The Tim Burton's wife game at 1:19 PM

Wigs are art.

I watched Les Miserables, and want to make a Scolding Review of it but…won’t. Even though there’s plenty to rip on on it, I simply won’t. But something wonderful came up with the movie, and I want to bring it up.

See, when strange, bighaired women came out to egg on Ann Hathaway’s character to sell her teeth(and way to cheat on toothless singing  Ann Hathaway, Hollywood), I jokingly asked my sister if Tim Burton’s wife had shown up when I wasn’t looking. But later in the movie she did show up.

And it got me to thinking…how do these appearances by TBW stack up in terms of associated elements? How Timburtonwifetastical is each of these? That’s how I came up with a system  to measure it. I call it the Tim Burton’s Wife Game.

Each element  is given a mathematical strength factor, meant to be added up to a total amount of points. You COULD play it as a drinking game, but as each of these are  usually all in evidence by the time Johnny Depp is eating her brains, It’d likely be a fast and heavy game of alcohol poisoning.  What are our factors? Let’s see.

Tim Burton directs the movie.

You don’t get much points for this because Tim’s wife is in all of his movies ever since they got hooked up.

Is TBW’s hair an unruly mess?

I thought this was a Tim Burton thing, but it shows up in a lot of her non-nepoticalapearances. And franky if she isn’t   going for the natural “just woke up” look, she’s bald or sporting a crazy hair hat. What’s wrong with just…hair?

Is she really pale?

I know the woman’s got a pasty complexion, it’s just that most of the time instead of playing around it, they go straight to making her more pale or having  highly contrasting black eyeliner.

Is the movie set in the Victorian years?

“Because I brought a whole truck full of corsets and giant black unseemly wigs and I don’t want it to seem  out of place.”

Is her character affably amoral?

I think I’ve only ever seen TBW as a straight up good character in Big Fish, where she was king of thought of as a villain. When she’s not straight up evil(Sleepy Hollow, Terminator Salvation), she’s generally not an aid to the heroes. Either way, she’s usually some kind of awful person but kind of charming enough not to be immediately hateable.

She dies a horrible death.

Perphaps due to her propensity for the other variables, her characters as a rule often die horrible deaths.This is especially true in her husband’s movies, where again, with exceptions like Big Fish, Planet of the Apes and Corpse Bride her characters have to die, and it’s generally nasty ways like  being killed by a vampire, having your neck cut and being dumped down a laundry chute or being kissed by Christopher Walken. Wait, that last one might not be horrible.

It is a musical/has songs.

Regardless of whether she sings, or just sits it out, TBW’s movies tend to gravitate towards theatricality. This means the odds are good this at least has some songs in it.

Let’s apply this on any film she’s in and see how that works. Let’s say…Terminator Salvation

Terminator Salvation racks a lowly.2 points, on account of small screentime. Surely she died horribly either because of cancer or because of the whole “nuclear war on robots” thing. But if it’s not in the film it doesn’t count.

Let’s go for something a little more recent.

Dark Shadows lost a lot of points by opting to be set in the 70s, and not casting  TBW as a pale flapper or something. It racks up 6 points.

Harry Potter 7-1  suceeds in gaming the system by 6 points as well. Had they not stretch the plot thin, we might have seen TBW thrown  into a magical thrash compactor or whatever it is that happened in the final movie.

The consummate Tim Burton’s wife representation, Old Tim somehow managed to game the system to put his wife as the second-to-third most important character in  musical about Victorian England murderers.  The movie pulls a bingo and wins 15 points, the highest score possible.

But what about Les Miserables?

10. My incapacity to tell what Victorian actually is keeps me from awarding the pts for Victorianism(doesn’t count if it’s in France, right?), but it’s still pretty strong.  I encourage you to use this here blank card and check out how other films in her filmography and see how they compare. And remember that one day she’s gonna get cast in a Transformer film as Black Arachnia, and you’ll remember me, who never once uttered her full name, and throw up a little blessing to my person.

The Tim Burton's wife game at 1:19 PM

Wigs are art.

I watched Les Miserables, and want to make a Scolding Review of it but…won’t. Even though there’s plenty to rip on on it, I simply won’t. But something wonderful came up with the movie, and I want to bring it up.

See, when strange, bighaired women came out to egg on Ann Hathaway’s character to sell her teeth(and way to cheat on toothless singing  Ann Hathaway, Hollywood), I jokingly asked my sister if Tim Burton’s wife had shown up when I wasn’t looking. But later in the movie she did show up.

And it got me to thinking…how do these appearances by TBW stack up in terms of associated elements? How Timburtonwifetastical is each of these? That’s how I came up with a system  to measure it. I call it the Tim Burton’s Wife Game.

Each element  is given a mathematical strength factor, meant to be added up to a total amount of points. You COULD play it as a drinking game, but as each of these are  usually all in evidence by the time Johnny Depp is eating her brains, It’d likely be a fast and heavy game of alcohol poisoning.  What are our factors? Let’s see.

Tim Burton directs the movie.

You don’t get much points for this because Tim’s wife is in all of his movies ever since they got hooked up.

Is TBW’s hair an unruly mess?

I thought this was a Tim Burton thing, but it shows up in a lot of her non-nepoticalapearances. And franky if she isn’t   going for the natural “just woke up” look, she’s bald or sporting a crazy hair hat. What’s wrong with just…hair?

Is she really pale?

I know the woman’s got a pasty complexion, it’s just that most of the time instead of playing around it, they go straight to making her more pale or having  highly contrasting black eyeliner.

Is the movie set in the Victorian years?

“Because I brought a whole truck full of corsets and giant black unseemly wigs and I don’t want it to seem  out of place.”

Is her character affably amoral?

I think I’ve only ever seen TBW as a straight up good character in Big Fish, where she was king of thought of as a villain. When she’s not straight up evil(Sleepy Hollow, Terminator Salvation), she’s generally not an aid to the heroes. Either way, she’s usually some kind of awful person but kind of charming enough not to be immediately hateable.

She dies a horrible death.

Perphaps due to her propensity for the other variables, her characters as a rule often die horrible deaths.This is especially true in her husband’s movies, where again, with exceptions like Big Fish, Planet of the Apes and Corpse Bride her characters have to die, and it’s generally nasty ways like  being killed by a vampire, having your neck cut and being dumped down a laundry chute or being kissed by Christopher Walken. Wait, that last one might not be horrible.

It is a musical/has songs.

Regardless of whether she sings, or just sits it out, TBW’s movies tend to gravitate towards theatricality. This means the odds are good this at least has some songs in it.

Let’s apply this on any film she’s in and see how that works. Let’s say…Terminator Salvation

Terminator Salvation racks a lowly.2 points, on account of small screentime. Surely she died horribly either because of cancer or because of the whole “nuclear war on robots” thing. But if it’s not in the film it doesn’t count.

Let’s go for something a little more recent.

Dark Shadows lost a lot of points by opting to be set in the 70s, and not casting  TBW as a pale flapper or something. It racks up 6 points.

Harry Potter 7-1  suceeds in gaming the system by 6 points as well. Had they not stretch the plot thin, we might have seen TBW thrown  into a magical thrash compactor or whatever it is that happened in the final movie.

The consummate Tim Burton’s wife representation, Old Tim somehow managed to game the system to put his wife as the second-to-third most important character in  musical about Victorian England murderers.  The movie pulls a bingo and wins 15 points, the highest score possible.

But what about Les Miserables?

10. My incapacity to tell what Victorian actually is keeps me from awarding the pts for Victorianism(doesn’t count if it’s in France, right?), but it’s still pretty strong.  I encourage you to use this here blank card and check out how other films in her filmography and see how they compare. And remember that one day she’s gonna get cast in a Transformer film as Black Arachnia, and you’ll remember me, who never once uttered her full name, and throw up a little blessing to my person.

A neophyte's view of The Deadly Hallows at 10:17 PM

Not if money has any say in the matter!

Now, look, I'm no stranger to bandwagons. I did The Turtles, The Rangers, The Pokemon and even a spot of the Nu Metal. But I never did get into the whole Harry Potter thing.

Why? I don't know. Medieval Europe myths where never that interesting to me, so maybe that's it. Or maybe I never let go of when they said it was Satanic, like seven scapegoats ago. Or maybe it's because I had to read. I like reading but games give me so much and demand so little.

So yesterday, some family members wanted to see the  Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows and I wasn't gonna be all "Let's watch Tangled instead". SO I ventured forth and watched it, my only knowledge being half the first film(kinda not paying attention, I changed the channel when they fought Shrek), what you might read on Cinematical, and My Immortal.

And that's insane! Imagine if I'd gone into Final Fantasy on the 7th entry! How would I know which effeminate man to like? Or Police Academy! Would I know about Harris' plight to bring down inefficiency in the force? Or what about Tony Hawk? How would I know Activision likes money?

So I took my first serious step into being a life Journal artist of fanarts most illegal, and watched it.

A neophyte's view of The Deadly Hallows at 10:17 PM

Not if money has any say in the matter!

Now, look, I'm no stranger to bandwagons. I did The Turtles, The Rangers, The Pokemon and even a spot of the Nu Metal. But I never did get into the whole Harry Potter thing.

Why? I don't know. Medieval Europe myths where never that interesting to me, so maybe that's it. Or maybe I never let go of when they said it was Satanic, like seven scapegoats ago. Or maybe it's because I had to read. I like reading but games give me so much and demand so little.

So yesterday, some family members wanted to see the  Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows and I wasn't gonna be all "Let's watch Tangled instead". SO I ventured forth and watched it, my only knowledge being half the first film(kinda not paying attention, I changed the channel when they fought Shrek), what you might read on Cinematical, and My Immortal.

And that's insane! Imagine if I'd gone into Final Fantasy on the 7th entry! How would I know which effeminate man to like? Or Police Academy! Would I know about Harris' plight to bring down inefficiency in the force? Or what about Tony Hawk? How would I know Activision likes money?

So I took my first serious step into being a life Journal artist of fanarts most illegal, and watched it.



The movie opens with this pale dude, all cross eyed, giving his "won't go quietly into the night" speech. Wattaminnit, hold he hell up? What's going on? There's some crisis, and bad  whether and looks like a lot of British people are getting foreclosed. One girl even erases her pictures, so they won't know  to find her and ruin her credit! Is it the Apocalypse?


Then I think we follow one of the bad guys, who is too cool to use the Hall of Doom's front gate, but not badass enough to burst through the window. He arrives at a big table, where all the bad guys are having a brainstorming session. It seems they recently took over...something and are happy, but are worried about the titular Boy Wizard sticking his  nose into their business. Then Tim Burton's wife get's all excited like she totally knows the answer to this one and the teacher should let her talk and she KNOW IT(it's Quebec) and she's shooting for that gold star.

Seriously, Tim Burton's wife is in this? She must have heard there was a role for a pale, crazy woman with unkempt hair, and auditioned her ass of. Her raw, pale, unkempt ass.

So, she wants to kill Harry Potter. But only the ugliest man in the table can do it. It's this guy who didn't quite make it to full snake. At least Mongooses aren't a problem.

The boardroom is not appropriate place to cast "Fart".

So he's like " I gotta kill Harry Potter" and everyone's like "you go girl!" and he's like " So lend me your wands" and they're all "Shit!". It's not a toothbrush, guys. Break the leg off a table, you're magic. But sure enough, once one of them lends him his wand, he rips off it's sweet Dragon handle. Nice going, Cobra Commander. You may be the Antichrist, but you still have to respect the other people's property.

The working title was "Evil Ancient lizard-man by nature".

So all the good guys, they get into Harry Potter's house, and they all transform in him to get him to safety, while they take magic missiles up their asses meant for him. See, he's the One.

Kickus, Facia!

No, he's the Chosen One. But he's not the chosen one in a way that means he's untouchable, like Neo from the Matrix. He's more  like the Pope, since he's chosen and then you gotta pamper his ass 24/7.

So they have a crazy chase scene until they get to a farm, which is safe because...it's not. I think the evil spirits, dark forces, and flying magicians kinda just called for a break. Most of Potter Cosplayers make it, but for one guy who was betrayed by another called after a Puertorican dish.

 Delicious, Backstabbing Bastard!

So, having narrowly escaped evil they go on with a wedding they where planning. Erm...guys, I think Satan is kinda feeding your teachers to snakes. Maybe you could hold off the wedding until we sort it out? I mean what if bad guys attack during it?

So bad guys attack during the wedding. And you can't fucking blame them. It's like a slap on the face of their new world order! The world is in danger and you guys are worried about marriage? What are you, Democrats?

So our three heroes, Harry Potter, Unhappy girl, and Dead Weight start their world zapping adventure to find and destroy the one... of 4 hexagon things that apparently you have to destroy to beat old scratch. Meanwhile, in wherever it is they where in, Nazis and kindly looking ladies have taken over, and are taking non-magicals to the gas chambers. And apparently we're Final Fantasy characters.

First the came for the Chocobo, and I said nothing...

Not kidding about the Nazis. A variant amount of red armbands and missing Third Reich  insignia doesn't mean you aren't Nazis. It's like the most obvious Nazi stand in s ever!

Which I guess makes our villain Serpentor?

Also, Dead Weight begins to feel  resentful and jealous and leaves, but he comes back in time to be somewhat useful. But only because Harry would rather jump into a frozen river to recover a trinket than tell a girl to help him.

So they learns from this animation sequence that they need to find this Superwand made by Death itself, and Potter's old mentor hid it, but then Nightwish catches them, and takes them to Tim Burton's wife, who locks the two boys the cellar so she can rape the girl.

Now I get it why this franchise is popular...

Though this annoying suck up Gollum vomit that has been hounding the movie shows up and unlocks the doors. They get into a fight with Ms. Burton, and eventually they Teleport away, but not before Ms. Lovitt Ninja's up the little CG creature with her  Bullet time knife.

Then Snake-Man finds the hidden Superwand, which Potter's Mentor cleverly hid ON HIS HANDS, IN HIS MAUSOLEUM! CAN YOU AT LEAST MAKE THE BAD GUYS DIG? Can you at least rot a little so they vomit in their mouths?  Content in this, the villain shoots lighting  out of his wood stick to tickle god in the nads.To be continued.

Or at least that's what I thought it was that happened...

Swing and a miss! Tim Burton's Batmovies at 10:21 AM

Black and yellow, black and yellow, black and yellow...

 It's about time we talked about Batman. I know this subject is  a fringe one and a taboo in the Internet, but we must break social boundaries of how acceptable it is to talk about Batman.

Dark Knight Rises is probably on it's way out of theaters( and I was entirely unable to catch it.) The end of the Nolan era for Batman, the innevitable reboot nipping at it's heels,  and the seeming endless ways Warner Brother can't get too far into it's Superheroes withouth returning to Batman are all the talk of the town.

Nestled between this conversations is a subtle discussion of Tim Burton's  two Batman films, and their underlying qualities. It tends to divide the geek populace into  two schools of thinking.

"Holy Crap, is your breath fresh!"

A) This movies are good, they opened the way for Superhero movies now, and are a reasonably good adaptation of the Batman mythos in a darker way than the old Adam West show.

B)This movies are bad, nothing like Batman, and are the inspiration for badly adapting Superheroes to the silver screen.

The only one who  likes this pairing is the guy on the left.

Not everyone holds this combination of opinions, but it's mostly what you'll find.

I could tell you that when I saw them I was very young. My dad dragged home a big old TV with awkward  microwave buttons so we could watch the Batman 89 movie before heading to one of my first remembered cinema goings(along with Pewee's Big Adventure. It's not my fault I'm a Burton enthusiast!) to Batman Returns.

While my little kid mind had to register a lot(and return from the lobby confused as to why Batman let  Catwoman lick his face.) of weirdness, I never the less considered it a great movie, and put it alongside Robocop, and Predator and Airplane as the best movies in the world.

But let's not make this about just me, or about the movies. The movies are qualified as being unnacurate to the books by many. And I sort of agree. But so what?

So what if Batman's "no killing code" gets switched to a "lot of times killing code?" So what if the films are rooted in impressionism rather than...whatever stylistic choice you're supposed to have for Batman. So what if the background of the character is changed and the origin, and it's not as dark as anything.

Swing and a miss! Tim Burton's Batmovies at 10:21 AM

Black and yellow, black and yellow, black and yellow...

 It's about time we talked about Batman. I know this subject is  a fringe one and a taboo in the Internet, but we must break social boundaries of how acceptable it is to talk about Batman.

Dark Knight Rises is probably on it's way out of theaters( and I was entirely unable to catch it.) The end of the Nolan era for Batman, the innevitable reboot nipping at it's heels,  and the seeming endless ways Warner Brother can't get too far into it's Superheroes withouth returning to Batman are all the talk of the town.

Nestled between this conversations is a subtle discussion of Tim Burton's  two Batman films, and their underlying qualities. It tends to divide the geek populace into  two schools of thinking.

"Holy Crap, is your breath fresh!"

A) This movies are good, they opened the way for Superhero movies now, and are a reasonably good adaptation of the Batman mythos in a darker way than the old Adam West show.

B)This movies are bad, nothing like Batman, and are the inspiration for badly adapting Superheroes to the silver screen.

The only one who  likes this pairing is the guy on the left.

Not everyone holds this combination of opinions, but it's mostly what you'll find.

I could tell you that when I saw them I was very young. My dad dragged home a big old TV with awkward  microwave buttons so we could watch the Batman 89 movie before heading to one of my first remembered cinema goings(along with Pewee's Big Adventure. It's not my fault I'm a Burton enthusiast!) to Batman Returns.

While my little kid mind had to register a lot(and return from the lobby confused as to why Batman let  Catwoman lick his face.) of weirdness, I never the less considered it a great movie, and put it alongside Robocop, and Predator and Airplane as the best movies in the world.

But let's not make this about just me, or about the movies. The movies are qualified as being unnacurate to the books by many. And I sort of agree. But so what?

So what if Batman's "no killing code" gets switched to a "lot of times killing code?" So what if the films are rooted in impressionism rather than...whatever stylistic choice you're supposed to have for Batman. So what if the background of the character is changed and the origin, and it's not as dark as anything.



Let me tell you something. When Batman Returns was abuzz in the cinemas, my parents could afford 1 movie IN THE YEAR. The rest was black and white T.V.  And what did my local T.V. channels do as a response? EVERYTHING! They scrambled to run whatever Superhero show and movie they could, as long as we would watch. They Ran the Flash T.V. series and the old 70s Wonder Woman series. They Ran The Incredible Hulk. They ran Ultraman and I could swear they ran Kakero Spider-Man. They ran the Swamp Thing movie and they ran the TV show as well. They fucking ran the Adam West show.

Try harder, internet! I was mocking this before it was cool!

So, back to young me. I began absorbing. I did not know who Flash was in the comics if the movie was good. But I liked Flash. I liked Wonder Woman.  I liked the Adam West show.

Regardless of what the direct influence of Burton's movies, the indirect influence in my case was that a lot of  superhero elements where brought before me, which was good, because I could not even know where comics where sold, and when I saw them on the supermarket, coud not afford them(or my parents would not buy, because Batman looked like this, and had to perform surgery in a sewer on a baby. No, I could not forget that if I tried.).  My understanding of the superheroes would not expand much beyond what TV told me until the year 2000, where I discovered that internet people  would spend their time detailing the fictional life of Storm and Marrow.

What I'm saying is that Burtman(haha!) may be Batman in name only in a way. It may be campier than what we think. It might not fit our nerdy standards of today, where we sit down and pick aparts  which parts of Avengers are 616, which are Ultimate, and which are invented wholesale for the movie. The movies might only be enjoyable to me because I grew up with them. But they shaped me into the sexless, sociopathic nerd that writes too much about Tim Burton's wife I am today.

(Wait, is that a good thing?)

Beggin' time! at 12:41 PM

The Lost Marvel Episode I : Mo' Money Mo' Freckles at 9:15 AM

If you've followed my blog in any capacity, you know I like to discuss those rarities I feel are largely ignored. Sure, I'm certain there are other people who could tell you if Sonic is way past cool, or how silly it is that Tim Burton's wife always gets similar roles, or how enrapturing Friendship is Magic is. But I always try my best to take the road less traveled, to finds those spots that most of the Internet missed, and to attack them. 

So, I have found a case study so perfectly suited because she's tied to something fairly known, and  yet so obscure even veritable sites dedicated to covering  that completely ignore it, that I've decide to cover it throughly. I am, of course, talking about Freckles Marvel.

She's the bottom one, about to be dismembered.

Freckles Marvel was a part of Captain Marvel history, and not a once off oddity either: During the height of Captain Marvel's fame, at which point, need  I remind you, he was easily more recognizable than Superman,  she graced several covers. She had a town for her to inhabit,  supporting characters to her, and even a nifty apellation. And seemingly overnight, she banished off the face of the earth, never to be tarted up, or gritted up, or killed off. Just oblivion.But she won't stay forgotten for long, because, I'm covering all her adventures in my series The Lost Marvel.

But who IS Freckles Marvel? Well, we should first examine her origin. Let's do it, by going all the way to Wow Comics #35, the first and last Public Domain Freckles Marvel story!

First some slight backstory. Captain Marvel, as created by Otto Binder, presumably was in reality Billy Batson, a young orphan. Due to a run in with an old wizard he gained the power to become the Earth's mightiest mortal Captain Marvel(TM Marvel Comics) by yelling Shazam(TM DC COMICS). Later, he discovered he had a twin sister who gained the same power, Mary Marvel.His cast expanded to several enough related  characters for them to call the group the Marvel Family.  Then he discovered his "uncle", a world class shit head.

Uncle Marvel, Dudley H Dudley, an oportunist leach of a slob,  who tried to cash in on Marvel fame. The Marvels humored his attempts to fool them into accepting this snake oil salesman as another inheritor of the Marvel Family legacy. Our story begins in one of his trademark attempts to  find a quick buck on his company, Shazam Incorporated. Litterally.

We mourn the loss of money this company does every 3rd fiscal year.

And that's when she bursts in. Mary Dudely. Mary claims to be Dudely's niece, though he must not have seen her in a long time.

(laugh track)

The Lost Marvel Episode I : Mo' Money Mo' Freckles at 9:15 AM

If you've followed my blog in any capacity, you know I like to discuss those rarities I feel are largely ignored. Sure, I'm certain there are other people who could tell you if Sonic is way past cool, or how silly it is that Tim Burton's wife always gets similar roles, or how enrapturing Friendship is Magic is. But I always try my best to take the road less traveled, to finds those spots that most of the Internet missed, and to attack them. 

So, I have found a case study so perfectly suited because she's tied to something fairly known, and  yet so obscure even veritable sites dedicated to covering  that completely ignore it, that I've decide to cover it throughly. I am, of course, talking about Freckles Marvel.

She's the bottom one, about to be dismembered.

Freckles Marvel was a part of Captain Marvel history, and not a once off oddity either: During the height of Captain Marvel's fame, at which point, need  I remind you, he was easily more recognizable than Superman,  she graced several covers. She had a town for her to inhabit,  supporting characters to her, and even a nifty apellation. And seemingly overnight, she banished off the face of the earth, never to be tarted up, or gritted up, or killed off. Just oblivion.But she won't stay forgotten for long, because, I'm covering all her adventures in my series The Lost Marvel.

But who IS Freckles Marvel? Well, we should first examine her origin. Let's do it, by going all the way to Wow Comics #35, the first and last Public Domain Freckles Marvel story!

First some slight backstory. Captain Marvel, as created by Otto Binder, presumably was in reality Billy Batson, a young orphan. Due to a run in with an old wizard he gained the power to become the Earth's mightiest mortal Captain Marvel(TM Marvel Comics) by yelling Shazam(TM DC COMICS). Later, he discovered he had a twin sister who gained the same power, Mary Marvel.His cast expanded to several enough related  characters for them to call the group the Marvel Family.  Then he discovered his "uncle", a world class shit head.

Uncle Marvel, Dudley H Dudley, an oportunist leach of a slob,  who tried to cash in on Marvel fame. The Marvels humored his attempts to fool them into accepting this snake oil salesman as another inheritor of the Marvel Family legacy. Our story begins in one of his trademark attempts to  find a quick buck on his company, Shazam Incorporated. Litterally.

We mourn the loss of money this company does every 3rd fiscal year.

And that's when she bursts in. Mary Dudely. Mary claims to be Dudely's niece, though he must not have seen her in a long time.

(laugh track)

Essentially, Mary strongarms Dudely into being another Mary Marvel, albeit one not imbued with any sort of power or even  average human intelligence.  However, since they can't both be Mary Marvel (because people would not be able to tell the one who can fly from the one who can't.), Uncle Marvel  christens her Freckles Marvel. On account of her freckles.

Hey, you ain't exactly Hugh Jackman there, buddy.

Her first quest quest: find the hidden inheritance of one Roger Cole.

He also glued this novelty teeth to my face.

Following the clues, Fat Sheister Marvel and Bratty Psycho Marvel find...an armed thug also wants the money. Naturally, Freckles tries  a time tested strategy.

She rolled low on intelligence.

Lucky for her Mary Marvel litterally jumps out of the foreground and helps. But getting shoved off by a gunman has only made Mary dudely even more confident. She tries jumping, probably thinking that's a good trick.

Oh, wow, I've had so many oportunities tho shoot that girl...it's like the universe is telling me something!

The ineptitude of Freckles Marvel is so great, she somehow crushes Mary Marvel under her weigh. Mary Marvel sweats off bullets and swords, but she can't  magic her way out of this one. The thief make s his getaway. They get underway to the second clue, and find the thief yet again tries to get them, this time by vehicular manslaughter. But I bet Freckles Marvel won't do anything stupid THIS time.

Being fair here, throwing a hornets nest takes some guts.

Uncle Marvel, who is only pretending to have powers to make money, thinks it's time for Mary to hang up her cape, but Mary Marvel is confident she's not over her head. That's when that stupid girl goes out and...wins against the thief.

"Hey, if YOU were an invinsible avatar of half a pantheon, you too would do things like allowing this to go on."

So it's easy to see how Freckles Marvel's adventures could have ended right there. The character's whole joke, that she was as ineffective as she was deluded, was not the stuff of solo adventures. But something strange happend when Freckles Marvel moved to Mary Marvel's comic.  Join me then, won't you?

Beggin' time! at 12:41 PM

When I started blogging I never dreamed of having the responses I've had. I have as of now 3 followers! I think I wanted in my blog to promote something, I don't remember what, but I probably never finished it. Along the way it degenerated in me copying off  Cracked.com and telling people who think different than me that it is I who thinks different than they.

YOU SUPPORTED THIS!

Last year I monetized my Blog. I dreamt that one day the endless barrage of pop culture garbage I spew would be recycled into something good. You want to know how that went?

It's time to get serious, guys. They don't pay till you get 100 dollars and Marvel vs Capcom 3 is out tommorow, and I barely have 20 bucks! I have to buy the console, too. Stupid RROD. Youse guyses are gettin' sloppsies.  Fortunately, there's a way you can help that's not gonna cost you.

I didn't want it to come to begging, but I always suspected it would. At least I'm under a roof. If you would, out of the kindedness of your heart, click on every single article I've made, that would give me over 100 clicks. In October I made nearly 4000 views for some reason, which translated into a whole dollar. If each of you take the effort to do this, I will continue to be able to live a life of sloth. If you don't, I might either have to get a job or continue trying to support myself in artisan craftsmanship. Do you want to see me paint our local fauna badly, hoping some store will pick it up and sell it at inflated prices to burnt up, underdressed tourists? Have you any idea how ugly a Cotorra Puertoriqueña  painted on a gourd looks when I do it? Huh? Do you!? I have half a mind to make this a blog about arts and crafts and never again type the term "Tim Burton's Wife" again.

Helena Bon-Damnit I can't say it!

So, in closing, I want you to consider: What would you do if your son was at home, crying all alone on the bedroom floor, 'cause he's hungry and the only way to feed him is to sleep with a man write about games, for a little bit of money and his dad is gone he's actually me? 'cause to you this just a good time, but for me this what I call life! Hm-mm?