Top 100 game franchises that need to come back more than Shaq Fu at 1:08 PM

Pictured here, Yao Ming's grandfather at a recent game.

The news has not escaped me that giant oaf and maybe still Basketball player Shaquille O'Neil has joined forces with a game studio to make a new Shaq Fu game. With players footing the bill, off course. Because, like, Shaq doesn't want publishers getting in there and ruining his artistic vision, probably.

Don't they get it? It's about man's inhumanity to man!

So maybe some of you would consider giving Shaq your money to make a big stupid game starring his big, stupid self. I wouldn't. But  hey, it's just that he ruined one of my favorite Superheroes, insulted my people, and probably eats children in his castle after they climb up the beanstalk.  But besides that, Shaq Fu just doesn't need a remake. Or whatever it is called when you make  a sequel 2 decades after the fact, in a completely diffferent genre, aparently having ditched everything but Shaq's prescence.




You see, I think there is a priority. Not every franchise will get new games, but there are some franchises out there that, by right, deserve to have new games released more than Shaq Fu. Sure, the real punchline is "all of them", but I'll try to keep this small sample list to games that haven't had a new entry in at least ten years, and whose studios are still around to maybe make them. Sorry, Perfect Dark 3 and  Marvel vs Capcom 4. For the record, you do deserve to exist more than Shaq Fu.



1) Valis

VAAAAALIIIIIIIISSSSSSSSS!

2) Comixzone
3) Vectorman
4) Powerstone
5) Mutant League Football
6) Streets of Rage
7) Ristar
8) Freedom Force

Irrational game's is dead. (sniff)

9) Barney's Hide and Seek
10) Dino Crisis
11) Megaman Legends
12) Toki Densho: ANgel Eyes
13) Deadly Arts
14) Shenmue
15) Bad Dudes
16) E.T. the Extraterrestrial
17) War Gods
18) Charle's Barkley's Shut up and Jam!
19) Shadow of The Beast
20) TMNT tournament Fighters
21) Pokemon Snap
22) Mischief Makers

Pictured: NOT SHAQ FUCKING FU.

23) Rakuga Kids
24) Vigilante 8
25) Star Wars: Masters of Terras Kasi
26) Ninja Shadow of Darkness
27) Gun.Smoke
28) Kung Fu chaos
29) Acro the Acrobat
30) The Sega Genesis X-Men series
31) Outrun
32) Tetris Attack
33) Brute Force
34) Jet Set Radio
35)Chip N' Dale: Rescue Rangers
36) Time Killers
37) Chronicles of Riddick
38) Goemon: Mystical Ninja
39) Saturday Night Slammers
40) BMX XXX

Sex doesn't sell, actually.

41) Gargoyles
42) Space Harrier
43) Dr Robotnik's Mean Been Machine
44) Black and White
45) True Crime
46) Phantasy Star, but the real game and not this "online" shit.
47) Blast Corps.
48)  Moon Patrol
49)Forsaken

Happy Days 2099

50) World Heroes
51)Fighter's Destiny
52) Space Station Silicon Valley
53: Panzer Dragoon
54) Voodoo Vince
55) Sudeki
56) Fusion Frenzy
57) The Grid
58)Star Wars: Knighs of the old Republic and no, still none of this "online" shit.
59) Variable Geo

"I was wondering which one would break first...your table schedule, or your body!"

60) Beast Wrestler
61)Ex-Mutants
62) Capcom's Marvel beat-em-ups
63) Robocop vs Terminator
64)Clay Fighter
65) Crazy Taxi Holy crap, they did it! It's dissapointing, but they did it! Let's say then, Battle Arena Toshiden.
66) Star Gladiators/Plasma Sword
67) Knights of the Round

Hey, Perceval! This isn't 300! Cover them pecs!

68) Combatribes
69) Armorines
70) Dysney's Magical Tetris whatever it was called
71) Dynamite Cop/Die Hard
72) Batman Returns
73) The Urbz
74) Simant
75) Seaman
76) MDK
77) Fear Effect
78) Mace: The Dark Age
79) Battle Raper
80) Kabuki Klash/Far East of Eden
81)Cyberbots
82) Metal and Lace: Battle of the Robobabes

What? A big rouge mech can't be a babe?

83) Galactic Warriors
84) Raging Fighter
85) Those NES Flinstones Games
86) Warcraft, but like the strategy game and not the MMORPG.
87) Paperboy
88) Ikari Warriors
89) The Super Star Wars series.
90) Kameo
91) Dead to Rights
92) Captain America and the Avengers
93) Blasto
94) Rumble Roses
95)V.S.
96) One

Thanks to games like this and V.S., Google Image Search won't ever be "just that easy".

97)Awesome Possum kicks Dr machino's Butt.
98)Battletoads
99)Turok, I think?
100) Street Fighter: The Movie

I just made clickbait and didn't even realize it until I'd finished. Is there a series you;d like to see that's not on the list, or did I miss a recently announced new Rumble Roses game? Lemme know!

Top 100 game franchises that need to come back more than Shaq Fu at 1:08 PM

Pictured here, Yao Ming's grandfather at a recent game.

The news has not escaped me that giant oaf and maybe still Basketball player Shaquille O'Neil has joined forces with a game studio to make a new Shaq Fu game. With players footing the bill, off course. Because, like, Shaq doesn't want publishers getting in there and ruining his artistic vision, probably.

Don't they get it? It's about man's inhumanity to man!

So maybe some of you would consider giving Shaq your money to make a big stupid game starring his big, stupid self. I wouldn't. But  hey, it's just that he ruined one of my favorite Superheroes, insulted my people, and probably eats children in his castle after they climb up the beanstalk.  But besides that, Shaq Fu just doesn't need a remake. Or whatever it is called when you make  a sequel 2 decades after the fact, in a completely diffferent genre, aparently having ditched everything but Shaq's prescence.




You see, I think there is a priority. Not every franchise will get new games, but there are some franchises out there that, by right, deserve to have new games released more than Shaq Fu. Sure, the real punchline is "all of them", but I'll try to keep this small sample list to games that haven't had a new entry in at least ten years, and whose studios are still around to maybe make them. Sorry, Perfect Dark 3 and  Marvel vs Capcom 4. For the record, you do deserve to exist more than Shaq Fu.



1) Valis

VAAAAALIIIIIIIISSSSSSSSS!

2) Comixzone
3) Vectorman
4) Powerstone
5) Mutant League Football
6) Streets of Rage
7) Ristar
8) Freedom Force

Irrational game's is dead. (sniff)

9) Barney's Hide and Seek
10) Dino Crisis
11) Megaman Legends
12) Toki Densho: ANgel Eyes
13) Deadly Arts
14) Shenmue
15) Bad Dudes
16) E.T. the Extraterrestrial
17) War Gods
18) Charle's Barkley's Shut up and Jam!
19) Shadow of The Beast
20) TMNT tournament Fighters
21) Pokemon Snap
22) Mischief Makers

Pictured: NOT SHAQ FUCKING FU.

23) Rakuga Kids
24) Vigilante 8
25) Star Wars: Masters of Terras Kasi
26) Ninja Shadow of Darkness
27) Gun.Smoke
28) Kung Fu chaos
29) Acro the Acrobat
30) The Sega Genesis X-Men series
31) Outrun
32) Tetris Attack
33) Brute Force
34) Jet Set Radio
35)Chip N' Dale: Rescue Rangers
36) Time Killers
37) Chronicles of Riddick
38) Goemon: Mystical Ninja
39) Saturday Night Slammers
40) BMX XXX

Sex doesn't sell, actually.

41) Gargoyles
42) Space Harrier
43) Dr Robotnik's Mean Been Machine
44) Black and White
45) True Crime
46) Phantasy Star, but the real game and not this "online" shit.
47) Blast Corps.
48)  Moon Patrol
49)Forsaken

Happy Days 2099

Did you wake up one day and wonder..? at 11:24 AM

"I'm not saying he's a greedy  asshole because he's Jewish, you guys. Duh! He's a greedy asshole who happens to be extemely Jewish! You racists!"

...If Foreskin man had a theme? Because the answer is aparently yes.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bww5S5e3D_4

And it's sung by none other than Vulva Girl.

Sometimes...I wish the weather would change just for me. But I have to recognize I am neither in control of the weather nor the only one who needs it. But hearing the ridiculous proto disco tunes of  this song, as the singstress declares the most serious issue of how circumscicion affecting her enjoyment of sex with a person for whom she will obviously have to wait for if he's getting  that done just now, that I realize sometimes it stop raining just for me.

Thank you , Lord.

Did you wake up one day and wonder..? at 11:24 AM

"I'm not saying he's a greedy  asshole because he's Jewish, you guys. Duh! He's a greedy asshole who happens to be extemely Jewish! You racists!"

...If Foreskin man had a theme? Because the answer is aparently yes.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bww5S5e3D_4

And it's sung by none other than Vulva Girl.

Sometimes...I wish the weather would change just for me. But I have to recognize I am neither in control of the weather nor the only one who needs it. But hearing the ridiculous proto disco tunes of  this song, as the singstress declares the most serious issue of how circumscicion affecting her enjoyment of sex with a person for whom she will obviously have to wait for if he's getting  that done just now, that I realize sometimes it stop raining just for me.

Thank you , Lord.

Fighting Female July: Strip Fighter IV is less bad than you'd think(but not morally) at 6:40 AM

Your name will be inscribed in the pages of fighting's nudie mag. 

..

Of all the franchises  that  could have come back to cash in on the return of Street Fighter a few years back, Strip Fighter is probably the least likely. An obscure PC Engine fighter from the olden days that featured an all girl cast with dignity baring special attacks, it's certainly less popular than Variable Geo and less recent than Battle Raper (oh, yes, that's a real thing.). But now 2010's Super Strip Fighter 4 joins those two in how far it is willing to take the whole "Porn fighter" thing.

Despite the title, Super Strip Fighter 4 is the second in a series. There's not even a vanilla Strip Fighter 4. I guess if your game has  female penile tentacled succubus as a final boss, you don't worry if people think you're trying to ride Capcom's coattails. The game actually is quite a bit above the  prequel in terms of both graphics and design, as you'd expect. Every character from the old game has been revamped, redesigned, or reworked. Notably, eagle hat enthusiast Bella has gone from this...

A woman in her Twilight years...

...to this...

"D"? She deserves at least a B in terms of "Offense".

And Clown Afro sporting Prowrestler Amanda's change was pretty big too.

The only fat woman in a fighting game ever and it ends up being porn... 

...Breasts, breasts, breasts, FIELD, Breasts...

The changes  a decade or two  can have, huh? The graphics, while featuring bland backgrounds and flashly looking sprites, are not bad at all to look at. And for a 2d game that has  the capacity to strip fighters of their clothing, the animation is fluid enough.

The cast is pretty big too. Highlights include "Snakes count as clothing, right?"-minded Medusa, civil clothed Ninja Sayaka and two male characters. For the ladies, I guess.

Most of the new characters seem way better designed than the old returning characters. I don't know, I think they went overboard trying to make the old cast sexier by making their breasts big.  That's just part of it, guys.

What the...this isn't Takein or King of Fuckers, guys. It's not even Cockcom vs SNGay. It's Strip Fighter.

The fighting concerns 3 buttons: light, medium and strong. You can fill up a hyper-bar and launch a super attack. You can also fill up the letters to strip by getting knocked down  or letting yourself open with a specific move. This is the only way to activate the Strip Hyper. This move, when it finishes off the opponent, leads to her clothes (if there where any in the first place.) to break apart and fall, and lets the girl at your mercy. That's when you can ravage  her.

Yes, there is rape in Strip Fighter 4.

Tonight: A very special surprise guest appearance by penis. 

By activating a particular combo or grab during  your opponent's clothesless misery, you can just get in there and have your way with them against their will. In the case of the final boss Succubus,  fat Japanese fanboy Jin, musclebound MMAer S  and token hermaphrodite Ai it's some kind of obvious penetration thing that lasts as long as you want to watch it. Other characters like SnM blond Nina, onion themed waitress Iku and super oily, supernaked Rana have dry humping hypers, specials and grabs that could be also construed as sexual harassment when used against females but when used against males become graphic(yet obnoxiously censored) sex And most of the old cast  hangs on to their nudifying special moves albeit in hyper form. One character's  Strip Hyper  seems to be having sex with the camera.  

 Yet, there are characters that have yet to show evidence of being able to initiate graphic scenes with either sex. I for one, believe this is total bullshit. All the males and phalus enabled women  can rape women, and some of the women can rape men. Why not the others?  Why not make them some of them rape the girls? That makes half the cast just rape victims, Not enough Lesbian Rape, man. What are you waiting for, the tournament edition?

I mean, I don't want to throw a bitch fit over this, but it's like having Mortal Kombat, and having half of the characters not have Fatalities. Why should I bother with Mari or Ran if they don't have the goods? What are they even here for? What, couldn't you come up  anything a girl can do to another girl? No scissoring? No ice dick for Yuki? No fingering? No prehensile hair penetration by Medusa? I accuse this porn game of being sexist!

You know, this mask isn't helping your dandruff problem at all. 

Since even if you wanted to, you can't play with anyone most of the time (on account of awful slowdown you get sometimes. Also, it's a porn game),  story mode is pretty much the only choice. Now, I don't know Japanese, so I guess the story is about how the evil Succubus has organized a tournament  between  girls so she can rape them. You have a an intro textwall for each character.You fight a handful of people, then face your rival. Succubus rapes your rival in a cutscene, and then you fight her. Text ending and credits.  All Japanese. Here, let me help.

My Japanese is a little spotty, though. Or as they say in Japan: "Kawasaki Ninja, Hey! El Mundo conquistaras!"

Except it's not over.  You get to fight everyone else on a harder difficulty, until you tire or beat them all.  Or beat it. I mean, no one wants to be defeated...

Besides Story you have VS mode and practice. They're pretty much the same, except training starts P1 at lower health. You don't even have options ingame. It's a pretty barebones experience.

Nope. Still not the Sailor Moon fighting game.

And I don't want to bandy around terms like "lazy", but the reusage of animation gets pretty bad. It's one thing that Hypers are often just flashier versions of special moves but  even the warning animations for hypers? Here's a note, geniuses:  characters in fighting games do special poses before hypers specifically so people know what is about to happen.

So what can I say? This game makes you work for the smut, but the engine is nice enough that it's not too much of a chore. Sure, if you  really must watch Japanese stereotypes rape each other, you don't need a videogame for it. And there's way better fighting to be found elsewhere. But If your curious and a pervert and a fighter fan, it's probably worth your time.

Fighting Female July: Strip Fighter IV is less bad than you'd think(but not morally) at 6:40 AM