Not Marvel Baby! 5 Marvel fighting games Capcom didn't work on at 2:30 PM

If you ask people their favorite fighting games, usually they'll name a Capcom one. They've owned the genre since 1991. They've made several series, but none more superheroey than The Marvel vs Capcom series. A 7 game spanning series (I'm being charitable letting Marvel vs Street fighter, but fuck UMVC3 being a whole entry.) IT is considered among the finest superhero fighting games, and overall king amongst brawlers.

Unsurprisingly, the Marvel License goes around, so others did tried their hand at making the residents of the house of ideas fight. Let's see the results.

Marvel Comic´s Avengers in Galactic Storm

 
 For a time, there, Data East, of Double Dragon fame, had the Marvel License. They where mostly smart and kept to their area of expertise by making Double Dragon knock offs.

But at some point they got it into themselves to make a 1 on 1 fighting game. And so they made Marvel Comic's Avengers in Galactic Storm, based on the current storyline at the time where the Avengers got into a fight with the Kree.

Now, I'm all about taking up obscure and unused characters in this type of situations, but this game's biggest mistake might have been it's cast. For kids weaned on a series that had Wolverine and Spider-Man, big cartoon stars at the time, Thor substitute Thunderstrike fighting Dr Minerva while Iron-Man occasionally did a drive by was not exactly setting the roof on fire.

Also, the graphics were...prerendered cg. All the bad of mid 90s 3d graphics, crammed into all the bad of mid 90s sprite work.

Marvel Nemesis

During the time between Marvel vs Capcom 2 and Marvel vs Capcom 3, EA got the license for a while. And they got an ambitious idea: to launch a new set of heroes on the back of a Marvel crossover, on a fully realized free movement Powerstone style fighting game.

But it's not how far your goals are, but how good you are at getting there. Sadly, EA failed at making the game fullfill the lofty promises of it's premise. Maybe it's because it's new characters where...not that great. Or maybe it was the gameplay, which failed to have that "Superbattle between heroes" feeling they where going for.

Whatever it was, EA just couldn't cut it.

Unnamed Marvel fighting game from EA.

 
 But why do we fall? So we can stagger for a bit and then fall again! EA tried again to raise a game from the bones of Marvel Nemesis, this time ditching it's original characters. Early footage looked pretty good, but the game got canned, so what are we gonna do.

On the games, the game was gonna correct the horrendous snobbing of Hulk in Marvel Nemesis.

Activision's Mutant Academy series

 
 Activision had the rights to X-Men in the late 90s. And having learned it's lesson from the Capcom games, it opened the doors to X-Men: Mutant Academy shortly after 2000's X-Men movie. It even had costumes from it!

Over time they released a sequel, a Game Boy Advance iteration, and a third game called X-Men: The Next Dimension. I've only played that last one, as a way to cure my X-Men Fever after X2. It...was not so great. It's got interesting ideas and characters, but they're done in such a halfhearted manner, that all the Playable-For-The-First-Time Lady Deathstrikes in the world couldn't save it.

There was also this.

And every possible assumption you could have about it is true.

                     The M.U.G.E.N. stuff

Over time, several fans with more sprite editing expertise than knowledge of copyright laws have edited existing characters into new-ish characters for the M.U.G.E.N. fighting engine. So one day the Heroes/Char Thieves at M.U.G.E.N. Eternity picked many of these efforts along with some work of their own and cobbled them together into a package they called Super Marvel vs Capcom: Eternity of Heroes.

It's probably at it's best if you're largely unaware of M.U.G.E.N. I've played it and I just can't look past the fact. When you've been in there, you can feel the sprites haunt you. You can totally look at Symbiote Onslaught and go "Fuck, that's just Onslaught with a little dressing. And look, that's the Silver Surfer some guy started but never finished"

And while it's nice that you can play as Arthur and Captain Mar-Vell simultaneusly against Balrog and Centaur Man, it always feels like this characters came from completely different games, in part because they totally did do that.

　

There's other Marvel M.U.G.E.N. projects bouncing around, including Scruffy Dragon's Decade + effort to make a Marvel vs DC game. That one I followed for a long time, with the hopes I'd be able to make a rocking Black Manta and Mary Marvel for it. He. Didn't quite pan out.

　

Overall, while there have been sincere efforts to bring Marvel to fighting games, overall Capcom is still the reigning champ. But that's not to say we can't take another stab at it. I heard the Unreal Engine is free, now. 

And Capcom, meanwhile, well...that's another story...

Johnny Fuckin' Test is fuckin' 10 years old. at 10:22 AM

Ten LESS years! Ten less years!

"Who's got a head of firey hair and a turbo charged backpack and has now lasted a decade?" Why, it's that shitty cartoon that lasted more than all the good cartoons, Johnny Test.

Now, there are shows out there that you could argue are bad and don't deserve to exist anymore. Many people think  for example, that The Simpsons ran it's course  back when Clinton was President, and everythign since then just hasn't been worth it.

This isn't that. This show has never, ever EVER been good enough to deserve even a second season. If it got cancelled right now NO ONE would demand for it to be brought back. We're not offended that it had a few good years and is now desperately trying to stretch those out. It's bad, and it always has been. It's been jumping sharks for longer that my nephew has been alive, and even he somehow got funnier after a couple of years.

Johnny Test is what it looks like when you get rewarded for putting the least amount of effort into something and then get rewarded with money.  Johnny Test is what happens when the strenght of men fails, and where power triumphs over love. Johnny Test is your enemy, and also the enemy of your enemy. Johnny Test is that kid from school who never cared about the work he put in, if he won the lottery. Johnny Test is so bad, I won't even give it the benefit of the doubt and watch it's newest episodes.  Johnny Test killed my baby! Johnny Test...was cancelled last year? Huh....

So, my working question for this post is: what's your favorite episode of Johnny Test, and what's your least favorite episode?

Scolding Review: A Goat's Story at 3:47 PM

WHAT LEGENDS! WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?

Sometimes it's hard to know if a foreign film is awful. Sure, awful is relative, but that's exactly the problem. How do you know if something is kinda great in it's home country that, outside of it is just kind of retarded, meanspirited, and vomitous?


For example, here's a Czech movie about a spurned goat who longs only to be loved like a woman by her owner. Maybe that kind of narrative is acceptable over there. Maybe it's a dark comedy. Or maybe it's just a fuck awful CG crapfest made by some goatfuckers. YOU be the judge.

The film starts with an exaltation of the Clocktower of Prague, and then goes to show you how it all started. With images like this.

It's not. But it COULD  be.

NOT HUMAN!

You know, I ain't no expert in worldwide landmarks, but obviously I take it these distorted monsterbeasts built this Cathedral as beautiful as possible to have something nice to look at and forget the fact they look like a literal poor man's Toy Story.

Our lead is this guy LEAD, who just arrived in Prague to  find a job with his goat Goat. Prague is super awful and it and everyone in it sucks, and they're all trying to poach each other or ruin each other or milk each other. That's not my opinion as an Internet blogger, that's kind of what the movie's trying to go for. It seems to be attempting to do some kind of commentary,  you know, with the Church guy say gluttony is bad, while actually being a glutton, and so and so.

The least bland he ever is.

So we've also got this guys who are actually trying to get the cathedral built, including Merlin, and his assistant.

Or maybe he's a hobo. I watched this damn thing in Spanish and I STILL had not idea wft was going on.

At first, Things aren't going so hot for LEAD, until he meets a beautiful...

OH NO

...He meets a pretty...

YOU CAN'T

...He meets a Nintendo 64 tech demo for jiggle physics. Holy christ!

Ok, let's talk about giant breasts. We all love breasts*. And we like those breasts being gigantic. Yes we do. The bigger the better...is what we think until we see things like this.

Now, you may think, "But what about the giant breasts in such classics as Jessica Rabbit, Powergirl, and the Dead or Alive  series? Well, it's not just size, it's presentation. Here's a chart explaining it.

With that out of the way, now we enter the core of our plot: Goat is in love with Lead. She wants him, sexually. if you think I'm just exaggerating for comedic effects, here's them sleeping together.

Here they are, sleeping together.

Add caption

Here's when the goat tried to dress up as a woman to impress Lead.

Played for serious, guys. Not even kidding on that one.

Here's when the Goat catches Lead and the Girl sleeping together.

Oh, yeah, if you thought that there wasn't gonna be a  sex scene in this movie just because the cover makes it look like they put horns on Shrek's Donkey, you where wrong, wrong, wrong.


So Merlin's apprentice makes a deal with Satan after  being put in the gallows, and Merlin hires Lead to replace him as statue maker. He does very well with this. Meanwhile, the Goat gets drunk in the bar and sees Satan.

I assume everyone making this movie can relate to Satan being an ever present tangible fact of life.

But then the corrupt authorities start showing off, and some Chinamen** show up to ask Merlin to build THEM a clocktower. The authorities won't be having none of that, and  blind, torture, and fatally wound Merlin. The Pretty girl takes him to "see" the tower from the inside before he finally dies, which is just enough for her to look like she did the deed.

So now our lead is forced to finish the clocktower, lest our buxom girl gets killed. For extra good taste, there's a scene  where she's visited by the executioner, and covers her breasts, implying some rape.

Well, "covers" and "Breasts"

But not, she's just gonna get her neck measured. Haha! Good one, Goat's Story.

Eventually, Goat sees how the love of Lead's life is going to be murdered soon, and sees it as a chance to  finally make her move on Lead by dressing as a woman, with hay for a hair and melons for breasts, and  just ashamedly goes to Lead. And they hug and stuff. It's super dramatic, and what the fuck!

As they're leading  the girl to have her neck altered, the apprentice who  made his deal with Satan, and some kids, all crash into the cart, which rolls downhill.

Goat, then makes the hard choice. At the height of the deadline for the hanging of Pretty Girl, she trades places with the bag over-headed girl, and is hanged. Our Lead finishes the clocktower, but far too late.

Wow. I would say this is strong imagery for a children's cartoon about a funny goat, but with the drinking, sex, political, and deals with Satan and social satire, it's clear this movie is not for children and would not betray it's idea that, at the end, the goat that just wanted to be loved gave it all for.

Seriously, don't show this to kids. Or adults. Or...goats.

Who am I kidding? The goat lives. Innexplicably. I mean, I've never hung a goat. Maybe they're immune to that?

So that's the story about the world famous Prague clockwork. It was engineered by idiots, goatfuckers, corrupt overzelous authorities and overblown sexdolls. Way to export your history, Czech republic!

So what is there to say about this movie. Well, it seems to be going for social satire, but it's handled with all the care of a goat in a china shop. The main plot  of the Goat that wants to fuck a man is seemingly an excuse to draw you into the awful, awful world this movie's built which is always morally ugly, and never esthetically beautiful. "Come for the dramatic bestialism, stay for the visuals of a terrible, caca caked world.¨

Or maybe this only makes sense in Czech republic, I don't know.


* "But I don't love breasts!" Good for you. What do you want, recognition in my sentences? Get out. GET OUT!

** No. Not Chinese people. THIS is Chinese people. If THIS isn't a chinaman, what the fuck do I call it?

Trigger Warning: There is a new Strip Fighter game out at 6:35 PM

Ok, now you´re just fuckin´with me.

It was a few years ago, that I decided to create a month solely dedicated to the women that make our fighting games great. While the celebrations have not been as expansive as I'd hope, they HAD yielded some interesting results. 

For example, my write up on Super Strip Fighter IV is one of my most succesful posts, and I can't really figure out why. I mean, I guess nobody else ever went in-depth with  the game and maybe that's the reason? I know I reviewed it in part because of that. If I'd ran into at least 10 people who had written about the game, about the mechanics of it and such, it'd have been one thing. But I couldn't even get a move list, and it was already years old by that point.

And now, a few months ago, a new version of the game saw release. Ultra Strip Fighter IV Omeco Edition is a game that exists.

Boasting an expanded cast that includes cameos from other  StudioS(STILL UNGOOGLABLE, DUDES!) products, and expanded upon bad touch options, this might just be the best Strip Fighter game yet. Or uh...the worst, if you take fictional rape really seriously. I don't know. I'm not telling you what to like.

Or it might suck. The fact is, I'm not using MY computer nowadays, and the person who does own it may not be cool to run into a game with THIS kind of bullshit in it. I'll let it to your imagination whether such a person is a hot girlfriend, or my grammy.

Point is, I'm not making any promises, but if things pick up, or if I dare try, come next July we'll see if all our Yuki Ice Dick  dreams are about to come true. I will also try to give you a review of the OVA for Variable Geo, the cutey pattootie fighting game that ocassionally  also ends  with rape.

Sigh. The things I do for love.

Frequently Stupid Question: Why must my comment be moderated? at 5:02 PM

Yes, good question. I, personally, am not afraid of people straight up challenging my authority or expertise on any number of subjects. Shit, if you wanted to say I'm being a poopiehead jerk, then I'd let you write that.  Shit one time, these guys really wanted their picture of  a (redacted) doing (redacted) taken down. I don't care. If I'm wrong, I'm wrong.

But those weren't the comments I was getting. I was getting comments like this.

I want your comments. Your REAL comments. Not some fucking plugs to virus sites.



Oh. OK.

Equipo Drawnder wants YOU (to join him in PRGamejam) at 11:18 AM

El Sabor de una nueva generacion!

Now, I've peripherally, telescopically participated in a handful of  Gamejams already.  I'm no stranger to danger. But on September 10, on my own island, ON MY OWN HOMETOWN, there's a Gamejam. And I already signed in, because I know that feeling of kicking yourself for not participating on an event clearly built for you.

The PR Gamejam  takes place in Bayamon Puerto Rico, and I already got MY ticket, my Yoyo Gamemaker "Demo" and some backup ideas. Now all I need is you.  You don't HAVE to know code or anything. If you're a creative person who thinks they can come up with something, I want you on my team. If you can somehow produce music, maybe in FL Studio, I want you on my team. If you can create art and animation, I want you on my team. And fuck it, if you can do code or use Yoyo Game Maker, I want you on the team. Why wouldn't I want you on the team?

So if you're in Puerto Rico(or are some kind of Gamejam game chaser who would travel to an island currently facing a drought just to show us up at videogames) I want you on Team Drawnder.

Equipo Drawnder te busca a TI (Para unirsele en el PRGamejam) at 10:53 AM

 

Mira, yo he participado en Gamejams a veces, de lejitos.  A mi no me importa, yo soy loco. Pero en Septiembre 10, en mi isla, en mi mismo pueblo de Bayamon, hay un Gamejam. Y ya yo me inscribi, porque no me gusta lamentarme de dejar ir las oportunidades.

Asi que ya tengo mi boleto, mi copia de Yoyo Gamemaker y algunas ideas. Lo que falta eres tu.  No tienes que saber programar ni nada. Si es una persona creativa, lo quiero en mi equipo. Si puede producir musica, sobre todo en FL studio, lo quiero en mi equipo. Si puede crear arte o animacion, te quiero en mi equipo. Y a la porra, si ud puede trabajar codigo y eso, sobre todo en Game Maker, lo quiero en mi equipo. Claro que si.

Asi que si estas en Puerto Rico, o es un creativo errante, viajando por el mundo, participando en Gamejams, lo quiero en Equipo Drawnder.