6 worst possible versions of characters

Chip and Dale: The Movie!
Characters need to be reinvented. You can't drop old timey Sir Arthur Conan Doyle Sherlock Holmes into a world of CSI Miamis and Opium illegality. Society changes, and even in a period piece, our attitudes towards things ever reflect on stories.

But this is not what this list is about. This is a list of people completely missing what things where about. This is a list of people who WANT to work on the material, in the same way a termite works on wood: eating it and shitting it.

6) Hellboy's finger family.



You gotta hand it to them...



Hellboy is a cult classic comic created by Mike Mignola about a demon raised by a human from childhood who fights supernatural threats. It was pretty popular in the 80's with some early 2000's popularity boost by some damn fine movies Guillermo del Toro made. So obviously they made a video about him and his made up satanic family singing a kiddie song as they wander the wrecked remains of Post-Ap Earth (does anyone say Post-Ap? It seems they should).

You see, there is a channel in Youtube whose exclusive domain is making half-hearted animations of popular franchises set to the same recording of the Finger Family song. That's all they do. And honestly it's not that weird. My instinct is to believe these are some foreigners with more grasp of adobe flash than of english, trying to show their kids some english.  And if you MUST do that, why not use the Ninja Tortoises and Spider-Man?

But then there's Hell Boy. I mean, "Super Red Boy".


 After so much fighting evil, Hellboy grew a stache and settled down with a demoness, and spawned a trio of demon kids, all sporting the long horns he painstainkingly removes to avoid becoming a humanity ending hell terror.

If you think they didn't know that bit of Hellboy canon when designing Mommy Finger and Baby Finger, then why are they standing in a dilapidated city?

5) Breezie's Back, Yo!

People love to complain about Sonic. And you know they do when they complain about things in Sonic they'd be praising anywhere else. "Boo Hoo Sonic has too many characters!" X-Men has too many characters, and nobody complains about THAT.

And it's not like every character comes back every time. When's the last time you saw Ray the Flying Squirrel, or Fang the Sniper, or Breezie the Hedgehog?

What, Breezy? She was just a character from the less fondly remembered Sonic Cartoon. She was a robot built by Robotnik to entrap Sonic with her feminine wiles. She was pretty...well endowed.


It's okay, they're both technically looking at her hair.

My point is, there's no way in hell Breezy's gonna come back. Just kidding. She came back last year, to the Archie comics series. She now looks like this.
Man, even chick heaven has fallen angels.
Now, Archie people, I don't want to tell you how to do your job, but...Isn't this character missing....EVERYTHING that made Breezy? And I'm not just talking about her fun parts. This version of Breezie is not only NOT a Jessica Rabbit send off, but she's also NOT a ROBOT, and not...ANYTHING. I mean, I know I'm complaining about her not being essentially not like a bad character, but how cheap are you to just slap the Breezy name onto some wholesale new green hedgehog? Humph.

4) A TV show pilot inspires elaborate animated porn.
Way to lay it on thick, Nickelodeon.

The Modyfiers only ever had one episode. For whatever reason Nickelodeon didn't feel there was money in a Mod inspired cartoon. Maybe it's cuz it's been nearly 50 years since mod aesthetics where in. I can't say.

However, it must have been something, because it attracted the attention of Zone, an animator known for making animations I can't show you about Teen Titans, Foster's Home for Imaginary Friends, and others being turned into pornography, going so far as to selectively use audio clips to uh, make the experience more immersive.

And, you know, tip of the hat to you, Zone. Every time I see someone do that kind of thing, I wish it where you doing it. If it's bad, I don't know, but you're the best at it. You're the Michael Jordan of making it look like Cartoon Network went crazy and decided Cyborg raping Jinx is an okay thing to make.
This is a screen from the cartoon, por si acaso.

But anyway, Zone made an elaborate animation of that ONE EPISODE, managed to some how cut in the dialogue and...It's crazy! Like, Even if you want to fuck a cartoon, why something so obscure, I can't wrap my head around it.

I also can't SHOW you it, but it makes a quick, relatively safe for work cameo in this vid. So basically there's almost as many minutes of Modyfiers cartoon as there are of Modyfiers Parody Porn.

3) The Super Serious Sexual Escapades of...Billy and Mandy?

Fanfictioners gotta fan, awright? I get it. I'd rather remember I liked Dinosaucers than watch a crudely drawn Allo and Ghengis Rex make out, but uh, I'm not everybody.

With that said I'm a big believer in that, even if you're not doing canon, you should approach the work in as similar a tone as possible. I mean, youre story about Mahoney dieing and Tallbooth  avenging him using Soul Edge can be great, but it won't ever be very Police Academy. Or...AT ALL.


But if there's a show known for it's dark humor  and zany nonsense, how far would you go to make a spinoff fan comic that completely removes the humor and zany parts? How abut writing a comic for years?

Well, there's a fancomic for that.


Yes, finally the story can be told. Of how Mandy managed to get Grim in the sack  and bone him, and they had a kid, and she's a fucking psycho. That fits the tone of the cartoon perfectly.

And if this where a single story, like that stupid fanfiction where Jade from Mortal Kombat wrote to Seung Mina about how it was hard to be in school and be bullied, despite the fact neither of these are at school age, from the same  plane of existence, and  Jade is known for ripping people apart, I'd understand. But no, this is a long form version of that, with admitedly good effort put on the art of it, to tell a story. This story.
What's the matter, Bleedman? Manga Brad Pitt too tough for you?

NOOOO!


2)Magneto, Old Pest

Magneto is often considered one of the X-Men's greatest villains, if not one of the greatest overall villains. Over the years the character has gone from a pretty cookie cutter world conqueror to a sympathetic character who is just as likely to rip Wolverine's bones out and drown the planet, to a pretty stand up guy who just wants freedom from oppresion and the love of his estranged children.

But this was before most of that. Before he cosplayed as the King of Spain, he was a simpler character. But still, his appearance in the old timey Fantastic 4 cartoon was still pretty out of character. For could you picture the Master of Magnetism...

Terrorizing a gas station because they don't believe his flying car doesn't need gas?

Displaying his power over no parking rules by declaring that the sign offends him, and limply taking it down?

Beating Reed Richards in a fight to become the leader of the Fantastic 4, as part of his scheme to con the Fantastic Four into sort of letting him steal some money?

Being fooled by a wooden gun into thinking he was powerless, then immediately being put into metal cuffs and put into a patrol car?

No. Not even early Magneto would have done that? Who the hell writes this crap? Why didn't Stan Lee step in an intervene?
Expaylscior!

Oh, shit.


1)Blackheart, aspiring My Chemical Romance member

Here's something Batzarro really hates: When you take a character with striking visual design elements, and say: "fuck this, guy in a suit."

I understand you don't always want to blow your budget away on expensive prosthetics and CGI. But if I come to your Ghost Rider movie expecting a guy who looks like THIS


And you just give me this...

That makes the movie worst. I mean...I admit that all I know about Blackheart comes from Marvel vs Capcom 2. I don't know if he's got a great personality.  But this is the antagonist of a guy who looks like this.


Is this seriously the best you could conjure up to menace? He doesn't look like a demon, he looks peter parker got bitten by a radioactive Hot Topic.

But Let's not be unfair. Maybe that's just his human form. He does have a final demon form during the climax.

Nope. Don't see it.

And what really bothers me is that, in reviews of people who don't know anything about Blackheart's appearance, they don't find him that great at all. Which means that you threw just about the only thing that could have saved this character and replaced it with NOTHING. Blach.

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