortly after.

Still, now that you successfully wrestled the elephant in the room, how's it about that Foreskin Family?

Images from the comic used under Fair use law.If you want to see the comic, it's here. If you want to buy the comic, it's here, big spender.

Follow up on Foreskin Man at 12:59 PM

Remember when I said Foreskin Man was gonna end up fighting Jews? Issue #2 Bitches!

Torah, Torah, Torah!

Now, I'm not accusing the makers of  Foreskin man of being racists. I'm just saying that making villains out of people who participate in culturally attached rituals is gonna really, really look racist, and it's gonna get called out as such. And I'm sure Foreskin Man will eventually fight vagina sewing practitioners in the Middle East and Body Piercer freaks in South Carolina and whatever it is they probably do in Africa. My point is if you're trying to be educational, you can't have the potential audience (that is to say, people who might be considering a circumcision.) become EVIL MONSTERS. That said, I read the whole thing and Cultural insensitivity is the least of it's worries.

Yesh! First a baby's foreskin and then...the World's Foreskin!

What the hell are you guys searching for? at 8:42 AM

I have held a deep interest in finding out just what you guys google that you end up here.  Today, it's...

...baby Rhino Foreskins? Why would anyone want to search THAT? Are they believed to be magical?  Is it part of the poacher trade? Is there someone out there who wants to have sex with baby rhinos?

I'm sorry. I wanted to write about this dude who was a yellow suited Superman, but more of a dick.

The joke makes itself. Can't see why I didn't do it the first time.

I did not mean for my jokes to interfere with your dietary/religious/sexual concerns.  Carry on.

What the hell are you guys searching for? at 8:42 AM

I have held a deep interest in finding out just what you guys google that you end up here.  Today, it's...

...baby Rhino Foreskins? Why would anyone want to search THAT? Are they believed to be magical?  Is it part of the poacher trade? Is there someone out there who wants to have sex with baby rhinos?

I'm sorry. I wanted to write about this dude who was a yellow suited Superman, but more of a dick.

The joke makes itself. Can't see why I didn't do it the first time.

I did not mean for my jokes to interfere with your dietary/religious/sexual concerns.  Carry on.

Heroes without a cause(that ain't stupid) at 8:21 AM

Printing racist posters is Superman's was of helping during WWII.

The last couple of days before Comic Con, I came to realize that attempts to
cash in on the Superhero craze haven't just been done by the movie industry, but
by a more insidious force: Causes.

That's right: Causes. People have beliefs and ideals, and need to spread them,
so why not make a comic book Superhero about it. After all, Comics are what all
the cool hepcats are bodyraggin' about, right Daddy-oh?

This, sadly, is not as good an idea as you might be lead to believe by the
millions of examples of cause-based Superheroes you are about to post here.
Sometimes a cause is better served not by trying to be cool about it and being
upfront and candid. Or snarky and sarcastic, like Truth.com
Case in point is this 2 Superheroes having their debut I read about. There is
potential in there, but more limitation than anything.

The first superheroe is called Marijuana Man. 

A million High School Student's thoughts just entered print.

If your first guess is that the Marley familly would be somehow involved, you
would be correct. Ziggy Marley is spearheading this comic book about an alien
hero form a planet that desperately needs the titular plant, so they send
Marijuana man to earth to save the fields of green from an evil pharmaceutical
company out to destroy them and some junk.

Meanwhile, at the Hall of Doom...

The look so far is acceptably trippy. I guess this is going for some of the
broader strokes of the pro legalization movement. I'm against ,but hey, I ain't
into the stuff. There's a problem, though.

Marijuana Man is preaching to the choir. If you already like getting high, I'm
fairly sure you don't need Marijuana Man to give you reasons to want it to be
legal. Though I can't comment on specific details, I feel fairly confident in my
assesment that people who don't like Marijuana or wouldn't have it legalized
aren't prone to picking up publications with "Marijuana" on the title without
"Ban" being there too..

And further... what the hell is up with the synopsis? It's an alien planet that
can't grow one of earth's easier to grow plants, yet desperately need it? Why
not grow it on their own planet? What, does tokin' give them powers like the sun
gives Superman powers? Why would they make such a plot?

I

 
The next dubious idea dressed in Spandex is Foreskin Man. I joke you not.
Foreskin man is a superhero that defends all babies, well, mostly their
foreskins, from any villains who would try to separate that particular part of
their body.

For the Record, it's not the guy who looks like a penis monster.

Miles Hastwick works during the day at a museum for genital health. But when he
is warned of any villain...that plans to cut baby foreskins, he leaps into
action with his flight enabling boots.

No, It's not Marvel's newest attempt at edginess. See, somewhere in there there
is a little subtext about ciscumcision. I know, right?

The folks behind this comic got it into their head that, hey, kids like
Superman, but they might be lukewarm to the idea of babies having their
foreskins surgically removed. Why not use one to educate about the other?
But there might be some problems. See, circumcision is a pretty serious issue.
Like anything involving penises and religious beliefs, it's hard to pin it down
to "YEAH IT'S GREAT" or "BOO, FUCK IT" without stepping on some toes. But I'm
sure this comic will deal with this issues without resorting to childishness or
trying to make the opposing side look like heartless monsters.

 If any cards on the field are uncircumcized babies, you lose 20 life points.

Oh...Okay.
See, my main beef with Retractable Penis Cover man is that, well, they set him
out to be pretty limited. A limited Flying Brick power, limited
characterization, and a decidedly limited mission. Even Captain Planet had
different enviromental issue to preach on about, and ran out of stuff until he
had to touch about drugs and...Hitler.

 It's Hitler, guys. You didn't have to make his mustache goofy.

How many issues can you go on about circumcission being bad until you either
have to break into a sinagogue and start punching the shit out of Jews(which is,
I'm sure, the moment no one can defend this as not being antisemitic anymore),
or have to find some other thing (probably genital related) to deal with. But
then, he is still called Foreskin Man. He can't fight drugs or punch Hitler with
a dick pointed at his face in his own costume and go "FOR THE
FORESKINS!(punch)".

Themes are hard and so are names, but come on. Spider-Man isn't called "Remorse
Man" for a reason: Spider-Man does other things than have remorse. Further,
Foreskin Man doesn't even attempt to weave in the theme of foreskin into his
repertoire. Sure, that might be a little...icky. But played straight like in
here, it's boring and slightly unsettling, and, again, severely limiting.

This limitations extend to the villains as well. The first issue had what was
aparently a legitimate Doctor who can't see baby naked without becoming a
deformed monster that wants to chop of the excess skin on it's wang, whether the
mom likes it or not. This is...not the way circumcisions ussually work as far as
I know, but okay. What next? How many ways can 4SM stop a circumcission without
it being tied to normal people, doing an operation on a baby as their familly
intend?

Superdickery, without all the Malware

If  It where up to me, and I was working the story behind this comic, instead of
just random people who do it, and the Golden Glande has to stop them, I'd make
it that a secret evil group that wants to bring an evil demon to earth. Standard
stuff. But to open the portal, they need 200 baby Foreskins from select
individuals. This not only sets up for a multicomic arc and development of
characters but actually can give quite a few Foreskin related adventures to our
heroe. Also, needs a sidekick. I say we make it a girl and call her Foreskin Girl.
Is it stupid? Maybe. But not more than anything else here, really.

Heroes without a cause(that ain't stupid) at 8:21 AM

Printing racist posters is Superman's was of helping during WWII.

The last couple of days before Comic Con, I came to realize that attempts to
cash in on the Superhero craze haven't just been done by the movie industry, but
by a more insidious force: Causes.

That's right: Causes. People have beliefs and ideals, and need to spread them,
so why not make a comic book Superhero about it. After all, Comics are what all
the cool hepcats are bodyraggin' about, right Daddy-oh?

This, sadly, is not as good an idea as you might be lead to believe by the
millions of examples of cause-based Superheroes you are about to post here.
Sometimes a cause is better served not by trying to be cool about it and being
upfront and candid. Or snarky and sarcastic, like Truth.com
Case in point is this 2 Superheroes having their debut I read about. There is
potential in there, but more limitation than anything.

The first superheroe is called Marijuana Man. 

A million High School Student's thoughts just entered print.

If your first guess is that the Marley familly would be somehow involved, you
would be correct. Ziggy Marley is spearheading this comic book about an alien
hero form a planet that desperately needs the titular plant, so they send
Marijuana man to earth to save the fields of green from an evil pharmaceutical
company out to destroy them and some junk.

Meanwhile, at the Hall of Doom...