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| "We've got some leftovers. Reheat this and put on some 3D to mask the flavor". |
Sure enough, everything’s coming up Star
Wars for the foreseeable future. The New movies, along with the 3D-fied re-releases that got canceled the fuck out because Disney don't play nice with competitors and now writing this seems a smidge more pointless but it's already written, are gonna have us quoting Yoda
until our tongues bleed.
In the 3D pipeline next comes along the
less maligned Attack of the Clones. With
it’s reduced kid actor factor and Jar
Jar’s presence lessened, and being sandwiched between the overhyped Ep I and the hilarious finale, I think this
movie is far too ignored when it comes to the prequels. And with good reason.
While the other 2 movies produced some iconography to go along with their dubious achievements , Attack of the Clones does not generate
anything in the way of memorable, iconic moments.
On a personal note, this is the only Star Wars movie I own. It was sort of an impulse shopping choice. I already knew I wasn't impressed by it, but it was cheap and Star Wars. I've never even seen it fully, and that only ever happened with a select few DVD's of mine, including Ghost in the Shell Reborenning and some Civil War movie with zombies. I at least tried to watch the Civil War zombies movie before it became gay(no offense, gay people. I was already branching out of my element with Zombies and Civil War before the gayness. 2 elements I don't care about is fine, 3 is stretching.)
What I’m saying is that Attack of the Clones is the worst Star Wars movie of all time, discounting the Ewok spinoff’s
and Clone Wars CG movie(mostly because I didn’t see them).Here’s my reasons
why.
George Lucas is a creepy, creepy man
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| "Not like sand at all..." |
The movie is notorious for it’s romantic
subplot. If anything happens in here, it’s set up of how every single thing that
happens in Star Wars ever is all because of a dame. And killing children, avenging a mother and having more power. But
most of all because of a dame.
Regardless how charming you think sand is,
you have to remember that when Anakin met Queen Padme, he was a mere, doomed
child. After Naboo, they did not meet until years later, when he’s ben inducted
into the Jedi order and she’s been downgraded from Queen to Senator (I don’t
think Lucas understands how Monarchy works.) Once he meets her again, they’re all in love and stuff.
I guess what I’m saying is that old G.L.
meant for Anakin a young boy who grew up in poverty, to have fallen in love
with Parme, a fully grown woman of royal
blood since the moment they met. There's precedent and everything. I’d spare you the thought of Jake
Lloyd wacking off to holocrons of Padmen’s senatorial hearings…but I hate you.
Now, I’m not saying that it’s wrong for
people to fall in love with people they met as kids, or for people to fall in
love despite large age differences(let’s face it, even dramatically, the least
age difference between Padme and Anakin is 7 years). But it’s strongly implied
that they fell in love when they first met. That this movie confirms that “are
you an angel?” is a pick up line is just plain wrong.
Villains are miss or miss
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| "It's a stupid plan, alright? Hopefully we'll leave this franchise and get paid before we get decapitated." |
Episode I killed the one thing everyone
agreed was good about it: Marauding, scary-face-painted Darth Maul. For what
it’s worth he was genuinely well
executed, missing only some character. They set up the threat, had him chase
the good guys, showed his menace by having him kill a good guy, and then he
died.
So EpII had at least the one good thing to
live up to. It’s villains where Jango Fett and Count Dooku. Let’s break it down.
Jango is the father of Bobba Fett, who is
not important at all in any movies. But as both a merchandisable entity and a
callback to older films, I get it. Sure, where Bobba Fett came from before dying like crap is important. Whatev.
Thing is, Jango, who sets up events by
trying to kill Padme for some reason, is not a good emerging batter for
Maul.Where Maul offered constant menace
, Jango is not an active danger. Where Maul upped the Ante for Star Wars combat, Jango’s high point is
that space chase, which was marred with with the whole “take your kid to kill
Jedi” thing.
As
much as Maul was a wasted opportunity for Obi Wan to fight later, Jango
is a complete waste. He’s after Anakin’s girl, (and this is sort of his love
story) and yet there’s no sense that Anakin cares about getting that guy. Or
Obi Wan might want a rematch for his beat down at Kamino. But that doesn’t happen.
Hell, If Padme killed Jango, if might have given her a little edge. But
instead, Samuel L Jackson in a robe kills him. The guy who precipitated all the
films events just gets offed casually by
a character who doesn’t do much else. Hurray?
But I guess Jango is just the warming act to
the film’s real villain: Count Dooku. Dooku is, no joke, the least impressive
Star Wars villain ever.
There are several factors that make a good
villain. One is menace. Darth Vader had this. Vader was shown to be a menace early
on, and powerfull enough to command the loyalty of his troops. Count Dooku is
first mentions along the lines of “no way is this guy evil!” And that’s at
nearly half the movie!
Right before our climax we meet our
dreaded…um…political idealist. An old bearded man played by Christopher
Lee(well, you could have implied the former from the latter). I hope no one
takes me for a hater: I like Christopher Lee. It’s just the fact that the other
factor Star Wars villains is otherworldly appearances. Guys like Jabba, Mail, and Vader have outlandish physical designs, which help boost the fact they are
the bad guys. Dooku is Christopher Lee’s head on a stuntman, in an attempt to be
“hip” with the kids that where all into Lord of the Rings.
I guess if Dooku had a motivation, it
could offset the plainness. But he’s a
political idealist(and a former Jedi, because apparently you CAN just up and
quit) for something we won’t see. Maybe
he’s against gay marriage, or maybe he wants to to clear away the corruption of
the Senate…by establishing a clearly evil dictator in place. You’d think after
all the political bullcrap they put in the movies, they’d at least make this
more clear.
The movie is the least essential to the
others
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| "Something's going on down there. Even if I wasn't a Clone I still don't think I'd know what." |
You could make the case the prequels where
wholly unnecessary as expansionary devices to the Star Wars mythology. Indeed,
the backstories of characters like C3PO and BobbaFett are unrequired at best,
and what it does to Yoda, Anakin, and Obi Wan is not much of an addition.
But in truth, they do set up up the main
conflict and characters from the OT. But
do you need to watch Attack of the Clones for that?
See, Episode I is the set up to the whole
scene, but it’s mostly it’s own movie. It Establishes the bad guys, the good
guys, and the mysterious mystery of the Sith. II and III are more of a tandem.
But what does II set up? Well, romance and a few injuries. At the end of I they
where at war with robots, and by the start of Ep III they’re at war with
robots. That an unconcluded conflict was started on an unconcluded battle is not
necessary knowledge. You could arguably skip II and skip straight to III, and
not be missing much.
In dramatic terms, the selling point of
Anakin’s descent into the dark side is very mishandled. Besides having to
regress his characterization later in III, the whole thing where he avenges his
mother by slaying a whole city worth of people is treated like a misdemeanor, and plays no part
into how and why he becomes Vader. When you can fit a whole TV show between
movies, perhaps there was no need for a movie.
But maybe it’s a trouble with middling chapters to preset trilogies. Matrix
Reloaded, Pirates of the Caribean 2…a filler episode might fly on TV, but not
as a movie.
The movie is most dependent on the others
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| Obiwan's gonna pick Cable and Magneto for the Umpteenth time! |
If you haven’t seen any other Star Wars
film ever, or the millions of hours spent discussing their story, cultural
impact, or characters, the second part of the second trilogy is a bad place to
start.
It starts of with someone being targeted
for murder for no reason. There’s two people who have met before, and are sort
of in love. There’s a Lizard man who wants revenge against a senator.
And Christopher Lee has a hologram of a ball.
Trying to shoehorn as much OT iconography
and backstories hurts this movie like no other. When Dooku casually checks
out the plans of the Death Star, it
assumes somebody asked where the Death Star was designed, and hopes they aren’t
disappointed the answer is “some bug guy's planet you ain’t ever heard of ”.
Basically in it’s entire running nothing
happens that isn’t set up by the prequel, or meaningful without the OT and just
as something threatens to happen it ends. For what happened, tune in to Clone
Wars, on Cartoon Network!Or don't. It's cancelled!
Everything is disappointing
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The Bar was set pretty low after Episode I
became a running joke. You’d think by curtailing the excesses and working on
the script more, the movie could have
been at least closer to the originals in spirit.
But that is not the way of the Lucas.
Rather than focus on the franchise's strengths, it tries things that where
never a part of it such as investigation, and romance. And I would commend the
innovation (and continued influence on the Prequels of movies like The Matrix, Crouching Tiger/Hidden Dragon, and Gladiator) if it had been well weaved into the mold(I lost track of the metaphor,
I think). But I don’t think in the future people will look fondly on the scene
where Anakin rides the space cow in a montage, or when a kid explains to Obi
Wan how someone probably did something on purpose.
And no, no curtailing excesses, here. Throw
everything in, boys! Yoda fighting, a giant arena battle with monsters, C3PO in
a crazy conveyor belt. This is all in the last half hour of the movie, and I
left out stuff!
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