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| Planet Zeist! Show em how it's done! |
Believe me, I don’t
yearn for the ruination of pop culture
icons. They definitively give me something to write about every once or twice,
but in general, I’m not a fan of pissing off fandom. However, in these days the
art of ruinage is a lost art.
Back in the late XX
Century, It took a lot to really poison the well. Yes, I’m claiming ruining
stuff was better in my day. Get the hell off of my lawn, you're not doing it right! We didn’t bat an
eyelash when Batman went around killing people like we do now when Superman
kills a very bad guy, no sir. We were too busy worrying about how Superman was having original enemies invented to him because God help us if they look at a comic. Having
been inspired by classics like Lost in Space and Inspector Gadget, here’s my,
probably unrealized forever, plans to ruin your childhood forever.
Dr Doom is Anonymous
I don’t think the
upcoming Fantastic 4 Reboot could really do Doom much worse than the last one,
what with Doom having the lamest parts of other Supervillains under a Dr Doom
shell.
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| Hell, Corman's was better. And they payed for the movie to not exist! |
Or at least I didn’t think so until they announced that they hadn’t
exactly locked the main villain’s actual gender.
Now, I don’t
think A female Victor(ia?) Von Doom
would be all that ruinous. Hell, Eva Green is my Femdoom of choice. But I was
just thinking, why wouldn’t they have settled on something already?
Then it hit
me like a Vibranium ladle: maybe Dr Doom isn’t any one person.
In an attempt to be
all relevant and what not, my Doom would be an obvious ripoff of Anonymous.
Doom’s mask? Obvious analogue to those V for Vendetta masks. Doombots? That’s
what the members of Anon-doom call themselves. Latveria? It’s about as real as
Philosoraptor!
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| Doom is not impressed by your DRM practices, Ubisoft... |
Oh, I can hear the
gnawing of teeth and the wailing! I can taste the nerd tears! YOU GUYS ARE LUCK
I DON’T WORK AT FOX!
Sonic Adventure 3
starring EVERYONE YOU DON’T LIKE!
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| Oh, you didn't think I remember? |
There hasn’t been an
universally agreed upon Sonic game since Sonic CD, if only because we all
agreed not to stick consoles on top of other consoles anymore. The children who should be it’s target
audience and the manchildren who grew up with it may never really agree on it enough,
whether it’s a complete return to the old days, or a sudden turn into
unexpected designs.
One thing we can all
agree on, though is that who the hell is Mighty the Armadillo. That’s why I’d cover all the angles by making
a sequel to Sonic Adventure and fill up the cast with character’s so divisive
and obscure that they’ll beg for Big the Cat AND Princess Ellie to come back
before long. I’m talking Bunnie Rabbot and Princess Sally(THE LEGAL HURDLES ARE
NO MATTER TO ONE SUCH AS I), Ray the Squirrel, that polar Bear from Sonic the
fighters…you can’t think it, I can put it there.
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| WHY IS A DUCK CALLED BEAN! |
Naturally, they’d all
have different gameplay types. In fact, only Sonic’s would involve running
really fast around loops at all! Nyahahahahahahaha!
X-Men: Prof. Xavier is
a Jerk
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| There exist 0 images of an angry Hellen Page. |
Proffesor Xavier has
always been an old, crazy asshole. Thishas been documented. But I feel Patrick Stewart and James McCavoy haven’t fully
tapped into the jerk-well. His key offenses so far have been being a bad flirt(which,
having mind control powers, is...kind of noble of him, actually), failing to
divulge his full knowledge of Wolverine’s past, perhaps to keep him “in the
team” and mentally suppressing Jean’s superpowers. But I think we all mentally
suppressed X3, amirite?
But what if he were
even more of a jerk? What if he psionically attacked Magneto with Holocaust
memories? What if he pretended to die, and was hiding in the basement all
along? What if he wiped Batman’s memory of when they gave Dr Light mental
retardation after he raped Sue Dibny?
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| Come on! THIS GUY? Really, Marvel? |
And more importantly,
when he does these things, he should not show regret but smug, smug
satisfaction.
The Matrix is actually
magic
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| I know about the suckage! |
Earlier this week I
was going to write my revamped sequel/prequel yearly predictions, and thought
that this was the year The Matrix was coming back, when out of the blue
Latino_Review shows up with some heresay. Ha. You don’t have to believe me,
that’s the kicker: If I had only written it down as considered. Alas, Blue Swan
kept me busy.
But basically with the
Matrix, the problem is the story is done as done gets. The hero dies, the war is over, messiah
triumphs over death, and everything is
hunky dory. Everything, that is, except for a few questions. How come Neo could
control things outside the program? Is the “real world” also a computer
program? If so, is basically everything
achieved in this movies a waste of time?
Like all good
questions, the answer is that a wizard did it. Imagine Neo waking up to a
kindly bearded old man. He questions why he is alive, after so obviously having
been dead. Why he now has eyes again.
The kindly wizard puts his hands on Keanu’s shoulder.
“All in due time,
Neo…son of Merlin…”
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| Woa. |
Yes, as it turns out, in the burned out husk that's left of earth there exists magic, which is also the source of The Matrix illusory powers? No more philosophizing about the nature of reality, no suh. Just find the magic Matrix Sword, Neo!
Alien: Bring on the
Giga-Aliens!
The Alien franchise
has transitioned from tension filled horror to action franchise to whatever the
devil Prometheus is in 5 short films. It’s time we ramped it up…to the extreme!
New Aliens are
invading earth, but this aren’t your father’s endoparasitic nightmare horrors,
oh no! These are massive, T Rex sized aliens, basically grabbing ships form the
sky and eating them. Enter Ricall, the daughter of Call(Winona Ryder) and Ripley the Clone(Sigourney Weaver),
played by Michelle Rodriguez. Fuck you for questioning how an Xenomorph Human hybrid lady
and a Gynoid can have babies. They cloned Ripley out of molen lead and the clone came up
half alien. I’m surprised she can’t
shoot molten lead, too. Fuck a logic Alien Franchise.
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| This guy was pretty funny, though. |
So basically
Ricall decides to rid the earth of these
Aliens once and for all, so she arms up and starts blasting all the Giant
Aliens, until it is revealed Lance
Henrikksen’s character of Bishop is reincarnated into the King of the
Xenomorphs, and so must Ricall fly to planet Aliens and kick some ass! Get me Michael Bay on the phone!
Star Wars finally
comes home.
I’m sure we’ll be
discussing the choices made in the new Star Wars OMNIOLOGY (It’s a movie each
year, ya guys. It won’t end until Disney owns all the money.) for years. All I
can say is I’d be glad they stop fleecing the past. The future is filled with possibilities.
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| But I will eat all my headwear if at least some of it isn't damn stupid. |
If you really want to
wreck Star Wars at this point, now that the Force is Germs and Darth Vader
became Darth Vader because he was a whiny jerk that really liked a girl, andbuilt
C3P0, what’s left. Well, the world. Imagine, three movies (not counting
spinoffs. Nobody care about no Bobba Fett movie!) of adventures, the heroes
arrive at a peace of sorts. One of them, whichever is the Han Solo, continues
to explore the universe with his wifey. He finds a planet, but not like the
others we’ve seen. No Womp Rats here, only regular rats. She says the planet is
uncharted, and he says he’ll get to name it. He bends down and picks up a
fistful of dirt.
We’ll call it…Earth….
WHATCHUSAYWHATCHUSAYWHATCHUSAYWHA!
(Guitar riff) WAAAAAAKEEE UUUUUUUUUP! WAAAAKEEEEE UUUUUUUUP!
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