It's a whole new year, and with it, sure to come are a whole series of new films based on old shit. But what else are we going to do with all our loose
Colin Farrels? And so, I have decided to skip to the chase and call out the movies that will destroy our childhoods, as soon as they're being announced and
done and stuff. This are the movies I believe we'll be reading about this year. As such, it is necessary that we give each category of bad idea it's own
section. Here goes nothing.
Live Action-CG abomination based on cartoon.
After the perfectly putrid test footage for
Hong Kong Phooey, I realized something: studios just don't care for funny animal universes inhabited by humans.
Hong Kong Phooey HAS to be a toilet water drinking dog, as has to Underdog. What's my bet? I've two.
Pinky and the Brain
Pinky and the Brain is going to be announced this year. However, by the time it's on screens it'll be more about a guy that has to learn a lesson from these megalomaniac mice. WB did everything it could to bury the franchise forever, but perhaps it's time to drag the proverbial corpse out of it's proverbial grave and humiliate it some more. Taking the name and designs, yet utterly ignoring the show's original attitude and heart.
Also Secret Squirrel.
Secret Squirrel is one of those franchises that was never important enought to bring out but to the most all inclusive company wide events. Essentially
Inspector Gadget, but a squirrel and with a racially offensive sidekick, Secret squirrel is needed to come back by no one. So expect this one in 3D soon.
Perfectly fine stand alone film redone
Gritted up Children's story.
Well, we're all children on the inside? So gimme a story for kids, but make it really morbid for me and my graying beard.
The Christmas Toy
A fairly obscure movie that may or may not have inspired Toy story, the movie followed on the premise of sentient living toys with a catch: if humans saw them, they died. So obviously it was already gritty. That's why they'll remake it extra gritty, with the toys hatching a plan to blind all the humans in the house with a laser.
Old dormant franchise given a sequel
Sometimes a decade just doesn't feel like a decade. When a film franchise spends more than a decade out of theaters, the idea of directly continuing it is
almost always a bad one. But this is the year when they announce:
Lethal Weapon 5
Lethal Weapon both belongs to a genre that's not on vogue (buddy cop stories) and has a cast member who's not allowed into big movies anymore on account of being a terrible person. It's also on double digits since the last movie came out. This is the year when the sequel is announced. Or should I say prequel?
Lethal Weapon 0: The Early Years starring Donald Glover and Sam Witwer!
Readapted, this time less bad:
Yo, last time we tried to make a movie about this, it turns out we ruined everything. Let's only ruin most of it now.
Tomb Raider
While I think it's kind of cheating, since this is one of those thing's that gets mentioned every once in a while, this is the year when it goes somewhere.
And since Hunger Games "proved" that you can make a movie with a woman lead and it might sell(you know, if it doesn't suck and the marketing isn't bad and it's got a strong word of mouth for the source material. Like every other movie, stupid executives.) it's just as well that Tomb Raider might finally get out of Dev-Hell.
Wait, what the hell?
Ha! Your hubris will be your undoing! Just when you think I can't get any more dumb ideas, I'll announce:
Sailor Moon: The Movie
With maybe even an Asian or two in there! It IS a team, after all. And they'll need plenty of bad guys to fight.
The Arnold Schawrzennegger "dragging out an old man to pretend he's an action star again" award
I'm not too old for this kids! Watch me reactivate an old franchise and shame myself!
"Escape From" series.
Kurt Russel hasn't been seen in a while in anything big. So let's drag him, almost 30 years older than he was, put him in a tank top and an eye patch and a mullet, and pretend he doesn't start gasping for air if he talks too loud. See where it gets ya.
Announced, yet unlikely to exist:
Oh, this movies totally for sure gonna come out soon. I was just talking to Roberto Zemeckis's and he's totally letting me do it.
Justice League
:D :) {:]{3| {:[ {;C...
Just kidding(except for the emoticons)
E.T. 2
Spieldberg will finally be ready to free himself from 2 decade's worth of writers block and finally get on with that sequel to E.T. he's always wanted to do. The answers to your questions are CG, In 3D and May 15, 20NO.
What are your guesses? Let's come back her enext year and compare notes.
