Showing posts with label Marvel. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Marvel. Show all posts

Wakanda is America? Big Red Circle Take

Bald Black Women stand with spears in an ornate palace. If you're sightless and  reading this please let me know. I just found out that this is for you and not an extra place to put in a joke.
Mr Saturday Movies they call me.



Allegory is hard. Just ask that movie about how Black people are discriminated against because they sided with The Dark Lord 2000 years ago, and that is also why Jews run the world.

But political messages are hard, yo know, in a general sense. I mean, if you say maybe government should butt out of your ghost busting business, obviously people who don't agree might sour on your story, and if you say perhaps , that society may be better overall if men can finally learn to express ourselves and not follow a line of thinking in which you create a terrorist group, some people might read it as "yeah, I should totally create a terrorist group! This line of thinking is great!"

So, when Black Panther started getting positive word of mouth, and positive perception in the Black and Not-Fucking-Racist demographics, some...Fine People...decided to get out ahead on it. Knowing that "Aaaaah! The Blacks!" doesn't work as well as it used to, they tried a little  Aikido: to say that Wakanda is, in fact, a place after their own heart. Wakanda is Alt-Right, even, according to them.

After all, a quick reading of the Wikipedia for Wakanda, the fictional African nation that Black Panther inhabits,  you can see the resemblance. It is Isolationist, arguably an Ethnostate. Many even critiqued how it was an advanced and resource rich place that didn't help the sorrounding countries.

But the writers and director seemed to have gotten even more ahead of said critiques. Spoilers for Black Panther follow.

But you're knee deep into my thinkpiece, you know? You had to decide that earlier.

Wakanda being isolationist and not helping the world, especially not helping the beat up continent that is it's home, is not only addressed in the story, it IS the damn story.
It's a picture of Killmonger, in a garden, shirtless.
"Time for some White Genocide up in this piece.  Turn Lara Croft  into a Black!"

King T'Challa, fresh off fighting a fanfic character in a story vaguely based on a story by Mark Milar, is the newly minted king of Wakanda after his father is killed. But unknown to him the villains Killmonger and Ulyses Klau have designs to destroy him. Klau is notorious for sneaking into Wakanda to steal vibranium, the miracle metal that powers this civilization, for Killmonger's father, a Wakandan spy that meant to use the technology to right the wrongs the White People have done on, whom the dead king killed in the confrontation. Killmonger grew bitter at his father's death and at, well, knowing he deserved more than to be a poor Black boy in America.

Wakanda faces immediate criticism from Nakia, Black Panther's also spy love interest, as well as BP's best friend who really wants revenge on Klau. The Jabari Tribe, who seem to be sort of outcasts within the enclave, also  have grievances with the way things are run.

Eventually, Killmonger defeats BP in ritual combat, claiming for himself the throne and immediately launching of into an even more extreme, more advanced  version of  his father plans, a full on invasion of the world using the advanced technology.  And  he also quickly proves that he's not gonna be a nice king either.

After Killmonger is defeated,  and an enormous civil war is ended, T'Challa opens the doors of Wakanda to all (Black?) outsiders, and begins using it's resources to help the world.

You see, what many, on both sides of the racism side, assumed was that because this was a fantasy movie set in fantasy Africa made by an African American  director, that Wakanda was here to answer the question if a Wakanda would be good, and answer it with a resounding yes.

If you assumed that and also where a huge racist trying to gain Nazi points for harshing everyone's mellow, it makes sense you would also be able to do so by pointing out a Wakanda would be bad. But Wakanda was not a statement on Wakanda itself. Wakanda is America.

A prosperous  yet flawed place ruled by people who want to do the right thing, which is not easy because there is no agreement on the right thing. Do they  get involved and risk the consequences? Do they just stay put and look out for those within?
It's a shirtless Chadwick Boseman staring at assorted Africans standing in rocks
It even has a dumb way of choosing it's leader!
 And the movie seemingly comes down with "get involved but to help, not to bully everyone." The movies main plot eventually comes down to Killmonger, who is a creation of both Wakanda's involvement and (mostly) it's apathy towards the rest of the world. To say that America's involvement and (mostly) it's apathy toward the rest of the world has created some of it's enemies is an understatement.

Killmonger's entire plan to use the country's vast resources to "fix" the world, a world that, for the record, really IS that messed up, is in essence wrong not because what he sets out to do is wrong, but because it represents the violent kind of interventionism that always further complicates matters and hurts more people in the long run, Wakanda's own invasion of Iraq.

In the end Wakanda's main sin was to leave people "out there" and not help them, and it boomerangs back to them in the form of one of those persons they left behind.

While some of y'all where asking why the most prosperous, technologically advanced country in the world wasn't helping those in need around the world, taking in refugees, sharing it's resources,  the movie was saying "well, why aren't you?"

But maybe that's just my interpretation.

Whose Side are You ON: The Adventures of The American Rabbit

 Thanks to Captain Planet and the Planeteers, the gap between the teams has been bridged. 96-love. There is only one hero who can possibly  decide The Civil War.

The Adventures of The American Rabbit

Breakdown

What if you had, one chance, one opportunity? Would you capture it? Or just let is slip-SHIT, that's not the right Rabbit.

The American Rabbit is a star spangled rodent who inherits his powers rather than fall into them. When he runs really fast he can transform into The American Rabbit!

Danger Assesment

The Rabbit's main powers are speed and flight. However, he needs to catch a  lot of momentum before he can transform,  he can be stopped.

3

Where would they stand.


With the vagueness of the story and the hero being what he is, I can picture him perfectly siding with Cap just because he's a little patriotic.  Also, his hometown is protected by magic, so he's obviously concerned for his parents.

reg 96
antireg 99

99!Winner!
96! Loser!

 We've done it! We have a winner! Captain America and his team of rogue heroes would win out in this scenario. Ironman can get some pretty powerful people on his side, but then again one of the most iconic elements of the superhero vs other archetypes is the secret identity, and, despite what Facebook might be letting you believe, there's still some people who value their privacy.


 Again, if you don't believe that the guy with Blankman on his side could beat the guys with Hancock on his side, remember that this has been highly accurate speculation regarding fictional characters, and you can't prove otherwise. You can't prove that I only know about some of these guys from a skim through TV Tropes!


Who's on your fictional Civil War  list?


Whose Side are You ON: Captain Planet and the Planeteers

 Last time, things got a bit dark with Darkman. Time to clean up!

Captain Planet and the Planeteers

Breakdown
When the spirit of the Earth gets tired of being fucked around with, it gives 5 teenagers  magic rings to sort out Earth's Enviromental problems. When their individual powers won't cut it, they put them all toghether and

call Captain Planet, a single dude with all their powers.

Danger Assesment
The 5 rings give the Planeteers control over a different element: Fire, Earth, WInd, Water and deadliest of all, Heart. Sure, Heart, doesn't sound deadly, but it allows controll over animals. If you can control a fawn, you

can control a germ. If you can control a germ, you can fill someone's cerebellum with pus in short order.

Being nice kids, they don't use their powers to their ultimate, violent conclusions.

Theis combined powers creates Captain Planet, who can lift a building, but can be stopped if you throw a garbage bag at him.

4


Where would they stand.


Hard to say.  Tony Stark spent the better part of his life as a Captain Planet villain, basically, but after his turnaround he did create free clean energy, apparently. However, as lovey, dovey goody two shoes they'd

probably agree that regulating powers is for the best. The power is YOURS (Iron Man)




96

 96

1 round to go, and we´re on a tie! This is amazing! I know you have no reason to believe me, but I did not set it up to be this way! Who is going to be our tiebreaker Who is going to be our decider? Well, find out?

Whose Side are You ON: Darkman


Time to recap, before we move on to our decider of the whole thing: Dark man

Darkman

Breakdown
A scientist was horribly deformed during  a sabotaged experiment. He took to hiding in the sewers, disguising his face with a special plaster and getting back at those who wronged him.

Danger Assesment
 What Darkman lacks in actual powers, he makes up for in planning. He's known to set up elaborate traps and ruses, which is something that could turn the tide of a war.

3


Where would they stand.
Darkman understands the usefulness of anonymity for a crimefighter. He's on Team America. Except when he skillfully passes himself of as  Black Widow to get the inside scoop.




92

 96
 
Team Tony is losing and Team Caps is winning! Only 2 more rounds to go!

Whose Side are You ON: 6 Hundred Million Dollar Man (And Bionic Woman)


In our last round, Megamind and Metro Man put Team Cap closer to  to the gold. Can technology get Tony back on track?


6 Hundred Million Dollar Man  and Bionic Woman

Breakdown

Steve "Not Stone Cold" Austin had a bad accident, so the government made him a cyborg. There is also a bionic woman they made too, his girfriend Jaime Sommers .
Danger Assesment

Steve and Jaime's Bionics allow them to move faster, and be stronger than most people in the world, as well as other nifty abilities such as x-ray vision.

Where would they stand.

6

Steve Austin already works for the government and conceals his face never. He's on team Stark by Default.

92

 93
      

By my estimation, there's only a few rounds to go. And this round will decide...who lives...and who DIES...and it's gonna get dark, man...

Whose Side are You ON: Dr Horrible's Sing along Blog

In our last episode, Megamind and Metro Man took  Caps all the way to a comfy lead. Maybe a different kind of villain-hero duo can take things in a different direction...


Dr Horrible's Sing along Blog

Starring in musicals? DEAD GIVEAWAY.

Breakdown

Dr Horrible and Captain Hammer are archenemies, in both the field of one of them being a hero and the other being a villain, and  for the affections of a lady that the Doctor accidentally offed.

Danger Assesment

Dr Horrible is your typical evil inventor.

 5
 Captain Hammer is basically a Strong, Bullet proof man.

5


Where would they stand.

Well, Dr Horrible  is a villain, so he's probably not interested in supporting either side. Captain Hammer, though, is a violent sociopath that doesn't care about anyone. I can see him backing Tony Stark very easilly since it'll probably be the more popular opinion with people.




 88

93
 
Cutting it close. We're almost done! It's getting kind of dark, man!

Whose Side are You ON: Megamind

In our last round, the Wayans Bros FINALLY did something good for someone and put  Captain America closer to not-losing. Now, if you don't mind...

Megamind

Breakdown

Megamind is an alien inventor locked into a nemesisship with Superman, but with a white suit. No, I'm not sugarcoating it, this guy has the same origins as Superman and also looks like him.

While Megamind's bid for world domination was only succesful because Captain Super faked his death, in the end, he created a hero to challenge him, and by defeating him he himself became a hero.

Danger Assesment


Megamind's inventions include giant deathrays and chemicals that give people superpowers.
7
Metroman is yet another Superman in the wings.
10




Where would they stand.

Megamind has a way, to give people Superpowers. He would have most use on team Captain America, because team Tony Stark probably isn't rushing to give anyone ELSE Superpowers.

As for his rival Metro Man he probably appreciates anonymity most of all, so put him down for team Cappy if anything.




83

 93
      








Whose Side are You ON: Blankman

In our last episode, Team Cap had a little boost from M.A.N.T.I.S. Can he ride that out into a victory?

Blankman


Breakdown

Blankman is a meek man using a bulletproof super suit and other gadgets. and played by one of the Wayan's brothers.

Jesus, yo ever get the feeling that there have been like, zero attempts at an original superhero for movies that Isn't a comedy?

Danger Assesment

It's a bullet proof Damon Wayans, riding a mine cart under the city. He's definitively a danger to  Hawkeye, or maybe a really distracted Black Widow.

2

Where would they stand.

With his meek demeanor and highly risk prone secret identity, this guy isn't about to sign in with the government. Come on. We all got Aunt Mays. He's on Captain America's side.

team reg 83
team antireg 78

Once more, team Cap is playing catchup. It might take a great mind to propel him to victory, though.

Whose Side are You ON: M.A.N.T.I.S.


M.A.N.T.I.S.
Breakdown
After being paralized, Dr Miles Hawkind developed a supersuit that allowed  him to walk again, and dance again, and also fight crime and not do those other things, because everyone would know he's cheating on his paralysis.

Danger Assesment

While his suit is basically a miracle of science and all, he's no Iron Man. I bet Iron Man could take him to the cleaners.

7

Where would they stand.

There's quite a lot in stake for Miles to keep his identity a secret, and in fact, it goes so deep what was initially thought to be an accidental shooting of his spine turned out to be a conspiracy to kill him. This guy
ain't signing anything.



83

 76

This is the kind of windfall Team Cap needed. Although still trailing behind,  at least Captain America isn't shooting blanks, man.

Whose Side are You ON: Chronicle

 The future has never been sweeter for team Tony, as Star Kid delivered even more advantage! But  let's look at how things have turned out since the draft begun.



Chronicle

Breakdown

Chronicle is the story of 3 teens, Andrew, Steve and Matt who found a thing under the ground and it gave them super powers. And since it's found footage, they don't have to explain what the thing is, or anything.

But one of 'em went crazy, and tried to kill everyone.

Danger Assesment

The powers granted by the thingy include flight, telekinesis, and invulnerability. Not TOO much invulnerability, as these dudes definitively can kill each other.

They would be a major asset on either side.

10

Where would they stand.

Andrew, the one ranting about apex predators and  tried to rob gas stations, probably wouldn't go with the whole government thing. He's on Captain America's side, pulling off people's teeth and being awkward around the ladies.

The other guy, Matt, who vaguely went on about rules and not doing this and that, would  likely side with Tony Stark.

I have a feeling that Steve would probably rather graduate and join the football team than be part of any Civil War.



83

 69

Not much has changed!

Whose Side are You ON: Star Kid

Last time, the ominous shroud of the Baby Geniuses loomed large over both teams.

Star Kid

Breakdown
Some kid that was in a lot of 90's movies found himself a sentient suit of armor made by aliens.

Danger Assesment

The suit was moderately powerful, with various long range energy weapons. However, the suit can run out of power, leaving the host a sitting duck.

6

Where would they stand.

As an 90's child who already got roped into an intergalactic war without much in the way of evidence which side was in the right, I feel Tony Stark could definitively  sweet talk him into joining the pro-government side.

He's probably too rad and extreme to go with the boring ass  traditional type hero.




73

 59
      
Continued victory on team Reg. Looks like Cap is on the rope on the final stretch of the competition. Can he turn it around, or is this how his Chronicle ends?

Whose Side are You ON: Baby Geniuses 2: Superbabies

 Last time, the Powerpuff Girls gave an edge to Team Reg. But Cap swore to come back with an even  younger crowd.



Baby Geniuses 2: Superbabies

Breakdown
While the early incarnation of this franchise  presented a world where Babies are super smart, but people don't realize, this one goes further, with a secret underground powerstruggle between a cabal of super scientist and a cabal of Superhero babies.


Danger Assesment

Between them all, the Baby Geniuses have Super Strenght, Flight, Super Intelligence, and Love Arrows that make people fall in looooove.

Unfortunately they are babies. I mean, come on, how pathetic can you get to lose to a baby? They die if you shake them too hard.

4

Where would they stand.

I think the Baby Geniuses could be split hard over this. I award each team two points, and may God have mercy on their souls.





67

 59



So...that was stupid. But keep watching the stars, kid.

Whose Side are You ON: The Power Puff Girls.

Last time

The Power Puff Girls

Breakdown
 When a freak accident involving chemicals and kitchen seasonings occurs, 3 fully clothed, superpowered 6 year old girls are created, and their scientist father immediately conscripts them to  fight crime and  Gay Satan lobsters.

Danger Assesment

The PowerPuffs have The Superman Starter Pack of SuperSpeed, Super Strenght and Flight, with the DLC for eyebeams. And while being as powerful as Superman and being 3 instead of one is enough, the girls are somehow more

ruthless and violent than Superman, basically only not killing their opponents because of cartoon logic.

10

Where would they stand.
The girls have no secret identity to speak of, and fall on the extremely pro status quo side of super heroes. These girls fall heavy on Team Iron Man.




61

 52
      

Poor Caps. But you know what they say: you gotta hook them young. Real Young...

Whose Side are You ON: Wordgirl

With G Girl at his side, Tony has a comfortable advantage. But Captain America doesn't know the meaning of the word "surrender"

Wordgirl
 
Breakdown
Wordgirl comes from the planet Lexicon, and fights crime on earth under a secret identity.

Danger Assesment
Wordgirl has  the typical super speed and super resistance, but her real power comes from her vocabulary.

8

Her sidekick Captain Huggy face, does not, but he does have great Kung Fu ability.

Where would they stand.

Wordgirl's secret identity is of the utmost importance. She can't sign with the government. She's on team Captain America.

Captain Huggy Face, though, is a wildcard, and known to publicdly disagree with Wordgirl. I see him more as a Ironman type.





51(points To account for Captain Huggy Face switching sides)

 52
      


They Switch places yet again! But if Captain America can use a little girl at his side, then 3 can play that game!



Whose Side are You ON: My Super Ex Girlfriend

 Last Episode, Meteor Man delivered for team Anti-Reg. Tony immediately started browsing his contacts to call...

My Super Ex Girlfriend



Breakdown
 Empowered by a meteorite(Or so she says...) G-Girl is a superhero, but also a total nutcase and terrible at rejection.

Danger Assesment

G-Girl has the Base Superman, with the eyebeams. With that said, she also has a weakness where the rock that gave her powers can also take them away, and even give them to someone else. HEEEEY, what is this, Meteor Man?

10

Where would they stand.

While G might want a normal life and appreciate anonymity, she is obviously susceptible to even low player game if she fell for Luke Wilson. I say, it won't take  Tony  but a night to convince her to his side.

With that said, this would also require Tony Stark to keep it in his robopants when it comes to other women for a prolonged time, and she's proven highly emotional and dangerous. I would suggest NOT to screw around with her too much.



50

45(points added to account for G-Girl's mental instability)
      


Anti-Reg facing a 5 point disadvantage.They're gonna have to put the word out if they hope to win!

Whose Side are You ON:Meteorman

In our last round, Ben Stiller and his buddies stood firmly on Ironman's side of the deal, bushing back Anti-regulation yet again. It's time to really rock!

Meteor Man


Breakdown
Meteorman recieved great powers from a meteor, and became the Super Hero of the Ghetto.

Danger Assesment

While the base power setting of Meteor man is The Basic Superman, he does a a variation on it. Upon touching a book he can absorb the contents and teachings without any of that nasty reading.

6

Where would they stand.

Meteor Man is a minority superhero living in the ghetto. For him, The Man is not trustworthy. He might or might not be worried about his identity getting out, and he might or might not trust a guy like Cap. But if it's

between trusting The Man and trusting people who don't trust the man, then expect to see this guy behind Old Caps.




40

41

Meteor Man takes Anti-Reg to victory yet again!  Things are getting tight, Tony! Maybe a woman's touch will turn things around!

Whose Side are You ON: Mystery Men

Team America, with the help of Mighty Med, managed to bridge the gap caused by the Greatest American Hero and Mighty Med. But out of the shadows...Mystery Men!

Mystery Men

Breakdown

Mystery Men is the story of a bunch of C and D listers living in a world where there are no B listers, and one A lister, who dies. And so they step up to the challenge with their ridiculous gimmicks, and defeat the evil

Casanova Frankenstein, and even meet an unexplicable cameoing Michael Bay.

Danger Assesment

One of them is Ben Stiller, with the relative strength and agility of a Ben Stiller.

No, actually, these guys don't have much in the way of Super Powers, or even gadgets, except for The Bowler, who can throw a bowling ball containing her father's skull  and it homes in on evildoers.

 3

Where would they stand.

These guys aren't even trying to hide their identities, and don't really HAVE any powers to register. I'm inclined to believe they would side with Tony Stark and Da Man.  Not that they would would be a lot of help, but hey,

 who would seriously beat up WIlliam H Macy? He's Hollywood's kindly father figure!




40

35

It's not mystery that Team Reg is pushing ahead ahead. Caps is gonna have to look in the unlikeliest of places to eke out a victory!

What are you guys watching?