Showing posts with label franchise. Show all posts
Showing posts with label franchise. Show all posts

The 7 games in the Street Fighter series Capcom wants you to forget




Street. Fighter. 5. For a few years there, it felt like the series was never going to move beyond 2, but boy oh boy, has time flown while kicking and spinning in place.

It's kind of amazing that the granddaddy of modern fighters is only five games old. After all, later serieses like Mortal Kombat, Tekken and Soul Calibur are looking at 10, 7 and 6 entries.

I guess you could say Capcom prefers quality over quantity. But it'd be more accurate to say it's easier to make a bunch of bad games, then produce some new shotos and everyone will forget. Here's the five games you can fondly look back on and say "yep, them sure was bad times."

Street Fighter

Dropping the Mike.


It's kind of hard to fault the original SF for being a shitty fighting game, because a lot of what made fighting games non shitty did not yet exist or was very hard to do. In fact, the game was originally controlled by punching it, which means it actively counted on your hate.

But it's on this list, because in it's anniversary, Capcom released a big box of filled with pretty much every game, anime and movie based on Street Fighter BUT Street Fighter. That's a sad way to spend a birthday.

 

 

 

Street Fighter Movie

THE ONLY FIGHT IN THE GAME.

No, not Street Fighter THE movie( The Game...see below). Street Fighter Movie is an FMV game with some fighting game frosting, based on The Anime of Street Fighter 2. You play the role of a robot quietly stalking fighters and learning their moves, and near the end you can have a fight with Ryu.

So, you know, the next time they give Chun Li her own movie, remember that they gave a generic robot from the anime a game all to himself, and that's more solo game that they ever gave Ryu or Guile.

Street Fighter Mouse Generation

Why, yes, that IS Barrack Obama. It was...it was a weird time. Liking an American President hadn't been easy in 8 years and...

Sometimes I play fighting games on a keyboard, okay? Sometimes you can't wait of your arcade sticks arrive to take your MUGEN for a spin.

But a few years ago, Capcom tried for something even less good, with Mouse Generation. The game, playable online, had you do motions with the mouse.

It also had a feature to swap the parts of the characters, so you could put Chun Li's legs to Bison's torso, creating presumably a self hating abomination.

You could also swap body parts with characters from anime like Cyborg 009 and fish and shit. And now you can't, because it's offline.

 

Street Fighter Ex

I...mean to high five you ! It's not my fault my hands are blocky Hulk gloves!

 

 Street Fighter 4 is considered the serie's entry point into the 3rd dimension. After all, we all remember Street Fighter 3's beautiful 2d sprites.

However that's because most fans tend to outright ignore Ex, a fighting game that awkwardly bumbled the series into the poligonal world of the Playstations 1 and 2.

For 2 games(or 3? Is Ex + Alpha it's own game?), the series had the classic fighters in a morose, endingless, floaty mess of a game. In the end Arika, who developed the game for Capcom, went it's way and took every character they made for it.

Street Fighter the Movie

No.

When you do a big movie you do a tie in game. But what if the source material IS a game? Then you leave it alone.

Hell naw! You make a game of the movie anyway! And so, since Street Fighter the movie was based on a precise fighting game, the one that set the bar, naturally they got the developers of unplayable mess Time Killers to handle the game. That's like getting M Knigt Shyamalan to direct Star Wars. The fact he's directed stuff before is evidence only to him being wrong for it.

The gameplay is the worst of any Street Fighter until you can prove you played Mouse Generation. An infinite can be a simple as "hurricane kick then dragon punch."

 

Streef Fighter The Movie also takes a cue from Mortal Kombat, with digitized sprites (that's fancy talk for "photographed images")of the cast that was willing/alive. It doesn't feel like playing the movie, though. It feels like somebody vomited Mortal Kombat all over my Street fighter.

Street Fighter 2 Tiger Handheld

WHERE'S SAGAT? HE'D LOVE THIS!
Swift strategy, multiple characters, excellent music...this and many more elements that made Street Fighter 2 a success where completely absent from the Tiger handheld .

For those who were born after the towers fell, Tiger handheld machine were basically as powerful as calculators, and their games just as fun. For around 20 dollars, you could get this individual games, and while there were many original games, many were licensed franchises.

So obviously, you slap a Street Fighter sticker in a that sucker and you cash in. For those who didn't buy a console, didn't ever see the inside of an arcade, and whose parents couldn't tell the difference between Mortal Kombat and Myst, this might have been their first "taste" of Street Fighter.

Marvel Super Heroes vs Street Fighter

 
Cylsim forever! <3 br="">
 Okay, hear me out. I'm not saying this game is BAAAAD bad. Just...

You know, X-Men vs Street Fighter was a pretty cool game. It was Street Fighter's first real crossover game, and kicked off the Vs series, of which Tatsunoko, Tekken, and Snk saw entries.

And most importantly, each game in the vs Marvel series had new characters that hadn't been Sprites for other games. Obviously XvSF had Rogue and Sabertooth and Cammy and Guile, Marvel vs Capcom had Venom and Captain Commando, Mvc 2 had The Cactus Guy and Cable.

But MvsSF suffered from a bad case of not giving a fuck, so it had none inherently new characters, unless you think putting a coat of dark on Sakura makes her a "new" character. In fact, it has the same final boss, with a somehow robotier Akuma as dressing.

 

So while I'm sure it's a perfectly playable entry into the versus series, in a RELATIVE way, compared to other games in the series, it FUCKIN SUCKS!

You may have noticed 7 is larger than 5, which may indicate Street Fighter has more misses than hits. So I want to be fair : there's been a fair amount of non-numbered entries that have been fairly good, such as the Alpha series. And most of these games are better than, say, getting punched in the asshole(Not YOU, Sf1 and SF The Movie! Sit down.). In the end, we love Street Fighter, even if one fourth of the cast is Ryu with a different head and the vanilla versions become outdated in 6 months. Even if our favorite characters, haven't been seen in close to two decades. We wouldn't care if Sf made a bad game only if we did care about SF at all.

 

 

6 ways in which I would ruin your favorite franchises






 
Planet Zeist! Show em how it's done!
Believe me, I don’t yearn for the ruination of  pop culture icons. They definitively give me something to write about every once or twice, but in general, I’m not a fan of pissing off fandom. However, in these days the art of ruinage is a lost art.

Back in the late XX Century, It took a lot to really poison the well. Yes, I’m claiming ruining stuff was better in my day. Get the hell off of my lawn, you're not doing it right! We didn’t bat an eyelash when Batman went around killing people like we do now when Superman kills a very bad guy, no sir. We were too busy worrying about how Superman was having original enemies invented to him because God help us if they look at a comic.  Having been inspired by classics like Lost in Space and Inspector Gadget, here’s my, probably unrealized forever, plans to ruin your childhood forever.

Dr Doom is Anonymous
I don’t think the upcoming Fantastic 4 Reboot could really do Doom much worse than the last one, what with Doom having the lamest parts of other Supervillains under a Dr Doom shell.

Hell, Corman's was better. And they payed for the movie to not exist!


 Or at least I didn’t think so until they announced that they hadn’t exactly locked the main villain’s actual gender.
Now, I don’t think  A female Victor(ia?) Von Doom would be all that ruinous. Hell, Eva Green is my Femdoom of choice. But I was just thinking, why wouldn’t they have settled on something already? 

Then it hit me like a Vibranium ladle: maybe Dr Doom isn’t any one person.
In an attempt to be all relevant and what not, my Doom would be an obvious ripoff of Anonymous. 
Doom’s mask? Obvious analogue to those V for Vendetta masks. Doombots? That’s what the members of Anon-doom call themselves. Latveria? It’s about as real as Philosoraptor! 
Doom is not impressed by your DRM practices, Ubisoft...

Oh, I can hear the gnawing of teeth and the wailing! I can taste the nerd tears! YOU GUYS ARE LUCK I DON’T WORK AT FOX!

Sonic Adventure 3 starring EVERYONE YOU DON’T LIKE!
 
Oh, you didn't think I remember?
There hasn’t been an universally agreed upon Sonic game since Sonic CD, if only because we all agreed not to stick consoles on top of other consoles anymore.  The children who should be it’s target audience and the manchildren who grew up with it may never really agree on it enough, whether it’s a complete return to the old days, or a sudden turn into unexpected designs.

One thing we can all agree on, though is that who the hell is Mighty the Armadillo.  That’s why I’d cover all the angles by making a sequel to Sonic Adventure and fill up the cast with character’s so divisive and obscure that they’ll beg for Big the Cat AND Princess Ellie to come back before long. I’m talking Bunnie Rabbot and Princess Sally(THE LEGAL HURDLES ARE NO MATTER TO ONE SUCH AS I), Ray the Squirrel, that polar Bear from Sonic the fighters…you can’t think it, I can put it there.

WHY IS A DUCK CALLED BEAN!

Naturally, they’d all have different gameplay types. In fact, only Sonic’s would involve running really fast around loops at all! Nyahahahahahahaha!

X-Men: Prof. Xavier is a Jerk
There exist 0 images of an angry Hellen Page.

Proffesor Xavier has always been an old, crazy asshole.  Thishas been documented. But I feel Patrick Stewart and James McCavoy haven’t fully tapped into the jerk-well. His key offenses so far have been being a bad flirt(which, having mind control powers, is...kind of noble of him, actually), failing to divulge his full knowledge of Wolverine’s past, perhaps to keep him “in the team” and mentally suppressing Jean’s superpowers. But I think we all mentally suppressed X3, amirite?

But what if he were even more of a jerk? What if he psionically attacked Magneto with Holocaust memories? What if he pretended to die, and was hiding in the basement all along? What if he wiped Batman’s memory of when they gave Dr Light mental retardation after he raped Sue Dibny?

Come on! THIS GUY? Really, Marvel?


And more importantly, when he does these things, he should not show regret but smug, smug satisfaction.

The Matrix is actually magic
I know about the suckage!

Earlier this week I was going to write my revamped sequel/prequel yearly predictions, and thought that this was the year The Matrix was coming back, when out of the blue Latino_Review shows up with some heresay. Ha. You don’t have to believe me, that’s the kicker: If I had only written it down as considered. Alas, Blue Swan kept me busy.
But basically with the Matrix, the problem is the story is done as done gets.  The hero dies, the war is over, messiah triumphs over death,  and everything is hunky dory. Everything, that is, except for a few questions. How come Neo could control things outside the program? Is the “real world” also a computer program? If so, is basically  everything achieved in this movies a waste of time?

Like all good questions, the answer is that a wizard did it. Imagine Neo waking up to a kindly bearded old man. He questions why he is alive, after so obviously having been dead.  Why he now has eyes again. The kindly wizard puts his hands on Keanu’s shoulder.

“All in due time, Neo…son of Merlin…”
 
Woa.

Yes, as it turns out, in the burned out husk that's left of earth there exists magic, which is also the source of The Matrix illusory powers? No more philosophizing about the nature of reality, no suh. Just find the magic Matrix Sword, Neo!


Alien: Bring on the Giga-Aliens!
The Alien franchise has transitioned from tension filled horror to action franchise to whatever the devil Prometheus is in 5 short films. It’s time we ramped it up…to the extreme!
New Aliens are invading earth, but this aren’t your father’s endoparasitic nightmare horrors, oh no! These are massive, T Rex sized aliens, basically grabbing ships form the sky and eating them. Enter Ricall, the daughter of Call(Winona Ryder) and Ripley the Clone(Sigourney Weaver), played by Michelle Rodriguez. Fuck you for questioning how an Xenomorph Human hybrid lady and a Gynoid can have babies. They cloned  Ripley out of molen lead and the clone came up half alien. I’m surprised she can’t  shoot molten lead, too. Fuck a logic Alien Franchise. 
 
This guy was pretty funny, though.

So basically Ricall  decides to rid the earth of these Aliens once and for all, so she arms up and starts blasting all the Giant Aliens, until  it is revealed Lance Henrikksen’s character of Bishop is reincarnated into the King of the Xenomorphs, and so must Ricall fly to planet Aliens and kick some ass!  Get me Michael Bay on the phone!
Star Wars finally comes home.
I’m sure we’ll be discussing the choices made in the new Star Wars OMNIOLOGY (It’s a movie each year, ya guys. It won’t end until Disney owns all the money.) for years. All I can say is I’d be glad they stop fleecing the past.  The future is filled with possibilities.
 
But I will eat all my headwear if at least some of it isn't damn stupid.
If you really want to wreck Star Wars at this point, now that the Force is Germs and Darth Vader became Darth Vader because he was a whiny jerk that really liked a girl, andbuilt C3P0, what’s left. Well, the world. Imagine, three movies (not counting spinoffs. Nobody care about no Bobba Fett movie!) of adventures, the heroes arrive at a peace of sorts. One of them, whichever is the Han Solo, continues to explore the universe with his wifey. He finds a planet, but not like the others we’ve seen. No Womp Rats here, only regular rats.  She says the planet is uncharted, and he says he’ll get to name it. He bends down and picks up a fistful of dirt.

We’ll call it…Earth….

WHATCHUSAYWHATCHUSAYWHATCHUSAYWHA! (Guitar riff) WAAAAAAKEEE UUUUUUUUUP! WAAAAKEEEEE UUUUUUUUP!

6 ways in which I would ruin your favorite franchises






 
Planet Zeist! Show em how it's done!
Believe me, I don’t yearn for the ruination of  pop culture icons. They definitively give me something to write about every once or twice, but in general, I’m not a fan of pissing off fandom. However, in these days the art of ruinage is a lost art.

Back in the late XX Century, It took a lot to really poison the well. Yes, I’m claiming ruining stuff was better in my day. Get the hell off of my lawn, you're not doing it right! We didn’t bat an eyelash when Batman went around killing people like we do now when Superman kills a very bad guy, no sir. We were too busy worrying about how Superman was having original enemies invented to him because God help us if they look at a comic.  Having been inspired by classics like Lost in Space and Inspector Gadget, here’s my, probably unrealized forever, plans to ruin your childhood forever.

Dr Doom is Anonymous
I don’t think the upcoming Fantastic 4 Reboot could really do Doom much worse than the last one, what with Doom having the lamest parts of other Supervillains under a Dr Doom shell.

Hell, Corman's was better. And they payed for the movie to not exist!


 Or at least I didn’t think so until they announced that they hadn’t exactly locked the main villain’s actual gender.
Now, I don’t think  A female Victor(ia?) Von Doom would be all that ruinous. Hell, Eva Green is my Femdoom of choice. But I was just thinking, why wouldn’t they have settled on something already? 

Then it hit me like a Vibranium ladle: maybe Dr Doom isn’t any one person.
In an attempt to be all relevant and what not, my Doom would be an obvious ripoff of Anonymous. 
Doom’s mask? Obvious analogue to those V for Vendetta masks. Doombots? That’s what the members of Anon-doom call themselves. Latveria? It’s about as real as Philosoraptor! 
Doom is not impressed by your DRM practices, Ubisoft...

Oh, I can hear the gnawing of teeth and the wailing! I can taste the nerd tears! YOU GUYS ARE LUCK I DON’T WORK AT FOX!

Sonic Adventure 3 starring EVERYONE YOU DON’T LIKE!
 
Oh, you didn't think I remember?
There hasn’t been an universally agreed upon Sonic game since Sonic CD, if only because we all agreed not to stick consoles on top of other consoles anymore.  The children who should be it’s target audience and the manchildren who grew up with it may never really agree on it enough, whether it’s a complete return to the old days, or a sudden turn into unexpected designs.

One thing we can all agree on, though is that who the hell is Mighty the Armadillo.  That’s why I’d cover all the angles by making a sequel to Sonic Adventure and fill up the cast with character’s so divisive and obscure that they’ll beg for Big the Cat AND Princess Ellie to come back before long. I’m talking Bunnie Rabbot and Princess Sally(THE LEGAL HURDLES ARE NO MATTER TO ONE SUCH AS I), Ray the Squirrel, that polar Bear from Sonic the fighters…you can’t think it, I can put it there.

WHY IS A DUCK CALLED BEAN!

Naturally, they’d all have different gameplay types. In fact, only Sonic’s would involve running really fast around loops at all! Nyahahahahahahaha!

X-Men: Prof. Xavier is a Jerk
There exist 0 images of an angry Hellen Page.

Proffesor Xavier has always been an old, crazy asshole.  Thishas been documented. But I feel Patrick Stewart and James McCavoy haven’t fully tapped into the jerk-well. His key offenses so far have been being a bad flirt(which, having mind control powers, is...kind of noble of him, actually), failing to divulge his full knowledge of Wolverine’s past, perhaps to keep him “in the team” and mentally suppressing Jean’s superpowers. But I think we all mentally suppressed X3, amirite?

But what if he were even more of a jerk? What if he psionically attacked Magneto with Holocaust memories? What if he pretended to die, and was hiding in the basement all along? What if he wiped Batman’s memory of when they gave Dr Light mental retardation after he raped Sue Dibny?

Come on! THIS GUY? Really, Marvel?


And more importantly, when he does these things, he should not show regret but smug, smug satisfaction.

The Matrix is actually magic
I know about the suckage!

Earlier this week I was going to write my revamped sequel/prequel yearly predictions, and thought that this was the year The Matrix was coming back, when out of the blue Latino_Review shows up with some heresay. Ha. You don’t have to believe me, that’s the kicker: If I had only written it down as considered. Alas, Blue Swan kept me busy.
But basically with the Matrix, the problem is the story is done as done gets.  The hero dies, the war is over, messiah triumphs over death,  and everything is hunky dory. Everything, that is, except for a few questions. How come Neo could control things outside the program? Is the “real world” also a computer program? If so, is basically  everything achieved in this movies a waste of time?

Like all good questions, the answer is that a wizard did it. Imagine Neo waking up to a kindly bearded old man. He questions why he is alive, after so obviously having been dead.  Why he now has eyes again. The kindly wizard puts his hands on Keanu’s shoulder.

“All in due time, Neo…son of Merlin…”
 
Woa.

Yes, as it turns out, in the burned out husk that's left of earth there exists magic, which is also the source of The Matrix illusory powers? No more philosophizing about the nature of reality, no suh. Just find the magic Matrix Sword, Neo!


Alien: Bring on the Giga-Aliens!
The Alien franchise has transitioned from tension filled horror to action franchise to whatever the devil Prometheus is in 5 short films. It’s time we ramped it up…to the extreme!
New Aliens are invading earth, but this aren’t your father’s endoparasitic nightmare horrors, oh no! These are massive, T Rex sized aliens, basically grabbing ships form the sky and eating them. Enter Ricall, the daughter of Call(Winona Ryder) and Ripley the Clone(Sigourney Weaver), played by Michelle Rodriguez. Fuck you for questioning how an Xenomorph Human hybrid lady and a Gynoid can have babies. They cloned  Ripley out of molen lead and the clone came up half alien. I’m surprised she can’t  shoot molten lead, too. Fuck a logic Alien Franchise. 
 
This guy was pretty funny, though.

So basically Ricall  decides to rid the earth of these Aliens once and for all, so she arms up and starts blasting all the Giant Aliens, until  it is revealed Lance Henrikksen’s character of Bishop is reincarnated into the King of the Xenomorphs, and so must Ricall fly to planet Aliens and kick some ass!  Get me Michael Bay on the phone!
Star Wars finally comes home.
I’m sure we’ll be discussing the choices made in the new Star Wars OMNIOLOGY (It’s a movie each year, ya guys. It won’t end until Disney owns all the money.) for years. All I can say is I’d be glad they stop fleecing the past.  The future is filled with possibilities.
 
But I will eat all my headwear if at least some of it isn't damn stupid.
If you really want to wreck Star Wars at this point, now that the Force is Germs and Darth Vader became Darth Vader because he was a whiny jerk that really liked a girl, andbuilt C3P0, what’s left. Well, the world. Imagine, three movies (not counting spinoffs. Nobody care about no Bobba Fett movie!) of adventures, the heroes arrive at a peace of sorts. One of them, whichever is the Han Solo, continues to explore the universe with his wifey. He finds a planet, but not like the others we’ve seen. No Womp Rats here, only regular rats.  She says the planet is uncharted, and he says he’ll get to name it. He bends down and picks up a fistful of dirt.

We’ll call it…Earth….

WHATCHUSAYWHATCHUSAYWHATCHUSAYWHA! (Guitar riff) WAAAAAAKEEE UUUUUUUUUP! WAAAAKEEEEE UUUUUUUUP!

What are you guys watching?