Topless Robot contest results at 8:37 AM

Topless Robot contest results at 8:37 AM

Hardcore Princess revealed! at 8:57 AM

Is there a more momentuous occasion to announce big news than the 100th Post? Maybe, but now feels just right.

I want to announce a new game project I've been working on. It's a platformer called Hardcore Princess. It stars Princess Kickberly  the Defenestrator,  ruler of a land called Hardcore Kingdom. She is on a quest to recover a magical artifact, before the nefarious and mopey Count Zimo uses it to rule the world.

But you'd be forgiven to believe nothing will come of this. I've announced several other games that never came to be. What's the difference between this and all those others(plus shame on you for forgetting Smallville)?  That right now I have  a demo to show for it! Go here, test it!

Yes, the current graphics are mostly placeholders

Right now it's pretty bare of graphics and other trappings, and it's pretty glitchy but this is just the start of things.  For now,run, jump(X key), shoot arrows(Z key) avoid overly deadly enemies and bounce of arrows. Mostly enjoy. Here's to 100 more!

Hardcore Princess revealed! at 8:57 AM

Is there a more momentuous occasion to announce big news than the 100th Post? Maybe, but now feels just right.

I want to announce a new game project I've been working on. It's a platformer called Hardcore Princess. It stars Princess Kickberly  the Defenestrator,  ruler of a land called Hardcore Kingdom. She is on a quest to recover a magical artifact, before the nefarious and mopey Count Zimo uses it to rule the world.

But you'd be forgiven to believe nothing will come of this. I've announced several other games that never came to be. What's the difference between this and all those others(plus shame on you for forgetting Smallville)?  That right now I have  a demo to show for it! Go here, test it!

Yes, the current graphics are mostly placeholders

Right now it's pretty bare of graphics and other trappings, and it's pretty glitchy but this is just the start of things.  For now,run, jump(X key), shoot arrows(Z key) avoid overly deadly enemies and bounce of arrows. Mostly enjoy. Here's to 100 more!

Scolding Reviews: Blood The Last Vampire at 12:46 PM

"There's a city behind this drywall! Look!"

My relationship with Anime has always been a bit...distant. I mean, I've liked it ever since I learned you can show boobs on it, but honestly, I've never followed any series with any excitement. Well, there was one but that's another thing.

So coming in to Blood: The last Vampire, all my knowledge came from the TV series Blood +. It was a nice distraction while I waited for the boobs to show up, but I  wasn;t exactly a savant on that.

This movie, though, it is not as turgid and sad and mopey as the anime. However, it also doesn't have a guy whose main weapon is a Cello case. Also, I don't remember the Anime being batshit insane.

He's got a piece! Watchout!

What it does have, is the kind of fun you and your friends could make if you recieved a million dollars to make an adaptation, but only had 2 months to make it, from script to post:

I guess what I'm saying is this film is so bad, it's hilarious.



The film starts with subtitles narrating the a story about  a brave Samurai, the Demon's he cut down, when the baddest Demon cut him down. It doesn't figure a lot into what I could understand of the plot.

Then we meet Saya, an introverted young Woman in 1960s Japan who also kills bloodsuckers. Yes the demon-vampires are from this point on referred to as bloodsuckers. I guess Vampire: the Last Bloodsucker  didn't test out well as a title.

Saya it ain't so!

So Saya straight up murders a man on the subway, who could be a bloodsucker. This causes tension between the two spooks Saya works with. One of them thinks Saya is out of control, and that the man she killed could be a regular human. We'll call this one Stache. The other one believes Saya. We'll call him Boss. He's the higher ranked one, so Stache has to just doo what he says.

"Blabla, Saya's our only hope!"

"Fuck Saya!"

So they cook up a plan to send Saya undercover to a military base as a schoolgirl, because ,as the old saying goes and I quote "when bloodsuckers are careless, Onigen is near". With that predictable a pattern, it's a wonder they haven't caught the bitch yet.

Yes, Onigen is the higher ranked Demon. She's a looker too. But she speaks in the demonic helltongue that is Engrish!

So then we meet our other heroine, a free spirited(reckless), noncomformist(a total whiner) girl named Alice. Alice is the daughter of a general, so she has to go to school inside a military base. But she is a free soul, and she's had it with her dad, and his war and dammit she's walking right off the car and showing him by...heading straight into school. HER WAY.


In school, most people are orderly except this two girls who are at first making fun of Alice because she knew stuff and then of Saya because she's Japanese. In a military base that is in Japan.

This girl look crazy high. Everyone else is calm, except for them. So much for that vaunted military discipline.

The calm before the storm...

Later, Alice's martial arts teacher, played by that one guy in Resident Evil who got turned into luncheon cubes, wants her to stay later for practice because she's letting down the team. But the practice apparently involves the two class bitches striking at her with real Katana while she only has a training wooden sword.

This school is weird.

This is not how B-Ball works.

But then Saya tags her out, and starts fighting the girls. It turns out they where bloodsuckers. I guess the saying IS true. So Saya does quick work of She Bulk and She Skull while Alice watches.

Then the government spooks come to the school, and get into an argument with Alice's Dad. Alice's Dad is highly concerned about a bunch of secret agents poking around and what not and being secretive.

So the spooks cover up the whole thing, but Alice's dad sends one of his men to investigate. However, he does not believe her version of the story, where the girls where demons that spewed fudge when struck. He wants her leave it alone. But she's a free spirit, dammit! So she goes and searches for her teacher, the one who ostensibly agreed, or actively sought her dead.

This proves to be wise as it sounds, as the old professor(and everyone at the bar he's drinking at) turns out to  be a vampire bloodsucker! The Bloodscukers are part Chupacabra, part Castlevania's Dracula 2nd form, combining the worst form of CG and guys in suits. It makes Underworld look like Stan  Winston's masterwork. I'm not sure Blood +'s mosquito/rat like designs could have worked, but these aren't great.

Rwar!

So seemingly half of Akihihabara starts chasing her, until Saya jumps in again to save her ass.

Back-to-back badacting

Then a long, looong wire fu battle takes place, but only 3 things happen in it. Monsters harass Alice, Saya helps her, Saya kills more monsters. It happens 30 times, and not in creative, Popeye-like ways.

Then  there's a longwinded battle with Alice's professor in monster form. Eventually, he tries to escape Saya by latching on to a plane. Even though he could theoretically fly  real high into the sea, thus escaping...it doesn't matter. What matter is that Alice gets to drive Saya to the airport to fiinish him off. It's never adequately explained why she does this. I guess she had so much fun being with Saya...

Seriously,this is her role for the rest of the film.

Meanwhile, Alice's Father is murdered by Stache, because he had robbed evidence of what the spooks wanted.  Stach keeps telling him how Saya's out of control, even though he totally shot him. He don't care, dude. He's DYING.

Eventually this leads to Stache cornering Alice and Saya at gun point. Then Boss corners Stache at gunpoint. They disagree about what should be done about Saya and about Alice. Until the best thing ever happens.

Boss puts down his gun, and Stache sells him he's getting soft. Boss tells him that at least he isn't getting stupid.  Then Stache puts a bullet on his back seconds after he makes his way to Saya and Alice and then he goes:

"Who's stupid NOW?"

Honestly, I fell in love with Stache right there. I don't know his motivation. I felt he might be a bloodsucker, but mostly he's the most childish secret agent ever. Until Saya kills him. I mean, what else could have happened here?



 So Saya, and Alice wander about a bit until, talk about their families, and then Saya has an expository flashback about  an old man fighting  ninjas with  super kung fu. The scene has no subtitles, and narration only begins very late into it at which point they BACKTRACK.  Bottom line, he was like her father, they cut his shit, and then she got revenge using a a master technique we just learned about and is never showing up again.

"Overly elaborate non-lethal eye stab!"

Except the person she's wanting revenge against now was mostly a mastermind it seems. Oh, and the Ninjas don't seem to be Oni. Like at all.

When they come back from the flashback, Alice is stoned as hell. She's slurring, and basically say: "you don't ever stop believing in yourself".

More hilarious engrish from Onigen follows as she instructs  her henchmen to kill Saya. He objects, I think and she's all " Dun be redicuros! Har powar is nut war it use to be". Do the makers of this movie hate subtitles that much? I NEED THEM FOR THIS SCENES.

In short, they get into an elaborate super fight atop a falling jeep near a cliff, where the flying monster once again fails to use his one advantage over Saya. They kill him, so maybe he wasn't being too redicuros when he said he didn't want to fight her. Then they fall off a cliff, to their deaths.

No, they live. Aparently just off the cliff they fell down escaping a flying monster was Onigen's village. Or maybe it's a dream sequence, or it's in another plane of existance. Well, Alice say's it's not real, but the jeep is there  No one mentions it. My guess is, someone declared the movie HAD to end real soon, and there was no budget for reshoots. . Either way, Onigen is there and Saya fights her. Onigen is charmed like it's a date. She says things like "Sirry Gerrl" and "I gabe you immotarrity". Saya can't handle this much power. But Alice decides her only skill in this shouldn't be driving and she stabs the hell out of onigen with a gardening tool of some sort. Onigen explodes into rage. No, for real.

You HOE!

Not content with that, she throws the less out of Alice into a puddle. I think this movie hasn't quite got the grip on  what is lethal and what is not. Saya discover's Onigen is her mother, but I don't think that's a surprise at all. I man, she's half Bloodsucker, so any of them could be. Might as well be the most powerfull one, who also killed her father. At any rate, Saya kills Onigen, and heads over to the fallen Alice. Then it turns out Alice was telling the story, because she was being investigated for her father's murder, and she's going to the nut house. Funny, earlier the official story for her father was a heart attack. Still, Alice has a positive outlook on all this, and says she knows Saya is out there, somewhere, stabbing monsters and being immortal.

This movie's crazy. A bunch of disparate action elements and cliche's, low budget effects, the worst parts of Asian, and Western mainstream cinema and mostly unmotivated characters saying  movie sounding things. It's so bad, though, it's good, and if you like making fun of movies, this one will do. Sirry Gerrl.

Scolding Reviews: Blood The Last Vampire at 12:46 PM

"There's a city behind this drywall! Look!"

My relationship with Anime has always been a bit...distant. I mean, I've liked it ever since I learned you can show boobs on it, but honestly, I've never followed any series with any excitement. Well, there was one but that's another thing.

So coming in to Blood: The last Vampire, all my knowledge came from the TV series Blood +. It was a nice distraction while I waited for the boobs to show up, but I  wasn;t exactly a savant on that.

This movie, though, it is not as turgid and sad and mopey as the anime. However, it also doesn't have a guy whose main weapon is a Cello case. Also, I don't remember the Anime being batshit insane.

He's got a piece! Watchout!

What it does have, is the kind of fun you and your friends could make if you recieved a million dollars to make an adaptation, but only had 2 months to make it, from script to post:

I guess what I'm saying is this film is so bad, it's hilarious.

5 parts of the Book of Exoddus that never make it into movies at 10:11 AM

You want some? Come get some!

Movies about the Bible have been done to death( and ressurection). Built in audience aside, this stories are often ripe for adaptations, full of good, evil and interpretation of both. And probably none more so than Exodus.

You know this story. A group of people are slaves in a foreign land, until  one of them becomes  part of the ruling class by accident. Eventually, the oppression of his people becomes too much for him and he decides to help them out, leading them to the only good land in a really shitty desert region  promised land..

Swampy isn't holy.

But not all parts of this story are iconic enough to be made believable as films, no matter how much Charlton Heston is Moses and Ralph Fiennes is Pharaoh. Some of them are straight up unadaptable. Such as...

5 God was trolling the Israelites

 So Moses shows up and tries to convince Pharaoh to let his people go after 3 or  4 plagues. And Pharaoh's got half a mind to let them go, too. And wouldn't you? How many frogs would you need in your house to convince you to higher powers are in the works?

But then God had to intervene. scripture says he "Hardened Pharaoh's Heart" so he would not let the Israelites go.

This is what it looked like on the animated version

God's motives are unclear. What is clear is that Old Testament God wanted this to play out exactly like it did.Obviously, in a movie, you can't have  God in a movie telling you on  one half to struggle for freedom, and on the other half making it difficult. It's like Arnie giving Predator weapons.

4 Moses had a speech impediment

I think we can safely say that if Moses was a real  man, he probably looked nothing like the movies would portray him to be. The Bible tells us nothing of his looks, and we are left to speculate how awesome his beard is.

Awesome!

But we can know, though, that  Moses had trouble talking. When God shows up to him as a burning bush and tells Moses to go free his people, Moses replies back that he can't talk for shit.

Less Awesome, somewhat.

We don't know if it was a stutter, or stage fright or didn't know the language. Maybe He had aspergers. I don't think he's lying, though, because he is later assisted in talking publicly by his brother Aaron. Which is why this won't make it into movies. Moses has to be the star, and he can't be if Aaron is the one who gets to say the cool things.

3 Moses stuffed the idol  down the Israelites throats

Moses came from a mountain where he had just died from seeing God, and man, he probably felt great. And God had given him this awesome stone tablets with commandments for a better life. A better world. It's hard to ruin a day like that, but the Israelites totally did.

When Moses came back, shit had degenerated to Courtney Love levels. Every kind of sin on the tablets was happening especially idolaty of golden statues. I think at this point Moses realized it the hard part WASN'T done, and he was going to have to deal with gold idols for a long time.

You may have heard Moses crushed the tablets of the law in anger. What you may not have heard is that he fed the gold idol it into a soup and fed it to his fellow desert-dwellers.


I don't think anyone would want to see Israelites eat grounded gold. I'm sure that has some symbolism of some sort, but hey, way the economy is going, maybe we soon oughta make and eat some Idols.

2 Moses Wasn't allowed to get to get to the promised land

After a talking to and a  nice dinner as seen above, it was well time the Israelites got to wander the desert for 40 years until they found the promised land. And they all got there. All of them except for Moses.


See, Moses I think by this point, had built some rage. God told him to speak to a rock to make water, but instead hit it with his staff.

That was a no-no.  So God told him if he was gonna rage, he better GTFO.

Moses

Not gonna see this on film. Because  this as an ending would have Mist like proportions. Think about it: escape assasination at birth, grow up royal, give up royalty to free your people, successfully free them, part the seas, look at Yahweh's face...then he kinda fucked it all up because he woke up angry that day
.

1 God wanted a do-over

It really happened. God wanted to kill everyone of His people, but Moses convinced him his street cred was at stake.

'Course, Mose's idea for the situation wasn't entirely peace and love, either.

See, this is what kills it. Most movies have pretty clear cut heroes. The idea that the one who is liberating you is willing to kill you off if you cross him is hard to sell on an movie. But you can't make an omelet without wiping a few eggshells from the book of life, right? So maybe the next 4 hour long epic film about the good book will have a little less characterizing, and a lot more Old Testament God fury.