6 worst possible versions of characters at 8:23 PM

Chip and Dale: The Movie!

Characters need to be reinvented. You can't drop old timey Sir Arthur Conan Doyle Sherlock Holmes into a world of CSI Miamis and Opium illegality. Society changes, and even in a period piece, our attitudes towards things ever reflect on stories.

But this is not what this list is about. This is a list of people completely missing what things where about. This is a list of people who WANT to work on the material, in the same way a termite works on wood: eating it and shitting it.

6) Hellboy's finger family.

You gotta hand it to them...

Hellboy is a cult classic comic created by Mike Mignola about a demon raised by a human from childhood who fights supernatural threats. It was pretty popular in the 80's with some early 2000's popularity boost by some damn fine movies Guillermo del Toro made. So obviously they made a video about him and his made up satanic family singing a kiddie song as they wander the wrecked remains of Post-Ap Earth (does anyone say Post-Ap? It seems they should).

You see, there is a channel in Youtube whose exclusive domain is making half-hearted animations of popular franchises set to the same recording of the Finger Family song. That's all they do. And honestly it's not that weird. My instinct is to believe these are some foreigners with more grasp of adobe flash than of english, trying to show their kids some english.  And if you MUST do that, why not use the Ninja Tortoises and Spider-Man?

But then there's Hell Boy. I mean, "Super Red Boy".

 After so much fighting evil, Hellboy grew a stache and settled down with a demoness, and spawned a trio of demon kids, all sporting the long horns he painstainkingly removes to avoid becoming a humanity ending hell terror.

If you think they didn't know that bit of Hellboy canon when designing Mommy Finger and Baby Finger, then why are they standing in a dilapidated city?

5) Breezie's Back, Yo!

People love to complain about Sonic. And you know they do when they complain about things in Sonic they'd be praising anywhere else. "Boo Hoo Sonic has too many characters!" X-Men has too many characters, and nobody complains about THAT.

And it's not like every character comes back every time. When's the last time you saw Ray the Flying Squirrel, or Fang the Sniper, or Breezie the Hedgehog?

What, Breezy? She was just a character from the less fondly remembered Sonic Cartoon. She was a robot built by Robotnik to entrap Sonic with her feminine wiles. She was pretty...well endowed.

It's okay, they're both technically looking at her hair.

My point is, there's no way in hell Breezy's gonna come back. Just kidding. She came back last year, to the Archie comics series. She now looks like this.

Man, even chick heaven has fallen angels.

Now, Archie people, I don't want to tell you how to do your job, but...Isn't this character missing....EVERYTHING that made Breezy? And I'm not just talking about her fun parts. This version of Breezie is not only NOT a Jessica Rabbit send off, but she's also NOT a ROBOT, and not...ANYTHING. I mean, I know I'm complaining about her not being essentially not like a bad character, but how cheap are you to just slap the Breezy name onto some wholesale new green hedgehog? Humph.

4) A TV show pilot inspires elaborate animated porn.

Way to lay it on thick, Nickelodeon.

The Modyfiers only ever had one episode. For whatever reason Nickelodeon didn't feel there was money in a Mod inspired cartoon. Maybe it's cuz it's been nearly 50 years since mod aesthetics where in. I can't say.

However, it must have been something, because it attracted the attention of Zone, an animator known for making animations I can't show you about Teen Titans, Foster's Home for Imaginary Friends, and others being turned into pornography, going so far as to selectively use audio clips to uh, make the experience more immersive.

And, you know, tip of the hat to you, Zone. Every time I see someone do that kind of thing, I wish it where you doing it. If it's bad, I don't know, but you're the best at it. You're the Michael Jordan of making it look like Cartoon Network went crazy and decided Cyborg raping Jinx is an okay thing to make.

This is a screen from the cartoon, por si acaso.

But anyway, Zone made an elaborate animation of that ONE EPISODE, managed to some how cut in the dialogue and...It's crazy! Like, Even if you want to fuck a cartoon, why something so obscure, I can't wrap my head around it.

I also can't SHOW you it, but it makes a quick, relatively safe for work cameo in this vid. So basically there's almost as many minutes of Modyfiers cartoon as there are of Modyfiers Parody Porn.

3) The Super Serious Sexual Escapades of...Billy and Mandy?

Fanfictioners gotta fan, awright? I get it. I'd rather remember I liked Dinosaucers than watch a crudely drawn Allo and Ghengis Rex make out, but uh, I'm not everybody.

With that said I'm a big believer in that, even if you're not doing canon, you should approach the work in as similar a tone as possible. I mean, youre story about Mahoney dieing and Tallbooth  avenging him using Soul Edge can be great, but it won't ever be very Police Academy. Or...AT ALL.


But if there's a show known for it's dark humor  and zany nonsense, how far would you go to make a spinoff fan comic that completely removes the humor and zany parts? How abut writing a comic for years?

Well, there's a fancomic for that.


Yes, finally the story can be told. Of how Mandy managed to get Grim in the sack  and bone him, and they had a kid, and she's a fucking psycho. That fits the tone of the cartoon perfectly.

And if this where a single story, like that stupid fanfiction where Jade from Mortal Kombat wrote to Seung Mina about how it was hard to be in school and be bullied, despite the fact neither of these are at school age, from the same  plane of existence, and  Jade is known for ripping people apart, I'd understand. But no, this is a long form version of that, with admitedly good effort put on the art of it, to tell a story. This story.

What's the matter, Bleedman? Manga Brad Pitt too tough for you?

NOOOO!


2)Magneto, Old Pest

Magneto is often considered one of the X-Men's greatest villains, if not one of the greatest overall villains. Over the years the character has gone from a pretty cookie cutter world conqueror to a sympathetic character who is just as likely to rip Wolverine's bones out and drown the planet, to a pretty stand up guy who just wants freedom from oppresion and the love of his estranged children.

But this was before most of that. Before he cosplayed as the King of Spain, he was a simpler character. But still, his appearance in the old timey Fantastic 4 cartoon was still pretty out of character. For could you picture the Master of Magnetism...

Terrorizing a gas station because they don't believe his flying car doesn't need gas?

Displaying his power over no parking rules by declaring that the sign offends him, and limply taking it down?

Beating Reed Richards in a fight to become the leader of the Fantastic 4, as part of his scheme to con the Fantastic Four into sort of letting him steal some money?

Being fooled by a wooden gun into thinking he was powerless, then immediately being put into metal cuffs and put into a patrol car?

No. Not even early Magneto would have done that? Who the hell writes this crap? Why didn't Stan Lee step in an intervene?

Expaylscior!

Oh, shit.


1)Blackheart, aspiring My Chemical Romance member

Here's something Batzarro really hates: When you take a character with striking visual design elements, and say: "fuck this, guy in a suit."

I understand you don't always want to blow your budget away on expensive prosthetics and CGI. But if I come to your Ghost Rider movie expecting a guy who looks like THIS

And you just give me this...

That makes the movie worst. I mean...I admit that all I know about Blackheart comes from Marvel vs Capcom 2. I don't know if he's got a great personality.  But this is the antagonist of a guy who looks like this.


Is this seriously the best you could conjure up to menace? He doesn't look like a demon, he looks peter parker got bitten by a radioactive Hot Topic.

But Let's not be unfair. Maybe that's just his human form. He does have a final demon form during the climax.

Nope. Don't see it.

And what really bothers me is that, in reviews of people who don't know anything about Blackheart's appearance, they don't find him that great at all. Which means that you threw just about the only thing that could have saved this character and replaced it with NOTHING. Blach.

They're killing all fan art and I'm helping them! at 8:05 PM

Hey, guys, look...I may have used the term "Fanficky" as a pejorative in the past, but...I would never turn you up guys. I just don't have that kind of spite. Just because I don't LIKE your stuff doesn't mean I would volunateer to take it away from you.

What do I mean, by that? Well, there's a new international treaty  called the Trans Pacific Partnership moving along. One that would basically force the participating countries to make laws allowing anyone, not just the copyright holder, to make laws that enable not just the owner of a copyright to sue for copyright infringement.

I mean, if they passed a law like that (And they'd have to if they sign a treaty.) I could legally sue you for creating a fanfiction where Wordgirl is losing a fight to the Crystal Gems, even if PBS and Warner probably don't give a shit about it.



It's kind of brilliant, actually. Morally corrupt and not at all related to what copyright is about, but brilliant. You conscript the people to snitch on themselves and  sue themselves. They don't spend money on it and they don't get any bad press. It's a very Castro Cuba thing to do. I don't even know if I should go into detail of why doing that is litterally the opposite of what copyright should do, or how bad it would be for creativity if anyone who so wanted could put you in a legal lock without really having to have a real reason. Maybe you can imagine it.  Imagine if you anyone could just start getting Pewdiepie, Nostalgia Critic, and Fan- Fiction.com erased from the map just because they didn't like it.  Imagine. Do you think they would?

There's only one problem: How are people gonna know they can screw each other? There needs to be a campaign to get them in the spirit of ruining each other's abilities as a prosumer, so that poor old Megacorps may thrive. And who better to provide it than me? That's why I'm offering them this posters, to get things rolling. No charge, Big Media. We love you!

Of course, this laws would be a tragedy for the internet, if mean spirited people get your video AND channel taken down with uncontested claims of copyright all over the place. But look at the bright side.

You could Sue Johnny Test's makers  on the name of Marvel comics and Sony, who own the copyright to The Malibu Comics and movie Men in Black, to get them to stop using Agent Black and Agent White. You could Sue Marvel because the relation between Deadpool and Deathstroke is totally breaking copyright. You could use DC for putting Superman's leg hidden on a cover.  You could Sue Disney over Atlantis. You could sue Metallica for ripping people off.

And in fact, we should. I mean, it's only fair. It's what they want, right? A world where people sue to defend copyright without asking. If you know of anytime a company has plagiarized another, you should probably write them a letter like this:

Dear _________

I am thankfull for the laws that are being put in place by the  Trans-Pacific Partnership, that will allow me to sue over copyright infringement even if the copyright holder will not. I will use them to sue you over _____________ the very day the laws are put in place, because it breaches the copyright of _______________.  It's kind of out of my hands. I can't stop an International Treaty, after all. If someone would, though, I would not be able to sue.

Sincerely _________________

You could probably contact Disney over here, and Warner over Here,if you wanted to.


I mean, I want to believe we can do more than sit and watch them do this. I'm just a small blog, run by a poor guy. But maybe if this message gets around we can stop everywhere on the Internet becoming like Youtube.

Scolding Review: Tin Man part 1 at 11:05 AM

Asylum always knew Iron Man would be a hit.

5 years ago, I sat in a theater, with only a confused old lady and a smooching couple to watch Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun Li. It was a story I thought made sense to tell, with people I knew playing characters I liked. We all know how that turned out.

Well, for those who don't the story was a complete affront to the source material. How could these film makers take something we were all familiar with and twist it, dial it down until it becomes this unrecognizable gray mass of flavorless blandness? It was then and there that I felt for the first time stirrings about a movie strong enough to get me to write about it.

But is reinvention always bad?  With straight versions of Batman and the Marvel heroes we're getting today, sometimes I wonder if we'll ever get any weird takes on things anymore. You know, your German Impressionist Batman movie where it's like it's not even about Batman. Your Hulk where it's about how Hulk is angry with his parents and he does wuxia with trees. Your Vampirella where Vampirella is Talisa Soto.

If you're concerned about the lore of Vampirella being tarnished...your a perv in denial.

For example, with public Domain stories now there seems to be a rush to bring them to screen as  rubbery action movies. Snow White and the Huntsman,  Hanzel and Gretel: Witch Hunters, I Frankenstein, Alice in Wonderland, and more recently Maleficent. It's a trend that's yet to bring us anything but clunkers, seemingly.

But perhaps not all is bad. There is one version of a public domain story starring SF TLOC's own Bison, Neil McDonough and the sister of that lady from Bones and Alan Cumming that may yet prove that there is hope. It is the Sci Fi(before they put a bunch of "Ys" in there) original Minisiries Tin Man.

I know. Sci Fi original doesn't lend it a lot of credit. But let's give this a chance. It's also a perfect time to exploit all the Oz I've been reading.

The story starts with some ominous words in a dreamlike sequence. But it is a dream, one that is happening to our heroine  DG played by Zoe Deschannel. DG spents the whole first episode of the miniseries without anyone calling her anything else. You can fill the letterd yourself!

Why do I work in a retro cafe?

Death Gum is working  a waitress in Kansas, and as many heroes are wont to do in these stories, she wants more to life than what she has. Her parents try their hardest to be Aunt May and Uncle Em.

However, in another place, the evil, crosseyed queen of a land is demanding her men, The Not-SS, to find an Emerald, which she needs before a magical eclipse deadline. In desperation, she sends her men to find Doing Good, though a teletransporting  whirlwind. They arrive, and try to shoot our heroine and her family with their magic laser guns.   But Day Grunt gets thrown into the vortex, which takes her to the magical land of...Outer Zone.

Get it? O.Z.! OZ! Because it's silly, Oz is like, in Australia or something! Well, this movie's certainly about Oz, and they even needlessly credit Baum, but they still feel the need to rename just about all the characters. In some cases it makes sense because a lot of Oz's  characters  don't have names. In others, Well, you're trying to hard to sell us this action-fantasy Oz, Sci Fi.

I mean, I like big butts, but they have to look big relative to the size of the chick!

So Devil Goat gets trapped by Pygmies, who aren't quite sure if they are native americans or  africans, costume wise. They accuse her of being a spy, take her plocket of remember parents, and threaten to flay her. She takes offense to the locket part. However, hiding just above her is Alan Cumming, who they apparently felt they just had to tie to the roof.

Nightcrawler her is the Scarecrow of our Oz, an android called Glitch with severe glitches whose brain was stolen from his head. He certainly draws a few  chuckles. Together both of them escape as  the Notzi army prepares to destroy the NOt-Munchkins Kashyyyk trees.

Azky is not happy that her henchmen did not succeed, so she steals his soul and promotes his subordinate, a man called Zero, to a higher rank. They have some kind of hairy sasquatch man tied to a machine, which sucks his future predicting powers into the machine so it can be shown in her little tv. You know, in the original book the Wicked Witch only had one eye, but with that eye she could see  across the distance like a telescope with no depth perception. Here they honor that by making the witch a little crosseyed.

Azkhadelia's not impressed with the Xbox One price drop.

Danger Guts and Glitch come across a scene of some bad guys  putting the hurt on a family. She tries to help by running at them with a  broken branch, but then it turns out it was all a hologram, designed to  torture our newest party member,  Wyatt Cain, played by Neil McDonough aka Dunn Dunn Dugan from Captain America and Legend of Chun Li's Bison. This was before that, though. Can you believe I wanted to see this series just to know if he'd be good in that? Oh, man, was that ever silly.

They get the man out of his torture sarcophaguss, he shaves, and dresses up in his Walker Texas Ranger outfit, and goes into reluctant hero mode. He wants revenge on Zero, and he believes it is best for Glich(whome he outs as a convict, though maybe he means "fugitive?") But we all know he won't leave cutie pattotie Deep Game and lovably quirky Glitch behind.

"Hey, you, multiple attackers! Go away before I hit you with this twig I found!"

"Shit, it's Emily  Deschannel! Run!"

"Actually I'm her sister Zoey!"

"No rush, men."

They try and head towards Central City where the Mystic Man whom Cain used to protect might have their answers, and on the way run into an incapacitated Raw, our Cowardly Lion. He has been entombed by this horrible giant spiders that chase the group until they jump out into a river.

I feel this picture is a Meme that hasn't happened yet.

For the record, There is in the original book a giant spider, which the Lion Kills. Accuracy points, ahoy!

Even then the  bad guys come after them, so they run away and finally find Derp Glow's parents in a village of robots. The twist it, they're robots too! and they're not her parents! Due Gin is, apparently, an Outer Zone native, and her real parents took her to Earth to protect her until she was ready. She takes it all pretty well, overall. Yeah there's no huge breakdown at finding out her parents are robots, but I don't know if there's tone for that, here.

Perhaps  your encouragement levels are dangerously low, huma...I mean honey...

Our party rest up, and hitch a ride into Central City, which is like 1950s new york if they built a castle around it. There they run  into the Mystic Man, a showman hooked on Witch-Vapor drugs who is too high to even properly  refuse to help. Dino Gel eventually slaps him, and the mark robot man left in her awakens the man to reveal where they should go next.

Whoa...It's a giant Billboard of Anne Hathaway's face!

The party heads north, following Dedo Grande's dream-clues, until they get to a snowed in, locked up castle. There they find out the big twist: Her parents where Monarchs, she's a princess, and Azkhadelia is her sister! Her sister killed her as a kid, until her magic mom revived her.

Unlocky for all them, Azhkhadelia finds them using the flying monkey-bats she shoots out of her breasts. No, really.

Fly, my titties, fly!

After running through a couple of obvious green screen rooms, the Mobats(instory name foreal) have captured them all, except for Cain, who gets shot out of a window. This is how episode 1 ends.

I don't want to make my final determination, since this is merely the first episode, but I want to watch the next episode, no joke. The series, while sometimes it's effects are hockey, doesn't try to go too far into being "the serious action Wizard of Oz" one might believe.  It's like a quirky, stupid RPG about Oz. It seems pretty self aware of what it is, and I commend it for it. But is it all downhill from here? We'll see.